Playoff Picks and Random Comments

Before I start with my NFL playoff picks and some other random NFL comments, I'd like to take this opportunity to congratulate the baseball writers on putting Roberto Alomar and Bert Blyleven into the Hall of Fame. It only took them 2 and 14 tries respectively. If you want my extended thoughts on Alomar's case, scroll a few paragraphs down into this thing I wrote right around this time last year:
http://somethingclever13.blogspot.com/2010/01/hot-stove-reloaded.html

OK, so, first a disclaimer. I couldn't be worse at picking football games. I don't know why. This season, I had the redzone network (awesome, by the way. The best TV invention since color. I was so disappointed I couldn't get Direct TV and Sunday ticket in my apartment building, but redzone is like 100 times better, it does the channel flipping for you), so I'm hoping that makes me better informed this time around, but I wouldn't bet on it. Seriously, if anyone reading this is thinking about considering my picks when they bet on the games, you've been warned.

New Orleans vs. Seattle
Prediction: Saints 91, Seahawks 3
OK, OK...91 might be a little high, but I'm hearing people on TV and the radio all week talking about how Seattle has nothing to lose, how they're so tough at home, how this game will be closer than you think. Really? In two home games against playoff teams this year, Seattle got hammered by a combined score of 76-42, and that doesn't even count the 41-7 home loss to the Giants (that's right, and the Giants are watching from home this weekend).

The five home wins? Arizona, Carolina, San Francisco, St. Louis and San Diego (week three, and we all know San Diego doesn't start trying until at least week five). Not exactly murderer's row. I'll take the Saints, and if I did bet on football, you couldn't set the line high enough to keep me away.

Speaking of the NFC West, how many times in one season can I tune into the same NFL team, look at the QB and think "who the f*ck is that guy?" Answer, courtesy of the Arizona Cardinals: Three, and I'm not even counting Derek Anderson. This whole division was a mess. The fact that Seattle gets a home game is a catastrophe. I heard someone on the radio joke that Pete Carroll's Seahawks couldn't win the Rose Bowl this year. I'm not sure they could win the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl.

Baltimore vs. Kansas City
Prediction: Chiefs 27, Ravens 24
Baltimore's defense ain't what it used to be, and unlike Seattle, Kansas City really is tough at home. Their only home loss was last week's inexplicable disaster against Oakland. Either you believe that was a fluke, in which case KC wins this game close, or you believe last week was a sign of things to come, in which case Baltimore wins by 40. I'll take the Chiefs.

Speaking of the AFC West, the legend of Saint Tebow is growing exponentially. Much like god, Christians believe in Tim Tebow's talent even though nobody can actually see it (What?! Don't make that face at me! This isn't one of those times when I say god isn't real, I'm just saying you can't see him, that's what the whole faith thing is all about).

And speaking of the AFC North, can I be the one millionth person to make a joke about how you can't build your team around two aging wide-outs with reality TV shows? Can I be the two millionth person to realize Carson Palmer is completely finished? I just read a story on ESPN.com about how Marvin Lewis had demands the Bengals needed to meet if they wanted him to stay. Seriously? What was his pitch? Just give him five more years and he'll get them to the brink of mediocrity?

Read the above paragraph and smile, because for a while it looked like the Bengals might really be going somewhere, but now I feel confident in saying, the Bengals are back, baby! It really wouldn't be December without the chance to watch the Bengals pathetically limp toward the end of another disappointing season.

Indianapolis vs. New York
Prediction: Jets 31, Colts 23
I don't trust the Jets, and their defense isn't as good as it's supposed to be. Every time a team gets into 3rd and long against the Jets, the commentators tell me how the Jets are the one team you don't want to be in 3rd and long against. Then they blitz 7 guys and give up the first down. Having said that, I really don't like the Colts, and there's just something fishy about Indy this season. They've never looked right.

Speaking of the AFC South, is it just me, or is Jeff Fisher the most overrated coach in any sport? 6 winning seasons out of 16, one superbowl appearance, no championships. What am I missing? He already ruined Vince Young, please fire him before he squanders Chris Johnson's prime.

Philadelphia vs. Green Bay
Prediction: Packers 41, Eagles 31
This was the toughest one. The truth is, I have no idea what Michael Vick is going to do, and neither does anyone else. Could he win this game by himself? You bet your ass he could. But Aaron Rodgers is pretty good too, and while the Green Bay defense should be good enough to slow Vick down a little, I don't see how the Eagles slow Rodgers down.

Speaking of the NFC East and the Eagles, I have no desire to inhabit a world in which Rex Grossman is a better QB than Donovan McNabb, but here we are. I imagine Rex is as surprised as the rest of us. If you're Mike Shanahan, how fast would you take a do-over on taking this job? It's going to be a long however-many years it takes Mike Shanahan to get himself fired in Washington.

And speaking of Pennsylvania football, how often do you think Roger Goodell wakes up in a cold sweat from a nightmare about a Steelers vs. Eagles superbowl? Two weeks of press conferences and stories featuring Michael "big bow wow" Vick and Ben "no means maybe" Roethlisbozo. At least Vick spent some time in jail, but I still understand if some animal rights groups want to come to superbowl week and yell stuff at him. I just hope some people will come yell at the Bozo too.

Maybe if I get a couple of these right I'll do more picks next week, but for now, I still like Green Bay to get to the superbowl if they get past Vick, because I don't trust the Falcons or the Bears. In the AFC, I'm giving up on the Ravens, I can't see a way to pick against New England right now. In fact, I had the Packers winning the whole thing when I made my pre-season picks, but I think I like the Pats now, which probably means they'll find a way to lose to the Jets next week.

Pessimism

Some people are optimists. They see the glass as half-full. They always look at the bright side. Even more people at least try to be optimists. Not me. No matter how much I like something, I can always see the downside. I'm like the opposite of a motivational speaker. I wonder if there's a market for that. Someone to come in and talk to your employees when they're just a little too happy, a little too satisfied. I could be that guy.

Anyway, I bring this up because one of the best days in America's year is coming up. Football's back! We've been waiting for Sunday since February and I'm tired of spending my Sundays watching stock cars drive around in endless circles. I can't wait. But that's Sunday. Today, I'm using my talent for pessimism to point out all the things I hate about this thing I love.

I hate that football starts on a Thursday. Just like baseball starting at night or the WNBA starting ever, football starting on a Thursday makes no sense. Football is for Sundays and Monday night and that's it. If Pierre Thomas wasn't on my fantasy team, I'd boycott tonight's game altogether. And speaking of tonight's game...

I hate Brett Favre. I just want to run up to him and punch him in the stomach. That goes for Peyton Manning and Tim Tebow too. I wish all three of them would retire and get a TV show together that I could never watch. I'm feeling a cop drama. Manning as the by-the-book Sergeant, Favre as the rule-breaking, bad-boy detective who never retires so eventually someone has to shoot him and Tebow as the cocky rookie. This could work. Speaking of Peyton Manning...

I hate the Colts. I'm not 100% sure why. They're just so smug and well-run and annoying. And then they quit on the perfect season last year (and the football gods punished them thoroughly). Maybe it's Manning's fault, I stopped hating the Packers after Favre left.

I hate the Jets' offense. This pre-dates Mark Sanchez and Rex Ryan, it even goes back to previous offensive coordinators. I feel like the Jets' offense has been terrible my whole life. It's like nobody told them the goal is to go forward. Also, in a more recent development, Braylon Edwards can't catch. Somebody on the Jets' coaching staff should probably try to work on that.

I hate that where I live dictates what NFL games I see. This never bothered me in other sports. I had Yankee games my whole life in New York, and who wants non-Yankee baseball anyway. Non-Yankee baseball is like ordering apple pie, only when your pie comes, instead of apples inside, it's the Kansas City Royals. But the regional market thing doesn't work for football in New York for. I've spent my whole life watching awful Jets games and horrible NFC east football. Do you remember when the Giants played the Cardinals twice a year? Unfortunately, I do.

I hate the whole NFL money situation. The non-guaranteed contracts, the hold-outs, the crappy collective bargaining agreement. First of all, a non-guaranteed contract isn't really a contract, is it? They should call them non-binding resolutions like Congress does. Also, what's with the hold-outs? Darrelle Revis held the entire city of New York and everyone at ESPN hostage for like six weeks because he was only supposed to make 1 million dollars this year. I know he's worth more than that, but is only getting paid 1 million dollars really a good enough reason to just stop going to work? (seriously, is it? Because I'd love to not get up for work tomorrow)

Finally, I hate that no one knows what's going on in the NFL from week to week. Sometime this season, I'll start a running back on my fantasy team that everyone says will have a big week, but he'll wind up with 4 carries for -3 yards. Everybody's superbowl pick will probably go 6-10. I know, that's what we love about it too, unpredictability and all. So, with absolutely no confidence, here are my picks for the season.

NFC PLAYOFFS
1: Dallas
2: Green Bay
3: New Orleans
4: San Francisco
5: Atlanta
6: Philadelphia

New Orleans over Philly
San Francisco over Atlanta
Green Bay over New Orleans (but only if this game happens in Green Bay like I'm predicting)
San Francisco over Dallas (big upset, Dallas chokes away a chance to play a home superbowl, Wade Phillips is fired and possibly executed by Jerry Jones immediately following the game)
Green Bay over San Francisco

Random NFC Thoughts
If I owned a sports team, I'd immediately hire Mike Singletary to coach it. It wouldn't even have to be a football team.
It'll be a big day for Philly fans when Kolb takes them to the playoffs while McNabb watches from home. Unfortunately, Andy Reid will still throw the ball approximately 103% of the time and they'll lose eventually.
No playoffs for the Vikings. This Favre thing has to end sometime, and it'll only end when his team has a bad enough season that no one could possibly want him the next season. Fingers crossed for this year everyone.

AFC PLAYOFFS
1: Indianapolis (Boooooooooooo)
2: Baltimore
3: New England
4: Oakland (you heard me!)
5: New York
6: Houston

New England over Houston
New York over Oakland (blowout, total destruction)
New York over Indy (revenge!)
Baltimore over New England (not revenge!)
Baltimore over New York (The phrase Rex bowl or Ryan bowl will be used around 1 million times)

Superbowl: Green Bay over Baltimore

Random AFC Thoughts
I thought people were crazy picking Baltimore until I actually looked at the AFC. The Jets can't score, the Pats can't defend and the Colts always choke eventually unless Rex Grossman is involved.
Some people like the Bengals, and they could go 11-5. They could also go 5-8 and have the entire team spend the last three weeks of the season in prison. I'm staying away.
I think Chris Johnson has another 2000 yard season in him. Speaking of the Titans, I usually hate guys who get labeled as "guys who just win", but I'm kind of buying it with Vince Young. If one of my AFC picks misses, I think the Titans take their spot.
No Steelers. I won't pick the Roethlisbozo. I hope they go 0-16.

That Bowl Was Super, Thanks For Asking

Biggest sporting event of the year: Check
Dopey, over-hyped commercials: Double check
Me watching and making fun of it: Another no-brainer

Pre-game highlights? Um...I refuse to watch pre-game shows as a rule. Also, if anything doesn't need nine hours of hype leading up to it, it's the superbowl. So my pre-game viewing consisted of watching other channels until kick-off. The highlight was on Fox News. They were breathlessly covering a U-Haul truck which had been pulled over in Arizona. Supposedly the truck was full of illegal immigrants from Mexico. When the police breached the back of the truck, it was empty. In the immortal words of Kent Brockman, "so, once again, we've been duped". My favorite part was when the anchor said "there could have been dangerous people inside; snipers, drug cartel members, Mexicans". Wait, what was that last one?

My other pre-game comment comes from NBC. After an awesome hockey game (isn't every hockey game an awesome hockey game?), they showed a PGA tour event. My level of interest in golf without Tiger Woods is roughly equal to what my interest level would be in a hockey game without ice or a NASCAR race without gasoline. Note to the PGA: Your sport sucks without Tiger Woods, I don't care if he's a sex maniac, get him back, now.

Hey, am I the only one getting a little tired of hearing the national anthem before everything? (Probably). I don't necessarily need us to stop doing it, or even to change the song around too much, but maybe just an updated version. I nominate Them Crooked Vultures to create it. I could sit through a Zac Brown Band concert if Dave Grohl was on drums. OK, enough stalling, football time.

CBS stole NBC's idea of having the players introduce themselves, but they forgot to steal the best part, so we didn't get to hear Jeremy Shockey or Reggie Wayne tell us they're from "The U". Over/Under on mentions of Dwight Freeney's ankle tonight, 52.5. Saints go three and out on the first possession, not a good omen. Also, the crowd sounds roughly 104% pro-Saints. Good for them, if you weren't already a Colts fan before the season started, there's simply no excuse for not rooting for the Saints.

Jim Caldwell has the blank stare working right from the start. Field goal on the Colts' first possession. Commercials so far; house made of Bud Light; old people playing football, I think they were trying to sell me a Snickers; and Tim Tebow tackling his mom, which apparently had something to do with focus on the family. The kickoff back to the Saints was followed by an awful commercial featuring the '85 Bears, I think they were trying to sell me a cell phone or something.

Finally the Saints get a first down. The Colts are bringing a ton of pressure. I've never gotten the impression that the Saints are a team that can be rattled by pressure, Brees doesn't strike me as that kind of guy. Marques Colston dropped a big play, he's still mourning the loss of the Hofstra football program. The next pass was incomplete after obvious pass interference. Hey Saints! Don't expect too many calls today, you're playing Peyton Manning.

These commercials are awful, I refuse to buy any of these products. If the Colts go 96 yards for a touchdown right here, we may be in for a long night. Two weeks ago, the Saints hit Brett Favre late on almost every play (and hardly ever got called for it, even the NFL is sick of Brett). This week, Peyton Manning looks pretty comfortable so far, but the Saints look like they're getting closer. Hey, where has Joseph Addai been all year? Three good runs on this drive, which is at least three more than I remember seeing from him this season. Touchdown, Manning to Garcon. You could kind of feel that one coming. The Saints defense looks pretty overmatched right now. If the Saints don't start scoring, this could get ugly, like Denver Broncos ugly, even Buffalo Bills ugly.

It's official, I'm never eating Doritos or drinking any Budweiser product again. Ever. I hate these commercials so much. Furthermore, I'd pay $12 to see Jackass 4: Jackass Forever before I'd see this new Robin Hood movie with Russell Crowe. Also, that cars.com commercial was like a lot of my blog posts. It just sort of wandered around for a while making jokes with varying degrees of success and hoping to stumble across a point eventually.

Late hit out of bounds on the Colts and Simms just made a good point; why are these sidelines so crowded? It's like they're playing inside a night club. Good drive working here for the Saints. Even a field goal could maybe get them settled a little. OK, Dwight Freeney just forced a field goal by dragging Drew Brees down with one hand after running over the left tackle. I think his ankle is at least decently functional.

We just learned that Jim Nantz is conversant in the CBS Monday night comedy line-up, that came right after a fantastic commercial for Letterman's show featuring him, Oprah and Leno. Did Jay lose a bet? Then we got an awful Hyundai commercial featuring Brett Favre. Finally a punt from the Colts, the fair catch by Reggie Bush caused the whole stadium to the do the disappointed sigh. Seriously, there may not be any Colts fans in Florida right now.

Brees just threw a rocket to Shockey, but since Jeremy isn't 9 feet tall, that one almost got picked. Brees isn't always great at being careful with the ball, that could be a problem tonight. Another catch for Colston, go Flying Dutchmen! You heard me. Pride? Eff that. What the hell kind of a team name is that? No wonder they had to cut the football program because no one was coming to the games.

I love how we a get "Uuuuuuuu" from the crowd every time Vilma or Shockey makes a play. If I was a big time high school football player, I'd tell all the other colleges to not even bother. The Saints just ran a play that seemed to be designed to lose 7 yards, and it worked perfectly. I guess they needed some more room for the 27 yard pass play that happened next.

Commercials during the two minute warning included the best line of the night so far: "flowers in a box? that's what cigarettes and dead people come in". I like that, what was it a commercial for? I don't know, I guess flowers not in a box. Also, CSI Miami is going to space. Could Emily Procter be even cuter in space than she is on earth? I guess we'll find out.

After the warning, a goal line stuff by the Colts D. A 6+ minute Saints drive gets nothing. Like a swift kick to the groin of every Saints fan. At least the Colts were trapped far enough down field they just decided not to try anything with the football before the half. Three and out for the Colts and it's Reggie Bush time again.

It looks like they're building either a Harry Potter theme park or a Harry Potter section in another theme park. Either way, how did that take so long? I'd have to invent a new number, like say, eleventy billion, to estimate how much money that place could make.

Here's something funny about me. I have almost no ability to feel empathy for other humans, but whenever I see a commercial involving a robot that's supposed to be depressed for some reason, I feel genuinely bad for the robot. What kind of psychopath does that make me? Don't answer that. Anyway, good job by New Orleans of getting a field goal before the half. I thought this was supposed to be a "shoot-out". Football experts everywhere said so. Am I watching the wrong game? Is this some kind of consolation game?

Halftime Comments:
I like The Who, everybody likes The Who, but can we please get some current music. OK, so the awesome Jay-Z/Rhianna/Eminem halftime show would scare the flyover states (and everyone else over 40). How about Kings of Leon, or Green Day, or Pearl Jam, or Velvet Revolver? (provided Scott isn't in jail, or high, or just missing for unexplained reasons, OK you'd need a back-up act if you scheduled Velvet Revolver) Of course, the Velvet Revolver show would end with the surprise GnR reunion. I will keep coming up with GnR reunion ideas until someone takes one and makes it work.

The Saints started the second half with an onsides kick. That's balls right there. After about a two minute scrum for the ball, the Saints come out with it. How awesome was that? 13 out of 10 on the awesome scale. Jim Caldwell's reaction? Blank stare. The Saints reaction? Marching right down the field for their first touchdown. And what does coach Caldwell think of this start to the second half? He thinks it's a good time to stare blankly.

Peyton Manning used to be good for a self-destruction in this kind of situation. Recently though, he's been pretty unflappable. Man, the Colts are just calmly marching right back down the field like nothing even happened. I'm not a Manning fan at all, but that was pretty impressive. They just sliced through the Saints D and took the lead back, completely blunted all the Saints' momentum, stunning, I'm stunned.

We're getting pretty close to adding Coca-cola to the list of products I'm never buying again. It's tougher, because I like Coke, but these commercials are pretty unbearable. Also, they've played Metallica at least three times during highlight packages. Why couldn't we get them for halftime?

The Saints seem to have found a little something here, they're moving down the field again. It's possible the Colts D is getting a little winded, they've been out there quite a bit. Settling for the field goal here doesn't feel great. If I had money on the Saints, I'd be nervous right about now. By the way, I really liked that Google commercial, well done.

"This could only be one place; A tradition like no other; Hide the women because Tiger's coming. The Masters on CBS."

The Saints aren't getting anywhere near Peyton Manning right now. The Colts went for it on 4th&2 and made it look easy. Simms commented "Jim Caldwell isn't afraid to make a bold decision". Really? I don't think I saw Manning even look over at the sideline before going for it. Kudos to the Saints D for stepping up, the Colts were looking unstoppable, then all of a sudden we see a 51 yard field goal try go wide left and the Saints are left with excellent field position.

Did Emerald Nuts and Pop Secret have to pool their money for a superbowl spot? Are they even owned by the same company? Am I supposed to eat them together? That was weird.

Here come the Saints again. I'm not sure the Colts D has much left. Another nice catch by Colston. The dude's pretty good, he must have gone to an awesome college. A Saints TD is looking pretty inevitable right now. I have a prediction, if Shockey scores here, this pro-Saints Miami crowd will completely lose it's collective mind. And there it is. Way to score and work the crowd at the same time. The Saints missed the two point conversion though, that can't be good. That looked close, I might have challenged that. Sean Payton might have challenged it too, and, in fact, he did. That looks like a catch to me, Lance Moore had it for a while before that guy kicked it away. Play overturned, Saints up by seven. Great play by Lance Moore too. That almost makes up for the week he gave my fantasy team a big fat 0.

Five years ago, there's no way Manning pulls off this comeback. Now? I'm terrified for the Saints. I couldn't tell if the green police commercial during the injury timeout was pro-environment or anti-environment, but then we found out it was just pro-car (what kind of car? I already forgot. Volkswagen maybe). And there's the Peyton Manning I remember from my younger and more innocent days. INT returned for a TD by Tracy Porter. 31-17 Saints. No one is going to work in New Orleans tomorrow. No one.

The Saints are spending the last few minutes just trying to hang on and giving up huge chunks of yardage. Stupid late hit penalty stopped the clock. Luckily for the Saints, that was immediately followed by an offensive pass interference penalty that moved the Colts back ten yards and forced them to use a timeout. After a ridiculous run call on 3rd&Goal, incomplete pass on fourth down and it's officially over.

After the first quarter, once the Saints got their heads in the game, this was a pretty hard ass kicking. The Saints dominated the last three quarters of this game. Drew Brees is the pretty obvious MVP. The Gatorade bath guys almost killed a few people on the sideline trying to get the bucket to the coach, but they got it done. There really isn't anything else to say. Solid game, great outcome, crappy commercials. Everything you could ask for in a superbowl.

Dude, Where's My Pro-Bowl?

So, first of all, the superbowl match-up is set. I promised I wouldn't do anymore football picking this year if I couldn't get at least one championship game right, so I'm not picking the superbowl. It would be cruel for me to doom one team to certain defeat by picking them. I actually wound up rooting extra hard for myself to be wrong about the NFC game once the Jets lost. There's just no way I would have been able to watch a Peyton Manning vs. Brett Favre superbowl. None. I would have had to spend next Sunday watching...I don't know, whatever it is women watch during the superbowl. I have to say though, a lot of my pre-game analysis for the championship games was on point, right up until the part where I tried to pick winners.

I said the Jets would have to figure out how to cover the non-Revis side of the field. After about 600 yards from Pierre Garcon and Austin Collie, I think the Jets will be shopping for a new cornerback this off-season. It was unbelievable how poorly the Jets covered those two guys. It's like the Colts had their Madden game set on rookie.

There was a point during the second quarter of that game when I really thought the Jets could win. They were up 17-6 right before the half and the Colts were looking pretty rattled. Then Manning sliced through the Jets defense before halftime and that was pretty much that. Are you telling me you thought the Jets had a chance to hold on in the second half? I don't believe you.

The NFC game was perfect. Vikings driving, seconds left to play, all Favre had to do was take the 5-7 yards in front of him and give the kicker a shot, in a dome. What happened next was absolutely priceless, maybe my favorite football game moment ever. The best part was, anyone watching who knew anything about football knew exactly what was going to happen as soon as Favre started winding up to throw. You could practically hear the entire state of Minnesota screaming "no, NO, NOOOOOOOO!" followed by the entire state of Wisconsin laughing hysterically.

Why, you ask, do I find so much humor in Brett's failure? Well, how about this? After the game, when asked about the possibility of him returning next year, he said that it was "highly unlikely". This will go on forever, your grandchildren will be wondering if Brett Favre is coming back to play the 2087 season opener on the moon.

All of this gave us a fantastic superbowl match-up. The thoroughly likable Saints against the completely contemptible Colts. I won't pick the game, but I'll damn sure be rooting for the Saints. Not only can't I stand Peyton Manning, not only is New Orleans the obvious team to root for here unless you live in Indiana, but the football gods are the only gods I still believe in (stupid Zeus, I prayed to him for years, what do I have to show for it? Not a damn thing! Damn ancient Greeks). If the Colts win after quitting on a perfect season, I'll have nothing to believe in.

Speaking of football, this weekend is the pro-bowl. I've heard lots of different opinions about this, moving the pro-bowl to the week before the superbowl and moving it from Hawaii to the superbowl site. I have to say, I'm a fan of this idea.

First of all, it's not like I could care about the pro-bowl less than I already do. It's not like anyone has to move their big annual pro-bowl party. I've heard some people make the argument that the NFL shouldn't tinker with things while it's doing so well. I understand that idea, but when your all-star game has basically become the who cares bowl, why not try something different. You can't ruin something that's already worthless.

Now, I don't like the idea of having a 0% chance of the superbowl teams' players appearing in the pro-bowl. That problem would really bother me about the new date, except that the chance of that happening previously was about .003%.

I actually heard someone point out that the players don't get to go to Hawaii anymore. Oh, boohoo. I'm sure the incredibly rich guys who get like 7 months off every year can find the time and money to somehow get to Hawaii.

Most importantly, I think the new date is a great piece of scheduling. If there's one thing I've always hated about the NFL, it's the random week off between the rest of the season and the superbowl. It was easily my least favorite thing about football that isn't an over-hyped quarterback. I think a lot of people really want football that week. I've never watched the pro-bowl before, I'd always moved on to other sports in my head. It was like having a hockey game in August. This weekend, I'm watching the pro-bowl, because it's still football season, and that's what you do during football season, you watch football.

J...E...T...S JETS! JETS! JETS!

I was thinking I should probably just give up on picking football games. I'm awful at it. I was 1-3 last weekend and the one I got right only happened because I had to pick one team in a Saints-Cardinals game where I had no confidence in either team. So here's the deal. I'm picking the championship games. I thought maybe if i actually think about the games for a couple of minutes before I pick them, I might do better. And if I can't get at least one of these right, I'm never picking a football game again. At least not until next season.

First Up, Vikings at Saints
Saints Overview: I really don't know what to make of the Saints. They looked awful in their last three games, I mean really awful, losing to Tampa awful. Then they came out last week and just pounded the Cardinals. It was merciless. Even worse, nobody ever knows what to make of the Cardinals, so I don't know how to factor last week's game. I really thought the Saints had peaked, now I'm not so sure. They're like the Will Ferrell of football teams. I was sure that Anchorman was his prime, his finest hour. Since then each movie has been a little bit worse. I was convinced he'd never make a great movie again. Then, I saw his cameo in The Goods. Now, I think maybe he's got something left, I don't know what's next. Will Ferrell could still never make another good movie, or he could have one or two more classics left in him. I have no idea. That's how I feel about the Saints, I have no idea.

Keys For The Saints: They have to force Brett Favre to turn the ball over. Brett is like an alcoholic when it comes to turnovers. If he stays mistake free, then he's fine. But if you get him to make one early mistake, he goes on a binge like a college kid on his 21st birthday. He can't help himself, especially in the playoffs.

Also, whoever was wearing Reggie Bush's uniform last week, make sure you get him back for this one. Seriously, where has that guy been since he got drafted? Watching the Saints-Cardinals game last week, you could watch Reggie Bush and think "there's no way that guy's team loses".

Vikings Overview: The Vikings looked really solid against Dallas and even better against the Giants in week 17. I like everything about the Vikings except Favre (I think Favre is French for "look at me! look at me!"). And really, I only dislike Favre as a personality, his quality on the field is hard to argue with this season. Minnesota can run the ball, play defense and throw the ball to a number of excellent receivers. It's hard to find a hole there.

Keys For The Vikings: Stop the run, force the Saints to be one-dimensional and then pound Drew Brees like a bass drum. This defense terrorized Tony Romo last week, Tony was in full tantrum mode by the third quarter. It's possible he was actually crying at some point. It won't be quite so easy to rattle Brees, but it's doable. A day full of sacks and knock-downs equals a Viking victory.

Also, Antoine Winfield. There were times when he looked awful this year. In Minnesota's OT loss to Chicago, he got torched on the last play by some guy who should be playing in the CFL. It was unreal. If the bye week helped Antoine get healthier, I think he can shut down one side of the field and help keep Brees in check. If he's the same guy he was in Chicago, he'll spend the night being Drew's pinata.

Who Am I Rooting For? Saints, 100%. First of all, it would be fantastic for that city to see it's team get to the Superbowl. Second, the Saints are a much more likable team and way more fun to watch. Most importantly, I would pay almost any amount of money to not have to listen to two weeks of Brett Favre going back to the Superbowl stories. This will be unbearable, and I don't know anyone outside of Minnesota who would disagree with that.

Who Am I Picking? Sadly, I like the Vikings. I trust the Vikings' defense a lot more than the Saints' defense. New Orleans has a slightly better offense, but it's not that much better. The one thing that would scare me about picking the Vikings here is the fact that the game is in New Orleans. I told you about Favre being a turnover alcoholic, and the hostile crowd won't help with that, but I think Minnesota runs well early, Favre stays sober and they put the Saints away. Vikings 27, Saints 20.

Next, Jets at Colts
Colts Overview: Something about the Colts always makes me uncomfortable. They have a handful of great players, but they don't really have overwhelming talent. I've never been sold on the Colts defense. This year isn't any different. Tony Dungy is gone and I'm not sure Jim Caldwell has the power of speech. They won a lot of close games against pretty average teams. Plus, they quit on an undefeated season, which I still say means the football gods have something really terrible in mind for them. On the other hand, they were the best team in the AFC this year, so there's that.

Jets Overview: The Jets are a weird team. I can't stand watching their offense, but every once in a while something great happens and it's shocking. They have a defense that stops people, but doesn't force a ton of turnovers and has a tendency to fold at the end of games. Jets fans should be a little worried about that last part. Even last week, they didn't really stop the Chargers late. San Diego scored, then the Jets' offense was able to get a couple of big first downs and keep the ball until the clock ran out. I don't know what happens last week if the Chargers get the ball back, and I think Jets fans should be glad we never found out. Plus, the Jets were awful in the middle of the season. If the mid-season disaster Jets show up Sunday, this game gets ugly fast.

Keys For The Colts: Stop the Jets from running the ball all over the place, make Mark Sanchez throw the ball a lot and feast on the mistakes. That one is super obvious and easier said than done, but it's still what they need to do. The Colts also need to find a way to run the ball. It's not impossible against the Jets, and if they don't do it, the Jets will find a way to create problems for Peyton Manning and his passing game.

Also, try not to quit in the middle of the game. I know this is tough for the Colts, especially if they're winning, they're big on quitting. But really, they have to actually, ya know, try the whole time. If they beat the Jets, they get two whole weeks to rest before the next game.

Keys For The Jets: I think the biggest key for the Jets is coverage. Sure, Reggie Wayne might find himself on Revis Island this week, and maybe they can bracket Dallas Clark with a linebacker (Harris or Scott) and a safety (Rhodes if he's healthy). But what about the other side? What's to stop Pierre Garcon and Austin Collie from doing what many number 2 receivers have done against the Jets this year, run circles around Lito Sheppard. What happened to Lito, anyway? Has he been playing with two broken legs? If they can find a way to keep Manning from destroying the non-Revis parts of the secondary, they'll be in pretty good shape.

Also, if the Jets are down at the half, I say they send Rex Ryan into the Indy locker room to flash Peyton Manning. Wouldn't Peyton be paralyzed with terror for the next couple of hours, at least? I'm not calling this plan A, I'm just saying it can work if they run out of options.

Who Am I Rooting For? Obviously, I'm rooting for the Jets. First, I'm a New York guy. I'm not an active fan of every New York team, but I never root against a New York team unless it's playing another New York team I like more. Second, I've never liked the Colts, and watching them quit in week 16 didn't help. Most importantly, Peyton Manning may be my least favorite legitimately great athlete of all time. There's just something about him that makes me want to punch him in the stomach every time I see him on TV (which, by the way, is like every 4 minutes). I can't be the only one who feels that way, right?

Who Am I Picking? Tough one, close game, but I like the Jets. I don't care how many Superbowls he wins, I still think Peyton Manning is soft. The Jets' defense might not sack him a lot, but they'll hit him. The Colts' run defense is not that good, and the Jets will just keep pounding the run at them. Jets 21, Colts 17. I think that includes a defensive or special teams score from the Jets.

If I'm right, we get two weeks of Brett vs. the Jets stories, and I can't guarantee that won't force me to kill myself, or at least try to put myself into a two-week coma. But I'm a team player, and I picks em how I sees em.

Hello!?!

Herm Edwards, while coaching the Jets in 2002, said that the greatest thing about sports is this. "You play to win the game. Hello!?! You play to win the game!" Herm's just the best, I don't know why he isn't still coaching (something about his teams always being mediocre and never winning anything, you say? Whatever, that describes half the coaches in the NFL). This is easily one of the top five sports quotes of all time, and you can't tell me any different. We'll get back to Herm in a minute.

There are 365 days in a year. I think the best way to get through life is to try and find something that can make each day tolerable. 17 Sundays a year, the NFL gets the job done with room to spare. All the games, plus the added fantasy football fun, football rules. It always leaves you with a nice feeling of satisfaction before the beginning of the work week (unless your team loses, then screw football and everyone involved in it, but not really, because it was still fun to watch). But, after week 16, I mainly felt annoyance, even a certain elevated level of contempt. There were three reasons.

For the purposes of today's post, I'll be grading my level of annoyance at each game I mention on my scale of 1 to Laura Ingraham. 1 being barely annoying enough to notice and Laura Ingraham being so annoying I could punch a baby every time I see her and not even feel bad about it because if the baby knew who she was, the baby would understand.

The day ended with the Washington Redskins pulling a total no-show against Dallas. This gets a 2.5 on the Laura Ingraham Annoyance Scale (or, if you prefer, you can use the acronym, IGNORANT. Wait, is that right? I'm terrible at acronyms). Just a pathetic disaster of a performance all the way around. At no point in that game did I believe Washington had any chance to win. Even worse, this was the second week in a row this happened to the Redskins, both on national TV. I'm not sure we should even let them play their last game.

I might not have been annoyed by this at all if it was just a game, because I think Washington was at least trying. But, for one thing, the Redskins aren't some upstart franchise, Washington is a serious NFL team. Also, it was the only game on at the time, on the Sunday between Christmas and New Years, which means there was absolutely nothing else to watch. So I just had to sit there and live through it. I would rather watch a porno starring Oprah and Dr. Phil than see another Redskins game this season. The only silver lining for Washington? Herm would be OK with their performance, they played to win the game, they were just terrible at it.

Earlier in the day, The Giants tried to hang in the playoff race with a home win against the Carolina Panthers. They started the game with a good drive, fumbled away a chance to score first, and then completely quit. This gets a 6 from me. I was noticeably annoyed watching this game. The Giants looked genuinely surprised to find that the Panthers were actually trying to beat them. The Giant coaching staff showed no ability to steady and re-focus the team. It was like watching a car accident in slow motion. I heard LT, who was there for the last Giant home game at Giant Stadium, left at halftime. Also, when Madison Hedgecock dropped a meaningless touchdown pass, costing my fantasy team 4 points from Eli, I almost punched a hole clean through my couch.

This performance by the Giants was an embarrassment. I've said here before that I don't like the Giants one bit, but they're still a New York team (sort of) and when they embarrass New York like that, it just makes me like them less. I'm not sure how Herm would feel about this one. I think the Giants showed up intending to play to win the game, but they seemed to abandon that plan pretty quickly.

Finally, the Colts. The Colts get a solid 9.5 on my annoyance scale, only missing the full Laura Ingraham because I think the football gods will punish them and that will make me happy. The Colts should be ashamed of themselves, Colts fans should be ashamed, really anyone who ever watched a Colts game, or drove through Indianapolis, or ever rode a horse should be at least little ashamed.

Now, I like the Jets, and I'm glad they might get into the playoffs. So there's a part of me that says I shouldn't complain, and Jets fans definitely shouldn't complain. I also realize there's an argument to be made for resting guys and avoiding injuries. Having said all that, if you watched the game, you know what you saw. You saw a 14-0 team getting booed at home. You saw a back-up quarterback getting thrown into a situation he clearly had no chance of handling. You saw the Jets defense go all Chuck Norris for a half (their chief export was pain). You saw an NFL team make a conscious decision to not win a game.

Even worse, this decision was made prior to the beginning of the game. The Colts decided, at some point before the game started, that they were going to pull Peyton Manning and basically forfeit (both the game and the perfect season) at some point in the third quarter, regardless of the game situation. The rest of the game was hard to watch, and this is coming from someone who wanted to see the Jets win. Curtis Painter will need years of therapy. Colts coach Jim Caldwell, who may or may not be an inanimate object, should be getting his ass kicked by the football gods for the rest of his career. Peyton Manning, who I still think has to take special medicine so he doesn't cry like a little girl every time he gets hit, actually came out looking like the real man on the Colts sideline, because it at least sort of seemed like he wanted to stay in.

Hello!?! You play to win the game! You don't just play to play, you play to win the game! I say the Colts should be forced to play Curtis Painter for the entire 2nd half of every playoff game. Either that or we give their playoff spot to a team that hasn't stopped trying at any point this season. I know a lot of teams will rest guys this week, and no one will complain. It seems hypocritical, but if you watched the Jets game last week, you know what I'm talking about. It just felt wrong.