These People Are Idiots

I couldn't miss this debate.  Michele Bachmann has fallen to a distant third in the polls.  By all accounts, her candidacy is fading fast as she's running out of money, running out of support and running out of time.  She'll need to do something big tonight to get noticed again.  You got that?  Michelle Bachmann, the person that I once referred to as one of the ten craziest people in the United States, needs to do something in the next hour and 45 minutes to get noticed.  I couldn't miss this debate.

Consult my last debate post for a rundown of the participants http://somethingclever13.blogspot.com/2011/08/meeting-of-cult-of-tax-cuts.html 
Good ole Tim Pawlenty is gone.  He's been replaced, in a way, by Texas Governor and world renowned George W. Bush impersonator "Rootin Tootin" Rick Perry.

Tonight's debate is hosted by MSNBC, which I think means most questions will be answered with eye rolling and a lecture about gotcha questions.  Without further adieu, live from the oxymoronically named Ronald Reagan Library, it's the second of roughly 10,000 Republican debates. 

8:01PM: Brian Williams goes over the rules, no closing statements, bummer.  That was the best time for Perry to tell us that you don't mess with Texas.

8:03PM: Williams asks Perry about why Texas is so dumb and poor.  He may have put it more delicately. 

8:04PM: Next up, Romney is asked to address his record of profiting from the tears of peasants.  Romney says he tried to make the companies he bought better before he laid everyone off.  Romney also takes the opportunity to call Perry a career politician.

8:07PM: Romney compares Perry's claims of creating jobs in Texas to Al Gore saying he created the internet.  (Zing!)  Then Perry compared Romney to Michael Dukakis (Ouch!) and Romney compared Perry to George W. Bush (That's a low blow, Mitt.  You're better than that.  Well, not really).

8:09PM: With a straight face, Santorum just suggested cutting the corporate tax rate to zero.

8:11PM: Cain followed up by suggesting that all tax rates be changed to 9%.  His logic?  If 10% is good enough for god, 9% should be good enough for the federal government.  And people wonder why I get so mad about religion.

8:12PM: Ding ding!  Huntsman gets the prize for the first mention of Ronald Reagan.  As far as I'm concerned, that's a big upset.  Gingrich must be devastated.

8:14PM: It took Bachmann 45 seconds to say "Obamacare" four times.  In her imagination, Obamacare is killing jobs.  Her imagination is a scary place.

8:15PM: First question to my man Ron Paul.  Williams hits Ron's weak spot, basically pointing out that Ron believes in free market regulation of everything, including drug safety and car safety.  Ron points out that drug companies are already regulating themselves through lobbyists.  Pretty good job getting away from that one.

8:18PM: Gingrich is a like a machine gun of talking points..."class warfare", "bureaucratic socialism"...I"m dizzy.

8:20PM: I've noticed that Romney struggles with pronouncing Obama.  That could come back to haunt him if he gets the nomination.

8:22PM: Williams points out that Texas is last in getting people health care.  Perry responds by saying that what the people of Texas really want is the federal government out of health care.  Maybe, but I bet they'd rather just have health care.

8:24PM: Huntsman talks up his success with health care reform in Utah.  Unfortunately, magic underpants won't work for the rest of the country.

8:25PM: Made up fact alert - Bachmann says Obamacare took over one sixth of the American economy.  Also, one sixth of Bachmann's brain is made of taffy.

8:26PM: Gingrich scolds the moderators for asking questions that get the candidates to disagree with each other.  He's right, it would be a shame if a debate broke out at this Republican party rally.

8:28PM: Ron Paul appeared to be looking through his pockets for his keys while Cain was rambling about something.  I'm bored too Ron.

8:29PM: Williams just asked Santorum why none of these supposed Christians give a crap about poor people.  Santorum seems to be claiming that he ended poverty in 2001.  Hey, somebody tell all the poor people Rick Santorum says they aren't poor anymore.  I'm sure they'll be thrilled.

8:32PM: Now they're taking questions from twitter.  There's some good journalism for ya.

8:33PM: Romney thinks we can become energy secure if we just use all the energy we have.  Seems like the Republicans still believe we can get all the oil we'll ever need if we just dig harder.

8:36PM: Bachmann points out that gas was $1.79 per gallon when President Obama took office.  She left out the fact that it was twice that just a few months earlier before the economy exploded.

8:37PM: Ron Paul points out that he's an actual doctor, but no one bothered to ask him anything when they were talking about health care. 

8:39PM: Ron Paul just suggested that the Reagan years weren't as good as some Republicans say it was, high taxes, high spending, big deficits, etc (all true, by the way).  Then they had to go to commercial because Gingrich threw his podium at Ron.

8:48PM: Perry calls social security a "monstrous lie to our kids" and then takes a swipe at Karl Rove (that was fun). Give Perry some credit, he called social security a ponzi scheme, he's sticking by it hard.  He may not be right, but he's damn sure.  He certainly reminds me of someone.

8:52PM: Cain thinks we should use Chile as a model for social security reform.  I'm gonna go ahead and say that's not going to happen.

8:53PM: Apparently Rick Perry has been forcing teenage girls in Texas to get a genital warts vaccination.  That monster!  Bachmann thinks parents should be in charge of vaccinations, and there's a pretty good example of why she's a moron.

8:56PM: Santorum, not surprisingly, is also against HPV vaccinations for teenagers.  He's droning on about parents' right too.  Rick makes a very frothy point.

9:00PM: Ron Paul wants to privatize the TSA, FEMA and, well, everything.  Ron's an absolutist, and I respect his consistency, but I'm somewhat afraid that President Paul's America would basically be four years of riots. I'm not sure I'm up for that.

9:05PM: Williams keeps asking Perry why Texas sucks so much, this time they're talking about how Texas is last in education.  Perry blamed his poor education record on Mexicans (I'm only like one quarter kidding about that), but he says they're making progress.  Apparently, ten years ago, they were even more last.

9:08PM: Perry says we can secure the Mexican border with roughly 6,000 more troops.  Romney adds the magic fence idea (I don't know what Republicans' fascination is with this fence, is it just that they were all nerds as kids and none of them ever hopped a fence?).

9:12PM: Santorum says he doesn't mind legal immigration if we do it the way we did it back in the '20's when his grandfather immigrated to this country.  You know, back when immigrants were white.

9:14PM: Bachmann wants a fence too.  I wish I could build a sound-proof fence around her.

9:15PM: Cain suggests that we need to "solve all of the problems".  Shit that's a good idea!  Why hasn't that Obama guy thought of that?

9:18PM: Ron Paul mocks the border fence and points out what a stupid idea it is.  Ron's the best.  Seriously, even as he's basically proposing four years of anarchy and chaos, he's literally the best candidate on the stage right now.

9:25PM: I'm starting to wonder if Huntsman's been dumbing it down for the Republican base.  I'd be really interested to see him in a general election.  He just used the word asymmetrical, Perry and Bachmann almost passed out.

9:27PM: Romney wins the prize for being the first to suggest President Obama doesn't love America.  Took him long enough.  No follow-up from Williams.  Nice work Brian.

9:29PM: Perry tipped his 10 gallon hat to the President for getting Bin Laden, but he followed it up by mispronouncing the word props.

9:31PM: Bachmann says the biggest problem in the middle east is a nuclear Iran.  Isn't the entire country of Syria on fire right now?  Hey Williams!  Let Ron Paul get in on that Iran thing.

9:33PM: Santorum appears to believe that we're not fighting enough wars right now.  Will someone please give Ron Paul a microphone.

9:34PM: Pointed question to Huntsman..."who on this stage is anti-science?"  I'm disappointed that he refused to name anyone specific, but he did point out that evolution and climate change are facts, so points for Huntsman.

9:36PM: Predictably, Perry jumps right in about how the science isn't settled on climate change.  Then, Perry makes what is probably my favorite claim of his.  He says Texas cleaned up their air better than anyone else.  I don't think Rick understands that states don't get their own air.  Air moves around.

9:38PM: Williams didn't even ask Bachmann about climate change, but she couldn't help herself.  Double points to Huntsman here, he refused to be the bad guy and point out who the idiots are, but they were nice enough to point themselves out.

9:40PM:  Gingrich keeps ignoring questions and deciding to use his time for other things.  I'm not sure he understands how this works.

9:42PM: Romney says the Obama economy has hurt the middle class more than anyone else.  Yeah!  Those people haven't been able to find jobs ever since Mitt laid them off.  Stupid Obama!

9:43PM: Williams finally found something Texas is first in...death row inmates.  Rick couldn't be stronger in his support for the death penalty.  I wonder if he's ever asked his buddy jesus about it.

9:45PM: Points for Herman Cain for making me laugh out loud by mentioning his 9% taxes for everyone plan again.  He calls it his 999 plan.  He would definitely be the funniest President ever. 

9:48PM: Ron Paul got the last question, but he had to spend it explaining where he stands on federally sponsored school lunches.  Not my favorite question from Williams, I think Ron's been pretty clear on where he stands on the federal government doing anything.

No time for wrap up, time for Rescue Me.  Just keep this in mind...one of these people will have, at worst, a 50/50 shot at the Presidency.