Pointless

Nothing could be more pointless than this Vice Presidential debate.  Vice Presidents are pointless in general, but this specific election renders them especially futile.  Hillary Clinton has been running for President since she was 5.  Even dead Hillary Clinton wouldn't give up the Presidency.  Tim Kaine has a better chance of being named President of Jupiter than he does of taking over for Hillary Clinton at any point.

The Trump situation seems different at first glance.  I've speculated over the last year that Trump is the kind of guy who would be President for a few months, get bored and frustrated with it and decide he's leaving because Miss Universe isn't going to fat shame herself.  And nothing we've seen from Trump would suggest that he isn't a giant child who is perfectly capable of that kind of move, but I don't know.  First, it's hard to imagine Trump giving up that kind of power.  Second, even if he left after a few months, that's plenty of time for him.  I doubt there would be a government left for Mike Pence to lead by then anyway.

This is a giant waste of everyone's time.  Unfortunately, I've developed a little bit of OCD about blogging debates, so we're going to watch these two jars of mayonnaise argue over which one of them is more tangy.  Or less tangy?  I'm not really sure which one of those is better in this context.

9:02PM: Shep Smith just told me that Donald Trump will be live tweeting throughout the debate.  This election is genuinely surreal.

9:04PM: The moderator tonight is someone from CBS who I have literally never heard of.  Her name is Elaine.  She seems nice.

9:05PM: They're doing the set up where they sit at a desk together with the moderator.  I would love to see Trump attempt this set up.  I feel like he couldn't stay seated for 90 minutes.

9:06PM: Tim Kaine looks and sounds like one of the adults from Sesame Street.  Also, apparently Tim was a missionary at some point, so I'm already not a big fan.

9:08PM: Pence started out by thanking Norwood University for their wonderful hospitality.  Unfortunately, he's at Longwood University.  Not a good start big guy.

9:09PM: Pence started out with the aw shucks I never thought I'd be here routine.  Believe me Mike, lots of people never thought they'd be one month away from Vice President Pence.

9:11PM: Elaine asked Tim why people don't trust Hillary.  Tim responded by explaining why he does trust her, and then trashed Trump for a little bit and threw some shade at Pence for defending Trump.  Tim came out swinging in the most polite way possible.

9:12PM: Elaine asked Pence why people think Trump is such a risky choice.  Mike responded by trashing Hillary for a minute.  Can they not hear Elaine's questions?  What's happening?

9:14PM: Kaine keeps interrupting Pence.  It's like he someone told him to watch last week's debate and then go be as Trumpy as possible.  It's weird, but it may be working.  Mike seems legitimately uncomfortable.

9:17PM: Pence just said he cut unemployment in half in Indiana while Kaine doubled unemployment in Virginia.  It's worth pointing out that Pence became Governor in 2012, in the middle of a recovery, while Kaine was Governor between 2006 and 2010.  You might remember the little economic oopsie we had in 2008.  It's why none of you can ever retire, ever.

9:20PM: Mike is shaking his head sarcastically as Tim accuses him of single-handedly holding off a minimum wage increase in Indiana.  That seems pretty true, so I'm curious to hear what Mike has to say about it.  He said nothing, I guess the head shake was plenty.

9:22PM: Pence just accused Barack Obama of running the economy into a ditch.  Kaine pointed out that Pence's accusation was factually inaccurate.  Pence responded by saying that you can roll out all the numbers you want but people in Scranton know the real story.  Pence is notoriously immune to facts.

9:24PM: Now they're arguing about Trump's taxes.  I have to say I don't care about this issue.  Trump can pay taxes or not pay taxes.  I'm just not really that interested in it.  If he released his tax returns and everything was in good order, would that somehow make him an acceptable candidate?

9:28PM: This is a strange debate.  Pence won't acknowledge facts or his own voting record.

9:30PM: On to cops and guns and stuff.  Kaine wants to focus on community policing, mental health and gun violence.  Tim doesn't want to frisk you.

9:31PM: Pence's uncle was a cop.  He says "police officers are the best of us".  Like, all of them?  100% of them?  That seems overly simplistic.  He went on the say we shouldn't use a broad brush to describe law enforcement.  It's like Mike can't hear himself talk.

9:34PM: Mike's opinions about police shootings are almost too stupid to summarize.  He's using one example of when a black cop shot a black guy to make the argument that police shootings aren't related to any inherent bias in our system.  I can't believe this guy ran a state.

9:38PM: Kaine did a really nice job of summing up this whole section by saying that having a racist in the White House probably won't help the whole racial divide situation.  Pence had no response.

9:39PM: Pence just accused immigrants of driving wages down.  Pence keeps wages down, we just covered that like 15 minutes ago.

9:40PM: Pence just criticized Clinton's basket of deplorables comment.  I wish Kaine would just say she was right and Pence should be ashamed of his campaign.  Tim did not say that.

9:42PM: They're arguing pretty incoherently about immigration now.  All you really need to know about this is, both parties believe immigration is a winning issue for them, and in some ways they're both right.  As such, neither party actually wants to solve the issue.  And they won't.

9:47PM: Kaine said Donald Trump can't start a twitter war with Miss Universe without shooting himself in the foot.  Solid line from Tim, I'm sure it went over really well in practice.  Tim is being really aggressive, you just can't tell because of his face.

9:49PM: Pence says America is less safe today than it was when Barack Obama took office.  Then he talked about 9/11.  I don't know why we keep letting Republicans bring up 9/11 as if some guy they never met was President then.  Why is ISIS 100% Hillary and Obama's fault but 9/11 was just a thing that happened?

9:51PM: How is Mike Pence going to stop home grown terror?  He's going to keep immigrants out.  I'm not sure Mike understands what home grown means.  Elaine was nice enough to point that out for me.

9:53PM: Somehow we're arguing about immigration again, and also Syrian refugees.  I thought Pence was a big Jesus guy.  I'm not an expert on what Jesus would say about refugees, but I don't think it would be "fuck 'em".

9:55PM: Tim is saying alliances and sharing intelligence are really important for fighting terror, and Trump's not really the guy for that.  Pence is pretending Trump never said NATO is obsolete.  He did though.

9:56PM: Elaine is trying to ask them about Syria but now they're arguing about Hillary's emails.  Elaine has zero patience for these guys and I'm a big fan.

9:58PM: Pence just called Putin a small and bullying leader.  Trump's not going to like that.  Then he said we need to rebuild our military, which is absolute nonsense.

9:59PM: Honestly, Pence is so much worse than Trump.  He's coherently lying and distorting reality.  Unlike Trump, you feel like he actually knows better and it's so frustrating.

10:02PM: Kaine was going on for a while about how Trump wasn't supporting troops and first responders on 9/11 if he wasn't paying taxes.  Elaine keeps reminding them that she asked about Syria.

10:04PM: Pence said "we just need American strength".  That really couldn't be a better summary of Republican foreign policy.  We don't need plans or allies or all that smarty pants bullshit, just strength.

10:05PM: Tim just suggested that Trump is a "fool or maniac".  Pence said that's below even Tim and Hillary.  Has Mike met his running mate?  Because that seems pretty accurate.

10:07PM: Kaine pointed out that every time he asks Mike to defend Trump's positions and statements, Mike passes on the opportunity.  Mike says he's happy to defend Trump.  He didn't, and hasn't yet, but he swears it's coming.  Editorial note from later...it never did.

10:11PM: It's telling that Mike thinks Tim is insulting him when Tim simply repeats things that Trump has said.  "How dare you bring up things I've said" would be an excellent Trump campaign slogan.

10:14PM: Hillary's love of canned zingers has rubbed off on Tim and it's not enjoyable.  Mike is wisely pointing them out and trying to get Tim off his game.

10:17PM: How would Mike Pence deal with North Korea's nuclear weapons program?  He'd criticize Barack Obama and then start talking about the Clinton Foundation.  Take that Kim Jong Whatever!

10:20PM: Kaine just compared Trump's organization to an octopus.  Wrong Timmy!  Octopuses are smart.

10:21PM: We should let Elaine kick both of these guys in the balls at the end of the debate.

10:21PM: Would Tim Kaine take preemptive action if intelligence said North Korea was launching a nuclear weapon?  Shit just got real.  Tim said yes, though he seemed unclear on what kind of preemptive action he'd take.

10:23PM: It's time to talk about social issues, which means it's time for me to remember why I hate Mike Pence so much.

10:24PM: Tim says he doesn't believe the doctrines of any one religion should be mandated for everyone.  It's sad that he actually has to say that out loud, and sadder that Mike will pretend to agree even though he clearly doesn't.

10:26PM: OK my bad.  Mike actually made no effort to pretend he doesn't think his religious beliefs should be imposed on everyone.  Honestly points for Mike, I guess?

10:29PM: Tim Kaine makes an excellent case for pro-life policies.  It was short and rational and honest and made perfect sense.  Solid work by Tim, asking why Pence doesn't trust women to make their own choices.  I have no jokes for this.  Just a really solid minute from Tim on abortion rights.

They're doing a final question about how they'll bring the country together if they win, and I simply don't care so let's wrap this up.  I honestly feel bad for both of these guys.  Tim Kaine's job tonight was to convince people that they should like and trust Hillary Clinton.  Mike Pence's job was to sit there for 90 minutes and pretend Donald Trump isn't a dangerous maniac.  I think both of these guys, even Pence who I honestly fucking hate, deserve gold stars for effort on this one.  Kaine pretty obviously won, but it's not like Pence had anything good to work with.  See you next time.

Undercard

I think it's perfectly fair to ask why we even have Vice Presidential debates.  What kind of person would decide who they're voting for based on what the VP candidates have to say?  And why would we let that person vote?  Honestly, I know they take over if the President dies, but who would bother to assassinate Mitt Romney?  He's basically just a Republican spokes-model, like Reagan was.  A conservative mascot.  It would be like assassinating Ronald McDonald.

So, why watch the Vice Presidential debate?  Well, because something might actually happen, and not just because Joe Biden is a gaffe machine and Paul Ryan lies every time he talks.  These guys only get one shot at this, and after the insane reaction to the first Presidential debate, they both have to feel like there's a lot at stake.  And also, yes, Biden's crazy sometimes, so there's that.

9:00PM: Before the debate on CNN, John King called Paul Ryan a strong advocate for smaller government.  No, that's still a lie.  Then some other guy called Biden "middle class, beer drinking Joe Biden".  He's not some coal miner from West Virginia, he's been in the Senate since he was 30.

9:00PM: OK, I'm going to start by admitting that I don't know who Martha Raddatz is.  I'm not the leading authority on debate moderators or anything, but I feel like that's not a good sign.

9:03PM: On the question of who the fuck the moderator is, my buddy Dave adds "according to Fox News, she caught the bouquet at Obama's wedding or something like that".  Well there you go.

9:05PM: It took approximately 37 seconds for Biden to mention that time when Obama ordered Navy Seals to shoot bin laden in the face.  Good move since Obama never actually got around to that last week.

9:07PM: Ryan says the Obama administration is projecting weakness abroad.  Yeah, all this face shooting and drone attacking looks really weak.  President Romney would go to other countries himself and kill terrorists with his bare hands.

9:09PM: Biden after a three minute Ryan ramble.."with all due respect, that's a bunch of malarkey".  Biden is bringing the zingers tonight.  He could also be a little drunk.  Either way, this should be pretty fun.

9:11PM: We're spending a lot of time arguing about the terrorist attack a couple of weeks ago.  The fact that this is a political argument is really a pox on both of their houses, and I really don't want to talk about it.

9:12PM: Ryan says we should not be apologizing for standing up for our values.  OK, well nobody's doing that, but we'll keep an eye out.

9:15PM: Biden cracks himself up.

9:16PM: Biden keeps calling Ryan "my friend".  Important note, in Delaware, "my friend" means "this douchebag over here".

9:17PM: Ryan on Iran working toward a nuclear weapon.."they're spinning the centrifuges faster".  Wait, is that how building nuclear weapons works?  I honestly don't know.

9:20PM: Biden just called what Ryan was saying "a bunch of stuff".  I think we need an HBO VP debate so Biden can speak freely.

9:21PM: Biden on Iran.."if we ever do have to take action the world will be behind us, and that matters".  Well, not to Republicans.

9:22PM: Biden keeps trying to interrupt every time Ryan talks.  It's really funny.

9:24PM: Stupid question "can you get unemployment under 6% and how long will it take?"  The correct answer is, no, and I have no idea how long it will take before everyone realizes that.

9:27PM: Ryan.."I think the Vice President knows that sometimes the words don't come out of your mouth the right way".  Zing!

9:29PM: We're in the middle of a who can tell the saddest car accident story contest.  Biden won, I think.

9:33PM: I'm starting to think Paul Ryan might not actually be Joe Biden's friend.

9:35PM: Ryan says there's an "Obamacare board" that will be in charge of taking money out of medicare.  There's nothing Republicans hate more than Obamacare boards.  Biden agrees with me saying "it seems that every four years I hear the same thing about these panels". Ha! Although, no matter what you think of Paul Ryan, comparing anyone to Sarah Palin is a low blow.

9:38PM: We're drowning in a horrible discussion about medicare and vouchers now.  I promise to vote for whoever stops talking about this first.

9:41PM: So far I'm still voting for nobody.

9:41PM: It couldn't be any more clear that these two guys can't fucking stand each other.  Biden's five minutes away from ripping his shirt off and challenging Ryan to a wrestling match.

9:45PM: Raddatz finally ended the medicare discussion, so I'm voting for her.  I'm a man of my word.

9:46PM: Are we calling the 2008 economic disaster "The Great Recession" now?  Is that a thing?

9:47PM: Ryan says we shouldn't tax wealthy people more because it won't pay for anything anyway.  I don't really know what to say about that except, so?  Can we just do it for fun?

9:51PM: I'm sorry, I got lost in Paul Ryan's eyes for a few minutes.

9:55PM: Just to be clear, by Paul Ryan's logic, we would never cut the defense budget or make any branch of the military smaller in any way, because it would always be a sign of weakness.

10:00PM: Simple distinction on Afghanistan policy.  Biden (and Obama): We're leaving in 2014, so get your shit together.  Ryan (and Romney): We're leaving when you decide to get your shit together, and we're hoping you do it by 2014.

10:01PM: When Paul Ryan turns on his television these days, he sees the absolute unraveling of the Obama foreign policy.  He needs to check out some other channels.  Has he seen honey boo boo?

10:05PM: Biden is literally yelling at the moderator now about when they pulled the surge troops out of Afghanistan.  If Obama did that he'd get hammered by everyone, but I feel like Biden gets away with it.

10:07PM: Paul Ryan can name any city in Afghanistan.  Just try him.

10:07PM: Biden cracks me up too.

10:10PM: Paul Ryan wants to arm the freedom fighters in Syria.  Right, because arming the rebels in the middle east always works out well and never backfires in any way.

10:14PM: Ryan says you only put troops on the ground for national security interests.  This from the party that invaded Iraq for shits and giggles.

10:15PM: We're talking about religion now.  BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

10:16PM: I should be able to hit Paul Ryan with a shoe whenever he uses the word faith in the same sentence as the words science and reason, unless the sentence is something like "Faith is completely incompatible with science and reason".

10:18PM: Biden says he refuses to impose his religious beliefs on others.  Paul Ryan is baffled by that whole concept.

10:20PM: Republicans believe that reproductive rights (and marriage rights, for that matter) should be up for a majority vote.  I wonder if they'd feel the same way about freedom of religion if they suddenly found themselves in the minority.

Closing statements, mostly nonsense, but I really liked how Biden framed his demeanor.  After seeming kind of angry all night, Biden said, if he seemed a little frustrated, it's because of how Romney and Ryan see the American people.  I don't know if that's bullshit or not, but it was a hell of a way for him to wrap it up.

I'm not sure how to sum this debate up, except to say this.  Every time Paul Ryan was talking, Biden's face was saying "I hate you, I hate you, I'm gonna punch you, I hate you".  Every time Biden was talking, Ryan's face was saying "Oh crap, oh crap, he's telling people all the things I don't really want them to know about".  I would say that Biden was passionate, tough and didn't let Ryan get away with anything. I'd also say that Ryan came off as more affable and maybe more likable, although I think Biden helped himself out with likability at the end, and he's always kind of likable anyway.

I would have bet just about anything on the media saying Biden won tonight no matter what happened, so I assume that'll be the prevailing wisdom.  I kind of don't care because it's a Vice Presidential debate and it doesn't really matter.  See you Tuesday for the next real debate.

Alchemy 2012!

So Mitt Romney finally has a running mate.  I can't wait to find out who Barack Obama decides to pick (what?  Is it still Biden?  Well, OK then).  Get ready for three months of soundbites from conservatives that basically boil down to "well, I mean, sure Mitt Romney sucks, but, but Paul Ryan!".  Conservatives are excited about Paul Ryan, like kids on Conservative Christmas.  Conservative Christmas, by the way, is a lot like regular Christmas, only instead of giving toys to all the good little girls and boys, Conservative Santa takes all the toys from the poor kids and gives them to the rich kids who really deserve them.  Those poor kids need to get a job, or an inheritance.

Personally, I like this pick for the Republicans.  Honestly, I do.  First, let's start by comparing him to the lowest possible running mate standard, which is obviously Sarah Palin.

Paul Ryan understands enough about the federal budget to, ya know, propose a budget.  Advantage Ryan.
Paul Ryan comes from a state where people actually live.  Advantage Ryan.
Paul Ryan possesses the ability to speak in full sentences.  Advantage Ryan.
Paul Ryan is, at least, vaguely familiar with reality.  Advantage Ryan.

Next, what's the worst thing about Mitt Romney as a candidate?  I know it's hard to choose, but I think you'd have to say it's the fact that nobody likes him.  He's just a really unlikable guy.  When he's talking, instead of listening to what he's actually saying, most people are just daydreaming about running up onto the stage and punching him in the face.

Paul Ryan, on the other hand, is genuinely likable.  He has an ability very few 2012 Republicans have, the ability to sound reasonable.  When you see Paul Ryan on TV, even as he's saying things you completely disagree with, he doesn't make you want to throw things at the TV, or, I don't know, spend an hour writing an entire blog post just making fun of the things he's saying http://somethingclever13.blogspot.com/2012/07/your-arguments-are-bad-and-you-should.html

Now, Democrats are pretty excited about Paul Ryan too, and I understand why.  Yes, Paul Ryan believes that the rights of women are less important than the rights of religious institutions to impose their values on everyone else.  Yes, Paul Ryan believes you can budget cut your way out of a recession. And yes, Paul Ryan is an economic alchemist.

All 2012 Republicans are economic alchemists.  They believe they can magically turn tax cuts for the wealthy into a thriving economy for everyone.  It's just like how you build a house starting with the roof.  The roof is the shelter creator.  Without the roof, your house is just a small park with high walls.  So you build the roof first and just wait for the roof parts to fall down and magically form the rest of the house.  That's how you build a house, right?  I don't know, I've never done it.

You can't blame Mitt Romney for choosing a Republican to run on the Republican ticket with him.  And, in 2012, you can't really ask Mitt Romney to find a Republican to run with him who doesn't believe things that are stupid.

I also think the Romney campaign deserves some credit for picking someone who really does seem interested in talking about policy.  We'll see if I'm right when he starts making campaign speeches, but I've always seen Paul Ryan as a guy who is much more interested in having an honest policy debate than he is in suggesting that Barack Obama is a secret Kenyan muslim terrorist.

I don't know if Ryan helps the Romney campaign win any states, but I don't think that's the point.  Selecting Ryan represents a decision to make this an election about base and turnout, and I think that's the right move for Romney.  The Republicans don't have policies that appeal to truly independent or moderate people, they just don't.  They need to win this election with base energy and turn-out.  Paul Ryan helps with that as much as anyone, and he does it with much less negative baggage than you'd get with someone like Santorum or Palin or Gingrich.

For Ryan, this is obviously great.  I don't think Romney wins, he's just too unlikable (I know it wasn't that long ago that I said I thought Romney had a better than 50% chance, but have you seen how they're running his campaign?  Right now, I think Romney would do better if he spent the next three months traveling around the world and avoiding the media).

So Ryan gets national campaign experience and he gets to blame the loss on Romney.  After the election, he'll be in the same position Sarah Palin was in four years ago.  Palin had the opportunity to go away for a while, learn stuff, and come back as the clear favorite for the 2012 nomination.  Now, Palin possesses neither the ability to go away nor the ability to learn stuff, so that didn't really work out for her, but she had the opportunity, and Paul Ryan will have the same opportunity.  And he doesn't have to go all the way away, he just has to stop himself from chasing every TV camera he sees for a couple of years.

In 2016, Paul Ryan can be the clear favorite for the Republican nomination for an election that's wide open on both sides.  Additionally, since this country is really too stupid to stick to a budget, our debt is only going to be worse four years from now, which only makes Ryan (who, whether you like his ideas or not, is one of the few people to at least suggest something) more attractive in four years.

I'd be really interested in a debate between Barack Obama and Paul Ryan.  I think it would be fascinating.  Unfortunately, unless Romney goes back to his planet soon, we're still stuck with three horrible Romney/Obama debates and one semi-fascinating Biden/Ryan debate (people forget how smart Biden is because he's so goofy, but he's a bright guy).  So, I'm not sure this choice makes the election any more watchable, or tolerable, but it does bait an interesting trap for the Democrats.

I've said before that Republicans are stupid for making constant personal attacks against Barack Obama because he's so likable.  I think the same is true for Ryan.  Democrats seem to be getting ready to tell you that Paul Ryan eats babies for fun (and, since he's from Wisconsin, he fries them and covers them in a thick, cheese-based sauce, which is even more cruel and delicious), but when you meet him, he'll seem like a good guy, and the Democrats will just look mean and stupid.

I probably would have preferred Tim Pawlenty, just because I kind of like Pawlenty, he seems like a nice guy, but Paul Ryan was probably the right choice.  Don't worry, I'm sure the Romney campaign has already fired whoever it was that actually did something right.