Guardians Of The Secret

About three years ago, a friend of mine told me she was a fan of Jackson Pollock's work. I asked if she'd ever seen the movie about Pollock starring Ed Harris. She said she didn't think there really was a movie like that because, if there was, she would have seen it. This presented me with a golden opportunity. By purchasing this movie for my friend, I got to do something nice and be right about something at the same time. That's a perfect storm for me, so I went to Amazon.com, got the movie and gave it to her.

Since then, without fail, Amazon.com sends me an e-mail anytime something new goes on sale that's related to Jackson Pollock, or artists, or art, or colors, or really anything that can be connected in any way to my one purchase. I always laugh a little when I get the e-mails. How do they decide who gets what e-mails? Do they just send me an e-mail every once in a while that tells me about whatever new things are closest to my previous purchase, even if they aren't that close? Or are there certain parameters, and I get an e-mail whenever something new falls into those parameters?

I don't know, and I don't really care either, but I thought of those questions when I heard about the new immigration reform law in Arizona. As I understand it, Arizona law enforcement will be able to ask anyone for identification, specifically proof of U.S. citizenship, if they have a reasonable suspicion that the person might be an undocumented immigrant.

How will they define reasonable suspicion? What will the parameters be? Will they post a Spanish language billboard for free dinero at the police station and arrest anyone who shows up? Will they just stop anyone who seems muy caliente? How exactly does one go about acting like they're here illegally? This seems like a poorly thought out idea. I'm not here to complain about Arizona though. I'm a states rights guy and if they want to try a terrible idea, that's their problem.

On a related topic, Congress is talking about taking on national immigration reform. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has threatened to make it the next issue after financial reform. Alternatively, Minority Leader Mitch McConnell is all but begging Reid not to do it. Yesterday, I heard Senator McConnell say that we currently have very high unemployment and we have serious border security issues, so this isn't the time for immigration reform. Wait, what? That sounds like a great time for immigration reform.

Democrats don't really care about immigration, they don't even want a bill. They just want the argument so they can call Republicans racists. It might work too, because some of those guys are racists. Republicans don't really care either, and a lot of them would probably support a bill on immigration reform, but they don't want the argument, because it'll give the Democrats a chance to call them racists.

I think Republicans picture a future time when the mood of the country is different and they can win an immigration reform argument by accusing Democrats of being hippies and leaving the borders open in the name of rainbows and moonbeams, but they know that time isn't now. I also think both parties have a secret. There's actually not a whole lot we can do about illegal immigration from Mexico. Here are some bad ideas that won't work:

#1 That idiot-ass border fence
When I was a kid, there was a fence between the house my family lived in and the neighbors' house. It was literally ten feet out of my way to walk around it. How many times did I climb the fence just for the hell of it? Hundreds, maybe thousands, I don't know, I lost count by the time I turned seven. I know we're building a better fence then the one I climbed as a kid, but unless we're building a magic fence, I'm pretty confident the clever Mexicans will find a way around our super awesome fence technology.

#2 Armed rednecks patrolling the border
I know, if America has a problem that can't be solved by armed rednecks, we may be in trouble. I didn't say I had good news, I'm just telling you what I know. Putting the actual military at the border might work, but they're busy trying to restore order to countries we invaded.

#3 Laws that allow police to ID anyone with brown skin, or a nice tan
I expect the Arizona law to get destroyed in a courtroom somewhere before it ever goes into effect. I hope they televise the case just so I can see if the judge laughs at the people defending it. You never know with judges these days, but I wouldn't get my hopes up for that law.

It's an equilibrium problem. Living in America is awesome, everyone wants to be here, plenty of room to succeed. Mexico, not so much, lots of pressure to leave. So, people will keep flowing from Mexico to America until we reach some kind of equilibrium. This is why you don't see thousands of undocumented Canadians running around putting syrup on everything and robbing people in Minnesota at hockey stick-point. Life in Canada is pretty cool. That leaves us with two things we actually could do...

Possible Solution #1: Fix Mexico
This is the better of the two solutions, but it isn't going to happen. I don't know how much money it would take to make life in Mexico comparable to life in the U.S., but since we're, ya know, massively in debt, I know we don't have it. I guess we could borrow money from China and Japan and give it to Mexico, but I'm not sure how much overall good that would do. This brings us to...

Possible Solution #2: Break America
There are plenty of ways to do this.
-We could do away with our currency and switch to an entirely cheese-based economy (that sounds delicious, doesn't it? Different cheeses would be worth different amounts. It would actually be pretty awesome at first, but eventually it would fail because we'd eat all the money).
-We could genetically engineer an army of killer zombies and unleash them on ourselves.
-We could allow the big banks to use campaign contributions to control both political parties, and therefore the government, leading to an endless cycle of economic failures at the hands of the economic equivalent of war profiteers. (wait, we're already doing that one? Uh oh). I probably won't get a lot of support for possible solution #2.

(Sidenote: I don't really have anything against actual bankers. I interned at a big bank in grad school. Everyone has to make a living, there are plenty of good, regular people working in the financial sector and it isn't their fault that the system is a mess)

I guess there's a third possibility. We could invade Mexico. If you wait around long enough, I'm sure you'll see some intrepid young President come up with an excuse to invade Mexico (manifest destiny!), but until then, like I said, there's nothing we can do.

Re-Mixed Bag

There's a lot going on in the sports world these days, but nothing I feel like writing a whole lot about. So, let's try another round of made-up questions from made-up readers.

Q: You're always going on and on about how great hockey is, so how come no hockey playoff picks? - Homer, Springfield.
A: Honestly, I'm just bitter about not being able to see the playoffs on TV. If I had made picks, I would have picked the Blackhawks over the Sabres in six. I like Buffalo because they've got the best goaltender. As for Chicago, I watched almost every Olympic hockey game. Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane were the two best non-goaltenders in that tournament. They both play in Chicago.

Q: Any thoughts on Sam Bradford going number one in the NFL draft yesterday? - George J., the future.
A: I can't believe the Rams didn't take Ndamukong Suh. That's going to wind up being a HUGE mistake, an Oden/Durant level mistake. If you don't believe me, just ask the pile of bodies Suh left on the field after every Nebraska game last year. That dude is a monster, QB's in the NFC North better starting running now.

PS...I demand that Fox use Johnny Cash's A Boy Named Sue at least once during every Lions' game next year. I demand it.

PPS...yes, Greg Oden is the new Sam Bowie. Congratulations to Portland for making the exact same mistake twice. That really takes...umm...what's the oppostive of savvy.

Q: The Denver Broncos took Tim Tebow with the 25th pick in the NFL draft. Do you think that was a bad idea? - Eric, South Park, CO.
A: Bad idea? Trying to hook up with a stripper is a bad idea. Driving to the store to get cigarettes when you're so drunk that you want cigarettes even though you don't smoke is a bad idea. Tim Tebow in the first round was a terrible idea. Denver just blew a 1st round pick on a guy that will never be a starting quarterback in the NFL. Ever. Congratulations Broncos fans, I hope you enjoy the white Tommy Frazier, or as he was formerly known, Eric Crouch.

Q: If your favorite NFL team needed a QB, would you want them to give up some high draft picks for Ben Roethlisberger? - Peter, Quahog, RI.
A: Honestly, no. I'm not usually someone who cares about character, but the Roethlisbozo is a meat-head frat boy who doesn't appear to have the ability or the inclination to grow up. It's not like this is his first stupid incident. I have no confidence that this will be his last conduct suspension, so I'd stay away.

Q: You're a New York guy. Can you give me a good reason Mets' fans shouldn't all kill themselves? - Lion-o, ummm, I don't know where the Thundercats were from, my childhood?
A: Actually, I can, no fooling. Mike Pelfrey. I've seen every Pelfrey start this year, and this doesn't look like a hot start or a fluke to me. Pelfrey looks to be in total control out there, he looks like he figured something out. I think he'll finish the year with an ERA right around 3 and 15-18 wins. Considering how young he is, I think that's enough for Mets' fans to put down the cyanide. Come on, put it down. There you go.

Q: After almost completely leaving him out of all of your baseball previews, what are your thoughts about Jason Heyward? - Stan, Langley Falls, VA.
A: He's like a cross between Barry Bonds, Jesus and Superman. Seriously though, I'm pretty impressed. I can't wait for him to become a Yankee. Maybe we should trade Nick Swisher now just to make room.

Q: What's the most surprising thing about the baseball season so far? - Stewie, Quahog, RI.
I'd have to say it's the Red Sox. They really look awful. It's early, and Boston has the pieces to add players if they need to, but Tampa and the Yankees both look like 100-win teams. Boston can't afford to get too far back. If the Sox can't get it going, we could see the rare May trade.

Q: You picked the Washington Wizards to make it to the second round of the NBA playoffs. Is that the stupidest thing you've ever said? - Stan, South Park, CO.
A: I may have said something stupider at some point in my life, but it has to be the stupidest thing I've ever put in writing. In my defense, many players who started the year in Washington have a solid chance of going to the second round, maybe even further.

Q: Any thoughts on the Masters? - Pinky and the Brain, some kind of science lab.
A: I was rooting for Tiger for four days, right up until Phil won and hugged his wife and I remembered that Mickelson stuck by his wife when she got cancer and Tiger had sex with anything that moved. I guess what I'm saying is, hooray for Phil!

Q: Now that the playoffs have started, how are you feeling about your NBA picks? - Cleveland, Stoolbend, VA.
A: Pretty good. If you take out my previously mentioned disastrous Wizards prediction, I actually did a decent job, including being dead on about the Durants giving the Lakers a hard time in a first round series. I still like my Spurs-Magic finals, too.

I know the Spurs are a 7 seed, but I think they can roll past the Mavs and whoever they get in round two. I know the Lakers are still the favorite, but I've watched all three of their playoff games, something just looks off. The Spurs have the look of a team that's putting it together at the right time.

Then there's the Magic. I'd love to see the Bulls find a way to take four games from Cleveland, but it's probably not going to happen. I'm sure we're heading for the inevitable Magic-Cavs conference final. Betting on Vince Carter is basically like playing a slot machine, but I'm sticking with my pick. Magic over the Hype Kings in six.

Why Can't We Have Nice Things?

Why do we always have to tinker with everything? We always have to try and make everything in sports bigger and better and more profitable. Why can't we ever just have a nice thing and keep it that way?

Two weeks ago the baseball season started. Opening day for baseball is easily one of the best 10 sports days of the year, hands down. But we don't really have opening day anymore, do we? Nope. We have opening Sunday night. This year, we got the Yankees and the Red Sox (because the country hasn't already seen enough of them) on Sunday night in Boston. There's already something crappy about night baseball (as compared to day baseball), starting the season with it is double crappy.

Next Thursday is the first round of the NFL draft. I'll watch, because I'm a man and thus legally required to watch anything NFL-related. Up until this year, the NFL draft was on a weekend, and it was kind of cool. I could never really explain why it was so fascinating, but it was. It was two days of non-stop football, except without any football. It sounds unwatchable, but it was great.

Now? Thursday night is round one, and then Friday is rounds two and three, then Saturday is the rest. What? Why not just have one pick a night every night for the rest of the year? Why not add a few rounds so we have 365 picks and just make it non-stop? Every night, all the time, one NFL pick. How about not televising it at all? Keep all the picks secret until opening week and it's a big surprise for everyone. Sure, you'd have to cancel the pre-season to do that, but no one gives a crap about the pre-season anyway.

And speaking of opening week, don't even get me started on the first week of the NFL. Most people, if they had a time machine, they'd go back and stop John Wilkes Boothe from killing Lincoln, or they'd go kill Hitler before he took power in Germany. Those things would be nice and all, but I might just use my time machine to go back and stop the guy who convinced the NFL that Thursday games are a good idea.

The NHL playoffs used to be on my TV every spring, I loved them. This post-season all I get are Devils' games until they get eliminated. Devils' games! I'd almost rather have no playoff hockey at all. The real playoff games are on some network I don't get and no one had ever heard of before the NHL moved there. The NHL playoffs would be more accessible to me if they played the games on the moon and made me watch through a telescope.

I already wrote something about changing the NCAA tournament. I actually wrote that I agree with adding more teams, and I do, but I still don't understand why we need to screw with something that was already working. "Everyone loves this tournament, other networks don't even bother trying on Thursday and Friday nights in March, people call in sick to work to watch schools they've never heard of play each other, it's perfect. Let's see if we can ruin it".

It's not just sports either. Green Day used to be a pretty cool band. They weren't the best thing out there, but they were certainly listenable. Perfectly adequate corporate punk rock. Like Blink 182, only slightly better because Billie Joe's brother Tim was in Operation Ivy and Rancid. I was a fan. Now there's a Green Day Broadway musical. What an abomination. Every time I see the commercial I want to break a guitar over someone's head.

The answer to this riddle, of course, is money. And I'm fine with that. I like money. Who doesn't like money? I only have one idea for change. I'd like to go to a Yankee game sometime soon in the new stadium. I'd like good seats, because, as much as I love baseball, nothing is worse than sitting in the upper deck trying to watch a game you could have a better look at on TV. Unfortunately, I don't have 5,000 extra dollars laying around. Bummer.

So, my proposal is simple. I think sports should have to pick one or the other. Either keep charging us eleventy billion dollars for tickets, or keep making us put up with this constant tinkering designed to bring in more corporate money, but not both. If I have to watch the NFL draft one round at a time, then I should be able to go to a Jets game for free. If I have to take out a mortgage to go to Yankee Stadium, then I should be able to watch the Yankee game on YES without commercials. I think that's a fair compromise.

And, if sports refuses to give in to my demands, I will keep watching them, because sports are awesome, and I shouldn't complain so much.

Not So Stupid

Sometime last week, the radio told me that college basketball may very well be expanding the NCAA tournament to 96 teams. My first reaction, like most people, was "that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!". Part of me still thinks I may be right about that. First, here's my understanding of how it would work.

Teams would be seeded 1-24 in each region. On the Tuesday and Wednesday before the games usually start, teams 9 and 24 would play each other, 10 and 23, etc etc. Then, the winners of those games would play the top eight seeds and the schedule would continue as it always has.

First of all, why mess with the best sports event in the world. The first Thursday/Friday round of the NCAA tournament is absolutely the best sports we get all year, and it's not even close. If anyone wants to argue the NHL playoffs are better, I'm listening, but you need to get them back on my TV. If anyone wants to argue the world cup is better, go live in South America with the rest of the soccer fans.

This new schedule would definitely take out some of the first week excitement. For example, everyone watched 15 seed Robert Morris almost shock 2 seed Villanova. Under the new system, Robert Morris probably still has that scrappy almost-win, but it happens on Tuesday against the 6th best team in the Big Ten and no one really cares. So that's kind of a bad thing.

More importantly for me, the people who run college basketball are basically the same morons who run college football. The idea of tinkering with the best thing they have (the NCAA tournament) while doing nothing about America's greatest sports abomination (the unforgivable bowl system) makes me want to put all 120 division one college presidents in a room, lock the door and release the hounds, or the bees, or the hounds with bees in their mouths so when they bark they shoot bees at you.

Clearly, I have my concerns. The more I thought about it though, this expansion idea actually started to make more sense. I'm a numbers guy, here's my argument:

The NFL: 32 teams, 12 make the playoffs. That's 37.5%
The NBA: 30 teams, 16 make the playoffs. That's 53.3%
Baseball: 30 teams, 8 make the playoffs. That's 26.7%
The NHL: still at a ridiculous 30 teams, 16 make the playoffs. Also 53.3%
Big Time College Football: 120 teams, 34 bowls for 68 teams. That's 56.7%

Wait, forget about that last one. The college football post-season doesn't count for anything, ever. But I think the rest of it makes a compelling argument.

There are 347 division one basketball teams, and that number will probably keep growing. Currently 65 of those teams make the real tournament, that's only 18.7%. Even 96 teams would only bump it up to 27.7%, barely more than baseball and way less than the other three major sports.

I know, there's also the NIT and CBI tournaments, which would bring the total post-season count for college basketball to 113, or 32.6%. That's still less than everything but baseball. Also, the NIT and CBI don't count and definitely shouldn't keep happening. Congratulations Dayton, you're approximately the 50th best team in your sport this year! Go crazy!

Why not give college basketball more teams in the real post-season? Especially since most college basketball players aren't going to the NBA or any other pro league. This is their only shot at playing in a meaningful playoff game. And for the fans, we get two more days of pretty competitive games. Would you trade a few of the exciting moments from this year's tournament for two whole extra days of games? I feel like I would. You'd have to at least consider it, right?

Revelation 6:8

"And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him"

So why I am quoting the bible today? It's not really my thing, right? Well, I did go to 12 years of Catholic school, so at one time or another, I've read or heard pretty much every word in that book. And while I don't, ya know, believe most of it, I happily concede that a lot of it is very well written; and this verse from the book of revelation is my favorite. I think of it whenever I see something that makes me wonder if we're all going to die soon.

That explains why I'm quoting the bible, but why my favorite quote, and why today? Well, it seems Sean Hannity's white power book tour (err...conservative victory tour) has landed in Minnesota this evening. First of all, I'm selling Minnesota to Canada the first chance I get, they were already on thin ice, I warned them. More importantly, while he was in town, Hannity decided to interview Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann. That was bound to happen eventually, but it just so happened that former almost one term Alaska Governor Sarah Palin was in Minnesota today campaigning for Bachmann, and she joined them too.

Do you understand what I'm describing? Hannity and Palin and Bachmann. It's an apocalyptic vortex of fantasy and insanity. Combined IQ: 39ish. Combined crazy quotient: eleventy billion. I didn't even know it was happening. I just flipped through the news channels during a commercial break in the Yankee game and there it was, like a mushroom cloud of stupidity.

I wanted to document the whole hour, but every time I tried to listen for more than 3 minutes straight, blood started coming out of my ears. I've been told spontaneous ear bleeding is bad, so I'll have to jump in and out and just give you the highlights.

(by the way, I jumped to the Yankee game and saw Chan Ho Park...pitching for the Yankees...in a tie game...against Boston. Is there anything on TV that won't make my ears bleed?)

First of all, at least Palin and Hannity are dressed like grown-ups. Bachmann is wearing what I would describe as a taxi cab hood that she stole and fashioned into a jacket. This reminded me of the 2008 campaign when everyone made fun of Hillary Clinton's ridiculous pantsuits and her friends in the media called it sexist because no one makes fun of the male politicians' clothes. Well, I don't see a lot of male politicians in bright yellow jackets.

Palin (right off the bat): "we're not gonna retreat, we're gonna reload". Nothing like a gun metaphor in a time of amped up rhetoric and high emotion. Yes, everyone with a brain understands she's not actually suggesting people reload and go shoot someone. But this is the Hannity show, plenty of people without brains are watching (two people without brains are sitting right next to her).

Bachmann: "people are recognizing we're losing something really valuable". Was she talking about her mind? Was she talking about our sacred right to die young because we couldn't get health care? Oh, she was talking about freedom. Well then.

Six minutes in, we get a "socialism" from Palin and another one right back at her from Hannity. Glad to see they haven't forgotten their talking points. Barack Obama is a radical. You know how I know that? Because Sean Hannity says it every 17 seconds.

Hannity just took a minute to compliment Palin's facebook popularity. It's true, she's like the most popular girl in Hannity's high school. I wonder if they're going steady yet. Meanwhile, Bachmann seems to have picked up Palin's ability to speak without punctuation. When you add Bachmann's crazy eyes and subtract Palin's cool Alaska accent, it really doesn't work as well.

Bachmann (on the health care bill): "we need to tell the truth about the bill". I don't even know where to start. Sometimes I have to wonder if other people can hear themselves talk. I suddenly have a headache.

Palin: "the lamestream media...they'll call us fear mongers"
Bachmann (around 7 minutes later): "we need to be on red hot alert, five alarm alert"

The three of them are all kinds of worked up about Obama's new nuclear weapons policy, which is essentially that we won't use our nuclear weapons against nations who attack us with non-nuclear weapons. I don't know, that seems sort of reasonable to me. Bachmann said "it's an insane policy, and ridiculous, and morally reprehensible" and suggested that anything short of using nuclear weapons is equivalent to saying that it's "OK" to attack us.

Listen, I actually agree with the general notion that it's not a great idea to take options off the table before a hypothetical attack even happens. Furthermore, taking options off the table in advance like that is something I'm pretty sure President Obama, while campaigning, specifically said he wouldn't do. However, in the 65 years since we last used nuclear weapons, we've come up with plenty of other good ways to make things explode. I'm not that worried.

Bachmann: "Our policy for the last 50 years of being ready to defend western Europe against the Soviets has worked." Yes, that's true, it's been especially effective for the last 20 or so years. Those Soviets aren't even looking at Poland now! Be warned Soviets, don't you dare try and take West Germany, Congresswoman Bachmann has her eye on you.

Bachmann (about Obama): "he's engaged in fantasy politics...something crazy...something crazy...fantasy national security". Michele Bachmann just accused someone of living in a fantasy world. MICHELE BACHMANN! I feel like John McEnroe arguing with an umpire..."WHAT?!? YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!!!" Michele Bachmann's whole life is a fantasy.

Hannity is a talking points machine. You can't get that guy off message. I think even Palin is a little annoyed by it. By the way, I've been to Minnesota, I'm positive I saw black people there. None in the arena tonight though. Odd.

Bachmann: "the American people have been had by the politicians they elected". I'm sorry Michele, what is it you do again? Some kind of government job, you say? Hmmmm.

The last thing I heard before I passed out was Hannity asking the crowd if they'd like to see a Palin/Bachmann Presidential ticket in 2012. Did the crowd respond with stunned silence? No. Did they gasp in horror? Nope. They cheered...loudly...and they were totally serious. So yeah, it's entirely possible that we're all going to die soon. You've been warned.

My Big Fat Baseball Preview - AL East

Before we get to my last division, let's do some big picture predictions. I could tell you that Roy Halladay will win a Cy Young award and Albert Pujols will be the NL MVP, and I'd probably be right, but where's the fun in that? Let's go out on a limb a little.

AL Rookie of the Year - Justin Smoak
AL Cy Young - Felix Hernandez (OK, not a big limb here)
AL MVP - Kevin Youkilis
NL Rookie of the Year - Jason Heyward (no limb at all here, whatever)
NL Cy Young - Ubaldo Jimenez
NL MVP - Justin Upton

Quick note on Heyward. I didn't even mention him when I talked about the Braves. I honestly didn't think he'd make their opening day roster. Now that he's there, I'm sold. Let's get to baseball's best division.

Boston Red Sox
I don't hate the Red Sox. There's something about sports hate that I just don't get. I don't like the Red Sox, I root against them when they're playing the Yankees, but I don't hate them. When they won in 2004, I was unhappy about the ALCS, but I was honestly happy for Sox fans when they won the world series. I wasn't rooting for them to win, but it didn't make me angry. I guess if all fans were like me, sports would be less fun.

Off-season: Something about Boston's off-season left me wanting more. John Lackey was a nice start, but this team is already so stacked with pitching, it didn't really feel necessary. Meanwhile, on the line-up side of things, they replaced Jason Bay with an aging Mike Cameron. Cameron isn't a base stealer anymore (7 last year) and was never a great hitter for average (.250 career). Cameron's greatest asset was always his defense, but at 37, I have my questions about how good he'll actually be (and how long before they move Ellsbury back to center field). And I'm not sure how much better Adrian Beltre is than Mike Lowell. I know Lowell's 36 and basically held together with duct tape, but he hit .290 last year.

Line-up: This team strikes me as one bat short. The conventional wisdom says that bat is Adrian Gonzalez and he'll be arriving soon enough, but where do you put him. Do you bench Ortiz? Do you move Youkilis to third and bench Beltre? San Diego wouldn't take either of those guys back in a trade. I like Ellsbury's speed, but I'm not so wild about his .350 career OBP. I like JD Drew more than most people do, but he's still JD Drew. Ortiz is the key here. People will tell you he was much better in the second half last year, but only the power really came back, he still only hit .258 after the break. Add that to his .212 average all year against lefties and I wouldn't be too encouraged. If Ortiz hits again, this team can score with anyone. If not, like I said, one bat short.

Pitching: Boston has, by far, the best pitching in baseball. It's not even remotely close. Not only does their rotation go 6 deep (which I guess is good because Dice K is already hurt), but they've also got guys like Casey Kelly ready in the minors if needed. Jon Lester could win the Cy Young this year and I think Clay Bucholtz has a break out year in him. The bullpen is just as scary. Papelbon makes things interesting, but his 1.85 ERA last year says he knows how to close the deal. Bard and Delcarmen could both probably close for about 15 other teams. Just thinking about the Yankees trying to score runs against this team is making me dizzy.

Final Thought: Boston's organizational depth scares me. If there's a big outfield bat on the trade market in July, the Red Sox have the chips to make the deal. Ortiz clogging up the DH spot makes it a little harder for them to add someone, but they'll have to bench him eventually if he doesn't hit.

Prediction: First place. I have my concerns about their line-up, but the pitching and the pitching depth they have sets them up nicely to win consistently over the long season. When the injuries start to come and everyone needs to go to their 7th or 8th starter, the Sox will still be throwing studs out there while the Yankees are down to Sergio Mitre. How will they do in the playoffs?...let's find out.

New York Yankees
I've said this before and I'll say it again. Being a Yankee fan is no fun. You expect a championship every year, anything else is a huge disappointment. There's no joy after a win, just relief. It's the sports equivalent of a heroin addiction. It's great at first, but after a while you need a world series ring just to get you to normal.

Off-season: Trades were the big deal this off-season. I give them around a B+ for the Granderson thing. I like Austin Jackson, but you never know with prospects. I give them an A+++ for the Vazquez thing. Braves fans are about to find out what we Yankee fans already know, Melky Cabrera is a 4th outfielder, nothing more. That was a steal. Nick Johnson and Randy Winn were interesting signings. I like Johnson and I look forward to the 20 or 30 healthy games I get to see him play this year.

Line-up: The Yankees have the best line-up around. I'm not wild about Nick Swisher, but I like Brett Gardner more than most people do and Granderson brings serious power (40 HR's easy in Yankee Stadium). I like Robinson Cano for the AL batting title this year. If Alex Rodriguez has one more MVP caliber season left in him, it should happen now. With this line-up, in that park, this team will score and score and score. In other news, water is wet and the sun is hot.

Pitching: I'm not crazy about the Yankees' pitching. I've never been a big Pettitte fan (Yankee sacrilege, I know) and while I like the Vazquez trade because of the nothing the Yankees gave up, I was also here in 2004 when we saw him last. I like Phil Hughes for the 5th starter spot,but what happens when he gets hurt (and history says he probably will). The bullpen makes me a little nervous too. Robertson, Marte, Aceves, Joba? Eek. I know people remember Joba being a lights out 8th inning guy when he first came up, but he's not that guy anymore, not even close. Lots of high scoring games for this team.

Final Thought: The Yankees don't have a lot left for mid-season deals. Austin Jackson was their biggest chip. They still have Jesus Montero, but they'd really like to keep him. They could get in on a big outfield bat too, but I feel like Boston could outbid them.

Prediction: Second place and the AL wild card. But guess what? I think the Yankees can take the Sox in a short series. By October, Boston's pitching will be a little more manageable. Beckett's never right by the end of the season and Dice K can't stay healthy. The Yankee line-up is solid enough to deal with Boston's pen. I like Boston in the long run, but I think the Yankees are a better team head to head. I see another world series for the Yanks.

Tampa Bay Rays
Did you know Tampa Bay isn't even a real city? And not just because New York is the only real city. There's no city in Florida called Tampa Bay. A few years ago, I could follow that up with a joke about how the Rays aren't a real baseball team, but not anymore. Still a stupid name though. Devil Rays was stupid to begin with, Rays is even stupider.

Off-season: As usual, the Rays mostly sat back and watched other teams sign players. They did pick up Rafael Soriano. I like Soriano, but he's another guy who can't stay healthy. But, if he does stay healthy, Soriano was solid for Atlanta last year (27 saves, 2.97 ERA. Not bad) and he's a good addition.

Line-up: I don't like this line-up as much as TV guys seem to. Longoria could be the MVP this year, or really any year for the next 10, and I like BJ Upton and Carl Crawford. But, like the AL East itself, this line-up has a weak underbelly. Dioner Navarro hit .218 last year. Pat Burrell's been so bad this spring that Tampa appears to be considering Hank Blalock at DH. Carlos Pena's a nice power hitter, but he hit .227 last year, including .211 against lefties. And, they still don't have a right fielder. They gave up Edwin Jackson last spring for Matt Joyce, who proceeded to give them nothing. Can this team score? Hell yeah. Can they score with the Yankees and the Red Sox? I don't see it.

Pitching: Like Boston, pitching is a real strength for Tampa. Unlike Boston, I don't really see an ace here. Both Shields and Garza had losing records and ERA's around 4 last year. Wade Davis and David Price could both be aces someday, but probably not this year. You know how I feel about teams without aces. I like this bullpen, but it let them down last year. It takes a lot of pitching to hold up in this division, I'm not sure if Tampa has it.

Final Thought: Does it bother anyone else that this team would win the NL west by about 40 games?

Bonus Final Thought: I'm so excited for when the Yankees sign Carl Crawford, I can barely contain myself. He'll be the best lead-off hitter I've seen in pinstripes since they had Rickey Henderson, and Crawford's not even crazy. I can't wait.

Prediction: Third place. This is sad, since they're probably the third best team in baseball. Look out below if they start slow and start trading people early. This is the still the Tampa Bay Rays, they know where last place is.

Baltimore Orioles
Off-season: For some reason, my brain kept telling me Miguel Tejada was a bust the first time around in Baltimore, then I looked at the numbers. He hit .330 in 2006. He drove in 150 runs for them 2004. Holy crap! Last year in Houston he still hit .313. Not a terrible addition. I don't see Garret Atkins doing a whole lot for them, this is a guy who couldn't hit at Coors field last year. Finally, the Orioles just traded for Julio Lugo. Red Sox fans can tell you that there's nothing good about that last sentence.

Line-up: This isn't a bad line-up. Really promising young outfield, solid infield. Matt Wieters should have his first of many really good seasons. They can't hit with the Yankees, but they can hit. I'd be willing to buy this team as a contender in another division.

Pitching: Sigh. I like Brian Matusz, so does everyone else. But playing a third of your games against the Yankees, Red Sox and Rays doesn't really lend itself to developing young pitching. People say Kevin Millwood is underrated. Really? I'm looking at his numbers, I think unimpressed is exactly how I'm supposed to feel. The bullpen isn't terrible, but Mike Gonzalez already has some back issues, so it's not starting out well on the injury front. Not a lot to like here.

Final Thought: This is a wierd team. Some young guys, some old guys, pitching on the way but mostly not there yet. The 2010 Orioles are the poster children for a rebuilding year. At least Baltimore fans have Boog's BBQ.

Prediction: Fourth place. This team is clearly better than Toronto and clearly worse than everyone else. I may be more confident about Baltimore for fourth place than I am about anything else I've predicted.

Toronto Blue Jays
I'm not the first person to say this, but the '94 strike murdered baseball in Toronto. Now that the Expos are gone, can't we just move this team to Las Vegas and let Canada focus on hockey? Wouldn't that be best for everyone?

Off-season: The Halladay trade was really the headline for Toronto's off-season. Whenever giving away your best player turns out to be the highlight of your off-season, that's not a good sign. They also signed Jose Molina. On behalf of Yankee fans everywhere, thanks.

Line-up: I like Aaron Hill (36HR from 2nd base last year) and I like Adam Lind (.305/35/114 last year, wow). Unfortunately, that's about it. Did Vernon Wells get old in a hurry, or was he never really that good? Same question about Lyle Overbay. The Reds just got tired of looking at Edwin Encarnacion. In case you haven't noticed, Cincinnati isn't exactly swimming with great talent. I look at this line-up and I see outs, lots of them.

Pitching: ...move along people...nothing to see here.

Final Thought: Just when I thought I couldn't be any less excited about this team, I remembered that they play in a dome. When I'm President, I'm outlawing indoor baseball. I don't care if it's cold in Toronto in April, it's cold in New York too, you don't hear us complaining.

Prediction: Last place. I feel bad for this team, lots of ass kickings in their immediate future.

Oh...who's winning the world series? Well, I've got the Yankees and Phillies getting there again. I like Philadelphia's pitching, but their bullpen might be a mess. If Brad Lidge has a year like he had in 2008, I like the Phillies in 7. If Brad Lidge has a year like he had last year, I like the Yankees in 6 again. That's not exactly a definitive prediction, but it's all I've got for now.

The Most Racist Thing I'll Ever See

I have what I think is an interesting question, and I'm wondering if anyone who reads this would be inclined to answer. Have you heard of the All-American Basketball Alliance? (hang in there, that isn't the actual question) The AABA is (and for those of you who haven't heard of it yet I swear I'm not making this up) a proposed basketball league that will feature only white players and only American players. To play in this league, you and both of your parents have to be white and American.

I don't think this will ever actually happen, because how could 12 cities possibly be willing to host a team in this league? Even cities with tons of white people and a healthy portion of latent racism wouldn't be willing to do this. Right? Right??? But if it does happen, I say it'll be the most racist thing I'll ever see, because I'm only 30. I didn't actually see slavery or segregation or anything like that with my own eyes.

The guy who is trying to start this league, who calls himself "Moose" (again, I swear I'm not making that up either), is literally attempting to re-segregate a sport. His pitch, as far as I can tell, is that all these black guys and foreigners are ruining good, fundamental, white basketball. All the skill and talent the NBA is currently plagued with is ruining the fun of watching five white guys make good bounce passes.

Obviously, this is super racist. This guy shatters the 2010 racism scale. And the craziest part is, I've seen this guy on TV, more than once, defending his idea as totally not racist. It's almost like he's playing a practical joke on us. But here's my question. Would playing in this league make someone a racist?

Here's my scenario. Let's say I'm a white guy(hard to imagine, I know). I played high school ball. I didn't get a scholarship out of it, but I managed to walk on at a small but respectable division one school. I worked my way into the rotation and had a big game the year my team went to the tournament and almost stunned Kentucky. I wasn't nearly good enough for the NBA, or even the D-league. I went to Europe for two years, but mostly sat the bench and didn't get any new offers when I was done. I couldn't get on a pro team anywhere else.

Now, I'm 25-26 years old, back in America doing what every other failed athlete is doing, working a crappy job I hate (come to think of it, isn't pretty much everyone doing that, failed athlete or not, stupid life, anyway...). I'm getting no bites with basketball, my old high school won't even let me be an assistant coach. That probably has something to do with my setting the baseball field on fire the night after graduation. Whatever!

Then, just when I'm ready to give up on basketball, the GM for the Kentucky Killer Kangaroos (if this league ever does happen, I demand that I be the one to make up all 12 team names) shows up at my door and says he remembers seeing me play in college. He thinks I could really help out his team if I'm still in shape. He's not just talking about sitting on the bench, he's talking big minutes. I've kept myself in excellent shape and I'm ready to play. This is my last chance at my dream, this is the last opportunity basketball will ever offer me, this is, literally, the bottom of the barrel.

Under those circumstances, what, if anything, does it say about me if I take the offer? Would I be selling my soul to the devil? Would it not be my fault that the only league interested in me happens to be possibly the single most racist thing in America? Sometimes, going to work for the bad guys makes you one of the bad guys, is this one of those times? I honestly don't know, I'm wondering if anyone who reads this has a thought.