Revelation 6:8

"And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him"

So why I am quoting the bible today? It's not really my thing, right? Well, I did go to 12 years of Catholic school, so at one time or another, I've read or heard pretty much every word in that book. And while I don't, ya know, believe most of it, I happily concede that a lot of it is very well written; and this verse from the book of revelation is my favorite. I think of it whenever I see something that makes me wonder if we're all going to die soon.

That explains why I'm quoting the bible, but why my favorite quote, and why today? Well, it seems Sean Hannity's white power book tour (err...conservative victory tour) has landed in Minnesota this evening. First of all, I'm selling Minnesota to Canada the first chance I get, they were already on thin ice, I warned them. More importantly, while he was in town, Hannity decided to interview Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann. That was bound to happen eventually, but it just so happened that former almost one term Alaska Governor Sarah Palin was in Minnesota today campaigning for Bachmann, and she joined them too.

Do you understand what I'm describing? Hannity and Palin and Bachmann. It's an apocalyptic vortex of fantasy and insanity. Combined IQ: 39ish. Combined crazy quotient: eleventy billion. I didn't even know it was happening. I just flipped through the news channels during a commercial break in the Yankee game and there it was, like a mushroom cloud of stupidity.

I wanted to document the whole hour, but every time I tried to listen for more than 3 minutes straight, blood started coming out of my ears. I've been told spontaneous ear bleeding is bad, so I'll have to jump in and out and just give you the highlights.

(by the way, I jumped to the Yankee game and saw Chan Ho Park...pitching for the Yankees...in a tie game...against Boston. Is there anything on TV that won't make my ears bleed?)

First of all, at least Palin and Hannity are dressed like grown-ups. Bachmann is wearing what I would describe as a taxi cab hood that she stole and fashioned into a jacket. This reminded me of the 2008 campaign when everyone made fun of Hillary Clinton's ridiculous pantsuits and her friends in the media called it sexist because no one makes fun of the male politicians' clothes. Well, I don't see a lot of male politicians in bright yellow jackets.

Palin (right off the bat): "we're not gonna retreat, we're gonna reload". Nothing like a gun metaphor in a time of amped up rhetoric and high emotion. Yes, everyone with a brain understands she's not actually suggesting people reload and go shoot someone. But this is the Hannity show, plenty of people without brains are watching (two people without brains are sitting right next to her).

Bachmann: "people are recognizing we're losing something really valuable". Was she talking about her mind? Was she talking about our sacred right to die young because we couldn't get health care? Oh, she was talking about freedom. Well then.

Six minutes in, we get a "socialism" from Palin and another one right back at her from Hannity. Glad to see they haven't forgotten their talking points. Barack Obama is a radical. You know how I know that? Because Sean Hannity says it every 17 seconds.

Hannity just took a minute to compliment Palin's facebook popularity. It's true, she's like the most popular girl in Hannity's high school. I wonder if they're going steady yet. Meanwhile, Bachmann seems to have picked up Palin's ability to speak without punctuation. When you add Bachmann's crazy eyes and subtract Palin's cool Alaska accent, it really doesn't work as well.

Bachmann (on the health care bill): "we need to tell the truth about the bill". I don't even know where to start. Sometimes I have to wonder if other people can hear themselves talk. I suddenly have a headache.

Palin: "the lamestream media...they'll call us fear mongers"
Bachmann (around 7 minutes later): "we need to be on red hot alert, five alarm alert"

The three of them are all kinds of worked up about Obama's new nuclear weapons policy, which is essentially that we won't use our nuclear weapons against nations who attack us with non-nuclear weapons. I don't know, that seems sort of reasonable to me. Bachmann said "it's an insane policy, and ridiculous, and morally reprehensible" and suggested that anything short of using nuclear weapons is equivalent to saying that it's "OK" to attack us.

Listen, I actually agree with the general notion that it's not a great idea to take options off the table before a hypothetical attack even happens. Furthermore, taking options off the table in advance like that is something I'm pretty sure President Obama, while campaigning, specifically said he wouldn't do. However, in the 65 years since we last used nuclear weapons, we've come up with plenty of other good ways to make things explode. I'm not that worried.

Bachmann: "Our policy for the last 50 years of being ready to defend western Europe against the Soviets has worked." Yes, that's true, it's been especially effective for the last 20 or so years. Those Soviets aren't even looking at Poland now! Be warned Soviets, don't you dare try and take West Germany, Congresswoman Bachmann has her eye on you.

Bachmann (about Obama): "he's engaged in fantasy politics...something crazy...something crazy...fantasy national security". Michele Bachmann just accused someone of living in a fantasy world. MICHELE BACHMANN! I feel like John McEnroe arguing with an umpire..."WHAT?!? YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!!!" Michele Bachmann's whole life is a fantasy.

Hannity is a talking points machine. You can't get that guy off message. I think even Palin is a little annoyed by it. By the way, I've been to Minnesota, I'm positive I saw black people there. None in the arena tonight though. Odd.

Bachmann: "the American people have been had by the politicians they elected". I'm sorry Michele, what is it you do again? Some kind of government job, you say? Hmmmm.

The last thing I heard before I passed out was Hannity asking the crowd if they'd like to see a Palin/Bachmann Presidential ticket in 2012. Did the crowd respond with stunned silence? No. Did they gasp in horror? Nope. They cheered...loudly...and they were totally serious. So yeah, it's entirely possible that we're all going to die soon. You've been warned.