NHL Uniform Manifesto Part 3

Before we start, just a quick note about pointless outdoor hockey.  Pointless outdoor hockey is pointless.  I like the Winter Classic.  It saves me from having to pretend to care about college football for three hours every New Years Day.  But like most things that happen once a year, once is enough.  I don't need random extra outdoor games.  I don't need the Rangers having to play outdoors twice in four days.  I definitely don't need an attempted outdoor hockey game in Los Angeles. 

Gary Bettman understands that ice is an important part of ice hockey, right?  And he also understands that ice is cold, right?  To be fair, I'm frequently confused by things that the NHL thinks are good ideas, like wearing dark uniforms at home, or having multiple Florida based teams.  Still, the stadium series seems particularly stupid and while I'm sure they made some extra money, I don't care about that a lot.

OK, let's get started...no wait, one more quick note on the stadium series.  The announcers have been intolerable.  It's like the only instruction NBC gave them for doing a hockey game at a baseball stadium was "Use a lot of baseball words, but use them to describe hockey things...people will love that shit."  I do not love that shit.  OK I'm done now.

Welcome to part 3 of my epic three part NHL uniform manifesto.  If you missed the first two parts, you really should go read them (Part 1 and Part 2) because without the first two parts, part 3 is just nonsense. 

10. New Jersey Devils
First Impression: 8
Classicyness: 6
Color Scheme: 4
Trend: 8
Logo/Mascot: 3
Total - 29

The Devils added black to their color profile a while ago, which is perfectly fine, but they also subtracted green, which is less fine.  Wouldn't the Devils look pretty great in green alternates with red and black trim?  I say yes.  Meanwhile, the logo looks nice at first glance, but the fact that the devil horns and tail don't fit in the circle has always bothered me.

The first impression score for New Jersey was a real roller coaster.  I've always hated watching the Devils play, because they've always been incredibly boring.  But on the other hand, I've sat literally three feet from the Devils' bench at the Nassau Coliseum on multiple occasions, and that was a shitload of fun.  Shitload of fun trumps neutral zone trap, so big points for first impression, but it wasn't easy. 

9. New York Rangers
First Impression: 7
Classicyness: 9
Color Scheme: 4
Trend: 4
Logo/Mascot: 6
Total - 30

Another emotional battle on first impression.  My mom likes the Rangers, but my grandmother taught me to be an Islander fan.  Meanwhile, the Rangers have been a model of mediocrity for as long as I can remember, and have never been that fun to watch.  The tie breaker here was a Ranger game I went to in college, or maybe grad school.  The song they play when the Rangers score is one of the most fun sports things I've ever seen.

Everything else about the Rangers is great, except, once again, a darker shade of blue is ruining my life.  The blue on the regular home jerseys is borderline tolerable, but the alternate is even darker.  How good would the Rangers look in a red alternate?  Another missed opportunity, and another jersey ruined by inexplicable dark blue.  Having said all that, the Rangers' jerseys are undeniably classic and almost landed the first 10 I've given out, but not quite, because, to be honest, I just don't like them very much.

8. St. Louis Blues
First Impression: 9
Classicyness: 6
Color Scheme: 7
Trend: 2
Logo/Mascot: 8
Total - 32

I wanted a Brett Hull Blues jersey so much at one point when I was a kid, and I'm like 99% sure my parents got me one.  How dare the Blues change those jerseys?!?  And they added a DARKER BLUE alternate?  I know St. Louis' trend isn't as bad as some other teams that got higher scores, but I'm so mad at them right now that I don't care.

Setting that aside for a second, I generally like the Blues' jerseys.  I think St. Louis was victimized more by the new Reebok uniforms than anyone else, but that's not entirely the team's fault.  Meanwhile, blue and gold are always a solid combo and I don't know about you, but I'm a big fan of the blue note logo.  I'm not sure if Blues makes a lot of sense for St. Louis, but it just sort of sounds right. 

7. New York Islanders
First Impression: 9
Classicyness: 8
Color Scheme: 6
Trend: 7
Logo/Mascot: 9
Total - 39

OK, let's start with the good stuff.  The Islanders are my childhood team.  All of my early hockey memories are Islander memories, and they're mostly good.  On top of that, out of all the possible color schemes, I think blue and orange might be my favorite.  Islanders might be a little too close to Shelbyville Shelbyvillians for my taste, but I'm giving them a pass on the lazy name because the logo is really nice and looks great on a jersey.  High marks all around for the regular Islander jerseys, which may very well have come in at #1 overall it wasn't for...

...those alternates.  Here are just some of the problems with the Islander alternates, aside from just being incredibly ugly:
1) Every time they're wearing the offending alternates, they aren't wearing their awesome regular jerseys.
2) Where did the weird grey/silver come from?
3) They never bothered designing alternate helmets, so they still wear the regular blue home helmets with the alternates and it looks ridiculous. 
4) Even the Islanders don't exactly know what color their alternates are.  I've heard the announcers who do the Islander games discussing whether they're black or very dark blue.
5) Of all the teams who should be doing a third jersey in their third color, the Islanders top the list.  The Islanders' third jersey should just be the regular home jersey with the blue and orange inverted. 

I could go on and on and on and on.  The Islanders lost at least one point in every category because of these monstrosities.  I can't stand them.  I literally turn off Islander games when I see them wearing the alternates.  I understand why people still talk about the Islanders' mid-90s fisherman uniforms, but these are honestly 100 times worse.  The fisherman wasn't even the problem on those, it was the new colors and the strange wavy lines.  I wouldn't even mind black alternates in the same design as the regular uniforms...ugh, I need to move on.

6. Toronto Maple Leafs
First Impression: 5
Classicyness: 10
Color Scheme: 7
Trend: 8
Logo/Mascot: 10
Total - 40

Toronto is the first team to score full marks in any category, and they did it twice!  I know a classic uniform when I see one, and the Maple Leafs, I mean, I almost gave them an 11 for classicyness.  Logo/Mascot is just as good.  The logo looks great on the jerseys and Maple Leafs is just perfect.  It's basically saying "Hi, we're from Canada, eh", but in team moniker form.  Just terrific. 

Normally I would be a little more negative on the color scheme.  Blue and white isn't exactly lighting the world on fire, but the Maple Leafs date back to like 1917.  The world only had like 5 colors back then, using three of them would have been selfish. 

First impression is really the only weak score.  I've been watching hockey for about 34 years now, and I can't ever remember Toronto being good, or fun to watch, or generating any real reaction from me at all except for the occasional "hey, they're from Canada, that's fun!"  But even that response is muted.  Toronto is the least Canada-y of all the Canadian hockey cities.  They even have an NBA team.

5. Edmonton Oilers
First Impression: 9
Classicyness: 8
Color Scheme: 7
Trend: 8
Logo/Mascot: 9
Total - 41

Hey, speaking of blue and orange, it's the Oilers!  High marks all around, including an 8 for trend as a reward for correcting some mistaken adventures in the late 90s.  I think the logo is my favorite part (well, that and the orange), I'm not sure why, I just sort of like it.  You also have to remember that the Oilers were very fun to watch for a long time, even if they're a little very very bad now.  Plus, they're from Edmonton, which is fun.

Edmonton didn't finish 1st, because I have to be fair about all of this, but they're probably my favorite set of uniforms.  I really can't complain about anything, although I certainly wouldn't mind an orange alternate in Edmonton.  I can live without it though. 

4. Boston Bruins
First Impression: 10
Classicyness: 10
Color Scheme: 6
Trend: 7
Logo/Mascot: 9
Total - 42

The Bruins make me smile, and talk about classicyness!  The Bruins just look like a hockey team.  I'm not crazy about black and gold as a color scheme, but Boston uses it about as correctly as possible.  And those logos are just fantastic.  Who could argue with the spoked B?

As much as I love the spoked B, I had to take one point off for logo/mascot because, well, I don't think they have a lot of bears around Boston.  I live about two hours away.  The woods around my apartment building have deer, raccoons, skunks and possibly coyotes (I don't believe it, but people in my building swear they've seen coyotes)...no bears though.

I took the most points off color scheme and trend for some failed experiments in alternates, as well as some improper use of the color scheme.  Children, what have we learned about third jerseys when a team has three colors in its profile?  That's right, the third jersey should be the third color.  I'd prefer it if Boston would just skip the alternates altogether, they don't need them.  But if they insist on having one, it needs to be yellow.  Most egregious though, was Boston's ill-fated attempt at an alternate logo.  You know how I feel about that.

3. Detroit Red Wings
First Impression: 8
Classicyness: 10
Color Scheme: 7
Trend: 10
Logo/Mascot: 10
Total - 45

I have no idea what a Red Wing is, but the winged wheel logo is so perfect for Detroit that I literally don't care.  And Detroit was another almost 11 for classicyness.  The biggest change to the Red Wings' uniform in the last 80 years appears to have been centering the logo.  As far as I can tell, the Red Wings have never even attempted an alternate, and why would they?  That kind of loyalty earns you a 10 for trend. 

The two color scheme is the only thing keeping Detroit out of the top slot.  Well, that and the fact that I've never really liked watching the Red Wings that much.  I'm not sure why, but I think maybe they were just really bad for a while when I was a kid.  They got better, but my brain had already permanently filed them in the blah category by then.

2. Montreal Canadians
First Impression: 10
Classicyness: 10
Color Scheme: 8
Trend: 9
Logo/Mascot: 10
Total - 47

Montreal actually tied for first, and you would think the tie would go to the Canadian team, but they're French Canadian so that doesn't really count.  Having said that, I love Montreal's uniforms.  The red, white and blue color scheme makes perfect sense for French Canada and the logo is super cool.  Like Detroit, Montreal hasn't even bothered with alternates and, again, why would they? 

Montreal lost some trend points for screwing around a little bit more than Detroit, but not that much more.  And the color scheme, while it does make perfect sense, is a little boring and not my favorite.  Still, a tie for first is nothing to be ashamed of. 

1. Chicago Blackhawks
First Impression: 10
Classicyness: 10
Color Scheme: 9
Trend: 8
Logo/Mascot: 10
Total - 47

I gave Chicago a pass on the whole "is the mascot insensitive?" question because I honestly don't think it is.  On a 1-10 scale of insensitivity, 1 being completely non-offensive and 10 being Washington Redskins (which, in my mind, is basically the same thing as calling a team the Washington Black People...or worse), I'd put Blackhawks at a tepid 1.5.  No warrior stereotypes, no ridiculous references to skin color, just Blackhawks and a happy looking mascot with some feathers in his hair.  You can be offended if you want, I'm not. 

But here's why Chicago wins.  I gave Detroit and Montreal big points for not screwing around with alternates since their regular uniforms are so great, so for Chicago to try an alternate is a real high wire act, and they pulled it off.  Chicago's alternates were either throwbacks (which I didn't love but are clearly acceptable) or a perfect copy of their regular uniforms, only in their third color.  That's all I've been asking for this whole time, and even though Chicago dumped those alternates and went back to just two jerseys, it was great while it lasted, and that's why Chicago wins.

NHL Uniform Manifesto Part 2

Welcome back for part 2 of my three part NHL uniform manifesto.  Part one was the bottom third, so aside from a few bright spots, everything was pretty much terrible.  As we get into the second group, I won't need to spend as much time thinking of synonyms for the word atrocious, and we'll actually be looking at some decent jerseys before the end of part 2.  If you haven't read part 1, you'll want to go back and check it out for descriptions of the categories and also because that's a third of the whole thing and why would you skip it?

20. Philadelphia Flyers
First Impression: 7
Classicyness: 5
Color Scheme: 3
Trend: 3
Logo/Mascot: 6
Total - 24

The Flyers are easily the biggest disappointment on the list.  Anyone who knows my feelings about uniforms, and colors in general, knows that I'm a sucker for orange.  And the Flyers have so much orange.  And yet, when I look at the Flyers' jerseys, I feel nothing but disappointment.  First of all, the orange on the home jerseys doesn't have a border, it just crashes recklessly into the white on the shoulders and sleeves and sucks all the goodness out of the orange.  The away jerseys are a little better, but the white jerseys from the 80's were even better-er.  And then there's the weird nameplates.  Why do you have to be special Philadelphia?? 

Nothing makes me angrier than squandering orange, and it's too bad, because there's a lot to like here.  The logo is cool, and I don't know what a flyer is, but it sounds fun.  Philadelphia also corrected the mistake of going completely away from orange jerseys for a while.  If I was writing this in 2001, this section would be filled with bad words.  You had orange jerseys and you voluntarily gave them away?  Are you monsters?  Still, a spot in the bottom half is so disappointing for the team that features more orange than anyone else.  It didn't have to be this way Philadelphia.

19. Buffalo Sabres
First Impression: 6
Classicyness: 7
Color Scheme: 2
Trend: 3
Logo/Mascot: 6
Total - 24

Kudos to the Sabres for going back to their really nice classic logo, and for going almost all the way back to their classic look.  But, once again, the lure of a darker blue has ruined an otherwise perfectly good uniform.  What is it about navy blue that teams like so much?  Can they not see how much worse it is than regular blue?  I can see it, and it makes me sad.

Buffalo gets effort points for attempting a yellow alternate this year, but they also lose plenty of points for the troubling execution of said alternates.  Those yellow alternates could be great, but in reality they are horrifying.  Everything is wrong.  The oddly thick white border between the yellow and the navy blue, the fact that the navy blue is still there, the fact that the front is yellow but the back is still blue.  They look like the kind of uniform I would have drawn and sent into a Sports Illustrated for Kids contest when I was six.  This is especially egregious since the previous alternates were actually pretty nice.  What a mess.

18. Minnesota Wild
First Impression: 5
Classicyness: 8
Color Scheme: 6
Trend: 6
Logo/Mascot: -1
Total - 24

Look, you can name your team after anything.  Things, animals, weather phenomena.  I'll even accept random words that only mean something in your state (I don't know what a Hoosier is, but I'm positive people in Indiana do).  What I will not tolerate is a team name that is clearly an adjective.  Don't try to tell me that it's a noun referring to the wild of Minnesota.  The word for that is wilderness, and if you think Minnesota Wilderness is a stupid team name, then you should understand that Minnesota Wild is even stupider.  To be honest, -1 was generous.

This mess with the logo/mascot is a real shame because I like everything else Minnesota is doing.  The colors are nice (red and green, but not Christmasy) and the uniforms look pretty cool, especially for a newer team.  The alternates are a little dull, but I still kind of like them.  And it's just nice to have a team back in Minnesota.  So much to like, but if you name your team the Wild, 18th is about the best you can do.

17. Colorado Avalanche
First Impression: 6
Classicyness: 2
Color Scheme: 4
Trend: 6
Logo/Mascot: 7
Total - 25

Like Lightning, Avalanche is a fun team name and I imagine avalanches happen pretty frequently in Colorado.  And even if they don't, they do in my imagination and that's all that really matters.  The logo is halfway decent too.  I mean, it isn't great, but I'll take it.  I'll also take the alternate jersey, since it follows my simple philosophy that states "if you're going to have a third jersey, it should really be a third color".  Speaking of color, I don't love the burgundy, but I don't hate it either.

Colorado suffered in classicyness for stealing the Quebec team, and those Nordiques uniforms were pretty sweet, but Colorado should have a hockey team too, so they didn't get penalized as much as some of the other thieves on the list.  One bonus first impression point for being the jersey Ray Bourque finally won a Stanley Cup in.

16. Pittsburgh Penguins
First Impression: 7
Classicyness: 4
Color Scheme: 6
Trend: 3
Logo/Mascot: 5
Total - 25

Pittsburgh is a team on a slow downward trend.  They corrected the logo mistake they made in the early 90's, but the new, uglier gold they're using is a problem.  The old brighter yellow/gold really went toe to toe with the black.  This new gold just sort of hides behind it.  The Penguins also appear to have dumped those perfectly pleasant light blue alternates.  Boooo!

To be fair though, Pittsburgh's uniforms still have a lot of charm.  The penguin logo is really fun and even though the gold isn't as good as it used to be, black and gold is still a solid combination.  Plus, the Penguins have almost always been fun to watch, so that's nice.

15. Calgary Flames
First Impression: 6
Classicyness: 5
Color Scheme: 7
Trend: 3
Logo/Mascot: 4
Total - 25

I know what you're going to say.  Flames makes no sense for Calgary and I should be angrier about that.  You have to remember two things.  1) The visual of a giant flaming C over the coat of snow that I assume covers Calgary 365 days a year is fun and 2) shut up.  Calgary also gets a bonus first impression point for being a Canadian team that was stolen from an American city where hockey is pointless.  We've tried Atlanta twice now, that should really be enough.

I let the Flames off easy on trend because I'm generally a fan of adding a little black to uniforms, but this particular addition of black destroyed a work of art.  I loved the Flames' old uniforms.  Loved 'em.  I think it's the black logo on the home uniform that really gets me.  Where have you seen a black flame?  Where??  Nowhere, that's where.  Red and bright gold were such a good team for Calgary, why mess with greatness?  And then they brought back the old design as an alternate just to take it away again.  It's just depressing, let's move on.

14. San Jose Sharks
First Impression: 6
Classicyness: 3
Color Scheme: 5
Trend: 5
Logo/Mascot: 7
Total - 26

Sharks always make a good mascot, and apparently they have something to do with the San Jose area, so that's solid all the way around.  I don't love the teal, but kudos to the Sharks for trying something a little different.  And, again, when your third jersey is a third color, that's going to earn you some points.

I read on the internet that the Sharks changed their uniforms for this season to have less stuff on them because reducing the amount of stuff on the jerseys would make them lighter and improve the team's performance.  I have no idea if that's true, but if the story is true, you have to commend the Sharks for employing the most creative nonsense I've seen in any jersey history.  Kudos.

13. Dallas Stars
First Impression: 5
Classicyness: 3
Color Scheme: 6
Trend: 8
Logo/Mascot: 5
Total - 27

Stars for Dallas.  I don't love it, I don't hate it.  But why can't they be the Lone Stars?  Like all the other thieves, Dallas lost classicyness points for stealing a team from a better hockey city, but Minnesota has a new team now and while the old North Stars uniforms were terrific in their own way, they weren't my favorite. 

Big trend points for Dallas.  This franchise has had some real adventures in uniforms since moving from Minnesota, but I really think they have something with the new uniforms this year.  I like the green, and while it's a little simple for my taste, Texans are pretty simple, so it's a good fit.

12. Nashville Predators
First Impression: 4
Classicyness: 3
Color Scheme: 7
Trend: 7
Logo/Mascot: 6
Total - 27

If I'm going to penalize Pittsburgh for going from a nice bright gold to a dull and boring gold, then I have to reward the Predators for moving in the opposite direction.  Nashville's first attempt at yellow jerseys was really more of a mustard, yuck.  But a few years ago Nashville showed up with the brightest, most blinding jerseys in the league, and I'm a fan.  I don't even mind that Nashville's blue is sort of a navy blue, because you can't really see it anyway.

Logo/mascot was a struggle here.  I like Predators as a team name, I really do, but what is that on the logo?  Is that a saber-toothed tiger?  You know those are extinct, right?  I would also like to meet the person who thought "You know where we should put a hockey team?  Tennessee!" and the guy who responded to that thought with "Yes! You are so right about that!"

11. Los Angeles Kings
First Impression: 5
Classicyness: 5
Color Scheme: 6
Trend: 5
Logo/Mascot: 7
Total - 28

Sometime in the late 80's, the Kings went from Lakers colors (makes perfect sense, identify your new hockey team with the town's most successful franchise) to Raiders colors (umm, what?).  I don't mind silver and black, but the nomadic Raiders aren't even in LA anymore, and it's not like nobody saw that coming.  The Kings silver and black uniforms are perfectly adequate, but purple and gold is just fun, and everyone knows royalty wears purple.

Recently, the Kings have introduced a new alternate jersey that looks a lot like their old purple and gold deals, and I'm obviously a big fan.  This helped them a lot with what would have otherwise been a pretty weak trend score, and bumped classicyness up to average as well.  I should have deducted points for stealing Wayne Gretzky from Canada, but I didn't because I never really liked Gretzky that much so I care very little about this.

That's it for part 2.  Tune in next time for the thrilling conclusion when we cover all three New York area teams (including the worst alternate uniforms in the history of uniforms, colors and vision) and we find out who's #1.

NHL Uniform Manifesto Part 1

Those of you who read this blog sometimes, or even just read my Facebook status updates, are familiar with my fairly strong opinions regarding hockey uniforms.  Who can explain my obsession with hockey uniforms?  Certainly not me.  I don't know why I care so much.  Uniforms in other sports make almost no impression on me.  I barely even notice baseball uniforms.  Maybe it's how the colors look against the ice.  That's a theory.

Anyway, I decided to take this strange obsession and turn it into something useful.  Maybe useful isn't the right word.  Entertaining might be a little bit of a reach.  Interesting.  I think interesting is fair.  Here's how it works.  I ranked each team's set of uniforms on a 1-10 scale in five separate categories (which I've helpfully explained below).  I then ranked all 30 teams in order of the total scores, starting at the bottom because who starts at the top?  Not me, that's who. 

First Impression: This is the most comprehensive category.  This category is about my gut reaction when I turn on a hockey game and see a team's uniforms.  This covers general visual appeal, but also my own personal reaction.  Do a team's uniforms remind me of my childhood and simpler days?  Do a team's uniforms remind me of someone who makes me smile, or someone who makes me want to punch everybody?  Has a team been fun to watch over the years? All of these things will influence a team's score in this category.

Classicyness: That's not really a word, but you understand what I'm getting at.  Is a team's uniform classic?  If a team does have a classic uniform, how much or how little have they stupidly screwed around with it over the years?  If a franchise is newer, did they take the time to design a classic-looking uniform, or are they subjecting us to some new age looking disaster?

Color Scheme: This category not only includes the colors a team uses, but how they use them.  Just because you're using a lot of orange doesn't mean you're using it correctly, OK?  I'm looking at you Philadelphia.

Trend: This is probably the most simple category, but also possibly the most important.  In what direction is a team's look trending?  Do their current uniforms look better or worse than the last version?  Is the franchise learning, or just getting worse?  Also, how often are they changing?  Some teams just need to settle down.

Logo/Mascot: Most hockey jerseys feature the team's logo and/or mascot right in the middle of the jersey, so this is a very important piece of the puzzle.  Any team that doesn't feature a logo on the jersey will be dealt with on a case by case basis.  For example, the Rangers' jerseys don't really feature a logo, but that's because the Rangers' jerseys date back to the to 30s or 40s and they were too busy dealing with nazis and polio back then to worry about logos.  So even without a logo, the Rangers will get more points in this category than, say, the Minnesota Wild, who do a have a logo on their jerseys, but it's a stupid logo because wild is a fucking adjective.

Other things to keep in mind:
-Teams are responsible for all jerseys.  For example, the Islanders' two regular jerseys would rate a 10 in more than one category.  But the Islanders don't have just two jerseys, do they?
-It wouldn't be fair to punish any one team for wearing dark jerseys at home, since the NHL makes them all do it, but just be aware that the NHL as a whole gets minus 1,000,000,000 points for this.
-Ties were broken by the classicyness category because I said so.
-30 teams made this way too long, so I'm breaking it up into 3 parts for your sanity.
-I realize that it might be better if I put pictures of the uniforms with each team so you could see what I'm talking about.  Unfortunately, I'm not great at the internet and I'm not sure how to do that.  Plus, pictures would take up a lot of space and make this even longer.  Here's a website I suggest using as a reference http://www.nhluniforms.com/

OK here we go...this was pretty fun for me.

30. Florida Panthers
First Impression: 1
Classicyness: 2
Color Scheme: 2
Trend: 3
Logo/Mascot: 2
Total - 10

Obviously we have a lot of problems here.  Florida's primary colors are a combination of red and a strange dark blue that nobody should ever have to look at.  Meanwhile, they've got perfectly good gold in their color profile that they're barely using at all.  Also, the first impression is terrible because I know Florida shouldn't have a hockey team, and it certainly shouldn't have two.  I've decided to blame the Panthers more for this than the Lightning, who we'll get to soon enough.

Florida would have done a lot worse than an already pathetic 2 in the logo/mascot category if I hadn't used the internet to find out that there are actually panthers in Florida.  Unfortunately, it seems as though there are only about 200 of them, so it's sort of like the hockey franchise is taunting the poor endangered panthers.  That's better than a completely nonsensical mascot, but not much better.

29. Anaheim Ducks
First Impression: 3
Classicyness: 2
Color Scheme: 4
Trend: 4
Logo/Mascot: 0
Total - 13

These people named their team after a movie.  I don't really know what to say about that, but suffice to say 0 was generous in the logo/mascot category.  Narrative descriptions of the Ducks' color scheme over the years include words like eggplant and jade, but I went easy on them in this category because they appear to be trying to straighten it out a little.  That's also why they did moderately well in the trend category.

It's worth mentioning that Anaheim is a perfect example of a team that needs to settle down a little bit.  The number of different uniforms this franchise has blasted through in just 20 years is unconscionable, and most of the changes haven't even been for the better. 

28. Carolina Hurricanes
First Impression: 2
Classicyness: -2
Color Scheme: 6
Trend: 4
Logo/Mascot: 4
Total - 14

I pounded Carolina in the classicyness category because they stole the Whalers from Hartford and murdered those wonderful Whalers uniforms in the process.  This could have been a lot worse, but the Whalers got a little off track with their uniforms in the five or so years before they left Connecticut, so I don't miss them as much as I should.

Too bad about the theft and murder, because I actually don't mind the Hurricanes' uniforms.  Red and black isn't the most creative color scheme ever, but it's perfectly acceptable and I like a good monochromatic home uniform as much as anybody.  Hurricanes is another team name that feels a little taunty to me, but I'll allow it for now.

27. Ottawa Senators
First Impression: 2
Classicyness: 3
Color Scheme: 5
Trend: 2
Logo/Mascot: 3
Total - 15

Ottawa's alternates cost them points all over the place.  For a while, the Senators had a perfectly acceptable black alternate that was actually better than their regular dark uniform.  Now Ottawa's alternates are some kind of stripey nightmare.  That costs you points for bad trend and improper use of color scheme.  Improper use of colors is a general problem with Ottawa, which is too bad because I like red and black as a color scheme, but the Senators just can't get it right, or even close.

You'd think I'd give Ottawa more points for logo/mascot, but you'd be wrong.  Yes, Senators makes sense for a capital city, but that logo is ugly and frightening, and also reminds you that, just like Florida, they have gold in their color profile that they refuse to use.

26. Phoenix Coyotes
First Impression: 5
Classicyness: 0
Color Scheme: 6
Trend: 3
Logo/Mascot: 4
Total - 18

I really enjoy the desert red that the Coyotes and Diamondbacks use.  Not too bright, not too dull, and the Coyotes use it generously.  Also, whenever I see the Coyotes on TV I'm immediately reminded of the awesome white outs they do during the playoffs (which made a hell of a lot more sense when the home team was wearing white). 

On the other hand, The Coyotes have a long history of atrocious alternate uniforms which have frequently included alternate logos.  Alternate logos are just ridiculous and should be immediately outlawed.  Also, Phoenix loses big points for the same reason Carolina did, stealing the Jets from Winnipeg and murdering the classic Jets uniforms everyone loved.  The only reason that score isn't lower than 0 is I don't know if the Coyotes wouldn't let the new Winnipeg franchise use the old uniforms or if the new Winnipeg franchise never asked.  If I find out they asked and Phoenix said no, this score goes to -100 and they lose forever.

25. Columbus Blue Jackets
First Impression: 3
Classicyness: 4
Color Scheme: 5
Trend: 5
Logo/Mascot: 1
Total - 18

Columbus was tough for me.  I give them credit for being a new team and taking the time to design some normal looking uniforms.  I also sort of like their new alternates, which are pretty nice, but if you're going to have a red, white and blue color scheme and your regular dark jersey is blue, shouldn't your alternate be red?  I mean, that just makes sense.

What doesn't make sense is A) having a team in Columbus in the first place and B) calling a team the Blue Jackets.  Apparently the Blue Jackets' name has something to do with the Civil War.  All that tells me is that there's nothing unique about Columbus (because every state that existed in 1860 has a Civil War history and you don't see them naming hockey teams after it) and that nothing interesting has happened in Columbus since 1865.  You can't just put a team between Cincinnati and Cleveland and expect people from both cities to instantly become fans of the team.  Does the NHL know how big Ohio is?  I once drove from Cleveland to Cincinnati.  It took like 5 hours and there's literally nothing between Columbus and Cincinnati.  This was a bad plan for an expansion team, is what I'm saying.

24. Vancouver Canucks
First Impression: 4
Classicyness: 6
Color Scheme: 5
Trend: 1
Logo/Mascot: 3
Total - 19

Vancouver should be ashamed of themselves for being the first not that new team on the list, especially since this is all about bad decisions.  I may be the only person who feels this way, but I really liked the late 80s/early 90s Canucks uniforms.  Black, red and yellow, used pretty well.  I was a fan.  Then all of a sudden they went back to their green and blue uniforms from when the team first started out.  I gave them fair classicyness points for that, but they lost major trend points for going backwards instead of forward into the colorful future.

And then there's the logo.  Apparently the whale has something to do with the Canucks' corporate overlords, but that's not my problem.  They aren't the Vancouver Whales.  I do like the hockey stick logo on the alternates, so they salvaged a few points for logo, but just a few, and I was being generous because they're Canadian.

23. Tampa Bay Lightning
First Impression: 3
Classicyness: 6
Color Scheme: 2
Trend: 2
Logo/Mascot: 7
Total - 20

Another relatively new team in uniforms that look like hockey uniforms, that's a good start.  I like the logo too.  It looks good on a jersey, and I don't know if they have a lot of lightning in Tampa, but I bet they probably do.  Either way, lightning is a cool team name. 

Unfortunately, Tampa's downward trending color scheme is a real problem.  Black, blue and white is boring to begin with, but replacing the old perfectly acceptable black uniforms with their current incredibly dull blue uniforms was a major mistake.  And don't even get me started on the alternates.  I just finished telling you how much I like your team name and now you're too lazy to write out the whole word on your alternate jerseys? 

22. Washington Capitals
First Impression: 6
Classicyness: 2
Color Scheme: 7
Trend: 4
Logo/Mascot: 3
Total - 22

Washington's trend score was a real battle for me.  On one hand, I love their relatively new throwback alternates, and the current regular uniforms are much better than the disasters the Capitals broke out in the late 90s.  Having said that, today's uniforms are still worse than Washington's classic uniforms, so the long term trend is unmistakably bad.  One extra point off for inexplicably using a darker blue than they used to, which will always cost you points with me.

I do like the color scheme, if only they would give up on the navy blue.  I also don't hate the logo as much as the logo score would suggest, but it just seems sort of lazy to me, and the font is strange too.  If they had just gone back to their regular old uniforms we wouldn't be having any of these problems.  Washington's uniforms aren't terrible, but they could be so much better and that's why they're in the bottom third.

21. Winnipeg Jets
First Impression: 6
Classicyness: 5
Color Scheme: 3
Trend: 5
Logo/Mascot: 4
Total - 23

Speaking of lazy logos, Winnipeg's jerseys feature a jet flying over a maple leaf.  A little on the nose, don't you think?  The logo looks nice on the jersey though, so it's not so bad.  And the jerseys are pretty solid for a new team.  If I knew for sure why they weren't just using the classic Jets jerseys, and if I knew it was definitely Phoenix's fault, Winnipeg would get more points for classicyness.  But I don't know those things and if I had to guess I'd say it's more likely Winnipeg never asked Phoenix because they thought they had a better idea.  They thought wrong.

First impression is obviously above average because seeing a team back in Winnipeg is fantastic.  I'm not a fan of the color scheme though.  Two different shades of blue?  Come on, Canada.  You can do better than that. 

That's it for part 1.  Stayed tuned for part 2, which will include important topics like improper use of my favorite color, my feelings about Wayne Gretzky and more complaining about darker shades of blue. 

Why Are You So Bad At Your Job?

I've been thinking about this for a while and game 6 of the NBA finals was sort of a tipping point for me.  First, Tony Parker clearly got pushed when he tried to make a game winning shot at the end of regulation.  He also flopped, but still, he was fouled first.  Then, Manu Ginobili got mauled by more than one Miami player on his way to attempting a lay-up near the end of overtime.  Manu also took about 4 steps.  Neither one of those things drew a whistle.  Then Danny Green got tackled by Chris Bosh while trying to make a game tying three at the buzzer.  Van Gundy commented that he was OK with the no call but "is that a foul in the first 46 minutes of the game? Definitely!".  That's not how rules work Jeff!

Quick sidenote on the NBA finals.  I guess I'm rooting for the Spurs, but I kind of don't like either of these teams and I feel like neither outcome will save me from a summer of having to hear about Lebron all the time, so I mostly don't care who wins. 

Anyway, back to the point...why is it so hard to find competent officiating for major professional sports?  It's an honest question.  I sometimes feel like the NBA is secretly only allowed to recruit referees from prisons that are full of prisoners whose crimes somehow related to their complete inability to understand the rules of basketball.

Before we get to actual sports though, a quick honorable mention for soccer.  We'll talk about the NBA more in a little bit and when we do, just remember that flopping started in soccer.  Soccer referees throughout the world were so incompetent at discerning the difference between an actual foul and a flop that flopping became something of a soccer tradition, like 0-0 ties or standing around and not doing anything while the game is actually happening.  The influx of European players to the NBA was immediately accompanied by the advent of NBA flopping (I'm looking at you Vlade Divac).  There's no excuse for American referees to be just as useless as European soccer referees, but still, like most things, some of this is all soccer's fault.

Let's start with the NHL because, as usual, hockey is better than everything else.  I honestly can't remember the last time I walked away from a hockey game thinking that the officials had influenced the outcome of the game in any real way.  Hockey officials are the exception that prove the rule.  You could read this and say I just hate all referees, and you could be right, except you're not, because I don't hate hockey refs.

To be fair, there's definitely some built in advantage here.  Most hockey calls are relatively subjective and the NHL has taken concrete action in the rules to avoid flopping and exaggerating to get calls.  Also, most hockey commentators are Canadian, so they're generally pretty nice abooot stuff and they don't kill the refs too much even when they do miss a call. 

Hockey officials also get extra bonus points because A) if you count each skate individually, hockey players are carrying three deadly weapons at all times and B) hockey officials have to know how to skate, making them the only officials I can think of who actually have a skill. 

One more important point here.  Since, when you grow up, you learn that none of your dreams actually come true, I don't live in Canada.  Our syrupy neighbors to the north take hockey at least as seriously as we take football, and I imagine that if I were to walk into a Winnipeg sports bar in January I'd hear Canadians using their awesome accents to politely complain about all the bad calls in last night's Jets game.  So maybe it's all just a matter of perspective. 

Speaking of football, the NFL is sort of a mixed bag.  On one hand, I feel like there's been a disputable or debatable call on every football play I've ever seen.  The NFL provides a constant stream of questionable officiating, and I'm not sure I've ever fully agreed with a call in an NFL game. 

But the thing is, I'm not sure I've ever fully disagreed with a call in an NFL game either.  Officiating football is really hard.  Take a look at the basic situation for NFL refs:
-Players basically assault each other on every play and it's perfectly legal...
-except for the quarterback, who has like one square foot of area where you're allowed to touch him.  -I'm not sure if anybody in the world is 100% clear on when you're allowed to hit a receiver.
-Commentators constantly point out that there's holding on every play, which seems true enough, but you obviously can't call it on every play. 
-The rules change slightly every time someone gets another concussion.
-And there are all these complicated extra rules about eligible receivers and things happening down-field and whatnot. 

It's a lot, is what I'm saying.  Watching a group of guys try to properly officiate an NFL game is a lot like watching your dog try to work the microwave.  He's not going to get it right, but it's not really his fault either.  Plus it's football, so it's not like we're going to stop watching, so who really cares.

Now we come to baseball and this is where I start to get annoyed.  Baseball umpires have the easiest job I could possibly imagine.  First of all, most baseball rules were written 150 years ago.  People were less creative back then, so you have really simple rules like "if the ball beats the runner to first base, the runner is out" or "if a fielder catches the ball before it hits the ground, the batter is out" or "women aren't allowed to vote", etc. 

Secondly, if baseball were moving any slower, the games would be happening in reverse.  Baseball umpires are the only officials I can think of that literally never have to worry about watching more than one thing at the same time, and that's because there are four of them (six in the post-season) and there's almost never more than one thing happening at the same time.  Unlike other sports, baseball doesn't really have things happening off the ball that the officials have to worry about.

So, to recap, the job of a baseball umpire can be summed up as "watching the shiny ball and describing what happens around it".  And yet, way too many baseball umpires are just terrible at it.  I honestly feel like you could train four smart horses to umpire a baseball game and you wouldn't necessarily notice the difference in call quality.  I'm also 100% sure baseball umpires could be 100% replaced by some well placed sensors, a locator chip in the ball and a computer.  Why haven't we done this yet?

Finally, we come to the NBA.  Why is every basketball game I watch an officiating catastrophe?  I don't even know where to start.  You get two steps when you pick up your dribble.  TWO!  Can NBA referees not count to three?  I could replace NBA refs with the smartest kids in a nursery school and get better calls on traveling violations.

And the blocking/charging calls.  I know, that's not so easy, but still.  If you put me in a room where I couldn't see the game and just told me whenever there was a blocking/charging call situation and I just flipped a coin to decide which one to call, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between my results and the results we get from NBA refs.  You know I'm right about that.

And the flopping.  So much flopping, so easy to fix.  Just stop making the calls.  Next time a defender dives to the ground like he was shot trying to draw a charge, don't call a charge, or a block.  Just let them keep playing so the offense gets two points because one of the guys on defense is rolling around on the floor like a moron. 

And then there's Lebron.  Yes, Lebron gets his own paragraph because watching NBA referees officiate Lebron is one of the most frustrating things I've ever seen in sports.  Every time Lebron goes to the basket he uses his off hand to clear out his defender (which is super effective for him, because he might be the strongest person in the history of everything).  Not only does he never get called for this, but half the time the defender gets called for a foul for viciously assaulting Lebron's left elbow with his face.  I sometimes think NBA referees all have a secret memo from David Stern which reads, in part, "Our research shows that people like watching Lebron score, so if you see anyone trying to stop him from doing that, just call them for something, we don't really care what". 

You know why people can't stop spinning conspiracy theories about the NBA using officials to manipulate games and playoff series results?  It's because people watching are just trying to think of a plausible explanation for how the officiating could be so consistently awful.  And the most frustrating part is, we never get an explanation.  Why are referees the only people in the world who never have to be accountable for their job performance?  Why don't they have to do a press conference at the end of the game like coaches and players do?  Just once, I'd like to see a reporter get to raise his hand in a press room and ask the lead official of an NBA crew "Why are you so bad at your job?" 

Little Things

Why is it that the NHL seems to be able to nail all the little things, but is completely incapable of getting any of the big things right?  Tonight I watched game 7 between the Rangers and Senators (I tried to watch the Panthers/Devils game 7 too, but I just couldn't bring myself to care so I did this instead).  At the beginning of the game was the traditional singing of the anthems, for both the United States and Canada (because, apparently, Ottawa is the capital of Canada.  How adorable, they have a capital and a song and everything). 

Did they get some idiot-ass pop star to sing the anthems?  Or some stupid little kid?  Hell no!  It was some grumpy-looking old dude who looked like he should be taking your hat at the Bada Bing.  Nailed it!  The NHL gets a lot of these little things right.  New rules to make the game better after the lock-out, overtime shoot-outs so sports fans never have to endure another tie (unless Bud Selig decides to ruin another all-star game, or unless you count soccer fans as sports fans, which I obviously don't), the way Canadian announcers pronounce the name Hossa.  Nailed!  Nailed!  Nailed!

You could argue that rule changes were a big thing, but then that would ruin my whole premise so shut up please.  All of these good little things just serve to infuriate me more when they screw up the big things.  Like, why would you allow your playoffs to be scheduled in such a way that two of your game sevens have to go head to head with the first round of the NFL draft?  The one night between the superbowl and September when the NFL comes back to completely dominate sports TV.  Even if you went up against the 2nd and 3rd rounds you'd have a fighting chance.  Nobody cares about those anyway. 

Quick sidenote, what's with the NFL's hard-on for Thursdays?  I loved the old Saturday-Sunday drafts.  They went on forever, the whole second day with the B team commentators was hilarious, it was just a fun weekend.  Now, the draft starts on Thursday, which meant I had to try flipping back and forth between fantastic episodes of Community and 30 Rock and the draft just to keep up with what was going on.  Who knows how many idiotic things Chris Berman said that I'll never get to hear.  I flipped over once and caught the end of him screaming incoherently, but about what?  I'll never know...I'll NEVER know.

Plus, we're heading toward a season in which we have Thursday games almost every week.  Thursday games are the worst.  They ruin my fantasy team and the games themselves are always terrible because the players are all only half-healed from the week before.  WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH ROGER GODDELL AND THURSDAYS???  I hate this shit more than anything else in sports right now!  Where was I?

Oh yeah, hockey.  See?  The NHL can't even keep my attention for more than three paragraphs, and I love hockey.  Playoff scheduling isn't the only problem.  Why do they continue to insist upon wearing dark jerseys at home now?  I hate that almost as much as I hate Thursday football.  It doesn't look right and it never will.  How stupid did it look in Phoenix when the crowd did the white-out for playoff games (awesome gimmick, by the way), but the home team was wearing red?  Very stupid, is the answer to my query. 

And why is there still a team in Phoenix anyway? or San Jose? or Anaheim? or Tampa? or Miami? or Carolina? or Columbus, OH (the fact that I have to add OH there because otherwise you wouldn't know what I was talking about because nobody gives a shit about Columbus except Ohio State fans pretty much illustrates my point).  I could go on and on. 

The point is, I don't see why the NHL can't fix these problems.  Move the San Jose team to Quebec.  Combine the Anaheim and Columbus franchises and move them to Saskatoon or Regina (I feel like they should call the team the Saskatoon Saskatoons).  Move the Florida Panthers to Seattle (seriously, why hasn't Seattle ever had a hockey team?  Is it too close to Vancouver?  What am I missing?).  Move Carolina back to Hartford (obviously).  Move the Phoenix team to some other city in Ontario.  I honestly believe Ontario could support 8 NHL teams if we asked them to.

Then, you just let them wear white at home, like they're supposed to, and try not to schedule your best games when nobody is watching.  How hard is that?  I guess what I'm saying is, I would enjoy being King of the NHL (which is a better title than commissioner, which is obviously useless), and they should probably hire me now.  Gary Bettman can have my job if he wants it.

Tips For New Hockey Fans

I'm happy to say that hockey has finally returned to my TV. My jobs have always required me to live on college campuses and take whatever cable package the students get, but not anymore! Now I have a new job, my own apartment and the NHL center ice package. I'm psyched, and I want other people to be psyched too. I probably know a lot of people who aren't hockey fans, and you're missing a great deal of awesome. So, here are some helpful tips, so you can get into this under-appreciated sport and enjoy the awesome awesomeness.

1) Pick A Team
This may sound difficult, but it can actually be pretty easy. Turn on your television machine and flip around a bit tonight. Do you see some hockey? If you do, your city/state probably already has a hockey team. Bam! Done.

If your city or state doesn't have a ready-made team you can root for, or if your city/state's hockey team suffers from an incurable case of suckitis, it gets a little tougher. Last year, I picked a team for myself in response to the many unforgivable sins of the New York Islanders, feel free to consult that blog entry for a method.

2) Learn About Canada
A lot of hockey players are from Canada. Also, hockey is the national sport up there, and they're not screwing around. I got to see opening night in Toronto on center ice and holy crap! Opening night of the NHL season is like 10 superbowls up there. You can't watch a lot of hockey if you don't understand Canada.

For example, did you know Canada has universal health care? That's right, if you get sick in Canada, you go to a hospital and, free of charge, a moose kicks you until whatever you were complaining about doesn't hurt anymore. Also, in Canada, it snows 378 days a year. "gee Sean, those things don't sound true." Really? Which one of us is the hockey fan here? I rest my case.

3) Learn The Rules
Now that you have a team and you know enough about Canada to keep up, you can start watching some games. This is when it becomes important to know the many rules involved with hockey. A lot of them are pretty much in line with other sports you already know, or pretty intuitive. You can't trip people, you can't hit somebody in the head from behind when he's not looking, you can't use your stick to slash another guy's legs.

Some of the other rules might catch you off guard if you aren't prepared. For example, in most sports, if you were to, say, go up to another player and punch him in the face, you'd be thrown out of the game and probably fined. In hockey, you go sit quietly for five minutes ("and you feel shame") and then all is forgiven.

4) Learn To Love The World
As a good American, you probably hate most of the rest of the world, especially Europe and Russia. As a hockey fan, you'll have to get over it. The NHL has Europeans and Russians all over the place. The team you pick will most likely have at least a few of both. I know the rest of the world is a bunch of stupid smarty-pants jerks who we should never listen to, but when it comes to hockey, we need to learn to deal with each other.

5) Learn The History
As the season winds down, you'll hear hockey people starting to talk about trophies. The MVP of the league gets the Hart trophy, obviously named after pro wrestler and Canadian national treasure Bret "the Hitman" Hart. Hockey has a lot of trophies like that, presumably all named after Canadian pro wrestlers, and you'll feel better once you know who they are.

6) Clear Your Schedule
If you read my blog often, you've already heard me mention the hockey playoffs. I can't even think of a word to describe the hockey playoffs, and I love words, look how many I'm using right now. The point is, from mid-April through late June, clear your TV calendar, because the playoffs are on. And if I catch you watching American Idol or Grey's Anatomy instead of the Western Conference semi-finals, you'd better start running.

Re-Mixed Bag

There's a lot going on in the sports world these days, but nothing I feel like writing a whole lot about. So, let's try another round of made-up questions from made-up readers.

Q: You're always going on and on about how great hockey is, so how come no hockey playoff picks? - Homer, Springfield.
A: Honestly, I'm just bitter about not being able to see the playoffs on TV. If I had made picks, I would have picked the Blackhawks over the Sabres in six. I like Buffalo because they've got the best goaltender. As for Chicago, I watched almost every Olympic hockey game. Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane were the two best non-goaltenders in that tournament. They both play in Chicago.

Q: Any thoughts on Sam Bradford going number one in the NFL draft yesterday? - George J., the future.
A: I can't believe the Rams didn't take Ndamukong Suh. That's going to wind up being a HUGE mistake, an Oden/Durant level mistake. If you don't believe me, just ask the pile of bodies Suh left on the field after every Nebraska game last year. That dude is a monster, QB's in the NFC North better starting running now.

PS...I demand that Fox use Johnny Cash's A Boy Named Sue at least once during every Lions' game next year. I demand it.

PPS...yes, Greg Oden is the new Sam Bowie. Congratulations to Portland for making the exact same mistake twice. That really takes...umm...what's the oppostive of savvy.

Q: The Denver Broncos took Tim Tebow with the 25th pick in the NFL draft. Do you think that was a bad idea? - Eric, South Park, CO.
A: Bad idea? Trying to hook up with a stripper is a bad idea. Driving to the store to get cigarettes when you're so drunk that you want cigarettes even though you don't smoke is a bad idea. Tim Tebow in the first round was a terrible idea. Denver just blew a 1st round pick on a guy that will never be a starting quarterback in the NFL. Ever. Congratulations Broncos fans, I hope you enjoy the white Tommy Frazier, or as he was formerly known, Eric Crouch.

Q: If your favorite NFL team needed a QB, would you want them to give up some high draft picks for Ben Roethlisberger? - Peter, Quahog, RI.
A: Honestly, no. I'm not usually someone who cares about character, but the Roethlisbozo is a meat-head frat boy who doesn't appear to have the ability or the inclination to grow up. It's not like this is his first stupid incident. I have no confidence that this will be his last conduct suspension, so I'd stay away.

Q: You're a New York guy. Can you give me a good reason Mets' fans shouldn't all kill themselves? - Lion-o, ummm, I don't know where the Thundercats were from, my childhood?
A: Actually, I can, no fooling. Mike Pelfrey. I've seen every Pelfrey start this year, and this doesn't look like a hot start or a fluke to me. Pelfrey looks to be in total control out there, he looks like he figured something out. I think he'll finish the year with an ERA right around 3 and 15-18 wins. Considering how young he is, I think that's enough for Mets' fans to put down the cyanide. Come on, put it down. There you go.

Q: After almost completely leaving him out of all of your baseball previews, what are your thoughts about Jason Heyward? - Stan, Langley Falls, VA.
A: He's like a cross between Barry Bonds, Jesus and Superman. Seriously though, I'm pretty impressed. I can't wait for him to become a Yankee. Maybe we should trade Nick Swisher now just to make room.

Q: What's the most surprising thing about the baseball season so far? - Stewie, Quahog, RI.
I'd have to say it's the Red Sox. They really look awful. It's early, and Boston has the pieces to add players if they need to, but Tampa and the Yankees both look like 100-win teams. Boston can't afford to get too far back. If the Sox can't get it going, we could see the rare May trade.

Q: You picked the Washington Wizards to make it to the second round of the NBA playoffs. Is that the stupidest thing you've ever said? - Stan, South Park, CO.
A: I may have said something stupider at some point in my life, but it has to be the stupidest thing I've ever put in writing. In my defense, many players who started the year in Washington have a solid chance of going to the second round, maybe even further.

Q: Any thoughts on the Masters? - Pinky and the Brain, some kind of science lab.
A: I was rooting for Tiger for four days, right up until Phil won and hugged his wife and I remembered that Mickelson stuck by his wife when she got cancer and Tiger had sex with anything that moved. I guess what I'm saying is, hooray for Phil!

Q: Now that the playoffs have started, how are you feeling about your NBA picks? - Cleveland, Stoolbend, VA.
A: Pretty good. If you take out my previously mentioned disastrous Wizards prediction, I actually did a decent job, including being dead on about the Durants giving the Lakers a hard time in a first round series. I still like my Spurs-Magic finals, too.

I know the Spurs are a 7 seed, but I think they can roll past the Mavs and whoever they get in round two. I know the Lakers are still the favorite, but I've watched all three of their playoff games, something just looks off. The Spurs have the look of a team that's putting it together at the right time.

Then there's the Magic. I'd love to see the Bulls find a way to take four games from Cleveland, but it's probably not going to happen. I'm sure we're heading for the inevitable Magic-Cavs conference final. Betting on Vince Carter is basically like playing a slot machine, but I'm sticking with my pick. Magic over the Hype Kings in six.

Why Can't We Have Nice Things?

Why do we always have to tinker with everything? We always have to try and make everything in sports bigger and better and more profitable. Why can't we ever just have a nice thing and keep it that way?

Two weeks ago the baseball season started. Opening day for baseball is easily one of the best 10 sports days of the year, hands down. But we don't really have opening day anymore, do we? Nope. We have opening Sunday night. This year, we got the Yankees and the Red Sox (because the country hasn't already seen enough of them) on Sunday night in Boston. There's already something crappy about night baseball (as compared to day baseball), starting the season with it is double crappy.

Next Thursday is the first round of the NFL draft. I'll watch, because I'm a man and thus legally required to watch anything NFL-related. Up until this year, the NFL draft was on a weekend, and it was kind of cool. I could never really explain why it was so fascinating, but it was. It was two days of non-stop football, except without any football. It sounds unwatchable, but it was great.

Now? Thursday night is round one, and then Friday is rounds two and three, then Saturday is the rest. What? Why not just have one pick a night every night for the rest of the year? Why not add a few rounds so we have 365 picks and just make it non-stop? Every night, all the time, one NFL pick. How about not televising it at all? Keep all the picks secret until opening week and it's a big surprise for everyone. Sure, you'd have to cancel the pre-season to do that, but no one gives a crap about the pre-season anyway.

And speaking of opening week, don't even get me started on the first week of the NFL. Most people, if they had a time machine, they'd go back and stop John Wilkes Boothe from killing Lincoln, or they'd go kill Hitler before he took power in Germany. Those things would be nice and all, but I might just use my time machine to go back and stop the guy who convinced the NFL that Thursday games are a good idea.

The NHL playoffs used to be on my TV every spring, I loved them. This post-season all I get are Devils' games until they get eliminated. Devils' games! I'd almost rather have no playoff hockey at all. The real playoff games are on some network I don't get and no one had ever heard of before the NHL moved there. The NHL playoffs would be more accessible to me if they played the games on the moon and made me watch through a telescope.

I already wrote something about changing the NCAA tournament. I actually wrote that I agree with adding more teams, and I do, but I still don't understand why we need to screw with something that was already working. "Everyone loves this tournament, other networks don't even bother trying on Thursday and Friday nights in March, people call in sick to work to watch schools they've never heard of play each other, it's perfect. Let's see if we can ruin it".

It's not just sports either. Green Day used to be a pretty cool band. They weren't the best thing out there, but they were certainly listenable. Perfectly adequate corporate punk rock. Like Blink 182, only slightly better because Billie Joe's brother Tim was in Operation Ivy and Rancid. I was a fan. Now there's a Green Day Broadway musical. What an abomination. Every time I see the commercial I want to break a guitar over someone's head.

The answer to this riddle, of course, is money. And I'm fine with that. I like money. Who doesn't like money? I only have one idea for change. I'd like to go to a Yankee game sometime soon in the new stadium. I'd like good seats, because, as much as I love baseball, nothing is worse than sitting in the upper deck trying to watch a game you could have a better look at on TV. Unfortunately, I don't have 5,000 extra dollars laying around. Bummer.

So, my proposal is simple. I think sports should have to pick one or the other. Either keep charging us eleventy billion dollars for tickets, or keep making us put up with this constant tinkering designed to bring in more corporate money, but not both. If I have to watch the NFL draft one round at a time, then I should be able to go to a Jets game for free. If I have to take out a mortgage to go to Yankee Stadium, then I should be able to watch the Yankee game on YES without commercials. I think that's a fair compromise.

And, if sports refuses to give in to my demands, I will keep watching them, because sports are awesome, and I shouldn't complain so much.

Not So Stupid

Sometime last week, the radio told me that college basketball may very well be expanding the NCAA tournament to 96 teams. My first reaction, like most people, was "that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!". Part of me still thinks I may be right about that. First, here's my understanding of how it would work.

Teams would be seeded 1-24 in each region. On the Tuesday and Wednesday before the games usually start, teams 9 and 24 would play each other, 10 and 23, etc etc. Then, the winners of those games would play the top eight seeds and the schedule would continue as it always has.

First of all, why mess with the best sports event in the world. The first Thursday/Friday round of the NCAA tournament is absolutely the best sports we get all year, and it's not even close. If anyone wants to argue the NHL playoffs are better, I'm listening, but you need to get them back on my TV. If anyone wants to argue the world cup is better, go live in South America with the rest of the soccer fans.

This new schedule would definitely take out some of the first week excitement. For example, everyone watched 15 seed Robert Morris almost shock 2 seed Villanova. Under the new system, Robert Morris probably still has that scrappy almost-win, but it happens on Tuesday against the 6th best team in the Big Ten and no one really cares. So that's kind of a bad thing.

More importantly for me, the people who run college basketball are basically the same morons who run college football. The idea of tinkering with the best thing they have (the NCAA tournament) while doing nothing about America's greatest sports abomination (the unforgivable bowl system) makes me want to put all 120 division one college presidents in a room, lock the door and release the hounds, or the bees, or the hounds with bees in their mouths so when they bark they shoot bees at you.

Clearly, I have my concerns. The more I thought about it though, this expansion idea actually started to make more sense. I'm a numbers guy, here's my argument:

The NFL: 32 teams, 12 make the playoffs. That's 37.5%
The NBA: 30 teams, 16 make the playoffs. That's 53.3%
Baseball: 30 teams, 8 make the playoffs. That's 26.7%
The NHL: still at a ridiculous 30 teams, 16 make the playoffs. Also 53.3%
Big Time College Football: 120 teams, 34 bowls for 68 teams. That's 56.7%

Wait, forget about that last one. The college football post-season doesn't count for anything, ever. But I think the rest of it makes a compelling argument.

There are 347 division one basketball teams, and that number will probably keep growing. Currently 65 of those teams make the real tournament, that's only 18.7%. Even 96 teams would only bump it up to 27.7%, barely more than baseball and way less than the other three major sports.

I know, there's also the NIT and CBI tournaments, which would bring the total post-season count for college basketball to 113, or 32.6%. That's still less than everything but baseball. Also, the NIT and CBI don't count and definitely shouldn't keep happening. Congratulations Dayton, you're approximately the 50th best team in your sport this year! Go crazy!

Why not give college basketball more teams in the real post-season? Especially since most college basketball players aren't going to the NBA or any other pro league. This is their only shot at playing in a meaningful playoff game. And for the fans, we get two more days of pretty competitive games. Would you trade a few of the exciting moments from this year's tournament for two whole extra days of games? I feel like I would. You'd have to at least consider it, right?

Picking A Hockey Team

Last Friday I did a thing about the Yankees. So I thought, why not make Friday sports day for my blog. Done and done. This week, I'm picking a hockey team.

When I was very young, I was an Islander fan. The Islanders were great back before I knew how to talk or eat solid food, but it wasn't long after I figured out that people playing peek-a-boo with me weren't actually disappearing that the Islanders began their slow, agonizing decline. Normally, I'd say you should throw apples at anyone who abandons their team just because it got bad, you have to stick by your team. But, I've got a good reason (aka, lame excuse). The Islanders changed their uniforms. I've decided, whenever your favorite team changes their uniforms to something decidedly worse, that's a one time get out of jail free card. You can leave, never look back, no hard feelings. And that's what I did.

Side note: I think marriages should have a clause like this, a mutual option after a certain number of years, so if it isn't really working out, both parties can just walk away, no messy divorce, no crying, just poof and it's gone. And people wonder why I'm single.

So I've removed the Islanders from my life, like an exorcism, but I still love hockey, so I need a new team, watching a sport without a rooting interest just isn't the same. I think the best way to do this is by process of elimination. Hopefully, anyone reading this who has a sport they love but no one to root for can find some guidance.

One important ground rule. The current, on-ice, state of the team doesn't matter. This is a lifetime commitment, any team I pick has some good years and some bad years coming.

First Out - Carolina, Colorado, Phoenix and Dallas
Boooooooooo! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
These teams were stolen from Canada or demonstrably better and more logical U.S. hockey cities. I'd never root for them and they belong in the 9th circle of hockey hell.

Next Out - Los Angeles, Anaheim, San Jose, Florida, Atlanta, Nashville and Tampa Bay
If a city is way too hot for me to even consider living in, I'm definitely not getting behind its hockey team. Move one of these teams to Winnipeg and we'll talk.

Next Out - Minnesota, Columbus and Ottawa
Since expansion basically murdered the NHL, recent expansion teams are out. Also, who would want to root for a team from Columbus? Not me, no not me.

Next Out - New York (both teams), New Jersey and Philadelphia
The Islanders are obviously out, but just to make it official. And the rest? Chief geographical rivals of the team I'm abandoning, just wouldn't be right.

Now we're down to the top twelve: Pittsburgh, Buffalo, Boston, Montreal, Toronto, Washington, Chicago, Detroit, St. Louis, Calgary, Edmonton and Vancouver.

Vancouver's out. Crappy uniforms=not for me.

Montreal's out. There's a lot to like in Montreal, but they're also in the French part of Canada, so you never know when they might surrender, no deal.

Calgary's out. They get some credit for being a Canadian team stolen from an American city that has no business having hockey, but they're still a stolen team, with a name that doesn't make any sense (Flames? I've never been to Calgary, but I doubt fire would be the first thing to come to mind when I got off the plane). Plus, I'm not wild about what they've been doing with their uniforms lately.

Detroit's out. Lots to like here too, but everyone's a Red Wings fan, I want a bit more of a "little guy" team. Come to think of it, that eliminates Toronto too.

Buffalo and Washington are out next, both for the same reason. First, they had awesome uniforms, but then they changed to terrible uniforms. Now, they've both changed back, but it isn't quite the same. Lack of foresight=lack of me as a fan.

Boston and Pittsburgh are out next. These were the first two real tough eliminations, but the yellow and black color schemes did them in. I HATE BEES!

2nd Runner Up: St. Louis
The Blues are great, right down to the team name, and I was a huge Brett Hull fan as a kid, but they fell short in a few key areas. First, St. Louis is right on the border of being way too hot for me to live in. Second, I don't see much of a tradition of winning, that's important. Third, I'm not sure how much people in St. Louis care about the Blues, they've got the Cardinals and the Rams. I wouldn't want to join the ranks of Blues fans just to find out that I'm alone.

1st Runner Up: Chicago
The Blackhawks were right there. Great uniforms, great name, excellent food in Chicago. Unfortunately, it was the paltry three cups in over 75 years that put them just below the winner...

My New Hockey Team: The Edmonton Oilers
Edmonton's the best hockey city you could find. It's freezing cold, they don't have any other good sports, and it's in Canada, eh? Add five Stanley Cups, Gretzky, Messier and the fact that I've already decided Edmonton is where I'm going if I ever move out of the U.S., and this is the perfect fit. It's even enough to forgive their occasional uniform transgressions.

So that's it, I'm an Oilers fan. Now I just have to figure out how I can ever see an Oilers game.