Republicans Say The Darndest Things

Whenever Fox hosts a debate, I'm always stuck watching a couple of minutes of O'Reilly before it starts.  I really can't stand him.  Arrogance has to be earned through superior intelligence, but O'Reilly's combination of crazy arrogance and astounding stupidity really defies description.  Also, there appears to be a muffin controversy going on, I'm sure I don't want to know.

Tonight's debate is sponsored by Fox News and Google, and being streamed on Youtube.  Fox anchors Chris Wallace and Bret Baier are doing the questioning, along with Fox "anchor" Megyn Kelly.  Also, there's a new guy on the stage.  Former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson is joining in the fun tonight.  Let's do it.

9:04PM: Perry promises that we'll see a more extensive jobs plan from him, ya know, eventually.

9:05PM: Mitt Romney has a 59 point economic plan.  For a minute there I thought he was going to go over all 59 points, but he stopped at four.  In the earlier debates, it was a seven point plan.  Mitt Romney will keep adding points to his plan until we promise to vote for him.

9:08PM: Bachmann says "people deserve to keep every dollar they earn".  Is she proposing a 0% tax rate?  Somebody had to do it eventually.

9:10PM: Santorum boldly comes out against public worker unions.  It makes sense that Rick hates teachers, some of them know science, and boy does Rick hate science, and gays, and women.

9:11PM: Gingrich says you should have to participate in a training program in order to collect unemployment insurance, because "people should not get money for doing nothing".  Training for what, Newt?  There aren't any fucking jobs!

9:14PM: Huntsman basically dismissed solar and wind energy as crazy future stuff we can't do right now, and sadly, he's probably right.  Ya know, I don't think Ronald Reagan gets called an idiot enough for taking the solar panels off the white house.

9:15PM: Wallace asks Cain about his hilarious 999 tax plan.  Herman understands how much Americans hate math.  Math tests would be much easier if all the answers were just 9.

9:17PM: Question for Ron Paul from a woman named Brandy and a guy in a backwards hat.  Ron promises to veto any bill that violates the 10th amendment.  Of course, that's only going to happen in the crazy alternate universe where Ron Paul actually gets to be President.

9:19PM: Not a good start for Gary Johnson, who says he's run for two political offices in his life, but he was counting the Governorship of New Mexico twice.  He reminds me of someone, but I can't put my finger on it yet.

9:21: We just learned that 44% of Fox viewers think you aren't rich if you earn $500,000 a year.  That concerns me, and so does the fact the Fox's percentages added up to 101.

9:27PM: Romney keeps referring to Perry's book.  Perry's face while he's doing it says "go ahead Mitt, keep tellin em you know how to read, and they'll keep votin for me".

9:28PM: Poor Mitt, he had one good idea as a Governor, and now he has to pretend it never happened.  By the way, is this a debate or a book fair?

9:30PM: Does Mitt Romney believe President Obama is a socialist?  Romney called him something worse, suggesting that the President is sort of European-y.  Ouch.

9:31PM: Kelly asked Huntsman about how 66% of people agree with raising taxes on the wealthy.  Instead of just pointing out that most people are idiots and we shouldn't be putting economic policy up for a majority vote, he went off on a whole taxes=freedom tangent.  I think Jon's been hanging around these morons too long.

9:34PM: Cain says the EPA has gone wild.  Worst "gone wild" video ever.  Then he finishes with "the solution is...fix it!"  OK then.

9:35PM: Gingrich always seems like he's angry that someone dared to ask him a question.  Crap! I forgot to award the prize for the first mention of Ronald Reagan, I think Huntsman got it about ten minutes back.

9:36PM: Everybody gets 30 seconds to bash the Department of Education.  I think my favorite part was Mitt Romney's suggestion that the teachers unions hire more teachers.  That's going to be kind of tough when we're busting the teachers unions and eliminating all federal funding for public education. 

9:43PM: Bachmann says she'd go over to the Department of Education and "turn out the lights".  I think she's got how you eliminate a cabinet department confused with how you put a parrot to sleep.

9:45PM: Ohhh, we're talking about the stupid border fence again.  This is like Groundhog Day, only instead of hilarious Bill Murray antics, I'm getting terrible Republican ideas over and over again.

If anyone's interested, here's what I think about immigration http://somethingclever13.blogspot.com/2010/04/guardians-of-secret.html
I don't know if I'm right, but I know I'm smarter than these people.

9:57PM: Fox appears to be using google searches for coupons as a measure of economic health.  It didn't even lead to a question, it was just two minutes of random facts about what people are googling followed by a commercial break.  Sigh.

10:03PM: Foreign policy time.  Romney suggests we should never disagree with Israel, ever, on anything.  I guess that's one way to do it.

10:04PM: Everyone shut up and let Ron Paul talk! Damnit! What do I care what Herman Cain thinks about foreign policy?  Do they have a lot of Godfather's Pizza franchises in Jerusalem?

10:06PM: Perry is doing the old George Bush "watch me pronounce these foreigner names" trick.  They actually asked him a really good question about what he'd do if Pakistan lost command and control of their nuclear weapons.  Spoiler alert...Rick didn't answer the question.

10:07PM: Rick Santorum is the Mozart of warmongering.

10:10PM: Stupid question about the foreign aid budget.  Who screens these questions?

10:11PM: Somehow Bret Baier's question about our Cuba policy led Gary Johnson right back to his talking point about balancing the federal budget. 

10:12PM: They went through the whole foreign policy section without asking Ron Paul or the former ambassador to China, Jon Huntsman, any questions.  Fuck you Fox.

10:16PM: The Republican crowd just booed a gay soldier.  Proud moment for Florida.

10:16PM: Santorum refers to repealing don't ask don't tell as giving homosexual soldiers a "special privilege".  Somehow, in Rick Santorum's mind, kicking gay people out of the military is making sex "not an issue" and treating everyone the same.  I've made this point before.  If you hate a certain group of people, just say that, and then we can judge you.  Don't stand there and try to convince me that not discriminating against a certain group of people is somehow "treating them special".  You are awarded no points, Rick Santorum, and may your imaginary god have mercy on your soul.

10:23PM: If Chris Wallace isn't going to make these people actually answer the questions, I really don't know what he's doing there. 

10:26PM: Bachmann refuses to apologize for suggesting that the HPV vaccine causes mental retardation and defends herself by saying she never made that claim, she just repeated it when someone else said it.  It's like she's trying in each debate to say something stupider than anything she said in the previous debate.

10:27PM: I'm still a little concerned that Rick Perry has to defend his opposition to cancer, but he's doing a solid job of it.  I don't know if he actually gives a crap about preventing cervical cancer in Texas, but he's certainly doing a good job of seeming like he does.

10:30PM: Romney only has two gears, way too passive or super-dismissive asshole.  He's going to need to find a middle ground.

10:32PM: Perry seems a little frustrated right now, like he's tired of this.  I don't blame him, he just spent three minutes arguing with Michele Bachmann about whether or not preventing cancer is good.  But he gets this really whiny tone in his voice when he gets annoyed, he needs to work on that.

10:38PM: Hunstman just mentioned some small town sheriff from New Hampshire.  Now that's what I call pandering!

10:40PM: Mitt says we're the only people in the world who put our hands over our hearts during the national anthem.  That can't be true, can it?

I just want to make this point again, because we're smack in the middle of a Reagan-fest right now.  Ronald Reagan was a corporate shill who destroyed the middle class and set us on the path that led to the economic disaster of 2008.  If our economy never comes all the way back, and America is never quite the same, history will record that our downfall started at the moment of Ronald Reagan's inauguration.  This insidious idea that Reagan was some kind of great leader is one of the many things currently destroying the Republican party.

10:48PM: Why does Newt always have to make some kind of snide remark about every question?  Just answer the questions man. I know you're not that bright, but they aren't that hard.

10:51PM: The final question asked each candidate who on the stage they would choose as a running mate.  Rick Santorum suggested that he would run with Newt Gingrich.  I'm gonna go hide under my bed for a while now.

Tea Party Conversations: Life

Generic Republican: We're pro-life, join us in working to protect life in America!
Prospective Tea Person: I'm pro-life!  Are other people anti-life?
Generic Republican: Well, maybe not anti-life, but they won't fight to protect it.
Prospective Tea Person: What do you mean?
Generic Republican: Liberals and democrats are pro-abortion.
Prospective Tea Person: I thought they were just pro-choice. 
Generic Republican: That's what I said.
Prospective Tea Person: Is being in favor of a woman's freedom to choose the same as being pro-abortion?
Generic Republican: Yes, yes it is.
Prospective Tea Person: OK, well I'm with you there, I don't like abortion.
Prospective Tea Person: But if you're pro-life, why are you against environmental regulations?
Generic Republican: Environmental regulations kill jobs.  The President and the EPA are destroying the economy just to save some birds and fish that nobody's ever even heard of.
Prospective Tea Person: Oh, so it's like you're protecting the lives of the jobs?
Generic Republican: Yes, exactly!  I should write that down.
Prospective Tea Person: So when you say you're pro-life, you're really talking about human life.
Generic Republican: Exactly.
Prospective Tea Person: OK, I can get on board with that.  Birds are stupid.
Prospective Tea Person: So, you're against the death penalty, right?
Generic Republican: Well no, we're definitely for the death penalty.
Prospective Tea Person: How is that pro-life?
Generic Republican: The death penalty only kills people who already killed someone else.  The bible says an eye for an eye.
Prospective Tea Person: Doesn't the bible also say only god gets to kill people, and something about turning the other cheek?
Generic Republican: I...umm...I don't remember those parts.  Listen, the death penalty is about justice.  You're for justice, aren't you?
Prospective Tea Person: Of course I am, I love justice!
Generic Republican: Do you want murderers to go unpunished?
Prospective Tea Person: Well no, but...
Generic Republican: OK then, I'm glad we settled that.
Prospective Tea Person: But what about health care?
Generic Republican: What do you mean?
Prospective Tea Person: You're against health care, but doesn't health care protect life?
Generic Republican: I'm still not following you.
Prospective Tea Person: Well, I mean, if you're pro-life, wouldn't you be in favor of people having health insurance so they can stay alive longer?
Generic Republican: The liberal media has you all confused. Health care isn't about people staying alive, it's about freedom.
Prospective Tea Person: Freedom?
Generic Republican: Yeah, freedom.  The freedom to choose whether or not you want health insurance, and where you want to get it from.
Prospective Tea Person: I heard most uninsured people don't have insurance because they can't afford it because they're poor.
Generic Republican: No, that's a lie too. Poor people are a liberal myth, Rick Santorum ended poverty like 10 years ago.
Prospective Tea Person: I'm glad to hear that.
Prospective Tea Person: So health care has nothing to do with life?
Generic Republican: That's right, it's all about freedom. You like freedom, right?
Prospective Tea Person: Hell yeah!
Prospective Tea Person: But wait, when we were talking about abortion, I was asking about freedom of choice and you were saying that was a bad thing.
Generic Republican: No, that's different.  Abortion isn't about freedom, it's about life.
Prospective Tea Person: Everything is about something different, I'm so confused.
Generic Republican: I know, it's OK, it's a little confusing at first.  All you need to know for now is we're the tea party, we're pro-life, and now we're going to go protest against health care.  Trust me, it makes perfect sense.
Prospective Tea Person: OK
Generic Republican: Great! Welcome to the tea party.  Here's your misspelled sign!
Tea Person: Yeah!

Pandermonium

There's a thing on my TV tonight called the Tea Party Republican Debate.  I'm certainly not planning on watching every single Republican primary debate, but come on CNN!  Am I supposed to somehow not make fun of this?

Once again, if you're unfamiliar with the participants, consult my commentary on the first debate http://somethingclever13.blogspot.com/2011/08/meeting-of-cult-of-tax-cuts.html, then subtract poor Tim Pawlenty and add The Texas Tornado Rick Perry.

Here we go!  CNN and the tea party express present the third Republican debate.  (that's right, the tea party express, making stops in Crazytown, Idiotsville and Imagination Land).  No truth to the rumor that all of tonight's candidates will be dressed as Thomas Jefferson.  Also no truth to the rumor that Rick Perry has agreed to give himself syphilis to be more like Benjamin Franklin.

8:01PM:  CNN's introduction to the debate included labeling Newt Gingrich "the big thinker".  Stop saying that, he's a clown.  You're confusing being a big thinker with having a big head.

8:03PM: Blitzer says "members of the tea party express will play an active role in this debate".  YEAH!!!!!! I couldn't be more excited.

8:06PM: CNN got someone to sing the national anthem before this debate.  I'm not kidding.  Sidenote, this is the whitest audience I've ever seen anywhere, and I've been to hockey games.

8:09PM: Before the debate, each candidate was asked to guess the total volume of Wolf Blitzer's beard.  Hunstman guessed that he trimmed it pretty good right before the debate, nailed it, and got to introduce himself first.  Each candidate got to introduce his or her self in about 20 seconds.

8:10PM: Romney says he understands why jobs come to America and why they go.  As I understand it, many jobs go because of Mitt Romney.

8:12PM: Gingrich teases being the first to mention 9/11 tonight, but he just said 9/12 twice.  I think he's trying to bait the others.  Well played Newtster.

8:14PM: Bachmann says "President Obama stole over $500 billion from Medicare".  That's quite a heist.  She also accused him of stealing her lunch every day from the Congressional cafeteria.

8:16PM: Romney slams Perry on social security.  Someone should warn Mitt that Rick is probably armed.  Romney will not back off asking Perry if he still thinks Social Security is unconstitutional, like he said in his book.  That's right, Rick Perry wrote a book.  Or at least put his name on a book.  Rick seems not super interested in answering the question.

8:21PM: Huntsman jumps in suggesting that Romney didn't write his own book.  I think we should start calling Jon "The Magic Mormon".  I think that could really catch on for him.

8:22PM: Gingrich points out that President Obama "scares the American people", and gets a huge round of applause.  Newt really hit the nail on the head there.  These tea people are terrified of black peop...umm...socialist policies.

8:24PM: This is a mess, I honestly don't know if I can do this for two hours, Blitzer has no control. 

8:28PM: I think I figured out why I'm so bored right now.  This whole first 20 minutes has been about senior citizens.  Makes perfect sense considering that's roughly 75% of the Republican base, but it's not doing much for me.

8:29PM: Perry brags about how he saved billions of dollars in Texas, and all he had to do was cut half of his Health and Human Services departments. 

8:30PM: Romney suggests capping the federal budget at 20% of GDP.  That's disappointing from Mitt because I know he knows that's a dumbass idea.  There are a few people on this stage that I honestly don't believe are morons, Mitt's one of them.  I'm not sure he's a good guy, and I know I wouldn't vote for him, but he's not an idiot.  I wish he'd stop acting like one.

8:32PM: While I was pontificating about Romney, I think Ron Paul just suggested eliminating every cabinet department.

8:36PM: Huntsman compares our dependence on foreign oil to a heroin addiction.  Not a bad comparison.  Unfortunately, the Republican solution to this particular heroin addiction is to start producing more of our own heroin.  Doesn't every drug addict have that idea at some point?

8:40PM: Perry says "we're tired of spending money on programs we don't want".  I'm so sick of this argument.  Where did people get the idea that the government should only spend tax dollars on things they like?  As a great TV character once said "lots of people don't like tanks...even more don't like Congress".

8:41PM: Cain mentions his hilarious 999 plan again.  That's 9% taxes on everything, for everyone, all the time.  Clearly, Herman believes in job growth through the magic power of tax cuts.

8:43PM: Romney goes over his 7 point plan for the economy again.  Mitt also has a 7 point plan for never getting the Republican nomination. 

8:44PM: Romney keeps saying "Texas is a great state".  Hey Mitt, you're not winning a primary in Texas.  Give it up.

8:46PM: Ron Paul slams Perry on raising taxes and spending in Texas and suggests cutting all the spending we're doing on our little adventures all over the world.  He keeps saying that, and the other candidates keep ignoring him.

8:47PM: Perry dubs Texas "the land of freedom in America".  I don't even know what to say about that one.

8:48PM: Newt says "the American PEOPLE" create jobs, not government.  Yeah, but they aren't.  Then Newt gets the prize for the first mention of Ronald Reagan.  He kept emphasizing the word PEOPLE in a really annoying way. 

8:49PM: Did you know Herman Cain ran a region or something for Burger King?  He's the funniest candidate since Ross Perot.

8:51PM: The other candidates always seem to be smirking whenever Huntsman is talking, like they're thinking "crap, what if people realize he's smarter than us?".

8:56PM: Santorum, once again, brings up his proposal for 0% corporate taxes.  Why don't we just give them all the money?  Just get all your shit together, go empty out your bank account and leave it all at the doorstep of your favorite giant corporation.  Then maybe they'll like us.

9:02PM: Blitzer asked Gingrich about tax breaks for oil companies.  Gingrich answered by bringing up the tax breaks that GE gets.  Good argument Newt; "we're all whores, so it's OK and you just have to live with it". 

9:04PM: Gingrich makes the old Republican point that "we don't have a revenue problem, we have an overspending problem".  Republicans don't really understand how money works, I've noticed that being rich will do that to you sometimes.

9:04PM: Question about the fair tax.  Where's Huckleberry when you need him?  Romney gets booed for pointing out that the fair tax (basically a national sales tax) is incredibly regressive and would take tax burden off of the wealthy and put it on the middle class.  Mitt should have known better.

9:08PM: For the second debate in a row, we're arguing about Rick Perry's evil plan to prevent teenagers from getting genital warts and cervical cancer in Texas.  I think it's weird that multiple Republican candidates seem to be pro genital warts. 

9:10PM: Bachmann accuses Perry of using his HPV vaccine plan as a give away to a drug company that contributed to his campaign.  Perry says he's offended at the suggestion that he can be bought for only $5,000.

9:12PM: Nobody likes genital warts more than Rick Santorum.  I can't believe I'm actually with Rick Perry on something, but seriously, what's wrong with these people?

9:13PM: Cain just said something stupid, but I honestly don't have time to get into it, you'll just have to take my word for it.

9:17PM: Romney just brought up the imaginary Obamacare death panels.  That's some good old fashioned pandering right there. 

9:19PM: Great sequence:
1) Blitzer asked Ron Paul about what should happen if an uninsured 30 year old has a serious accident.
2) Ron basically says screw that guy, he took his own risk, that's what freedom is all about.
3) Blitzer asks "so we should just let him die?"
4) Before Ron can answer, the suggestion of just letting him die gets a huge cheer from the crowd.
Ladies and gentlemen, the tea party.

9:21PM: So let me get this straight, Congresswoman Bachmann.  How do you feel about Obamacare?  I can't tell.  Are you against it?

9:28PM: Rick Perry says the dumbass border fence is a stupid idea.  Listen, if Rick Perry keeps saying things that aren't stupid, I'm going to start getting really nervous.  Also, Santorum just reminded us that "illegal" and "Latino" are synonyms in his brain.

9:31PM: Now Perry's suggesting we treat immigrants like people instead of chasing them back to Mexico with pitchforks.  It's like I've drifted into some alternate universe.  What's happening right now?

9:33PM: Even the other candidates seem confused.  Huntsman just gave a one minute answer that made no sense at all and included calling Rick Perry treasonous for pointing out that you can't just build a fence to keep Mexicans away. 

9:34PM: Now Romney's going on about sanctuary cities and how he wants to build the fence too.  If these guys like fences so much, why don't they just go build one around their houses and leave the rest of us alone?

9:36PM: Huntsman takes a quick swipe at Romney's flip-floppery.  Jon's pretty punchy tonight, I think he knows his time is almost up.  I'm still dizzy from the whole Perry thing.

9:37PM: Blitzer wants to know what Herman Cain will do about energy independence.  Cain basically suggests creating a commission to regulate the EPA's regulation of industry.  That damn EPA, they're always regulating stuff.

9:39PM: Finally, Gingrich mentions 9/11.  Took him long enough.

9:40PM: Ron Paul just drew an important distinction between military spending and defense spending.  There goes crazy Ron again, making good points about how we really wound up with all this debt. 

9:41PM: Santorum accuses Ron of blaming America for 9/11 (Newt really opened up a can of worms here).  Ron looks ready to pounce...go get him Ron!

9:42PM: Ron didn't back down one bit.  He nailed Santorum for bringing up this old idea that they hate us for our freedom and did a solid job of laying out the real reasons some people hate us (and did a good job of pointing out that it's not the whole Muslim world).  He tried to make the point that trying to explain why some people hate us isn't the same as agreeing with some people on why they hate us.  He got booed pretty loudly.

9:45PM: Now Perry's talking about bringing troops home from Afghanistan.  My head hurts.  He also made a good point about helping Afghanistan build infrastructure, although I wish more Republicans were interested in building infrastructure in America. 

9:49PM: Time to learn something about each candidate, Blitzer asked them all what they'd add to the white house.  Nobody said anything worth repeating until Cain said he'd bring a sense of humor.  You said it Herman.

I don't know what to say about this debate.  I've seen this almost reasonable side of Rick Perry before, it's what made me think he was running in the first place.  It's kind of terrifying.  This may be my last Republican debate, we'll see how I feel when the next one happens.

I Have a Question for the NFL

Actually, I have a lot of questions for the NFL.  Like why are there teams in Jacksonville and Tennessee but no team in Los Angeles?  Or why do two New York teams play in New Jersey?  Or why haven't they castrated the Roethlisbozo yet?  Come to think of it, I don't know that they haven't done that last one.

So many questions, but the one that's been bothering me lately is this one.  Why does the NFL bother advertising?  Did you know football is back?  I do, because the TV told me so, over and over again.  It must be costing them millions in advertising.  Why bother?

Does the NFL think there are sports fans all over America who just haven't heard about this whole pro football thing?  Do they think that if they just get the word out, maybe one day their little league will be popular?  Or does the NFL think we forgot which day of the week football happens?  There has to be something better they can do with that money, like paying Brett Favre to go away forever. 
This "football is back" ad campaign makes it seem like the lock-out lasted for three years.  Nobody cares about the lock-out, we didn't miss anything except the stupid hall of fame game.  Stop trying to convince me to watch football.  Trust me, I'm already there.  Just leave me alone and I'll see you on Sunday.

My pre-season picks were pretty solid last year.  I nailed the NFC and Superbowl champion Packers.  As for the AFC, I didn't even have Pittsburgh in the playoffs, but I'm taking a mulligan on that one.  I knew the Steelers would be good, I just refused to pick the Bozo to win anything, a tradition I'll be continuing this year...

AFC playoff teams
1) New England
2) San Diego
3) Baltimore
4) Houston
5) New York
6) Cleveland

AFC playoff results
Baltimore over Cleveland (huge!)
New York over Houston
San Diego over Baltimore (everyone will pick Baltimore here)
New York over New England (again)
San Diego over New York

A Thought for Every AFC Team
Denver: There's no amount of money I wouldn't be willing to pay the Denver Broncos if they let me go the whole season without hearing about Tim Tebow. 

San Diego: I like the Chargers a lot this year.  If Bob Sanders can stay healthy, this could finally be their year.  That sounds like a big if, but Indianapolis always seems to be plagued with injuries, maybe it wasn't Bob's fault.

Cleveland and Pittsburgh: Why Cleveland?  I'm all in on Colt McCoy and all out on the Steelers.  Aside from hating the Bozo, Rashard Mendenhall had something like 700 touches last year.  He may disintegrate on the field at some point this season.

Indianapolis: Any season that starts with Kerry Collins is pretty much guaranteed to end in disappointment.

Buffalo: "Ladies and Gentleman.  With the first pick in the 2012 NFL draft, the Buffalo Bills select Andrew Luck, quarterback from Stanford University"

Kansas City: Opposing defenses should be terrified of Jamaal Charles, but they should feel exactly the opposite about Matt Cassel.

Miami: I think the Heat can be better in their second season togeth...what?  Dolphins? There's still a football team in Miami?

Cincinnati: It's so nice to have the Bengals back.  It's like a warm security blanket of football atrocity.

Houston: No defense + lots of offensive weapons surrounding a somewhat inconsistent quarterback = always fun to watch.  They have to make the playoffs one of these years, right?

Oakland: At least they have Nnamdi...oh wait...crap!

New England: It's hard to pick against New England, but I'm at the point where I need to see them win a playoff game again before I can get back on board. 

Tennessee: As much as Chris Johnson is the man, I'm not counting on a guy who 1) skipped all of training camp and 2) is smaller than I am to carry an otherwise forgettable team to the playoffs.

Baltimore: I really don't like watching the Ravens.  I got bored just trying to think of something to write here.

Jacksonville: Los Angeles is really nice this time of year...or, for that matter, any time of year.

New York: I would also pay almost any amount of money to anyone who could get Rex Ryan to shut up for two straight weeks.  Now let's go eat a goddamn snack!

NFC playoff teams
1) Green Bay
2) Atlanta
3) Philadelphia
4) San Francisco
5) New Orleans
6) Detroit

NFC playoff results
Detroit over Philly (not betting on Vick getting to the end of the season in one piece)
New Orleans over San Francisco
Green Bay over Detroit
Atlanta over New Orleans (really good game)
Green Bay over Atlanta (really REALLY good game, but Atlanta can't win in Green Bay in January)

A Thought for Every NFC Team
Detroit: I'm picking the Lions because I like them, but also because I'm afraid Ndamukong Suh is capable of finding everyone in America who didn't pick the Lions to make the playoffs and beating them all to death.

Green Bay: Here's why I like the Packers to repeat in the NFC.  Last year they won the superbowl, but they did it as a 6 seed, and they did it without some key players.  So now you have a defending champ that didn't have a dominant season, didn't get a home playoff game and has some players returning who didn't participate in the championship run.  I'm more willing to bet on a dominant 14-2 season from Green Bay than a complacent 8-8.

Washington: I'm not one of those people who says Redskins is an offensive name.  I should probably clarify that.  I'm not saying it isn't offensive, it probably is, I just don't care.  On a related note, if you have to watch Washington play this season, chances are you'll be pretty offended.

Tampa Bay: Much like the city of Tampa Bay itself, The Bucs' defense doesn't really exist.

St. Louis: I don't know why everyone likes the Rams so much.  They only won 7 games last year, and look at who they beat.  Calm down everybody.

New York: Something about the Giants this year just screams 8-8.

New Orleans: My fantasy team is counting on a breakout season from Jimmy Graham.  So...get on that Drew Brees.

Chicago: No team did more with less last year than Chicago.  This year, I predict no team will do less with less.

Philadelphia: I think people are forgetting that Philadelphia's defense was awful last year.  And even though Nnamdi is great, the Raiders were awful pretty much the whole time he was there. I guess I'm saying I'm not 100% sold on Philly.

Atlanta: I almost picked Atlanta to win the NFC.  I think the South is too tough for them to get a 1 seed and home field in the playoffs, and that's the only reason I think they lose in the championship game. 

Minnesota: I think Minnesota's success this season will mostly depend on whether or not the Favre exorcism really worked. 

Dallas: Last year I picked Dallas to win the East, and they started the season 1-7.  As a great Texan once said, "Fool me once, shame on...shame on you.  Fool me...you can't get fooled again."

Arizona: A few too many eggs in the Kevin Kolb basket for my liking.  Look what happened to Donovan McNabb after he left Philly.  I'm not saying they're the same quarterback, I'm just saying it may be easier to put up good numbers when you're throwing the ball 97% of the time and your running backs are basically props.

Carolina: Cam Newton still has to convince me that he isn't just a more likable JaMarcus Russell.

Seattle: Boooooooooooo!!! (I've actually always liked Tarvaris Jackson, but still)

San Francisco: Speaking of getting fooled again.  Listen, they play in an awful division that I think might somehow be even worse this year, Patrick Willis is still a monster and...well that's all I can think of.  But much like the Texans, this has to happen one of these years, right?

Superbowl Pick
In one of the most fun superbowls I'll ever see, Chargers 34, Packers 28.

These People Are Idiots

I couldn't miss this debate.  Michele Bachmann has fallen to a distant third in the polls.  By all accounts, her candidacy is fading fast as she's running out of money, running out of support and running out of time.  She'll need to do something big tonight to get noticed again.  You got that?  Michelle Bachmann, the person that I once referred to as one of the ten craziest people in the United States, needs to do something in the next hour and 45 minutes to get noticed.  I couldn't miss this debate.

Consult my last debate post for a rundown of the participants http://somethingclever13.blogspot.com/2011/08/meeting-of-cult-of-tax-cuts.html 
Good ole Tim Pawlenty is gone.  He's been replaced, in a way, by Texas Governor and world renowned George W. Bush impersonator "Rootin Tootin" Rick Perry.

Tonight's debate is hosted by MSNBC, which I think means most questions will be answered with eye rolling and a lecture about gotcha questions.  Without further adieu, live from the oxymoronically named Ronald Reagan Library, it's the second of roughly 10,000 Republican debates. 

8:01PM: Brian Williams goes over the rules, no closing statements, bummer.  That was the best time for Perry to tell us that you don't mess with Texas.

8:03PM: Williams asks Perry about why Texas is so dumb and poor.  He may have put it more delicately. 

8:04PM: Next up, Romney is asked to address his record of profiting from the tears of peasants.  Romney says he tried to make the companies he bought better before he laid everyone off.  Romney also takes the opportunity to call Perry a career politician.

8:07PM: Romney compares Perry's claims of creating jobs in Texas to Al Gore saying he created the internet.  (Zing!)  Then Perry compared Romney to Michael Dukakis (Ouch!) and Romney compared Perry to George W. Bush (That's a low blow, Mitt.  You're better than that.  Well, not really).

8:09PM: With a straight face, Santorum just suggested cutting the corporate tax rate to zero.

8:11PM: Cain followed up by suggesting that all tax rates be changed to 9%.  His logic?  If 10% is good enough for god, 9% should be good enough for the federal government.  And people wonder why I get so mad about religion.

8:12PM: Ding ding!  Huntsman gets the prize for the first mention of Ronald Reagan.  As far as I'm concerned, that's a big upset.  Gingrich must be devastated.

8:14PM: It took Bachmann 45 seconds to say "Obamacare" four times.  In her imagination, Obamacare is killing jobs.  Her imagination is a scary place.

8:15PM: First question to my man Ron Paul.  Williams hits Ron's weak spot, basically pointing out that Ron believes in free market regulation of everything, including drug safety and car safety.  Ron points out that drug companies are already regulating themselves through lobbyists.  Pretty good job getting away from that one.

8:18PM: Gingrich is a like a machine gun of talking points..."class warfare", "bureaucratic socialism"...I"m dizzy.

8:20PM: I've noticed that Romney struggles with pronouncing Obama.  That could come back to haunt him if he gets the nomination.

8:22PM: Williams points out that Texas is last in getting people health care.  Perry responds by saying that what the people of Texas really want is the federal government out of health care.  Maybe, but I bet they'd rather just have health care.

8:24PM: Huntsman talks up his success with health care reform in Utah.  Unfortunately, magic underpants won't work for the rest of the country.

8:25PM: Made up fact alert - Bachmann says Obamacare took over one sixth of the American economy.  Also, one sixth of Bachmann's brain is made of taffy.

8:26PM: Gingrich scolds the moderators for asking questions that get the candidates to disagree with each other.  He's right, it would be a shame if a debate broke out at this Republican party rally.

8:28PM: Ron Paul appeared to be looking through his pockets for his keys while Cain was rambling about something.  I'm bored too Ron.

8:29PM: Williams just asked Santorum why none of these supposed Christians give a crap about poor people.  Santorum seems to be claiming that he ended poverty in 2001.  Hey, somebody tell all the poor people Rick Santorum says they aren't poor anymore.  I'm sure they'll be thrilled.

8:32PM: Now they're taking questions from twitter.  There's some good journalism for ya.

8:33PM: Romney thinks we can become energy secure if we just use all the energy we have.  Seems like the Republicans still believe we can get all the oil we'll ever need if we just dig harder.

8:36PM: Bachmann points out that gas was $1.79 per gallon when President Obama took office.  She left out the fact that it was twice that just a few months earlier before the economy exploded.

8:37PM: Ron Paul points out that he's an actual doctor, but no one bothered to ask him anything when they were talking about health care. 

8:39PM: Ron Paul just suggested that the Reagan years weren't as good as some Republicans say it was, high taxes, high spending, big deficits, etc (all true, by the way).  Then they had to go to commercial because Gingrich threw his podium at Ron.

8:48PM: Perry calls social security a "monstrous lie to our kids" and then takes a swipe at Karl Rove (that was fun). Give Perry some credit, he called social security a ponzi scheme, he's sticking by it hard.  He may not be right, but he's damn sure.  He certainly reminds me of someone.

8:52PM: Cain thinks we should use Chile as a model for social security reform.  I'm gonna go ahead and say that's not going to happen.

8:53PM: Apparently Rick Perry has been forcing teenage girls in Texas to get a genital warts vaccination.  That monster!  Bachmann thinks parents should be in charge of vaccinations, and there's a pretty good example of why she's a moron.

8:56PM: Santorum, not surprisingly, is also against HPV vaccinations for teenagers.  He's droning on about parents' right too.  Rick makes a very frothy point.

9:00PM: Ron Paul wants to privatize the TSA, FEMA and, well, everything.  Ron's an absolutist, and I respect his consistency, but I'm somewhat afraid that President Paul's America would basically be four years of riots. I'm not sure I'm up for that.

9:05PM: Williams keeps asking Perry why Texas sucks so much, this time they're talking about how Texas is last in education.  Perry blamed his poor education record on Mexicans (I'm only like one quarter kidding about that), but he says they're making progress.  Apparently, ten years ago, they were even more last.

9:08PM: Perry says we can secure the Mexican border with roughly 6,000 more troops.  Romney adds the magic fence idea (I don't know what Republicans' fascination is with this fence, is it just that they were all nerds as kids and none of them ever hopped a fence?).

9:12PM: Santorum says he doesn't mind legal immigration if we do it the way we did it back in the '20's when his grandfather immigrated to this country.  You know, back when immigrants were white.

9:14PM: Bachmann wants a fence too.  I wish I could build a sound-proof fence around her.

9:15PM: Cain suggests that we need to "solve all of the problems".  Shit that's a good idea!  Why hasn't that Obama guy thought of that?

9:18PM: Ron Paul mocks the border fence and points out what a stupid idea it is.  Ron's the best.  Seriously, even as he's basically proposing four years of anarchy and chaos, he's literally the best candidate on the stage right now.

9:25PM: I'm starting to wonder if Huntsman's been dumbing it down for the Republican base.  I'd be really interested to see him in a general election.  He just used the word asymmetrical, Perry and Bachmann almost passed out.

9:27PM: Romney wins the prize for being the first to suggest President Obama doesn't love America.  Took him long enough.  No follow-up from Williams.  Nice work Brian.

9:29PM: Perry tipped his 10 gallon hat to the President for getting Bin Laden, but he followed it up by mispronouncing the word props.

9:31PM: Bachmann says the biggest problem in the middle east is a nuclear Iran.  Isn't the entire country of Syria on fire right now?  Hey Williams!  Let Ron Paul get in on that Iran thing.

9:33PM: Santorum appears to believe that we're not fighting enough wars right now.  Will someone please give Ron Paul a microphone.

9:34PM: Pointed question to Huntsman..."who on this stage is anti-science?"  I'm disappointed that he refused to name anyone specific, but he did point out that evolution and climate change are facts, so points for Huntsman.

9:36PM: Predictably, Perry jumps right in about how the science isn't settled on climate change.  Then, Perry makes what is probably my favorite claim of his.  He says Texas cleaned up their air better than anyone else.  I don't think Rick understands that states don't get their own air.  Air moves around.

9:38PM: Williams didn't even ask Bachmann about climate change, but she couldn't help herself.  Double points to Huntsman here, he refused to be the bad guy and point out who the idiots are, but they were nice enough to point themselves out.

9:40PM:  Gingrich keeps ignoring questions and deciding to use his time for other things.  I'm not sure he understands how this works.

9:42PM: Romney says the Obama economy has hurt the middle class more than anyone else.  Yeah!  Those people haven't been able to find jobs ever since Mitt laid them off.  Stupid Obama!

9:43PM: Williams finally found something Texas is first in...death row inmates.  Rick couldn't be stronger in his support for the death penalty.  I wonder if he's ever asked his buddy jesus about it.

9:45PM: Points for Herman Cain for making me laugh out loud by mentioning his 9% taxes for everyone plan again.  He calls it his 999 plan.  He would definitely be the funniest President ever. 

9:48PM: Ron Paul got the last question, but he had to spend it explaining where he stands on federally sponsored school lunches.  Not my favorite question from Williams, I think Ron's been pretty clear on where he stands on the federal government doing anything.

No time for wrap up, time for Rescue Me.  Just keep this in mind...one of these people will have, at worst, a 50/50 shot at the Presidency.

Tea Party Conversations: Health Care

Generic Republican: The government wants to give you health care.
Prospective Tea Person: That's awesome, I need some health care. Thanks for the good news, mysterious stranger.
Generic Republican: No, this is a bad thing, you should be angry about this.
Prospective Tea Person: What? Why?
Generic Republican: The government wants to give you health care.
Prospective Tea Person: Ohhhhhh...wait, I'm still not following you.
Generic Republican: The government wants to force you to buy health insurance.
Prospective Tea Person: But they don't have to force me, I want health insurance.
Generic Republican: But what if you didn't.
Prospective Tea Person: But I do.
Generic Republican: Yeah, but what if you didn't.
Prospective Tea Person: I'm still not following you.
Generic Republican: Right now, you have the freedom to choose health insurance coverage...
Prospective Tea Person: Right...
Generic Republican: ...but the government is going to start providing health insurance to people, and then private providers won't be able to compete with the government's low premiums, so they'll go out of business, and then you won't have a choice.
Prospective Tea Person: ...Oh...
Generic Republican: They're taking away your freedom to choose.
Prospective Tea Person: ...but I like freedom.
Generic Republican: Of course you do.
Prospective Tea Person: But it still sounds like I'll end up with health insurance that's cheaper than what I have now.
Generic Republican: No, what you'll end up with is socialized medicine.
Prospective Tea Person: What does that mean?
Generic Republican: It means the government will come between you and your doctor, ration care and decide who gets life saving procedures and who doesn't.
Prospective Tea Person: Don't insurance companies do that now anyway?
Generic Republican: What you're talking about is just the free market at work, I'm talking about socialism.
Generic Republican: I'm also talking about government funded abortions.
Prospective Tea Person: Wait..what? 
Generic Republican: When the government takes over health care, they'll use your tax dollars to fund abortions.
Prospective Tea Person: But I'm against abortion.
Generic Republican: Sure you are, all good Americans are.
Prospective Tea Person: It's not OK to use my tax dollars for something I don't like, that makes me angry.
Generic Republican: And you know what else? Socialized medicine will make us just like Europe and Canada.
Prospective Tea Person: Well I don't like Europe, but my friends from Canada say they get great health care.
Generic Republican: No, that's just a liberal myth.  Canadians have to wait months to see doctors, and their doctors aren't as good as ours. 
Prospective Tea Person: But what if I'm sick right now?  I can't wait months to see a doctor.
Generic Republican: No you can't. 
Prospective Tea Person: But what about the tens of millions of people in America that don't have health insurance?  Won't the government's plan get them covered?
Generic Republican: First of all, liberals have been exaggerating the number of people without health coverage for years so they can build support for their government take over...
Prospective Tea Person: Oh...
Generic Republican: ...and besides that, people in America aren't really going without health care.  Anyone can just walk into an emergency room right now and get treatment when they need it.
Prospective Tea Person: But isn't health care expensive?  Isn't that why we need insurance in the first place?  How do people pay for their emergency room visits without insurance?
Generic Republican: Well, if the government would just get out of the way and let the free market work, the cost of health care would go down and then people could afford it.
Prospective Tea Person: But before you said the free market is already at work.
Generic Republican: But it could be more at work.  We need lower taxes, less bureaucracy and less regulation so we can grow the economy for people while simultaneously allowing insurance companies to lower prices.
Prospective Tea Person: What do lower taxes have to do with anything?
Generic Republican: Well, a government take over of health care would eventually result in a big tax hike to pay for it.
Prospective Tea Person: But I already pay so much in taxes.
Generic Republican: I know, and the government wants to make you pay even more for their unconstitutional take over of health care.
Prospective Tea Person: Unconstitutional?
Generic Republican: Yup, the government can't make you buy things.
Prospective Tea Person: They make me buy car insurance.
Generic Republican: That's different, you choose to have a car.
Prospective Tea Person: But they're still making me buy something.
Generic Republican: Trust me, it's very different.
Prospective Tea Person: I'm angry and confused.
Generic Republican: Welcome to the tea party, let's get you a George Washington wig!
Tea Person: Yeah!

Tea Party Conversations: Labor Unions

Welcome to the first in my, let's say, 26 part series of tea party conversations.  OK, I don't really know how many parts there will be.  Like most things, I'll keep doing this until I get bored with it and then I won't do it anymore.   

Generic Republican: Those labor unions are trying to bankrupt your state.  Support us, and we'll take them on and put state government back in the hands of the people.
Prospective Tea Person: Wait, aren't labor unions made up of people?
Generic Republican: Well, are you in a union?
Prospective Tea Person: No.
Generic Republican: I didn't think so, union membership is way down in this country over the last 30 years, for some reason.  Unions are made up of other people, different greedy people who aren't you.
Prospective Tea Person: So you're saying labor unions are bad?
Generic Republican: Not exactly, it's just that they're too powerful.  They need to be put in their place.
Prospective Tea Person: How do you plan to do that?
Generic Republican: By stripping collective bargaining rights so they can't hold the state hostage.
Prospective Tea Person: But what good is a union if they can't collectively bargain?
Generic Republican: Exactly, we're not trying to destroy the unions, just take away their power, which is out of control.
Prospective Tea Person: Didn't labor unions play a huge role in building this country and the middle class?
Generic Republican: No, that's the liberal agenda re-writing history.  This country was built on American ingenuity and drive, and freedom and Jesus.
Prospective Tea Person: Oh, I like all of those things.
Generic Republican: Yeah you do.
Generic Republican: Anyway, we're really only talking about public worker unions, like those greedy teachers.
Prospective Tea Person: Don't public labor unions also include police officers and fire fighters?
Generic Republican: Those damn greedy teachers with their fat pensions and five figure salaries and summers off.  Don't you hate working in the summer?
Prospective Tea Person: I really do, it's hot and I just want to go to the beach.
Generic Republican: Beaches are filled with teachers all summer, just sitting in the sun being lazy.
Prospective Tea Person: Well, I don't like that, but isn't education important?  Shouldn't teachers be paid more and given more resources so they can teach our kids?
Generic Republican: There's that liberal media bias twisting reality again.  You don't need some teachers union and some big government bureaucracy to educate your kids.  Don't you know how to educate your kids better than the government?
Prospective Tea Person: Well yeah, but we still need good teachers.  I can't home school my kids, I have my own job.
Generic Republican: Sure. Listen, I wish we could pay everyone more, but we need to balance these state budgets, and this is the only way to do it.
Prospective Tea Person: But what if you just raised ta...
Generic Republican: NO!  No, no, no.  Don't even say it!
Prospective Tea Person: I'm just saying maybe you could balance your budget by taking in a little more money.
Generic Republican: You're talking about redistributing wealth, are you some kind of communist?
Prospective Tea Person: No, I didn't mean...I'm sorry I brought it up.
Generic Republican: It's OK, you're new.
Prospective Tea Person: OK, so I understand why you need to strip collective bargaining rights for unions, but then who will protect the rights of workers if unions can't?  How will they ensure that they're treated fairly?
Generic Republican: See, that's the problem.  These unions aren't about being treated fairly.  They've been using their collective bargaining power to gain an unfair advantage over everyone else.
Prospective Tea Person: Oh, I see.  So, really, you're just leveling the playing field.
Generic Republican: Now you're getting it.  Workers don't need protection anymore.  Nobody wants to exploit them, we just want things to be fair.
Prospective Tea Person: I like it when things are fair.
Generic Republican: Of course you do, everyone does. 
Prospective Tea Person: So, you have to balance the state budget, and the only way to do that is cut pay, pensions and benefits for public workers...
Generic Republican: Right...
Prospective Tea Person: ...but you can't do that if they can collectively bargain, so you have to strip their collective bargaining rights...
Generic Republican: Exactly...
Prospective Tea Person: ...and you're not really destroying the unions, you're just eliminating the unfair advantages they have now.
Generic Republican: Bingo! 
Prospective Tea Person: I'm glad you were here to set me straight.  Here I was thinking labor unions were looking out for workers and regular people.
Generic Republican: I'm glad I could help.  Welcome to the Tea Party, let's get you a tri-corner hat.
Tea Person: Yeah!