Intervention!

Really, Republicans? Rick Santorum? Really? Listen, I know you don't like Mitt Romney. Nobody likes Mitt Romney. That's why he had to create that weird army of cloned sons to follow him around everywhere. Because when he had real sons even they were sort lukewarm about him.

I get it, OK? Democrats went through the same thing in 2004. They were cruising toward an easy victory over President Numbnuts when all of a sudden they were staring down the barrel of John Kerry as their nominee. John Kerry is so boring he can bore you to death just by sitting there while someone else is talking.

Now Mitt isn't as boring as John Kerry, nobody is. But, what Mitt lacks in lack of excitement, he more than makes up for in lack of being a real person. It's one thing to joke about a guy being sort of robotic, it's another thing for a candidate to show up in his home state and talk about how the "trees are the right height" and how he "loves the lakes" in "the parts" of Michigan.

Having said all that, Romney would most likely be a perfectly adequate President, or at least the country would probably still be here after four years of Romney. Santorum, on the other hand, would be a total catastrophe.

Of all the idiotic things Rick Santorum says everyday, all the misogyny, all the homophobia, all the nonsense, the thing that got me the most was what I recently heard from him about satan. Rick Santorum thinks satan is a real thing. The fairy tale monster from the bible, Rick thinks it's a real thing, out there somewhere plotting against America. Somebody should ask him if he thinks we ought to be on the lookout for grendel.

Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on Rick. He's probably not the only candidate who thinks satan is real. Hell, the President might even believe in satan (though I continue to hope the President is a secret atheist). But I think Rick is the only one who actually spends time worrying about it, like satan might actually show up one day.

It's time for Republican primary voters to focus up. Consider this debate an intervention. Watch these two hours and ask yourselves, can you really do this? Really? Rick Santorum? Really?

8:00PM: CNN's John King starts off the debate by looking into the camera and saying "we're seriously doing this again? This isn't some kind of joke? OK, fine! Let's get it over with".

8:01PM: If you didn't see this on TV, you're just going to have to take my word for it. Rick Santorum showed up for the debate covered from head to toe in ash wednesday ashes. It was magnificent.

8:02PM: Ron Paul just promised to change the national anthem to Award Tour by A Tribe Called Quest if he's elected. Put me down for one Ron Paul vote.

8:03PM: OK...OK...I made all that shit up to entertain myself during CNN's ridiculous opening video montage. I hate you, CNN. I really do.

8:04PM: King tells us that they recited the pledge of allegiance right before they went on TV. Am I the only one who thinks the pledge of allegiance is kind of a weird thing? We used to say that before school everyday. That's kinda weird, right?

8:06PM: Why does CNN always feel they need to give the candidates an example of how to introduce themselves? They're Republicans, not four year olds. I'm pretty sure they know what "introduce yourself" means.

8:07PM: Romney says President Obama has broken the promise of America. That's right, nothing bad happened before 2009. It's all the black guy's fault.

8:09PM: Santorum fails to get through even one answer without saying something stupid when he it takes him two sentences to get to repealing obamacare, but not cutting defense spending at all, ever, no matter what.

8:11PM: I'm chatting with Dave again during tonight's debate. He just reminded me that Mitt Romney is reminiscent of that Simpsons episode when the aliens take over the bodies of Bill Clinton and Bob Dole. First of all, Dave's dead on. Secondly, can you believe the Simpsons has been on since Bob Dole ran for President?

8:12PM: Romney just used the phrase "government servants". That doesn't sound right.

8:14PM: Romney and Santorum appear to be fighting over which one of them is a bigger liar.

8:15PM: Newt just quoted Alexander Hamilton. Well, he didn't quote Hamilton so much as he made up something he thinks Hamilton would say. I think Hamilton would say "Fucking Aaron Burr! I hate that dick!"

8:16PM: Ron Paul when asked why he has a new TV ad labeling Rick Santorum as a fake..."because he's a fake". Zing!

8:18PM: Santorum looks genuinely annoyed that Ron is pointing out what a giant hypocrite he is. When he got a chance to respond, he didn't really dispute anything Ron said, he just kind of rambled for a while.

8:20PM: Santorum says the conservative based is "riled up". Ain't that the truth.

8:23PM: Newt looked genuinely baffled by John King's pretty simple question about Romney's tax plan. He must have been trying to think of a way to use the question to blame King for Newt being so stupid, but he couldn't come up with anything.

8:25PM: Newt seems pretty sure he can solve all of Arizona's problems by keeping Mexicans out. I'm not so sure. Their Governor is a moron, so that's at least one problem you can't solve by chasing Mexicans back across the border.

8:28PM: Romney after two minutes of Santorum rambling..."I didn't follow all of that". Neither did I, but I'm not running for President. Mitt should probably focus a little.

8:30PM: While defending earmarks, Newt makes a point I've been making for months. Republicans don't really have any problem with big government, they just don't like it when some other guy is in charge.

8:32PM: Luckily, one of these guys lives in the real world. Ron just pointed out that earmarking (allocating how the money is spent) is sort of Congress' job and isn't a problem unless you're spending the money on stupid things.

8:34PM: Santorum says he opposed the Wall St. and auto industry bailouts. Easy for him to say, considering he didn't actually have to cast any votes back then. It's super easy to oppose something when you don't have to actually do anything about it.

8:38PM: Romney appears to be blaming his opposition to the auto bailout on the auto workers union. Ummm...OK.

8:45PM: Piers Morgan will be interviewing Newt Gingrich Friday night. Be sure to set your DVR's to anything but that.

8:47PM: These guys still think birth control is somehow a topic about religion. It still isn't. Just because your church has some ass backwards, 13th century view about women doesn't mean all the other people just trying to be normal are attacking your church.

8:50PM: Santorum says over 40% of children in America are born out of wedlock. I don't know that's bullshit, but it certainly sounds like bullshit. Either way, the fact that Rick went directly from birth control to children being born out of wedlock demonstrates that he doesn't really give a shit about religious freedom, other than the freedom of his religion to tell everyone else what to do.

8:52PM: Mitt says this isn't an issue of contraception, he's still wrong. Mitt added "OK, so maybe we're afraid of lady parts...and by "we", I mean human men, because I am a human man".

8:54PM: Mitt was so angry when the Massachusetts legislature wouldn't let him discriminate against gay couples when it came to adoption. I hear ya Mitt. I live in Massachusetts now, they're always trying to treat the gays like regular humans up here. Jerks!

8:57PM: Santorum just referred to abstinence based programs as "programs that actually work". I'm not sure he understands what "work" means.

8:59PM: Santorum says he voted for title 10 but then he fought it with title 20. Dave adds "oh yeah Rick, well I'm going to come up with title 40!" You don't need to know what was in any of those titles. I certainly don't. It's still funny.

9:01PM: Romney nails Santorum for endorsing some liberal douche named Mitt Romney four years ago. Take that, Rick!

9:03PM: Santorum just pointed out that Mitt balanced his budgets in Massachusetts because the state Constitution required him to. I just want to say that Dave made that point like 25 minutes ago.

9:05PM: Why do they let audience members ask questions? As evidenced by Rick Santorum, you don't really have to be that bright to get on the stage for one of these things. Why would we want to hear from the people who couldn't even get that far?

9:06PM: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! (this is what it sounds like in my head every time they start talking about immigration)

9:08PM: Rick Perry is in the audience. Dave asks how Rick found his way to Arizona. I'm pretty sure he just got lost on the way to a Dillon Panthers game.

9:10PM: I've completely stopped paying attention.

9:13PM: Newt on whether or not some conservative rhetoric on immigration is harsh or intolerable..."I don't know, but Barack Obama sucks, right?" I may be paraphrasing a little.

9:14PM: King just said "one of these men could be President 11 months from now". I just got a chill. Smoke 'em if you've got 'em America.

9:19PM: King asks each candidate to define himself in one word. Too bad Rick Perry dropped out, I would have liked to have heard him answer "ummm".

9:21PM: Romney on women in the military..."the gals can fight if they want, it's cute, but more importantly, the President sucks". Again, paraphrasing a little.

9:22PM: Newt says we should leave women's role in the military up to the "combat leaders", whatever that means. Such a good point, women's rights should definitely be left up to the dudes running the military. That sounds like an awesome plan.

9:24PM: Santorum says he didn't say it was wrong for women to serve in certain military roles, he just has concerns. I'm not saying Rick Santorum is an idiot, I'm just saying I have some concerns about his idiocy.

9:28PM: When Newt talks about a madman getting his hands on nuclear weapons, I always assume he's talking about what would happen if he actually became the President.

9:29PM: Mitt is criticizing the President for not wanting Israel to start world war 3 with Iran. Yeah! What a dumbass!

9:30PM: Santorum says he's "been on the trail of Iran" for 8 years. For some reason, it immediately reminded me of elmer fudd hunting for bugs bunny. Shhh...wick's hunting wabbits.

9:32PM: My man Ron gets booed for trying to introduce facts into the Iran debate. Stupid Ron! Nobody wants to hear your facts.

9:34PM: Ron on Cuba sanctions..."50 years and Castro is still there. It doesn't work". Santorum added, "well not yet, give it another 50 or 75 years".

9:35PM: Santorum says President Obama is "timid". That's somewhat difficult for me to accept, considering Obama's whole shooting terrorists in the face policy.

9:36PM: Newt says we should have our allies "covertly" doing things. Does he know what "covertly" means? Does he know he's on TV?

9:40PM: Stop taking audience questions! What are they paying John King for? Did he not come prepared with questions? Does he need to tag Blitzer in?

9:41PM: I predict this will be a very bad moment for Santorum. He just explained his vote for no child left behind by saying it was against his principles, but sometimes you have to be a team player because "politics is a team sport". If the Obama campaign doesn't already have a commercial ready about how Santorum cares more about the Republican party then he cares about his own principles and the American people, somebody isn't doing their job.

9:45PM: Newt objects to building self-esteem in children over actually teaching them to read. He's right. It's terrible when you keep telling someone that he's "really smart" and "a big thinker" and "a genius" when he's actually just a fucking moron. It's actually kind of cruel.

9:51PM: Last question for each candidate...what is the biggest public misconception or myth about you right now?

9:52PM: Ron says it's a myth that he can't win. Sorry Ron, I wish you were right. You're not though.

9:53PM: By the time we got to Romney, he completing ignored the question and just gave his usual closing answer. When King pressed him on it, Mitt said he gets to give the answers he wants. That's not really how debates work, but OK.

King said a couple of times that this might be the last debate. We can always hope.

Let's Get a Few Things Straight

I'm annoyed.  I know a lot of religious people, and they're perfectly nice, but nothing in the news makes me angrier than when the religious people on TV get all up in arms about something stupid.  As a result, I've spent most of this week watching news for about 90 seconds at a time, because that's just about as long as I can stand it right now since every segment appears to be another story about how the President is forcing Catholics to fornicate with complete strangers while using birth control 15 times a day.  Let's get a few things straight.

First of all, prohibition against contraception isn't some "deeply held Catholic belief".  It's not in the magic book, it's just some rule church leaders made up later to ensure that we'd have little Catholic babies running around everywhere (which I guess I should be grateful for) and to ensure that they'd always have some sneaky ways to oppress women.

And don't try to tell me that they weren't aware of modern birth control methods back when the bible was written.  The magic book was supposedly written by the spacegod who knows everything, so that really shouldn't matter, should it? 

Even if this contraception thing was in the bible, I still wouldn't care.  This isn't some government imposition on religious freedom.  Practicing Catholics (and everyone else, for that matter) are still free to choose to use contraception or not use contraception whenever they'd like, and churches are still free to teach all the same nonsense they've always taught.

This isn't about freedom, it's about the opposite of freedom.  It's about employment law, and churches having to play by the same rules as every other employer.  It's about the ability of employers, religious or otherwise, to use their control over health coverage to impose their beliefs on employees.  Why is it that the freedom loving Republicans have no problem with this?  They're always yelling about the President taking away our freedoms.  Would they be OK with it if he called himself a reverend and wore a funny hat?

And while we're at it, the President is not hostile toward religion.  I'm hostile toward religion sometimes, like when I wonder why my tax dollars are going to some office of faith-based initiatives, or why I have to live in a country that has a national day of prayer.  And while we're at it, why do I have to put up with a Congress that has a chaplain?  I seem to have gotten a little off-track.  The point is, I'm hostile towards religion sometimes, I can't help it, but the President isn't.  Believe me, I'd notice.

Speaking of religion, Madonna is awful.  She's always been awful.  The superbowl halftime show was awful.  It's always been awful too.  And to be fair, Madonna was much better than the black eyed peas.  Do they come from a country where it's illegal to sing on key?  And speaking of the superbowl, the commercials were just as awful as Madonna.  None of them were funny, or clever, or even cute.  They were just awful.  Wow, I'm really off topic here.

Contraception isn't really my point, and neither is religion.  I certainly won't ever be working at a religiously affiliated anything.  For one thing, what if they googled me and found my blog?  But there are people out there, you know them as "Republicans", who are using this argument to further their claim that the President is engaged in a war on religion.  These people should be ashamed of themselves. 

This whole "war on religion" talking point is just a slightly more subtle way of suggesting that the President isn't really a Christian, so he isn't really an American.  After the last election, I thought the Republicans would realize their mistakes and spend these last few years coming up with, you know, policies and ideas.  Instead, most of the normal people left the party or stopped caring, the party got taken over by morons and they're doubling down on the nonsense. 

Instead of having a 2012 election about two competing ideas of what's best for the future of the country, we appear to be headed for a Republican platform about Obama's war on religion (nonsense), how tax cuts magically create jobs (more nonsense) and how the President who ordered people to shoot bin laden in the face is somehow weak on foreign policy (super nonsense). 

I've been looking forward to this election since the last one ended.  I love elections.  But as we get closer to this one, it seems like it's mostly going to suck.  I'm preparing for a swirling vortex of corporate superpac money and non-fact-based talking points.  I'm also preparing to not give money to either candidate, because I've just stopped listening.  In fact, I may not even vote for President when I go to the polls in November to vote for Elizabeth Warren (that's right, Elizabeth Warren is going to be my Senator.  When it happens, it'll be the first thing about any state that's better than anything about New York).

Well, I wouldn't vote for President, or I'd vote for a third party candidate for fun.  Except, the Republicans keep reminding me that they're theocrats, so I have to vote against them.  Not because I believe in the President that much anymore, but just because I'm annoyed.