The Debate Show

Tonight's debate is hosted by Fox "News", so it was preceded by Bill O'Reilly's smirking idiocy hour.  Bill isn't even really a Republican anymore.  He's just an angry old guy who mumbles to himself on TV about these damn kids with their rock music and blue jeans.

I should go easy on Fox, it's tough over there right now.  Nobody knows who the Republican nominee is going to be.  For the propaganda arm of the Republican party, that means they have no idea who they're supposed to be smearing with distortions and falsehoods.  They even let Ron Paul in the studio today.  I hope someone hid Sean Hannity's Ron Paul voodoo doll before Ron showed up.

It appears tonight's moderators/question clowns will be Bret Baier, Neil Cavuto, Christopher Wallace and Megyn Kelly.  That's Megyn with a Y, as in, holy crap, Y would they let Megyn Kelly ask questions at a real debate like an actual journalist.

9:03PM: Once again, Newt works Ronald Reagan into his very first answer.  He's on his game tonight.  I'm surprised he didn't come out wearing a Reagan mask.

9:05PM: Did you know Newt teaches the art of war to 1 and 2 star generals?  Can that be right?  No wonder our last couple of wars didn't go so well.  I'm genuinely terrified by this.  Why would we let Newt teach anyone anything?  Things in this country may be worse than I thought.

9:06PM: Ron Paul says he talks about things that would appeal to Democrats and Independents.  That's true, he's the only one of these guys I'd vote for, although I'm still concerned that his Presidency would be four years of anarchy.

9:08PM: Santorum just referred to himself in the third person.  That's pretty ballsy for a guy polling somewhere around 0%. 

9:10PM: When asked to respond to accusations that he won't be tough enough on President Obama, Romney responds by stoically rattling off what appeared to be a paragraph from his stump speech.

9:11PM: Bachmann says she "spent 50 years as a real person".  I assume that's a reference to Romney being a robot and Newt being the Pillsbury Doughboy.

9:12PM: Cavuto asked Perry about how Obama would debate circles around him.  Perry responded by stuttering over some things he says he'd talk about and then rambling incoherently about Tim Tebow for 30 seconds.  So there.

9:15PM: Huntsman, as he has before, promises to fix America's "trust deficit".  That's not the worst idea I've ever heard, I just don't think he can do it.  It's kind of like when Barack Obama said he was going to change Washington, but then he got there and quickly realized there was no way that was going to happen.

9:17PM: Perry just blamed President Obama for Congress' spectacular failure to do anything useful.  Seems like Perry still doesn't really understand what the President's powers are. 

9:19PM: Ron says people have been coming together for decades to increase spending, now they just have to come together to cut spending.  Ron failed to point out that he probably couldn't get 20 votes in the Senate for how he wants to cut spending (by cutting military spending, among other things).

9:20PM: Bachmann interjects perfectly in this discussion of Congressional gridlock by pointing out that she would never ever raise taxes, ever....ever...no matter what.  I'm starting to think some of this gridlock isn't actually the President's fault.

9:26PM: You can tell this is the one time every four years Iowa gets to be on TV.  They seem pretty excited.

9:27PM: Mitt appears to be claiming that, if you discount all the companies where he cut jobs, he actually added tens of thousands of jobs to companies.  That's true, just like if you skip over all the dumbass things Mitt says, he actually becomes a pretty smart guy.

9:29PM: Newt just accidentally uttered the phrase "more regulations".  I predict he'll regret that.  Republicans do not like regulations.  They don't exactly know what regulations are, but they don't like them.

9:30PM: Ron points out that Newt's job at Freddie Mac wasn't quite as "private sector" as Newt says it is. 

9:32PM: Bachmann just made what I'm going to have to, reluctantly, call a good point.  Newt's assertion is basically that, while he was working for Freddie Mac, he never once used any influence or connection he had with politicians to help Freddie Mac.  Bachmann is basically saying that sounds a lot like bullshit, and she's right.  Then Bachmann accused Newt of influence peddling and hiding behind the technical definition of lobbying.  Right again!  I keep telling you she's smarter than she lets on.

9:35PM: Newt says he only worked for people he already agreed with.  We all know that being a whore is OK as long as you promise to only take money for having sex with people you'd probably have sex with anyway.

9:36PM: When asked by Cavuto if Newt would blame Governor Romney for calling him inconsistent, Newt said he's "not in the business of blaming Governor Romney".  That's right, he's in the business of blaming the media.  Get your facts straight, Cavuto!

9:39PM: Ron says he never voted for an earmark, but he'll take them for his district.  His point being, earmarks come from taxpayer money, so taking them is just taking people's money back for them.  Hmmm...my bullshit spidey sense is tingling.  I'm gonna give Ron the benefit of the doubt, but he'd better watch himself.

9:42PM: Perry goes back like 3 questions to the whole thing about Newt being a whore.  I'm pretty sure everyone watching gets it, Newt's a whore.  Then Perry, once again, suggested his plan to make Congress part time.

9:43PM: Cavuto just made my point, which is Congress only worked 151 days last year, so how many less days does Perry want them to work?  His answer?  140 days every other year.  I assume Perry's belief that you can govern the whole country working 70 days a year is based on Perry's belief that you don't have to know things to govern. 

9:44PM: Huntsman's talking, I had forgotten about him.

9:45PM: Speaking of guys I had forgotten about, it's Rick Santorum.  Santorum still believes that he can tax cut and deregulate our way back to the 50's.

9:46PM: Baier asked Romney what sector will see the most job growth over the next ten years.  Romney says "the free market will determine that".  Translation: Mitt has no idea, and he doesn't really give a shit, he's rich.

9:48PM: Three minutes of idiotic Newt rambling about judges and the courts, followed by a minute or so of idiotic Bachmann agreement.  This is hard to summarize.  Basically, Newt wants judges to do what Newt wants them to do, and if they don't, Newt wants the power to get rid of them.  Either the individual judges, or maybe just the whole court.  If you watched this whole argument live, it probably sounded really high minded and important, but it was actually just about conservatives' desire to stop courts from protecting peoples' rights so they can outlaw gay marriage.

9:53PM: Ron appears to be the only one who's a little concerned about the whole separation of powers thing.  It's almost like Ron's saying Republicans shouldn't be able to just fire any judge they don't like.  Weird, right?

9:55PM: Santorum pointed out that while the rest of these people are just talking hypothetically about destroying separation of powers to push their theocratic ideals, Rick's actually done it.

10:02PM: Baier is basically begging Ron Paul to say he'd invade Iran.  Ron won't budge, warning again that we're hearing the war propaganda that will turn Iran into another Iraq (which he later called a "useless war").  Can we seriously just elect Ron President of foreign policy and then elect a second guy to run the domestic policy?

10:05PM: Baier keeps saying Ron is left of President Obama on Iran.  Isn't it sad that anyone who isn't eager to bomb other countries is automatically considered a lefty now?  Isn't it sad that Republicans aren't even allowed to think critically about foreign policy anymore without being called liberal?

10:07PM: Santorum calls Iran a "radical theocracy."  He added, "which, of course, would be fine with me if they would just pray to the right god".  OK, he didn't really add that, but clearly Rick has no sense of irony.

10:11PM: I just want to know when Republicans would leave Iraq.  20 years from now?  50?  When?

10:11PM: Bachmann just called Ron's answer on Iran dangerous.  Boooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

10:12PM: Instead of taking the bait, Ron went on to explain that nobody hates us for our freedom, they mostly hate us for bombing them.  That makes more sense.  I mean, if one guy was punching me in the face, and another guy was just sort of standing there being free, I'd probably hate the punching guy.

10:14PM: Seriously Michele, don't mess with Ron.  Ron's basically lecturing her now, hitting hardest by saying that we can't solve our problems with more wars.  Bachmann, defeated, falls back on saying that she's "siding with the American people".  Ron 1, Bachmann 0.

10:16PM: At least Bachmann and Paul were trying to have a substantive debate, Newt's rambling now about the U.N. and how it sucks when they don't do what Newt thinks they should do.  In general, I think it's fair to say that Newt would rather not have to deal with other people.

10:18PM: Would Rick Perry use military intervention in Syria? Hell yeah!  You can't name a country that's not Israel that Rick Perry wouldn't invade.  Go ahead, I dare you to try.

10:20PM: Newt says he's concerned about not appearing zany.  OK Newt, you got me, that was clever.

10:21PM: We're talking about the keystone pipeline now.  To be honest, I don't know enough about this to comment that much, but just to recap, here's the score in the Republican party: Environment 0, Economy Infinity.

10:23PM: Cavuto asked Huntsman if there would be any circumstance in which he would put the environment ahead of creating jobs.  Huntsman didn't really answer, instead he wandered into an answer about alternative energy sources.  The answer Cavuto was looking for?  No.

10:25PM: Bachmann thinks the President was wrong to put a moratorium on oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico just because of that one little time when BP filled the Gulf of Mexico with oil.  I mean, come on man, that's why pencils have erasers.

10:27PM: Perry's "I'm listening intently" face looks a lot like his "oh my god I don't understand any of the words Neil Cavuto just said" face.

10:33PM: Kelly just referred to the current Attorney General as "General Holder".  I'm pretty sure that's not right.  I don't think the Attorney General gets to be called a General.

10:34PM: Rare case when everyone gets to be right.  We're talking about operation fast and furious.  AG Holder says Republicans are shamelessly politicizing this issue.  He's right.  Republicans say he should resign because the operation was such an ill-conceived debacle.  They're right too.

10:36PM: Mitt just proposed a national ID card for legal immigrants.  I could have sworn I once heard these guys all going on and on about small government.

10:39PM: Huntsman says Latinos won't care about Republican immigration policy as long as the Republican nominee talks about limited government and is "pro-growth".  I'm not so sure he's right about that.

10:40PM: Wallace asked Mitt about being open minded vs. just changing his views when it was politically convenient.  Why can't it just be both?  Mitt is very open minded to doing things that advance his political career. 

10:42PM: Mitt claims to be "pro-gun".  Why is this a good thing?  What would possess a sane person to claim to be "pro-gun"?

10:43PM: OK, let's just get this on the record.  You can't claim to be for equality for homosexuals if you also say they shouldn't be allowed to get married.  I don't think Mitt and Santorum understand what "equality" and "not discriminating" mean.

10:45PM: Mitt probably should have stayed away from this fight with Santorum over gay marriage.  Santorum is literally willing to travel the country fighting the gays.  Mitt can't top that.

10:47PM: Newt makes funny faces whenever the other candidates mention him, as if he's thinking "how dare these people say true things about me?  I never say true things about anyone, the least they could do is show me the same courtesy".

10:49PM: Bachmann - "I'm a serious candidate and my facts are accurate."  Someone's getting a little cranky.

10:50PM: Some guy in the audience just interrupted Baier while he was asking a question.  I think the audience guy was telling him to ask about monetary policy.  Listen, audience guy!  Bret doesn't have time for serious policy questions, he has to ask these people about Ronald Reagan.

10:53PM: I refuse to lend credence to Baier's stupid Reagan question by commenting on it.

I guess that was the last question.  Oh well.  This debate was worse than usual.  That's really all I have to say about that.  I'm concerned that we're almost at voting time and Republicans still haven't figured out that Newt is a dangerous idiot.  If you know a Republican, please mention this to them, before it's too late.

Republican Jobs Plan

I think I finally figured it out.  Our economic recovery will ride the wave created by our thriving Republican Primary Debate Industry, which must be employing thousands of Americans by now.

Seriously, I have a question.  I doubt our intrepid ABC moderators (George Stephanopoulus and Diane Sawyer) will ask the candidates this question tonight, which is really too bad.  If tax cuts equal more jobs, and if tax rates now are among the lowest rates in the last century (which they are), then where are all the jobs?  It's a simple question.

We're only 24 days from the Iowa caucuses, that should mean it's time to start pandering pretty hard.  Hey Rick Perry!  Isn't corn delicious!?!? 

9:03PM: No Huntsman tonight.  I think you're only allowed to have one mormon in Iowa at a time.  It would be cool if Huntsman's music hit halfway through and he ran in and hit Newt with a folding chair.  Probably not going to happen though.

9:05PM: Newt sets a new record for quickest mention of Saint Reagan, I think it was the 8th word in his first sentence.  Then he proposes 0% taxes for capital gains, because obviously people who do nothing for money should pay less taxes than people who work for it.  Everyone knows that.

9:07PM: Something to keep an eye on tonight.  With Huntsman gone, it's open season on total nonsense when it comes to China. 

9:08PM: Sawyer keeps asking them to give her a number of how many jobs they're going to create.  They aren't answering, but to be fair, that's kind of a dumb question.  Why hasn't Newt pointed that out?  Is he asleep?

9:10PM: Bachmann, once again, makes it clear that everyone will pay something in taxes when she's the President, including people with nothing.  She says, currently, 47% of people are paying no taxes.  So, just to recap, Michele Bachmann is proposing a tax increase for 47% of Americans.

9:12PM:  Are you sure Rick Santorum didn't used to be bald?  I still have this very strong memory of a very balding Rick Santorum.  Am I thinking of someone else?

9:14PM: Bachmann is against extending the payroll tax cut.  I thought we were against raising taxes.  It's literally the only thing these people stand for.  I'm so confused.

9:16PM: Romney nails his new strategy of taking both sides of an issue at the same time by saying that he doesn't want to raise taxes on anyone and then derisively calling the payroll tax cut a temporary band-aid.  So, it's a terrible idea, but let's keep doing it.

9:17PM: Santorum uses the Romney strategy by talking for 30 seconds about why the payroll cut tax is bad but finishing by saying that he's all for tax cuts.

9:19PM: Ron Paul suggests extending the payroll tax cut, but paying for it by not spending quite so much on blowing things up overseas.  Newt gave him a dirty look the whole time he was talking.  They haven't mentioned yet that Newt's a genius.  Hasn't ABC heard that Newt's a genius?  Why aren't they telling me that?

9:21PM: Mitt says Newt is in favor of mining minerals from the moon.  Wait, what?  I swear I didn't make that up.  Mitt said it.  I hope they let Newt respond.  I need to hear more about this.

9:22PM: Newt says the only reason Mitt isn't a career politician is he lost a Senate race in 1994. See?  Newt is capable of saying true things sometimes. He actually seemed to get more boos than cheers from the audience on that one.  I was surprised, I think Newt was too.  Then he addressed the moon thing, apparently he really is for mining the moon. 

So, in another excellent demonstration of everything that's wrong with the Republican party right now, the Republican front-runner is in favor of reinvigorating our space program.  Not in the name of science or exploration, but because he thinks we can find gold on the moon.

9:23PM: Newt re-proposes his fantastic plan to let poor kids be janitors at their schools and gets a huge ovation from the crowd. 

9:26PM: Ron Paul slams Newt on being a spokesperson for Freddie Mac and taking the taxpayers' money from Freddie Mac.  Newt responds by pointing out that he was a paid consultant in the private sector and than having a good laugh.  See, it's funny because he's a whore.

9:29PM: Bachmann just used the term "Newt Romney" six times, pointing out that they're actually more similar than they seem to be, and setting herself up as the real alternative.  I've said this before, I think she's smarter than she lets on.

9:30PM: Newt mentioned that he's written 24 books.  He neglected to mention that 13 of them were coloring books and another six were about how delicious he thinks ham is.

9:33PM: On health care, Mitt says his Massachusetts plan only addresses the 8% of people who didn't have health care.  That's literally the exact same argument Barack Obama made about the national health care reform bill he was trying to pass.  Mitt's not even using different words.

9:35PM: When Mitt's President, he promises that he'll return to the American people their right to not have access to health care.

9:36PM: Newt points out that he only supported the individual mandate in 1993 as a rhetorical trick to fight Hillary Clinton.  It's not often you get a politician to admit that he honestly doesn't give a crap about what's right or what's the truth, he just wants to say whatever he has to so he can win the argument and destroy his opponent.  Would have been nice to get some follow-up from the moderators on that one.

9:39PM: I think Santorum just called Bachmann a loser.  That was a very frothy tactic from Rick.

9:48PM: Perry says making a vow to god is "even stronger than a handshake in Texas".  Umm, OK.  His point, Newt's been married three times, so you can't trust him.  I can think of many better reasons why you can't trust Newt. 

9:50PM: Santorum follows up by also suggesting you can't really trust Newt.  Even Ron Paul is kind of saying Newt's three marriages call his character into question, making an analogy to the oath of office.

9:52PM: This is getting weird, they seem to all be talking about Newt and his rampant infidelity, but they're not asking Newt about it.  They know he's there, right?

9:53PM: Romney turned the character question into a jobs and economy answer because, as you know, Mitt doesn't actually have any character.

9:54PM: Marcus Bachmann just got some camera time...he looks FABULOUS!

9:55PM: Newt's counterargument (given while his current wife was on camera) appears to be "sure, I've abandoned a couple of wives, but I still talk to my grandkids".

9:56PM: Sawyer says we're going to stipulate, before we start talking about immigration, that everyone here wants to secure the borders.  Nice attempt to by her to avoid some talking points, I'm not 100% convinced it'll work.

9:57PM: Newt, once again, suggests that we probably don't want to deport immigrants who belong to churches.  Everyone else needs to go though.

9:59PM: Sawyer seems surprised and confused by the fact that Romney has made conflicting statements in the past about immigration.  Has she met Mitt?  Or heard of him?  Mitt also became the first candidate to ignore Sawyer's starting stipulation and talk about securing the boarders anyway.  Mitt is a talking points machine, possibly literally.

10:01PM: Perry sprinted away from Sawyer's question about what we should do with undocumented immigrants who are currently serving in the military.  He couldn't have been less interested in answering that question.  At no point in the minute of rambling that followed did he even approach an answer.

10:03PM: Apparently Newt recently called Palestinians an "invented people".  Man can that guy pander.  Luckily Ron Paul's here to set him straight, even heading Newt's bullshit explanation off at the pass by saying that Newt's statement may be technically correct because Palestinians didn't have a state under the Ottoman Empire, but then again, neither did Israel.

10:04PM: Having been stripped of his bullshit by my man Ron, Newt fell back on the argument that all Palestinians are inherently terrorists.  Seriously, Newt is a dangerous guy, he should not be allowed to be President.  I can't stress that enough.

10:06PM: In true Romney fashion, he says that he agrees with everything Newt said, except for the actual thing we're talking about.

10:07PM: Newt just referred to himself as a historian.  It's hard to type when I'm laughing so hard.  I need a minute.

10:08PM: I think Newt just winked at someone, that was weird.

10:09PM: Mitt and Newt appear to be arguing over which one of them is best friends with the Israeli Prime Minister.

10:09PM: George Triplewordscore just asked Bachmann to tell us who's right, Mitt or Newt.  It's like the most boring installment of the twilight series ever.  Seriously though, that's kind of an insulting question.  Instead of asking Bachmann what she thinks, he just asked her which one of those two guys is right.  Santorum just got the same question from Sawyer.  Why not just ask everyone else to leave so the real candidates can talk?

10:11PM: I never thought I'd type this sentence, but Santorum just kind of danced around a good point, possibly by mistake.  He was basically saying, when we're talking about Israel and Palestine during these debates, maybe we should watch what we say and not make things worse for Israel, instead of just saying whatever the fuck we want to try and pander for some extra votes.  Even Santorum is smarter than Newt.  Santorum!

10:12PM: Perry blames the media for this whole Newt/Palestine thing, right on time.  I need to hire some media to follow me around so I can blame them for anything stupid I say. 

10:20PM: An audience question asks the candidates when was the last time they had to not just give up a luxury, but cut back on a necessity because of financial strain.  This should be good.

10:21PM: Perry's answer seemed to be 1978, let's see if anyone can beat that.  Also, Perry just referred to himself as a grown man.  That was almost as funny as when Newt called himself a historian.

10:22PM: The best Romney could do was tell us about how his dad was poor when he (his dad) was a kid.  Perry's still in the lead.  Romney also mentioned that he was a pastor in his mormon church.  I didn't know that.  I think that means he knows magic.

10:23PM: Ron says his family was so poor he didn't even know it.  Then Ron says "when a country destroys it's currency, it transfers wealth from the middle class to the wealthy".  You could seriously talk me into President Paul.  Unfortunately, you can't talk more than 5% of Republicans into it.

10:25PM: Santorum took this question about poverty as an opportunity to remind everyone that the real problem in America is gay marriage.  Classic Santorum, what a douche.

10:26PM: By the time we got to Bachmann, we somehow moved from talking about being poor to talking about the Wall St. bailout.  Anyway, I think Perry's still the winner on who was poor last.  How many points does that win him?

10:28PM: I thought this was interesting.  One of the common themes in all of the answers we got on that poverty question was that being poor in America didn't always suck quite as much as it does now.  I think the important point here is, none of these people were still poor back when Reagan (and Newt, by the way) started the Republican war on the poor and the middle class.

10:32PM: Ron says government shouldn't be in the business of protecting people from themselves.  He got a lot of happy nods from the other candidates while he was saying that, even though Ron is the only one, possibly in the whole Congress, who actually legislates like he believes it.

10:34PM: Perry says people are sick of Washington D.C.  Personally, I'm sick of Rick Perry, but maybe that's just me.

10:40PM: Twice now I've seen this insanely misleading add attacking Massachusetts Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren, who I can't wait to vote for.  I won't get into a whole thing about it, but suffice to say that Karl Rove may in fact be the worst human being currently alive and not already in prison.

Ohh!  Closing statements!  I think Little George asked them something about things that they find interesting.  I kinda missed it.  Whatever, they're just gonna talk about whatever they want to talk about anyway.

Santorum: Remember back when I won elections?  Ya know, before I got my ass handed to me in 2004.  Rick would be the perfect Republican candidate in 2002.  Is it 2002?

Perry: Perry gave Ron Paul credit for getting him interested in the Federal Reserve.  Also, Iowa's village idiot, Congressman Steve King, is in the audience.

Romney: Mitt's noticed all the Ron Paul signs outside.  I think he wishes there were some Mitt Romney signs.  Someone should tell him that all those people he sees who are standing around outside looking kind of sad and resigned to their fates are probably Romney voters.

Newt: Apparently Newt's two favorite people on the stage are Perry and Santorum.  Imagine those three people running a country together.  Yikes.

Ron: Ron talked about freedom.  Ron likes freedom.

Bachmann: Bachmann talked about Herman Cain.  I can't tell if she was seriously praising him or making fun of him.

Well, there you have it, yet another debate.  Too bad Huntsman wasn't around tonight, I really missed barely noticing him.

The Huckleberry Forum

First of all, goodbye Herman Cain.  I thought he'd be around a little longer, at least until he finished 5th in Iowa, but alas, Herman has 99 problems, and bitches are all of them.  My favorite part of his announcement was when he said "I'm not going to be silenced".  Nobody is trying to silence you, you crazy paranoid moron! 

On a related and sadder note, I don't think I can write about the debates anymore.  Where will the funny come from without Cain?  I mean other than Newt, and Santorum, and Perry, and Bachmann.  On second thought, I think we're still OK.

One of the silliest things you can find on your TV is Fox's weekly Huckleberry show.  Every Saturday at 8PM, former Governor, former Presidential candidate and current Fox employee Mike Huckabee hosts an hour long combo of the Hannity show, Dr. Phil, televangelism and SNL.  It's hard to nail down exactly what he does each week, but you can usually find some politics, some people that found jesus at some point and a musical act, which sometimes features Mr. Huckleberry himself on the base guitar. 

Personally, I can't understand why Mike didn't do better when he ran for President.  He's super likable, even if you don't like his politics.  And even though he's also super jesus-y, which is usually a deal breaker for me, even I find him pretty tolerable.  He just kind of seems like a genuinely decent dude. 

My best theory is, he's an actual jesus person.  He's not like the rest of these Republican candidates, who are all for jesus as long as they can ignore all that hippie shit in the new testament.  I think this makes Republicans nervous that Huckleberry may not loathe the poor enough to be their standard bearer.  They're probably right.

Anyway, this week's Huckleberry show is a special edition.  Mike has hired three idiots to help him ask questions of six of the seven remaining Republican candidates (no Huntsman.  Having worked for Comrade Obama, I'm pretty sure he's not allowed in the Fox studios).  Instead of being there all at the same time, it looks like they're talking to the candidates one at a time.  This is close enough to being a debate to catch my attention, although I'm not 100% sure this will turn out readable.  Let's find out.

Huck just introduced the three idiots asking the questions.  They're three Republican Attorneys General.  Oh fun!  That's gonna make it pretty hard for Newt to complain about unfair liberal media questions.  It's also gonna make it unlikely that I'll hear anything that even resembles a good question.  Also, each of the three idiots took a minute before we started to bad-mouth the current President.  Fair and balanced baby!

Newt's up first.  I predict he'll say something stupid and then I'll have to spend the next week listening to people talk about how bold and inspired it was.  Sidenote, Newt's looking even more jowlsy than usual tonight.

8:08PM: On the topic of immigration, Newt just said he would rather have his fate decided by a jury than by a Washington bureaucrat.  I've been on a jury.  There were exactly 3 people on my jury that should have had power over anything.  People are idiots.  I'd rather have my fate decided by a roulette wheel than a jury.

8:09PM: Newt says talking about climate change with Nancy Pelosi was the dumbest thing he's ever done.  That's really saying something.  I could think of at least 150 dumber things.  This also gave us a perfect look into Newt's mind, when he later told us that everything he said with Nancy Pelosi was right, but it was dumb because Nancy Pelosi made it dumb just by being there. 

8:15PM: Newt proposed replacing the EPA with an environmental solutions agency which would have to provide "economic rationale" for everything they do.  This is a perfect illustration of why you can't trust the current Republican party with the environment.  Not everything has to be profitable.  Sometimes other things are important too.

8:16PM: Newt proposes eliminating entire Federal courts if they disagree with him, but he's quick to point out that Congress would have to be with him.  See, I thought we had three independent and co-equal branches of government, but apparently it's more of a majority decision thing.

8:17PM: Just to make me angry, Newt asserts that being anti-religion is inherently anti-American.  Thanks for reminding me why I hate you, Newt. 

8:19PM: Newt says there would be no America without George Washington, and has apparently stolen something from Valley Forge to prove his point.

Newt's done.  That was awful.  Next up, Santorum.  He's just like Newt, only worse.

8:24PM: Santorum is rambling about the family again.  This guy, who claims to be a small government conservative, just criticised the government for not doing enough to encourage marriage.  Rick's great because I don't really have to write jokes for him.  He takes care of the funny on his own.

8:27PM: Rick supports a constitutional amendment to ban abortion.  He also mentioned his support for a Federal definition of marriage.  Rick's government is starting to sound awfully big to me.

8:29PM: Idiot #2 is furious that the EPA is forcing Florida to not pollute their water.  She's so right, who needs clean water?  We're trying to make money here idiots!  Rick blames poorly but deliberately worded legislation.  I should say, I'm probably unfairly biased about this, since I do like to drink water sometimes, but I'm starting to think Republicans shouldn't be allowed to have votes on anything having to do with the environment.

8:31PM: Idiot #3 just asked Santorum why he thinks the founders separated Federal and State power.  We'll be back with the rest of our 7th grade social studies quiz in a minute.

8:32PM: Question about the Defense of Marriage Act, right up Rick's alley.  Rick suggests that it's the President's job to mindlessly support stupid laws that were passed before he got elected.  I'm not sure that's right.  Especially since Rick keeps talking about all the stuff that's on the books now that he won't be doing if he gets elected.

8:34PM: Rick finishes by saying that the courts aren't the only arbiters of the Constitution, but there's no time to find out who else gets to do that.  I kind of want to know.  Come on, Huck!

Next up, Rick Perry.  He has one of the squarest heads in the world.

8:38PM: Perry promises to use executive orders to effectively void most of Obamacare.  Rick's answer on how the President would have the authority to do that somehow evolved into talking about creating millions of jobs and moving toward energy independence.  I think Rick just pulled a jedi mind trick on us.  How did we get to energy independence from health care?  I was listening the whole time, and I have no idea.

8:40PM: Rick just accidentally revealed how he really created jobs in Texas, joking about how he stole jobs from Arkansas when Huckleberry was the Governor.  Why hasn't anyone pointed out how that won't work if Rick is in charge of the whole country?

8:42PM: Perry says he's been dealing with the Federal Government's unwillingness to secure the border for "over ten years now".  But somehow it's still Obama's fault.  Was it really ten years ago that I voted for him? It seems much more recent.

8:47PM: Rick appears to define "strict constructionist" as any Supreme Court justice who agrees with him.  Rick's also proposing getting rid of lifetime appointments for justices.  He's offended by the idea that the Supreme Court has the power to enforce the Constitution when Rick doesn't like what's in the Constitution.  He's less offended by the idea of the Supreme Court being able to strike down the health care law. 

8:49PM: I'm reaching my tolerance level for religious talk.  I knew the Huckleberry forum would be like this, but I still can't take much more.

8:50PM: Perry is in favor of both returning authority over abortion to the states and passing a Federal anti-abortion amendment.  How is this not big government?  This annoys me so much.

8:52PM: Perry's advice for Supreme Court justices...read the Constitution, don't read anything into it, or use any clauses.  Everyone knows Republicans hate clauses.

So far, we've only heard from the idiot side of the bracket.  Where are the people with brains?  I'm no great fan of Romney, but at least he knows things and has the ability to speak in full sentences.  Perry just answered a question by pulling a pocket Constitution out, holding it up and grunting.

OK, Bachmann's up next.  I actually think she's smarter than she lets on.  Why play dumb?  Let's just say she knows who her base is.

8:57PM: Bachmann says Obamacare is a stunning show of how far a President can go with power.  I think she missed the part where Congress passed that law, which is weird, because she was there.

8:59PM: Bachmann says illegal aliens currently cost us 113 billion dollars a year.  I have no idea if that's true or not.  She should wear a sign around her neck that somebody can light up whenever she makes up a new fact.  Just so we know when it's happening.  It would make things easier.

9:01PM:  Talking about tort reform, Bachmann hits what's becoming the theme of the night.  Huckleberry's panel of dopes keeps asking about Federal vs. State power, and the candidates keep reminding us that they don't have any problem with Federal power as long as the Federal government is doing things they like.

9:05PM: Idiot #1 just used the word evolution in a question.  He wasn't talking about actual evolution, but he's still lucky Backmann didn't freak out.  (Listening a little closer, he actually was saying the word abolition.  No wonder she was so calm, my bad).

9:07PM: Idiot #3 just pointed out that Bachmann's answer on environmental regulation was stupid nonsense (he may not have put it exactly that way).  Her response?  "Well you're making a very good point". 

9:09PM: Idiot #2 just called Bachmann a practicing lawyer.  I giggled a little.

Yeah!  My man Ron is up next!  Go get 'em Ron!

9:14PM: Ron points out that the Patriot Act wouldn't have passed if they called it what it really was, the repeal of the fourth amendment.  Then he points out that terrorism is a crime, not a war.  Idiot #2 doesn't understand. She asked Ron what he would call the 9/11 attacks.  She seems to think Ron's saying terrorism doesn't exist.  That's not what Ron's saying, idiot #2.

9:18PM: Now they're asking Ron about the environment.  Admittedly, this isn't Ron's strong suit, but he finds a way to make a good point.  The way our government works now, regulations are written by lobbyists who represent the very industries they're meant to regulate, and that's true of environmental regulations as well as banking regulations, drug regulations, etc. 

He's not wrong.  It's just that, some people would say the answer is to make our government not work like that anymore.  In contrast, Ron's answer is more along the lines of just not trying anymore and trusting the market to regulate itself.  This is where Ron and I differ.  Ron is bound by his strongly held convictions to trust that a truly free market and people would produce positive results because negative actions would ultimately be punished by the market.  Being unencumbered by such ideals, I'm less convinced. 

9:24PM:  Ron points out that he wouldn't just end Federal programs he thinks shouldn't exist, he'd phase them out.  Something tells me phasing out social security would take longer than Ron thinks it would, but kudos to him for not making one of those stupid "I'm gonna do it on my first day" promises.

9:25PM: Idiot #1 just asked a question so stupid, I refuse to comment on it.

9:27PM: If every American could read just one book, Ron says they should read a book called "The Law" by Frederic Bastiat.  That sounds about right.  I'm just happy he didn't say the bible.

Mitt's up next.  Rumor has it Huckleberry hates Mitt, but sadly Huck isn't asking the questions.  So, unless Huck starts booing while Mitt's talking or throwing things at him, we won't find out tonight if the rumors are true.

9:31PM: Mitt starts out by thanking the panel of idiots for this very interesting show.  He literally can't turn the pandering off.

9:32PM: Mitt tells us that his friends in business think the EPA was much better under George W. Bush.  Isn't that shocking?  I'm shocked.  Then he says "we need a Federal government that sees it's job as helping the private sector grow".  That pretty much sums it up. 

9:33PM: Mitt on energy..."we all like the renewables, but renewables alone won't power this economy".  Who said anything about powering the economy?  Apparently Mitt's economy is gas powered.  Seriously though, why do these people think every energy and environment question is actually an economy question?  Are they having trouble hearing?

9:37PM: Mitt is continuing with his bold strategy of avoiding flip-flops by taking both sides of arguments at the same time, answering a very direct "would you support school lunch programs, pell grants and GI Bills?" question with "in some cases yes, in some cases no".  Well done.

9:39PM: Mitt wants Supreme Court Justices who are brilliant, but won't use their own judgment in any way. 

9:40PM: Mitt's talking about his immigration record as Massachusetts Governor.  I live in Massachusetts now, and I can tell you, it's not an easy job here.  The New Hampshire border is seriously porous. 

9:42PM: I think idiot #3 just figured out Mitt's deal, saying that one of Mitt's answers sounded like a maybe.  Everything Mitt says is a maybe.

Each candidate gets a closing statement.  I'll try to summarize:

Robo-Mitt - Mitt finished by asking if we're "gonna be a free society with free people...or instead a nation governed by the government?"  Unless Mitt's proposing abolishing the government, I'm pretty sure we're gonna be both.

Perry - Perry, once again, proposed his brilliant idea of a part-time Congress.  This is such a weird idea.  First of all, they're already part-time.  Do you see how many recesses they get?  Secondly, they already don't do anything. 

My Man Ron - Ron brings up nullification.  I'm not a fan of this idea, but it's not really a surprise coming from Ron. 

Newt - Newt says this next election is the most important election since 1860.  Really good point, Barack Obama is clearly just as bad as slavery and half the country seceding.  Of course, it's also important to realize that Newt is Lincoln in that analogy.  Seriously, who would vote for this idiot? 

Bachmann - Michele talked about taking our country back.  I wish she'd tell me who has it.  Maybe we can just talk to them and get it back without all this fuss.

Santorum - Rick says America is basically morally rotting from the inside because marriage is under attack.  Most people will think Rick is saying the gays are destroying America, but maybe he just thinks Wedding Crashers was a very concerning documentary.

What I Want From Republicans

At Thanksgiving, my aunt asked me if I still consider myself politically independent.  Seeing as how I've dedicated most of this blog space over the last three months to mocking Republican Presidential candidates and calling them stupid, it was a pretty fair question.

On the drive home, I thought about it a little and tried to be honest with myself.  Could I really ever see myself voting for a Republican?  I certainly won't vote for Scott Brown in Massachusetts next year.  He's running against Elizabeth Warren, who, if elected, would immediately become the best Senator in the Senate. 

But would I vote for any Republican, under any circumstances?  Yes, yes I would.  Here's what I'm looking for in future Republicans.  One quick but important note.  My support for these hypothetical future Republicans assumes that future Democrats will remain mostly cowardly, disorganized and incompetent. 

First of all, shut up about jesus.  Listen, I'm not so delusional that I think I'll actually get to vote for a Presidential candidate in my lifetime who doesn't believe in the magic invisible spacegod.  I can live with that.  But, can I just have someone who doesn't feel the need to end every speech with a laundry list of things he'd like his invisible friend to bless?  Someone who doesn't think it's more important to pray for homosexuals than it is to just let them have equal rights? Someone whose brain is capable of accepting scientific realities, even when they conflict with our culture's mythology? 

Even my man Ron Paul rambles on about god from time to time.  It breaks my heart.  I'm not saying I expect Presidential candidates to give up their faith when they run.  I just want someone who talks about reality at work and saves the mythology for home.  Is that really too much to ask?

Next, I'd like a candidate who offers economic policies that aren't just tax cuts.  Perpetually lower taxes isn't a viable policy position.  Rick Santorum, king of the idiots, has been proposing a 0% tax rate for manufacturing.  Zero!  As if we can tax cut our way back to 1953.  If Congress cut all tax rates to 1% today, Republicans would spend the next election telling us how those tax-and-spendocrats in Washington think they're entitled to a whole percent of your money.  I'm not wrong about this.

The Republican response to the wall street occupiers has really tipped their hand on the economy.  Instead of the rational response ("These people obviously have a point about wealth disparity, corruption and the incredibly blurry line between the financial sector and our government...but what do bongo drums have to do with any of that"), Republicans totally flipped out ("Get a job! And take a shower!"). 

This knee-jerk animosity toward anyone who threatens to give the game away tells you all you need to know about Republican economic policy.  Is a candidate who thinks the economy works best when it works for everyone too much to ask for?  Really?

Also, grow up a little on foreign policy.  The Republican party (other than Ron Paul, of course) still lives in this fantasy world where America is the only country that matters and everyone just needs to do what we say.  It isn't like that anymore.  I'm not saying I want a candidate who doesn't want us to lead sometimes, but can I get a candidate who doesn't think calling something "European" is an insult?  How hard is that?

I'm not asking for much, just someone who doesn't criticize the current President for not being an arrogant dick whenever he goes abroad.  And maybe even someone who isn't super eager to wade into every internal conflict in some other country by sending our troops there for an indefinite period of time, because once they get there, they can't ever leave or we're letting the terrorists win. 

If I could get even two out of these three things from a Republican candidate, I would seriously considering voting for him or her.  I don't like having to go vote for Democrats.  It's no fun.  Democrats aren't really any different from Republicans.  Here's a good example.

Republicans have become deficit hawks.  Being a deficit hawk while you're trying to dig your way out of a recession is pretty stupid.  Are the Democrats saying that and arguing for a totally different and better way.  No!  They're deficit hawks too, they're just worse at it.  So they propose awful half measures that are big enough to add to the deficit but not big enough to actually help.  Well done.

You might be tempted to point out that I seem to disagree with almost the entire Republican platform.  And you'd be right, that's the problem.  The Republican platform is made up almost entirely of nonsense.  It shouldn't be, and it doesn't have to be.  And if it wasn't, I'd be willing to vote for some Republicans.  I swear.

The Newt Front-Runner

According to the TV, Newt Gingrich is now the front-runner for the Republican nomination in at least three different polls.  At first, I assumed this was some kind of horrible nightmare from which I cannot awake.  That was the most logical explanation, but it's becoming less and less likely.  This may actually be reality.

The funny thing about this (other than the thought of President Gingrich, which is both hilarious and terrifying) is how it happened.  Everyone knows the media loves the horse race.  Whenever someone new jumps to the top of the polls, every political news outfit freaks out like that person is the next FDR (or in the case of Fox "news", the next Saint Reagan), until the next week when they say something stupid and we all laugh them off the stage.

This time, as far as I could tell, the media went first.  After Herman Cain imploded, over and over again, I started hearing all this nonsense about how Newt was going to rise to the top of the polls.  Next thing you know, there's good ole Newt, right at the top.  Just like the media said!  I watch too much political news to think they actually got a prediction right, so all I can think is Republican primary voters heard these stories about Newt and thought "well, he ain't Mitt Romney, so why not?". 

And really, that's the lesson.  Republicans would try out a half-eaten breakfast as their potential nominee as long as it wasn't Mitt Romney.  This makes me a little more hopeful for the President's re-election changes, since, last time I checked, he isn't Mitt Romney either.

Hey look!  It's another debate!  The TV says this one's about foreign policy.  Ugh.  You may be thinking the same thing I was thinking when I saw this.."why do these people, at least 5 of whom don't know anything about anything, keep having debates about a complicated topic like foreign policy?" 

Well, you only have two choices, foreign policy or domestic policy.  The Republican party in 2011 only has one domestic policy, tax cuts...Tax Cuts!....TAAAAXXXXXXXX CUUUUUTTTTTTTSSSSSS!!!!!!!!  You can't get too many debates out of that.  So, here you go, another foreign policy debate between Huntsman, Paul, Romney and five idiots. 

8:00PM: CNN opens this foreign policy/national security debate with a super scary OH MY GOD YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE IF YOU ELECT THE WRONG PRESIDENT montage.  Terrifying the audience is a great way to get them to make a rational decision.

8:02PM: Running the Olympics once doesn't make Mitt Romney an expert on foreign relations anymore than it makes him a world class downhill skier.

8:03PM: First bit of bad news, it looks like Blitzer will be doing the moderating again.  Last time he had no control, it was a total disaster.  I'm not looking forward to this.

8:04PM: Second bit of bad news, it looks like CNN has attempted to put together the whitest audience in the history of audiences and whiteness.  Considering this debate is taking place in Washington DC, that couldn't have been easy.

8:06PM: They're singing the national anthem before the debate.  Not the first time, probably not the last, but I'll be annoyed by it every time.

8:08PM: Blitzer keeps saying he'll "try" to do stuff.  Don't try Wolf, do!

8:10PM: Am I crazy, or was Rick Santorum balder when he was younger?  I could swear I remember a very balding Rick Santorum.

8:11PM: Blitzer made a joke about Wolf Blitzer being his real name.  Romney tried to capitalize by saying "I'm Mitt Romeny and, yes Wolf, that's my real first name too".  Except it's not.  His real first name is Willard.  What's wrong with him?  I never thought Romney would be the one on this stage who literally couldn't even get his name right. 

8:15PM: Talking about extending the Patriot Act, Gingrich says "all of us will be in danger for the rest of our lives".  Who invited the good news bear?

8:16PM: Ron Paul on the Patriot Act..."don't be willing to sacrifice liberty for security".  As usual, Ron is schooling these idiots.  This time he's kicking Newt's ass on civil liberties.  Newt believes the Patriot Act would have stopped Timothy McVeigh.  Ron's trying to explain that just because something might work doesn't make it Constitutional or legal.  Newt's not really following.

8:19PM: Bachmann just said something about mirandizing terrorists.  Is she still in this race?

8:22PM: Perry on the TSA..."I would privatize it as soon as I could and get rid of those unions."  Great idea!  Why have airport security people be accountable to the duly elected government of the people when they could be accountable to no one?  Also, how did unions get involved in this? 

8:24PM: Santorum is openly suggesting profiling muslims at airports.  Another fantastic idea!  But how will we know who the Muslims are?  We should probably make them get special tattoos or something.  Or we could just throw bacon at everyone who gets on a plane and see who gets really angry about it.  Oh but jewish people don't like bacon either.  This is hard.  Rick, help us, how do we know who the muslims are?

8:25PM: Ron Paul on the war on terrorism..."I don't remember voting on a declaration of war...terror isn't a person, it's a tactic."  Go get 'em Ron!

8:27PM: Cain just called Blitzer "Blitz".  I'll miss him when he's gone.

8:31PM:  Bachmann says we shouldn't stop giving Pakistan money, but only because if we don't, they might stop being our friend and start being China's friend.  I guess Rick Perry doesn't care about friends, because he's not giving Pakistan a dime.  But then they won't come to Michele's sweet sixteen! Damn you Rick!

8:33PM: Bachmann just called Perry's position "highly naive".  Uh oh, I think she's about to find out that you don't mess with Texas.  Rick looks mad.  Hmmm...he went pretty easy on her.  He may have taken a Valium before the debate.  Let's keep on eye on him.

8:35PM: Romney on Afghanistan..."we can't just write off a significant part of the world."  He forgot to add "...that has oil."  Then he said we need to bring Afghanistan into the 20th century.  Yeah, what's up with that country?  Why do they have all that rubble everywhere?  Get some roads, jerks!

8:38PM: Good point by Huntsman.  The President doesn't always have to listen to the Generals on the ground when it comes to war.  The President is the one in charge and he calls the shots.  Mitt says he would call the shots, by doing whatever the Generals tell him to do.

8:40PM: Newt's first complaint about the questions.  A Republican debate tradition like no other.  Then he follows up by complaining about the rules.  Also, his podium is too small and the food in his dressing room was far from adequate.

8:42PM: Santorum says radical islamists are just waiting us out.  So, I guess Santorum would just never withdraw troops from anywhere.  He's not suggesting colonizing Afghanistan, just visiting...forever.

8:48PM: Cain says he'd support Israel if they attacked Iran, as long as they had a good plan.  I'd like to hear what Herman would consider a good plan.  Wolf didn't ask, glad he's here.

8:49PM: Ron Paul on Israel..."if Israel decides to bomb something, that's their business, but they have to suffer the consequences."  Republican foreign policy debates should just be two hours of all the other candidates shutting up and listening to Ron.

8:52PM: Perry says we need to sanction the Iranian central bank to stop Iran from developing nuclear weapons.  I assume "sanction the national bank" is some kind of Rick Perry secret code for "bombing the shit out of the country".

8:53PM: Blitzer points out that sanctioning the Iranian central bank would essentially end Iranian oil exports and, ya know, cripple Europe's economy.  Newt sees this as an opportunity to sell Europe some of our own oil.  Wait, when did we get all this extra oil to sell to Europe?  Is Newt hiding oil somewhere and not telling us?

8:56PM: Ron Paul is openly laughing while Bachmann is talking about Israel.  Me too Ron.

8:57PM: Santorum just called Africa "a country on the brink".  Country...continent...whatever.   Rick points out the important part, which is making sure we force our values on anyone in Africa who wants our help.

8:59PM: Cain on aid to Africa..."it may be worth while to continue, it may not." Yes Herman, those are the two choices.

8:59PM: Ron Paul believes all foreign aid is worthless.  Say what you want about Ron, he doesn't hedge.

9:00PM: Romney implies that the President is cutting 1 trillion dollars from defense and putting it directly into Obamacare.  That's a good talking point.  Patently false, but a good talking point.

9:03PM: Newt says, if we were serious about oil, we would magically produce all the oil we need in the next year.  OK, he didn't use the word magically, but I can only assume magic is part of his plan.

9:07PM: Huntsman just talked for like two and a half minutes.  Are there any rules here?  Does Blitzer have any authority?

9:08PM: Perry just said (he said this in the last debate too) that he's been the Commander in Chief of 20,000 Texas National Guard troops.  I'm surprised he hasn't declared war on Oklahoma yet.

9:10PM: Perry just suggested making Congress part-time.  Yeah, because that's what we need, a Congress that does even less.  I know everyone right now is thinking Congress does way too much.

9:12PM: Santorum is willing to compromise on anything, as long as it's not raising taxes.  I'm pretty sure you can find a version of that statement on the RNC letterhead.

9:13PM: Question about entitlement reform.  How did we get here?  I thought we were talking about national security.  What is Blitzer doing?  I'm getting frustrated.  Somebody should confiscate Wolf's beard.

9:25PM: Rick Perry promises to shut down the Mexican border.  What does that mean?  How do you shut down a border?  It's not a Walmart.

9:26PM: Ron Paul's talking about how "the federal war on drugs is a total failure", and he just said he's for medical marijuana and treating drugs the way we treat alcohol.  I assume he means dealing with the stupid behaviors that come from abusing them, as opposed to just criminalizing the drugs.  I'm all for all of this.  Blitzer, of course, failed to follow-up, and the rest of the candidates ignored it.  Booooo!

9:30PM: Now Santorum is, once again, plugging his brilliant plan for 0% taxes on manufacturing corporations.  I still don't know how we got here from national security, but since it's an important tradition for all of my debate blogs, this is as good a time as any to point out that Rick Santorum is an idiot.

9:32PM: Newt proposes some kind of panel to decide which illegal immigrants get amnesty and which ones don't, including subtly suggesting (twice) that immigrants who belong to a church get to stay.  So...religiously based death panels for immigrants...got it.

9:34PM: Blitzer repeats Newt's idea that belonging to a church would be an important part of getting to stay here as an immigrant.  If only there were some kind of moderator at this debate to find out why the hell that would be a consideration.  Too bad.

9:36PM: We seem to be having a serious disagreement about kicking out most of the illegal immigrants or all of the illegal immigrants.  Perry had to step in as the voice of reason (yeah, seriously), pointing out that we would have to secure the border before a meaningful immigration policy would work.  Unfortunately, it still sounds like Rick wants to secure the border with predator drones.  So, half credit I guess.

9:44PM: Lots of great beards at this debate.  Just saying.

9:46PM: I'm becoming concerned that we might get through this whole debate without hearing about Cain's 999 plan.  What happened to you pizza man?  You used to be fun.

9:47PM: Perry suggests a no-fly zone over Syria as a way to keep Iran from getting a nuclear weapon.  Um...OK.  Either Rick knows more about the middle east than I thought or he thinks Iran and Syria are the same country.  I'd say it's 50/50.

9:49PM: Huntsman says we need to be careful about taking sides in conflicts we don't fully understand (yes!), but then says our only interest in the middle east is Israel (arrgh!). 

9:50PM: Ron Paul suggests we should treat other countries the way we want to be treated.  Mitt quickly counters by making sure everyone understands that America is special and we can do whatever we want and just blow stuff up if other countries don't like it.  Mitt's always a puzzle because you never know if he actually believes anything he's saying. 

9:55PM: I think we're all in agreement that everyone's first trip abroad as President would be to Israel.  Except Ron, who, I assume, would never leave the country.

9:56PM: Perry says China is "not a country of virtues".  Way to grasp the nuance of foreign policy there Rick.

9:57PM: Cain says he was a ballistics analyst early in his career.  Do pizza companies have weapons?  Why didn't I know this?  Are the weapons pepperoni-based?

Once again, no closing statements.  That's always a missed opportunity to hear some stupid nonsense, but I guess we'll have to live without it.  Until next time, just remember, Newt Gingrich is leading the polls, so you probably want to start looking at houses in Canada, just in case.

Not Ready For Prime Time

I'm looking forward to this a little.  Why?  This is the first time these candidates have debated on a network, and I found out this debate is only an hour long.  To me, that says they may try to dumb it down a little, for the broader audience and with less time to talk.  What happens when the likes of Bachmann, Perry and Gingrich try to dumb themselves down?  I don't know, but I think it's certainly possible the vortex of stupidity could open up a portal to another dimension.  Granted, it would be a very stupid dimension, but still, I think, worth seeing.

Why is this one only an hour?  I can only surmise that CBS figured some of these people would be able to muster some dignity by now, or borrow some from a friend, and stop embarrassing themselves...I'm looking at you Rick Santorum.  Actually wait, I shouldn't say that.  Rick Santorum isn't an embarrassment to himself so much as he's an embarrassment to America and the entire human race. 

8:00PM: CBS started the debate with what I have to describe as a montage of the craziest things each candidate has said in all the previous debates.  I think these people deserve to be mocked as much as anyone, but, honestly, that seemed like a low blow.

8:01PM: One of the moderators just said this debate would last 90 minutes, so I've got conflicting reports on length now.  Maybe they'll just do the last 30 minutes off camera since everybody will have tuned out by then anyway.

8:04PM: Confirmation that the first 60 minutes will take place on TV, while the last 30 minutes will happen on the internet.  CBS doesn't have 90 minutes to dedicate to electing the leader of the free world, they have very important NCIS reruns to broadcast.

8:06PM: Herman Cain suggested helping the opposition movement in Iran, but not militarily.  I guess he's planning to send them juice boxes and lunchables and what-not.

8:07PM: Romney calls Iran President Obama's "greatest failure", then promises that if he's elected President, Iran will never have nuclear weapons.  I'm almost willing to vote for him just to see him fail.

8:09PM: Gingrich just proposed taking out certain Iranian capabilities in a way that is "covert and deniable".  I'm not sure he meant to say that out loud, that wasn't very covert.

8:10PM: Ron Paul finally sets us straight by pointing out that war with Iran would be stupid, and that the President can't just go to war on his own.  If I could elect Ron just to run foreign policy, I would sprint to the voting booth to do it.

8:13PM: Santorum suggests neutering the taliban.  I'd like to suggest neutering Rick Santorum. 

8:16PM: Bachmann's main point about Afghanistan - everything good that happens can be attributed to our troops, everything bad that happens is the President's fault.  And really, that's a pretty good summation of the Repubilcan party platform.  Well done, Congresswoman.

8:17PM: Huntsman says it's time to come home from Afghanistan...saying "I don't wanna be nation building in Afghanistan when this nation (America) needs to be built".  See?  I told you he may not be a moron.

8:19PM: I think Newt wants to go to war with Pakistan too.  I guess, in Newt's mind, the sight of him as President will be enough to convince millions more Americans to enlist in the military so we can fight all the wars Newt wants to start.

8:21PM: When asked if Pakistan is a friend or foe, Cain says "we don't know".  Well Herman, I know you don't know, but that doesn't mean we don't know.

8:22PM: Perry got a similar question and totally dodged it, possibly because he doesn't know what Pakistan is.  Then he says the foreign aid budget in his administration would start at "zero dollars" for every country.  I have a feeling Israel's budget would find it's way up from zero pretty quickly.

8:25PM: Bachmann just placed Pakistan in the middle east.  I feel like that's a stretch, but OK.  I would probably accept that from someone I didn't think was an idiot, but I have a feeling Bachmann defines "middle east" as anywhere muslims live. 

8:26PM: Later, Bachmann says it's clear the stage is being set for worldwide nuclear war against Israel.  Don't worry Israel, she's not terribly bright.

8:30PM: I think Santorum just suggested stimulating our economy by selling military hardware to Pakistan, but only after we make friends with them and stuff.

8:34PM: Sounds like Newt said something stupid on the radio yesterday.  When asked about it, his explanation was, "I was on the radio".  It's a well known fact that whatever you say on the radio doesn't count.

8:36PM: Cain's brilliant plan for his administration is to have advisers around him.  That's quite an idea.  He should also consider living in a big white house, and maybe getting some armed guards or something like that.

8:37PM: Santorum very directly promises to only hire people that completely agree with him (proof that he knows he's too stupid to even defend his positions to people who work for him).  Then he says he hopes that the problems he's been hearing about in Iran are actually covert American operations.  Seriously, you guys, shhhhhh!

8:39PM: Question to Perry, what would he do with our nuclear weapons if he eliminated the Department of Energy.  His answer? There are plenty of places in government we could put our nuclear weapons, but he decided not to name any of them.  I guess it's a secret.

8:40PM: Question about Cain's stance on torture.  He says "I do not agree with torture, period...however..." Stop right there!  Nothing comes after period, that's what periods are for.  Cain, of course, went on to reveal that he's actually pro-torture as long as we call it something else.

8:42PM: Bachmann too...everyone loves torture as long as you call it enhanced interrogation.  That's a fun little trick we can thank the Bush administration for.

8:42PM: Ron's turn, go get 'em Ron!

8:43PM: Ron points out that waterboarding is definitely torture, as well as being "immoral" "uncivilized" "illegal" and ineffective.  I think I missed a few too.  As always, Ron's the best.

8:44PM: Huntsman is against torture too.  That won't do him a lot of good after the debate when Perry and Bachmann are waterboarding him just for shits and giggles.

8:46PM: Romney uses one of my least favorite talking points, calling America "exceptional".  This annoys me so much.  We're so happy with ourselves.  I'll vote for anyone who will be honest for five seconds and tell us that we're not really that special.  Why is this important?  Because the people who believe we're somehow entitled to being the greatest country in the world for ever and ever because their imaginary friend said so are the same people who don't see a problem with the destruction of our middle class, and that's not a coincidence.

8:48PM: Perry says the Communist Chinese government will wind up on the ash heap of history.  China may be older than Rick Perry believes the earth is, but I'm sure he's got a fool-proof plan for getting rid of them.

8:51PM: Romney's back to his brilliant idea of having a trade war with China, saying that we're already in a war and they're stealing our jobs.  I love this phrasing, as if China is sneaking over here in the middle of the night with a ski mask on and putting jobs in a big sack and taking them home.  When actually, what's happening is our lovely corporations, whose taxes Mitt and everyone else on stage can't wait to cut, again, are voluntarily moving jobs to China where labor is cheaper and regulation is softer or non-existent.  I'm not sure stealing is the most exact description, but it certainly sounds the most scary.

8:52PM: Huntsman, the guy who worked in China, is happy to point out that Mitt is just flat wrong, and then he used a weird word I hadn't heard yet in these debates...diplomacy?  Is that how you spell it?  Most of the other candidates looked as puzzled as I am.  Is that some kind of fancy way of saying war?

8:56PM: Ohhhh, a twitter question! Fun! The question was, would Israel's foreign aid budget also start at zero.  Perry says yes, but then says not really, because Israel is "a special ally".  I don't have anything against Israel, it just annoys me that idiots can get votes from other idiots by pretending to give a crap about Israel.

8:59PM: TV time is over now, let's see if I can find the rest online. 

9:00PM: Hey! It's working!

9:01PM: First internet question - should we increase military spending?

9:02PM: Bachmann takes the long way to saying that she's all for cutting military spending, as long as by cutting military spending you mean repealing Obamacare.

OK, screw this.  I don't know what CBS is up to, but their debate feed was cutting out on every third word, making these candidates even more incoherent than usual.  I tried, but I'll have to settle for two-thirds of tonight's debate and I'll just have to guess at what happened in the last half hour.  One guess for each candidate:

Perry: Let's say he finally fell asleep this time.
Romney: Said something arrogant while smirking.
Paul: Suggested putting an end to something government is currently doing.
Bachmann: Said the word Obamacare 13 more times.
Cain: 999 999 999 999 999 999 999 999
Huntsman: Said something reasonable and got booed for it.
Santorum: Lit his podium on fire after someone told him a "gay" had touched it earlier.
Newtster: Bitched about the questions (which he's apparently required by law to do at least once per debate).

Insert Generic Herman Cain Joke Here

So much has happened since we last heard from our Republican friends.  Rick Perry showed up in New Hampshire, seemingly drunk or stoned or something.  Herman Cain made the difficult journey from amusing fake candidate to creepy old guy.  Now he's like Bill Clinton without the intelligence, or ideas, or accomplishments, or likability.  Cain and Newt apparently had their own little pretend time debate that nobody saw or cared about. 

Most importantly, I went a whole week without power or heat or hot water.  And, to be honest, that's left me in a bit of a foul mood, and I can't wait to make fun of some stupid people.  Let's get to it.

Tonight's debate is being hosted by CNBC.  Looks like Jim Cramer will be asking some questions, I'm looking forward to this.

8:00PM: Everything Herman Cain says sounds dirty now.  I'll miss you, pizza man.

8:03PM: I always think it's funny that all the other candidates get introduced by their current or former titles (Governor Huntsman, Congresswoman Bachmann, etc), but when they get to Cain, it's just Mr. Cain. 

8:05PM: Cain just declared Italy "beyond the point of return".  Somebody should tell the Italians he has no idea what he's talking about before they panic.

8:07PM: Romney doesn't think the US should be setting up a "TARP-like" program to bail out Italian banks.  Is somebody suggesting that?  What is Mitt talking about?

8:08PM: Cramer starts his first question by yelling loudly at the candidates and asking Ron Paul if he would really just let Italy fail.  Ron would let pretty much anything fail, as he just made clear.  I think he just suggested liquidating Italy...I may have missed some words there.

8:10PM: This is fun, Cramer will not take no for an answer on Italy.  He's basically telling them what the right answer is, but they still won't say it.  Other than my man Ron, they won't even address it.

8:12PM: I could swear I just heard Romney use the phrase "gay market share".  That can't be right, I need to focus.

8:13PM: I don't know who these people running the debate are, so we'll just call them Question Dude and Question Lady. 

8:13PM: Question Dude just asked Romney why Republicans should believe he has any actual principles.  He responded with a barrage of talking points and a promise to never apologize for the United States of America.  So there.

8:16PM: Question Lady just asked Newt why tax reform is the path to job creation?  Are you kidding me?  That's like asking these people to explain how gay people are destroying the family.  They can't explain it, it's just an article of faith:
Step 1: Tax Cuts
Step 2: Magical Things Happen
Step 3: Jobs

8:19PM: Bachmann just squeezed all of her talking points into one answer.  It had everything...tax cuts, repealing Obamacare, magic Mexico border fence.  She should have finished by dropping her mic and walking off the stage.

8:20PM: Santorum continues to defend his proposed 0% tax on manufacturing corporations.  Then he said "some people talk about trade wars with China", as if he disagrees with that.  Like two debates ago, Santorum said he doesn't want to have a trade war with China, he wants to win a trade war with China.  As always, Rick Santorum sucks.

8:22PM: Cain's defense for his sexual harassment charges?  For every woman that says he harassed her, he could produce 1,000 women who would say he didn't.  That's pretty air tight..."well, your honor, maybe this one guy says I murdered him, but I could show you a whole courtroom full of people who would say I haven't murdered them...yet."

8:25PM: Huntsman just opposed the auto bailout in Michigan.  That's balls right there.  Stupid balls, but still.

8:26PM: Important point about how Republicans see the economy.  Cramer asked Romney if corporations should focus on job creation or on creating profit for shareholders.  Romney said they go hand in hand, so did Perry...no they don't!  You can keep the money and give it to your shareholders, or you can use it to create more jobs.  Yes, more profitable corporations have more money to re-invest in jobs, but that's only helpful if they actually do that at some point.

8:27PM: Perry suggests planting "a big ole flag in the middle of America that says 'Open for Business Again'".  Well, that should do it.

8:28PM: Newt thinks it's sad that the media doesn't accurately report how the economy works in his imagination. 

8:29PM: Cramer seems genuinely amused by these morons.

8:32PM: Cain is still pushing his hilarious 999 plan.  Question Lady asked him how he would guarantee the rates would stay at 9%.  In Herman's mind, people love his 999 plan so much, that they'll never let politicians mess with it.

8:34PM: Romney - "The Obama economy has really crushed middle income Americans".  I don't want to get too technical here, but, in the business, we call that bullshit.

8:35PM: Michele Bachmann's tax plan? "I have everyone paying something".  I'd go for paying "something" as a tax rate.  Where do I sign up?

8:37PM: Ron Paul is suggesting the market should determine interest rates, not the Fed chairman.  He's not suggesting lower or higher rates, just rates determined by the market.  Question Lady is not getting it.  Ron seems frustrated.

8:46PM: Perry makes the blanket Republican point that regulations are killing America.  He suggests doing away with every regulation that isn't creating jobs.  Right, because that's the only thing in the whole world that matters.  Child labor laws don't create jobs.  In fact, they destroy jobs, millions of tiny little adorable jobs.  I wonder how Rick feels about them.

8:49PM: Newt says he warned Freddie Mac not to give out bad loans to people who couldn't pay them back.  I can't believe they didn't listen to him, just look how big his head is.

8:51PM: Cain says he would solve the problem with Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac by not starting them in the first place.  Does Herman Cain have a time machine?  Why hasn't he mentioned this before?  Why doesn't he go back and tell himself not to harass those women?

8:53PM: Question Dude asked Huntsman if he would break up the big banks.  Huntsman says he would "right size" them.  Question Dude asked what he meant by that, and he said something about making the banks set up some kind of fund to mitigate the risk that they would otherwise be passing on to the taxpayers.  That sounds like a non-moronic idea, but it also kinda sounds like a tax.  Luckily for Huntsman, nobody else on the stage was smart enough to figure that out, or they weren't paying attention.

8:57PM: We're doing a thing now where every candidate gets 30 seconds to talk about health care.  I can sum up the Republican health care position in two seconds - "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

8:58PM: Romney suggests health care should work like a market.  Why?  Why is that automatically better?  Not everything can be fixed by the magic of the free market.

8:58PM: Question Lady has been subtly but effectively interrupting Newt every time he starts bitching about the questions.  This time, when he kept bitching, she interrupted with "would you like to try to answer a question about health care tonight or not".  I like her, I should learn her name. 

9:01PM: Santorum just gave us a brief history of all the things he did back in the 90's.  Ya know, back when people gave a shit about Rick Santorum.

9:05PM: Ron Paul says bailing out Europe would be "a real tragedy." I'm not sure tragedy is the word he was looking for.

9:12PM: The CEO of Caterpillar (who got to ask a question for some reason) just asked how they will put party aside and compromise for the good of the country.  Santorum finds a way to suggest that his 0% tax rate for manufacturing corporations is somehow a big compromise.  I'm not sure compromise means what Rick thinks it means.

9:15PM: Romney just criticized the President for only worrying about his re-election.  Yeah!  Mitt Romney would never just say anything people wanted to hear just to get elected!  Wait, did I say never?  I meant to say Mitt Romney constantly does that.

9:16PM: Perry just spent a full minute failing to remember the third government agency (I think he meant Cabinet Department) that he would get rid of.  Education, Commerce and...something.  We never found out what the third one was.  If you go back through the tape, you can see the exact moment when it went from funny to sad.

9:20PM: Newt just accused Lyndon Johnson of faking a balanced budget in 1969.  Yeah! Fuck Lyndon Johnson!  Seriously, what's going on here?

9:21PM: Romney just said he won't raise taxes four different ways in about 9 seconds.  This gets close to the heart of the problem.  We should have two parties arguing over what the appropriate tax rate is.  The problem is, for one of the parties, the appropriate tax rate is just "lower". 

9:25PM: Huntsman just said we have a real trust problem in this country with our institutions.  In a related story, let's go back to our debate where 8 leading presidential candidates tell us why we can't trust the government to do anything.

9:27PM: Ron Paul says the student loan program has failed and given students more debt and a worse education.  First of all, I work in higher education.  I could give you 100 reasons why students aren't getting better educations at colleges, and none of them have anything to do with student loans.  Secondly, failed at what? 

Here's the thing about student loans.  The fact that students borrow so much money to go to school allows colleges and universities to explode costs, because nobody expects to actually be able to afford college on their own anymore.  It's a crappy system, but you can't put the horse back in the barn.  Like housing, college is insanely expensive now, and we can't go back.  What we can do is find a way to create quality entry level jobs across a variety of industries so college becomes a good investment again, and that's why I'm proposing my 999 plan for...wait a minute!

9:31PM: Perry just remembered the third department he was trying to think of before...Energy!  Man, I'm so glad he remembered, that would have kept me up all night.

9:38PM: Wait, I'm confused.  Is Barack Obama killing jobs, or is China killing jobs?  Or is Barack Obama secretly Chinese?

9:40PM: Newt suggested yielding to Huntsman on the China question because, ya know, he used to work there and stuff.  An actual coherent thought from Newt, now I've seen everything.

9:42PM: Hunstman just accused Romney of pandering by suggesting punishing China with tariffs and calling them currency manipulators.  He brought up a good point, when we do it, it's "quantitative easing", when China does it, it's "currency manipulation".  Mitt responded by pandering some more.

9:43PM: Bachmann just accused China of building 3,000 miles of underground tunnels to house their nuclear weapons.  These people all know that everyone already knows China has nuclear weapons, right?  Is Bachmann surprised by this?  If I had nuclear weapons, I'd probably keep them underground too.  Those things are dangerous.

9:45PM: Cramer asked Cain a question that started with him specifically telling Cain that 999 is not an answer to the question.  Cain took 30 seconds to get to his 999 plan anyway.  Cramer is now lecturing Cain about why he's wrong.  Can we get Jim at every debate?  I can't tell anymore if he's genuinely amused or if he's five seconds away from killing everyone.

9:48PM: I've said this before, but it's worth repeating.  Rick Perry has a habit of starting sentences without knowing where he's going to end up.  It's like listening to a four year old tell you about his day, just a bunch of little strings of unrelated words, punctuated by strange facial expressions.

9:50PM: Ron Paul finished the debate by talking about crony capitalism while the other candidates hid behind their podiums.

Well, that was fun.  Quick programming note...there appears to be a debate this Saturday.  On one hand, watching Republicans isn't exactly my idea of a fun Saturday night.  But on the other hand, most of my friends live four hours away, outside of work people, I really only have one friend in Massachusetts, and I spent all day last Saturday bothering her.  Plus, I do enjoy this.  So, I guess what I'm saying is, the odds of me being here for Saturday's debate are about 50/50 right now.

Ideas for New American Mottos

Sometimes I don't write anything for a while because I'm lazy or I've grown bored with my own sense of humor.  Other times, I don't write anything for a while because I'm stuck without power for a week while my utility company (Western Massachusetts Electric, aka FUCKYOU...err...I mean WMECO) is exploring new depths of incompetence.  I'll let you guess which one of those things is happening now.

By the way, "you" in that last sentence will probably refer to absolutely nobody since I'll be posting this around midnight on a Friday and I doubt anyone will ever read it.  I'm camping out somewhere temporary while I continue to wait for my actual apartment to have power, so I figured why not do this for a little while.

One of the few news items I've been able to pick up this week from the internet and Twitter is Congress finding some time in their busy schedule of not doing anything to re-affirm "In God We Trust" as our official motto.  I could go on and on about all the reasons why this is stupid, but in the interest of time, how about just one?  We've been trusting god for quite a while now, how's that been working out for us lately?  Maybe it's time to trust someone else for a while.  People seem to like this Tim Tebow fellow.

As always, I'm all about problem solving.  You can't just call our current motto stupid and not offer ideas for a better motto. I've got all kinds of ideas:

"In Tebow We Trust"
"First in Religion, 38th in Math"
"Home of the Filibuster"
"Made in China"
"Can We Interest You in An Abandoned Factory?"
"You Know All That Rubble in Your Country? Your Welcome"
"We Can Put Ranch Dressing on Anything"
"Canada's Beard"
"Mexico's Sombrero"
"Fuck Soccer"
"The World Leader in Foul-mouthed Cartoons"
"We Invented David Hasselhoff"
"We Can Has Gunz!"
"More Likely to Believe in Ghosts Than Evolution"
"If You Can Fry It, We Can Eat It"
"The World's Leading Exporter of Explosions"
"Where Christmas Starts on Halloween and Ends on St. Patrick's Day"
"Jesus Works For Us"
"Is George W. Who Home? I'm sorry, I Think You Have a Wrong Number"

I think that's all I've got.  I sure hope I have power by the time the next Republican debate happens.

Six Angry Men (And One Crazy Lady)

In the last three weeks, I've had two separate dreams about the sun being destroyed.  Once by terrorists during a war, and the other time I woke up before we found out exactly what happened.  First of all, I appreciate my brain trying to generate sci-fi movie ideas, but I'll be needing more plausible scenarios if we're going to move forward.  More importantly, it seems like the possibility of one of these Republicans occupying the White House is making my subconscious more than a little nervous. 

I think it's important, if you're watching these debates and realizing how insanely entertaining four years of any of these people might be (not including Mitt Romney, whose whole existence is the antithesis of entertaining), to also realize that the President sometimes actually has to do things and know stuff.  I'm not saying a Herman Cain Presidency would inevitably end in the destruction of the sun, I'm just saying you couldn't rule it out. 

Anyway, live from the fourth circle of hell, it's the 112th Republican debate!

8:04PM: 2011 Newt Gingrich looks like he ate 1994 Newt Gingrich.

8:05PM: After noticing he was absent from the introductions, I used the internets to find out that Jon Huntsman is boycotting tonight's debate to suck up to New Hampshire voters.  Ya know, every time I think one of these people might not be a moron, something like this happens.

8:07PM: Anderson Cooper is tonight's moderator.  We'll have to try not to get too distracted by his handsomeness.  Anderson says he's hoping everyone will leave tonight's debate knowing more about the candidates.  Good luck with that Coop.

8:09PM: Herman Cain says he "solves problems for a living".  If elected, he'll know exactly what to do if the country runs out of pepperoni.

8:10PM: Newt Gingrich says when he's elected he'll "replace class warfare with cooperation".  That's right! Rich people are gonna keep all the money, and the rest of you motherfuckers better cooperate!

8:13PM: Herman Cain repeatedly says, if you just accept his analysis of his 999 plan, instead of, ya know, thinking and stuff, you'll see it's a great plan.  Seriously Herman, even Rick Santorum knows your plan is stupid.  Even Michele Bachmann is smarter than Herman Cain.  Michele Bachmann!

8:16PM: Rick Perry is laying out his own plan "at the end of the week."  Ohhh!  I can't wait to camp out in front of the tax plan store all night on Thursday waiting for Rick's plan to come out.

8:17PM: Cain - "a loaf of bread has five taxes in it right now".  That's a Herman Cain metaphor, I like to call them Cainaphors.

8:19PM: Cain invites families to do their own math on his 999 plan.  Quick note for Herman...Americans do not like math.

8:21PM: Going on roughly 15 minutes of everyone hammering Herman's plan.  The referee needs to step in and stop this fight.

8:22PM: Newt says the 999 plan is more complex than Cain lets on.  I can't tell if he meant that as a compliment or an insult.

8:23PM: Cooper just got Bachmann to admit she's in favor of raising taxes on the 47% of people who pay no federal income tax.  I could have sworn Republicans were against raising taxes.  I'm so confused.

8:24PM: Finally moving on to Romney's plan.  Someone get Herman Cain an ice pack and a drink.

8:26PM: Rick Perry has a tendency to start sentences without knowing where they're going to end.

8:29PM: Santorum and Romney are just yelling at each other now.  Well, Rick's yelling.  The Mittron 3000 is smirking and calmly responding.

8:34PM: Bachmann ends the debate on health care by shouting about repealing "Obamacare".  If anything sums up the Republican view of health care better than a poorly informed person shouting nonsense, I haven't seen it.

8:39PM: I may have been hallucinating, but I think Ron Paul just said we have "too much health care" in this country.  You have to pay attention when Ron's talking, because he'll slip stuff like that in there when you're not listening.

8:41PM: Perry says Texas has one of the finest health care systems in the world.  For the last time, executing everyone who catches a cold is not "health care".

8:41PM: Perry just accused Romney of hiring illegal immigrants to work in his house.  As Romney tried to respond, Perry pulls the same trick Santorum pulled by interrupting him before he could finish.  Romney eventually got so mad he almost short-circuited. 

8:45PM: Finally, Mitt defended himself by saying that if you hire contractors to work at your home, it's hard to know who those contractors are employing.  So true, and such a common problem.  Most Americans have no idea what the company they hired to mow their lawn is doing.

8:47PM: Perry wants to use predator drones to secure the Mexican border.  I may be underestimating the entertainment value of a Perry Presidency.

8:48PM: Bachmann (who appears to be dressed like a Navy Admiral) attacks President Obama for having illegal immigrant family members (kind of disgusting, even for her).  Then she proposes building a double fence.  Oh! Double fence!  That's twice as much fence!

8:51PM: Romney says everyone on the stage "loves legal immigration".  Santorum doesn't look so sure.

8:52PM: Pretty pro-Mitt crowd tonight.  There are more mormons in Las Vegas than you think.

8:54PM: Ron Paul is being extra nice tonight, so allow me to translate what he just said about the idea of a border fence.  Ron can understand why stupid people would be pacified by building a fence, but it wouldn't work and the rest of these people are morons for supporting it.

8:56PM: Cain refuses to answer Cooper's question about repealing or changing the 14th amendment, so Anderson moves on to Rick Perry, who also refuses to answer the question until slipping in a quiet "no" at the end.

8:58PM: We were talking about Latinos, and somehow Santorum jumped into faith and family and found his way to suggesting that same sex marriage is destroying families (ya know, somehow).  Rick Santorum is destroying my sanity.

9:02PM: They're talking about Yucca Mountain now.  Welcome to primary politics.  Mitt Romney has always been against burying nuclear waste in Nevada, ever since three hours ago when he got to Nevada.  And he'll always be against it, for as long as he's in Nevada.

9:06PM: Mitt Romney believes in free markets.  They've certainly worked for Mitt.  Free markets are a lot like casinos, in that, if you go in with billions of dollars, you'll probably leave with billions of dollars, but if you go in poor, you'll probably leave poor.

9:08PM: Michele Bachmann is against women losing their homes.  No mention of men, but she's strongly against women losing their homes.  That was kind of weird.

9:09PM: Coop is asking them about Occupy Wall Street.  This should be good.

9:09PM: Cain defends his idea that, if you aren't rich, it's your own damn fault.  The crowd eats it up.  Welcome to the Republican party.

9:11PM: Ron Paul lays out as good an explanation of why people are angry at Wall Street as you'll hear from anyone.  I mean, he just nailed it.  It really is too bad he's so crazy sometimes.

9:12PM: Herman Cain says he doesn't understand what these people on Wall Street want.  I think that pretty much sums it up.

9:13PM: These guys literally can't bring themselves to say banks did anything wrong.  Romney honestly looked like he was trying to say it and the words just wouldn't come out.

9:19PM: Uh oh, Cooper just specifically asked Santorum about faith.  I thought I was going to need a new TV, but Rick actually reigned it in a bit.  He almost sounded reasonable.  He didn't even call mormonism a cult (good call there if he wants to get out of Nevada alive).

9:22PM: Gingrich - "how can you have judgment if you have no faith?"  Yes Newt, blind belief in your invisible friend is the height of good judgment.

9:23PM: In the discussion of faith, Perry just said the American people have lost faith in the resident of the White House.  Zing!  Rick likes to have fun with words.

9:27PM: Bachmann says cutting defense spending is on the table, as long as we're not talking about actual dollar amounts.

9:28PM: Gingrich - "I'm a hawk, but I'm a cheap hawk".  In related news, Newt's a whore, but he's an expensive whore.

9:29PM: There goes crazy Ron Paul again, talking about how our empire is costing too much money and how that's what killed every empire in history and how maybe we don't need troops in Germany anymore.  Ol' crazy Ron.

9:32PM: Santorum would "absolutely not cut one penny" of defense spending.  I could construct a clever joke here, but it's easier to just say Rick Santorum is an idiot.

9:34PM: Some dope in the audience just asked about the foreign aid budget.  I wonder if any of these people will tell her how insignificant it is.  I'm gonna guess no (I was right).

9:35PM: I should be more surprised to hear that none of these alleged christians will defend humanitarian aid to other countries, but I'm not.

9:37PM: Bachmann, of course, wouldn't cut foreign aid to Israel, because Israel is special.  Not because she actually cares about Israelis, but because "you know who" can't come back unless Israel is all squared away.

9:44PM: On the question of electability, Santorum points out that he won Pennsylvania twice.  Yeah, but then he lost it that one time and pretty much went down in flames.  I wonder if he remembers that.

9:47PM: Not surprisingly, the discussion of electability has devolved into attack Mitt Romney time.  I think we can all agree that none of these people are electable.

9:48PM: Romney keeps picking fights with Perry.  Careful Mitt, Rick is pretty unstable and may be armed.  Also, Nevada loves them some Romney.  It's crazy.

9:50PM: Cain says he'll be "the problem solver who fixes stuff".  Oh! I want him! The guy who will "fix stuff"!  My biggest concern about Herman Cain is that we might actually be stupid enough to vote for him.

9:51PM: Gingrich, for about the 5th time in these debates, admonishes the moderator for, ya know, asking tough questions and making the candidates defend things they've previously said.  So unfair.

I guess that's it.  No closing statements.  CNN really knows how to put on a crappy debate.  Cooper had no control all night and then it just kind of ended suddenly. 

There are way too many debates for any one debate to really matter, but I think Herman Cain got roughed up pretty good tonight, probably the beginning of the end for him.  I'll miss the Pizza Man.  On the other hand, Mitt Romney appeared to almost have an emotion at one point in tonight's debate, so that's something.  Only 50 debates to go.