The Darkness

One of my favorite exchanges from the best TV show ever:

President Bartlet: "The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral. Returning violence with violence only multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars."
Leo: "Dr. King"
President Bartlet: "I'm part of that darkness now Leo. When did that happen?"
Leo: "Dr. King wasn't wrong, he just didn't have your job."

So, I don't know if you heard, but apparently, Navy Seals shot Osama Bin Laden in the face last Sunday (awesome work, by the way. If I ever open a restaurant, military people eat free, all the time, forever and ever). In a related story, Donald Trump had a very negative reaction when the world stopped paying attention to him for five minutes, causing him to shoot Meatloaf in the face (I kid Mr. Loaf. I only half kid Mr. Trump, who is nothing more than an inherited billionaire attention whore. He's like an old man version of Paris Hilton).

I admit to having a wide range of reactions to the Bin Laden news. I think I started at "yeah America!". Not just because our military finally got him, but because after eight years of Presidential, let's say, unremarkability, we all got together and said "you know what we should try, electing someone smart". Two and half years later, BANG! Right in the face! Good electing by us.

I've heard multiple Bush administration people and lots of Republicans trying to give the former President some credit for this. I saw Michelle Malkin on Fox literally making the case that the Obama administration finally getting Bin Laden vindicates and justifies everything the Bush administration ever did in the areas of foreign policy and national security.

Come on guys. This happened two and half years into the Obama presidency, this is 100% his thing. I don't understand what's wrong with people sometimes. These are the same people who have been telling me it's Obama's economy now since the summer of 2009. I, by the way, would like to suggest that this is still Ronald Reagan's economy. He's the patron saint of deregulation and never ending tax cuts.

Anyway, then I went to "singing in the streets doesn't really seem like the appropriate reaction to this". I started thinking we're supposed to be the good guys in this fight, and the good guys don't usually do the killing, and they certainly don't usually do the singing about it. Batman doesn't kill the bad guys, he just leaves them tied up for Commissioner Gordon to deal with. This lasted about ten minutes, then I realized this isn't a superhero movie and sometimes you have to kill the bad guys because it's the only way to deal with them.

And yes, while I almost always reject President Bush's black and white, with us or against us view of the world, there are a few people who are just bad guys, and there isn't another side of the story (I feel like all of my Rashard Mendenhall fueled fantasy football victories are tainted). One of those bad guys is now at the bottom of the ocean with a big hole in his face.

Then I thought "the final season of Rescue Me is going to be AWESOME!" Right? It's not necessarily that I think this recent news will make Rescue Me better, although it certainly could, but being reminded of 9/11 immediately reminded me of Rescue Me and how much I can't wait for the last season to start. I may try to freeze myself for the next two months.

After that thought came, "I hope everybody enjoys President Obama's second term, I know I will". Sure it was crass to think about politics at that point, but whatever, I like politics. Just look at the reality of President Obama's clear competence vs. the carnival of morons that currently make up the Republican field. My pick for the GOP nomination, Haley Barbour, who I contend is not a moron and could be a serious candidate, dropped out of the race before he even got in. Thanks for playing. I don't know who to root for in the Republican primaries now. Mitch Daniels? He's like 8 inches tall.

And then, as I went to sleep Sunday night, I think I was back at "yeah America!". But the "yeah America!" of today isn't the same as it was back in, say, 1998. The darkness makes things more complicated, murkier. We know a lot more now, including plenty of things we never wanted to know. I now know that you can't just capture the world's most wanted terrorist, put him on trial and throw him in prison forever. All you can do is find him, shoot him in the face and throw him in the ocean. I really didn't want to know that.

Say Hello To The Bad Guy

I don't watch a whole lot of regular season basketball, and I'm not usually a fan of over-hyped sporting events in general. Last night's Lebronageddon in Cleveland fell into both of those categories, but I knew I had to watch some of it anyway. It was just too damn interesting. How, exactly, would the fans react? Booing? Derisive chants? Would some idiot or group of idiots go too far? I needed to see it.

If it were me, if I were controlling the crowd in Cleveland last night, here's what would have happened. Loud booing all through warm-ups whenever Lebron touched a ball. Then, right when he's introduced, everybody stands and turns their backs to the court. They're wearing t-shirts that say something short but effective on the back, like "Thanks for nothing", or "Cleveland: Still title free since '64", or "How are your mom and Delonte West doing?". They remain standing, backs to the court, for the entire game.

I watched the introductions and the first couple of minutes. The Cleveland fans didn't do it my way, but they did a decent job. Lots of loud booing, at least one clear "ass-hole" chant, good all-around energy. But then, it was just another basketball game, and I got distracted.

First, it was NBC's Thursday night comedies. 30 Rock is killing it lately. 30 Rock is young Mike Tyson to every other TV comedy's Michael Spinks. Also drawing my attention, my number one fantasy football wide out was kicking off in Philadelphia around 8:30. All I have to say about that is, EFF YOU MATT SCHAUB! YOU SUCK!!!

Anyway, I got distracted from the game in Cleveland for a good long time. I went back once around 9, but they were in a commercial. Next time I went back, it was the 3rd quarter and Miami was up by like 49, or 40 million, I can't remember. I immediately thought it was the saddest non-playoff sports crushing I could remember. Especially since the Cavs didn't seem to care that much, it was just the fans that were getting crushed, and they couldn't do anything about it.

Imagine you're dating a girl for like 7 years. She's awesome, maybe a little flaky, and you always wondered if you were more into her than she was into you, but still, she's just awesome. Then one day, she goes on ESPN and announces she's breaking up with you for some douchebag with lots of hair gel and shirts that are way too small for him. Then, after six months of not really talking about you that much and pretending your seven year relationship was nothing special, her and her new douchebag boyfriend come to your house, eat all your food, have sex right in front of you and poop on your carpet.

That's was the vibe I got from the Cleveland crowd by the time I made it back in the middle of the third quarter. Lebron was pooping on their carpet and having a great time doing it and they just had to sit there and take it. I don't know what to say about Cleveland at this point. Let's hope Colt McCoy's quarterbacking skills turn out to be as awesome as his name. Seriously, how much would you pay to trade names with Colt McCoy? Best sports name ever.

On the bright side, I figured out who Lebron is now. He's a bad guy, a wrestling heel. He's Hollywood Hogan, he's NWO 4Life. He ran into the ring, hit the city of Cleveland with a steel chair and mugged for the crowd with Bosh and Wade while we all threw our drinks at them. And you know what? I'm sort of on board with the Lebron heel turn.

Who doesn't like rooting against a bad guy? Plus, Lebron had sort of run his course as a good guy. And basketball needs a new bad guy. Lots of people hate Kobe, but he's starting to make the transition from bad guy to venerable old veteran we all begrudgingly respect. Lebron's a perfect bad guy too. He's big, imposing, not super likable to begin with, seems to be warming to the role, all the good guys will need to work together to take him down.

I'm a big fan of this idea. Of course, I'm not from Cleveland.

Defending The BCS

I was driving today and found myself at a red light behind a perfectly nice white Toyota (buy American damn it!). This was memorable because the owner of the Toyota had put the word "champaine" on the back of the car in big black letters. I know that's not actually how you spell champagne, but the owner of this Toyota didn't. My point is, sometimes people do things, and it's best not to waste time trying to figure out why. Why would someone want to have champagne written across the back of their car, and why wouldn't they find out how to spell it first? I don't know, and I'm not going to waste what little sanity I have left on trying to figure it out.

For a long time, this is how I felt about the BCS. It was stupid, it made no sense, and I just didn't have the energy to care. But last weekend, as I watched Texas almost blow it's spot in the national title game, and as I listened to the ABC announcer tell me, after every play, how many minutes we were away from BCS chaos, I had an epiphany. I've seen the light. The BCS is a great idea, maybe the best idea in the history of sports. The rest of us were just too damn stupid to see it. But not me, not anymore.

See, sports have had playoffs for years, it's been done to death. Just thinking about some sport having all the best teams play each other on the field in some sort of tournament to decide a champion makes me yawn, that's sooo 20th century. The BCS is so revolutionary, so modern. They've got voters and computers and statistical formulas, and probably some robots and talking monkeys too. TCU, Cincinnati and Boise St. probably don't like it this year, but if they wanted to contend for championships, they should have thought of that before they decided to not be Alabama or Texas. This is the wave of the future, and I'm on board. I don't want all my other favorite sports to get left behind. So, here are some ideas for how the other sports can be more like college football. We need to get to work on this right away, before it's too late.

First, a few rules. Number one, the BCS still has a championship game, I guess they figured they'd throw the dinosaurs a bone, so we're not picking the best team, just the best two teams. Number two, we need to stay as far away from on the field competition as possible, I'm getting sleepy just thinking about it. Finally, you'd still have the same regular season, just for kicks, like college football does. We're just replacing the playoffs.

Baseball. My first thought was some kind of home run derby. But those happen on the field, that feels too much like honest athletic competition, not what we're going for. My second thought was letting the two teams with the nicest ballparks each year play for the title. The problem there is that ballparks don't change much and you'd get the same two teams a lot. College football has taught us that you really need a good rotation of like four or five teams. But I was on the right track with this.

I propose that baseball decide its two championship contenders each year based on the quality of ballpark food. Teams can change this pretty drastically from year to year if they want, so it won't always be the same teams. Plus, this would help with baseball's parity problem. I haven't been to the new Yankee stadium yet, because I don't own my own company, but the food at the old Yankee Stadium sucked. In contrast, I saw a game in Cincinnati once, they had pulled pork sandwiches and chili. The Reds kick the Yankees' ass in food. I also heard the San Francisco Giants have garlic fries at their ballpark. Garlic fries! Right there at the ballpark! You see where I'm going with this, any team can win the food competition. I don't care who the judges are, as long as I'm one of them.

Basketball. First of all, to be honest, if you suggested quality of stadium eats as a system for all four major sports, I wouldn't argue with you, but I'm trying to be creative here. A slam dunk competition has the same problem as a home run derby. I thought maybe just taking the two teams with the two tallest players. That would be funny, because teams would have to spend the off-season searching the world for the tallest freaks they could find, but you'd still need basketball talent for that championship game. Funny, but not really fun.

I've got it! Hip-Hop records. I've noticed a lot of basketball players make rap albums. I've heard they're mostly terrible, but maybe it's because they're not trying hard enough. So here's the pitch. At the beginning of every season, every player makes an album. Over the course of the season, the team works together to pick the best album they have and make it better. At the end of the season, the two teams that produce the two best albums play for the title. This would be great both for basketball players who always wanted to be rappers and rappers who always wanted to be basketball players. This would also allow the Knicks to spend an insane amount of money on a whole team of terrible rappers they can pair with their current team of terrible basketball players. I think this is a win for everyone.

Football. This was the easiest one. Three words: Cheerleader Beauty Pageant. This should appeal to most football fans and keep the same high ratings the playoffs currently get. Everyone would love it and it would lead to even more attractive cheerleaders than we have now. Sometimes life's just that simple.

Hockey. This is the toughest one for me, I've already written here about how much I like the hockey playoffs. But when it's time to move on, it's time to move on, and I'm a team player. I thought about taking the two teams with the most Canadians on their rosters. Sadly, I'm afraid this might seem vaguely racist to non-Canadians. A drinking competition would be fun, but almost every hockey player I've ever met has seemed like a genuinely nice guy, so let's not destroy their livers for sport. Zamboni races? We should definitely have them, but I don't think they're right for this.

I thought about this for a while, and it finally came to me. A beard growing competition. This is perfect because it keeps one of the traditions of the old playoffs without all the boringness of actual playoffs. Beards would be judged on length, thickness and general creepy appearance. Bonus points for cool beard design, like if you were able to cut your beard into the shape of a hockey stick. Points off for dyed beards, that would be the beard competition equivalent of performance enhancing drugs. The two teams with the highest average beard scores play for the cup.

So, there it is. If I didn't cover your favorite sport, I'm sure you can think of some ideas on your own. Think this was stupid? I dare anyone to explain how any of my ideas are any worse than the BCS. I double dog dare you.

Thankfulness Neutral

Around this time of year, most sports commentators and web sites give us lists of things for which they are thankful. I don't want to be a jerk, but going on and on about what I'm thankful for doesn't really sound like me. I've decided on a compromise. I'll give you a list of five things I'm thankful for and five things I'm not. Call it thankfulness neutral. It's like being carbon neutral, only with less hippies and more regularly shaped light bulbs.

I'm thankful for the Yankees' world series win. I always try to explain to fans of other teams what it's like to be a Yankee fan. It's a joyless sports existence. Fans of other teams celebrate when their team wins. They cheer and jump up and down, and sometimes they turn over cars(I'm looking at you, Utah fans. You can't fool me, I know what you've got planned for if the Jazz ever win a title). When the Yankees win, I just breath a sigh of relief and start worrying about next season. And when they don't win, it's just awful, because you always feel like they're supposed to. So, the Yankees spared me this year, and I appreciate it (although I'm still already worrying about next year, I hear they plan on putting Joba back in the rotation, I'm thinking of going down to the stadium and protesting, who's with me?)

I'm thankful for living in Connecticut during football season. The list of good things about living in Connecticut is pretty short. I don't think it's Connecticut's fault. Once you live in New York, everywhere else sucks. But I've got two reasons why I'm happy to be here during football season. First, it gave me a great reason to become a Patriots fan. I've never really had a football team. I liked the Houston Oilers when I was a kid, then they moved. I liked Tampa for a while, but they got boring when they won a superbowl. I never got behind the two New York teams. The Jets are just an abomination, everything about them screams "we'll never be that good". I don't know what my problem is with the Giants. For me, the Giants are like that guy you work with, he never did anything to you and he's probably a decent guy, but you just hate his face for some reason.

The other good part of living here during football season is the games I get to see. In New York, I got the Giants, the Jets and usually one other game. Here, I get the New York and Hartford networks, so I get the Giants, Jets, Pats and usually one other game on top of that. I know it sounds like only one extra game, but having two games on for all six hours most weeks is clutch, especially since NFL games spend as much time in commercials as they do showing you actual football.

I'm thankful for fantasy football. This was a close one for me, I could go either way. I'm a hyper-competitive person, I need to win at everything. So, every Sunday my fantasy team loses is completely ruined. If my team was 3-8, this would have probably gone in the not thankful category. Luckily, we're 9-2, so I'm pretty pleased (although this week isn't looking good, my opponent's up like 40 points after the Thanksgiving games, I think it should be illegal in fantasy football to use anyone who's playing the Raiders, it's just not fair).

Winning isn't a good enough reason to be thankful though. I appreciate fantasy football because of how interesting it makes unbearable games. This week, the Rams are playing the Seahawks. What a total garbage dump of a game. They should make guys in prison who killed people watch this game as punishment. But I'll be glued to any updates and highlights from this game, because I'm counting on the Seahawks' back-up running back to have a big game. Earlier this year, the Jets played the Raiders. That game was over immediately after the teams were introduced, but I watched every second, because I had the Jets defense. It takes something special to make football, which is already pretty great, roughly 39 times more interesting, we should all be thankful for fantasy football. The first guy who came up with the idea should have a monument somewhere in his honor (until my team loses this week, or in the playoffs, then screw him).

I'm thankful for the Monday Night Football announcing booth. When I was at my aunt and uncle's house for Thanksgiving, one of my cousins said he didn't like the MNF booth. I guess I shouldn't have dropped him on his head so much when we were kids. Seriously, I can't think of one sporting event I wouldn't want those three guys to announce, even if they didn't know anything about it. It's the best booth in sports, and it's not even close, and I should have the power to suspend anyone who disagrees from watching sports for a month.

Finally, I'm thankful for ESPN. I think we all need to take a minute to give thanks for this. ESPN gets taken for granted because we've had it for so long now, but I think we have to remember how awesome this is. Before ESPN, the only way to see sports highlights, was to watch the crappy local news for a half hour and hope they'd show you some good stuff at the end. Now, not only do we get all the good highlights, but we get so much sports that we even get the unwatchable things (I'm looking at you WNBA). I remember not having cable until I was maybe 9 or 10, no ESPN, it was awful. Life would be unbearable without ESPN, and I'm pretty sure I'm right about that.

I am not thankful for hockey on Versus. It's not so bad now, I miss a couple of games a week that I'd get if they were on ESPN, but I still get three local teams and I can deal with it. However, the hockey playoffs are the single best thing in sports, and instead of getting games on ESPN and ESPN2 like I used to, I get nothing. I've said before, I don't understand this strategy by the NHL. It's like they're playing hide and seek with me, but they're great hiders and I'm a terrible seeker. I'm getting annoyed just thinking about it, let's move on.

I'm not thankful for the BCS. I'm not sure anyone whose business card doesn't read "college president" is. This may be the single worst thing about sports in America. It looks like we may get 4 or 5 undefeated teams this year, so I'm looking forward to total chaos and to seeing BCS apologists tell me why it's actually a great thing that TCU never lost a game but still doesn't get to play for a title.

Did you read my paragraph about living in Connecticut during football season? Well, that's how I feel about living near New York during basketball season, only the exact opposite. Not thankful doesn't even begin to cover it. I'm not close enough to Boston to get Celtics games on NESN, so it's just the regular New York basketball I've always had. In my NBA preview post, I wrote that you could combine the Nets and Knicks rosters and you still wouldn't get a playoff team. After a month of the season, I'm not sure you even get an NBA team. The Nets are steaming toward the worst start in NBA history, but honestly, the Knicks are even worse. The Knicks aren't even trying, and the fact that Isaiah Thomas traded every first round pick the Knicks had until 2026 means they don't even get anything for sucking. A month ago I called the Knicks a craptastrophy, I'm thinking about downgrading them to catastrophuck.

I am not thankful for commercials. If the BCS isn't the worst thing about sports in America, commercials definitely are, especially this time of year. I'm like four commercials away from burning down a Best Buy (I'll do it when no one's inside, I'm not a monster, OK fine, I won't burn anything down, stupid society, always looking down on arson).

Finally, I'm not thankful for Allen Iverson's current pseudo-retirement. Allen Iverson is the best point guard in NBA history. You heard me. Not arguably the best, or maybe the best, just the best. Make yourself a list of the best point guards in NBA history, then cross out the name of anyone would couldn't possibly guard Iverson. If you haven't crossed out every name except Gary Payton (and maybe Isaiah Thomas, although probably not) then go back and do it again, you are awarded no points, and may god have mercy on your soul. People will say he was never really a pure point guard, because he wasn't a good sharer. Fine, let's both start basketball teams, you take the guy who can't really shoot that well and doesn't have the skills to get to the hoop and finish, but makes up for it by passing the ball to other guys who can do those things. I'll take the guy with all the talent. Let's see who wins.

I really want some NBA team to sign Iverson. I think he still has a lot left, and I don't want to see him go out like this. The problem is Iverson needs to go to a team where he can be the alpha dog. Good teams already have one of those, and bad teams don't want him because the 8-10 extra wins he might give them still won't get them anywhere. Still, somebody should sign Allen, for the most simple reason in sports. He's better then the guy they currently have at his position. And if you think he'll destroy your locker room or your chemistry, then get yourself a better coach. Because if you're bad team, and you can't figure out a way to use a player who's probably still better than all the other players you have, then you might as well just give all your season ticket holders their money back and call it a season.