Pointless

Nothing could be more pointless than this Vice Presidential debate.  Vice Presidents are pointless in general, but this specific election renders them especially futile.  Hillary Clinton has been running for President since she was 5.  Even dead Hillary Clinton wouldn't give up the Presidency.  Tim Kaine has a better chance of being named President of Jupiter than he does of taking over for Hillary Clinton at any point.

The Trump situation seems different at first glance.  I've speculated over the last year that Trump is the kind of guy who would be President for a few months, get bored and frustrated with it and decide he's leaving because Miss Universe isn't going to fat shame herself.  And nothing we've seen from Trump would suggest that he isn't a giant child who is perfectly capable of that kind of move, but I don't know.  First, it's hard to imagine Trump giving up that kind of power.  Second, even if he left after a few months, that's plenty of time for him.  I doubt there would be a government left for Mike Pence to lead by then anyway.

This is a giant waste of everyone's time.  Unfortunately, I've developed a little bit of OCD about blogging debates, so we're going to watch these two jars of mayonnaise argue over which one of them is more tangy.  Or less tangy?  I'm not really sure which one of those is better in this context.

9:02PM: Shep Smith just told me that Donald Trump will be live tweeting throughout the debate.  This election is genuinely surreal.

9:04PM: The moderator tonight is someone from CBS who I have literally never heard of.  Her name is Elaine.  She seems nice.

9:05PM: They're doing the set up where they sit at a desk together with the moderator.  I would love to see Trump attempt this set up.  I feel like he couldn't stay seated for 90 minutes.

9:06PM: Tim Kaine looks and sounds like one of the adults from Sesame Street.  Also, apparently Tim was a missionary at some point, so I'm already not a big fan.

9:08PM: Pence started out by thanking Norwood University for their wonderful hospitality.  Unfortunately, he's at Longwood University.  Not a good start big guy.

9:09PM: Pence started out with the aw shucks I never thought I'd be here routine.  Believe me Mike, lots of people never thought they'd be one month away from Vice President Pence.

9:11PM: Elaine asked Tim why people don't trust Hillary.  Tim responded by explaining why he does trust her, and then trashed Trump for a little bit and threw some shade at Pence for defending Trump.  Tim came out swinging in the most polite way possible.

9:12PM: Elaine asked Pence why people think Trump is such a risky choice.  Mike responded by trashing Hillary for a minute.  Can they not hear Elaine's questions?  What's happening?

9:14PM: Kaine keeps interrupting Pence.  It's like he someone told him to watch last week's debate and then go be as Trumpy as possible.  It's weird, but it may be working.  Mike seems legitimately uncomfortable.

9:17PM: Pence just said he cut unemployment in half in Indiana while Kaine doubled unemployment in Virginia.  It's worth pointing out that Pence became Governor in 2012, in the middle of a recovery, while Kaine was Governor between 2006 and 2010.  You might remember the little economic oopsie we had in 2008.  It's why none of you can ever retire, ever.

9:20PM: Mike is shaking his head sarcastically as Tim accuses him of single-handedly holding off a minimum wage increase in Indiana.  That seems pretty true, so I'm curious to hear what Mike has to say about it.  He said nothing, I guess the head shake was plenty.

9:22PM: Pence just accused Barack Obama of running the economy into a ditch.  Kaine pointed out that Pence's accusation was factually inaccurate.  Pence responded by saying that you can roll out all the numbers you want but people in Scranton know the real story.  Pence is notoriously immune to facts.

9:24PM: Now they're arguing about Trump's taxes.  I have to say I don't care about this issue.  Trump can pay taxes or not pay taxes.  I'm just not really that interested in it.  If he released his tax returns and everything was in good order, would that somehow make him an acceptable candidate?

9:28PM: This is a strange debate.  Pence won't acknowledge facts or his own voting record.

9:30PM: On to cops and guns and stuff.  Kaine wants to focus on community policing, mental health and gun violence.  Tim doesn't want to frisk you.

9:31PM: Pence's uncle was a cop.  He says "police officers are the best of us".  Like, all of them?  100% of them?  That seems overly simplistic.  He went on the say we shouldn't use a broad brush to describe law enforcement.  It's like Mike can't hear himself talk.

9:34PM: Mike's opinions about police shootings are almost too stupid to summarize.  He's using one example of when a black cop shot a black guy to make the argument that police shootings aren't related to any inherent bias in our system.  I can't believe this guy ran a state.

9:38PM: Kaine did a really nice job of summing up this whole section by saying that having a racist in the White House probably won't help the whole racial divide situation.  Pence had no response.

9:39PM: Pence just accused immigrants of driving wages down.  Pence keeps wages down, we just covered that like 15 minutes ago.

9:40PM: Pence just criticized Clinton's basket of deplorables comment.  I wish Kaine would just say she was right and Pence should be ashamed of his campaign.  Tim did not say that.

9:42PM: They're arguing pretty incoherently about immigration now.  All you really need to know about this is, both parties believe immigration is a winning issue for them, and in some ways they're both right.  As such, neither party actually wants to solve the issue.  And they won't.

9:47PM: Kaine said Donald Trump can't start a twitter war with Miss Universe without shooting himself in the foot.  Solid line from Tim, I'm sure it went over really well in practice.  Tim is being really aggressive, you just can't tell because of his face.

9:49PM: Pence says America is less safe today than it was when Barack Obama took office.  Then he talked about 9/11.  I don't know why we keep letting Republicans bring up 9/11 as if some guy they never met was President then.  Why is ISIS 100% Hillary and Obama's fault but 9/11 was just a thing that happened?

9:51PM: How is Mike Pence going to stop home grown terror?  He's going to keep immigrants out.  I'm not sure Mike understands what home grown means.  Elaine was nice enough to point that out for me.

9:53PM: Somehow we're arguing about immigration again, and also Syrian refugees.  I thought Pence was a big Jesus guy.  I'm not an expert on what Jesus would say about refugees, but I don't think it would be "fuck 'em".

9:55PM: Tim is saying alliances and sharing intelligence are really important for fighting terror, and Trump's not really the guy for that.  Pence is pretending Trump never said NATO is obsolete.  He did though.

9:56PM: Elaine is trying to ask them about Syria but now they're arguing about Hillary's emails.  Elaine has zero patience for these guys and I'm a big fan.

9:58PM: Pence just called Putin a small and bullying leader.  Trump's not going to like that.  Then he said we need to rebuild our military, which is absolute nonsense.

9:59PM: Honestly, Pence is so much worse than Trump.  He's coherently lying and distorting reality.  Unlike Trump, you feel like he actually knows better and it's so frustrating.

10:02PM: Kaine was going on for a while about how Trump wasn't supporting troops and first responders on 9/11 if he wasn't paying taxes.  Elaine keeps reminding them that she asked about Syria.

10:04PM: Pence said "we just need American strength".  That really couldn't be a better summary of Republican foreign policy.  We don't need plans or allies or all that smarty pants bullshit, just strength.

10:05PM: Tim just suggested that Trump is a "fool or maniac".  Pence said that's below even Tim and Hillary.  Has Mike met his running mate?  Because that seems pretty accurate.

10:07PM: Kaine pointed out that every time he asks Mike to defend Trump's positions and statements, Mike passes on the opportunity.  Mike says he's happy to defend Trump.  He didn't, and hasn't yet, but he swears it's coming.  Editorial note from later...it never did.

10:11PM: It's telling that Mike thinks Tim is insulting him when Tim simply repeats things that Trump has said.  "How dare you bring up things I've said" would be an excellent Trump campaign slogan.

10:14PM: Hillary's love of canned zingers has rubbed off on Tim and it's not enjoyable.  Mike is wisely pointing them out and trying to get Tim off his game.

10:17PM: How would Mike Pence deal with North Korea's nuclear weapons program?  He'd criticize Barack Obama and then start talking about the Clinton Foundation.  Take that Kim Jong Whatever!

10:20PM: Kaine just compared Trump's organization to an octopus.  Wrong Timmy!  Octopuses are smart.

10:21PM: We should let Elaine kick both of these guys in the balls at the end of the debate.

10:21PM: Would Tim Kaine take preemptive action if intelligence said North Korea was launching a nuclear weapon?  Shit just got real.  Tim said yes, though he seemed unclear on what kind of preemptive action he'd take.

10:23PM: It's time to talk about social issues, which means it's time for me to remember why I hate Mike Pence so much.

10:24PM: Tim says he doesn't believe the doctrines of any one religion should be mandated for everyone.  It's sad that he actually has to say that out loud, and sadder that Mike will pretend to agree even though he clearly doesn't.

10:26PM: OK my bad.  Mike actually made no effort to pretend he doesn't think his religious beliefs should be imposed on everyone.  Honestly points for Mike, I guess?

10:29PM: Tim Kaine makes an excellent case for pro-life policies.  It was short and rational and honest and made perfect sense.  Solid work by Tim, asking why Pence doesn't trust women to make their own choices.  I have no jokes for this.  Just a really solid minute from Tim on abortion rights.

They're doing a final question about how they'll bring the country together if they win, and I simply don't care so let's wrap this up.  I honestly feel bad for both of these guys.  Tim Kaine's job tonight was to convince people that they should like and trust Hillary Clinton.  Mike Pence's job was to sit there for 90 minutes and pretend Donald Trump isn't a dangerous maniac.  I think both of these guys, even Pence who I honestly fucking hate, deserve gold stars for effort on this one.  Kaine pretty obviously won, but it's not like Pence had anything good to work with.  See you next time.