I wasn't planning on saying anything about the 2016 election for a while because, first of all, I tried predicting who would get the Republican nomination in 2012. I picked Haley Barbour, and remember that time that Haley Barbour didn't even run? I also wasn't going to say anything about 2016 for a while because it's 2013 right now and are you fucking serious?
But, according to cable news, it's definitely time to start talking 2016. Chris Matthews almost pissed his pants on live TV a couple of weeks ago when something happened that made him think Hillary Clinton was definitely running. It even distracted him from Anthony Weiner for like five minutes. Meanwhile, Fox News is like 2 steps away from having Rand Paul followed around by a reality TV camera crew at all times. So, that's the way it is. This is happening.
Well, this is happening in a minute. But first, what's with all the outrage about Anthony Weiner? Matthews held what would be best described as a week-long penis vigil on his show about it. Meanwhile, Matthews' two favorite Presidents (Clinton and Kennedy) nailed interns like it was their job. Kennedy seriously might have thought it was his job. I'm not saying Anthony Weiner isn't gross, I'm just saying that if you're going to get outraged about this stuff (which I'm not), actually banging the interns seems worse to me.
Anyway, Republicans first. For starters, I don't think Jeb Bush runs. He's never seemed super interested to me, and he's had the opportunity to watch his dad and his brother be President for a total of 12 years. Even if you hate the President, you have to admit that guy has a tough job most days, and I can't imagine watching two family members try to do it for 12 years has left Jeb with much of a taste for it.
I know these early front-runners rarely end up winning, but I do like Chris Christie for this. People say Christie can't get the nomination, but I totally disagree. Christie would wind up in the same position as Romney was in last time. He'll be in a primary with Rand Paul and Ted Cruz and five other lunatics fighting to be named king of the clown car. Santorum, Bachmann, Cain and Perry made Mitt look sane, reasoned, even smart. And Gingrich was nice enough to make Romney seem like not that much of a dick.
And by the way, Christie makes a pretty solid general election candidate. I don't know a lot about Chris Christie in terms of what he actually knows, but if he turns out to be kind of dumb, that's not really going to hurt him in Republican primaries, or even that much in the general. Meanwhile, I know Christie does all the superficial things that people love in Presidential candidates. He talks tough, he doesn't take shit from anyone and he treats the press with the contempt that they've earned over the last 15 years. I can't wait for him to go on Fox and sucker punch Sean Hannity.
Also, if the Republican brand is anything, it's anti-government. Specifically, the Federal government. Ask yourself how the Republicans get the useful idiots in the tea party, who are mostly middle class people who, like almost everyone, are one lay-off from the poverty line, to protest against things like health care for poor people and slightly higher taxes for the wealthy. They do it by equating everything they don't like to a robbery of freedom. And since nobody is dumb enough to actually believe that more health care = less freedom, they inject the Federal government into the middle of the equation, so it's more health care + Federal government involvement = less freedom. And that shit works like a charm.
So, if you're looking for a nominee from the everything the Federal government does = less freedom party, you may want to look for someone who isn't, ya know, currently holding a position in the Federal government.
And finally, if Christie ran against Hillary Clinton, I would absolutely vote for Chris Christie. You can write that one down now. Look, I even stopped calling him Governor Fatpants. I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. If Hillary Clinton, Rand Paul and a half-eaten meatball sandwich were running in a three way election, I'd vote for the sandwich.
You might ask, "hey Sean, you've always been a Ron Paul guy, so why no love for Rand?" I just don't buy it. People think Rand is a conviction libertarian like his dad, but I haven't seen enough evidence to believe it. Ron Paul was never a serious Presidential candidate because he cared more about his beliefs than he did about winning, and you can't have it both ways. Rand's level of ambition makes me think he's just another regular Republican who's trying to trade on his dad's name for extra votes by being a faux-libertarian and hoping people will believe it. I don't believe it. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think so.
Where were we? Oh yeah, luckily for me, I don't think I'll get the chance to choose between Hillary Clinton and a half-eaten sandwich because I don't think she'll get the nomination. She's in exactly the same position she was in eight years ago. How did that work out? Now she's eight years older, eight years less exciting and eight years more oh my god why won't she just go away.
First of all, for every independent voter who loves Hillary Clinton, there's an independent voter like me who wouldn't vote for Hillary Clinton if you threatened me with violence. A Clinton/Christie election puts people like me, who sprinted away from the Republicans once the tea people showed up, back in play. Bad times for Democrats.
Also, the far left doesn't like Hillary that much either. Hillary Clinton isn't just an establishment candidate, she's THE establishment. How does that play at a time when everyone hates the government (for both actual and made-up reasons)? Not well, I think. I'm not saying Hillary can't win, she's certainly the favorite, but I wouldn't put my money on her.
So who does get the Democratic nomination? That's a tough one. Normally the sitting Vice President would be a strong favorite. And it's not like Joe Biden has never expressed any interest in running for President. But, unfortunately, he's Joe Biden, so that's almost definitely not going to happen.
What about Democratic Governors? Can you even name a Democratic Governor? I can name Duval Patrick (he's still a Governor, right?), but he really doesn't feel like a President to me. Not everyone is cut out for the big chair, ya know? Other than the Governor of the state I currently live in, I couldn't name another Democratic Governor, and I feel like most other people couldn't either.
Democratic members of Congress? Yikes. If Harry Reid ever runs for President, we should all probably kill ourselves just to be safe. The Democratic nominee has to come from somewhere, but if he/she comes from Congress, it has to be someone who hasn't been there very long. Which brings me to my pick. Cory Booker.
Twenty years ago Booker would have been easily dismissed as way too inexperienced, but that's not the way it is anymore. Barack Obama proved that if we like someone enough we're not willing to wait four or eight years while he gets more experience. And if you hate Barack Obama, then I would submit to you that the fact that we're talking about Ted Cruz and Rand Paul for 2016 prove the same point.
Cory Booker is probably going to be a Senator soon, but when 2016 rolls around he won't have been in the Senate long enough to get that Senate stink all over him. He's got executive experience as a mayor, and he's the mayor of an actual city, where people live, not some podunk middle-of-nowhere nightmare like Wasilla, Alaska. And from what I hear he's a good mayor too. Booker's good on TV, seems smart, he's generally pretty likable but he's also tough enough to not take the Republicans' shit.
Plus, wouldn't an all-Jersey Christie/Booker election be pretty fun? I feel like it would. And as a citizen I'd like this election because neither one of these guys terrifies me, like a certain Mitt Romney did. I think both of them would at least be an adequate President. Imagine having two decent choices in a Presidential election. Has that ever happened before? The 2008 election doesn't qualify because of Sarah Palin. 1992 or 1996 maybe? I can't remember if Bob Dole was really a decent candidate or not. I'm digressing.
Anyway, that's my call. I don't know which side of the things I'd like to see happen/things I actually think will happen line I'm on here, but I feel pretty good about these picks. So we're probably looking at Ted Cruz/Rand Paul vs. Joe Biden/Anthony Weiner in 2016. Everybody get a helmet.
