Why Are You So Bad At Your Job?

I've been thinking about this for a while and game 6 of the NBA finals was sort of a tipping point for me.  First, Tony Parker clearly got pushed when he tried to make a game winning shot at the end of regulation.  He also flopped, but still, he was fouled first.  Then, Manu Ginobili got mauled by more than one Miami player on his way to attempting a lay-up near the end of overtime.  Manu also took about 4 steps.  Neither one of those things drew a whistle.  Then Danny Green got tackled by Chris Bosh while trying to make a game tying three at the buzzer.  Van Gundy commented that he was OK with the no call but "is that a foul in the first 46 minutes of the game? Definitely!".  That's not how rules work Jeff!

Quick sidenote on the NBA finals.  I guess I'm rooting for the Spurs, but I kind of don't like either of these teams and I feel like neither outcome will save me from a summer of having to hear about Lebron all the time, so I mostly don't care who wins. 

Anyway, back to the point...why is it so hard to find competent officiating for major professional sports?  It's an honest question.  I sometimes feel like the NBA is secretly only allowed to recruit referees from prisons that are full of prisoners whose crimes somehow related to their complete inability to understand the rules of basketball.

Before we get to actual sports though, a quick honorable mention for soccer.  We'll talk about the NBA more in a little bit and when we do, just remember that flopping started in soccer.  Soccer referees throughout the world were so incompetent at discerning the difference between an actual foul and a flop that flopping became something of a soccer tradition, like 0-0 ties or standing around and not doing anything while the game is actually happening.  The influx of European players to the NBA was immediately accompanied by the advent of NBA flopping (I'm looking at you Vlade Divac).  There's no excuse for American referees to be just as useless as European soccer referees, but still, like most things, some of this is all soccer's fault.

Let's start with the NHL because, as usual, hockey is better than everything else.  I honestly can't remember the last time I walked away from a hockey game thinking that the officials had influenced the outcome of the game in any real way.  Hockey officials are the exception that prove the rule.  You could read this and say I just hate all referees, and you could be right, except you're not, because I don't hate hockey refs.

To be fair, there's definitely some built in advantage here.  Most hockey calls are relatively subjective and the NHL has taken concrete action in the rules to avoid flopping and exaggerating to get calls.  Also, most hockey commentators are Canadian, so they're generally pretty nice abooot stuff and they don't kill the refs too much even when they do miss a call. 

Hockey officials also get extra bonus points because A) if you count each skate individually, hockey players are carrying three deadly weapons at all times and B) hockey officials have to know how to skate, making them the only officials I can think of who actually have a skill. 

One more important point here.  Since, when you grow up, you learn that none of your dreams actually come true, I don't live in Canada.  Our syrupy neighbors to the north take hockey at least as seriously as we take football, and I imagine that if I were to walk into a Winnipeg sports bar in January I'd hear Canadians using their awesome accents to politely complain about all the bad calls in last night's Jets game.  So maybe it's all just a matter of perspective. 

Speaking of football, the NFL is sort of a mixed bag.  On one hand, I feel like there's been a disputable or debatable call on every football play I've ever seen.  The NFL provides a constant stream of questionable officiating, and I'm not sure I've ever fully agreed with a call in an NFL game. 

But the thing is, I'm not sure I've ever fully disagreed with a call in an NFL game either.  Officiating football is really hard.  Take a look at the basic situation for NFL refs:
-Players basically assault each other on every play and it's perfectly legal...
-except for the quarterback, who has like one square foot of area where you're allowed to touch him.  -I'm not sure if anybody in the world is 100% clear on when you're allowed to hit a receiver.
-Commentators constantly point out that there's holding on every play, which seems true enough, but you obviously can't call it on every play. 
-The rules change slightly every time someone gets another concussion.
-And there are all these complicated extra rules about eligible receivers and things happening down-field and whatnot. 

It's a lot, is what I'm saying.  Watching a group of guys try to properly officiate an NFL game is a lot like watching your dog try to work the microwave.  He's not going to get it right, but it's not really his fault either.  Plus it's football, so it's not like we're going to stop watching, so who really cares.

Now we come to baseball and this is where I start to get annoyed.  Baseball umpires have the easiest job I could possibly imagine.  First of all, most baseball rules were written 150 years ago.  People were less creative back then, so you have really simple rules like "if the ball beats the runner to first base, the runner is out" or "if a fielder catches the ball before it hits the ground, the batter is out" or "women aren't allowed to vote", etc. 

Secondly, if baseball were moving any slower, the games would be happening in reverse.  Baseball umpires are the only officials I can think of that literally never have to worry about watching more than one thing at the same time, and that's because there are four of them (six in the post-season) and there's almost never more than one thing happening at the same time.  Unlike other sports, baseball doesn't really have things happening off the ball that the officials have to worry about.

So, to recap, the job of a baseball umpire can be summed up as "watching the shiny ball and describing what happens around it".  And yet, way too many baseball umpires are just terrible at it.  I honestly feel like you could train four smart horses to umpire a baseball game and you wouldn't necessarily notice the difference in call quality.  I'm also 100% sure baseball umpires could be 100% replaced by some well placed sensors, a locator chip in the ball and a computer.  Why haven't we done this yet?

Finally, we come to the NBA.  Why is every basketball game I watch an officiating catastrophe?  I don't even know where to start.  You get two steps when you pick up your dribble.  TWO!  Can NBA referees not count to three?  I could replace NBA refs with the smartest kids in a nursery school and get better calls on traveling violations.

And the blocking/charging calls.  I know, that's not so easy, but still.  If you put me in a room where I couldn't see the game and just told me whenever there was a blocking/charging call situation and I just flipped a coin to decide which one to call, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between my results and the results we get from NBA refs.  You know I'm right about that.

And the flopping.  So much flopping, so easy to fix.  Just stop making the calls.  Next time a defender dives to the ground like he was shot trying to draw a charge, don't call a charge, or a block.  Just let them keep playing so the offense gets two points because one of the guys on defense is rolling around on the floor like a moron. 

And then there's Lebron.  Yes, Lebron gets his own paragraph because watching NBA referees officiate Lebron is one of the most frustrating things I've ever seen in sports.  Every time Lebron goes to the basket he uses his off hand to clear out his defender (which is super effective for him, because he might be the strongest person in the history of everything).  Not only does he never get called for this, but half the time the defender gets called for a foul for viciously assaulting Lebron's left elbow with his face.  I sometimes think NBA referees all have a secret memo from David Stern which reads, in part, "Our research shows that people like watching Lebron score, so if you see anyone trying to stop him from doing that, just call them for something, we don't really care what". 

You know why people can't stop spinning conspiracy theories about the NBA using officials to manipulate games and playoff series results?  It's because people watching are just trying to think of a plausible explanation for how the officiating could be so consistently awful.  And the most frustrating part is, we never get an explanation.  Why are referees the only people in the world who never have to be accountable for their job performance?  Why don't they have to do a press conference at the end of the game like coaches and players do?  Just once, I'd like to see a reporter get to raise his hand in a press room and ask the lead official of an NBA crew "Why are you so bad at your job?" 

Little Things

Why is it that the NHL seems to be able to nail all the little things, but is completely incapable of getting any of the big things right?  Tonight I watched game 7 between the Rangers and Senators (I tried to watch the Panthers/Devils game 7 too, but I just couldn't bring myself to care so I did this instead).  At the beginning of the game was the traditional singing of the anthems, for both the United States and Canada (because, apparently, Ottawa is the capital of Canada.  How adorable, they have a capital and a song and everything). 

Did they get some idiot-ass pop star to sing the anthems?  Or some stupid little kid?  Hell no!  It was some grumpy-looking old dude who looked like he should be taking your hat at the Bada Bing.  Nailed it!  The NHL gets a lot of these little things right.  New rules to make the game better after the lock-out, overtime shoot-outs so sports fans never have to endure another tie (unless Bud Selig decides to ruin another all-star game, or unless you count soccer fans as sports fans, which I obviously don't), the way Canadian announcers pronounce the name Hossa.  Nailed!  Nailed!  Nailed!

You could argue that rule changes were a big thing, but then that would ruin my whole premise so shut up please.  All of these good little things just serve to infuriate me more when they screw up the big things.  Like, why would you allow your playoffs to be scheduled in such a way that two of your game sevens have to go head to head with the first round of the NFL draft?  The one night between the superbowl and September when the NFL comes back to completely dominate sports TV.  Even if you went up against the 2nd and 3rd rounds you'd have a fighting chance.  Nobody cares about those anyway. 

Quick sidenote, what's with the NFL's hard-on for Thursdays?  I loved the old Saturday-Sunday drafts.  They went on forever, the whole second day with the B team commentators was hilarious, it was just a fun weekend.  Now, the draft starts on Thursday, which meant I had to try flipping back and forth between fantastic episodes of Community and 30 Rock and the draft just to keep up with what was going on.  Who knows how many idiotic things Chris Berman said that I'll never get to hear.  I flipped over once and caught the end of him screaming incoherently, but about what?  I'll never know...I'll NEVER know.

Plus, we're heading toward a season in which we have Thursday games almost every week.  Thursday games are the worst.  They ruin my fantasy team and the games themselves are always terrible because the players are all only half-healed from the week before.  WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH ROGER GODDELL AND THURSDAYS???  I hate this shit more than anything else in sports right now!  Where was I?

Oh yeah, hockey.  See?  The NHL can't even keep my attention for more than three paragraphs, and I love hockey.  Playoff scheduling isn't the only problem.  Why do they continue to insist upon wearing dark jerseys at home now?  I hate that almost as much as I hate Thursday football.  It doesn't look right and it never will.  How stupid did it look in Phoenix when the crowd did the white-out for playoff games (awesome gimmick, by the way), but the home team was wearing red?  Very stupid, is the answer to my query. 

And why is there still a team in Phoenix anyway? or San Jose? or Anaheim? or Tampa? or Miami? or Carolina? or Columbus, OH (the fact that I have to add OH there because otherwise you wouldn't know what I was talking about because nobody gives a shit about Columbus except Ohio State fans pretty much illustrates my point).  I could go on and on. 

The point is, I don't see why the NHL can't fix these problems.  Move the San Jose team to Quebec.  Combine the Anaheim and Columbus franchises and move them to Saskatoon or Regina (I feel like they should call the team the Saskatoon Saskatoons).  Move the Florida Panthers to Seattle (seriously, why hasn't Seattle ever had a hockey team?  Is it too close to Vancouver?  What am I missing?).  Move Carolina back to Hartford (obviously).  Move the Phoenix team to some other city in Ontario.  I honestly believe Ontario could support 8 NHL teams if we asked them to.

Then, you just let them wear white at home, like they're supposed to, and try not to schedule your best games when nobody is watching.  How hard is that?  I guess what I'm saying is, I would enjoy being King of the NHL (which is a better title than commissioner, which is obviously useless), and they should probably hire me now.  Gary Bettman can have my job if he wants it.

Playoff Picks and Random Comments

Before I start with my NFL playoff picks and some other random NFL comments, I'd like to take this opportunity to congratulate the baseball writers on putting Roberto Alomar and Bert Blyleven into the Hall of Fame. It only took them 2 and 14 tries respectively. If you want my extended thoughts on Alomar's case, scroll a few paragraphs down into this thing I wrote right around this time last year:
http://somethingclever13.blogspot.com/2010/01/hot-stove-reloaded.html

OK, so, first a disclaimer. I couldn't be worse at picking football games. I don't know why. This season, I had the redzone network (awesome, by the way. The best TV invention since color. I was so disappointed I couldn't get Direct TV and Sunday ticket in my apartment building, but redzone is like 100 times better, it does the channel flipping for you), so I'm hoping that makes me better informed this time around, but I wouldn't bet on it. Seriously, if anyone reading this is thinking about considering my picks when they bet on the games, you've been warned.

New Orleans vs. Seattle
Prediction: Saints 91, Seahawks 3
OK, OK...91 might be a little high, but I'm hearing people on TV and the radio all week talking about how Seattle has nothing to lose, how they're so tough at home, how this game will be closer than you think. Really? In two home games against playoff teams this year, Seattle got hammered by a combined score of 76-42, and that doesn't even count the 41-7 home loss to the Giants (that's right, and the Giants are watching from home this weekend).

The five home wins? Arizona, Carolina, San Francisco, St. Louis and San Diego (week three, and we all know San Diego doesn't start trying until at least week five). Not exactly murderer's row. I'll take the Saints, and if I did bet on football, you couldn't set the line high enough to keep me away.

Speaking of the NFC West, how many times in one season can I tune into the same NFL team, look at the QB and think "who the f*ck is that guy?" Answer, courtesy of the Arizona Cardinals: Three, and I'm not even counting Derek Anderson. This whole division was a mess. The fact that Seattle gets a home game is a catastrophe. I heard someone on the radio joke that Pete Carroll's Seahawks couldn't win the Rose Bowl this year. I'm not sure they could win the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl.

Baltimore vs. Kansas City
Prediction: Chiefs 27, Ravens 24
Baltimore's defense ain't what it used to be, and unlike Seattle, Kansas City really is tough at home. Their only home loss was last week's inexplicable disaster against Oakland. Either you believe that was a fluke, in which case KC wins this game close, or you believe last week was a sign of things to come, in which case Baltimore wins by 40. I'll take the Chiefs.

Speaking of the AFC West, the legend of Saint Tebow is growing exponentially. Much like god, Christians believe in Tim Tebow's talent even though nobody can actually see it (What?! Don't make that face at me! This isn't one of those times when I say god isn't real, I'm just saying you can't see him, that's what the whole faith thing is all about).

And speaking of the AFC North, can I be the one millionth person to make a joke about how you can't build your team around two aging wide-outs with reality TV shows? Can I be the two millionth person to realize Carson Palmer is completely finished? I just read a story on ESPN.com about how Marvin Lewis had demands the Bengals needed to meet if they wanted him to stay. Seriously? What was his pitch? Just give him five more years and he'll get them to the brink of mediocrity?

Read the above paragraph and smile, because for a while it looked like the Bengals might really be going somewhere, but now I feel confident in saying, the Bengals are back, baby! It really wouldn't be December without the chance to watch the Bengals pathetically limp toward the end of another disappointing season.

Indianapolis vs. New York
Prediction: Jets 31, Colts 23
I don't trust the Jets, and their defense isn't as good as it's supposed to be. Every time a team gets into 3rd and long against the Jets, the commentators tell me how the Jets are the one team you don't want to be in 3rd and long against. Then they blitz 7 guys and give up the first down. Having said that, I really don't like the Colts, and there's just something fishy about Indy this season. They've never looked right.

Speaking of the AFC South, is it just me, or is Jeff Fisher the most overrated coach in any sport? 6 winning seasons out of 16, one superbowl appearance, no championships. What am I missing? He already ruined Vince Young, please fire him before he squanders Chris Johnson's prime.

Philadelphia vs. Green Bay
Prediction: Packers 41, Eagles 31
This was the toughest one. The truth is, I have no idea what Michael Vick is going to do, and neither does anyone else. Could he win this game by himself? You bet your ass he could. But Aaron Rodgers is pretty good too, and while the Green Bay defense should be good enough to slow Vick down a little, I don't see how the Eagles slow Rodgers down.

Speaking of the NFC East and the Eagles, I have no desire to inhabit a world in which Rex Grossman is a better QB than Donovan McNabb, but here we are. I imagine Rex is as surprised as the rest of us. If you're Mike Shanahan, how fast would you take a do-over on taking this job? It's going to be a long however-many years it takes Mike Shanahan to get himself fired in Washington.

And speaking of Pennsylvania football, how often do you think Roger Goodell wakes up in a cold sweat from a nightmare about a Steelers vs. Eagles superbowl? Two weeks of press conferences and stories featuring Michael "big bow wow" Vick and Ben "no means maybe" Roethlisbozo. At least Vick spent some time in jail, but I still understand if some animal rights groups want to come to superbowl week and yell stuff at him. I just hope some people will come yell at the Bozo too.

Maybe if I get a couple of these right I'll do more picks next week, but for now, I still like Green Bay to get to the superbowl if they get past Vick, because I don't trust the Falcons or the Bears. In the AFC, I'm giving up on the Ravens, I can't see a way to pick against New England right now. In fact, I had the Packers winning the whole thing when I made my pre-season picks, but I think I like the Pats now, which probably means they'll find a way to lose to the Jets next week.

The Night The Hype Died

I've never been a huge fan of Lebron James. I'm not exactly sure why, it may just be one of those irrational sports things. I've never liked Peyton Manning, I can't stand Tim Tebow, I'll tell anyone who will listen how overrated Cal Ripken was (seriously, pay me baseball player money and I'll show up to work everyday too). Add to that my long time rooting interest in the Celtics and games 5 and 6 of the eastern conference semifinals were, well, they were just fantastic. I won't even bother talking about game 5, it's been beaten to death in the media, a few comments on game six though.

I'm not sure how to react to Lebron's game 6 performance. You could look at the numbers (27 points, 19 boards, 10 assists) and say he couldn't have done any more, and you'd probably be right. Even if you look past the numbers, you have to give him credit for locking Paul Pierce down for most of the night (and most of the series, for that matter). After actually watching the game though, I have to say the numbers don't really reflect the way it looked. Lebron had his moments (including a number of crazy, "where did he come from?" rebounds), but he seemed to sort of fade in and out.

The best example came in the fourth quarter. The Celtics were up ten with around 10 minutes left. Lebron drilled two straight threes and I thought, "uh oh". At that point, I fully expected a 20-point quarter from Lebron and a 10-point Cavs win. Never happened. Instead, Lebron mysteriously disappeared for about four minutes. It was weird. I couldn't believe he didn't come out of the time out and hoist another three or charge to the bucket and draw a foul. Something to keep it going. So, you can't really blame Lebron when you look at the numbers, but he didn't exactly have his A-game either.

The end of the game was genuinely uncomfortable. The Cavs totally bailed on the last minute. They completely gave up. In his post-game comments, Lebron said his team left it all on the court (reading from his book of timely sports cliches). That was just patently false. They stopped trying with a minute to go, that's not leaving it all on the floor, that's going home with at least 1/48 of it. It left me wondering how Lebron could possibly come back to this team, this team that isn't only a team of quitters, but turned him into a quitter too.

Thus begins the summer of Lebron. And you know what? I think this is the best thing for him. They way the season ended, so jarring, so unexpected. The Cavs were exposed as a team that is nowhere near winning a title. There's no rational reason for him to stay in Cleveland now. The team stinks, the coach is awful and, well, let's face it, it's Cleveland. If you live in Cleveland, Lebron James is the only thing to see or care about. If you're Lebron James in Cleveland, that leaves you with nothing.

Lebron can go to the Knicks (if he cares more about his ego and his endorsements than he does about winning), he can go to the Bulls (if he wants to spend the rest of his life hearing about how he's no MJ), he can go to the Clippers (if he always wanted a catastrophic knee injury, surgery and months of grueling rehab just to get back to 80% of what he was) or, if he wants to win, he can go to the Nets.

The Nets have all the pieces you'd want around a star like Lebron, including a top four draft pick coming up. I'm sure they're hoping to get John Wall, and you can't lose with Wall. But I'd almost rather see them get the #2 or #3 pick and find a shooter. They already have a point guard, and Harris doesn't need to dominate the ball the way Wall seems to. Lebron needs to be in an offense where he's the ball handler, where he's the guy who keys the offense. He needs to run something like the triangle Kobe runs and MJ ran. I know Phil Jackson probably isn't leaving LA, but other coaches can get tapes of Laker games, right?

Sure, this would stick Lebron in Newark for a couple of years. First of all, remember, he's currently stuck in Cleveland. Secondly, Newark is pretty close to the only real city in the world, it's not like he'll be required to spend his free time in Newark. Most importantly, it's only two years. If I can survive in Connecticut for two and a half years, Lebron can do two in Newark.

The real point is the opportunity Lebron has this summer. Ever since high school, other people have been writing his story and he's been acting out the part as best he could. I like to call him the Hype King, but most of the hype isn't really his fault. Sure, he embraced it, but the alternative was to shy away and look like a coward. Free agency doesn't just give him the chance to earn a ton of money, which he'll do wherever he goes. It gives him the chance to pick his spot and start over. The chance to go where he wants, with the coach he wants and the kind of team he wants. The chance to write his own story. Just the king, without the hype.

I Know

I know I need more hockey in my life.
I know I could train a chimp to do the job of a baseball manager.
I know my chimp-managed team would win at least 90% of the games it would have won with a regular human manager.
I know some team should try that soon.
I know the Raiders releasing Jamarcus Russell doesn't really qualify as news.
I know Joe McKnight in the 4th round was the steal of the NFL draft.
I know Santonio Holmes has elite talent.
I know Ladainian Tomlinson can still find the end zone, even though
I know he can't get there as quickly as he used to.
I know the Jets replaced the awful work of Lito Sheppard with a really good trade and a first round draft pick.
I know the Jets look just good enough to totally crush their fans next season.
I know "los Suns" is not how you say "the Suns" in Spanish.
I know if we really wanted to keep illegal immigrants from Mexico out of the country, we'd stop lining the boarder with our stupidest states.
I know the Jazz can't beat the Lakers, but
I know the Spurs can.
I know there's is a 0% chance of me seeing Sex and the City 2, and
I know there are some undeniable benefits of being single.
I know you get tazzzzzed if you run onto the field in Philadelphia.
I know Philly fans have been collectively asking for it since about 1968.
I know I should actually say tasered, but the z's add some onomatopoetic value.
I know if you don't want to be tasered, you should just stay in your seat and not be a douchebag.
I know anyone who thinks that cop did something wrong should be tasered.
I know the Baltimore Orioles should try tasering some of their players, it couldn't hurt.
I know pimpin' ain't easy, but
I know it's necessary.
I know I still don't care about the world cup, and
I know ESPN can't make me.
I know Ubaldo Jimenez is leading the National League in ERA.
I know it's not a fluke.
I know the Hartford Whalers should move back to Hartford.
I know people here in Connecticut think college sports are real sports, and
I know they also think all the pizza here doesn't taste like crap.
I know the Red Sox will get a lot better, and
I know they'll probably still finish third.
I know Lebron James has an elbow booboo, because he is apparently also the king of passive-aggressive whining.
I know the chances of Lebron playing for the Knicks next season are roughly equivalent to the chances of me playing for the Knicks next season.
I know Steve Nash is almost as overrated as John Stockton was. You heard me.
I know I'd take Allen Iverson over either one of those guys.
I know Floyd Mayweather Jr. is an even better fighter than you think he is.
I know once you grow up, Cinco de Mayo is just another crappy day.
I know the same can be said for Thursday nights.
I know Dwight Howard should spend less time bitching about the refs and more time practicing free throws.
I know the refs wouldn't foul Lebron James out of a playoff game if he carried a baseball bat onto the court with him and committed six aggravated assaults.
I know Lebron hasn't accomplished anything that should make him more special than Dwight.
I know NASCAR is far more watchable than it has a right to be.
I know hockey needs to get back on ESPN, like right now. Seriously, I just went down the list in my head of sports, pseudo-sports, games or anything else that might be considered a sport-like competition. I was trying to find the next most popular thing, after hockey, that I never see happening on ESPN. You know how far I got? Chess! Come on!
I know the Red Wings can come all the way back against San Jose.
I know they probably won't.
I know we need more Canadian hockey teams.
I know everyone should be watching ESPN's 30 for 30 series.
I know you can't win a championship if Dirk Nowitzki is your best player.
I know Barry Zito is 5-0 with a 1.49 ERA.
I know I would have bet everything I have against ever typing that last sentence.
I know horse racing is stupid.
I know Tiger Woods is still the best golfer in the world.
I know I'm sick and tired of these monkeyfightin' snakes on this monday-to-friday plane.
I know we're 27 games in and I still can't look at Nick Johnson's mustache without laughing.
I know David Ortiz is done.
I know I thought that this time last year too.
I know the Orlando Magic haven't lost a playoff game yet.
I know cheerleaders would work for baseball.
I know satan wasn't really sent to hell by god, he's just hiding there from Chuck Norris.
I know the Knicks are still an embarrassment, and
I know Isaiah Thomas should never be allowed back into New York City under any circumstances.
I know being a Yankee fan means I'm supposed to love Joe Torre and Derek Jeter, and
I know I just can't do it.
I know nothing about cricket.
I know Jimmy Clausen was the best QB in the draft.
I know hockey needs more fighting and less warm weather.
I know I need less warm weather too.
I know Mike Tyson doesn't get enough credit for how good he was in his prime.
I know Larry Holmes doesn't either.
I know MTV invented reality television as we know it.
I know MTV should be punished somehow for that, no fine would be too big.
I know Herm Edwards would make a good college coach.
I know it's hard to hold a candle in the cold November rain.
I know teams shouldn't be allowed to change their jerseys/logos without some kind of fan approval process.
I know Stephen Strasburg is the real deal.
I know the Nationals will find a way to screw it up.
I know I still like the Blackhawks to win the cup.
I know this turned out better than I thought it would.

Re-Mixed Bag

There's a lot going on in the sports world these days, but nothing I feel like writing a whole lot about. So, let's try another round of made-up questions from made-up readers.

Q: You're always going on and on about how great hockey is, so how come no hockey playoff picks? - Homer, Springfield.
A: Honestly, I'm just bitter about not being able to see the playoffs on TV. If I had made picks, I would have picked the Blackhawks over the Sabres in six. I like Buffalo because they've got the best goaltender. As for Chicago, I watched almost every Olympic hockey game. Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane were the two best non-goaltenders in that tournament. They both play in Chicago.

Q: Any thoughts on Sam Bradford going number one in the NFL draft yesterday? - George J., the future.
A: I can't believe the Rams didn't take Ndamukong Suh. That's going to wind up being a HUGE mistake, an Oden/Durant level mistake. If you don't believe me, just ask the pile of bodies Suh left on the field after every Nebraska game last year. That dude is a monster, QB's in the NFC North better starting running now.

PS...I demand that Fox use Johnny Cash's A Boy Named Sue at least once during every Lions' game next year. I demand it.

PPS...yes, Greg Oden is the new Sam Bowie. Congratulations to Portland for making the exact same mistake twice. That really takes...umm...what's the oppostive of savvy.

Q: The Denver Broncos took Tim Tebow with the 25th pick in the NFL draft. Do you think that was a bad idea? - Eric, South Park, CO.
A: Bad idea? Trying to hook up with a stripper is a bad idea. Driving to the store to get cigarettes when you're so drunk that you want cigarettes even though you don't smoke is a bad idea. Tim Tebow in the first round was a terrible idea. Denver just blew a 1st round pick on a guy that will never be a starting quarterback in the NFL. Ever. Congratulations Broncos fans, I hope you enjoy the white Tommy Frazier, or as he was formerly known, Eric Crouch.

Q: If your favorite NFL team needed a QB, would you want them to give up some high draft picks for Ben Roethlisberger? - Peter, Quahog, RI.
A: Honestly, no. I'm not usually someone who cares about character, but the Roethlisbozo is a meat-head frat boy who doesn't appear to have the ability or the inclination to grow up. It's not like this is his first stupid incident. I have no confidence that this will be his last conduct suspension, so I'd stay away.

Q: You're a New York guy. Can you give me a good reason Mets' fans shouldn't all kill themselves? - Lion-o, ummm, I don't know where the Thundercats were from, my childhood?
A: Actually, I can, no fooling. Mike Pelfrey. I've seen every Pelfrey start this year, and this doesn't look like a hot start or a fluke to me. Pelfrey looks to be in total control out there, he looks like he figured something out. I think he'll finish the year with an ERA right around 3 and 15-18 wins. Considering how young he is, I think that's enough for Mets' fans to put down the cyanide. Come on, put it down. There you go.

Q: After almost completely leaving him out of all of your baseball previews, what are your thoughts about Jason Heyward? - Stan, Langley Falls, VA.
A: He's like a cross between Barry Bonds, Jesus and Superman. Seriously though, I'm pretty impressed. I can't wait for him to become a Yankee. Maybe we should trade Nick Swisher now just to make room.

Q: What's the most surprising thing about the baseball season so far? - Stewie, Quahog, RI.
I'd have to say it's the Red Sox. They really look awful. It's early, and Boston has the pieces to add players if they need to, but Tampa and the Yankees both look like 100-win teams. Boston can't afford to get too far back. If the Sox can't get it going, we could see the rare May trade.

Q: You picked the Washington Wizards to make it to the second round of the NBA playoffs. Is that the stupidest thing you've ever said? - Stan, South Park, CO.
A: I may have said something stupider at some point in my life, but it has to be the stupidest thing I've ever put in writing. In my defense, many players who started the year in Washington have a solid chance of going to the second round, maybe even further.

Q: Any thoughts on the Masters? - Pinky and the Brain, some kind of science lab.
A: I was rooting for Tiger for four days, right up until Phil won and hugged his wife and I remembered that Mickelson stuck by his wife when she got cancer and Tiger had sex with anything that moved. I guess what I'm saying is, hooray for Phil!

Q: Now that the playoffs have started, how are you feeling about your NBA picks? - Cleveland, Stoolbend, VA.
A: Pretty good. If you take out my previously mentioned disastrous Wizards prediction, I actually did a decent job, including being dead on about the Durants giving the Lakers a hard time in a first round series. I still like my Spurs-Magic finals, too.

I know the Spurs are a 7 seed, but I think they can roll past the Mavs and whoever they get in round two. I know the Lakers are still the favorite, but I've watched all three of their playoff games, something just looks off. The Spurs have the look of a team that's putting it together at the right time.

Then there's the Magic. I'd love to see the Bulls find a way to take four games from Cleveland, but it's probably not going to happen. I'm sure we're heading for the inevitable Magic-Cavs conference final. Betting on Vince Carter is basically like playing a slot machine, but I'm sticking with my pick. Magic over the Hype Kings in six.

Why Can't We Have Nice Things?

Why do we always have to tinker with everything? We always have to try and make everything in sports bigger and better and more profitable. Why can't we ever just have a nice thing and keep it that way?

Two weeks ago the baseball season started. Opening day for baseball is easily one of the best 10 sports days of the year, hands down. But we don't really have opening day anymore, do we? Nope. We have opening Sunday night. This year, we got the Yankees and the Red Sox (because the country hasn't already seen enough of them) on Sunday night in Boston. There's already something crappy about night baseball (as compared to day baseball), starting the season with it is double crappy.

Next Thursday is the first round of the NFL draft. I'll watch, because I'm a man and thus legally required to watch anything NFL-related. Up until this year, the NFL draft was on a weekend, and it was kind of cool. I could never really explain why it was so fascinating, but it was. It was two days of non-stop football, except without any football. It sounds unwatchable, but it was great.

Now? Thursday night is round one, and then Friday is rounds two and three, then Saturday is the rest. What? Why not just have one pick a night every night for the rest of the year? Why not add a few rounds so we have 365 picks and just make it non-stop? Every night, all the time, one NFL pick. How about not televising it at all? Keep all the picks secret until opening week and it's a big surprise for everyone. Sure, you'd have to cancel the pre-season to do that, but no one gives a crap about the pre-season anyway.

And speaking of opening week, don't even get me started on the first week of the NFL. Most people, if they had a time machine, they'd go back and stop John Wilkes Boothe from killing Lincoln, or they'd go kill Hitler before he took power in Germany. Those things would be nice and all, but I might just use my time machine to go back and stop the guy who convinced the NFL that Thursday games are a good idea.

The NHL playoffs used to be on my TV every spring, I loved them. This post-season all I get are Devils' games until they get eliminated. Devils' games! I'd almost rather have no playoff hockey at all. The real playoff games are on some network I don't get and no one had ever heard of before the NHL moved there. The NHL playoffs would be more accessible to me if they played the games on the moon and made me watch through a telescope.

I already wrote something about changing the NCAA tournament. I actually wrote that I agree with adding more teams, and I do, but I still don't understand why we need to screw with something that was already working. "Everyone loves this tournament, other networks don't even bother trying on Thursday and Friday nights in March, people call in sick to work to watch schools they've never heard of play each other, it's perfect. Let's see if we can ruin it".

It's not just sports either. Green Day used to be a pretty cool band. They weren't the best thing out there, but they were certainly listenable. Perfectly adequate corporate punk rock. Like Blink 182, only slightly better because Billie Joe's brother Tim was in Operation Ivy and Rancid. I was a fan. Now there's a Green Day Broadway musical. What an abomination. Every time I see the commercial I want to break a guitar over someone's head.

The answer to this riddle, of course, is money. And I'm fine with that. I like money. Who doesn't like money? I only have one idea for change. I'd like to go to a Yankee game sometime soon in the new stadium. I'd like good seats, because, as much as I love baseball, nothing is worse than sitting in the upper deck trying to watch a game you could have a better look at on TV. Unfortunately, I don't have 5,000 extra dollars laying around. Bummer.

So, my proposal is simple. I think sports should have to pick one or the other. Either keep charging us eleventy billion dollars for tickets, or keep making us put up with this constant tinkering designed to bring in more corporate money, but not both. If I have to watch the NFL draft one round at a time, then I should be able to go to a Jets game for free. If I have to take out a mortgage to go to Yankee Stadium, then I should be able to watch the Yankee game on YES without commercials. I think that's a fair compromise.

And, if sports refuses to give in to my demands, I will keep watching them, because sports are awesome, and I shouldn't complain so much.

Not So Stupid

Sometime last week, the radio told me that college basketball may very well be expanding the NCAA tournament to 96 teams. My first reaction, like most people, was "that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!". Part of me still thinks I may be right about that. First, here's my understanding of how it would work.

Teams would be seeded 1-24 in each region. On the Tuesday and Wednesday before the games usually start, teams 9 and 24 would play each other, 10 and 23, etc etc. Then, the winners of those games would play the top eight seeds and the schedule would continue as it always has.

First of all, why mess with the best sports event in the world. The first Thursday/Friday round of the NCAA tournament is absolutely the best sports we get all year, and it's not even close. If anyone wants to argue the NHL playoffs are better, I'm listening, but you need to get them back on my TV. If anyone wants to argue the world cup is better, go live in South America with the rest of the soccer fans.

This new schedule would definitely take out some of the first week excitement. For example, everyone watched 15 seed Robert Morris almost shock 2 seed Villanova. Under the new system, Robert Morris probably still has that scrappy almost-win, but it happens on Tuesday against the 6th best team in the Big Ten and no one really cares. So that's kind of a bad thing.

More importantly for me, the people who run college basketball are basically the same morons who run college football. The idea of tinkering with the best thing they have (the NCAA tournament) while doing nothing about America's greatest sports abomination (the unforgivable bowl system) makes me want to put all 120 division one college presidents in a room, lock the door and release the hounds, or the bees, or the hounds with bees in their mouths so when they bark they shoot bees at you.

Clearly, I have my concerns. The more I thought about it though, this expansion idea actually started to make more sense. I'm a numbers guy, here's my argument:

The NFL: 32 teams, 12 make the playoffs. That's 37.5%
The NBA: 30 teams, 16 make the playoffs. That's 53.3%
Baseball: 30 teams, 8 make the playoffs. That's 26.7%
The NHL: still at a ridiculous 30 teams, 16 make the playoffs. Also 53.3%
Big Time College Football: 120 teams, 34 bowls for 68 teams. That's 56.7%

Wait, forget about that last one. The college football post-season doesn't count for anything, ever. But I think the rest of it makes a compelling argument.

There are 347 division one basketball teams, and that number will probably keep growing. Currently 65 of those teams make the real tournament, that's only 18.7%. Even 96 teams would only bump it up to 27.7%, barely more than baseball and way less than the other three major sports.

I know, there's also the NIT and CBI tournaments, which would bring the total post-season count for college basketball to 113, or 32.6%. That's still less than everything but baseball. Also, the NIT and CBI don't count and definitely shouldn't keep happening. Congratulations Dayton, you're approximately the 50th best team in your sport this year! Go crazy!

Why not give college basketball more teams in the real post-season? Especially since most college basketball players aren't going to the NBA or any other pro league. This is their only shot at playing in a meaningful playoff game. And for the fans, we get two more days of pretty competitive games. Would you trade a few of the exciting moments from this year's tournament for two whole extra days of games? I feel like I would. You'd have to at least consider it, right?

Defending The BCS

I was driving today and found myself at a red light behind a perfectly nice white Toyota (buy American damn it!). This was memorable because the owner of the Toyota had put the word "champaine" on the back of the car in big black letters. I know that's not actually how you spell champagne, but the owner of this Toyota didn't. My point is, sometimes people do things, and it's best not to waste time trying to figure out why. Why would someone want to have champagne written across the back of their car, and why wouldn't they find out how to spell it first? I don't know, and I'm not going to waste what little sanity I have left on trying to figure it out.

For a long time, this is how I felt about the BCS. It was stupid, it made no sense, and I just didn't have the energy to care. But last weekend, as I watched Texas almost blow it's spot in the national title game, and as I listened to the ABC announcer tell me, after every play, how many minutes we were away from BCS chaos, I had an epiphany. I've seen the light. The BCS is a great idea, maybe the best idea in the history of sports. The rest of us were just too damn stupid to see it. But not me, not anymore.

See, sports have had playoffs for years, it's been done to death. Just thinking about some sport having all the best teams play each other on the field in some sort of tournament to decide a champion makes me yawn, that's sooo 20th century. The BCS is so revolutionary, so modern. They've got voters and computers and statistical formulas, and probably some robots and talking monkeys too. TCU, Cincinnati and Boise St. probably don't like it this year, but if they wanted to contend for championships, they should have thought of that before they decided to not be Alabama or Texas. This is the wave of the future, and I'm on board. I don't want all my other favorite sports to get left behind. So, here are some ideas for how the other sports can be more like college football. We need to get to work on this right away, before it's too late.

First, a few rules. Number one, the BCS still has a championship game, I guess they figured they'd throw the dinosaurs a bone, so we're not picking the best team, just the best two teams. Number two, we need to stay as far away from on the field competition as possible, I'm getting sleepy just thinking about it. Finally, you'd still have the same regular season, just for kicks, like college football does. We're just replacing the playoffs.

Baseball. My first thought was some kind of home run derby. But those happen on the field, that feels too much like honest athletic competition, not what we're going for. My second thought was letting the two teams with the nicest ballparks each year play for the title. The problem there is that ballparks don't change much and you'd get the same two teams a lot. College football has taught us that you really need a good rotation of like four or five teams. But I was on the right track with this.

I propose that baseball decide its two championship contenders each year based on the quality of ballpark food. Teams can change this pretty drastically from year to year if they want, so it won't always be the same teams. Plus, this would help with baseball's parity problem. I haven't been to the new Yankee stadium yet, because I don't own my own company, but the food at the old Yankee Stadium sucked. In contrast, I saw a game in Cincinnati once, they had pulled pork sandwiches and chili. The Reds kick the Yankees' ass in food. I also heard the San Francisco Giants have garlic fries at their ballpark. Garlic fries! Right there at the ballpark! You see where I'm going with this, any team can win the food competition. I don't care who the judges are, as long as I'm one of them.

Basketball. First of all, to be honest, if you suggested quality of stadium eats as a system for all four major sports, I wouldn't argue with you, but I'm trying to be creative here. A slam dunk competition has the same problem as a home run derby. I thought maybe just taking the two teams with the two tallest players. That would be funny, because teams would have to spend the off-season searching the world for the tallest freaks they could find, but you'd still need basketball talent for that championship game. Funny, but not really fun.

I've got it! Hip-Hop records. I've noticed a lot of basketball players make rap albums. I've heard they're mostly terrible, but maybe it's because they're not trying hard enough. So here's the pitch. At the beginning of every season, every player makes an album. Over the course of the season, the team works together to pick the best album they have and make it better. At the end of the season, the two teams that produce the two best albums play for the title. This would be great both for basketball players who always wanted to be rappers and rappers who always wanted to be basketball players. This would also allow the Knicks to spend an insane amount of money on a whole team of terrible rappers they can pair with their current team of terrible basketball players. I think this is a win for everyone.

Football. This was the easiest one. Three words: Cheerleader Beauty Pageant. This should appeal to most football fans and keep the same high ratings the playoffs currently get. Everyone would love it and it would lead to even more attractive cheerleaders than we have now. Sometimes life's just that simple.

Hockey. This is the toughest one for me, I've already written here about how much I like the hockey playoffs. But when it's time to move on, it's time to move on, and I'm a team player. I thought about taking the two teams with the most Canadians on their rosters. Sadly, I'm afraid this might seem vaguely racist to non-Canadians. A drinking competition would be fun, but almost every hockey player I've ever met has seemed like a genuinely nice guy, so let's not destroy their livers for sport. Zamboni races? We should definitely have them, but I don't think they're right for this.

I thought about this for a while, and it finally came to me. A beard growing competition. This is perfect because it keeps one of the traditions of the old playoffs without all the boringness of actual playoffs. Beards would be judged on length, thickness and general creepy appearance. Bonus points for cool beard design, like if you were able to cut your beard into the shape of a hockey stick. Points off for dyed beards, that would be the beard competition equivalent of performance enhancing drugs. The two teams with the highest average beard scores play for the cup.

So, there it is. If I didn't cover your favorite sport, I'm sure you can think of some ideas on your own. Think this was stupid? I dare anyone to explain how any of my ideas are any worse than the BCS. I double dog dare you.

Fixing the Baseball Playoffs

I really like baseball, always have. So, a few weeks ago, when I heard a story about how Fox was complaining about how the baseball playoffs kill their ratings, and they'd rather be showing new episodes of House in October, I wanted to be outraged, but I wasn't. I want new episodes of House too. Even tonight, while the Yankees have been trying to clinch a world series birth, I've spent most of the night watching Flash Forward, The Office and 30 Rock, and now, as Nick Swisher slowly makes his way over to a ball hit to right field(he does everything slowly), I'm only half paying attention, because I'm also writing this. In contrast, a few years ago, when the hockey playoffs were still on my TV, I would have skipped the pilot episode of a new show written by and starring me to see a hockey playoff game, and if you read last Friday's blog, you know I didn't even have a hockey team to root for until last Friday. Obviously, there's a problem, but I'm a solutions guy. So, here are my top ten ideas for fixing the baseball playoffs.

A couple of quick notes before we start. First, I'm not suggesting we use all ten of these ideas at the same time, I'm not insane. Try two or three, if they don't work, try a couple of the others, mix and match, find the right balance. Second, baseball can use these ideas during the regular season if they want, that's up the commissioner, I'm just the idea man.

Number 10: Umpire Idol

Just to be clear, I hate American Idol. If I could close my eyes and wish it away, you'd better believe it would already be gone by now. But there's no ego here, I'm writing for the greater good.

Baseball umpires drive my crazy. They're the only officials in the four major sports that get to do most of their job while standing still, and they still can't get it right. So here's the idea. During the regular season, Fox runs an American Idol style show where ordinary Americans can audition to be baseball umpires. I like crazy former players and managers with reputations for terrorizing umpires as judges. Bobby Cox is retiring next year, he's in. At the end of September, they pick 16 winners to make up four crews of four people each who get to work the playoffs.

Also, people who are paying close attention to the playoffs might say, "hey, playoff crews have six umps!" Not under my system they don't. I always thought this was a stupid idea, and if you read all the way to the end of this, I think you'll see I'm an expert on stupid ideas.

Number 9: Hot Dog Cannons

They probably already have these somewhere, it sounds like the kind of thing they'd do, say, at a minor league hockey game in Milwaukee. So baseball really just has to get its hands on the technology.

The idea is simple. You've seen the t-shirt cannons they use to give away prizes at sporting events, I saw them at Islanders games when I lived on Long Island. Just keep the cannons, and put hot dogs in them. The big downside here is that this is only for the live crowd, so it doesn't really help ratings, but I think the live crowd deserves something. As I understand it, playoff tickets now cost somewhere in the eleventy billion dollars range, free hot dogs is the least we can do.

PS...there could be mustard hoses involved in this idea, I haven't decided yet.

Number 8: Lights Out

The crowd at the game gets night vision goggles. The TV cameras have night vision lenses. But all the players see are glow in the dark balls, glow in the dark gloves and glow in the dark bases. We only do this in one game per series, but nobody knows which one until the game starts and the lights go out. Would you watch that game? Hell yeah you would! Case closed.

Number 7: Booby Traps

Two hours before each game, an independent grounds crew, not affiliated with either team, digs a big hole somewhere in the outfield, which they then cover with a thin sheet of grass, like a bear trap. Obviously, the hole would be filled with pillows or something so no one gets hurt.

The big question here is, do we tell the TV audience where the hole is, so they can watch and get excited whenever someone runs near it? Or, do we keep it a secret so the home audience is just as surprised as everyone else? Tough call.

Number 6: Four Words
No more Tim McCarver. Seriously. Please.
While we're here Fox, no more pre-game show. Fox's playoff baseball pre-game is officially the worst pre-game in all of sports, nobody should be subjected to it.

Number 5: Adjustable Walls
Picture this. Bottom of the ninth, two outs, man on first, home team down by one. The batter hits a long fly ball to deep right field, it's going..going..g...oh!..wait!..a 75 foot wall just shot out from inside the usual 8 foot right field fence. It's a long single for the shocked batter and the visiting team gets one more chance to put the game away.

Here's how it works. Each manager has a set of buttons in the dugout. One for each segment of the outfield fence. Once a game, he gets to press one of the buttons and 75 feet of extra wall shoots up from inside the original wall, presumably stopping a home run. It would be like challenges in football. The manager would have to be smart about when to use it. Too early and you don't have it late, wait too long and maybe you never get to use it. I also like this idea because it would give the managers something to do. Baseball manager may be the easiest job in sports. You fill out the line-up card and then you watch baseball for a few hours. Sure, you have to take the pitchers out, but you've got a pitching coach to tell you when to do that, you really just have to take the walk.

Number 4: Dugout Moats
I think this one might just be for me. I just find the idea of them having to lower the drawbridge whenever players or coaches have to leave or come back to the dugout hilarious. This has advertising potential though. You could fill the moat with Tostitos salsa or Budweiser.

Number 3: Audience Participation
You could take this one in a lot of different directions. Fan voting on pinch hitters, or when to bunt, but here's my favorite. I'm a Yankees fan. I should have a button I can press whenever it looks like Joe Girardi is about to put Damaso Marte into the game. If enough of us press that button, Joe gets a noticeable, but non-life threatening, shock. Some details to work out here. We'd have to make sure only Yankees fans can shock Joe, and the same goes for all the other teams. Also, we'd need the guy actually in charge of the juice to know enough about baseball to know when the shocks make sense and when people are just pushing the button for fun.

Number 2: Public Stonings
Not actual stonings. When I was a kid, we used to play this game. I don't really remember anything about it except, at some point, someone stood against a fence and the rest of us threw tennis balls at him. So, if a team gets knocked out of the playoffs at home, 10 fans are randomly chosen from the crowd. These 10 fans have to A) pick the guy on the home team most responsible for the loss (not just the last game, but the whole playoff elimination) and B) have him stand against the outfield wall while they throw baseballs at him.

Same rules as when I was a kid. No head shots and the guy can use his hands to protect his groin.

Number 1: Rally Monkeys
Not the stupid dolls they sell in Los Angeles of Anaheim. Actual monkeys. Each stadium would have a troop of about 75 or so monkeys that they keep somewhere in the stadium. Once a game, the home team manager (by the way, this would be a home field advantage thing, only the home team controls the monkeys) can have the monkeys released for 10 minutes while the game has to continue.

So much to like with this one. When, strategically, would be the best time to release the monkeys? While your team is hitting or pitching? Would the monkeys steal hats and gloves from players? Probably. Maybe if a player loses his hat to a monkey, he has to sit out the rest of the game. I know, we've got some tough logistics on this one. We'd have to find a way to keep the monkeys out of the crowd. And kids are watching, so the monkeys would have to be wearing pants. And there would probably need to be some kind of monkey insurance for players and umpires. Still, I love this idea.

So there you go. I think we can save the baseball playoffs from eventually being relegated to TBS full time. These ideas would hurt the integrity of the game, you say? Maybe, but are any of them worse than interleague play? I say no.