Reap The Whirlwind

"For they have sown the wind, and they shall reap the whirlwind" Hosea 8:7


If you read this blog enough, you already know that I am, quite possibly, the least religious person in the world. I couldn't believe in god less. I like the bible though. It's well written and contains some of my favorite quotes, including this one from the book of Hosea.

Hosea, by the way, is apparently one of the minor prophets. Tough break there. God talks to you, you're a prophet, seems like a pretty sweet deal. Then, somewhere along the way, you find out you're just a minor prophet. What a slap in the face. Why even bother being a prophet at all? I think the old testament prophets needed a union, so they could collectively bargain for equatable treatment of all prophets.

Anyway, I've been trying to keep up with the midterm elections. It isn't an easy task. Midterms can get pretty boring. First of all, who the hell are these people? Secondly, even when we have a supposedly huge change election, an overwhelming majority of Congress stays the same. For example, 1994 is basically the modern standard for a big change election. 1994 saw a 54 seat swing to the Republican side out of 435 House seats, or about 12%, which means 88% basically stayed the same. In the Senate, the Republicans picked up 8 seats out of 100, I don't really need to do the math for you there.

Boring or not, elections are important, especially Senate elections. The Senate holds the real power when it comes to making our laws. The House passes laws all the time with simple majority votes, but the Senate has all kinds of wacky rules and legislation generally goes there to die. So, if some dumbass state elects some dumbass Senator (I'm looking at you Pennsylvania. Rick Santorum? What were you thinking?) that dumbass is immediately 1% of the major governing body of our country for six long stupid years. Now, imagine what happens if dumbasses all over the country unite to elect a series of dumbass Senators.

In Nevada, the Republicans have nominated Sharron Angle, who, among other things, once suggested that ammunition shortages at sporting goods stores might be evidence that the nation is arming for a revolution against the federal government. Not crazy enough for you? How about this? In discussing her opposition to abortion in the case of rape or incest, Sharron suggested telling the hypothetically impregnated rape victim to turn what was really a lemon of a situation into lemonade.

You might think Angle couldn't possibly win an election, but Ms. Angle is running against Harry Reid, who is as charismatic is he is competent. The real clear politics average currently has Reid ahead of this lunatic by a whopping half a point. If you've ever seen Harry Reid talk, you can understand why I'm not optimistic about him being able to win over voters and take a real lead. If Sharron Angle can manage to avoid committing a felony in the next month and a half, I think she's got a very good shot.

In Kentucky, the Republicans nominated Rand Paul. Rand thinks the President shouldn't have been so hard on BP for filling the Gulf of Mexico with oil. Rand also would have voted against the 1964 Civil Rights Act. The latest poll in Kentucky has Rand Paul up by 7. Two earlier polls had him up 15. Get ready for Senator Paul (who promises he won't actually try to repeal the Civil Rights Act, seeing as it's already been passed and all. How sporting of him).

Recently, Delaware Republicans nominated Christine O'Donnell. Christine actually seems like a nice person and I think the media has been a little tough on her. First of all, I didn't dabble in witchcraft when I was in high school, but if you had asked 15 year old me if I wanted to go see the satanic altar with the blood on it, I would have said "of course, I'm 15, what about me being 15 would suggest to you that I wouldn't want to see that?".

They're also all over her about her opposition to masturbation. I don't know what to say about that. She was a young Catholic and she was saying what the priests told her to say. I'm less worried about O'Donnell than some of these other people because early polls have her way down and, considering how late her primary was, I'm not sure she has time to recover. However, being that she's wildly unqualified to be a Senator and got nominated over a solid moderate candidate, she's another example of what we're talking about today.

I could on and on like this. Alaska Republicans nominated a guy named Joe Miller instead of re-nominating Republican incumbent, and seemingly non-crazy person, Lisa Murkowski. I don't really know what Joe stands for other than not shaving and not wearing a tie (but if you want to know what Joe stands for, just ask Sarah Palin, because that's who Joe asks when he wants to know what he stands for).

I've already talked about Florida empty vessel Marco Rubio. If Rubio wins it'll be the first time exit polls show a candidate won a Senate seat because of his "great hair" and "winning smile". He and Sarah Palin would make an excellent weekend news team.

New York Republicans nominated some guy named Joe DioGuardi to challenge Kirsten Gillibrand. Senator Gillibrand isn't exactly a political dynamo, Republicans could have stolen that seat by nominating a moderate that people have actually heard of instead of some guy who has run for Congress four times and only even managed to get nominated once.

The far right wing of the Republican party and the tea people have sown the wind. This is why I'm not a Republican anymore, the party is now routinely passing on qualified, reasonable people in favor of crazy, unqualified super-duper conservatives. Ideally, we'll watch them reap the whirlwind when they blow a chance to take back Congress from the consistently hapless Democrats. But what happens if all these crazy people ride an anti-incumbent wave to victory on November 2nd? Then, we all have to deal with the whirlwind.

Pessimism

Some people are optimists. They see the glass as half-full. They always look at the bright side. Even more people at least try to be optimists. Not me. No matter how much I like something, I can always see the downside. I'm like the opposite of a motivational speaker. I wonder if there's a market for that. Someone to come in and talk to your employees when they're just a little too happy, a little too satisfied. I could be that guy.

Anyway, I bring this up because one of the best days in America's year is coming up. Football's back! We've been waiting for Sunday since February and I'm tired of spending my Sundays watching stock cars drive around in endless circles. I can't wait. But that's Sunday. Today, I'm using my talent for pessimism to point out all the things I hate about this thing I love.

I hate that football starts on a Thursday. Just like baseball starting at night or the WNBA starting ever, football starting on a Thursday makes no sense. Football is for Sundays and Monday night and that's it. If Pierre Thomas wasn't on my fantasy team, I'd boycott tonight's game altogether. And speaking of tonight's game...

I hate Brett Favre. I just want to run up to him and punch him in the stomach. That goes for Peyton Manning and Tim Tebow too. I wish all three of them would retire and get a TV show together that I could never watch. I'm feeling a cop drama. Manning as the by-the-book Sergeant, Favre as the rule-breaking, bad-boy detective who never retires so eventually someone has to shoot him and Tebow as the cocky rookie. This could work. Speaking of Peyton Manning...

I hate the Colts. I'm not 100% sure why. They're just so smug and well-run and annoying. And then they quit on the perfect season last year (and the football gods punished them thoroughly). Maybe it's Manning's fault, I stopped hating the Packers after Favre left.

I hate the Jets' offense. This pre-dates Mark Sanchez and Rex Ryan, it even goes back to previous offensive coordinators. I feel like the Jets' offense has been terrible my whole life. It's like nobody told them the goal is to go forward. Also, in a more recent development, Braylon Edwards can't catch. Somebody on the Jets' coaching staff should probably try to work on that.

I hate that where I live dictates what NFL games I see. This never bothered me in other sports. I had Yankee games my whole life in New York, and who wants non-Yankee baseball anyway. Non-Yankee baseball is like ordering apple pie, only when your pie comes, instead of apples inside, it's the Kansas City Royals. But the regional market thing doesn't work for football in New York for. I've spent my whole life watching awful Jets games and horrible NFC east football. Do you remember when the Giants played the Cardinals twice a year? Unfortunately, I do.

I hate the whole NFL money situation. The non-guaranteed contracts, the hold-outs, the crappy collective bargaining agreement. First of all, a non-guaranteed contract isn't really a contract, is it? They should call them non-binding resolutions like Congress does. Also, what's with the hold-outs? Darrelle Revis held the entire city of New York and everyone at ESPN hostage for like six weeks because he was only supposed to make 1 million dollars this year. I know he's worth more than that, but is only getting paid 1 million dollars really a good enough reason to just stop going to work? (seriously, is it? Because I'd love to not get up for work tomorrow)

Finally, I hate that no one knows what's going on in the NFL from week to week. Sometime this season, I'll start a running back on my fantasy team that everyone says will have a big week, but he'll wind up with 4 carries for -3 yards. Everybody's superbowl pick will probably go 6-10. I know, that's what we love about it too, unpredictability and all. So, with absolutely no confidence, here are my picks for the season.

NFC PLAYOFFS
1: Dallas
2: Green Bay
3: New Orleans
4: San Francisco
5: Atlanta
6: Philadelphia

New Orleans over Philly
San Francisco over Atlanta
Green Bay over New Orleans (but only if this game happens in Green Bay like I'm predicting)
San Francisco over Dallas (big upset, Dallas chokes away a chance to play a home superbowl, Wade Phillips is fired and possibly executed by Jerry Jones immediately following the game)
Green Bay over San Francisco

Random NFC Thoughts
If I owned a sports team, I'd immediately hire Mike Singletary to coach it. It wouldn't even have to be a football team.
It'll be a big day for Philly fans when Kolb takes them to the playoffs while McNabb watches from home. Unfortunately, Andy Reid will still throw the ball approximately 103% of the time and they'll lose eventually.
No playoffs for the Vikings. This Favre thing has to end sometime, and it'll only end when his team has a bad enough season that no one could possibly want him the next season. Fingers crossed for this year everyone.

AFC PLAYOFFS
1: Indianapolis (Boooooooooooo)
2: Baltimore
3: New England
4: Oakland (you heard me!)
5: New York
6: Houston

New England over Houston
New York over Oakland (blowout, total destruction)
New York over Indy (revenge!)
Baltimore over New England (not revenge!)
Baltimore over New York (The phrase Rex bowl or Ryan bowl will be used around 1 million times)

Superbowl: Green Bay over Baltimore

Random AFC Thoughts
I thought people were crazy picking Baltimore until I actually looked at the AFC. The Jets can't score, the Pats can't defend and the Colts always choke eventually unless Rex Grossman is involved.
Some people like the Bengals, and they could go 11-5. They could also go 5-8 and have the entire team spend the last three weeks of the season in prison. I'm staying away.
I think Chris Johnson has another 2000 yard season in him. Speaking of the Titans, I usually hate guys who get labeled as "guys who just win", but I'm kind of buying it with Vince Young. If one of my AFC picks misses, I think the Titans take their spot.
No Steelers. I won't pick the Roethlisbozo. I hope they go 0-16.