Telemarketer From The NRA

You wouldn't say I have a fun job. I sit in an office, I do work. Sometimes people talk to me, sometimes funny things happen outside my window (like the time the facilities department here got one of their trucks stuck in the mud outside and then got a second truck stuck trying to get the first one out). For the most part, it's pretty boring. Every once in a while though, I get some fun at work, even just a few minutes is appreciated.

Today, I had a few minutes of fun, because I got a call from a telemarketer. Here's how the call went (approximately, I wasn't taking notes, but this is basically how it went):

Telemarketer: I'm glad I finally got in touch with you, I'm calling from the National Rifle Association. Sean, when was the last time you had a chance to get out and go hunting up in that part of Connecticut?
Me: Never (I might have already been laughing at him just a little at this point).
Telemarketer (undeterred by my giggling): Never? That's OK, most NRA members aren't hunters, they're just ordinary Americans concerned about protecting our 2nd amendment rights. Did you know that Attorney General Eric Holder is currently working on a law which would take all handguns and firearms out of the hands of law abiding citizens? This would mean the criminals would be the only ones left with guns.
Me: You're suggesting that the Obama administration has a secret plan to leave criminals as the only people in the country with guns? That sounds like a terrible plan.
Telemarketer (mostly ignoring me): Don't you think it's important to protect our second amendment rights?
Me: The second amendment doesn't have anything to do with personal gun ownership.
Telemarketer: Sure it does, the second amendment is the one that protects your right to keep and bare arms.
Me: I'm not a member of a well-regulated militia.
Telemarketer: Can I sign you up for a five year NRA membership for just $125? Or would you prefer the three year membership for just $85?
Me (laughing at him pretty audibly at this point): What? No.

At that point, the telemarketer hung up on me. I feel like getting a telemarketer to hang up on me is a pretty solid accomplishment. I only have a couple of comments:

First of all, telemarketer for the NRA has to be one of the worst jobs you could have, right? People have really strong opinions about guns, and some of those strong opinions are really negative. I can't imagine the words that guy probably gets called everyday, and based on his staunch adherence to his script, even when I was openly mocking the NRA's beliefs, I'd say it's possible he doesn't even care about gun rights.

Secondly, I've noticed I haven't been writing about politics too much lately, and I think this is why. I'm just tired of the nonsense. Barack Obama's secret plan to take guns away from all the law abiding citizens, leaving only criminals armed. I don't even know where to begin. Democrats aren't any better. MSNBC spent like three days trying to blame the BP oil spill on Dick Cheney.

This just in from the MSNBC news center: "Sometime between tomorrow and 5 billion years from now, the sun's nuclear fuel will run out. Fusion will cease and the sun will balloon to a red giant star before it's final death as a white dwarf. Any life left on Earth will die unless it can find some way to leave. Can we blame this on the Bush administration? You bet your ass we can!"

I'm still really interested in politics and, soon, I'll probably get back to paying close attention and writing about it sometimes. For now, I can't even laugh at Glenn Beck anymore. If you can watch Glenn for a whole hour and not laugh your ass off at least once, you know it's time for a little break.

The Night The Hype Died

I've never been a huge fan of Lebron James. I'm not exactly sure why, it may just be one of those irrational sports things. I've never liked Peyton Manning, I can't stand Tim Tebow, I'll tell anyone who will listen how overrated Cal Ripken was (seriously, pay me baseball player money and I'll show up to work everyday too). Add to that my long time rooting interest in the Celtics and games 5 and 6 of the eastern conference semifinals were, well, they were just fantastic. I won't even bother talking about game 5, it's been beaten to death in the media, a few comments on game six though.

I'm not sure how to react to Lebron's game 6 performance. You could look at the numbers (27 points, 19 boards, 10 assists) and say he couldn't have done any more, and you'd probably be right. Even if you look past the numbers, you have to give him credit for locking Paul Pierce down for most of the night (and most of the series, for that matter). After actually watching the game though, I have to say the numbers don't really reflect the way it looked. Lebron had his moments (including a number of crazy, "where did he come from?" rebounds), but he seemed to sort of fade in and out.

The best example came in the fourth quarter. The Celtics were up ten with around 10 minutes left. Lebron drilled two straight threes and I thought, "uh oh". At that point, I fully expected a 20-point quarter from Lebron and a 10-point Cavs win. Never happened. Instead, Lebron mysteriously disappeared for about four minutes. It was weird. I couldn't believe he didn't come out of the time out and hoist another three or charge to the bucket and draw a foul. Something to keep it going. So, you can't really blame Lebron when you look at the numbers, but he didn't exactly have his A-game either.

The end of the game was genuinely uncomfortable. The Cavs totally bailed on the last minute. They completely gave up. In his post-game comments, Lebron said his team left it all on the court (reading from his book of timely sports cliches). That was just patently false. They stopped trying with a minute to go, that's not leaving it all on the floor, that's going home with at least 1/48 of it. It left me wondering how Lebron could possibly come back to this team, this team that isn't only a team of quitters, but turned him into a quitter too.

Thus begins the summer of Lebron. And you know what? I think this is the best thing for him. They way the season ended, so jarring, so unexpected. The Cavs were exposed as a team that is nowhere near winning a title. There's no rational reason for him to stay in Cleveland now. The team stinks, the coach is awful and, well, let's face it, it's Cleveland. If you live in Cleveland, Lebron James is the only thing to see or care about. If you're Lebron James in Cleveland, that leaves you with nothing.

Lebron can go to the Knicks (if he cares more about his ego and his endorsements than he does about winning), he can go to the Bulls (if he wants to spend the rest of his life hearing about how he's no MJ), he can go to the Clippers (if he always wanted a catastrophic knee injury, surgery and months of grueling rehab just to get back to 80% of what he was) or, if he wants to win, he can go to the Nets.

The Nets have all the pieces you'd want around a star like Lebron, including a top four draft pick coming up. I'm sure they're hoping to get John Wall, and you can't lose with Wall. But I'd almost rather see them get the #2 or #3 pick and find a shooter. They already have a point guard, and Harris doesn't need to dominate the ball the way Wall seems to. Lebron needs to be in an offense where he's the ball handler, where he's the guy who keys the offense. He needs to run something like the triangle Kobe runs and MJ ran. I know Phil Jackson probably isn't leaving LA, but other coaches can get tapes of Laker games, right?

Sure, this would stick Lebron in Newark for a couple of years. First of all, remember, he's currently stuck in Cleveland. Secondly, Newark is pretty close to the only real city in the world, it's not like he'll be required to spend his free time in Newark. Most importantly, it's only two years. If I can survive in Connecticut for two and a half years, Lebron can do two in Newark.

The real point is the opportunity Lebron has this summer. Ever since high school, other people have been writing his story and he's been acting out the part as best he could. I like to call him the Hype King, but most of the hype isn't really his fault. Sure, he embraced it, but the alternative was to shy away and look like a coward. Free agency doesn't just give him the chance to earn a ton of money, which he'll do wherever he goes. It gives him the chance to pick his spot and start over. The chance to go where he wants, with the coach he wants and the kind of team he wants. The chance to write his own story. Just the king, without the hype.

I Know

I know I need more hockey in my life.
I know I could train a chimp to do the job of a baseball manager.
I know my chimp-managed team would win at least 90% of the games it would have won with a regular human manager.
I know some team should try that soon.
I know the Raiders releasing Jamarcus Russell doesn't really qualify as news.
I know Joe McKnight in the 4th round was the steal of the NFL draft.
I know Santonio Holmes has elite talent.
I know Ladainian Tomlinson can still find the end zone, even though
I know he can't get there as quickly as he used to.
I know the Jets replaced the awful work of Lito Sheppard with a really good trade and a first round draft pick.
I know the Jets look just good enough to totally crush their fans next season.
I know "los Suns" is not how you say "the Suns" in Spanish.
I know if we really wanted to keep illegal immigrants from Mexico out of the country, we'd stop lining the boarder with our stupidest states.
I know the Jazz can't beat the Lakers, but
I know the Spurs can.
I know there's is a 0% chance of me seeing Sex and the City 2, and
I know there are some undeniable benefits of being single.
I know you get tazzzzzed if you run onto the field in Philadelphia.
I know Philly fans have been collectively asking for it since about 1968.
I know I should actually say tasered, but the z's add some onomatopoetic value.
I know if you don't want to be tasered, you should just stay in your seat and not be a douchebag.
I know anyone who thinks that cop did something wrong should be tasered.
I know the Baltimore Orioles should try tasering some of their players, it couldn't hurt.
I know pimpin' ain't easy, but
I know it's necessary.
I know I still don't care about the world cup, and
I know ESPN can't make me.
I know Ubaldo Jimenez is leading the National League in ERA.
I know it's not a fluke.
I know the Hartford Whalers should move back to Hartford.
I know people here in Connecticut think college sports are real sports, and
I know they also think all the pizza here doesn't taste like crap.
I know the Red Sox will get a lot better, and
I know they'll probably still finish third.
I know Lebron James has an elbow booboo, because he is apparently also the king of passive-aggressive whining.
I know the chances of Lebron playing for the Knicks next season are roughly equivalent to the chances of me playing for the Knicks next season.
I know Steve Nash is almost as overrated as John Stockton was. You heard me.
I know I'd take Allen Iverson over either one of those guys.
I know Floyd Mayweather Jr. is an even better fighter than you think he is.
I know once you grow up, Cinco de Mayo is just another crappy day.
I know the same can be said for Thursday nights.
I know Dwight Howard should spend less time bitching about the refs and more time practicing free throws.
I know the refs wouldn't foul Lebron James out of a playoff game if he carried a baseball bat onto the court with him and committed six aggravated assaults.
I know Lebron hasn't accomplished anything that should make him more special than Dwight.
I know NASCAR is far more watchable than it has a right to be.
I know hockey needs to get back on ESPN, like right now. Seriously, I just went down the list in my head of sports, pseudo-sports, games or anything else that might be considered a sport-like competition. I was trying to find the next most popular thing, after hockey, that I never see happening on ESPN. You know how far I got? Chess! Come on!
I know the Red Wings can come all the way back against San Jose.
I know they probably won't.
I know we need more Canadian hockey teams.
I know everyone should be watching ESPN's 30 for 30 series.
I know you can't win a championship if Dirk Nowitzki is your best player.
I know Barry Zito is 5-0 with a 1.49 ERA.
I know I would have bet everything I have against ever typing that last sentence.
I know horse racing is stupid.
I know Tiger Woods is still the best golfer in the world.
I know I'm sick and tired of these monkeyfightin' snakes on this monday-to-friday plane.
I know we're 27 games in and I still can't look at Nick Johnson's mustache without laughing.
I know David Ortiz is done.
I know I thought that this time last year too.
I know the Orlando Magic haven't lost a playoff game yet.
I know cheerleaders would work for baseball.
I know satan wasn't really sent to hell by god, he's just hiding there from Chuck Norris.
I know the Knicks are still an embarrassment, and
I know Isaiah Thomas should never be allowed back into New York City under any circumstances.
I know being a Yankee fan means I'm supposed to love Joe Torre and Derek Jeter, and
I know I just can't do it.
I know nothing about cricket.
I know Jimmy Clausen was the best QB in the draft.
I know hockey needs more fighting and less warm weather.
I know I need less warm weather too.
I know Mike Tyson doesn't get enough credit for how good he was in his prime.
I know Larry Holmes doesn't either.
I know MTV invented reality television as we know it.
I know MTV should be punished somehow for that, no fine would be too big.
I know Herm Edwards would make a good college coach.
I know it's hard to hold a candle in the cold November rain.
I know teams shouldn't be allowed to change their jerseys/logos without some kind of fan approval process.
I know Stephen Strasburg is the real deal.
I know the Nationals will find a way to screw it up.
I know I still like the Blackhawks to win the cup.
I know this turned out better than I thought it would.