The Last Straw (AKA Robot Bees)

Hey there.  Soooo....I completely stopped blogging for a while, for like 5 months.  Why?  Well, two reasons really.  First of all, sometimes I get so sick of myself that I just want to shoot me in the face.  I needed a break from putting the nonsense in my head into internet words.  Secondly, I almost completely stopped paying attention to political news.  Why?  Well, two more reasons.

First of all, I recently got a DVR.  It's the best TV related thing I've experienced since I discovered The West Wing.  Not only can I pause and rewind TV shows, which is perfect for me because I constantly stop paying attention to things I'm doing, even when I'm interested in them.  I regularly rewind something more than once because I'm genuinely interested in it but somehow my mind still wanders during it and I miss it.  I definitely would have been diagnosed with ADHD if I had been born 10 years later.  Wait, where was I?  Oh yeah, not only can I pause and rewind TV shows, but I can also record shows and watch them later.  Which means I can record the Daily Show and Colbert and @midnight and then I can watch them the next day when I get home from work, which means no more early evening Fox or MSNBC. 

More importantly, I literally couldn't take it anymore.  I've made this complaint before, but it's worth repeating.  Fox's 5PM slot has really gone downhill.  Glenn Beck was hilarious and genuinely entertaining.  As you might have guessed, putting a barely coherent lunatic on TV for an hour a day turned out to be a pretty solid programming idea.  In contrast, Fox's new 5PM show answers the burning question "what do morons think about everything?".  It's so stupid and because there are five of them, it's cluttered and not even really entertaining.  I think if you just gave Eric Bolling an hour to rant, he'd reach Beckian levels of insanity pretty quickly.  Unfortunately, his current show always provides someone to cut him off before he really gets going. 

The other thing with Fox is they have absolutely become the boy who cried Obama.  In Fox's universe, President Obama is engulfed in so many scandals he's making Watergate look like the Teapot Dome scandal (gotta love a Warren G. Harding reference...also, as far as I can tell, the Teapot Dome scandal is now what we call "lobbying").  The timing of the VA scandal couldn't be better because it's like Fox is challenging their viewers..."there's a real scandal in here somewhere...can you find it?...we bet you can't!". 

Meanwhile, MSNBC has gone round the bend.  I tuned into MSNBC one night this week and I caught a little of Chris Hayes' show.  I generally think of Chris Hayes as a reasonable fellow.  What was Chris talking about...this week...which is in June?  Chris Christie and a bridge.  I'm not kidding.  Actually I think he was talking about Chris Christie and a Skyway, which is sort of like a bridge but over land I guess.  So, as far as I can tell, MSNBC has been talking about Chris Christie and bridges (and skyways, and maybe tunnels) for six months now, only stopping to remind us of what a great President they think Hillary Clinton would be.

Quick detour...is Hillary Clinton out of touch with regular people?  Of-fucking-course she is.  She's spent almost all of the last 22 years being First Lady, a Senator, a Presidential candidate and a Cabinet Secretary.  If you HALO dropped Hillary Clinton into a working class neighborhood she'd be like a Star Trek away team member on a strange planet..."Captain, I see people getting their own coffee.  It's like they don't even know what a personal assistant is.  And I see cars driving around without an important person riding in the back seat.  Oh god!  Did they kill all the important people?!?  Get me out of here!".  It isn't her fault, it doesn't make her a bad person, it's just the way it is.

So what brought me back?  What sucked me back into cable news and got me to log back in to my dormant blog?  It was the President.  This President that I've mostly defended over the last six years.  This President who I've always stuck by.  I stuck by him when he ruthlessly insisted on giving more people access to health care.  I stuck by him when he tried to talk about gun control after some asshole shot a bunch of kids, even though we all know mass shootings are about literally everything but guns.  I consistently stick by him when he continues to reference god and jesus even though we all know he's an atheist.  I've stuck by him even as he continues to insist upon being black, even though the Republicans have made it clear that they are very uncomfortable with that.  He's so mean to them.  But I hung in there because I like Barack Obama and I think he's smart, and I kept hanging in there...until now. 

Look at this CNN story.  Look at it!
http://www.cnn.com/2014/06/22/politics/honey-bees-protection/

That's right, Barack Hussein Obama wants to protect bees!  He's in the pocket of big insect!  Now I understand that it's hard to resist the bee lobby.  They don't even bribe you, they just sting you until you do what they want.  But that's still no excuse.  I elected Barack Obama to make the tough choices and not give in to political pressure or bee stinging pressure.  Save the bees?  Ugh, no wonder Republicans are talking more about impeachment these days. 

I can already hear you liberally whining about pollination and the food chain.  I have a solution for that.  Two words...robot bees.  Put tens of thousands of Americans to work building billions of robot bees which can be programmed to pollinate stuff while also not stinging everyone.  Or at least not stinging me, I don't really care what they do to the rest of you. 

Meanwhile, some nerd scientists can get to work on figuring out what's killing the bees so we can weaponize it and kill all the other insects.  They're sneaky and some of them can fly, and they can also be replaced by robots if they do anything useful.  Stop shaking your head at me, you know this is a good idea. 

So listen, I'm just going to say this, and if everyone in America wants to get behind me and turn it into a big national movement, I think that would be pretty great.  In the 2016 election, I promise my vote to any candidate from any party who is willing to play god and replace all of the insects with tiny robots programmed to not bother us (note: offer not valid for Rick Santorum).  We can call our group the Bee Party.  Who's with me?