Bad News

Sadly, tonight's final debate of the long campaign season will go off without my commentary, as I'll be at work for most if not all of it.  I may try to do something with Election Day, but seeing as this is the last debate, I wanted to say thank you.  For anyone who took the time to read and/or comment, I've enjoyed following all of these debates and I hope I gave you a laugh, and maybe even encouraged one or two more people to pay more attention.

It's probably for the best, I hate foreign policy debates.  Not because Mitt Romney will spend the night pandering to the simpletons in his party.  Not because Mitt Romney will say many many things that expose how little he knows about foreign policy only to have the media talk about how good he looked and how strong he sounded doing it.  Not even because I find it difficult to find any real difference between the two parties on many issues.

I hate foreign policy debates because I'm not sure they matter.  In my adult life, I've learned that we have no idea what foreign policy disasters the guy who wins this election is going to have to deal with. I'm not super interested in what these guys say they would do if something happens, because it's always the thing we don't expect that gets us.

What I want to know is who's smarter?  Who's more reasonable, who's more rational?  I don't care about canned answers on the issues we already know about.  I need to know which guy shows me that he's ready to handle the unexpected crisis?

And that's why I'm voting for Barack Obama.  Because he's just smarter.  He knows more and he's willing to learn more.  I honestly think Mitt Romney sees foreign policy as a campaign issue, not something he actually cares about.  And that's fine, but that's why he doesn't get my vote.

Binders Full of Women And (More) Things I Don't Care About

I've mentioned this before, but there are still a great many things in this world about which I do not care.  Now, to be fair, I'm not exactly the model for caring about stuff.  At any given time in my life, there are a few things and/or people that I care about very much, and everything else can pretty much go fuck itself.  So, I wouldn't suggest that everybody should not care about the same things I don't care about, but there are some things that make me wonder why anybody would care about them.  Like...

The superbowl halftime show.  I'm done with this, OK?  Beyonce is great, and maybe she'll bring her husband and that would be even better.  And maybe he'll bring some people he's worked with in the past.  I'm not saying I won't enjoy the Beyonce/Jay-Z/Rihanna/Eminem halftime show, I'm just saying I don't care.  My superbowl Sunday wouldn't really be any worse if they had just decided to dig up another bunch of fossils to throw on the stage. 

You know why?  Because you know what always sucks no matter how good the artist is?  A fifteen minute concert in front of a crowd that may or may not even like the performer because that's not what they came to see.  Especially since halftime is the best time for the crowd to go pee and get more beer and a nacho refill.  Even when The Who played it wasn't really that good, and they've been practicing ever since they played the halftime show at the Civil War (which was also terrible and caused President Lincoln to quickly declare "Christ this is awful, can we just get back to killing each other?").

Speaking of sports, I don't care about any summer sport once football starts.  Seriously.  Baseball, NASCAR, golf, whatever else i forced myself to watch all summer in the gap between hockey and football; please stop.  All of you need to have your championships in late August or on Labor Day weekend and then you need to shut up and watch football like the rest of us. 

If you don't care that nobody is watching, then just think about your poor athletes.  Baseball players have to spend three hours every Sunday in September playing baseball instead of watching football.  NASCAR drivers don't get to watch football until some time in November.  Don't those leagues feel bad about that?  They should.

I don't care if Lance Armstrong cheated.  First of all, seriously, who gives a shit?  He cheated in a French bicycle race.  Read that last sentence a few times and ask yourself what part of that should matter to anyone.  I never liked Lance Armstrong that much anyway, but hasn't he raised like eleventy billion dollars for cancer research?  But now fuck him because he was the one guy in cycling who was taking performance-enhancing drugs, except for, ya know, EVERY OTHER FUCKING PERSON IN THE SPORT!?! 

The chances of a Tour de France winner eventually getting stripped of the title for using performance enhancers are basically the same as the chances of everything that John Calipari does at Kentucky eventually being vacated for recruiting violations.  Like 98%.  Cycling is a perfect example of why sports really need to think twice and make sure they really want to know what's going on before they start with a testing program.  But somehow Lance Armstrong is now a big evil man.  I don't understand people sometimes.

I still don't care about reality TV.  I mentioned this last time http://somethingclever13.blogspot.com/2009/12/things-i-dont-care-about.html but it's only getting worse.  The Learning Channel used to air legit valuable television about science and stuff.  Now it's amish people in New York City and honey boo boo.  When I was a kid, the Real World San Francisco was the best thing I'd ever seen on TV, and it's been all downhill from there for reality TV.  Where's Puck when you need him? 

The bigger point is, by replacing actual, valuable, educational TV, reality shows on channels like TLC are, literally, making us dumber.  To paraphrase; honey boo boo, you are one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever seen. At no point in your rambling, incoherent nonsense are you ever close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this country is now dumber for having experienced you. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Finally, I don't care about Mitt Romney's binder o' hoes, er, I mean, binders full of women.  Honestly, we all know what he was talking about and it wasn't anything offensive.  He just worded it a little strangely, which is kind of his thing.  Ginning up outrage over some stupid little comment is the Republicans' thing, and when the Democrats try it they pretty much always fail miserably. 

More importantly, wasn't the actually bad part when Romney suggested that a necessary part of hiring women is making sure you let them leave in time to go cook dinner?  I mean, you wouldn't want the hard working husbands of the women you hire out of pity to come home after a long day of working way past 5 just to find an empty table because you kept their wives at work too late.  Is it even possible for dinner to happen without a woman cooking it?  I don't know, and Mitt doesn't want to find out.

And what about all the other stupid things Mitt said Tuesday night?  He said his answer to gun violence in America involves 1) not ever considering any new gun legislation, but 2) telling people who have babies to get married.  This one statement alone should disqualify anyone from holding any kind of public office, but somehow binders full of women gets more press. 

Did you also notice how Mitt quickly threw in that the two parents had to be a mother and a father?  The only thing Republicans hate more than single moms is multiple homosexuals.  Ya know, as far as I know, Mitt had a mom and a dad, and he still turned out pretty useless.  Maybe it's time for the country to stop taking family planning advice from these idiots.

Round Two

This is very exciting.  Tonight's debate is being held at my alma mater, Hofstra University.  I assume the candidates will be expected to address important Hofstra issues like "can you still call it a unispan if there are three of them?" and "why didn't they have a Nathan's when I went to school there?" and "Is Hofstra red a real thing?". 

Tonight's debate is a town hall.  Yuck, these are always murder.  If professional grown-up journalists like Jim Lehrer can't even do a decent job of asking questions, what makes you think random people off the street (off the streets of Long Island, no less) can do it.  Maybe someone will get lucky and trip Mitt Romney up with a trick question like "Can you give us some specifics on your policy proposals?" or "I'm not wealthy, on a scale of 1 to 10, how much does that make you hate me?".

During the last debate, Dave suggested these things should be scored like boxing matches, and I couldn't agree more, so that's what I'll be trying to accomplish tonight.  Since I'm the only person left in the world who actually watches boxing, a quick review of boxing scoring is in order, so let's go to HBO's Harold Lederman...

"OK Jim, the Barack Obama/Mitt Romney fight is scheduled for 10 rounds using the unified rules of the association of boxing commissions.  There is no three knockdown rule and a fighter cannot be saved by the bell in any round, including the 10th and final round.  Scoring is based on four criteria; clean punching, effective aggression, defense and ring generalship, with an emphasis on clean punching."

9:00PM: Tonight's moderator is CNN's Candy Crowley.  This is a perfect match for a town hall style debate since CNN gave up on journalism years ago and now basically just re-tweets the "news".

9:00PM: Once again, CNN's John King provided some piercing pre-debate insight by pointing out that the candidates shouldn't insult the people asking the questions.  Good tip John.  Also, they should try not to set anything on fire and they should definitely not take their pants off.

9:03PM: Romney says he knows what it takes to create good jobs again.  He didn't tell us what it takes, so you're just going to have to take his word for it.

9:06PM: Obama comes out swinging, mentioning the 5 million jobs created since he took office and laying out three specific points on job creation.

9:09PM: Romney accused President Obama of "taking Detroit bankrupt".  Dave asks "can you take something bankrupt?".  Mitt Romney can.

9:10PM: Obama says Romney doesn't have a five point plan, he has a one point plan, to let people at the top of the economy play by different rules.  I'm going to call that clean punching and effective aggression.  Round 1: 10-9 Obama.

9:12PM: Some guy just asked the President if he agrees that it's not the job of the Energy Department to lower gas prices.  Sigh.  In what way do people think the government controls gas prices?  Are these guys running for President of OPEC?

9:15PM: Romney says that the rise in oil production under President Obama hasn't come from federal land.  Does oil from non-federal land not make my car go?  I don't understand this criticism.

9:16PM: Mitt Romney is in favor of the energy sources of the future, specifically, future coal.

9:17PM: Obama "very little of what Governor Romney just said is true".  Ha!  He followed up immediately by citing something Mitt Romney said a while back and pointing out how it's completely different from what he just said.

9:18PM: Romney says oil production is down on Federal lands, Obama swears it's not.  They can't both be telling the truth.  If only there was some kind of journalist around who knew stuff and could tell us who was lying.

9:20PM: Romney says he will fight for oil, coal and natural gas.  That sounds 100% true to me.  If that's the President you want, go ahead and vote for Mitt.

9:21PM: Obama makes the most important point about gas prices, which is that they were just about where they are now in early 2008, then Bush detonated the economy and gas prices were almost cut in half, then Obama took office.  Round 2: 10-9 Obama.

9:23PM: Candy Crowley has already lost all control.  This is going to be a mess.

9:24PM: Romney says the middle class has been buried over the last four years.  He means the last 32 years, but who's counting?  Then he, once again, claims that he can cut everyone's taxes without anyone having to pay for it because he's a wizard (OK, I made up the last part).

9:27PM: Romney promises to cut the capital gains tax to 0% for middle income families.  He seriously doesn't understand that regular people don't have capital gains.  I don't have a joke for that one, that statement is its own joke.

9:30PM: I don't know why Romney continues to claim that he doesn't want to cut taxes for wealthy people.  That's literally the only thing his party believes in that isn't named jesus.

9:32PM: Mitt Romney is not going to stop talking until you acknowledge his five point plan.  It has five points!  Why aren't you listening to Mitt?  Five points!

9:34PM: Obama just called Romney's tax plan "a sketchy deal".  Zing!  Round 3: 10-9 Obama.

9:36PM: Romney says 4 trillion dollars in deficits is math that doesn't add up.  Actually, it adds up to four trillion.

9:37PM: My reaction to the girl asking the question about equal pay for women was "oh, that girl's cute".  I think I probably feel bad about that, though I'm not 100% sure why.  I'm not saying I wouldn't give her equal pay for equal work, I'm just saying I also think she's pretty.

9:40PM: Romney on equal pay for women; "bitches be trippin".  OK, he didn't really say that.  He actually told a story about how he tried to hire some women when he was Governor of Massachusetts and how he worked with them on flexible hours so they could get home and take care of their lady problems while the men kept working.

9:42PM: Obama takes the equal pay question as an opportunity to talk about contraception.  I'm going to have to deduct a point for that.  Round 4: 10-8 Romney.

9:46PM: Mitt Romney is really concerned about the rules of the debate, not really a good look for him.

9:46PM: An Obama campaign staffer, er, I mean, an undecided voter, just asked Romney how he's different from George W. Bush.

9:47PM: Mitt says his plan is so much different that what George Bush would have done.  Yeah, I mean, for one thing, Mitt's plan doesn't have a goofy Texas accent.

9:49PM: "Pioneer of outsourcing" was actually Mitt's nickname in high school.

9:51PM: Obama just suggested that Romney is actually worse than George Bush.  Ouch.  I'm scoring round 5 9-9 after deducting a point from Obama for the low blow.

9:52PM: Obama says he passed the toughest Wall St. reform since the 1930's.  He added "the implementation of that whole thing has been a clusterfuck, but hey, we passed it".

9:54PM: Not to agree with Mitt's incessant whining about the debate rules, but Obama is dominating the time of possession here.

9:55PM: Romney; "we can't afford four more years like the last four years".  That's basically his only point, and that's OK, but we also can't afford four years of stupid Reagan economic policies, so I feel like we're kind of at an impasse here.

9:58PM: Romney is sternly lecturing Obama on what a terrible President he's been.  I thought he was leading up to firing him.  Round 6: 10-9 Romney.

9:58PM: Oh, they got a Latina lady to ask the immigration question #classy.

10:01PM: Me: "wouldn't it be fun if they got a white person to ask the immigration question for once?".  Dave: "what, like a Canadian?"

10:02PM: I stopped listening for like 10 seconds and all of a sudden Obama was talking about gang-bangers.  OK, OK, I'm awake.

10:04PM: Romney just answered Candy Crowley's question by saying "no" and then making up his own question to answer, which included him defending the fact that his blind trust has invested in companies in China.

10:05PM: Romney to the President "have you looked at your pension?" Obama "mine isn't as big as yours so it doesn't take as long".  He got a good laugh out of the audience for that one.  Round 7: 10-9 Obama.

10:09PM: Obama started the Libya question by pointing out that ambassadors aren't some political football for him, he actually knows these people.  Honestly, that's the only thing I wanted to hear on this question.  Round 8: 10-9 Obama.

10:11PM: Romney says he feels deep sympathy for the families impacted by the Libya attack.  That didn't stop him from trying (and failing) to use it to score political points.

10:14PM: Obama is legit angry about having to keep talking about this Libya thing.  I have to say I'm happy to see him not being afraid to seem a little angry when anger is called for.

10:16PM: Mitt said Obama didn't call the Libya thing terrorism for two weeks and Crowley actually corrected Mitt and pointed out that Obama called it terrorism the next day.  Look at someone from CNN acting like a real journalist!  Blitzer must be so proud!

10:18PM: Question about the 2nd amendment and assault weapons.  Obama failed to point out that the 2nd amendment was written long before assault weapons were invented, but he did talk about trying to re-introduce an assault weapons ban, so that's better than nothing I guess.

10:20PM: Mitt says he isn't in favor of making new legislation about guns or taking guns away.  Another moment of honesty from Mitt, but then he somehow jumped from gun control to talking about how we should encourage people to get married if they're going to have a kid.  I'm counting that as a knockdown for Obama.  Round 9: 10-8 Obama.

10:24PM: Obama points out that Romney was for an assault weapons ban before he was against it.  That line works better if you get him to say it about himself like John Kerry did.

10:25PM: Obama jumped from guns to education.  Well, that's closer I guess, but I still don't really get it.  Crowley, as she did with Romney, jumped in and pointed out that the question was guns.  The candidates do not care.

10:27PM: Romney says he's going to make America more attractive again.  I feel like Romney's idea of more attractive would be lots of make-up, new expensive clothes and maybe some fake boobs.  I'm really more into a jeans and t-shirt, comfortable, casual looking America.

10:29PM: Me: "is this debate going to run long?  Is that even allowed?".  Dave: "No, res life has the room reserved at 11 for an in-service training".  I wouldn't include that joke, but so many people who read my blog were RAs or RDs at some point that I feel like everyone will get it.

10:31PM: Obama says Romney's company invested in "pioneers of outsourcing".  He says that's not his phrase, reporters said it.  Well, if reporters say it, it must be true.

10:32PM: How would Mitt Romney convince a company like Apple to bring jobs back to the US?  Come on, you know this one.  That's right!  The magic power of tax cuts!

10:33PM: Obama; "Candy, there are some jobs that are not gonna come back."  That's 100% true, but I feel like he's going to regret saying it.  Round 10: 10-9 Romney

10:34PM: Some guy just asked Romney what the biggest misperception about him is.  That's the same question I ask graduate students when I interview them for a job.  I guess I'm saying that I should be allowed to moderate the next debate.

10:36PM: Mitt says he believes in god.  Good for you champ.

10:37PM: Mitt says we're all children of the same god.  He added "I mean, not homosexuals and immigrants, but, ya know, regular people".

10:38PM: Obama "I believe Mitt Romney is a good man".  That's not going to poll well.  I'm not sure Mitt Romney believes Mitt Romney is a good man.

OK then, no closing statements.  My final score card has it 95-92 Obama, and as arbitrary as my scoring system was, I feel like that's pretty close to the mark.  Obama was tougher and more active this time.  I honestly think being out from behind a podium and being able to walk around like a normal person was good for him.  Romney only came armed with his one talking point about how bad the economy still is, and it got old after a while.  I'd call it a solid win for Obama, which is good because the third fight is already scheduled and nobody wants to see a third fight if the same guy wins the first two.

Undercard

I think it's perfectly fair to ask why we even have Vice Presidential debates.  What kind of person would decide who they're voting for based on what the VP candidates have to say?  And why would we let that person vote?  Honestly, I know they take over if the President dies, but who would bother to assassinate Mitt Romney?  He's basically just a Republican spokes-model, like Reagan was.  A conservative mascot.  It would be like assassinating Ronald McDonald.

So, why watch the Vice Presidential debate?  Well, because something might actually happen, and not just because Joe Biden is a gaffe machine and Paul Ryan lies every time he talks.  These guys only get one shot at this, and after the insane reaction to the first Presidential debate, they both have to feel like there's a lot at stake.  And also, yes, Biden's crazy sometimes, so there's that.

9:00PM: Before the debate on CNN, John King called Paul Ryan a strong advocate for smaller government.  No, that's still a lie.  Then some other guy called Biden "middle class, beer drinking Joe Biden".  He's not some coal miner from West Virginia, he's been in the Senate since he was 30.

9:00PM: OK, I'm going to start by admitting that I don't know who Martha Raddatz is.  I'm not the leading authority on debate moderators or anything, but I feel like that's not a good sign.

9:03PM: On the question of who the fuck the moderator is, my buddy Dave adds "according to Fox News, she caught the bouquet at Obama's wedding or something like that".  Well there you go.

9:05PM: It took approximately 37 seconds for Biden to mention that time when Obama ordered Navy Seals to shoot bin laden in the face.  Good move since Obama never actually got around to that last week.

9:07PM: Ryan says the Obama administration is projecting weakness abroad.  Yeah, all this face shooting and drone attacking looks really weak.  President Romney would go to other countries himself and kill terrorists with his bare hands.

9:09PM: Biden after a three minute Ryan ramble.."with all due respect, that's a bunch of malarkey".  Biden is bringing the zingers tonight.  He could also be a little drunk.  Either way, this should be pretty fun.

9:11PM: We're spending a lot of time arguing about the terrorist attack a couple of weeks ago.  The fact that this is a political argument is really a pox on both of their houses, and I really don't want to talk about it.

9:12PM: Ryan says we should not be apologizing for standing up for our values.  OK, well nobody's doing that, but we'll keep an eye out.

9:15PM: Biden cracks himself up.

9:16PM: Biden keeps calling Ryan "my friend".  Important note, in Delaware, "my friend" means "this douchebag over here".

9:17PM: Ryan on Iran working toward a nuclear weapon.."they're spinning the centrifuges faster".  Wait, is that how building nuclear weapons works?  I honestly don't know.

9:20PM: Biden just called what Ryan was saying "a bunch of stuff".  I think we need an HBO VP debate so Biden can speak freely.

9:21PM: Biden on Iran.."if we ever do have to take action the world will be behind us, and that matters".  Well, not to Republicans.

9:22PM: Biden keeps trying to interrupt every time Ryan talks.  It's really funny.

9:24PM: Stupid question "can you get unemployment under 6% and how long will it take?"  The correct answer is, no, and I have no idea how long it will take before everyone realizes that.

9:27PM: Ryan.."I think the Vice President knows that sometimes the words don't come out of your mouth the right way".  Zing!

9:29PM: We're in the middle of a who can tell the saddest car accident story contest.  Biden won, I think.

9:33PM: I'm starting to think Paul Ryan might not actually be Joe Biden's friend.

9:35PM: Ryan says there's an "Obamacare board" that will be in charge of taking money out of medicare.  There's nothing Republicans hate more than Obamacare boards.  Biden agrees with me saying "it seems that every four years I hear the same thing about these panels". Ha! Although, no matter what you think of Paul Ryan, comparing anyone to Sarah Palin is a low blow.

9:38PM: We're drowning in a horrible discussion about medicare and vouchers now.  I promise to vote for whoever stops talking about this first.

9:41PM: So far I'm still voting for nobody.

9:41PM: It couldn't be any more clear that these two guys can't fucking stand each other.  Biden's five minutes away from ripping his shirt off and challenging Ryan to a wrestling match.

9:45PM: Raddatz finally ended the medicare discussion, so I'm voting for her.  I'm a man of my word.

9:46PM: Are we calling the 2008 economic disaster "The Great Recession" now?  Is that a thing?

9:47PM: Ryan says we shouldn't tax wealthy people more because it won't pay for anything anyway.  I don't really know what to say about that except, so?  Can we just do it for fun?

9:51PM: I'm sorry, I got lost in Paul Ryan's eyes for a few minutes.

9:55PM: Just to be clear, by Paul Ryan's logic, we would never cut the defense budget or make any branch of the military smaller in any way, because it would always be a sign of weakness.

10:00PM: Simple distinction on Afghanistan policy.  Biden (and Obama): We're leaving in 2014, so get your shit together.  Ryan (and Romney): We're leaving when you decide to get your shit together, and we're hoping you do it by 2014.

10:01PM: When Paul Ryan turns on his television these days, he sees the absolute unraveling of the Obama foreign policy.  He needs to check out some other channels.  Has he seen honey boo boo?

10:05PM: Biden is literally yelling at the moderator now about when they pulled the surge troops out of Afghanistan.  If Obama did that he'd get hammered by everyone, but I feel like Biden gets away with it.

10:07PM: Paul Ryan can name any city in Afghanistan.  Just try him.

10:07PM: Biden cracks me up too.

10:10PM: Paul Ryan wants to arm the freedom fighters in Syria.  Right, because arming the rebels in the middle east always works out well and never backfires in any way.

10:14PM: Ryan says you only put troops on the ground for national security interests.  This from the party that invaded Iraq for shits and giggles.

10:15PM: We're talking about religion now.  BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

10:16PM: I should be able to hit Paul Ryan with a shoe whenever he uses the word faith in the same sentence as the words science and reason, unless the sentence is something like "Faith is completely incompatible with science and reason".

10:18PM: Biden says he refuses to impose his religious beliefs on others.  Paul Ryan is baffled by that whole concept.

10:20PM: Republicans believe that reproductive rights (and marriage rights, for that matter) should be up for a majority vote.  I wonder if they'd feel the same way about freedom of religion if they suddenly found themselves in the minority.

Closing statements, mostly nonsense, but I really liked how Biden framed his demeanor.  After seeming kind of angry all night, Biden said, if he seemed a little frustrated, it's because of how Romney and Ryan see the American people.  I don't know if that's bullshit or not, but it was a hell of a way for him to wrap it up.

I'm not sure how to sum this debate up, except to say this.  Every time Paul Ryan was talking, Biden's face was saying "I hate you, I hate you, I'm gonna punch you, I hate you".  Every time Biden was talking, Ryan's face was saying "Oh crap, oh crap, he's telling people all the things I don't really want them to know about".  I would say that Biden was passionate, tough and didn't let Ryan get away with anything. I'd also say that Ryan came off as more affable and maybe more likable, although I think Biden helped himself out with likability at the end, and he's always kind of likable anyway.

I would have bet just about anything on the media saying Biden won tonight no matter what happened, so I assume that'll be the prevailing wisdom.  I kind of don't care because it's a Vice Presidential debate and it doesn't really matter.  See you Tuesday for the next real debate.

Recap

If you think about it, last night's debate shouldn't have been that much of a surprise.  Preparing to debate Mitt Romney is like preparing for a boxing match against a southpaw, only when you get to the match, instead of fighting a lefty, you're wrestling a bear.  George Costanza once famously said it's not a lie if you believe it.  Similarly, you can't really prepare to debate Mitt Romney if even Mitt Romney doesn't know what he'll be believing and saying on any given day.

As someone who's been paying attention this whole time, I have a hard time declaring Mitt the winner, because I know he spent much of the debate, um, getting creative with reality.  But I will say this, the strategy was brilliant.  Everyone thought Mitt was walking into a trap.  The President was going to ask Mitt to explain how he's going to pay for his $5 trillion tax cut and Mitt would have to either give an explanation people would hate or refuse to give an explanation again, which people would also hate.  There's no way anyone could have anticipated Mitt just saying "Tax cut! What tax cut?  What is this crazy man talking about?".  I may be paraphrasing. 

For the President's part, I'm not sure what he could have done.  I know people wanted him to fight back more and call Romney out on his bullshit, but how does that really go?  Do you think the President does better if he spends the whole night whining about how Romney is distorting things and lying?  I don't know.  I like condescending, arrogant, dismissive Barack Obama (honestly, he's my favorite Barack Obama), but I'm fairly confident the Obama campaign has polling that says most people hate that shit.  

There's a great West Wing episode about a Presidential debate.  The campaign team sees polling that says people will think President Bartlet is arrogant no matter what he does, so then they tell him to just go be himself and he crushes Rick Perry, er...Rob Ritchie.  That's a nice story, but that's not really how it works.  In reality, doing the thing that people expect you to do that they hate only makes more people hate you, and hate you more. 

I think the President's strategy, which he had to think of all on his own because, again, there's just no preparing for Mitt Romney, was to let Mitt punch himself out with nonsense and let the fact-checkers and the media kill him for it afterwards.  Obviously, there were a couple of flaws in the President's plan.  Number one, people don't care that much about facts.  Especially undecided voters.  They barely even know what country they live in.

Number two, trusting the media to actually do their job was a HUGE mistake.  HUUUUGGGEE!!  I hardly watched any of the post-debate coverage because I was too busy reading through my blog and pretending I care if things are spelled correctly, but the little pieces I heard were ridiculous, especially from a media that's supposed to be in the tank for Obama.  Here's what I heard from the media after the debate:

1) Mitt Romney's masterful and commanding performance.  Really?  All he did was lie and smirk.  I can do that anytime I want.  Can I be President now?

2) The President was looking down and writing a lot.  OK, I'll give the media that one.  What was he doing?  He was probably trying to figure out when Mitt would start with the zingers.  I can't blame him, I was too.

3) Mitt would cut Obamacare and PBS funding.  OK look, I know it's stupid to say you would cut PBS funding because it's such a small percentage of the budget, but I think he was just trying to make a joke.  Jim Lehrer was sitting right there.  If you've seen Mitt try to make jokes in the past, you know this is the best he's done so far.

So here's what I learned.  If you talk about Big Bird in a Presidential debate, people will talk about that shit.  They'll talk about that instead of, say, the job losses that cutting funding would create at local PBS stations that aren't funded by the Children's Television Workshop.

More importantly, I learned that if you win a Presidential debate by mostly being dishonest and misleading, the media will spend 99% of their reaction talking about the winning part and 1% of their reaction talking about the dishonest and misleading part (though I'm told MSNBC focused a little more on the lying, but that doesn't really count because they would have called Mitt a liar if his central argument was that the sky is blue...and no, I'm not saying MSNBC is the same as Fox, but they aren't neutral either).

The only important take-away is this.  If you're an undecided voter who plans to watch any of the remaining debates to decide who to vote for, just watch the debate and then turn it right off before those idiots on TV start telling you who you think won.  What happened to Keith Olbermann?  At least he was funny.

Willard's House of Zingers

If you haven't been following political news over the last few days, you may not be aware that Mitt Romney has spent the last couple of months memorizing zingers for the Presidential debates.  I guess they figured Mitt's own comedy stylings about how poor people are lazy and useless wouldn't play to a national audience.

I honestly can't think of a better example of how the Romney campaign is a total disaster.  First, they take a candidate who already seems wooden and robotic and try to pre-program him with witty one-liners, as if that will do anything other than make him sound more robotic and disingenuous.  And then, they leak the story before the debates.  So now, even if Mitt actually does think of something spontaneous and funny to say all on his own, nobody will believe it was spontaneous, or that Mitt thought of it.  Well done.

I grew up believing that Republicans were the grown-ups.  That maybe they didn't always have the best ideas, but they were always the best at running campaigns and winning political fights.  The McCain campaign was a three ring circus without a ring leader, and the Romney campaign is making the McCain campaign look like it was run by a highly skilled team of Nobel laureates.  This doesn't bode well for the party, is I guess what I'm saying.

Anyway, it's time for another debate.  Unfortunately, it's just Romney and Obama this time.  I don't know why they couldn't have invited some of the other Republican candidates just for fun.  I miss Herman Cain shouting random numbers at me, and Michele Bachmann staring me down with her crazy eyes, and Rick Santorum spewing hate from behind his comfy and safe sweater vest.  Actually, I don't really miss that last one. 

On a more serious note, why doesn't Gary Johnson get to play tonight?  He's on the ballot everywhere.  How did we wind up with such a rigged system?  I hope Gary Johnson charges the stage from the audience like an NBA draft pick who wasn't invited to the green room.  If it happens, Gary has my vote, even if the Secret Service kills him.

Here we go...fair warning, I expect this to be pretty boring and quite maddening.  Proceed with caution.

9:00PM: Tonight's moderator is PBS anchor Jim Lehrer, so each candidate will be leaving with a complimentary tote bag.  (I've been practicing my zingers too...Zing!)

9:01PM: I'm watching on CNN tonight because, well, because I feel sorry for CNN.  I might switch to Fox a few times just to see if they're doctoring the audio or digitally darkening Obama's side of the stage.

9:02PM: Lehrer's review of the rules was already PBS-caliber long and boring.  He says the crowd has promised to be silent.

9:04PM: We're starting with the economy.  Ohhhh!  The one thing neither of these guys wanted to talk about.

9:04PM: Obama just wished his wife a happy anniversary.  I couldn't be less interested in that, -1 point.

9:05PM: The first question was simply "what are the major differences between the two of you on how you'd create jobs?".  Obama went first and spent 0 seconds answering that question, finishing with "I'm looking forward to having that debate".  Psst...you're having it right now!

9:07PM: Romney's got a five point job plan.  #5 was about small businesses and, as far as I could tell, was the only one that actually sort of related to jobs.

9:09PM: Both of these guys have already talked about improving our education system.  I suspect neither of them have any idea how to do that.  I also have no idea, but I'm not running for President.

9:10PM: Obama keeps saying he agrees with Governor Romney on stuff.  He knows this is a debate, right?

9:11PM: Mitt Romney just said he doesn't have a tax cut in his economic plan.  I'm 100% positive that isn't even remotely true.  Also, did you know the President is personally responsible for gas prices?  I didn't know that either.

9:13PM: Three minutes later, Romney said he wants to lower tax rates.  My head hurts already.

9:13PM: Romney, "I like coal".  He added, "clean coal".  OK, but just to be clear, clean coal isn't a real thing.

9:16PM: Romney swears he doesn't want a 5 trillion dollar tax cut, and he won't "reduce the taxes paid by upper income Americans".  But then again said he wants to bring down rates.  I think Mitt's struggling with what words mean.

9:19PM: Obama is hammering Mitt with math.  Americans don't like math Mr. President...and, from the looks of it, neither does Mitt.

9:20PM: I just noticed that Mitt's American flag lapel pin is at least twice as big as Obama's.  Breaking news on Fox, Mitt is at least twice as American as the President.

9:21PM: According to the focus group response lines on CNN, the ladies love them some Obama.

9:22PM: Breaking news from Mitt, businesses don't want businesses to have to pay higher tax rates.  Important point about Mitt here, he looks at governing in terms of what businesses want, and what's good for businesses.  If you like that, you should probably vote for Mitt.  Me?  I'm not voting for Mitt.

9:23PM: Obama says he has math, common sense and our history on his side.  Yeah right, three things that all have a well known liberal bias.

9:27PM: Mitt promises to cut all government programs that aren't worth borrowing money from China to pay for, including "Obamacare" and PBS.  He said he likes Big Bird, but still no funding for PBS.

9:29PM: Mitt is smirking while Obama is talking about how the last Republican President burned down the economy and left it for Obama to clean up.  See, it's funny because Mitt wants to do the same thing again.

9:31PM: Romney thinks the President should have jumped on the Simpson-Bowles deficit reduction plan.  Mitt doesn't actually support Simpson-Bowles, but he thinks the President should have.  He probably thinks the President should have supported it a year ago and then changed his mind a few times.

9:33PM: Mitt is throwing a medium sized tantrum about raising taxes.  Another important distinction here.  Obama wants to get more revenue by collecting more revenue, Romney wants to get more revenue through the magic power of tax cuts.  One of those things sounds more plausible.

9:36PM: Apparently Obama met a stripper in Vegas with 42 kids, or, er, a teacher in Vegas with 42 kids in her class.  Whatever, I hate these stupid stories about random people candidates met.

9:37PM: Romney just got a text message from Rick Santorum, who is infuriated because Mitt hasn't yet mentioned how the gays are destroying America.

9:38PM: Romney just mocked the Obama administration for investing in alternative energy.  Yeah, fuck that shit!  Oil and coal are an infinite resource, we just have to keep digging.

9:40PM: It's very important to Lehrer that we understand which segment of the debate we're currently in.

9:43PM: Mitt just invited people over 60 to stop listening.  Don't worry Mitt, they're mostly asleep by now, along with pretty much everyone else.  Come on, Mitt!  What happened to the zingers?

9:44PM: They're talking about social security and medicare now.  This is basically just a competition to see who can do a better job of demonizing the other guy.

9:45PM: Mitt wants to be very clear that his terrible plan to turn medicare into a voucher program will only screw "future people".

9:46PM: I would describe Mitt Romney's performance tonight as smirktastic.

9:48PM: Important point here.  Romney claims his medicare idea will give people a choice between the current medicare model or private plans, but that's not really true because sucking money out of the current model and putting it into private insurance will weaken and ultimately kill the current model, leaving people with no choices, which is approximately when the prices go back up.

9:51PM: Romney says he would repeal and replace Dodd-Frank.  I mean, you know, he'd get around to replacing it, eventually.

9:53PM:  If Mitt's been practicing his zingers, Barack's been practicing his incredibly long, slightly exasperated pauses.

9:55PM: Blaming people who took out mortgages they couldn't really afford for the financial crisis is one of the stupider Republican talking points.  "Yeah!  How dare those poor people try to have a place to live!"

9:56PM: Mitt wants to repeal Obamacare because businesses can't afford it.  You hear this from Republicans a lot, and it's a scam.  Republicans are the ones who made sure the Affordable Care Act did nothing to lower costs, and now they're bitching because it didn't lower costs.

10:00PM: I predict Republicans will hammer the President after this debate for attacking profits.  It'll be a lie, but they'll do it anyway and it'll probably work.

10:01PM: How did it become the President's fault that he had to do everything without any Republican support?  "Yeah, it's that mean President, he turned us all into a bunch of crying toddlers!"  Doesn't the President actually deserve credit for doing things with the legislative equivalent of one arm tied behind his back?

10:04PM: Obama just said Cleveland Clinic is one of the best health care systems in the world.  I'm sorry, I refuse to believe anything associated with Cleveland is the best in the world at anything.

10:08PM: Nobody in the federal government is taking over health care you crazy idiot!

10:10PM: Obama just asked if Romney is keeping all of his plans secret because they're just so good.  I think I saw Mitt writing that one down.  Best line of the night.

10:12PM: Romney appears to be talking hypothetically about a number of possible things a President Romney could do about health care, but he's unwilling to actually pick one because he says he shouldn't go into office with a plan that he wants to ram through.  That's not a terrible approach as long as you have a Congress to work with that's useful and competent.  We have one of those, right?  Right?

10:13PM:  I'm pretty sure the camera just caught Mitt flirting with the audience, or Lehrer.

10:17PM: Mitt still hasn't mentioned how the gays are ruining everything, or how using birth control makes a woman a slut.  Does he know he's a Republican?

10:18PM: Romney. "it's time for a new path".  He added, "I mean, I'm proposing the same path we were on like four years ago, so it's more like a certified pre-owned path, but still".

10:22PM: I'm not 100% sure Mitt is familiar with his own platform.

10:23PM: My biggest take away from this debate is that Mitt Romney LOVES him some business.

10:27PM: Obama just used the word "principled".  Someone get Mitt a dictionary.

10:29PM: I didn't hear one zinger tonight, but maybe we just don't know what Mitt thinks a zinger is.

Final Thought: I don't understand how Romney can spend 18 months running as a fringe conservative and then show up tonight talking like some kind of bi-partisan moderate.  Sadly, I suspect people who weren't paying attention before now may fall for it.  But then again, you never really know who the real Mitt is.  Maybe it's the fringe conservatives that fell for it.  Mitt's a puzzle.

The media literally can't wait to tell me how Romney dominated this debate.  As someone who's been paying attention the whole time, I didn't really see it that way because I know Mitt lied a bunch of times, but I can see how someone who just starting paying attention would see this as a pretty solid Romney win.  Which leads me to ask, was the media not really paying attention before now?

Maybe I'll spend some time tomorrow night putting together some coherent thoughts about what I just saw, or maybe not, I don't know.  Either way, see you at the next debate.