Undercard

I think it's perfectly fair to ask why we even have Vice Presidential debates.  What kind of person would decide who they're voting for based on what the VP candidates have to say?  And why would we let that person vote?  Honestly, I know they take over if the President dies, but who would bother to assassinate Mitt Romney?  He's basically just a Republican spokes-model, like Reagan was.  A conservative mascot.  It would be like assassinating Ronald McDonald.

So, why watch the Vice Presidential debate?  Well, because something might actually happen, and not just because Joe Biden is a gaffe machine and Paul Ryan lies every time he talks.  These guys only get one shot at this, and after the insane reaction to the first Presidential debate, they both have to feel like there's a lot at stake.  And also, yes, Biden's crazy sometimes, so there's that.

9:00PM: Before the debate on CNN, John King called Paul Ryan a strong advocate for smaller government.  No, that's still a lie.  Then some other guy called Biden "middle class, beer drinking Joe Biden".  He's not some coal miner from West Virginia, he's been in the Senate since he was 30.

9:00PM: OK, I'm going to start by admitting that I don't know who Martha Raddatz is.  I'm not the leading authority on debate moderators or anything, but I feel like that's not a good sign.

9:03PM: On the question of who the fuck the moderator is, my buddy Dave adds "according to Fox News, she caught the bouquet at Obama's wedding or something like that".  Well there you go.

9:05PM: It took approximately 37 seconds for Biden to mention that time when Obama ordered Navy Seals to shoot bin laden in the face.  Good move since Obama never actually got around to that last week.

9:07PM: Ryan says the Obama administration is projecting weakness abroad.  Yeah, all this face shooting and drone attacking looks really weak.  President Romney would go to other countries himself and kill terrorists with his bare hands.

9:09PM: Biden after a three minute Ryan ramble.."with all due respect, that's a bunch of malarkey".  Biden is bringing the zingers tonight.  He could also be a little drunk.  Either way, this should be pretty fun.

9:11PM: We're spending a lot of time arguing about the terrorist attack a couple of weeks ago.  The fact that this is a political argument is really a pox on both of their houses, and I really don't want to talk about it.

9:12PM: Ryan says we should not be apologizing for standing up for our values.  OK, well nobody's doing that, but we'll keep an eye out.

9:15PM: Biden cracks himself up.

9:16PM: Biden keeps calling Ryan "my friend".  Important note, in Delaware, "my friend" means "this douchebag over here".

9:17PM: Ryan on Iran working toward a nuclear weapon.."they're spinning the centrifuges faster".  Wait, is that how building nuclear weapons works?  I honestly don't know.

9:20PM: Biden just called what Ryan was saying "a bunch of stuff".  I think we need an HBO VP debate so Biden can speak freely.

9:21PM: Biden on Iran.."if we ever do have to take action the world will be behind us, and that matters".  Well, not to Republicans.

9:22PM: Biden keeps trying to interrupt every time Ryan talks.  It's really funny.

9:24PM: Stupid question "can you get unemployment under 6% and how long will it take?"  The correct answer is, no, and I have no idea how long it will take before everyone realizes that.

9:27PM: Ryan.."I think the Vice President knows that sometimes the words don't come out of your mouth the right way".  Zing!

9:29PM: We're in the middle of a who can tell the saddest car accident story contest.  Biden won, I think.

9:33PM: I'm starting to think Paul Ryan might not actually be Joe Biden's friend.

9:35PM: Ryan says there's an "Obamacare board" that will be in charge of taking money out of medicare.  There's nothing Republicans hate more than Obamacare boards.  Biden agrees with me saying "it seems that every four years I hear the same thing about these panels". Ha! Although, no matter what you think of Paul Ryan, comparing anyone to Sarah Palin is a low blow.

9:38PM: We're drowning in a horrible discussion about medicare and vouchers now.  I promise to vote for whoever stops talking about this first.

9:41PM: So far I'm still voting for nobody.

9:41PM: It couldn't be any more clear that these two guys can't fucking stand each other.  Biden's five minutes away from ripping his shirt off and challenging Ryan to a wrestling match.

9:45PM: Raddatz finally ended the medicare discussion, so I'm voting for her.  I'm a man of my word.

9:46PM: Are we calling the 2008 economic disaster "The Great Recession" now?  Is that a thing?

9:47PM: Ryan says we shouldn't tax wealthy people more because it won't pay for anything anyway.  I don't really know what to say about that except, so?  Can we just do it for fun?

9:51PM: I'm sorry, I got lost in Paul Ryan's eyes for a few minutes.

9:55PM: Just to be clear, by Paul Ryan's logic, we would never cut the defense budget or make any branch of the military smaller in any way, because it would always be a sign of weakness.

10:00PM: Simple distinction on Afghanistan policy.  Biden (and Obama): We're leaving in 2014, so get your shit together.  Ryan (and Romney): We're leaving when you decide to get your shit together, and we're hoping you do it by 2014.

10:01PM: When Paul Ryan turns on his television these days, he sees the absolute unraveling of the Obama foreign policy.  He needs to check out some other channels.  Has he seen honey boo boo?

10:05PM: Biden is literally yelling at the moderator now about when they pulled the surge troops out of Afghanistan.  If Obama did that he'd get hammered by everyone, but I feel like Biden gets away with it.

10:07PM: Paul Ryan can name any city in Afghanistan.  Just try him.

10:07PM: Biden cracks me up too.

10:10PM: Paul Ryan wants to arm the freedom fighters in Syria.  Right, because arming the rebels in the middle east always works out well and never backfires in any way.

10:14PM: Ryan says you only put troops on the ground for national security interests.  This from the party that invaded Iraq for shits and giggles.

10:15PM: We're talking about religion now.  BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

10:16PM: I should be able to hit Paul Ryan with a shoe whenever he uses the word faith in the same sentence as the words science and reason, unless the sentence is something like "Faith is completely incompatible with science and reason".

10:18PM: Biden says he refuses to impose his religious beliefs on others.  Paul Ryan is baffled by that whole concept.

10:20PM: Republicans believe that reproductive rights (and marriage rights, for that matter) should be up for a majority vote.  I wonder if they'd feel the same way about freedom of religion if they suddenly found themselves in the minority.

Closing statements, mostly nonsense, but I really liked how Biden framed his demeanor.  After seeming kind of angry all night, Biden said, if he seemed a little frustrated, it's because of how Romney and Ryan see the American people.  I don't know if that's bullshit or not, but it was a hell of a way for him to wrap it up.

I'm not sure how to sum this debate up, except to say this.  Every time Paul Ryan was talking, Biden's face was saying "I hate you, I hate you, I'm gonna punch you, I hate you".  Every time Biden was talking, Ryan's face was saying "Oh crap, oh crap, he's telling people all the things I don't really want them to know about".  I would say that Biden was passionate, tough and didn't let Ryan get away with anything. I'd also say that Ryan came off as more affable and maybe more likable, although I think Biden helped himself out with likability at the end, and he's always kind of likable anyway.

I would have bet just about anything on the media saying Biden won tonight no matter what happened, so I assume that'll be the prevailing wisdom.  I kind of don't care because it's a Vice Presidential debate and it doesn't really matter.  See you Tuesday for the next real debate.

Republicans Say The Darndest Things

Whenever Fox hosts a debate, I'm always stuck watching a couple of minutes of O'Reilly before it starts.  I really can't stand him.  Arrogance has to be earned through superior intelligence, but O'Reilly's combination of crazy arrogance and astounding stupidity really defies description.  Also, there appears to be a muffin controversy going on, I'm sure I don't want to know.

Tonight's debate is sponsored by Fox News and Google, and being streamed on Youtube.  Fox anchors Chris Wallace and Bret Baier are doing the questioning, along with Fox "anchor" Megyn Kelly.  Also, there's a new guy on the stage.  Former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson is joining in the fun tonight.  Let's do it.

9:04PM: Perry promises that we'll see a more extensive jobs plan from him, ya know, eventually.

9:05PM: Mitt Romney has a 59 point economic plan.  For a minute there I thought he was going to go over all 59 points, but he stopped at four.  In the earlier debates, it was a seven point plan.  Mitt Romney will keep adding points to his plan until we promise to vote for him.

9:08PM: Bachmann says "people deserve to keep every dollar they earn".  Is she proposing a 0% tax rate?  Somebody had to do it eventually.

9:10PM: Santorum boldly comes out against public worker unions.  It makes sense that Rick hates teachers, some of them know science, and boy does Rick hate science, and gays, and women.

9:11PM: Gingrich says you should have to participate in a training program in order to collect unemployment insurance, because "people should not get money for doing nothing".  Training for what, Newt?  There aren't any fucking jobs!

9:14PM: Huntsman basically dismissed solar and wind energy as crazy future stuff we can't do right now, and sadly, he's probably right.  Ya know, I don't think Ronald Reagan gets called an idiot enough for taking the solar panels off the white house.

9:15PM: Wallace asks Cain about his hilarious 999 tax plan.  Herman understands how much Americans hate math.  Math tests would be much easier if all the answers were just 9.

9:17PM: Question for Ron Paul from a woman named Brandy and a guy in a backwards hat.  Ron promises to veto any bill that violates the 10th amendment.  Of course, that's only going to happen in the crazy alternate universe where Ron Paul actually gets to be President.

9:19PM: Not a good start for Gary Johnson, who says he's run for two political offices in his life, but he was counting the Governorship of New Mexico twice.  He reminds me of someone, but I can't put my finger on it yet.

9:21: We just learned that 44% of Fox viewers think you aren't rich if you earn $500,000 a year.  That concerns me, and so does the fact the Fox's percentages added up to 101.

9:27PM: Romney keeps referring to Perry's book.  Perry's face while he's doing it says "go ahead Mitt, keep tellin em you know how to read, and they'll keep votin for me".

9:28PM: Poor Mitt, he had one good idea as a Governor, and now he has to pretend it never happened.  By the way, is this a debate or a book fair?

9:30PM: Does Mitt Romney believe President Obama is a socialist?  Romney called him something worse, suggesting that the President is sort of European-y.  Ouch.

9:31PM: Kelly asked Huntsman about how 66% of people agree with raising taxes on the wealthy.  Instead of just pointing out that most people are idiots and we shouldn't be putting economic policy up for a majority vote, he went off on a whole taxes=freedom tangent.  I think Jon's been hanging around these morons too long.

9:34PM: Cain says the EPA has gone wild.  Worst "gone wild" video ever.  Then he finishes with "the solution is...fix it!"  OK then.

9:35PM: Gingrich always seems like he's angry that someone dared to ask him a question.  Crap! I forgot to award the prize for the first mention of Ronald Reagan, I think Huntsman got it about ten minutes back.

9:36PM: Everybody gets 30 seconds to bash the Department of Education.  I think my favorite part was Mitt Romney's suggestion that the teachers unions hire more teachers.  That's going to be kind of tough when we're busting the teachers unions and eliminating all federal funding for public education. 

9:43PM: Bachmann says she'd go over to the Department of Education and "turn out the lights".  I think she's got how you eliminate a cabinet department confused with how you put a parrot to sleep.

9:45PM: Ohhh, we're talking about the stupid border fence again.  This is like Groundhog Day, only instead of hilarious Bill Murray antics, I'm getting terrible Republican ideas over and over again.

If anyone's interested, here's what I think about immigration http://somethingclever13.blogspot.com/2010/04/guardians-of-secret.html
I don't know if I'm right, but I know I'm smarter than these people.

9:57PM: Fox appears to be using google searches for coupons as a measure of economic health.  It didn't even lead to a question, it was just two minutes of random facts about what people are googling followed by a commercial break.  Sigh.

10:03PM: Foreign policy time.  Romney suggests we should never disagree with Israel, ever, on anything.  I guess that's one way to do it.

10:04PM: Everyone shut up and let Ron Paul talk! Damnit! What do I care what Herman Cain thinks about foreign policy?  Do they have a lot of Godfather's Pizza franchises in Jerusalem?

10:06PM: Perry is doing the old George Bush "watch me pronounce these foreigner names" trick.  They actually asked him a really good question about what he'd do if Pakistan lost command and control of their nuclear weapons.  Spoiler alert...Rick didn't answer the question.

10:07PM: Rick Santorum is the Mozart of warmongering.

10:10PM: Stupid question about the foreign aid budget.  Who screens these questions?

10:11PM: Somehow Bret Baier's question about our Cuba policy led Gary Johnson right back to his talking point about balancing the federal budget. 

10:12PM: They went through the whole foreign policy section without asking Ron Paul or the former ambassador to China, Jon Huntsman, any questions.  Fuck you Fox.

10:16PM: The Republican crowd just booed a gay soldier.  Proud moment for Florida.

10:16PM: Santorum refers to repealing don't ask don't tell as giving homosexual soldiers a "special privilege".  Somehow, in Rick Santorum's mind, kicking gay people out of the military is making sex "not an issue" and treating everyone the same.  I've made this point before.  If you hate a certain group of people, just say that, and then we can judge you.  Don't stand there and try to convince me that not discriminating against a certain group of people is somehow "treating them special".  You are awarded no points, Rick Santorum, and may your imaginary god have mercy on your soul.

10:23PM: If Chris Wallace isn't going to make these people actually answer the questions, I really don't know what he's doing there. 

10:26PM: Bachmann refuses to apologize for suggesting that the HPV vaccine causes mental retardation and defends herself by saying she never made that claim, she just repeated it when someone else said it.  It's like she's trying in each debate to say something stupider than anything she said in the previous debate.

10:27PM: I'm still a little concerned that Rick Perry has to defend his opposition to cancer, but he's doing a solid job of it.  I don't know if he actually gives a crap about preventing cervical cancer in Texas, but he's certainly doing a good job of seeming like he does.

10:30PM: Romney only has two gears, way too passive or super-dismissive asshole.  He's going to need to find a middle ground.

10:32PM: Perry seems a little frustrated right now, like he's tired of this.  I don't blame him, he just spent three minutes arguing with Michele Bachmann about whether or not preventing cancer is good.  But he gets this really whiny tone in his voice when he gets annoyed, he needs to work on that.

10:38PM: Hunstman just mentioned some small town sheriff from New Hampshire.  Now that's what I call pandering!

10:40PM: Mitt says we're the only people in the world who put our hands over our hearts during the national anthem.  That can't be true, can it?

I just want to make this point again, because we're smack in the middle of a Reagan-fest right now.  Ronald Reagan was a corporate shill who destroyed the middle class and set us on the path that led to the economic disaster of 2008.  If our economy never comes all the way back, and America is never quite the same, history will record that our downfall started at the moment of Ronald Reagan's inauguration.  This insidious idea that Reagan was some kind of great leader is one of the many things currently destroying the Republican party.

10:48PM: Why does Newt always have to make some kind of snide remark about every question?  Just answer the questions man. I know you're not that bright, but they aren't that hard.

10:51PM: The final question asked each candidate who on the stage they would choose as a running mate.  Rick Santorum suggested that he would run with Newt Gingrich.  I'm gonna go hide under my bed for a while now.

These People Are Idiots

I couldn't miss this debate.  Michele Bachmann has fallen to a distant third in the polls.  By all accounts, her candidacy is fading fast as she's running out of money, running out of support and running out of time.  She'll need to do something big tonight to get noticed again.  You got that?  Michelle Bachmann, the person that I once referred to as one of the ten craziest people in the United States, needs to do something in the next hour and 45 minutes to get noticed.  I couldn't miss this debate.

Consult my last debate post for a rundown of the participants http://somethingclever13.blogspot.com/2011/08/meeting-of-cult-of-tax-cuts.html 
Good ole Tim Pawlenty is gone.  He's been replaced, in a way, by Texas Governor and world renowned George W. Bush impersonator "Rootin Tootin" Rick Perry.

Tonight's debate is hosted by MSNBC, which I think means most questions will be answered with eye rolling and a lecture about gotcha questions.  Without further adieu, live from the oxymoronically named Ronald Reagan Library, it's the second of roughly 10,000 Republican debates. 

8:01PM: Brian Williams goes over the rules, no closing statements, bummer.  That was the best time for Perry to tell us that you don't mess with Texas.

8:03PM: Williams asks Perry about why Texas is so dumb and poor.  He may have put it more delicately. 

8:04PM: Next up, Romney is asked to address his record of profiting from the tears of peasants.  Romney says he tried to make the companies he bought better before he laid everyone off.  Romney also takes the opportunity to call Perry a career politician.

8:07PM: Romney compares Perry's claims of creating jobs in Texas to Al Gore saying he created the internet.  (Zing!)  Then Perry compared Romney to Michael Dukakis (Ouch!) and Romney compared Perry to George W. Bush (That's a low blow, Mitt.  You're better than that.  Well, not really).

8:09PM: With a straight face, Santorum just suggested cutting the corporate tax rate to zero.

8:11PM: Cain followed up by suggesting that all tax rates be changed to 9%.  His logic?  If 10% is good enough for god, 9% should be good enough for the federal government.  And people wonder why I get so mad about religion.

8:12PM: Ding ding!  Huntsman gets the prize for the first mention of Ronald Reagan.  As far as I'm concerned, that's a big upset.  Gingrich must be devastated.

8:14PM: It took Bachmann 45 seconds to say "Obamacare" four times.  In her imagination, Obamacare is killing jobs.  Her imagination is a scary place.

8:15PM: First question to my man Ron Paul.  Williams hits Ron's weak spot, basically pointing out that Ron believes in free market regulation of everything, including drug safety and car safety.  Ron points out that drug companies are already regulating themselves through lobbyists.  Pretty good job getting away from that one.

8:18PM: Gingrich is a like a machine gun of talking points..."class warfare", "bureaucratic socialism"...I"m dizzy.

8:20PM: I've noticed that Romney struggles with pronouncing Obama.  That could come back to haunt him if he gets the nomination.

8:22PM: Williams points out that Texas is last in getting people health care.  Perry responds by saying that what the people of Texas really want is the federal government out of health care.  Maybe, but I bet they'd rather just have health care.

8:24PM: Huntsman talks up his success with health care reform in Utah.  Unfortunately, magic underpants won't work for the rest of the country.

8:25PM: Made up fact alert - Bachmann says Obamacare took over one sixth of the American economy.  Also, one sixth of Bachmann's brain is made of taffy.

8:26PM: Gingrich scolds the moderators for asking questions that get the candidates to disagree with each other.  He's right, it would be a shame if a debate broke out at this Republican party rally.

8:28PM: Ron Paul appeared to be looking through his pockets for his keys while Cain was rambling about something.  I'm bored too Ron.

8:29PM: Williams just asked Santorum why none of these supposed Christians give a crap about poor people.  Santorum seems to be claiming that he ended poverty in 2001.  Hey, somebody tell all the poor people Rick Santorum says they aren't poor anymore.  I'm sure they'll be thrilled.

8:32PM: Now they're taking questions from twitter.  There's some good journalism for ya.

8:33PM: Romney thinks we can become energy secure if we just use all the energy we have.  Seems like the Republicans still believe we can get all the oil we'll ever need if we just dig harder.

8:36PM: Bachmann points out that gas was $1.79 per gallon when President Obama took office.  She left out the fact that it was twice that just a few months earlier before the economy exploded.

8:37PM: Ron Paul points out that he's an actual doctor, but no one bothered to ask him anything when they were talking about health care. 

8:39PM: Ron Paul just suggested that the Reagan years weren't as good as some Republicans say it was, high taxes, high spending, big deficits, etc (all true, by the way).  Then they had to go to commercial because Gingrich threw his podium at Ron.

8:48PM: Perry calls social security a "monstrous lie to our kids" and then takes a swipe at Karl Rove (that was fun). Give Perry some credit, he called social security a ponzi scheme, he's sticking by it hard.  He may not be right, but he's damn sure.  He certainly reminds me of someone.

8:52PM: Cain thinks we should use Chile as a model for social security reform.  I'm gonna go ahead and say that's not going to happen.

8:53PM: Apparently Rick Perry has been forcing teenage girls in Texas to get a genital warts vaccination.  That monster!  Bachmann thinks parents should be in charge of vaccinations, and there's a pretty good example of why she's a moron.

8:56PM: Santorum, not surprisingly, is also against HPV vaccinations for teenagers.  He's droning on about parents' right too.  Rick makes a very frothy point.

9:00PM: Ron Paul wants to privatize the TSA, FEMA and, well, everything.  Ron's an absolutist, and I respect his consistency, but I'm somewhat afraid that President Paul's America would basically be four years of riots. I'm not sure I'm up for that.

9:05PM: Williams keeps asking Perry why Texas sucks so much, this time they're talking about how Texas is last in education.  Perry blamed his poor education record on Mexicans (I'm only like one quarter kidding about that), but he says they're making progress.  Apparently, ten years ago, they were even more last.

9:08PM: Perry says we can secure the Mexican border with roughly 6,000 more troops.  Romney adds the magic fence idea (I don't know what Republicans' fascination is with this fence, is it just that they were all nerds as kids and none of them ever hopped a fence?).

9:12PM: Santorum says he doesn't mind legal immigration if we do it the way we did it back in the '20's when his grandfather immigrated to this country.  You know, back when immigrants were white.

9:14PM: Bachmann wants a fence too.  I wish I could build a sound-proof fence around her.

9:15PM: Cain suggests that we need to "solve all of the problems".  Shit that's a good idea!  Why hasn't that Obama guy thought of that?

9:18PM: Ron Paul mocks the border fence and points out what a stupid idea it is.  Ron's the best.  Seriously, even as he's basically proposing four years of anarchy and chaos, he's literally the best candidate on the stage right now.

9:25PM: I'm starting to wonder if Huntsman's been dumbing it down for the Republican base.  I'd be really interested to see him in a general election.  He just used the word asymmetrical, Perry and Bachmann almost passed out.

9:27PM: Romney wins the prize for being the first to suggest President Obama doesn't love America.  Took him long enough.  No follow-up from Williams.  Nice work Brian.

9:29PM: Perry tipped his 10 gallon hat to the President for getting Bin Laden, but he followed it up by mispronouncing the word props.

9:31PM: Bachmann says the biggest problem in the middle east is a nuclear Iran.  Isn't the entire country of Syria on fire right now?  Hey Williams!  Let Ron Paul get in on that Iran thing.

9:33PM: Santorum appears to believe that we're not fighting enough wars right now.  Will someone please give Ron Paul a microphone.

9:34PM: Pointed question to Huntsman..."who on this stage is anti-science?"  I'm disappointed that he refused to name anyone specific, but he did point out that evolution and climate change are facts, so points for Huntsman.

9:36PM: Predictably, Perry jumps right in about how the science isn't settled on climate change.  Then, Perry makes what is probably my favorite claim of his.  He says Texas cleaned up their air better than anyone else.  I don't think Rick understands that states don't get their own air.  Air moves around.

9:38PM: Williams didn't even ask Bachmann about climate change, but she couldn't help herself.  Double points to Huntsman here, he refused to be the bad guy and point out who the idiots are, but they were nice enough to point themselves out.

9:40PM:  Gingrich keeps ignoring questions and deciding to use his time for other things.  I'm not sure he understands how this works.

9:42PM: Romney says the Obama economy has hurt the middle class more than anyone else.  Yeah!  Those people haven't been able to find jobs ever since Mitt laid them off.  Stupid Obama!

9:43PM: Williams finally found something Texas is first in...death row inmates.  Rick couldn't be stronger in his support for the death penalty.  I wonder if he's ever asked his buddy jesus about it.

9:45PM: Points for Herman Cain for making me laugh out loud by mentioning his 9% taxes for everyone plan again.  He calls it his 999 plan.  He would definitely be the funniest President ever. 

9:48PM: Ron Paul got the last question, but he had to spend it explaining where he stands on federally sponsored school lunches.  Not my favorite question from Williams, I think Ron's been pretty clear on where he stands on the federal government doing anything.

No time for wrap up, time for Rescue Me.  Just keep this in mind...one of these people will have, at worst, a 50/50 shot at the Presidency.

Sticks and Stones

It seems like a weird time for our politics. Lots of anger and shouting and name calling. OK, that doesn't sound all that weird, but it seems to be turned up quite a bit lately. Some people are worried about all this rhetoric being a preamble to something. I don't blame people for worrying.

To be more specific, I don't blame genuinely worried people. On the other hand, people exploiting threats for political gain should find something more constructive to do with themselves. Maybe they should take up pot smoking. It'll totally mellow them out, and they'll most likely lose their jobs so we won't have to deal with them anymore.

Political assassination is a scary thing, because it only takes one lunatic to take a shot at someone. I think threats and violence against big important people like Presidents and Congressmen, or even just celebrities, anyone who has serious security, remind us how unsafe us regular folks are sometimes. So I don't blame people for being worried.

Me? I'm not that worried. I don't think something bad is about to happen. Or, more accurately, I don't think something bad is any more likely to happen now than it normally would be. This strikes me more as a Republican temper tantrum, mixed with the loud, obnoxious racism, homophobia and general intolerance of the tea idiots. Put them together and it looks kind of scary.

But really, the tea people aren't violent, they're just super angry and not terribly bright. And the Republicans aren't violent either. They're mad because they lost an election, and then another one. Then, they really thought they had this health care thing won, and they lost that too. I think this is just the political equivalent of Republicans kicking the wall and calling the Democrats big fat poopyheads. They'll get over it, we just need to get them some ice cream, or take them to McDonald's for dinner, that always did it for me.

Speaking of poopyheads, I have a question for Republicans. Every once in a while, I'll hear some TV bobblehead complain about President Obama's secret plan to redistribute the wealth. They paint him as some kind of evil, big government Robinhood, using taxes and health care to steal from the rich and give to the poor. This, of course, is what makes him a socialist who's destroying America.

Here's my question. Where were all the so-called conservatives when your hero Ronald Reagan was dismantling the middle class with his ridiculous economic theory and redistributing what little wealth they had to rich people? I don't like redistribution of wealth either way, because that's not what the government is supposed to be doing. But it seems to me that a lot of the people calling themselves "conservatives" today are OK with redistributing wealth as long as it's moving upward.

The interesting thing is how many regular, everyday people seem to be all for it. How do you get regular people so angry about making it harder for insurance companies to screw us? Or regulating banks? Or taxing the wealthy? Two theories. The first is the old myth of the American dream. Everyone's planning for the day they get rich. That's an old theory and still a perfectly plausible one. But I have a better idea.

Stockholm syndrome. The insurance companies and the banks and all the other big corporations are holding us hostage. They threaten to set the economy on fire if we don't bail them out. They threaten to raise premiums if health care reform passes. They threaten to lay people off and raise prices if taxes go up. If the government upsets the status quo, the corporations punish the people, that's the threat. And so many of the people buy right into it, but it's not because they're stupid. Being a hostage sucks, you can't blame people for begging the cops to give the hostage takers whatever they want, and you can't blame people for identifying with their captors, it happens all the time.

I guess this means I can't call the tea people stupid anymore (damn, I was really enjoying that). No more calling them tea idiots, or stupid ignorant racist homophobes. Wait, I can still call some of them racist homophobes, that part doesn't really have anything to do with the rest of this, some of those people just really don't like black people (and Arabs, and Muslims, and the gays, oh and Mexicans, we're about to start talking about immigration reform again, I'm pretty sure I can guess where the tea people will stand). But I can't call them stupid anymore, and I won't.

And, honestly, they aren't stupid. They're mostly regular, hard-working people who want what's best for the country. They look stupid sometimes because they're getting all riled up and mislead by the likes of Beck and Hannity and Palin and Bachmann. Ah...I feel so much better, that last sentence just reminded me that I still have plenty of people to call stupid.