Tea Party Conversations: Life

Generic Republican: We're pro-life, join us in working to protect life in America!
Prospective Tea Person: I'm pro-life!  Are other people anti-life?
Generic Republican: Well, maybe not anti-life, but they won't fight to protect it.
Prospective Tea Person: What do you mean?
Generic Republican: Liberals and democrats are pro-abortion.
Prospective Tea Person: I thought they were just pro-choice. 
Generic Republican: That's what I said.
Prospective Tea Person: Is being in favor of a woman's freedom to choose the same as being pro-abortion?
Generic Republican: Yes, yes it is.
Prospective Tea Person: OK, well I'm with you there, I don't like abortion.
Prospective Tea Person: But if you're pro-life, why are you against environmental regulations?
Generic Republican: Environmental regulations kill jobs.  The President and the EPA are destroying the economy just to save some birds and fish that nobody's ever even heard of.
Prospective Tea Person: Oh, so it's like you're protecting the lives of the jobs?
Generic Republican: Yes, exactly!  I should write that down.
Prospective Tea Person: So when you say you're pro-life, you're really talking about human life.
Generic Republican: Exactly.
Prospective Tea Person: OK, I can get on board with that.  Birds are stupid.
Prospective Tea Person: So, you're against the death penalty, right?
Generic Republican: Well no, we're definitely for the death penalty.
Prospective Tea Person: How is that pro-life?
Generic Republican: The death penalty only kills people who already killed someone else.  The bible says an eye for an eye.
Prospective Tea Person: Doesn't the bible also say only god gets to kill people, and something about turning the other cheek?
Generic Republican: I...umm...I don't remember those parts.  Listen, the death penalty is about justice.  You're for justice, aren't you?
Prospective Tea Person: Of course I am, I love justice!
Generic Republican: Do you want murderers to go unpunished?
Prospective Tea Person: Well no, but...
Generic Republican: OK then, I'm glad we settled that.
Prospective Tea Person: But what about health care?
Generic Republican: What do you mean?
Prospective Tea Person: You're against health care, but doesn't health care protect life?
Generic Republican: I'm still not following you.
Prospective Tea Person: Well, I mean, if you're pro-life, wouldn't you be in favor of people having health insurance so they can stay alive longer?
Generic Republican: The liberal media has you all confused. Health care isn't about people staying alive, it's about freedom.
Prospective Tea Person: Freedom?
Generic Republican: Yeah, freedom.  The freedom to choose whether or not you want health insurance, and where you want to get it from.
Prospective Tea Person: I heard most uninsured people don't have insurance because they can't afford it because they're poor.
Generic Republican: No, that's a lie too. Poor people are a liberal myth, Rick Santorum ended poverty like 10 years ago.
Prospective Tea Person: I'm glad to hear that.
Prospective Tea Person: So health care has nothing to do with life?
Generic Republican: That's right, it's all about freedom. You like freedom, right?
Prospective Tea Person: Hell yeah!
Prospective Tea Person: But wait, when we were talking about abortion, I was asking about freedom of choice and you were saying that was a bad thing.
Generic Republican: No, that's different.  Abortion isn't about freedom, it's about life.
Prospective Tea Person: Everything is about something different, I'm so confused.
Generic Republican: I know, it's OK, it's a little confusing at first.  All you need to know for now is we're the tea party, we're pro-life, and now we're going to go protest against health care.  Trust me, it makes perfect sense.
Prospective Tea Person: OK
Generic Republican: Great! Welcome to the tea party.  Here's your misspelled sign!
Tea Person: Yeah!