A Christmas Quorum

Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the House...and Senate
not a creature was stirring
not even a mouse...or Senator Bob Bennett

The stockings were hung
in the cloakrooms with care
in the hopes that campaign contributions
would soon be in there

The lame duck Congress worked hard
in their own special way
sometimes they voted
on more than one thing a day!

It was jarring, alarming
amazing, stupendous
so what if some of the things
they passed were horrendous

First came a deal
on the Bush tax cuts
did they make the hard choices?
No, silly, that would be nuts

Instead they just gave everyone
whatever they wanted
tax cuts for all
and spending undaunted

And earmarks as far
as the eye could see
project after special project
pinned to the Christmas tree

The DREAM act died
on the Senate floor
Republicans say it was amnesty
sneaking in the back door

I don't care much either way
so I'm not going to panic
but Republicans; good luck winning elections
with zero votes from Hispanics

Democrats fought against
don't ask don't tell
while Republicans fretted
about unit cohesion going to hell

But you can't ask people to fight
for our country indivisible
while simultaneously asking them
to remain invisible

So finally they repealed
that bigoted piece of crap
and then...the gay army took over the world!
oh no! it was a trap!

The 9/11 first responders bill
can't get votes from 60 men
suddenly we're all worried
about deficits again

For a fraction of the cost
of tax cuts for the wealthy
we could help keep real heroes
alive and healthy

Where is the outrage and shouting
that usually abounds?
even John Q. nine-elevington himself,
Mayor Daffy Giuliani, is nowhere to be found

If that bill doesn't pass
by the end of this week
I wish everyone who blocks it
a horrible, slow, coughing death
(they don't all have to rhyme people. My blog, my rules)

Televangelist Beck railed
against the food safety act
clearly it was some kind of
big government attack

On our personal liberties
but Glenn brought the heat
defending our holy right
to eat tainted meat

The START treaty sits
unratified and useless
apparently we're still afraid of the Russians
and I have to admit to feeling a little clueless

Didn't conservative hero Reagan
single-handedly win the cold war?
isn't that why we forgive him
for being a big corporate whore?

As I write this it looks like
START will pass soon
don't worry about Russia
they couldn't even beat us to the moon

I'm not used to the federal government
doing so much so quickly
this Congress spent its first 22 months
abdicating responsibility so slickly

Frankly, I'm impressed
with the savvy of the President
some tough words for his own party
and now he's everyone's favorite D.C. resident

But success in politics is fickle
and this could all go awry
as Republicans remind their base
that he's still a black guy

For now, with everyone bitching
on the left and on the right
I hope the President understands
he must be doing something right

Moon: 2026

When I found out Russia and Qatar would be hosting the 2018 and 2022 World Cups respectively, I immediately had an idea, possibly my greatest idea ever. Maybe even the greatest idea anyone has ever had. So, as promised, here's my bid to host the 2026 World Cup...on the Moon.

First, we'll need a logo. Duh! The Moon is already round. Obviously, we just photo shop a picture of the Moon to make it look like a soccer ball, right? WRONG! We paint the actual Moon like a soccer ball. No other prospective host country could pull this off, because countries aren't round and in space. And think about the marketing implications. You wouldn't have to advertise the World Cup on TV at all, because it would be advertised in the sky every night. Right off the bat, this is the best idea you've ever heard. You know it is.

What about stadiums? I admit, the Moon, for some reason, currently has zero soccer stadiums. According to the internets, Qatar needs to build 9 soccer stadiums by 2022, having only three right now. So, the Moon only has three less soccer stadiums than Qatar, and four more years to build.

More importantly, the Moon has 1/6 of Earth's gravity, and I've decided that makes it 36 times easier to build a stadium on the Moon. So, in the time it takes Qatar to build 9 soccer stadiums, we should be able to build 324 stadiums on the Moon. We'll have stadiums to spare, which is good, because some of them might be destroyed by large meteoroids.

What about weather? Another big advantage for the Moon, because the Moon doesn't have any weather due to having essentially no atmosphere. Rain isn't even possible on the Moon, perfect for a sporting event. Who wants to see a soccer game in the rain? Not me.

Now, that no atmosphere thing may sound like a problem, what with there being no oxygen and crazy temperature extremes. Not to worry though. First of all, it snows 13 months a year in Russia (lousy Smarch weather!) and it's 152 degrees in Qatar in the summer, so don't talk to me about temperatures.

As for the oxygen problem, scuba divers breath underwater, don't they? Soccer players will have four years to practice playing in space suits. I suppose we could just build domes instead of open air stadiums, but what sounds like more fun to you? Dome soccer or space suit soccer? Yeah, I thought so, space suits it is.

What about fans? Nobody lives on the Moon. First of all, nobody lives in Qatar either. Secondly, nobody lives on the Moon...now. We're talking about 2026. For all we know, the Moon could be hopping with space cities by then. And since the Moon cities will all be named for their corporate sponsors (Budweiser Moon City, Viagra Moon Village, Citi City on the Moon, etc), you get more marketing tie-ins.

Still, like Qatar, the Moon World Cup will need plenty of visitors from other places to succeed. How will we get all those people to and from the Moon? I'm becoming concerned that we won't have our rocket cars and teleportation devices by 2026. Where's the future I was promised? George Jetson lied to me! Anyway, we've got alternatives. Maybe a giant ladder, maybe we hitch a ride with aliens, maybe we find a way to pull the Moon closer, we've got 16 years to figure this out and it seems clear that successful World Cup bids can have some holes. We'll get there. If you build it on the Moon, they will come.

At this point, you might be asking, "Sean, are you just bitter because the U.S. didn't get the 2022 World Cup?" Of course not, that's ridiculous. Why would the World Cup come to America, we don't even like soccer. The World Cup should only ever be held in England, Italy, Spain and, of course, on the Moon.

Other awesome pros for the Moon:
1) The moon is made of cheese. That's right, free cheese for everyone!
2) Krusty the Clown taught us that you can get high by freebasing ground up moon rocks, so that'll be fun.
3) MoonPies are awesome.
4) What happens on the Moon stays on the Moon.
5) There's oil everywhere on the Moon, so we can use the moon oil money to bribe...oh no wait, that's not how the Moon gets the World Cup, nevermind.

Now, to be fair, there are some concerns we'll have to deal with. The lack of gravity could mean we lose some errant balls, and maybe even a flopping South American or two, to the black void of space. We can spare the balls, and as far as I'm concerned, being lost in space is an appropriate punishment for flopping.

I'm also a little concerned about the TV broadcasts. I don't want to have to get up at 7AM to watch a soccer game. What time is it on the Moon? We'll need to get some science nerds on this, I'm sure Stephen Hawking can figure it out.

Other then those two little problems, I think we're all set. Let me ask you something. If you were going on vacation, and you had to choose between Russia, Qatar and the Moon, which would you choose? Of course you would choose the Moon. IT'S THE F*CKING MOON! And that's where I'll leave it, with a choice of slogans.

Slogan #1: "It's no stupider than Russia or Qatar."
Slogan #2: "Because it's the f*cking moon, that's why!"

Say Hello To The Bad Guy

I don't watch a whole lot of regular season basketball, and I'm not usually a fan of over-hyped sporting events in general. Last night's Lebronageddon in Cleveland fell into both of those categories, but I knew I had to watch some of it anyway. It was just too damn interesting. How, exactly, would the fans react? Booing? Derisive chants? Would some idiot or group of idiots go too far? I needed to see it.

If it were me, if I were controlling the crowd in Cleveland last night, here's what would have happened. Loud booing all through warm-ups whenever Lebron touched a ball. Then, right when he's introduced, everybody stands and turns their backs to the court. They're wearing t-shirts that say something short but effective on the back, like "Thanks for nothing", or "Cleveland: Still title free since '64", or "How are your mom and Delonte West doing?". They remain standing, backs to the court, for the entire game.

I watched the introductions and the first couple of minutes. The Cleveland fans didn't do it my way, but they did a decent job. Lots of loud booing, at least one clear "ass-hole" chant, good all-around energy. But then, it was just another basketball game, and I got distracted.

First, it was NBC's Thursday night comedies. 30 Rock is killing it lately. 30 Rock is young Mike Tyson to every other TV comedy's Michael Spinks. Also drawing my attention, my number one fantasy football wide out was kicking off in Philadelphia around 8:30. All I have to say about that is, EFF YOU MATT SCHAUB! YOU SUCK!!!

Anyway, I got distracted from the game in Cleveland for a good long time. I went back once around 9, but they were in a commercial. Next time I went back, it was the 3rd quarter and Miami was up by like 49, or 40 million, I can't remember. I immediately thought it was the saddest non-playoff sports crushing I could remember. Especially since the Cavs didn't seem to care that much, it was just the fans that were getting crushed, and they couldn't do anything about it.

Imagine you're dating a girl for like 7 years. She's awesome, maybe a little flaky, and you always wondered if you were more into her than she was into you, but still, she's just awesome. Then one day, she goes on ESPN and announces she's breaking up with you for some douchebag with lots of hair gel and shirts that are way too small for him. Then, after six months of not really talking about you that much and pretending your seven year relationship was nothing special, her and her new douchebag boyfriend come to your house, eat all your food, have sex right in front of you and poop on your carpet.

That's was the vibe I got from the Cleveland crowd by the time I made it back in the middle of the third quarter. Lebron was pooping on their carpet and having a great time doing it and they just had to sit there and take it. I don't know what to say about Cleveland at this point. Let's hope Colt McCoy's quarterbacking skills turn out to be as awesome as his name. Seriously, how much would you pay to trade names with Colt McCoy? Best sports name ever.

On the bright side, I figured out who Lebron is now. He's a bad guy, a wrestling heel. He's Hollywood Hogan, he's NWO 4Life. He ran into the ring, hit the city of Cleveland with a steel chair and mugged for the crowd with Bosh and Wade while we all threw our drinks at them. And you know what? I'm sort of on board with the Lebron heel turn.

Who doesn't like rooting against a bad guy? Plus, Lebron had sort of run his course as a good guy. And basketball needs a new bad guy. Lots of people hate Kobe, but he's starting to make the transition from bad guy to venerable old veteran we all begrudgingly respect. Lebron's a perfect bad guy too. He's big, imposing, not super likable to begin with, seems to be warming to the role, all the good guys will need to work together to take him down.

I'm a big fan of this idea. Of course, I'm not from Cleveland.