The Man That You Fear

This Republican primary race is hard to figure.  Nobody can rationally explain how Trump still leads all the polls.  Trump got himself in trouble recently by suggesting that we just stop letting muslims into the country.  And by "got himself in trouble" I mean scored another week of non-stop media coverage and surged in the polls.  Does Trump not allow follow-up questions?  Or if you ask him a follow-up question does he just yell and make faces until you give up?  How would this plan work?

For years, Trump insisted that Barack Obama was a secret muslim engaged in a lifelong plan to lie about being a muslim so he could become President of the United States and do...I don't know...whatever terrible thing Trump thinks he's going to do in the next year before he's not the President anymore.  Any yet, no muslim terrorist would be cagey enough to slip past airport screeners on the lookout for muslims.  Seems like a flawed plan to me.

Anyway, the part I really can't figure out is how Ted Cruz is suddenly pushing into a clear 2nd place.  How is Ted Cruz the anti-Trump?  How do you decide you don't like Trump and then you see Ted Cruz and you're like "sign me up!"?  If Donald Trump is your problem, Ted Cruz is not the answer.  If the things Donald Trump says scare you, Ted Cruz is the man that you fear. 

While Trump is wildly unelectable, comically so, Cruz is vaguely electable under the right circumstances.  For one thing, he at least has some experience governing.  He's terrible at it, also comically so, but he's done it a little.  And while Trump has the temperament of three toddlers in a man suit, Cruz has all the sociopathic tendencies of a serial killer.  That might sound unelectable, but serial killers only become serial killers by luring victims into his lair or whatever.

The point is, Cruz is like Trump only worse because he actually takes this election seriously and he may just be tricky enough to get nominated.  And if we have to choose between Ted Cruz and Hillary Clinton my only suggestion would be that we all hold our breath until one of these parties gives us a decent candidate to vote for.  OK, let's see how long I can last tonight.

8:47PM: Tonight's debate is being moderated by Blitzer and some other CNN clowns.  I'm starting with zero patience for CNN so my attitude isn't going to get any better.

8:49PM: Rand immediately attacked Trump and said boots on the ground in Syria should be Arab boots.  Big pop from the crowd for Rand.  Interesting.

8:50PM: Kasich says his daughter doesn't like politics because it's loud and there's a lot of yelling.  I'm going to score that as two consecutive attacks on Trump.

8:52PM: Carly started off by saying "Like all of you, I'm angry".  That pretty much sums Carly up.

8:53PM: Jeb started off with something about how things are under attack and Hillary is under investigation and something else is under the gun.  I told you last time, Jeb loves to have fun with words.

8:54PM: Rubio apparently lived in Vegas for six years when he was a kid, and his dad smoked three cigars a day.  Then he said something stupid about traditional values but still, is it possible Rubio is actually interesting?  Why has he been hiding it?  Tell us more about your smokey Vegas upbringing!

8:57PM: Carson started off with a moment of silence for San Bernadino victims.  Then he made some tortured analogy about the country being in critical condition and excising the cancer of ISIS.  Ben's campaign is like Bruce Willis in the Sixth Sense.

8:59PM: It's amazing how Trump still stands out on a stage full of egomaniacs.  He immediately pointed out how he's center stage and "people like" what he says.  He's like a little kid telling you how he did great at school today.

9:00PM: "I will build a wall, it'll be a great wall."  I don't really have to tell you who said that, right?

9:02PM: Jeb points out that banning all muslims from the United States isn't a serious proposal and might make some of the countries in the Middle East we're hoping will fight ISIS with us a little uncomfortable about working with us.  Then he called Trump a "chaos candidate".  Zing!  Trump responded, predictably, by insulting Jeb and Jeb's campaign and generally being a dick.

9:04PM: Question to Rubio: "You said banning all muslims is unconstitutional, but polls show a majority of Republicans support Trump's proposal...".  I wish Rubio had just said that constitutional things aren't up for a majority vote, but he said some other stuff instead.

9:06PM: Cruz just quoted FDR's grandfather, but then he actually made a vaguely coherent point about the difference between radical muslim terrorists and other muslims.  This is what I'm telling you about Cruz.  He knows how to sound normal.  He isn't.

9:08PM: Carly seems to be advocating for a new Patriot Act because the old one was written in 2001 and we need to invade the privacy of all the phones and apps and stuff that have been invented since then.  She said we need to work with the private sector and she can because she knows them.  I'm pretty sure these other guys know them too.

9:10PM:  Chris Christie's American flag pin is shaped like New Jersey, which is just adorable.

9:11PM: Kasich says the Saudi's have a coalition of 34 countries that want to help us fight terrorists.  Can we stop the debate and find out if that's true?  That sounds like a good step and I feel like it's a lot more important that whatever Trump is about to say.

9:14PM: Cruz is making Rand's point about focusing on bad guys instead of having more surveillance of law abiding citizens.  I imagine Rand is raising his hand pretty energetically right now but CNN doesn't care.

9:15PM: Cruz and Rubio are having an argument about which one of them is telling the truth about the USA Freedom Act.  I believe Rubio.  As I may have mentioned, Cruz is a sociopath.

9:17PM: Rand is casually attacking Rubio, saying that Rubio is for open borders.  That was weird and seemed to come from out of nowhere.  Rand got another loud cheer.  The Rand people are in the house tonight.

9:19PM: Christie after a five minute argument between Rand and Marco "if your eyes are glazed over right now, this is what it's like on the floor of the Senate".  I couldn't tell you why Christie isn't doing better in this race.  Did MSBNC really land punches with that stupid bridge story?  That can't be it.

9:21PM: Ben just complained about how much time he's been allowed to talk.  That strategy literally never works.  Blitzer asked Ben who was right between Rand and Marco.  Ben, instead of, you know, taking a position on something, said "you'll have to ask them".  Ben is terrible at this.  How is he still here?

9:23PM: Blitzer asked Jeb a question that mentioned Jeb's brother.  Low blow Wolfie.

9:25PM: Carly says the government is too far behind the technological curve.  She's not wrong about that.

9:26PM: Question to Trump regarding his comment about "closing that internet up".  Trump wants to use our most brilliant people to keep ISIS off the internet and also penetrate the internet to find where ISIS is.  Does Trump think the internet is, like, a place you can go to?

9:29PM: I didn't listen to what Kasich just said because I was still trying to figure out what Trump was talking about.  Now I know why Kasich can't get any traction.

9:30PM: Cruz just called 15-30 bombing missions a day "photo op foreign policy".  How many bombs does Ted want to drop on Syria?  Syria isn't that big.  I think it's become fairly clear that we can't bomb our way out of this.  Also, when asked if he would bomb civilians in Syria, the gist of Cruz's answer was yes.  Sociopath.

9:32PM: Marco says you need a ground force to defeat ISIS.  He's not wrong.  He says you need a Sunni Arab ground force with some embedded Americans.  That's also probably right, but doesn't sound likely.

9:34PM: Blitzer seems to be trying to provoke fights between Rubio and everyone else.  If this was MSBNC, I'd say they were trying to make the only viable candidate look bad, but I don't think Wolf is that cagey.

9:35PM: Cruz says we need to be killing bad guys and not getting stuck in Middle Eastern civil wars. Be afraid.  Ted can do this.

9:36PM: Facebook question...apparently Trump recently said we should be killing families of ISIS members.  So, the Facebook guy was wondering, ya know, should we really be intentionally killing civilians?  Trump, amazingly, stood behind that idea and said it would make people think twice about joining ISIS.

9:39PM: Jeb says Trump can't insult his way to the Presidency.  Jeb is all over Trump right now. Trump said we will never be great again with Jeb's attitude and got booed for it.  These crowds never seem to have a lot of Trump people in them.  Who are the Trump people?

9:41PM: Breaking news from Ben, children don't like it when you tell them that you have to open their head up to remove a tumor.  Good note from Ben,

9:42PM: The other guy who isn't Wolf asked Ben if he's willing to be as ruthless in fighting ISIS as Churchill was in fighting the nazis.  Solid question.  Ben said he wouldn't say ruthless, but he would be tough.  Those aren't the same things though.  Ruthless is the right word.

9:44PM: Rand's people explode whenever mentions the Constitution.  He's like a band that has that one song everyone came to hear.  Meanwhile, more boos for Trump.

9:46PM: Kasich wants a massive, American-led army to defeat ISIS.  Kasich is a sneaky hawk.  You wouldn't expect it because he seems kind of laid back.

9:49PM: Christie is playing the "I'm not from Washington" card pretty hard.  It seems like that would work, but it doesn't work for Chris.  You would think maybe it's just because Trump is getting the anti-Washington votes for now, but I can't imagine the Trump people voting for Christie.  This race is a mess.  Also, Christie wants to be friends with the king of Jordan.

9:51PM: Watching Ben talk about foreign policy is like watching a 6th grader try to give a memorized book report.

9:56PM: Cruz seems to be co-opting all of Rand's ideas.  Now he's talking about how toppling dictators is a bad idea when the people who take over the country next are worse.  Rand has to be wondering why he's not doing better.  It can't be because Cruz is more likable.

9:58PM: Rubio's argument for toppling dictators is pretty coherent.  If a dictator is going to go anyway, why not get involved and try to help create a stable aftermath?  I'm not saying I agree, but I am saying Rubio seems to have a decent grasp on foreign policy.

10:00PM: Kasich mentioned the Saudi coalition again.  Does he have secret information that nobody else has?  I'm so intrigued.

10:00PM: Some guy was shouting at Trump from the audience.  Trump didn't take the bait.  I'm stunned.

10:01PM: Trump wishes we had the 4 or 5 trillion dollars we spent in Iraq back and that we had used it here on roads and stuff.  OK so this is one of those reasons why people like Trump.  He says stuff without thinking, but sometimes that means he says stuff without thinking about whether or not it fits with Republican dogma, and that lands with people.

10:03PM: Wolf asked Carson if the Middle East is better off with dictators.  That's kind of an unfair question and Ben sniffed it out and said dictators are bad but we can't just fix the Middle East with bombs.  Ben isn't a dumb guy.

10:05PM: Rand says "there's often variations of evil on both sides of a war".  That really is the foundation of Rand's foreign policy.  If we have no good choices, why bother choosing a side?

10:06PM: Cruz says all of these complicated questions are silly and we should just be defeating our enemies.  Ted doesn't realize that these questions about dictators are questions about who our real enemies are and if we should be taking sides in these fights.  Ted really shouldn't be President.

10:09PM: OK so we basically all agree that we have no good choices in the Middle East and the result of the Syrian civil war will be bad for us no matter how it turns out.  Can we just move on to something silly like the economy or guns or something?  This is depressing.

10:11PM: Quick kudos for Wolf here for not letting this debate be another episode of Trump and Friends.  On the other hand, we're really beating this foreign policy stuff to death.  Presidenting sometimes involves doing things in America too.

10:12PM: Would Christie shoot down a Russian plane in a no-fly zone?  Damn right he would!  Then he called the current President a feckless weakling.  Wolf seemed stunned.

10:13PM: Rand called Christie reckless and said "if you want World War 3 I think you've found your candidate".  I agree that Russia might not be cool with us shooting down their planes.  Then Rand mentioned that stupid bridge story.  Low blow Rand!  I'm giving Rand a time-out.

10:15PM: Jeb says he knows what he doesn't know and he wouldn't get his information from "the shows" (which is apparently something Trump said he does).  Get ready for some Trump insults!

10:16PM: Trump actually controlled himself and rather than attacking Jeb attacked CNN for asking Jeb about Trump, but then he said CNN just does it for ratings because he's still Trump.  Jeb didn't take the olive branch and punched back at Trump some more and then we got the insults I was waiting for about Jeb's poll numbers and his spot on the stage.

10:18PM: Kasich took the opportunity to jump in and be the voice of reason.  Then he mentioned the economy.  Yes! Please!  Something else!

10:19PM: Does being the head of surgery at a hospital qualify Carson to be the Commander in Chief?  The answer is no.  That's not what Ben said.  Ben said our country was designed to have citizen statesmen.  That's 100% true, but things are marginally more complicated now than they were in the 18th century.

10:20PM: We're going to talk about immigration now.  Ugh.  Part of Rubio's answer was "we will not be able to do anything on immigration...".  That's really all he needs to say.

10:22PM: Cruz and Rubio have basically the same haircut, but somehow they don't really look the same.  I think Ted's head is a little more oddly shaped.

10:24PM: Ted wants to secure the border.  Is anyone against securing the border?  I didn't think so.  Can we please move on?

10:25PM: Ted says he led the fight against Marco's immigration bill.  Yes, but Ted leads the fight against every bill ever because he's a legislative arsonist.

10:26PM: Every time two of these guys start fighting, Carly starts yelling about how this is why people don't like politics.  What did Carly think a debate was?  Sometimes people disagree.

10:27PM: People talk about Trump's hair a lot.  It really isn't so weird.  It's just kind of thin and an odd color.  It looks like cotton candy.

10:28PM: I feel like if you talked to Jeb in person, he'd be one of those people who really struggles to make eye contact.

10:29PM: Apparently Carson visited a Syrian refugee camp recently and called it "really quite nice".  He also said they need more medical care.  Seems like Ben could have just stayed there and we all would have won.

10:33PM: Rand says he hasn't taken a position on sending the 2,000 Syrian refugees already in the United States home.  Now would be a good time to take a position though.  We're having a debate.

10:35PM: Question from Facebook...if the bible says we need to embrace those in need, how can we justify not accepting refugees?  Christie's answer was basically, because the FBI says so.  We've come a long way in Republican politics when the FBI trumps the bible.

10:37PM: Wolf just said we are just beginning.  What?  This has already been going on for two hours.  I'm taking Wolf's words as a threat and quitting while I'm ahead.  These debates are too long.  We need to take Ben, Trump, Carly and Cruz and send them on a super secret mission somewhere until we can get this election settled.

Tough Talk

One quick thing before we start tonight's festivities.  I heard that Jeb Bush recently said he would kill baby Hitler.  I really can't think of a better example of everything that's wrong with our political process and the people we have to choose from to pick a President.

Here's this guy, Jeb.  He's trying to get us to elect him to a very complicated job with lots of difficult decisions.  When faced with the prospect of an infant who is eventually going to grow up to kill millions of people, his first reaction is "Well, I had better get busy murdering that infant!".  Given all the possible courses of action in that situation, Jeb immediately selected the least rational, most violent decision possible.  Not even a thought like "Hey, I bet if we start now we could make sure that baby grows up to live a productive life instead of becoming Hitler" or "Hey, we have like 40 years to make sure Germany doesn't devolve into the kind of place that produces Hitler".  Nope, just right to "Somebody fetch me my baby stabbing knife!".

This is such a perfect example of the way we've conditioned Presidential candidates to behave.  All tough talk and soundbites, no actual thoughts.  I understand regular people joke about using a time machine to kill Hitler all the time, but this guy is running for President.  I wish he had taken the opportunity to show us that he understands world history at a higher-than-3rd-grade level.  The only thing that surprises me is that he hasn't shot up in the polls.  Republicans really have given up on Jeb.

Tonight's debate is being hosted by Fox Business Network.  The existence of Fox Business Network has always troubled me a little.  I get the conservative argument for Fox News.  The media is liberal, it needs a conservative counterbalance.  OK.  But CNBC isn't exactly anti-business.  CNBC has roughly the same relationship with big business that ESPN has with the NFL.  They may try to be tough when they think nobody is looking, or when they feel like they have to, but for the most part, ESPN needs the NFL to exist, and CNBC needs big business.  So what does the conservative counterbalance to a network that's already mostly in the tank for big business look like?  Honestly, I've never bothered to find out, but maybe I'll get a little taste of it tonight.

9:00PM: The FBN intro just referred to Wisconsin as "the cradle of American industry".  That doesn't sound right.  Something about cheese seems closer to the mark.

9:02PM: Tonight's moderators are Neil Cavuto, Maria Bartiromo and Jean-Luc Picard.  Neil is like a less charismatic Sean Hannity.  I know that doesn't sound possible, but it is.

9:05PM: At the end of his explanation of the purpose of tonight's debate Neil paused for applause that never came.  Classic.

9:06PM: Neil asked Trump if he's sympathetic to the people who want to raise the minimum wage to $15/hr.  Trump said "I can't be".  Not even a no, he physically can't be.  Trump appears to believe that wages in America are too high.

9:08PM: Carson also opposed a higher minimum wage because he thinks it'll make jobs go away.  A job that doesn't pay you enough to feed yourself seems like it isn't really worth saving, but whatever.

9:10PM: Rubio correctly pointed out that every country has rich people but the middle class is what makes America great.  He neglected to mention how his buddy Reagan destroyed the middle class, I'm sure he'll get to it later.  He added "we need more welders and less philosophers".  Everyone knows Republicans hate thinking.

9:12PM: Kasich started out by sort of sounding a little bit like he doesn't hate the idea of raising the minimum wage.  He sort of circled back to it at the end by saying that just looking the other way (away from people at the bottom) isn't acceptable.  You can see why I don't hate this guy, right?  I would gladly vote for Kasich over Hillary Clinton.  I would also gladly vote for a cheese sandwich over Hillary Clinton, so I guess that doesn't really say much about John.

9:16PM: Why is Ted Cruz still here?  Honestly.  Have you noticed that Congressional Republicans keep endorsing Rubio?  You know why?  Because the only people who hate Cruz more than Democrats are Congressional Republicans.  He's not a serious person.  He's a crazy idiot.  He's currently talking about locusts and Calvin Coolidge.  And he still looks like a muppet.

9:19PM: Jeb is for repealing every rule that Barack Obama ever made.  Yeah!  That's how Presidencies work!  When you replace a guy, just repeal all of his bullshit and start from scratch.  Luckily, even Jeb isn't voting for Jeb at this point.

9:21PM: Picard asked Carly how she'll respond when people point out that the last two Democratic Presidents added lots of jobs while the last Republican President really didn't do much of that.  Carly responded with talking points about how politicians are bad, and also her plan for a three page tax code.  Carly goes in the not a serious person category.  Sorry Carly, I don't like making you hang out with Ted, but you did this to yourself.

9:24PM: Rand says we should look for root causes for income inequality.  His suggested root cause appears to be Democrats.  And also the Fed.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, Rand's ability to talk about the Fed for a solid minute doesn't make him his dad.

9:29PM: Cavuto was happy to affirm Ben's assertion that nobody ever scrutinized Barack Obama when he ran for President, because Fox.  Ben says he's an honest person.  I think that's probably true, but I'm still not voting for him.

9:32PM: Trump criticized Barack Obama for using executive orders.  Yeah!  How dare he do things he's empowered to do!  Jerk!

9:33PM: Trump says walls work, just ask Israel.  Glad to hear that Trump's vision for a perfect U.S./Mexico border is based on the relationship between Israel and Palestine.  That sounds fun for Texas.

9:34PM: Kasich just called the argument about sending illegal immigrants home "silly" and "not an adult argument".  He actually got solid applause for that.  The Wisconsin crowd seems a little iffy about Trump.

9:35PM: Kasich is running the table right now.  He's going to talk whenever he feels like it and you can't stop him.  And Trump gets more boos than cheers every time he attacks Kasich.  This is a fun group.

9:37PM: Jeb is also for not deporting 11 million people.  You can see Jeb and Kasich trying to position themselves as the adults on the stage.  Trump remains quite happy to play the petulant 9 year old.

9:38PM: I can't blame Rubio for staying out of the immigration conversation.  One immigration bill almost destroyed his whole career.

9:39PM: Rubes keeps saying we have an outdated higher education system.  Hey!  I have feelings you know!

9:40PM: Cruz is for raising the retirement age as younger workers get to retirement age.  Where's Huckleberry to cry about this?  Was he in the JV debate?  Poor Huck.

9:41PM: Cruz thinks Democrats would care more about border security if lawyers and bankers were crossing the border illegally.  Following Ted's train of thought is like trying to follow...trying to follow...I really can't think of anything more erratic than Ted Cruz.

9:43PM: Carly turns every answer into an argument for her three page tax code.  She also thinks we need to try the free market...THE FREE MARKET, she said angrily for some reason, for health care.  We did try that, for like a really long time.  It didn't work.  That's how we got into this mess.

9:46PM: Carly just mentioned Scott Walker, which reminded me how funny it is that Scott didn't even make it to the Wisconsin debate.

9:46PM: Carly openly acknowledged that there are a lot of good things about Obamacare, but she still wants to repeal it because Obama.

9:51PM: Cavuto asked Carson whose tax plan God would endorse.  That's obviously a perfectly reasonable question.  Tell me again about how it's the liberal media who asks unfair gotcha questions.

9:53PM: Ben says people at the poverty line will get a rebate under his tax plan.  Great plan for poor people, just make them wait until April to get some money, I'm sure they'll find food somewhere until then.

9:54PM: Rand says he has three different plans to balance the budget.  Does that mean that if we elect him we get to pick one?  That sounds fun.  Put Rand back in the maybe column.

9:56PM: Ted appears to have adopted Huckleberry's 10% flat tax plan.  Like most of these guys, Ted's tax cutting plan includes balancing the budget with magic.

9:58PM: Ted hates the Department of Commerce so much he'd eliminate it twice.

9:59PM: As I watch Jeb try to keep going now that he's just another guy on the stage, it occurs to me that Jeb doesn't really need this shit.  I don't know how much money the Bush family has, but I would guess that it's somewhere around a lot.  Jeb could easily walk away and spend his retirement sailing and time traveling to kill toddlers.  If I were Jeb, I probably would have walked away a month ago and told Republicans that they can have Trump if they want him.

10:02PM: Rubio says no one is born with strong values.  I think that's a really interesting argument.  I've known great people raised by terrible parents, but I also get what he's saying about values being learned.  I think this would be a fun chat for Marco and I to have.

10:04PM: Marco just called Rand a committed isolationist.  Rand says you can't be a conservative but be liberal on military spending.  Marco and Rand are actually having an substantive exchange.  The moderators look nervous.  Quick, somebody ask Trump a question!

10:06PM: Cruz said he wanted to offer a middle ground, which appears to be talking like a conservative while still spending on the military like a drunken sailor.

10:07PM: Carly really wants zero base budgeting.  I think somebody just told her to go out there and say business stuff so people will remember that she was a CEO.  She also still can't answer a question without mentioning her three page tax code.

10:08PM: Trump says we need to make our military bigger and better than ever before so nobody messes with us.  Trump wants to treat the world the same way the mafia treats local business owners.

10:10PM: Republicans really hate things that have a lot of pages.

10:11PM: Trump really doesn't like China.  To Trump, China is the Mexico of Asia.

10:12PM: All of Trump's China nonsense was about the TPP, which Rand pointed out does not include China.  They appeared to be trying to play Rand off to commercial while he was making his point.

10:18PM: Just got some great insight into Carson's nuanced understanding of foreign policy.  He seems to believe that, in general, putting American troops somewhere is better than not doing that.  He also thinks we need to make jihadists look like losers.  Somebody is running to be Trump's Secretary of State.

10:20PM: Maria just showed us a word cloud of issues people on Facebook want to talk about.  Obviously, we're ignoring the giant "Campaign Finance" in the middle of the cloud.

10:22PM: Trump says the Iran deal is "one of the worst contracts ever signed ever in anything".  Can you imagine how stressful it would be to just live around Donald Trump on a daily basis?

10:24PM: Trump says we can't continue to be the policemen of the world.  Trump just made a coherent point.  My brain hurts.  Jeb couldn't wait to disagree.

10:25PM: Trump says Assad is a bad guy, but we have no idea who the rebels in Syria are and we shouldn't be so quick to arm them.  Yet another coherent point.  What's happening right now???

10:26PM: I'm on the edge of my seat waiting to hear how Carly can relate Syria to her three page tax plan.  Carly's plan for Putin appears to be to annoy him by doing military stuff in countries near Russia.  She would do that while going on Russian TV and saying "I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you".

10:29PM: Trump on Carly "why does she keep interrupting everybody?".  There's the Trump I know.  I feel better now.

10:30PM: Rand is strongly in favor of not arming ISIS.  Yes, maybe don't give weapons to random people in the Middle East.  I know it sounds crazy, but couldn't we try it?

10:31PM: Rubio is noticeably better at debating than the rest of these people.  It's not that he's making better points, but he's better at saying stuff.  He finished this point about ISIS by saying "either they win or we win".  That's a pretty simplistic way of looking at things, but it's also a great soundbite.

10:33PM: Kasich, on the other hand, generally says better things than everyone else, but there's something off about his style.  Kasich just went for about three straight minutes, and most of what he said made sense.  I predict the Fox people will not mention his name in the post-debate discussion.

10:40PM: Jeb says he was recently in Washington, Iowa talking about how bad Washington D.C. is.  Jeb loves word play.

10:41PM: Jeb is desperately trying to talk about Hillary Clinton as if he's still the front-runner.  It's kind of sad.

10:42PM: These guys are talking about how they don't like the big banks, and how they're too big.  It's like I've stumbled into some kind of bizarro Republican debate.  Obviously, none of these guys would actually break up any banks, but all of them would love to travel back in time to make policies that would stop them from getting big.  For guys who don't like science, Republicans seem to really be relying on somebody inventing time travel.

10:43PM: Carson appears to be attributing the economic success of early America to the lack of regulation.  Well, that and slave labor.  He left that second thing out.

10:45PM: Kasich says Wall St. has too much greed.  He knows he's a Republican, right?

10:47PM: Cruz says he wouldn't bail out the big banks again (more time travel based policies) and he would prosecute criminals on Wall St.  He said yes to that question, but then he just mostly talked about Washington D.C. again so I suspect when asked about it in the future he'll say he was talking about criminals in Washington.

10:50PM: Cruz also wants to go back to the gold standard.  Did I mention that he's not a serious person?  Sidenote, Trump would love the gold standard.  Everything he owns is gold-plated, including his head.

10:52PM: Kasich just got booed because Cruz tricked him into saying he wouldn't let banks fail if it meant letting working people who put their money in the failing bank lose all their money.  I think the crowd is getting a little punchy.

10:53PM: Carly doesn't understand what socialism is, but she knows she doesn't like it.

10:58PM: Maria got booed for calling Hillary Clinton's resume impressive.  She was asking Rubio how he would run against someone with that kind of experience.  Rubio, instead of taking some cheap shot, talked about how this election is about the future.  I told you, he's good at debating.

Listen, it's 11PM and, as you may remember, I've developed a very strict not putting up with more than two hours of this shit policy, so I'm done.  I'm sure the closing statements will be quite riveting.

Kasich/Rubio 2016!

They had another JV debate today, and I definitely didn't watch it.  Listen, if you're in the JV debate the first time, that's not necessarily your fault.  This is round three though.  If you're still at the kiddie table now, you might want to take the hint.  You are not going to be President Rick Santorum.  I'm sorry man.  You too Lindsay Graham.  You seem like a nice guy, but this is where you get off the train.  I'd like to be President, but none of us are going to be and we just need to move on.

7:55PM: During the pre-debate coverage, CNBC announced that Linsday Graham won the JV debate.  That's just sad.  I feel sad for him.

7:56PM: Some CNBC guy spent a couple of minutes fact-checking the claims the JV guys made about how they've cut spending/taxes/government in the past.  Spoiler alert, they were all lying.  Hey other networks...this is a thing you can do.  You should look into it.

7:58PM: Apparently Lindsay Graham is at least a foot shorter than the other three JV guys.

8:03PM: CNBC's pre-debate round-table was a catastrophe.  They constantly talked over each other.  I don't think I ever heard one person just make a point and finish a sentence without someone else interrupting.  It was like a meeting at a nursery school.

8:10PM: If you say the debate starts at 8, you need to start the debate at 8.  I'm already tired and have a headache.  I think the biggest issue with this pre-debate panel is the lack of a moderator.  I think one guy is supposed to be moderating but he's decided he doesn't care.

8:15PM: CNBC's slogan for election coverage appears to be Your Money, Your Vote.  In some ways, that really couldn't sum up our electoral process better.

8:16PM: Did you know weed is legal in Colorado now?  CNBC does, and they won't shut the fuck up about it.

8:17PM: I don't recognize any of the three moderators I'm looking at, but one of them appears to be named John Hardwood.  I assume CNBC poached him from a lucrative career in porn.  Full disclosure, I don't watch a lot of CNBC.

8:19PM: The moderator who reminds me a little of Lou Diamond Phillips started out by asking the candidates what their weaknesses are.  Kasich came out swinging by pointing out how ridiculous many of the policy proposals of his opponents are.

8:20PM: Five candidates in and nobody has a weakness.  Ben was number six, and his attempt at a weakness was "I never saw myself as President until hundreds of thousands of people told me I needed to do it".  I wish I could disconnect my ears from my brain.

8:23PM: Still no weaknesses.  Man, these guys are all so awesome!  Can they all be President??

8:24PM: Porn star just asked Trump if his campaign is a comic book version of a Presidential campaign.  Zing! Trump's answer included "I love the Mexican people...".  President Trump would make a really good movie, right?

8:27PM: These CNBC people seem to actually understand how economics works.  Run Republicans!  It's a trap!

8:30PM: When you listen to Kasich talk, it's hard to believe that even Republican primary voters would refuse to vote for him just because he might not be mean enough to gay people.

8:31PM: Trump says all of Kasich's success in Ohio was due to fracking and that he was personally responsible for Lehman Bros.  Then he made fun of Kasich for being on the end of the stage.  I still think it's possible that Trump is just doing an impression of himself.

8:34PM: Carly says the tax code has too many pages in it.  Republicans complain about this a lot.  This is a big and complicated country, some of the laws we need to run it might get a little complicated.  Carly says the tax code should only be three pages because that's the longest it could be for a business owner to understand it.  I feel like business owners should be a little insulted.

8:37PM: Rubio says he's running for President now because he can't wait and we can't afford another four years like the last eight years.  That's basically the same argument Barack Obama used.  It worked well for Barack and I think it might work for Rubio too.  Rubes has his serious face on tonight.

8:39PM: Bush says Rubio signed up for a six year Senate term and he should do his job.  Rubio says Jeb didn't complain when John McCain missed votes in the Senate to run for President, and the only reason Jeb is attacking him is because they're running for the same position and someone told Jeb he would benefit from attacking Rubio.  Seriously, Marco isn't screwing around tonight.

8:41PM: Jeb was talking for a while so I went to see if it was still raining outside.  It is, pretty hard too.

8:42PM: Question to Carly...why should we hire her since HP fired her?  She says other tech companies did worse than HP did when she was CEO.  That's true, but a pretty low bar for a Presidential candidate.

8:45PM: Cruz answered a question about the current budget deal by attacking the moderators and saying how unfair all the questions have been.  Lou Diamond Phillips openly mocked him halfway through and then when Cruz was finished said "I just want the record to reflect that I asked you about the debt limit".  Cruz then begged for the chance to actually give an answer and Hardwood said no.  I like CNBC.

8:48PM: Rand, who I usually don't hate, is openly advocating for using the debt limit to force other people to do what he wants.  He's literally making an affirmative argument for political brinkmanship.  It's kind of unbelievable.

8:50PM: Christie is pretty smart.  He's using every question to compare his positions to Hillary Clinton's instead of just arguing with these other fools.  I don't know if it'll work for Chris, but it certainly seems like a good plan.

8:52PM: Huck thinks Christie's plan to make some necessary cuts to entitlements before they go bankrupt is punishing people who receive social security, because Huck is basically a giant child.

8:54PM: Cruz wants to privatize social security.  That's not what he said, but that's what he means.

9:00PM: Trump is rambling about Atlantic City and bankruptcy, finishing with "I used the laws of the country to my benefit".  That's the kind of "fuck you" attitude we need in the White House!

9:01PM: Jim Cramer is suddenly here and I'm already pretty exasperated.  He yelled a question about drug company price gouging at Ben Carson.  Ben somehow blamed too much regulation.

9:03PM: Cramer asked Chris if he thinks GM executives should go to jail because of the whole faulty ignition switch thing.  I don't know, I had one of those, I turned out OK.

9:06PM: Carly likes to ask herself questions and then answer them.  I don't like that.

9:08PM: Carly is much better than these other guys at ignoring the moderators when they try to tell her that her time is up.

9:10PM: Rubio is successfully playing the "I didn't come from money" card.  He's really starting to smell like a nominee to me.

9:12PM: OK that's it.  I'm declaring this nomination process over.  The Republican ticket will be some combination of Kasich and Rubio.  I have spoken.

9:13PM: Five seconds after I typed that Kasich proposed a constitutional amendment to require a balanced budget.  Unless he also has a time machine to take him back to the 19th century, that's a terrible idea.  Let's all just pretend we didn't hear it.

9:14PM: Cruz loves single moms.  He'd better because we'll have a lot more of them after Ted shuts down Planned Parenthood.

9:15PM: Everything Carly says sounds vaguely angry.  If I knew her in real life I would always think she was mad at me.

9:16PM: Ben says you can be perfectly fair to the gay community while also definitely not allowing them to get married.  Apparently they don't teach you the meaning of "fair" in medical school.

9:17PM: Ben says he had "no relationship" with a company that he "gave a couple of speeches for".  Ummm, again, Ben seems to struggle with the definitions of words.

9:24PM: Rubio is in favor of more vocational training for Americans so they can do the high paying tech jobs that currently go to immigrants on H1 visas.  That's not a terrible idea.

9:26PM: Trump takes his turn complaining about the questions.  Then Rubio complained about the main stream media.  That's annoying but good Republican politics so I can't really blame him.

9:27PM: Rick Santelli just asked a very animated question.  Can somebody settle him down a little bit?  This is a debate, not a wrap party for a high school play.

9:29PM: I think I'm ready to officially give up on Rand.  Just because you can talk for a full minute about the Fed doesn't make you your dad.

9:30PM: Seriously, Santelli sounds like he's doing an infomercial for debate questions.  I have no idea what's going on or why he's here.

9:31PM: Ben doesn't know much, but he knows he hates regulations.  Again though, we have clear evidence that Ben may not know what words mean, so who knows what he's trying to say at this point.

9:32PM: Huck likes analogies and balloons.  I think he may be two six-year-olds in a man suit.

9:33PM: Huck says the economy would do better if we just cured diabetes, Alzheimer's, cancer and heart disease.  Yeah!  Why hasn't anyone else thought of curing those diseases?  Stupid politicians, just give us the diabetes cure already!

9:37PM: Rand wants to know the rules on who gets to follow-up.  He probably should have cleared that up before they went on TV.

9:38PM: Some of the other guys are taking Carly's lead on ignoring the moderators.  Hardwood and Lou Diamond Phillips have lost all control.  The lady in the middle, who I've learned is named Becky, seems to still have a little bit of a handle on it.

9:40PM: Kasich seems to be a big states' rights guy.  This always makes me nervous.  Why not just come up with one good idea instead of giving people 50 different opportunities to do something stupid.

9:44PM: Becky went to Trump's website to prove that he was lying in an earlier answer.  Again, other networks, you have the internet too, you can do things like this.

9:45PM: I'm just picturing these guys trying to negotiate a settlement between Israel and Palestine and constantly complaining about the rules of the negotiation, or crying to Putin about Robert's rules of order.

9:48PM: Hardwood asked Huck if he thinks Trump has the moral authority to bring the country together.  That got a boo from the crowd and I have to say, I agree with them this time.  Stupid question Hardwood, go back to porn.

9:50PM: CNBC has a lot of random guest question askers.  How is three not enough moderators?  Coop basically handled the whole CNN debate on his own.  I like these CNBC people, but why are there 6 of them?

9:54PM: Kasich is advocating for having college students do public service to help pay for college.  This is an interesting idea and an important issue.  Lou Diamond Phillips followed up with a question to Jeb about daily fantasy sports.  I think CNBC should quit while they're ahead.

9:56PM: Christie expressed an appropriate amount of anger over the fantasy football question.  I do like Christie sometimes.  Now he's talking about how climate change is a real thing and mocking Hardwood at the same time.  There are absolutely times when I would vote for Christie.

9:58PM: I have to say, I'm watching Christie talk and realizing that Trump has mostly faded into the background of this debate.  I think we might be at the point we've all been waiting for when Trump turns into a pumpkin.  My sense is he won't go quietly.

9:59PM: I think Rand Paul almost just said fuck.  I really think that just almost happened.

10:03PM: Huck wanted to take another chance to say we should cure diseases.  Can we just stipulate that we all would like to cure diseases?

10:05PM: Trump's economic plan is to "make a really dynamic economy".  He's like a puppet who's ventriloquist has wandered off.  It's just all nonsense now.

10:08PM: I have to stop listening to Ben because he doesn't know what words mean and it makes everything really confusing and a little frustrating.  He was also genuinely funny, even clever, in earlier debates.  He's not doing that tonight.

10:11PM: Marco is pro-mom.  Not all moms, just his mom.

10:12PM: Carly wants to use zero based budgeting for the government.  Way to end the debate.  People need to go to sleep now.

Closing Statements
-Rand likes small government.  Try to hide your surprise.
-Chris hates Washington and loves meatball sandwiches.
-Ted says he stands up against Washington.  He mentioned a lot of things he failed at.
-Carly moves her head a lot when she talks.  She says she will beat Hillary Clinton, possibly with her bare hands.
-Ben thanked the audience for paying attention, and didn't seem to know what to do with his hands.
-Trump says we're losers but he'll make us winners again.
-Rubio says he owes a debt to America he can never repay.
-Jeb says America is at a crossroads.  He then sang that Bone Thugs N Harmony song from beginning to end.  It was hauntingly beautiful.
-Huck said some words.  I've completely given up on Huck.
-Kasich says America is great from the bottom up.

I think Marco and Christie did really well.  Kasich was solid too, but I always think that and nobody ever agrees.  See you next time.

Political Nonsense

I think I need to clarify my concerns about Bernie Sanders a little before we start the first Democratic debate.  I don't actually care what Bernie thinks about guns.  As far as I can tell, there's no gun control law weak enough that Congress would even think about considering passing it, so what the next President thinks about guns would seem to be inconsequential.  We're stuck with guns.  Yay America!

My concern is that Bernie's position on guns is so off-brand for him.  Bernie isn't a talking points machine like Hillary Clinton or Jeb Bush, and that's part of his appeal.  He says real stuff.  You might not agree with all of it, but when Chuck Todd asks someone if they're a capitalist and they say no, it's a pretty good bet they're telling the truth and saying something they mean, because why would anyone running for President lie about that.  So, when Bernie talks about guns and I hear the same rambling political nonsense that I hear from everyone else, it feels really suspicious to me.  Why is he such a generic politician on this one issue?  Just because people like to hunt in Vermont?  I don't buy it.

I had a similar experience listening to Donald Trump a couple of weeks ago.  Trump, like Bernie, draws a lot of his appeal from not sounding like a generic politician.  But when Trump announced his economic plan, it was basically the same economic plan Republicans have been shopping for 35 years.  The magic power of tax cuts, paid for by eliminating loopholes. 

Politicians talk about loopholes as though they're some naturally occurring phenomenon.  As if we got to Washington D.C. in the 18th century and we were like "Hey, this looks like a great capitol, but these wild tax code loopholes are growing everywhere.  We can't get rid of them, so we'll just have to incorporate them into our government."  Tax code loopholes have been very intentionally created and the people who created them aren't just going to give them up because we ask nicely.

I expect to hear plenty of political nonsense tonight.  Hillary Clinton has a microphone and she is a category 5 hurricane of talking points.  I'll be interested to see what Bernie does and, as far as the rest of them go, maybe Lincoln Chafee will talk about the metric system again.  Let's get started.

8:31PM - In case you missed it, CNN saved a podium for Joe Biden in case he decided to show up at the last minute.  It's like the Democratic version of Passover.

8:32PM - Tonight's debate is being moderated by Anderson Cooper.  I have no feelings about that.  I don't like it, I don't not like it.  Anderson Cooper.

8:35PM - I tuned in at 8:30 because CNN said the debate started at 8:30.  Now it's 8:35 and I'm watching a commercial about South Africa.  CNN can't even show up on time for its own debate.

8:36PM - CNN just ran a graphic suggesting that this debate will be in keeping with great debate traditions like Lincoln/Douglas.  Settle down CNN.

8:40PM - They're seriously having someone sing the national anthem before the debate.  I need to know if the candidates had the opportunity to veto this idea because if they did, I'm already not voting for any of them.

8:41PM - Also, the person they got to sing the anthem was Sheryl Crow.  That's neither a joke nor a typo.  I have so many questions.  Where did they find Sheryl Crow?  Did they ask other people first?  Doesn't starting the debate with someone from 1994 prove that CNN is in the bag for Hillary?

8:46PM - Cooper started by asking each candidate to do their best Obama impression.  They were all incredibly racist.

8:47PM - Maybe it's just my TV, but Don Lemon appears to be wearing a beach towel cut into the shape of a suit.

8:48PM - Lincoln Chafee's resting facial expression is "goofy smile".  He looks like Shaggy from Scooby Doo.  I don't like his chances, is what I'm saying.

8:50PM - Hey, Jim Webb is here.  Jim was a marine in Vietnam.  I swear if this wasn't Jim's first public appearance since he announced his candidacy he'd be doing great.

8:52PM - Martin O'Malley started by touting his 15 years of executive experience.  OK but that was in Maryland, where the only real city was still on fire last time I heard.  The most brutally realistic drug/crime drama I've ever seen was set in Baltimore and everyone watched it and was like "yeah, seems about right."  I'm not sure this resume bullet is as impressive as Martin thinks it is.

8:54PM - After a few Republican debates it was jarring to hear someone say "thanks to President Obama" non-sarcastically.

8:56PM - Bernie Sanders is pro habitable planet.  It's sad that there's a whole political party that isn't.

8:56PM - When Bernie says he wants to take back our government, he actually tells you who has it.  That's a helpful tip.

8:58PM - Somebody told Hillary Clinton that people don't like it when she sounds angry.  She's going for the Lincoln Chafee permanent goofy smile, but she can't pull it off.

9:01PM - Coop asked Hillary if she'll say anything to get elected.  She gave a long answer, but the short answer is yes.

9:03PM - Bernie says he's going to win because he'll explain to people what a Democratic Socialist is.  I'm not sure Bernie understands how elections work.  Cable news won't stand for just calmly explaining where you stand on issues Bernie.

9:05PM - Coop pushed Bernie on whether or not he considers himself a capitalist.  Bernie said he's not part of the casino capitalism we have now.  I'm disappointed to hear Bernie hedging a little.

9:07PM - Cooper to Chafee "You've been everything but a socialist".  Chafee started saying he's been a block of granite on the issues.  Cooper interrupted saying "it seems like pretty soft granite".  Will Coop be heckling the candidates all night?

9:08PM - Coop made essentially the same point about Baltimore that I just did, without the Wire reference.

9:10PM - O'Malley's defense of his Baltimore record was genuinely interesting.  It made me want to learn more about Martin O'Malley and also crab cakes.

9:11PM - Webb says he's always supported affirmative action for African-Americans because of their unique history, but then he seemed to also be making the argument for affirmative action for white people from the Appalachians if they're poor.  Those two arguments don't really seem to go together.  I don't think white people in Appalachia were ever held as slaves.  To be fair, I'm not up on my Appalachian history.

9:14PM - Sanders just referred to himself in the third person while trying to somehow explain his position on guns.  I heard nothing to assuage my concerns.

9:15PM - Clinton hammered Bernie on guns.  His response was essentially "I'm from a rural state, so you don't understand things about guns New York lady".  Still not buying it.

9:16PM - O'Malley just said he passed gun legislation "not by looking at pollings or looking at what the polls say".  Sounds like Marty skipped debate prep.  Also, Marty has a habit of pointing out people in the audience and telling stories about everyday Americans.  You know how much I hate that.  Having said all that, Marty was really strong with his guns answer.

9:18PM - Bernie made another argument about rural Americans.  Marty went back at Bernie saying "it's not about rural".  I'm officially putting Marty in the maybe column.

9:20PM - Webb says average Americans deserve the right to protect their families...by getting into shoot-outs with criminals one assumes.

9:22PM - Chafee says we need to bring the gun lobby in to find common ground.  Good luck with that Shaggy.

9:23PM - Seriously, it's so weird hearing people say good things about President Obama in a debate.

9:23PM - Bernie just referred to Syria as a quagmire in a quagmire.  That pretty much sums it up.

9:24PM - Bernie says Iraq was the worst foreign policy move in the history of this country (I may be paraphrasing, but I also may not be).  He added..."some people voted for Iraq...cough cough...Hillary...cough cough".

9:24PM - Shaggy is also hammering Hillary on the Iraq vote.  To be fair, Lincoln was a Republican in 2003 so it was a crazy time for everyone.

9:26PM - Clinton..."President Obama made me his Secretary of State after he beat me in a primary because of my Iraq vote...are any of you looking for a Secretary of State?"

9:27PM - Bernie says a no fly zone in Syria is a dangerous idea.  He's probably right about that, but really, everything we do or don't do about Syria at this point is a pretty dangerous idea.  It's like waking up in the morning and finding that someone has filled your apartment with poisonous snakes.  There's really no good move at that point.

9:29PM - I'm no Hillary fan, but man, all of these guys were so right about Iraq in 2003.  Too bad none of them were able to do anything about it.  These guys need to take it down a notch or two.  There are five people on the stage, none of them were able to come anywhere close to stopping us from going into Iraq.

9:32PM - Webb is openly arguing with Cooper about the debate rules.  He also says that the biggest foreign policy focus in his administration would be China, and they don't own the South China Sea.  Sadly, I don't own the South China Sea either.  Webb sounds a little Trumpy to me sometimes.

9:33PM - I'm pretty sure Coop just caught Bernie not paying attention to the foreign policy discussion.  Focus up, Bernie!  People who don't like Hillary are counting on you!

9:36PM - Webb's a marine and I'm concerned that Coop might disappear during the first break.

9:37PM - Webb says you can't get to the Tripoli airport today.  Jim has a habit of wandering off the point, maybe this is why he doesn't do a lot of TV.

9:38PM - This whole thing about Sanders being a conscientious objector during Vietnam seems like a stupid question.  Wouldn't a President who isn't inclined to go running into war be a good thing?

9:40PM - Can we have a mid-debate elimination of Lincoln?  He's just getting in the way at this point.

9:41PM - Bernie says our greatest national security concern is climate change.  I'm not saying he's wrong, but I am saying that I'm becoming increasingly concerned that Bernie would get slaugthered in a general election. 

9:49PM - Bernie backs Hillary up on the email issue, saying that the American people are tired of hearing about Hillary's emails.  This whole exchange ended with Hillary thanking Bernie and doing her whole maniacal laugh thing.  For the record, I still think it's a real issue.

9:50PM - Shaggy thinks it's a real issue too.  Cooper asked Hillary if she wanted to respond to Shaggy, she said no.  We've all dismissed Lincoln at this point.

9:51PM - Coop wanted to talk about issues of race, so he went to Don Lemon for the first time.  CNN!

9:52PM - Do black lives matter or do all lives matter?  I saw Eric Bolling suggest that question on The Five today.  Good job CNN.  We all hate you.

9:53PM - Marty says if we were burying poor white kids in the same numbers that we're burying poor black kids, we'd have a very different response in this country.  Obvious point, but still true.  Marty is really growing on me.  I wish news people would have stopped talking about Trump for five minutes and introduced me to Marty before now.

9:54PM - Webb can't stop himself from complaining about the amount of time he's getting.

9:56PM - Bernie says we need to create millions of jobs by rebuilding infrastructure, raising the minimum wage to $15, creating pay equity for women and making college free.  I don't object to any of those things.

9:57PM - Hillary wants every American to have the opportunities her and Bill did.  That's sounds a little unrealistic.

9:58PM - Put Marty down for reinstating Glass-Steagall.  Put Hillary down for not doing that.  She says she's for letting regulators break up big banks if we think they pose a risk.  I think they pose a risk.  Is that good enough?

10:01PM - Hillary says she told Wall Street to "cut it out" in 2007.  How'd that go?

10:03PM - Marty is hammering Hillary on not supporting Glass-Steagall.

10:04PM - Hillary..."I didn't take a position on Keystone until I took a position on Keystone".  Yikes.  Then she said her and Barack Obama crashed a meeting with the Chinese in 2009.  That sounds like the worst Hangover movie ever.

10:06PM - These people love telling stories about things they said that nobody listened to.

10:07PM - Cooper to Webb..."you agreed to these rules and you're wasting time".  I'd like to watch a sitcom in which Cooper and Webb have to live together in a studio apartment.

10:07PM - Chafee's answer to why he voted to get rid of Glass-Steagall was that he had just arrived in the Senate and his dad had just died.  It's like he's trying to lose.

10:09PM - While Lincoln was talking I was just thinking about how often I'll imagine a Martin O'Malley/John Kasich election while I'm listening to Hillary Clinton and Marco Rubio argue about nonsense next Fall.

10:10PM - Dana Bash asked Bernie if he'd want free college for wealthy kids.  That feels like a stupid and unnecessarily divisive question, and Bernie answered it just fine.

10:11PM - Clinton..."I fully support social security", she added "I mean, that's what those pollsters over there told me I think".

10:12PM - Bernie supports social security too, but he's a socialist so that's not really a surprise.

10:13PM - CNN brought in an Hispanic guy to ask about immigration reform.  Seriously CNN, we all hate you.

10:15PM - Does Hillary Clinton want to open up Obamacare to undocumented immigrants and their children?  She talked for a minute and I'm not really sure.  I guess "sort of" was her answer.  That seems to be her position on a lot of things.

10:16PM - Same question to Jim Webb.  His answer after a pretty long pause..."I wouldn't have a problem with that".  I'm going to put Jim down for a "no, but I still think I can win so I don't really want to say that right now".

10:20PM - Talking about the Patriot Act now.  Lincoln's excuse for voting for bad bills seems to be "lots of other people did it too so leave me alone".

10:23PM - O'Malley on Edward Snowden..."whistle blowers don't run to Russia and seek protection from Putin".  That's basically what Hillary was saying, but she spent a minute not really saying it and Marty said it clearly in about 8 seconds.  Somebody get me every available piece of information about Martin O'Malley.

10:25PM - Chafee would change our approach to the middle east by not bombing hospitals and weddings anymore.  I think we all agree on that.  I'm fairly certain Barack Obama isn't aiming for hospitals.

10:25PM - Clinton on how she'd be different from President Obama...she has lady parts.  Coop immediately quipped "Is there a policy difference?".  One point for Coop.

10:26PM - Bernie said we need a revolution.  Webb responded by saying he has respect for Bernie, but he doesn't think a revolution is coming and he doesn't think Congress will pay for a lot of the things Bernie wants to do.  Solid points from Jim.

10:35PM - Hillary says she's not asking people to vote for her based on her last name.  True, that's really more of an implicit argument than an overt thing she's asking for.

10:36PM - Bernie pointed out his lack of a Super PAC.  Bernie pronounces Super PAC the same way your grandma pronounces Facebook.  Not exactly wrong, but not exactly right either.

10:37PM - Marty wants a 100% clean energy grid by 2050.  That seems like a long time from now.

10:38PM - Jim points out that we can't solve climate change by just fixing America.  I've made this point before.  Climate moves around.  You can't just stop burning coal in the United States and then everything's fine.

10:39PM - Bernie points out that fossil fuels are funding the Republican party.  To be fair, they're funding a good portion of the Democratic party too.

10:40PM - Hillary is telling her Hangover 4: Crashing the China Meeting story again.

10:41PM - Hillary says that paid family leave in California hasn't resulted in all the problems Republicans always say will come with paid family leave.  She followed up by pointing out that Republicans don't mind big government when it's telling women want to do about health care.  Alright, one point for Hillary.

10:44PM - Bernie "suspects" he would vote yes on recreational marijuana.  He followed with good points about the criminal justice system, but I got hung up on "suspect".  If Bernie has a suspicion about where he stands on marijuana, I know a guy he can ask to confirm it.

10:46PM - Is Hillary ready to take a position on marijuana now?  No, no she is not.

10:47PM - Bernie's plan for how to get Republicans to do stuff seems flawed.  Just get lots of people to ask them.  I feel like he's skipping a couple of steps.

10:52PM - Coop asked them all which political enemy are they most proud of making:
Shaggy - The Coal Lobby
Marty - The NRA (score another point for Marty)
Hillary - Of course she couldn't just give a straight answer
Bernie - Wall St. and the Pharmaceutical industry
Webb - An enemy soldier that threw a grenade at him

10:54PM - Marty's closing statement was killer.  I'm declaring him the clear winner, which probably means he'll drop out tomorrow.

Less is Nothing

I came into the 2016 campaign thinking of Ben Carson as one of the smart guys in the Republican field.  He made a living operating on brains, which I'm given to believe is somewhat challenging.  I never expected him to know things about public policy or foreign policy, having never worked in government, but I thought he'd be good at common sense things and thinking on his feet.  Don't surgeons have to literally think on their feet?  Shouldn't quick decisiveness be a strength for a brain surgeon?  I feel like if something went wrong during my brain surgery, Dr. Ben would decide what to do about it halfway through my autopsy.  He's like a glacier with glasses.  But, even though it seems like Ben really REALLY thinks before he speaks, he still says things that make no sense to anyone.

In case you missed it, Ben decided he needed to go on TV and comment on the latest episode of America's longest running reality show "Lots of People Get Shot for No Particular Reason".  Like Survivor, it was never really a good show, but we have no intention of cancelling it.  Anyway, Ben figures that if he were ever confronted with a gunman, he would just rally everyone in the room to attack the gunman and stop him.  As far as I can tell, here's how Ben's fantasy plays out:

Scene: Dr. Ben is teaching a class about brains or whatever when suddenly a guy in a black jacket busts in with an assault rifle.

Ben: Hello Sir!  Do you intend to shoot all of us?
Gunman: Yes, that's the plan.
Ben: OK, can you give me a minute to rally all of these unarmed people to attack and stop you?
Gunman: Sure, that sounds fair, I'll just hang out here in the doorway for a minute.
Ben: OK everybody, out of your chairs, we're going to stop this gunman!
Student #1: Ummm, I'd really rather just sit here and maybe not get shot.
Student #2: Agreed.  Your plan seems flawed since he has a gun and we're unarmed.
Student #3: Yeah, I like being alive and if I just run at the guy with the gun, he's probably going to shoot me.
Ben: NO! NO!  You guys don't get it.  If you all run at him, some of you will probably die, but some of you might not.
Student #2: Yeah, we're definitely not doing that.
Ben: Excuse me, Mr. Gunman.  Could you give me a little more time with this? These people aren't really understanding the plan.
Gunman: Alright dude, but like, three more minutes.  I really need to get started with this.

And scene.

Now, to be honest, I don't really care what Ben thinks or says because Ben isn't going to be President and I already knew that.  Still, I was struck by the fact that Ben's solution to a mass shooting still involves a few innocent people dying, just not as many.  I've had this same concern for a while about the standard Republican response to mass shootings (most Republicans are smart enough to at least avoid suggesting that the victims were just too cowardly to live, I thought Ben was smarter than that too).

Usually, after one of these tragedies, Republicans will go on TV to talk about it.  After they get done sending thoughts and prayers, and before they get to the part where they accuse anyone talking about gun control of exploiting a tragedy for political reasons, they opine about how this all could have been prevented by a good guy with a gun.  What a wonderful world it would be if we were all constantly surrounded by armed vigilantes with itchy trigger fingers.  Everyone knows the best part of the old west was the constant possibility of being hit by a stray bullet.  Free lead everyone!

Also, Republicans have fantasies in which they play the role of Clint Eastwood, but most people aren't capable of just shooting someone.  That's why cops and military people need a lot of training, and frequently need a lot of counseling after they shoot someone.  That's why every time one of these shootings happens we talk about mental illness.  Killing someone is harder than Donald Trump and Carly Fiorina imagine it being, probably because they're both sociopaths. 

Any time someone opens fire on a group of people, even if there's a decently trained armed citizen in the crowd, a few people are going to get shot before the gunman does.  We can't shoot people before they start shooting other people unless Ben Carson is also working on a pre-crime division for the FBI (and I really hope he is, I would just like to see Rand Paul's reaction).  Sometimes these things happen in movie theaters.  Does a shoot-out between a crazy person and a vigilante in a dark theater really sound like a good idea to you?

While we're here, this is a little off topic, but let's quickly dispatch with another stupid argument.  I've heard politicians argue that we don't talk about knife control after a stabbing.  Yes, if you want to kill one person you can use almost anything you want if you're creative enough.  But if you want to kill 10 people in 3 minutes before the cops get there, a knife or a hammer won't get the job done.  Also, knives have other legitimate uses and guns are really only used for shooting stuff.  Anyway...

I don't think we should be willing to accept "less innocent people dying" as a valid goal.  That may be a realistic outcome, but I think we have to demand "zero innocent people dying" as the actual goal and work backwards from there.  I'm not saying ban all guns.  People already have them.  I also don't want to walk through a metal detector every time I go anywhere, although I feel like that's where we might wind up and I guess I can handle that if I have to.  Come to think of it, I already made a proposal http://somethingclever13.blogspot.com/2012/07/hunting-is-stupid.html

What I'm asking for is better leadership.  When you're talking about innocent people dying, less is meaningless.  I want a Presidential candidate with a proposal to get us to zero.  Why don't we demand a higher bar for our candidates?  I made this point on another topic recently.  In a country of 320 million people, only one of us has to be in charge at a time.  Is it too much to ask for one person with a new idea? 

The Other Guys

We've been having a lot of fun with Republicans lately, and with good reason.  Republicans are notoriously fun.  There's like 300 of them, and some of them don't believe in science, and most of them do believe in being irrationally angry about things.  And they've got that reality TV guy with the "hair".  "You're fired", says he.  If the Presidential race was just Republicans it would be endlessly entertaining, and also terrifying. 

But see, there are these other guys.  I've heard people on cable news refer to them vaguely, in passing, as Democrats.  Am I getting that right?  Democrats?  They're a secretive second party, which also appears to have hopes of winning the 2016 election.  That lady Republicans are always bad-mouthing, Hillary something, I've heard she's one of them.  I've heard the current President is one of them too, but I've also heard he's a muslim so I don't really trust my intel.  I definitely needed to look into these "Democrats" a little bit more, so that's what I did.

First of all, it seems like they only have five candidates.  Do you even clusterfuck, bro?  How are you supposed to have a debate with just five people?  Viewers might actually hear what the candidates think and believe.  Seems like a bad plan.  Also, they haven't had any debates yet.  The Republicans have been debating the crap out of each other.  A couple of them have already bailed.*

*Sidenote...Scott Walker dropped out.  If you don't know a ton about politics, just take my word for it, you're really happy about this.  No matter who actually wins the election, you will be better off because it will not be Scott Walker.

So let's get to the Democratic candidates.  I broke them down into a category and then just some people, because there are only six of them (five candidates and one Biden), so I didn't really need a lot of categories.

Invisible Kids

Jim Webb
Jim Webb is running a very subversive campaign.  Did I say subversive?  I meant subterranean.  Has anyone seen Jim Webb since he announced his candidacy in July?  Are we sure he's OK?  Webb is a former Senator from a state with actual people in it.  He's got a military background and he actually looks like a guy who could be President, which you, sadly, cannot say about some of these other people and we'll get to that.  Webb seems genuinely qualified and his bio reads like that of a serious person, but he's polling below 1%.  What gives?  Hey Jim!  There's this thing called going on TV.  You should try it.

Lincoln Chafee
Lincoln is a former Republican Governor turned Democrat.  To be fair, he was the Governor of Rhode Island, so settle down, but still.  Lincoln's first campaign speech included advocating for the metric system.  It was one of many things he suggested in the course of that speech, and is by no means an integral part of his platform, but it's all anyone talked about after.  If Chafee had even one good advisor, they would have told him that would happen.  Americans hate the metric system because Europe is stupid, and now they hate Lincoln Chafee. 

Also, something about Lincoln Chafee reminds me of Scooby Doo.  It's like when I always say that Ted Cruz looks like a muppet.  He doesn't really look like a muppet, but that's what his face reminds me of.  Lincoln Chafee's face reminds me of Scooby Doo.

Martin O'Malley
Martin would win my home town in a landslide with that name.  It seems like he would lose the rest of the country though.  Hey Martin, how'd you like to be President of Rockaway?  We have a beach and also seagulls! 

Martin, Jim and Lincoln should start a punk band called the Margins of Error.  I feel like I'd buy that album.

Anyway, on to people who might actually do something.

Bernie Sanders
I have to admit to being very skeptical about Bernie.  I feel like we've been down this road before.  Remember the 2000 election?  In the primary, John McCain seemed really honest and mavericky and stuff, and people got pretty excited about him being something of an outsider.  By 2008, we found out that John was mostly a political hack like everyone else.  Bernie's been in Congress for a long time.  I get why he has some progressive street cred, and why he gets some benefit of the doubt, I'm just saying, Bernie's been in Congress for a long time. 

Bernie's history of votes on gun control bills is, to put it generously, troubling.  And the excuses he offers often sound a lot like the excuses Republicans offer.  I know Sanders isn't a gun nut, they don't even have guns in Vermont.  They just throw ice cream and syrup at each other when they get angry, it's safe and delicious.  So why does gun control make Bernie so grumpy?  It's a good question.

I'm also a little concerned about how a guy who looks and sounds like Doc Brown will do in a general election, and he'll probably need the political equivalent of 1.21 gigawatts of power to get the Republican Congress to do anything he wants to do with the economy.  I'm not saying I'm not voting for Bernie, but I'm not sold yet.

Hillary Clinton
I've made my thoughts on Hillary Clinton pretty clear.  I'm not voting for Hillary Clinton.  So let me just add this.  I really feel like Republicans need to stop talking about Benghazi and start just focusing on this thing with her emails.  My read on Benghazi is that it was always a fake scandal, but even if it wasn't, the party that gave George W. Bush a pass on 3,000 American lives doesn't get to throw stones about four.

The email thing is a real thing.  It seems like, when she was Secretary of State, national security information wasn't as secure as it should have been.  I feel like, if that statement is verifiably true about someone, that person shouldn't get to be President.  I think sometimes we make elections too complicated.  There are 320 million people in this country, and only one of them can be President at a time.  That makes me think that if we know someone scored, let's say, a B- on the keeping classified information safe test, maybe we should just look elsewhere.

I also think the Clinton Foundation stuff might be a real thing too, but Republicans seem to have dropped it.  Maybe just too much math.  I don't know.  Either way, we know Hillary Clinton is beatable because Barack Obama already did it, so somebody needs to step up because Barack is out of bullets.

Joe Biden
It's hard for me to imagine Joe Biden as President.  He just seems kind of silly to me, like a guy who just can't quite fill the big chair.  But maybe that's unfair.  Biden is very knowledgeable about foreign and domestic policy, he's experienced and likable and he knows Hillary's weaknesses as well as anyone who might run.  If we've been waiting for someone to save us from Hillary, maybe Joe Biden is who we've been waiting for.

So why can't I shake this feeling that he's actually going to help Hillary?  My read on the current state of the Democratic nomination process is that about half of Bernie Sanders' votes are "anyone but Hillary" votes.  Doesn't Biden take all of those while leaving Bernie with the people who just like Bernie?  Doesn't splitting the rest of the party really help Hillary?  What am I missing here?  Doesn't a Biden announcement now bury Sanders right when he has the momentum?  Aren't I asking a lot of rhetorical questions?

It's also worth pointing out that Joe Biden is, you know, not running yet.  Usually people who aren't running yet poll a little better than third if they're actually going to cause serious trouble once they do run.  Most of these guys do better before they have to start talking.  I'd be really surprised if Joe Biden becomes a serious contender.  To be honest, I'm starting to think I'd be really surprised if he runs.  I'm not sure he wants to. 

Hillary is still the obvious favorite.  If you forced me to put money on someone, I'd have to put it on her, but I wouldn't have to like it.

That's all the Democrats.  I know, seems like not enough.  Maybe Rand Paul and John Kasich can jump over to the Democratic field and see if maybe they can get some traction.  Kasich/Paul 2016!

This Cable News Network Goes to 11

I'm sorry.  There were two debates tonight and I just, I didn't have the patience or energy to watch the first one.  To be honest, it looked pretty sad to me.  It was just Jindal, Pataki, Santorum and Graham.  I thought Rick could be a real guy this time around.  I was wrong.  I also thought Pataki might not be a terrible candidate.  Wrong again.  Sorry guys.  I hope you enjoy appearing on cable news shows.

More importantly, how did CNN decide the numbers for these two debates?  Four, and then eleven.  Fox had ten in the main debate, and then everyone else in the other one.  Ten makes sense.  People love top ten lists.  CNN went with eleven.  This cable news network goes to eleven.

Tonight's debate is coming to us from the Reagan Library.  It's like a Republican theme park where they go every four years to pretend that our worst President was actually our best President.  He was a corporate whore with a jelly bean fetish.  I don't understand why these people are so fascinated by him.  It's going to be a long night, I'd better settle down.

8:10PM: This debate is airing around the world, says Jake Tapper.  That's pretty embarrassing.  Also, Tapper seems to be moderating this debate, along with Hugh Hewitt and Dana Bash.  Didn't CNN used to have journalists?  Is Tapper a journalist?  I honestly don't know.

8:13PM: Huckleberry just referred to the 11 people currently on stage as "The A Team", and he's casting Trump as Mr. T.  Way to relate to the young people Huck!

8:13PM: Rubio says he brought his own water because he knows California has a drought.  Hilarious Rubes!  People have no water to drink!  LOLZ!  It's funny because we're all going to die.

8:15PM: Trump says that he's made billions and billions of dollars but he made it clear that he was saying it "not in a braggadocious way".  Sadly, I think Trump honestly believes that's how not bragging works.

8:16PM: Carly stared awkwardly at the camera for about three seconds before she started talking.  I'm pretty sure that's the end of her campaign.

8:17PM: Kasich said hello to his kids in the introductions.  Feels like the move of somebody who isn't 100% sure he'll be around for the next debate.

8:18PM: Christie directed the camera to face the audience instead of him.  He's fun.  Can we keep him for a little longer?

8:20PM: Tapper asked Carly if she'd be comfortable with Trump's finger on the button, she didn't answer.  The correct answer is no.  Trump's response was to point out that Rand Paul shouldn't be on the stage.  Rand correctly pointed out the non-sequitur and called Trump sophomoric.  Trump responded by saying he's never attacked Rand on his appearance even though "there's plenty of subject matter there".  It's like Trump is doing a perfect Trump impression.

8:22PM: Walker..."Jake, Jake, Jake....Jake!".  Tapper ignored him.

8:23PM: Trump keeps responding to questions about his temperament by attacking random people who weren't part of the question.

8:25PM: Walker (after Tapper finally called on him) about Trump: "just because he says it doesn't mean it's true".  That's a good point, but in this case Trump was talking about the terrible economic job Walker has done in Wisconsin, which is 100% true, sooooo....

8:26PM: Kasich begs Tapper to get to the issues.  I think John may be confused about what network he's on.  Tapper followed that by asking Christie about something mean Ben Carson may or may not have said about Christie.  Take that, issues!

8:30PM: Tapper is going to keep asking questions about Trump and you can't stop him.  This one was about how Trump isn't bought and paid for by donors.  Bush says the only donor that tried to get him to do something was Trump, who wanted casino gambling in Florida.  Trump says that isn't true.  One of them is lying.  I'm pretty sure I know who, but I wish Tapper would try to find out.

More importantly, I love the distinction Trump is making here.  He's saying all these people are whores, but he's not.  Good point, Trump's more of a slut.  He acts like a whore, but you don't have to pay him.

8:34PM: Huckleberry, Rubio and Cruz have literally had no opportunities to speak since the introductions.  We're 25 minutes in.  Tapper, with apparently no interest in hearing from all of the candidates, asks Trump another question.

8:36PM: Rubio says Putin is trying to usurp our role in the middle east.  Why is that a bad thing?  If you've been carrying around a bag of dog shit for 70 years and then some Russian guy shows up and tries to steal your bag of dog shit, you don't really put up much of a fight.  Please Vlad, take it.

8:38PM: Carly wants to arm Jordan and the Kurds.  Is the plan to try to give weapons to every single faction in the middle east and see if maybe one of them doesn't eventually wind up shooting them at us?  How's that working out so far?

8:40PM: I think Ted Cruz doesn't understand that if you print out a copy of a law and rip it up, that doesn't mean it's not a law anymore.  That's strange because he's supposedly a lawyer.

8:43PM: Kasich and Rand have spent the last few minutes talking about how we shouldn't make rash decisions in foreign policy.  These other guys disagree, and I fear Republican primary voters will too.

8:44PM: Still nothing from Huck.  Can we send someone to his podium to check out the situation over there?

8:45PM: In a huge upset, Jeb is the first person to suck up to Israel.  I'm shocked.

8:48PM: Rand points out that if we had bombed the Assad regime years ago like these other people wanted to and still wish he had, ISIS would be in control of everything in Syria by now.  That's a good and accurate point, and Tapper has no follow up for anyone.

8:51PM: Tapper has no control.  He just said he wanted to go to Dana Bash.  Kasich said no and just started talking, and then Carly called next.  Tapper then moved on to Cruz and Huck, with Carly still calling next.

8:53PM: Huck says that the Supreme Court decided to redefine marriage "out of thin air".  Thin air, the 14th amendment, whatever.  For the record, I don't understand why they threw that county clerk lady in jail, but I also don't understand why she wasn't just fired for refusing to do her job.  Kentucky's a strange place though so who knows.

8:57PM: Kasich says you can get things done without shutting down the federal government.  He's getting the confused dog face from Cruz.

9:00PM: Would Chris Christie support shutting down the government over Planned Parenthood?  In a touching homage to political brinkmanship, Christie says yes and says they should force the President to do what he's threatening to do.

9:02PM: Carly is very angry about Planned Parenthood.  Like really really angry.  Uncomfortably angry.  It got her a standing ovation.

9:04PM: Trump says "I will take care of women, I respect women".  Nothing in the history of Donald Trump suggests that's true, but OK.

9:07PM: Trump's response to the question about him calling Carly ugly "I think she's got a beautiful face and she's a beautiful woman".  Perfect.

9:13PM: Immigration policy time.  Ben Carson's casual mention of the fact that you can cut holes in fences pretty much ruins the immigration policy of everyone on the stage.

9:15PM: Tapper says we're going to Dana Bash for more about immigration.  Translation: Dana's going to ask a question about something Donald Trump said about Jeb's wife being a Mexican.  Journalism!

9:18PM: Apparently Trump's plan for undocumented immigrants involves moving all of them out, but then letting the great ones and the good ones come back.  And also speaking English.

9:20PM: We seem to be talking about whether or not it's appropriate for Presidential candidates to answer questions in Spanish.  Rubio says he gives interviews in Spanish so that people who don't speak English yet will hear directly from him and not some translator at Univision.  What?  What a strange reason to give.

9:22PM: When all the other guys start falling all over themselves to say how much they like and respect you, that means they have internal polling that says you can't possibly beat them.  Hasta la vista Ben Carson.

9:26PM: Trump says we're the only ones stupid enough to have birthright citizenship.  Yeah!  Take your American exceptionalism and shove it up your ass!  Stop being so stupid!

9:30PM: Every time Tapper says he's going to ask a question about an issue, he starts off with some Trump insult about another candidate that's vaguely related to that issue.  Why can't he just ask Carly why her time at HP was disastrous?  Why does he need a Trump quote for that?

9:32PM: Trump says Carly can't run any of his companies.  I assume that's because he doesn't think she's pretty enough.  Carly responds by pointing out that Trump has run four different businesses into bankruptcy.  Trump mostly just laughs whenever someone brings that up.  

9:34PM: Christie says construction workers couldn't care less about Trump and Carly's careers.  It's not just construction workers, but I agree with his basic point.

9:35PM: Apparently Tapper's one and only rule is that if someone else mentions your name, then you get to talk for a while.  You don't necessarily have to respond to what they said, or talk about the same thing they were talking about.  It's like a game of hide and seek where everyone gets to hide whenever they want but nobody ever has to seek.

9:38PM: Huck is still pushing the fair tax.  He properly explained it as a tax on consumption rather than on what you earn.  That sounds really good, except that in practice it's incredibly regressive and just awful for working people.  Rich people use a small percentage of their money to buy stuff, so a fair tax only taxes a small percentage of their money.  Poor and working people use all of their money to buy stuff they need to live like food and shelter, so a consumption tax is, for them, not totally awesome.

9:41PM: Carson seems to be in favor of direct democracy, as he's referenced getting the government out of the way and letting the people make decisions multiple times.  If I can make a serious point, this is why people who don't know anything about government make bad candidates.  There's a huge difference between what Ben is talking about and the system of government we actually have.  Ben's not a dumb guy, but government isn't his field.  People who don't understand how government works (Ben, Trump, Carly) make bad candidates.  If you have a broken toilet and you hire a plumber who does a crappy job, and then another plumber who does another crappy job, you don't go out and see if a bus driver can fix your toilet.  You go out and find a better plumber, even though you're getting really sick of plumbers.  Ben is probably smarter than a plumber, but I bet he can't fix your toilet.

9:45PM: I swear I think Kasich might actually make a decent President.  I'm sure I don't agree with him on everything, but he seems pretty reasonable.

9:47PM: Carly is a whirlwind of Fox News talking points about Hillary Clinton.  Smart Republicans would stop talking about Benghazi and just talk about the email thing, which is a real thing even though Democrats don't want it to be.

Apparently, this CNN debate is three hours long.  I call shenanigans on that.  I have an hour and a half of this in me, two hours tops.  And that's on a good day, which this week has not included.  I'm done with you CNN.  You can't hold me hostage for three hours.  Let's say Kasich won because I can always hope for a candidate that I don't hate voting for.

What Massachusetts Is Like

I'm always interested in providing important public services.  Recently I realized that while I live in Massachusetts, most of my Facebook friends, and most of the people who might read this, are not from Massachusetts, and might have no idea what it's like here.  I also think the Facebook friends I do have from Massachusetts could benefit from seeing how it looks to an outsider.  So what's Massachusetts like? 

First of all, Boston accents aren't a real thing.  I've never once met someone with a Ben Affleck style Boston accent.  I think it's just something TV and movies made up for fun.  It's not that people here have no accents.  I have one co-worker who talks a little like Peter Griffin.  He might be from Rhode Island or somewhere.  I have a friend from about an hour north of Boston.  Her accent is certainly unique, but nothing like Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting, or Ben Affleck in everything.  Boston accents aren't real, tell your friends.

Also, people here are obsessed with Dunkin Donuts, to like an unhealthy degree.  When I lived in New York, Dunkin Donuts was where you would go to get cheap, serviceable coffee because you didn't feel like waiting in line forever and overpaying at Starbucks.  I've lived here for five years and I've seen two Starbucks, and one of them is on my campus.  Meanwhile, on my 10-15 minute drive home, I can pass anywhere between two and five Dunkin Donuts locations.  Everyone you meet here has worked at a Dunkin Donuts at some point.  Everyone.  Sometimes you can see a Dunkin Donuts from another Dunkin Donuts.  And nobody ever actually gets donuts. 

Speaking of food, it's mostly terrible here.  I did have good Chinese food at one point this summer, and also good Italian food once last month, but those took me five years to find.  As far as I can tell, there's no such thing as a good deli here.  When I worked in Manhattan, there was this place near work called Taco Grill.  It was greasy and horrible and delicious.  And if you wanted something a little less heart clogging, there was the Great Burrito.  You cannot get a good taco in Massachusetts.  Not anywhere, not ever.  And then there's the pizza.

The pizza here is infuriating.  I've seen such horrible things.  It's like the Vietnam of pizza.  I've seen round pies cut into squares.  I've seen pies cut into 16 slices instead of 8 for no reason other than to bother me.  I've seen "thin crust" "New York Style" pizza with crust so thick you can't even really fold it in half.  There's a place right across the street from work called Peppa's.  Sometimes, if you catch them on the right day, the pizza there is almost good.  But, most of the time, the crust is just a little too thick in the most frustrating way because it's so close.  After five years here, I finally found a decent pizza place this summer.  It's a 35 minute drive and they still cut the pizza into too many slices unless you tell them not to, but at least it tastes like it's supposed to taste.

When you live in Massachusetts, you can't just go to a 7-11 or a regular little grocery store for alcohol.  When I went to Hofstra, there was this place down Hempstead Turnpike near the hospital that just sold beer and other drinks.  It might have been called the Beverage Barn.  It also might not have been called that, I don't really remember.  Massachusetts is full of places like that.  They're called package stores.  Some people also call them packys, but you don't want to associate with those people.  They're the only place you can get beer and liquor, and they're only open until like 8PM, and I think they may be completely closed on Sundays.  I thought Massachusetts was supposed to be fun.

Especially when I was at college, there was this thing where you'd call people with Massachusetts license plates massholes and say they didn't know how to drive.  After living here for five years, I don't know if people here are bad drivers, but if they are, they certainly have an excuse.  Driving here is terrifying.  All the roads are one lane, and the roads that have more then one lane usually have at least one lane under construction.  Everything here is constantly under construction, but nothing is ever finished or even better.

About a mile or two from where I work, there's this thing called a rotary.  Five or a hundred different roads converge in a circle.  There are no traffic lights to be seen, and yield and stop signs are just sort of scattered about in no particular pattern.  You have to get from one side of the circle to some road that leaves the circle somewhere else with no assistance from traffic signs or regulations.  It's a nightmare.  This summer I tried to go through the rotary to Enfield, CT but I wound up in Somers, CT, which is a solid five miles from Enfield, because I picked the wrong road because there are no signs.  If people from Massachusetts are bad drivers in New York, you really can't blame them.  They're not used to roads that go straight and are marked.

I don't know if this is a Massachusetts thing or just a reflection of this generation of stupid parents and helpless kids, but school buses stop at your house here.  When I was a kid, we had this thing called a bus stop where you'd go and the bus would sort of meet you there.  At least I think that's how it worked, I only took the bus to kindergarten.  Anyway, here, the school bus stops at every house.  I get stuck behind it on the way to work sometimes.  It just stops in front of a house and sits there until some kid comes running out, usually with at least one parent.  Then it rolls a few houses forward and picks up the next kid.  No wonder they have no public transportation here.  People would just be sitting in front of their houses wondering why the bus hasn't come to take them to work yet.

Massachusetts isn't all bad.  For one thing, when the next election comes up, I can just vote for whatever crazy third-party candidate I want because my vote doesn't really matter here.  Also, there's a Roy Rogers within driving distance of where I live.  The people here are mostly friendly too.  You have to get used to making eye contact with people when you're walking, and even saying hello sometimes, but once you do it's actually not so bad. 

The weather here is sort of a mixed bag.  Since I moved here, I've experienced a number of things I never remember seeing once in New York.  I've seen a tornado, hail, snow in October, an earthquake (which isn't really weather but still) and a hurricane even though we're nowhere near the ocean.  On the plus side you can actually see some stars here.  I'm willing to sit through a few earthquakes and tornadoes for a good night sky.

You would probably expect that I'd mention sports at some point, but really there's no need.  Sports are pretty much the same here.  Red Sox fans, once the adorable underdogs of the sports world, are just like Yankee fans now...super spoiled and terribly whiny whenever the team isn't good even though they just won a championship like two years ago.  Celtics fans are just like Knicks fans, despondent and pathetically hopeful about this new coach.  Patriots fans are just like Giants fans in the 80s when Parcells was there...unwilling or unable to shut up about the coach and how great he is and how nobody has ever coached football like he coaches football. 

Sidenote, watching this whole deflated footballs thing unfold from inside New England was fascinating.  For the record, this was the stupidest fake sports scandal in the history of what I can remember and I can't believe Brady almost missed actual games for it, but still, people here were so defensive.  If they had found Brady's fingerprints on the inside of every football in question, people here would have been like "that's totally normal, quarterbacks always thoroughly finger the inside of the footballs, STOP SINGLING BRADY OUT!!!!".

I don't mean to be so negative on where I live now.  For all I know, it could be the second best place in the world to live.  I would definitely go to college here.  There's colleges everywhere.  At Hofstra, the only other school I can remember being near us was Adelphi, and I'm pretty sure we ignored them on purpose.  Where I am now there's like 10 colleges right around here.  I'm sure the kids are having a fun time.  Massachusetts is a nice place, it just isn't New York.  But what is?