Tommy Handsome...And His Balls

Can you imagine being the first ancient Egyptian to take the hieroglyph for ball and carve it where the hieroglyph for testicle was supposed to be.  You call all your Egyptian friends and mummies over to see what you've done and they're just like "Dude, that's genius.  We have so many balls in regular life, if we make it so that balls also means testicles, that's comic gold for the next 10,000 years.  Why didn't those stupid aliens who built our pyramids think of this?"

NBC's pre-game was six and a half hours long.  Six.  And a half.  Hours.  That gives a guy a lot of time to think, and he's what I came up with.  Handsome and the Hoodie.  A new sitcom coming to ABC in the Fall.  Brady and Belichick are banned from football for being cheaters and forced to live together in a small two-bedroom apartment in a Boston suburb.  Hijinks ensue.

Brady embarks on an acting career, but can only get roles as a corpse on procedural cop dramas (cut to David Caruso whipping off his sunglasses and glibly exclaiming "looks like someone sent this handsome devil straight to hell!"  Cue The Who).  Belichick takes a job at one of the fourteen Dunkin Donuts locations within walking distance of the apartment, and constantly fights with his boss because he wants to create 91 different types of donuts so he never has to work with the same exact combination of available donut flavors more than once.

Eventually, Brady gets his big break, being cast in one of the new Star Wars movies as the galaxy's most handsome man, but he gets the flu, so Belichick has to take his place.  Belichick immediately gets cast as the new darth vader, leaving Brady to run the Dunkin Donuts.  Look for plenty of Gronk guest appearances.

Hey, did you know there's another team in this game?  It's true, they're from Seattle or Portland or somewhere rainy like that.  Sports journalists seem genuinely surprised to see them, with Cris Collinsworth inquisitively musing "Hey, who are those guys?  I thought this was just about the Patriots and football inflation levels".

6:29PM: It's nice to see Lindsay Lohan alive and speaking in full sentences.

6:30PM: Marshawn Lynch has a small Tupperware container of Skittles on the sideline.  How is he not everyone's favorite football player?

6:34PM: Jonas Gray is inactive for this game.  It's like he made a deal with satan where he could rush for 200 yards in one NFL game but then nothing good ever happens to him again.  I'd say Jonas isn't a great negotiator.

6:36PM: Seattle almost screwed themselves with a roughing the kicker penalty.  The Seahawks, as good as they are, are one of the most undisciplined teams in the NFL.  You have to wonder how good they'd be if they could just stop taking stupid penalties.

6:39PM: The crowd in Arizona is decidedly pro-Seattle.  I'm surprised by that since Arizona is in Seattle's division, but I guess people just really hate the Patriots, and while I don't personally feel that way, I sort of get it.

6:42PM: "Hey, I have an idea for a commercial! Kate Upton!"..."...and..." "No and, just Kate Upton".  "OK yeah, that's a pretty good idea".

6:44PM: Collinsworth seems mildly obsessed with Belichick's #2 pencil.  Is he taking the SATs after the game?

6:45PM: Collinsworth just referred to Kam Chancellor as "the hammer".  Kam's wife has already told him 100 times that she's not calling him that.

6:51PM: People who have been paying attention to football this year know that Seattle doesn't really rush the passer that well and it isn't that surprising that they aren't pressuring Brady too much.  Apparently Collinsworth is not a person who has been paying attention to football.

6:53PM: Brady just threw the ball right to one of Seattle's DBs.  Right to him.  Jeremy Lane got hurt at the end of the play, but it's not like he was going to have two interceptions in the game, so his job's mostly done already.  Sidenote: The NFL doesn't give a fuck about knees.  As long as you don't hit a guy in the head, you can do pretty much whatever you want.  Unless you're hitting a quarterback, then you can only hit him in a 2 inch sliver of his body between his waist and his ribs.

6:58PM: After one quarter, points for nobody.  Somebody better go deflate some footballs, the NFL does not want a 9-6 superbowl.

7:05PM: They're making a new Terminator movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger.  California voters must be so proud.

7:08PM: New England isn't really having trouble moving the ball.  They just need to not give it away this time.

7:11PM: Touchdown! Brady to LaFell.  Both of these teams make a strong argument against spending money or high draft picks on big time wide receivers.  Where are the Cowboys right now? Or the Lions?  Or the Bengals?  Or any team with a receiver that anyone ever wanted?

7:16PM: Jason Statham, The Rock and Vin Diesel star in Incoherent Grunt: The Movie.

7:18PM: Seattle's offense is a mess right now.  The look like the Jets have looked for, basically, my entire life.

7:22PM: That Nissan commercial was an awfully long walk to nowhere.  Emotionally manipulative commercials only work on me when animals are involved.  You can't get me with humans.

7:27PM: Paul McCartney is at the superbowl.  I find that disappointing for some reason.  Like he should have more important Paul McCartney things to be doing.

7:31PM: Russell Wilson just completed a pass to a guy I've literally never seen in a Seahawks game this year.  I'm pretty confident Russell Wilson could throw a football through a brick wall.

7:33PM: Touchdown Lynch!  It's nice how Seattle's offense can basically just show up whenever they feel like it and everything's still cool.

7:36PM: The commercial featuring Walter White is currently the leader in the clubhouse for me.  Commercials don't have to be so complicated.

7:39PM: The two minute warning is one of the strangest rules in any sport.  "Hey, what if we just stop the game with two minutes to go in each half" "Why?" "I don't know, just for commercials and shit."

7:44PM: First really bad penalty of the game for Seattle.  I predict many more.

7:46PM: Wait, there's a Katy Perry performance and a pointless halftime show?  How long is this halftime?  I do have to go to work at some point this week.

7:48PM: Gronkowski touchdown.  If Gronkowski wins the MVP, I'm finding a way to start a riot.  He's the worst.

7:57PM: We've had 6 seconds left in the 1st half for about 5 minutes now.  This is why people who don't really like sports wind up really hating sports instead of just feeling indifferent.

7:58PM: Seattle makes a gutsy call to throw it into the end zone with 6 seconds left instead of just settling for the field goal and it gets them 7 instead of 3.  I hope Mike McCarthy is taking serious notes.

8:01PM: Time for the superbowl halftime show, brought to you by Pepsi and boobs.  Pepsi: It's how people who don't like Coke get diabetes.  And Boobs: They're what Katy Perry does.

8:13PM: Katy Perry is wearing an outfit that defies description while riding a mechanical tiger with satanic red eyes.  Can you imagine trying to explain why this is happening in the middle of a football game to someone who just refuses to understand marketing tie-ins.

8:24PM: I'm going to give the halftime show a solid B+.  Katy Perry was perfectly watchable.  Lenny Kravitz just played his little guitar and didn't bother anyone.  Missy Elliott was a welcomed addition.  I really don't have any complaints.

8:29PM: Market research conclusion for superbowl ad agencies: People are really into dads this year.  I think the fact that Cliff Huxtable turned out to be a rapist made people appreciate their own dad's ability to not be a horrible human being.

8:32PM: I've decided I'm stopping this at the end of the 3rd quarter.  I'm tired and I've had a headache for like 8 days and nobody's going to read this anyway.  Also, according to the TV, we're all going to die from snow poisoning tomorrow so what's the point.

8:34PM: Another catch by this Matthews fellow.  Where did they find this dude?  I imagine Russell Wilson spent the last two weeks telling Pete Carroll "Hey, you know that good receiver we have?  I think we should really use him."

8:37PM: Seattle settles for a field goal and takes their first lead.  Kudos to the New England defense for hanging in there.

8:41PM: Market research note #2: Voice-overs.  People love that shit.

8:47PM: Brady throws the ball to a Seahawk again.  I'd say that one was more on Gronk than Brady, but then again, I hate Gronk, so...

8:49PM: Are we sure Chris Matthews isn't actually Calvin Johnson or Dez Bryant in a mask?  What's happening here?

8:51PM:  Russell Wilson has never been tackled.  He just slides when he feels like it.

8:54PM: Touchdown! Wilson to Baldwin.  At least most Pats fans are probably getting a day off tomorrow.

8:58PM: Just be honest Budweiser.  Your beer is shitty but it's cheap and widely available.  When you try to tell me that you work really hard at brewing it, that just makes me feel sorry for you.

9:03PM: Punt for New England with about 3 minutes left in the third quarter.  Things looking bleak for the Patriots.  Usually when one team dominates after halftime, I'm inclined to say the other guy is getting out-coached.  Hard to believe about Belichick, but...

OK I think this is probably a good stopping point.  New England looks beaten right now.  Either they're going to make a big comeback which I'll want to pay attention to, or they'll continue to suck and I'll want to make fun of them, and I have to live here.  Enjoy the 4th quarter.

Why Are You So Bad At Your Job?

I've been thinking about this for a while and game 6 of the NBA finals was sort of a tipping point for me.  First, Tony Parker clearly got pushed when he tried to make a game winning shot at the end of regulation.  He also flopped, but still, he was fouled first.  Then, Manu Ginobili got mauled by more than one Miami player on his way to attempting a lay-up near the end of overtime.  Manu also took about 4 steps.  Neither one of those things drew a whistle.  Then Danny Green got tackled by Chris Bosh while trying to make a game tying three at the buzzer.  Van Gundy commented that he was OK with the no call but "is that a foul in the first 46 minutes of the game? Definitely!".  That's not how rules work Jeff!

Quick sidenote on the NBA finals.  I guess I'm rooting for the Spurs, but I kind of don't like either of these teams and I feel like neither outcome will save me from a summer of having to hear about Lebron all the time, so I mostly don't care who wins. 

Anyway, back to the point...why is it so hard to find competent officiating for major professional sports?  It's an honest question.  I sometimes feel like the NBA is secretly only allowed to recruit referees from prisons that are full of prisoners whose crimes somehow related to their complete inability to understand the rules of basketball.

Before we get to actual sports though, a quick honorable mention for soccer.  We'll talk about the NBA more in a little bit and when we do, just remember that flopping started in soccer.  Soccer referees throughout the world were so incompetent at discerning the difference between an actual foul and a flop that flopping became something of a soccer tradition, like 0-0 ties or standing around and not doing anything while the game is actually happening.  The influx of European players to the NBA was immediately accompanied by the advent of NBA flopping (I'm looking at you Vlade Divac).  There's no excuse for American referees to be just as useless as European soccer referees, but still, like most things, some of this is all soccer's fault.

Let's start with the NHL because, as usual, hockey is better than everything else.  I honestly can't remember the last time I walked away from a hockey game thinking that the officials had influenced the outcome of the game in any real way.  Hockey officials are the exception that prove the rule.  You could read this and say I just hate all referees, and you could be right, except you're not, because I don't hate hockey refs.

To be fair, there's definitely some built in advantage here.  Most hockey calls are relatively subjective and the NHL has taken concrete action in the rules to avoid flopping and exaggerating to get calls.  Also, most hockey commentators are Canadian, so they're generally pretty nice abooot stuff and they don't kill the refs too much even when they do miss a call. 

Hockey officials also get extra bonus points because A) if you count each skate individually, hockey players are carrying three deadly weapons at all times and B) hockey officials have to know how to skate, making them the only officials I can think of who actually have a skill. 

One more important point here.  Since, when you grow up, you learn that none of your dreams actually come true, I don't live in Canada.  Our syrupy neighbors to the north take hockey at least as seriously as we take football, and I imagine that if I were to walk into a Winnipeg sports bar in January I'd hear Canadians using their awesome accents to politely complain about all the bad calls in last night's Jets game.  So maybe it's all just a matter of perspective. 

Speaking of football, the NFL is sort of a mixed bag.  On one hand, I feel like there's been a disputable or debatable call on every football play I've ever seen.  The NFL provides a constant stream of questionable officiating, and I'm not sure I've ever fully agreed with a call in an NFL game. 

But the thing is, I'm not sure I've ever fully disagreed with a call in an NFL game either.  Officiating football is really hard.  Take a look at the basic situation for NFL refs:
-Players basically assault each other on every play and it's perfectly legal...
-except for the quarterback, who has like one square foot of area where you're allowed to touch him.  -I'm not sure if anybody in the world is 100% clear on when you're allowed to hit a receiver.
-Commentators constantly point out that there's holding on every play, which seems true enough, but you obviously can't call it on every play. 
-The rules change slightly every time someone gets another concussion.
-And there are all these complicated extra rules about eligible receivers and things happening down-field and whatnot. 

It's a lot, is what I'm saying.  Watching a group of guys try to properly officiate an NFL game is a lot like watching your dog try to work the microwave.  He's not going to get it right, but it's not really his fault either.  Plus it's football, so it's not like we're going to stop watching, so who really cares.

Now we come to baseball and this is where I start to get annoyed.  Baseball umpires have the easiest job I could possibly imagine.  First of all, most baseball rules were written 150 years ago.  People were less creative back then, so you have really simple rules like "if the ball beats the runner to first base, the runner is out" or "if a fielder catches the ball before it hits the ground, the batter is out" or "women aren't allowed to vote", etc. 

Secondly, if baseball were moving any slower, the games would be happening in reverse.  Baseball umpires are the only officials I can think of that literally never have to worry about watching more than one thing at the same time, and that's because there are four of them (six in the post-season) and there's almost never more than one thing happening at the same time.  Unlike other sports, baseball doesn't really have things happening off the ball that the officials have to worry about.

So, to recap, the job of a baseball umpire can be summed up as "watching the shiny ball and describing what happens around it".  And yet, way too many baseball umpires are just terrible at it.  I honestly feel like you could train four smart horses to umpire a baseball game and you wouldn't necessarily notice the difference in call quality.  I'm also 100% sure baseball umpires could be 100% replaced by some well placed sensors, a locator chip in the ball and a computer.  Why haven't we done this yet?

Finally, we come to the NBA.  Why is every basketball game I watch an officiating catastrophe?  I don't even know where to start.  You get two steps when you pick up your dribble.  TWO!  Can NBA referees not count to three?  I could replace NBA refs with the smartest kids in a nursery school and get better calls on traveling violations.

And the blocking/charging calls.  I know, that's not so easy, but still.  If you put me in a room where I couldn't see the game and just told me whenever there was a blocking/charging call situation and I just flipped a coin to decide which one to call, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between my results and the results we get from NBA refs.  You know I'm right about that.

And the flopping.  So much flopping, so easy to fix.  Just stop making the calls.  Next time a defender dives to the ground like he was shot trying to draw a charge, don't call a charge, or a block.  Just let them keep playing so the offense gets two points because one of the guys on defense is rolling around on the floor like a moron. 

And then there's Lebron.  Yes, Lebron gets his own paragraph because watching NBA referees officiate Lebron is one of the most frustrating things I've ever seen in sports.  Every time Lebron goes to the basket he uses his off hand to clear out his defender (which is super effective for him, because he might be the strongest person in the history of everything).  Not only does he never get called for this, but half the time the defender gets called for a foul for viciously assaulting Lebron's left elbow with his face.  I sometimes think NBA referees all have a secret memo from David Stern which reads, in part, "Our research shows that people like watching Lebron score, so if you see anyone trying to stop him from doing that, just call them for something, we don't really care what". 

You know why people can't stop spinning conspiracy theories about the NBA using officials to manipulate games and playoff series results?  It's because people watching are just trying to think of a plausible explanation for how the officiating could be so consistently awful.  And the most frustrating part is, we never get an explanation.  Why are referees the only people in the world who never have to be accountable for their job performance?  Why don't they have to do a press conference at the end of the game like coaches and players do?  Just once, I'd like to see a reporter get to raise his hand in a press room and ask the lead official of an NBA crew "Why are you so bad at your job?" 

Planet Mitt

I once had a job where I answered phones all day.  It was really fun and when we worked on weekends we'd play spades sometimes when the phones weren't busy.  If you get a bad hand in spades, you can bid nil and then instead of trying to win tricks you're trying to not win any.  There's a bonus if you succeed in not winning any and a penalty if you don't.

I'm wondering if maybe Mitt Romney bid nil on this election and forgot to tell us.  I've been thinking for weeks that people shouldn't rush to judgment so quickly every time Mitt does something stupid.  There's still so much time left, and three debates and all that.  But man, there's a limit to how much stupid you can make up for in debates, especially since the President is awesome at debating and Romney spent a year arguing with that clown car full of idiots (and Ron Paul). 

The other side of the argument is expectations for Mitt in the debates are so low that anything short of setting the building on fire or actually killing a poor person on live TV will be a win for him.  I don't know though, I think he needs some new ideas.  Romney campaign people, get ready to start writing (assuming you can read and write which, judging by the campaign you've run so far, may be a poor assumption).

Idea #1
Replacement Mitt.  Do you know how much I used to hate NFL referees?  If you had asked me, just last year, if I believed trained chimps could do a better job officiating games than the NFL referees, I would have said "of course!  They certainly couldn't be any worse!"

Now?  I mean, holy crap!  I was one of those people who thought I wouldn't miss the referees.  The last time I was that wrong about something I was telling you that Charlie Crist was going to be the next Senator from Florida.  Charlie Who?  Exactly!  How much better would Mitt look if he let Rick Santorum take his place for a couple of weeks?  Rick Santorum makes Mitt Romney look like Franklin Roosevelt.  How do you think Mitt got the nomination in the first place?  There may not be enough time left for Mitt to pull this strategy off successfully, but it couldn't hurt to try.

Idea #2
Helper monkey.  The best part about the helper monkey strategy is Mitt wouldn't have to change anything else.  Look, Mitt's biggest problem is still that nobody likes him.  Now imagine you're watching a Romney speech.  Everything is the same as always.  Mitt's spouting nonsense talking points, not really saying anything, wishing someone would come along and change him into a real boy.  All of that is still happening, but also, there's a little monkey running around getting Mitt juice and holding up his cue cards.  How much more would you like Mitt at that point?  A lot more, you say?  Exactly.

Idea #3
This is a little something I like to call "pulling a Sting".  Remember WCW in the mid 90's after they started the NWO.  Before the NWO, Sting was one of WCW's top stars.  Once the NWO came along, Sting stopped talking for like a year.  He just hung out in the rafters of the building pointing his baseball bat at Hulk Hogan. 

Wouldn't Mitt Romney be better off if he shut up until November and just hung around Obama events pointing a baseball bat at the President and looking menacing?  It certainly couldn't make things any worse.  Although, with Mitt, a regular wooden baseball bat wouldn't really be appropriate.  I'm thinking more like a cricket mallet made of solid gold.  No wait, cricket is a little Europeany for Mitt.  I've got it!  A lacrosse stick made entirely of diamond! Not diamonds.  Just one huge diamond, cut into the shape of a lacrosse stick.

Idea #4
Go to war with Iran right now.  I've watched as much election coverage as anybody who isn't paid to watch election coverage and I only know two things about a Romney administration.  First, he'll cut taxes for rich people.  He's been super clear about that.  Second, we're going to war with Iran.

But why wait?  Mitt's got tons of money.  He could easily put together his own army.  It wouldn't be as good as the US Army, but it'd be better than the Kiss army, and that's probably good enough to deal with Iran.  Or at least good enough to deal with Iran the way Mitt would, which would just be bombing them and waiting for good things to magically happen after.  And even if this doesn't get Mitt elected, he still did half of what he wanted to do.

Idea #5
Mystery candidate.  We'd have to be pretty stupid to fall for this, but luckily, we are pretty stupid.  Mitt drops out of the race and they replace him with a mystery candidate.  It would be just like old game shows where contestants had to choose between the perfectly adequate prize they could see or the mystery prize in the mystery box.

Which candidate do you want?  You want the one in the mystery box!  You know you do.  Nobody can resist the mystery box!  We'll be disappointed when we find out that it's still just Mitt in the mystery box, but by then it'll be too late and we'll be kind of relieved because at least it wasn't Newt Gingrich.

Idea #6
New ideas.  Mitt could start learning stuff and embracing policies and ideas that actually make sense.  He could start saying intelligent things and acting normal.  He could....I'm sorry...no...this definitely won't happen.

Idea #7
Free iphones.  Everyone who votes for Mitt gets a free new iphone.  It's just that simple.  I'm surprised he hasn't thought of this yet.  I'm pretty sure Karl Rove's super pac has enough money to buy everyone in America an iphone.

Idea #8
Bacon.  Did you hear about the upcoming bacon shortage?  I don't know if it's real or not, but I'm pretty sure millions of Americans are terrified.  If Mitt can present a comprehensive plan to save us from a baconless future, he'll win by 10 points.  Now, Mitt has yet to present a comprehensive plan about anything, but bacon is simpler and more delicious than the economy, so maybe he can pull it off.

Idea #9
The Republican party could engage in a long term strategy of voter suppression focusing on minority communities, young people and other core Democratic constituencies.  Maybe some kind of weird push for new voter ID laws based on completely false claims of voter fraud.  Something like this, if done effectively, could easily push states like Ohio and Pennsylvania over into Mitt's column.  I wonder why nobody in the Republican party has thought of this.  Hmmmm.

Idea #10
Planet Mitt.  This one is pretty self-explanatory.  Mitt can use his fortune to turn Mars into a habitable planet and then move all of his supporters there, where he can be president of them.  Actually, this might work out pretty well for everyone.  Let's go with this one.

The Death Penalty

In 1987, the football program at Southern Methodist University received what college football people refer to as "the death penalty".  SMU's 1987 season was cancelled, and their home games in 1988 were also cancelled, which eventually lead to the cancellation of the entire 1988 season.  SMU was also hit with a pretty severe reduction in scholarships and a reduction in the number of coaches they're allowed to have (as if college football teams really need so many coaches anyway, but whatever).  These penalties effectively demolished the SMU football program, and over 20 years later they're just barely starting to recover.

What did SMU do to deserve this?  Recruiting violations.  There was a lot going on, but basically, they paid players, and you aren't supposed to do that in college football.  Were they the only program paying players in the 80s?  Hell no, but they were doing it pretty blatantly, and they got caught.

Fast forward to 2012 and, as it turns out, Penn State's football facilities were being used, for years, by a former Penn State football coach, to sexually abuse young boys.  And, it appears, serious people at Penn State, including the head football coach, were at least peripherally aware that something very bad either was happening or, at the very least, had happened.

Umm, that sort of sounds worse than the SMU thing, doesn't it?  I mean, I don't wanna get into a whole thing here, but I assume we can all agree that sexual misconduct with kids is worse than paying people to play football when they're supposed to be doing it for free.

So, I was all ready for Penn State football to get the death penalty, and maybe multiple years of the death penalty, but no, not so much.  I have to admit to being sort of puzzled by this.  I've heard college football people argue that this whole scandal isn't really a football thing, so the NCAA should have stayed out of it altogether.  I don't know, it seems like it was a little bit of a football thing.  Kids weren't being abused in the showers of the Psychology department.

I think, more than any other sport, even the NFL, college football people often fail to see the bigger picture.  Growing up in a real city, with real sports to root for, I'm not particularly tied to any college football program, but I understand why Penn State people want to defend their program.  I don't really understand why other college football people can't just admit that Penn State got off easy.  They're lucky they ever get to play football again.


So what was Penn State's punishment?  First, a fine in the amount of $60 million.  I have no idea what that means.  I don't know how much money Penn State has.  I don't know how long they have to pay off the fine.  I don't know if, being the state college of Pennsylvania, they're permitted to pay all fines in the form of cheese steaks and Primanti Bros. sandwiches.  I have no idea what this means.


Second, four years of not going to bowl games.  Say it ain't so!  With Urban Meyer's arrival at Ohio State and Michigan back on the upswing, Penn State wasn't going to any Rose Bowls or national title games anytime soon.  So this basically means four years of not having to spend New Years in Shreveport or El Paso for the Whocares.com Bowl presented by Flakey Flakes off brand style breakfast cereal.


And then there's the vacated wins.  I have to admit, as much as I think Penn State deserves every bit of punishment it has coming and about 10 times more, I don't like this one.  This seems highly personal.  I've never been a big fan of Joe Paterno, or Cal Ripken or anyone else who wound up being called great mostly through an ability to stay around forever.  Still, this seems like a misguided attempt by the NCAA to kick dirt on Paterno's grave just so they can say "hey look, we did something!" and "Joe who?  Never heard of him."  You stay classy, NCAA.


And they lost some scholarships and players can transfer without having to sit out for a year, which is a stupid rule anyway.  I'm sorry, this all seems a little too lenient for me.  I've heard people say you're punishing current players for the sins of people who aren't there anymore, and that's not fair.  Umm, so? Listen, if, at some point in your life, a teacher or a parent or somebody told you that life was going to be fair, I suggest you attempt to locate that person and punch them in the face.  


Maybe the combination of the penalties and the bad PR will put Penn State football out of its misery anyway, I can only hope.  But the penalties themselves are way too soft.  What other organization would be able to move past an abuse scandal like this with not much more than a slap on the wrist?  Well, OK, there's the catholic church, but do you really want to be the catholic church of college football?


I'd like to see Penn State voluntarily suspend football for two or three years, then come back with new uniforms and probably a new team name.  Nobody knows what a nittany lion is anyway.  Is nittany a color?  Is it a place where you find lions?  I don't think Penn State will do that though, because at big time college football schools, even after huge scandals, football still runs the place.  And now we're sort of all the way back to the beginning of the problem.

Little Things

Why is it that the NHL seems to be able to nail all the little things, but is completely incapable of getting any of the big things right?  Tonight I watched game 7 between the Rangers and Senators (I tried to watch the Panthers/Devils game 7 too, but I just couldn't bring myself to care so I did this instead).  At the beginning of the game was the traditional singing of the anthems, for both the United States and Canada (because, apparently, Ottawa is the capital of Canada.  How adorable, they have a capital and a song and everything). 

Did they get some idiot-ass pop star to sing the anthems?  Or some stupid little kid?  Hell no!  It was some grumpy-looking old dude who looked like he should be taking your hat at the Bada Bing.  Nailed it!  The NHL gets a lot of these little things right.  New rules to make the game better after the lock-out, overtime shoot-outs so sports fans never have to endure another tie (unless Bud Selig decides to ruin another all-star game, or unless you count soccer fans as sports fans, which I obviously don't), the way Canadian announcers pronounce the name Hossa.  Nailed!  Nailed!  Nailed!

You could argue that rule changes were a big thing, but then that would ruin my whole premise so shut up please.  All of these good little things just serve to infuriate me more when they screw up the big things.  Like, why would you allow your playoffs to be scheduled in such a way that two of your game sevens have to go head to head with the first round of the NFL draft?  The one night between the superbowl and September when the NFL comes back to completely dominate sports TV.  Even if you went up against the 2nd and 3rd rounds you'd have a fighting chance.  Nobody cares about those anyway. 

Quick sidenote, what's with the NFL's hard-on for Thursdays?  I loved the old Saturday-Sunday drafts.  They went on forever, the whole second day with the B team commentators was hilarious, it was just a fun weekend.  Now, the draft starts on Thursday, which meant I had to try flipping back and forth between fantastic episodes of Community and 30 Rock and the draft just to keep up with what was going on.  Who knows how many idiotic things Chris Berman said that I'll never get to hear.  I flipped over once and caught the end of him screaming incoherently, but about what?  I'll never know...I'll NEVER know.

Plus, we're heading toward a season in which we have Thursday games almost every week.  Thursday games are the worst.  They ruin my fantasy team and the games themselves are always terrible because the players are all only half-healed from the week before.  WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH ROGER GODDELL AND THURSDAYS???  I hate this shit more than anything else in sports right now!  Where was I?

Oh yeah, hockey.  See?  The NHL can't even keep my attention for more than three paragraphs, and I love hockey.  Playoff scheduling isn't the only problem.  Why do they continue to insist upon wearing dark jerseys at home now?  I hate that almost as much as I hate Thursday football.  It doesn't look right and it never will.  How stupid did it look in Phoenix when the crowd did the white-out for playoff games (awesome gimmick, by the way), but the home team was wearing red?  Very stupid, is the answer to my query. 

And why is there still a team in Phoenix anyway? or San Jose? or Anaheim? or Tampa? or Miami? or Carolina? or Columbus, OH (the fact that I have to add OH there because otherwise you wouldn't know what I was talking about because nobody gives a shit about Columbus except Ohio State fans pretty much illustrates my point).  I could go on and on. 

The point is, I don't see why the NHL can't fix these problems.  Move the San Jose team to Quebec.  Combine the Anaheim and Columbus franchises and move them to Saskatoon or Regina (I feel like they should call the team the Saskatoon Saskatoons).  Move the Florida Panthers to Seattle (seriously, why hasn't Seattle ever had a hockey team?  Is it too close to Vancouver?  What am I missing?).  Move Carolina back to Hartford (obviously).  Move the Phoenix team to some other city in Ontario.  I honestly believe Ontario could support 8 NHL teams if we asked them to.

Then, you just let them wear white at home, like they're supposed to, and try not to schedule your best games when nobody is watching.  How hard is that?  I guess what I'm saying is, I would enjoy being King of the NHL (which is a better title than commissioner, which is obviously useless), and they should probably hire me now.  Gary Bettman can have my job if he wants it.

I Have a Question for the NFL

Actually, I have a lot of questions for the NFL.  Like why are there teams in Jacksonville and Tennessee but no team in Los Angeles?  Or why do two New York teams play in New Jersey?  Or why haven't they castrated the Roethlisbozo yet?  Come to think of it, I don't know that they haven't done that last one.

So many questions, but the one that's been bothering me lately is this one.  Why does the NFL bother advertising?  Did you know football is back?  I do, because the TV told me so, over and over again.  It must be costing them millions in advertising.  Why bother?

Does the NFL think there are sports fans all over America who just haven't heard about this whole pro football thing?  Do they think that if they just get the word out, maybe one day their little league will be popular?  Or does the NFL think we forgot which day of the week football happens?  There has to be something better they can do with that money, like paying Brett Favre to go away forever. 
This "football is back" ad campaign makes it seem like the lock-out lasted for three years.  Nobody cares about the lock-out, we didn't miss anything except the stupid hall of fame game.  Stop trying to convince me to watch football.  Trust me, I'm already there.  Just leave me alone and I'll see you on Sunday.

My pre-season picks were pretty solid last year.  I nailed the NFC and Superbowl champion Packers.  As for the AFC, I didn't even have Pittsburgh in the playoffs, but I'm taking a mulligan on that one.  I knew the Steelers would be good, I just refused to pick the Bozo to win anything, a tradition I'll be continuing this year...

AFC playoff teams
1) New England
2) San Diego
3) Baltimore
4) Houston
5) New York
6) Cleveland

AFC playoff results
Baltimore over Cleveland (huge!)
New York over Houston
San Diego over Baltimore (everyone will pick Baltimore here)
New York over New England (again)
San Diego over New York

A Thought for Every AFC Team
Denver: There's no amount of money I wouldn't be willing to pay the Denver Broncos if they let me go the whole season without hearing about Tim Tebow. 

San Diego: I like the Chargers a lot this year.  If Bob Sanders can stay healthy, this could finally be their year.  That sounds like a big if, but Indianapolis always seems to be plagued with injuries, maybe it wasn't Bob's fault.

Cleveland and Pittsburgh: Why Cleveland?  I'm all in on Colt McCoy and all out on the Steelers.  Aside from hating the Bozo, Rashard Mendenhall had something like 700 touches last year.  He may disintegrate on the field at some point this season.

Indianapolis: Any season that starts with Kerry Collins is pretty much guaranteed to end in disappointment.

Buffalo: "Ladies and Gentleman.  With the first pick in the 2012 NFL draft, the Buffalo Bills select Andrew Luck, quarterback from Stanford University"

Kansas City: Opposing defenses should be terrified of Jamaal Charles, but they should feel exactly the opposite about Matt Cassel.

Miami: I think the Heat can be better in their second season togeth...what?  Dolphins? There's still a football team in Miami?

Cincinnati: It's so nice to have the Bengals back.  It's like a warm security blanket of football atrocity.

Houston: No defense + lots of offensive weapons surrounding a somewhat inconsistent quarterback = always fun to watch.  They have to make the playoffs one of these years, right?

Oakland: At least they have Nnamdi...oh wait...crap!

New England: It's hard to pick against New England, but I'm at the point where I need to see them win a playoff game again before I can get back on board. 

Tennessee: As much as Chris Johnson is the man, I'm not counting on a guy who 1) skipped all of training camp and 2) is smaller than I am to carry an otherwise forgettable team to the playoffs.

Baltimore: I really don't like watching the Ravens.  I got bored just trying to think of something to write here.

Jacksonville: Los Angeles is really nice this time of year...or, for that matter, any time of year.

New York: I would also pay almost any amount of money to anyone who could get Rex Ryan to shut up for two straight weeks.  Now let's go eat a goddamn snack!

NFC playoff teams
1) Green Bay
2) Atlanta
3) Philadelphia
4) San Francisco
5) New Orleans
6) Detroit

NFC playoff results
Detroit over Philly (not betting on Vick getting to the end of the season in one piece)
New Orleans over San Francisco
Green Bay over Detroit
Atlanta over New Orleans (really good game)
Green Bay over Atlanta (really REALLY good game, but Atlanta can't win in Green Bay in January)

A Thought for Every NFC Team
Detroit: I'm picking the Lions because I like them, but also because I'm afraid Ndamukong Suh is capable of finding everyone in America who didn't pick the Lions to make the playoffs and beating them all to death.

Green Bay: Here's why I like the Packers to repeat in the NFC.  Last year they won the superbowl, but they did it as a 6 seed, and they did it without some key players.  So now you have a defending champ that didn't have a dominant season, didn't get a home playoff game and has some players returning who didn't participate in the championship run.  I'm more willing to bet on a dominant 14-2 season from Green Bay than a complacent 8-8.

Washington: I'm not one of those people who says Redskins is an offensive name.  I should probably clarify that.  I'm not saying it isn't offensive, it probably is, I just don't care.  On a related note, if you have to watch Washington play this season, chances are you'll be pretty offended.

Tampa Bay: Much like the city of Tampa Bay itself, The Bucs' defense doesn't really exist.

St. Louis: I don't know why everyone likes the Rams so much.  They only won 7 games last year, and look at who they beat.  Calm down everybody.

New York: Something about the Giants this year just screams 8-8.

New Orleans: My fantasy team is counting on a breakout season from Jimmy Graham.  So...get on that Drew Brees.

Chicago: No team did more with less last year than Chicago.  This year, I predict no team will do less with less.

Philadelphia: I think people are forgetting that Philadelphia's defense was awful last year.  And even though Nnamdi is great, the Raiders were awful pretty much the whole time he was there. I guess I'm saying I'm not 100% sold on Philly.

Atlanta: I almost picked Atlanta to win the NFC.  I think the South is too tough for them to get a 1 seed and home field in the playoffs, and that's the only reason I think they lose in the championship game. 

Minnesota: I think Minnesota's success this season will mostly depend on whether or not the Favre exorcism really worked. 

Dallas: Last year I picked Dallas to win the East, and they started the season 1-7.  As a great Texan once said, "Fool me once, shame on...shame on you.  Fool me...you can't get fooled again."

Arizona: A few too many eggs in the Kevin Kolb basket for my liking.  Look what happened to Donovan McNabb after he left Philly.  I'm not saying they're the same quarterback, I'm just saying it may be easier to put up good numbers when you're throwing the ball 97% of the time and your running backs are basically props.

Carolina: Cam Newton still has to convince me that he isn't just a more likable JaMarcus Russell.

Seattle: Boooooooooooo!!! (I've actually always liked Tarvaris Jackson, but still)

San Francisco: Speaking of getting fooled again.  Listen, they play in an awful division that I think might somehow be even worse this year, Patrick Willis is still a monster and...well that's all I can think of.  But much like the Texans, this has to happen one of these years, right?

Superbowl Pick
In one of the most fun superbowls I'll ever see, Chargers 34, Packers 28.

Playoff Picks and Random Comments

Before I start with my NFL playoff picks and some other random NFL comments, I'd like to take this opportunity to congratulate the baseball writers on putting Roberto Alomar and Bert Blyleven into the Hall of Fame. It only took them 2 and 14 tries respectively. If you want my extended thoughts on Alomar's case, scroll a few paragraphs down into this thing I wrote right around this time last year:
http://somethingclever13.blogspot.com/2010/01/hot-stove-reloaded.html

OK, so, first a disclaimer. I couldn't be worse at picking football games. I don't know why. This season, I had the redzone network (awesome, by the way. The best TV invention since color. I was so disappointed I couldn't get Direct TV and Sunday ticket in my apartment building, but redzone is like 100 times better, it does the channel flipping for you), so I'm hoping that makes me better informed this time around, but I wouldn't bet on it. Seriously, if anyone reading this is thinking about considering my picks when they bet on the games, you've been warned.

New Orleans vs. Seattle
Prediction: Saints 91, Seahawks 3
OK, OK...91 might be a little high, but I'm hearing people on TV and the radio all week talking about how Seattle has nothing to lose, how they're so tough at home, how this game will be closer than you think. Really? In two home games against playoff teams this year, Seattle got hammered by a combined score of 76-42, and that doesn't even count the 41-7 home loss to the Giants (that's right, and the Giants are watching from home this weekend).

The five home wins? Arizona, Carolina, San Francisco, St. Louis and San Diego (week three, and we all know San Diego doesn't start trying until at least week five). Not exactly murderer's row. I'll take the Saints, and if I did bet on football, you couldn't set the line high enough to keep me away.

Speaking of the NFC West, how many times in one season can I tune into the same NFL team, look at the QB and think "who the f*ck is that guy?" Answer, courtesy of the Arizona Cardinals: Three, and I'm not even counting Derek Anderson. This whole division was a mess. The fact that Seattle gets a home game is a catastrophe. I heard someone on the radio joke that Pete Carroll's Seahawks couldn't win the Rose Bowl this year. I'm not sure they could win the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl.

Baltimore vs. Kansas City
Prediction: Chiefs 27, Ravens 24
Baltimore's defense ain't what it used to be, and unlike Seattle, Kansas City really is tough at home. Their only home loss was last week's inexplicable disaster against Oakland. Either you believe that was a fluke, in which case KC wins this game close, or you believe last week was a sign of things to come, in which case Baltimore wins by 40. I'll take the Chiefs.

Speaking of the AFC West, the legend of Saint Tebow is growing exponentially. Much like god, Christians believe in Tim Tebow's talent even though nobody can actually see it (What?! Don't make that face at me! This isn't one of those times when I say god isn't real, I'm just saying you can't see him, that's what the whole faith thing is all about).

And speaking of the AFC North, can I be the one millionth person to make a joke about how you can't build your team around two aging wide-outs with reality TV shows? Can I be the two millionth person to realize Carson Palmer is completely finished? I just read a story on ESPN.com about how Marvin Lewis had demands the Bengals needed to meet if they wanted him to stay. Seriously? What was his pitch? Just give him five more years and he'll get them to the brink of mediocrity?

Read the above paragraph and smile, because for a while it looked like the Bengals might really be going somewhere, but now I feel confident in saying, the Bengals are back, baby! It really wouldn't be December without the chance to watch the Bengals pathetically limp toward the end of another disappointing season.

Indianapolis vs. New York
Prediction: Jets 31, Colts 23
I don't trust the Jets, and their defense isn't as good as it's supposed to be. Every time a team gets into 3rd and long against the Jets, the commentators tell me how the Jets are the one team you don't want to be in 3rd and long against. Then they blitz 7 guys and give up the first down. Having said that, I really don't like the Colts, and there's just something fishy about Indy this season. They've never looked right.

Speaking of the AFC South, is it just me, or is Jeff Fisher the most overrated coach in any sport? 6 winning seasons out of 16, one superbowl appearance, no championships. What am I missing? He already ruined Vince Young, please fire him before he squanders Chris Johnson's prime.

Philadelphia vs. Green Bay
Prediction: Packers 41, Eagles 31
This was the toughest one. The truth is, I have no idea what Michael Vick is going to do, and neither does anyone else. Could he win this game by himself? You bet your ass he could. But Aaron Rodgers is pretty good too, and while the Green Bay defense should be good enough to slow Vick down a little, I don't see how the Eagles slow Rodgers down.

Speaking of the NFC East and the Eagles, I have no desire to inhabit a world in which Rex Grossman is a better QB than Donovan McNabb, but here we are. I imagine Rex is as surprised as the rest of us. If you're Mike Shanahan, how fast would you take a do-over on taking this job? It's going to be a long however-many years it takes Mike Shanahan to get himself fired in Washington.

And speaking of Pennsylvania football, how often do you think Roger Goodell wakes up in a cold sweat from a nightmare about a Steelers vs. Eagles superbowl? Two weeks of press conferences and stories featuring Michael "big bow wow" Vick and Ben "no means maybe" Roethlisbozo. At least Vick spent some time in jail, but I still understand if some animal rights groups want to come to superbowl week and yell stuff at him. I just hope some people will come yell at the Bozo too.

Maybe if I get a couple of these right I'll do more picks next week, but for now, I still like Green Bay to get to the superbowl if they get past Vick, because I don't trust the Falcons or the Bears. In the AFC, I'm giving up on the Ravens, I can't see a way to pick against New England right now. In fact, I had the Packers winning the whole thing when I made my pre-season picks, but I think I like the Pats now, which probably means they'll find a way to lose to the Jets next week.

Pessimism

Some people are optimists. They see the glass as half-full. They always look at the bright side. Even more people at least try to be optimists. Not me. No matter how much I like something, I can always see the downside. I'm like the opposite of a motivational speaker. I wonder if there's a market for that. Someone to come in and talk to your employees when they're just a little too happy, a little too satisfied. I could be that guy.

Anyway, I bring this up because one of the best days in America's year is coming up. Football's back! We've been waiting for Sunday since February and I'm tired of spending my Sundays watching stock cars drive around in endless circles. I can't wait. But that's Sunday. Today, I'm using my talent for pessimism to point out all the things I hate about this thing I love.

I hate that football starts on a Thursday. Just like baseball starting at night or the WNBA starting ever, football starting on a Thursday makes no sense. Football is for Sundays and Monday night and that's it. If Pierre Thomas wasn't on my fantasy team, I'd boycott tonight's game altogether. And speaking of tonight's game...

I hate Brett Favre. I just want to run up to him and punch him in the stomach. That goes for Peyton Manning and Tim Tebow too. I wish all three of them would retire and get a TV show together that I could never watch. I'm feeling a cop drama. Manning as the by-the-book Sergeant, Favre as the rule-breaking, bad-boy detective who never retires so eventually someone has to shoot him and Tebow as the cocky rookie. This could work. Speaking of Peyton Manning...

I hate the Colts. I'm not 100% sure why. They're just so smug and well-run and annoying. And then they quit on the perfect season last year (and the football gods punished them thoroughly). Maybe it's Manning's fault, I stopped hating the Packers after Favre left.

I hate the Jets' offense. This pre-dates Mark Sanchez and Rex Ryan, it even goes back to previous offensive coordinators. I feel like the Jets' offense has been terrible my whole life. It's like nobody told them the goal is to go forward. Also, in a more recent development, Braylon Edwards can't catch. Somebody on the Jets' coaching staff should probably try to work on that.

I hate that where I live dictates what NFL games I see. This never bothered me in other sports. I had Yankee games my whole life in New York, and who wants non-Yankee baseball anyway. Non-Yankee baseball is like ordering apple pie, only when your pie comes, instead of apples inside, it's the Kansas City Royals. But the regional market thing doesn't work for football in New York for. I've spent my whole life watching awful Jets games and horrible NFC east football. Do you remember when the Giants played the Cardinals twice a year? Unfortunately, I do.

I hate the whole NFL money situation. The non-guaranteed contracts, the hold-outs, the crappy collective bargaining agreement. First of all, a non-guaranteed contract isn't really a contract, is it? They should call them non-binding resolutions like Congress does. Also, what's with the hold-outs? Darrelle Revis held the entire city of New York and everyone at ESPN hostage for like six weeks because he was only supposed to make 1 million dollars this year. I know he's worth more than that, but is only getting paid 1 million dollars really a good enough reason to just stop going to work? (seriously, is it? Because I'd love to not get up for work tomorrow)

Finally, I hate that no one knows what's going on in the NFL from week to week. Sometime this season, I'll start a running back on my fantasy team that everyone says will have a big week, but he'll wind up with 4 carries for -3 yards. Everybody's superbowl pick will probably go 6-10. I know, that's what we love about it too, unpredictability and all. So, with absolutely no confidence, here are my picks for the season.

NFC PLAYOFFS
1: Dallas
2: Green Bay
3: New Orleans
4: San Francisco
5: Atlanta
6: Philadelphia

New Orleans over Philly
San Francisco over Atlanta
Green Bay over New Orleans (but only if this game happens in Green Bay like I'm predicting)
San Francisco over Dallas (big upset, Dallas chokes away a chance to play a home superbowl, Wade Phillips is fired and possibly executed by Jerry Jones immediately following the game)
Green Bay over San Francisco

Random NFC Thoughts
If I owned a sports team, I'd immediately hire Mike Singletary to coach it. It wouldn't even have to be a football team.
It'll be a big day for Philly fans when Kolb takes them to the playoffs while McNabb watches from home. Unfortunately, Andy Reid will still throw the ball approximately 103% of the time and they'll lose eventually.
No playoffs for the Vikings. This Favre thing has to end sometime, and it'll only end when his team has a bad enough season that no one could possibly want him the next season. Fingers crossed for this year everyone.

AFC PLAYOFFS
1: Indianapolis (Boooooooooooo)
2: Baltimore
3: New England
4: Oakland (you heard me!)
5: New York
6: Houston

New England over Houston
New York over Oakland (blowout, total destruction)
New York over Indy (revenge!)
Baltimore over New England (not revenge!)
Baltimore over New York (The phrase Rex bowl or Ryan bowl will be used around 1 million times)

Superbowl: Green Bay over Baltimore

Random AFC Thoughts
I thought people were crazy picking Baltimore until I actually looked at the AFC. The Jets can't score, the Pats can't defend and the Colts always choke eventually unless Rex Grossman is involved.
Some people like the Bengals, and they could go 11-5. They could also go 5-8 and have the entire team spend the last three weeks of the season in prison. I'm staying away.
I think Chris Johnson has another 2000 yard season in him. Speaking of the Titans, I usually hate guys who get labeled as "guys who just win", but I'm kind of buying it with Vince Young. If one of my AFC picks misses, I think the Titans take their spot.
No Steelers. I won't pick the Roethlisbozo. I hope they go 0-16.

Why Can't We Have Nice Things?

Why do we always have to tinker with everything? We always have to try and make everything in sports bigger and better and more profitable. Why can't we ever just have a nice thing and keep it that way?

Two weeks ago the baseball season started. Opening day for baseball is easily one of the best 10 sports days of the year, hands down. But we don't really have opening day anymore, do we? Nope. We have opening Sunday night. This year, we got the Yankees and the Red Sox (because the country hasn't already seen enough of them) on Sunday night in Boston. There's already something crappy about night baseball (as compared to day baseball), starting the season with it is double crappy.

Next Thursday is the first round of the NFL draft. I'll watch, because I'm a man and thus legally required to watch anything NFL-related. Up until this year, the NFL draft was on a weekend, and it was kind of cool. I could never really explain why it was so fascinating, but it was. It was two days of non-stop football, except without any football. It sounds unwatchable, but it was great.

Now? Thursday night is round one, and then Friday is rounds two and three, then Saturday is the rest. What? Why not just have one pick a night every night for the rest of the year? Why not add a few rounds so we have 365 picks and just make it non-stop? Every night, all the time, one NFL pick. How about not televising it at all? Keep all the picks secret until opening week and it's a big surprise for everyone. Sure, you'd have to cancel the pre-season to do that, but no one gives a crap about the pre-season anyway.

And speaking of opening week, don't even get me started on the first week of the NFL. Most people, if they had a time machine, they'd go back and stop John Wilkes Boothe from killing Lincoln, or they'd go kill Hitler before he took power in Germany. Those things would be nice and all, but I might just use my time machine to go back and stop the guy who convinced the NFL that Thursday games are a good idea.

The NHL playoffs used to be on my TV every spring, I loved them. This post-season all I get are Devils' games until they get eliminated. Devils' games! I'd almost rather have no playoff hockey at all. The real playoff games are on some network I don't get and no one had ever heard of before the NHL moved there. The NHL playoffs would be more accessible to me if they played the games on the moon and made me watch through a telescope.

I already wrote something about changing the NCAA tournament. I actually wrote that I agree with adding more teams, and I do, but I still don't understand why we need to screw with something that was already working. "Everyone loves this tournament, other networks don't even bother trying on Thursday and Friday nights in March, people call in sick to work to watch schools they've never heard of play each other, it's perfect. Let's see if we can ruin it".

It's not just sports either. Green Day used to be a pretty cool band. They weren't the best thing out there, but they were certainly listenable. Perfectly adequate corporate punk rock. Like Blink 182, only slightly better because Billie Joe's brother Tim was in Operation Ivy and Rancid. I was a fan. Now there's a Green Day Broadway musical. What an abomination. Every time I see the commercial I want to break a guitar over someone's head.

The answer to this riddle, of course, is money. And I'm fine with that. I like money. Who doesn't like money? I only have one idea for change. I'd like to go to a Yankee game sometime soon in the new stadium. I'd like good seats, because, as much as I love baseball, nothing is worse than sitting in the upper deck trying to watch a game you could have a better look at on TV. Unfortunately, I don't have 5,000 extra dollars laying around. Bummer.

So, my proposal is simple. I think sports should have to pick one or the other. Either keep charging us eleventy billion dollars for tickets, or keep making us put up with this constant tinkering designed to bring in more corporate money, but not both. If I have to watch the NFL draft one round at a time, then I should be able to go to a Jets game for free. If I have to take out a mortgage to go to Yankee Stadium, then I should be able to watch the Yankee game on YES without commercials. I think that's a fair compromise.

And, if sports refuses to give in to my demands, I will keep watching them, because sports are awesome, and I shouldn't complain so much.

Not So Stupid

Sometime last week, the radio told me that college basketball may very well be expanding the NCAA tournament to 96 teams. My first reaction, like most people, was "that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!". Part of me still thinks I may be right about that. First, here's my understanding of how it would work.

Teams would be seeded 1-24 in each region. On the Tuesday and Wednesday before the games usually start, teams 9 and 24 would play each other, 10 and 23, etc etc. Then, the winners of those games would play the top eight seeds and the schedule would continue as it always has.

First of all, why mess with the best sports event in the world. The first Thursday/Friday round of the NCAA tournament is absolutely the best sports we get all year, and it's not even close. If anyone wants to argue the NHL playoffs are better, I'm listening, but you need to get them back on my TV. If anyone wants to argue the world cup is better, go live in South America with the rest of the soccer fans.

This new schedule would definitely take out some of the first week excitement. For example, everyone watched 15 seed Robert Morris almost shock 2 seed Villanova. Under the new system, Robert Morris probably still has that scrappy almost-win, but it happens on Tuesday against the 6th best team in the Big Ten and no one really cares. So that's kind of a bad thing.

More importantly for me, the people who run college basketball are basically the same morons who run college football. The idea of tinkering with the best thing they have (the NCAA tournament) while doing nothing about America's greatest sports abomination (the unforgivable bowl system) makes me want to put all 120 division one college presidents in a room, lock the door and release the hounds, or the bees, or the hounds with bees in their mouths so when they bark they shoot bees at you.

Clearly, I have my concerns. The more I thought about it though, this expansion idea actually started to make more sense. I'm a numbers guy, here's my argument:

The NFL: 32 teams, 12 make the playoffs. That's 37.5%
The NBA: 30 teams, 16 make the playoffs. That's 53.3%
Baseball: 30 teams, 8 make the playoffs. That's 26.7%
The NHL: still at a ridiculous 30 teams, 16 make the playoffs. Also 53.3%
Big Time College Football: 120 teams, 34 bowls for 68 teams. That's 56.7%

Wait, forget about that last one. The college football post-season doesn't count for anything, ever. But I think the rest of it makes a compelling argument.

There are 347 division one basketball teams, and that number will probably keep growing. Currently 65 of those teams make the real tournament, that's only 18.7%. Even 96 teams would only bump it up to 27.7%, barely more than baseball and way less than the other three major sports.

I know, there's also the NIT and CBI tournaments, which would bring the total post-season count for college basketball to 113, or 32.6%. That's still less than everything but baseball. Also, the NIT and CBI don't count and definitely shouldn't keep happening. Congratulations Dayton, you're approximately the 50th best team in your sport this year! Go crazy!

Why not give college basketball more teams in the real post-season? Especially since most college basketball players aren't going to the NBA or any other pro league. This is their only shot at playing in a meaningful playoff game. And for the fans, we get two more days of pretty competitive games. Would you trade a few of the exciting moments from this year's tournament for two whole extra days of games? I feel like I would. You'd have to at least consider it, right?

That Bowl Was Super, Thanks For Asking

Biggest sporting event of the year: Check
Dopey, over-hyped commercials: Double check
Me watching and making fun of it: Another no-brainer

Pre-game highlights? Um...I refuse to watch pre-game shows as a rule. Also, if anything doesn't need nine hours of hype leading up to it, it's the superbowl. So my pre-game viewing consisted of watching other channels until kick-off. The highlight was on Fox News. They were breathlessly covering a U-Haul truck which had been pulled over in Arizona. Supposedly the truck was full of illegal immigrants from Mexico. When the police breached the back of the truck, it was empty. In the immortal words of Kent Brockman, "so, once again, we've been duped". My favorite part was when the anchor said "there could have been dangerous people inside; snipers, drug cartel members, Mexicans". Wait, what was that last one?

My other pre-game comment comes from NBC. After an awesome hockey game (isn't every hockey game an awesome hockey game?), they showed a PGA tour event. My level of interest in golf without Tiger Woods is roughly equal to what my interest level would be in a hockey game without ice or a NASCAR race without gasoline. Note to the PGA: Your sport sucks without Tiger Woods, I don't care if he's a sex maniac, get him back, now.

Hey, am I the only one getting a little tired of hearing the national anthem before everything? (Probably). I don't necessarily need us to stop doing it, or even to change the song around too much, but maybe just an updated version. I nominate Them Crooked Vultures to create it. I could sit through a Zac Brown Band concert if Dave Grohl was on drums. OK, enough stalling, football time.

CBS stole NBC's idea of having the players introduce themselves, but they forgot to steal the best part, so we didn't get to hear Jeremy Shockey or Reggie Wayne tell us they're from "The U". Over/Under on mentions of Dwight Freeney's ankle tonight, 52.5. Saints go three and out on the first possession, not a good omen. Also, the crowd sounds roughly 104% pro-Saints. Good for them, if you weren't already a Colts fan before the season started, there's simply no excuse for not rooting for the Saints.

Jim Caldwell has the blank stare working right from the start. Field goal on the Colts' first possession. Commercials so far; house made of Bud Light; old people playing football, I think they were trying to sell me a Snickers; and Tim Tebow tackling his mom, which apparently had something to do with focus on the family. The kickoff back to the Saints was followed by an awful commercial featuring the '85 Bears, I think they were trying to sell me a cell phone or something.

Finally the Saints get a first down. The Colts are bringing a ton of pressure. I've never gotten the impression that the Saints are a team that can be rattled by pressure, Brees doesn't strike me as that kind of guy. Marques Colston dropped a big play, he's still mourning the loss of the Hofstra football program. The next pass was incomplete after obvious pass interference. Hey Saints! Don't expect too many calls today, you're playing Peyton Manning.

These commercials are awful, I refuse to buy any of these products. If the Colts go 96 yards for a touchdown right here, we may be in for a long night. Two weeks ago, the Saints hit Brett Favre late on almost every play (and hardly ever got called for it, even the NFL is sick of Brett). This week, Peyton Manning looks pretty comfortable so far, but the Saints look like they're getting closer. Hey, where has Joseph Addai been all year? Three good runs on this drive, which is at least three more than I remember seeing from him this season. Touchdown, Manning to Garcon. You could kind of feel that one coming. The Saints defense looks pretty overmatched right now. If the Saints don't start scoring, this could get ugly, like Denver Broncos ugly, even Buffalo Bills ugly.

It's official, I'm never eating Doritos or drinking any Budweiser product again. Ever. I hate these commercials so much. Furthermore, I'd pay $12 to see Jackass 4: Jackass Forever before I'd see this new Robin Hood movie with Russell Crowe. Also, that cars.com commercial was like a lot of my blog posts. It just sort of wandered around for a while making jokes with varying degrees of success and hoping to stumble across a point eventually.

Late hit out of bounds on the Colts and Simms just made a good point; why are these sidelines so crowded? It's like they're playing inside a night club. Good drive working here for the Saints. Even a field goal could maybe get them settled a little. OK, Dwight Freeney just forced a field goal by dragging Drew Brees down with one hand after running over the left tackle. I think his ankle is at least decently functional.

We just learned that Jim Nantz is conversant in the CBS Monday night comedy line-up, that came right after a fantastic commercial for Letterman's show featuring him, Oprah and Leno. Did Jay lose a bet? Then we got an awful Hyundai commercial featuring Brett Favre. Finally a punt from the Colts, the fair catch by Reggie Bush caused the whole stadium to the do the disappointed sigh. Seriously, there may not be any Colts fans in Florida right now.

Brees just threw a rocket to Shockey, but since Jeremy isn't 9 feet tall, that one almost got picked. Brees isn't always great at being careful with the ball, that could be a problem tonight. Another catch for Colston, go Flying Dutchmen! You heard me. Pride? Eff that. What the hell kind of a team name is that? No wonder they had to cut the football program because no one was coming to the games.

I love how we a get "Uuuuuuuu" from the crowd every time Vilma or Shockey makes a play. If I was a big time high school football player, I'd tell all the other colleges to not even bother. The Saints just ran a play that seemed to be designed to lose 7 yards, and it worked perfectly. I guess they needed some more room for the 27 yard pass play that happened next.

Commercials during the two minute warning included the best line of the night so far: "flowers in a box? that's what cigarettes and dead people come in". I like that, what was it a commercial for? I don't know, I guess flowers not in a box. Also, CSI Miami is going to space. Could Emily Procter be even cuter in space than she is on earth? I guess we'll find out.

After the warning, a goal line stuff by the Colts D. A 6+ minute Saints drive gets nothing. Like a swift kick to the groin of every Saints fan. At least the Colts were trapped far enough down field they just decided not to try anything with the football before the half. Three and out for the Colts and it's Reggie Bush time again.

It looks like they're building either a Harry Potter theme park or a Harry Potter section in another theme park. Either way, how did that take so long? I'd have to invent a new number, like say, eleventy billion, to estimate how much money that place could make.

Here's something funny about me. I have almost no ability to feel empathy for other humans, but whenever I see a commercial involving a robot that's supposed to be depressed for some reason, I feel genuinely bad for the robot. What kind of psychopath does that make me? Don't answer that. Anyway, good job by New Orleans of getting a field goal before the half. I thought this was supposed to be a "shoot-out". Football experts everywhere said so. Am I watching the wrong game? Is this some kind of consolation game?

Halftime Comments:
I like The Who, everybody likes The Who, but can we please get some current music. OK, so the awesome Jay-Z/Rhianna/Eminem halftime show would scare the flyover states (and everyone else over 40). How about Kings of Leon, or Green Day, or Pearl Jam, or Velvet Revolver? (provided Scott isn't in jail, or high, or just missing for unexplained reasons, OK you'd need a back-up act if you scheduled Velvet Revolver) Of course, the Velvet Revolver show would end with the surprise GnR reunion. I will keep coming up with GnR reunion ideas until someone takes one and makes it work.

The Saints started the second half with an onsides kick. That's balls right there. After about a two minute scrum for the ball, the Saints come out with it. How awesome was that? 13 out of 10 on the awesome scale. Jim Caldwell's reaction? Blank stare. The Saints reaction? Marching right down the field for their first touchdown. And what does coach Caldwell think of this start to the second half? He thinks it's a good time to stare blankly.

Peyton Manning used to be good for a self-destruction in this kind of situation. Recently though, he's been pretty unflappable. Man, the Colts are just calmly marching right back down the field like nothing even happened. I'm not a Manning fan at all, but that was pretty impressive. They just sliced through the Saints D and took the lead back, completely blunted all the Saints' momentum, stunning, I'm stunned.

We're getting pretty close to adding Coca-cola to the list of products I'm never buying again. It's tougher, because I like Coke, but these commercials are pretty unbearable. Also, they've played Metallica at least three times during highlight packages. Why couldn't we get them for halftime?

The Saints seem to have found a little something here, they're moving down the field again. It's possible the Colts D is getting a little winded, they've been out there quite a bit. Settling for the field goal here doesn't feel great. If I had money on the Saints, I'd be nervous right about now. By the way, I really liked that Google commercial, well done.

"This could only be one place; A tradition like no other; Hide the women because Tiger's coming. The Masters on CBS."

The Saints aren't getting anywhere near Peyton Manning right now. The Colts went for it on 4th&2 and made it look easy. Simms commented "Jim Caldwell isn't afraid to make a bold decision". Really? I don't think I saw Manning even look over at the sideline before going for it. Kudos to the Saints D for stepping up, the Colts were looking unstoppable, then all of a sudden we see a 51 yard field goal try go wide left and the Saints are left with excellent field position.

Did Emerald Nuts and Pop Secret have to pool their money for a superbowl spot? Are they even owned by the same company? Am I supposed to eat them together? That was weird.

Here come the Saints again. I'm not sure the Colts D has much left. Another nice catch by Colston. The dude's pretty good, he must have gone to an awesome college. A Saints TD is looking pretty inevitable right now. I have a prediction, if Shockey scores here, this pro-Saints Miami crowd will completely lose it's collective mind. And there it is. Way to score and work the crowd at the same time. The Saints missed the two point conversion though, that can't be good. That looked close, I might have challenged that. Sean Payton might have challenged it too, and, in fact, he did. That looks like a catch to me, Lance Moore had it for a while before that guy kicked it away. Play overturned, Saints up by seven. Great play by Lance Moore too. That almost makes up for the week he gave my fantasy team a big fat 0.

Five years ago, there's no way Manning pulls off this comeback. Now? I'm terrified for the Saints. I couldn't tell if the green police commercial during the injury timeout was pro-environment or anti-environment, but then we found out it was just pro-car (what kind of car? I already forgot. Volkswagen maybe). And there's the Peyton Manning I remember from my younger and more innocent days. INT returned for a TD by Tracy Porter. 31-17 Saints. No one is going to work in New Orleans tomorrow. No one.

The Saints are spending the last few minutes just trying to hang on and giving up huge chunks of yardage. Stupid late hit penalty stopped the clock. Luckily for the Saints, that was immediately followed by an offensive pass interference penalty that moved the Colts back ten yards and forced them to use a timeout. After a ridiculous run call on 3rd&Goal, incomplete pass on fourth down and it's officially over.

After the first quarter, once the Saints got their heads in the game, this was a pretty hard ass kicking. The Saints dominated the last three quarters of this game. Drew Brees is the pretty obvious MVP. The Gatorade bath guys almost killed a few people on the sideline trying to get the bucket to the coach, but they got it done. There really isn't anything else to say. Solid game, great outcome, crappy commercials. Everything you could ask for in a superbowl.

Dude, Where's My Pro-Bowl?

So, first of all, the superbowl match-up is set. I promised I wouldn't do anymore football picking this year if I couldn't get at least one championship game right, so I'm not picking the superbowl. It would be cruel for me to doom one team to certain defeat by picking them. I actually wound up rooting extra hard for myself to be wrong about the NFC game once the Jets lost. There's just no way I would have been able to watch a Peyton Manning vs. Brett Favre superbowl. None. I would have had to spend next Sunday watching...I don't know, whatever it is women watch during the superbowl. I have to say though, a lot of my pre-game analysis for the championship games was on point, right up until the part where I tried to pick winners.

I said the Jets would have to figure out how to cover the non-Revis side of the field. After about 600 yards from Pierre Garcon and Austin Collie, I think the Jets will be shopping for a new cornerback this off-season. It was unbelievable how poorly the Jets covered those two guys. It's like the Colts had their Madden game set on rookie.

There was a point during the second quarter of that game when I really thought the Jets could win. They were up 17-6 right before the half and the Colts were looking pretty rattled. Then Manning sliced through the Jets defense before halftime and that was pretty much that. Are you telling me you thought the Jets had a chance to hold on in the second half? I don't believe you.

The NFC game was perfect. Vikings driving, seconds left to play, all Favre had to do was take the 5-7 yards in front of him and give the kicker a shot, in a dome. What happened next was absolutely priceless, maybe my favorite football game moment ever. The best part was, anyone watching who knew anything about football knew exactly what was going to happen as soon as Favre started winding up to throw. You could practically hear the entire state of Minnesota screaming "no, NO, NOOOOOOOO!" followed by the entire state of Wisconsin laughing hysterically.

Why, you ask, do I find so much humor in Brett's failure? Well, how about this? After the game, when asked about the possibility of him returning next year, he said that it was "highly unlikely". This will go on forever, your grandchildren will be wondering if Brett Favre is coming back to play the 2087 season opener on the moon.

All of this gave us a fantastic superbowl match-up. The thoroughly likable Saints against the completely contemptible Colts. I won't pick the game, but I'll damn sure be rooting for the Saints. Not only can't I stand Peyton Manning, not only is New Orleans the obvious team to root for here unless you live in Indiana, but the football gods are the only gods I still believe in (stupid Zeus, I prayed to him for years, what do I have to show for it? Not a damn thing! Damn ancient Greeks). If the Colts win after quitting on a perfect season, I'll have nothing to believe in.

Speaking of football, this weekend is the pro-bowl. I've heard lots of different opinions about this, moving the pro-bowl to the week before the superbowl and moving it from Hawaii to the superbowl site. I have to say, I'm a fan of this idea.

First of all, it's not like I could care about the pro-bowl less than I already do. It's not like anyone has to move their big annual pro-bowl party. I've heard some people make the argument that the NFL shouldn't tinker with things while it's doing so well. I understand that idea, but when your all-star game has basically become the who cares bowl, why not try something different. You can't ruin something that's already worthless.

Now, I don't like the idea of having a 0% chance of the superbowl teams' players appearing in the pro-bowl. That problem would really bother me about the new date, except that the chance of that happening previously was about .003%.

I actually heard someone point out that the players don't get to go to Hawaii anymore. Oh, boohoo. I'm sure the incredibly rich guys who get like 7 months off every year can find the time and money to somehow get to Hawaii.

Most importantly, I think the new date is a great piece of scheduling. If there's one thing I've always hated about the NFL, it's the random week off between the rest of the season and the superbowl. It was easily my least favorite thing about football that isn't an over-hyped quarterback. I think a lot of people really want football that week. I've never watched the pro-bowl before, I'd always moved on to other sports in my head. It was like having a hockey game in August. This weekend, I'm watching the pro-bowl, because it's still football season, and that's what you do during football season, you watch football.

J...E...T...S JETS! JETS! JETS!

I was thinking I should probably just give up on picking football games. I'm awful at it. I was 1-3 last weekend and the one I got right only happened because I had to pick one team in a Saints-Cardinals game where I had no confidence in either team. So here's the deal. I'm picking the championship games. I thought maybe if i actually think about the games for a couple of minutes before I pick them, I might do better. And if I can't get at least one of these right, I'm never picking a football game again. At least not until next season.

First Up, Vikings at Saints
Saints Overview: I really don't know what to make of the Saints. They looked awful in their last three games, I mean really awful, losing to Tampa awful. Then they came out last week and just pounded the Cardinals. It was merciless. Even worse, nobody ever knows what to make of the Cardinals, so I don't know how to factor last week's game. I really thought the Saints had peaked, now I'm not so sure. They're like the Will Ferrell of football teams. I was sure that Anchorman was his prime, his finest hour. Since then each movie has been a little bit worse. I was convinced he'd never make a great movie again. Then, I saw his cameo in The Goods. Now, I think maybe he's got something left, I don't know what's next. Will Ferrell could still never make another good movie, or he could have one or two more classics left in him. I have no idea. That's how I feel about the Saints, I have no idea.

Keys For The Saints: They have to force Brett Favre to turn the ball over. Brett is like an alcoholic when it comes to turnovers. If he stays mistake free, then he's fine. But if you get him to make one early mistake, he goes on a binge like a college kid on his 21st birthday. He can't help himself, especially in the playoffs.

Also, whoever was wearing Reggie Bush's uniform last week, make sure you get him back for this one. Seriously, where has that guy been since he got drafted? Watching the Saints-Cardinals game last week, you could watch Reggie Bush and think "there's no way that guy's team loses".

Vikings Overview: The Vikings looked really solid against Dallas and even better against the Giants in week 17. I like everything about the Vikings except Favre (I think Favre is French for "look at me! look at me!"). And really, I only dislike Favre as a personality, his quality on the field is hard to argue with this season. Minnesota can run the ball, play defense and throw the ball to a number of excellent receivers. It's hard to find a hole there.

Keys For The Vikings: Stop the run, force the Saints to be one-dimensional and then pound Drew Brees like a bass drum. This defense terrorized Tony Romo last week, Tony was in full tantrum mode by the third quarter. It's possible he was actually crying at some point. It won't be quite so easy to rattle Brees, but it's doable. A day full of sacks and knock-downs equals a Viking victory.

Also, Antoine Winfield. There were times when he looked awful this year. In Minnesota's OT loss to Chicago, he got torched on the last play by some guy who should be playing in the CFL. It was unreal. If the bye week helped Antoine get healthier, I think he can shut down one side of the field and help keep Brees in check. If he's the same guy he was in Chicago, he'll spend the night being Drew's pinata.

Who Am I Rooting For? Saints, 100%. First of all, it would be fantastic for that city to see it's team get to the Superbowl. Second, the Saints are a much more likable team and way more fun to watch. Most importantly, I would pay almost any amount of money to not have to listen to two weeks of Brett Favre going back to the Superbowl stories. This will be unbearable, and I don't know anyone outside of Minnesota who would disagree with that.

Who Am I Picking? Sadly, I like the Vikings. I trust the Vikings' defense a lot more than the Saints' defense. New Orleans has a slightly better offense, but it's not that much better. The one thing that would scare me about picking the Vikings here is the fact that the game is in New Orleans. I told you about Favre being a turnover alcoholic, and the hostile crowd won't help with that, but I think Minnesota runs well early, Favre stays sober and they put the Saints away. Vikings 27, Saints 20.

Next, Jets at Colts
Colts Overview: Something about the Colts always makes me uncomfortable. They have a handful of great players, but they don't really have overwhelming talent. I've never been sold on the Colts defense. This year isn't any different. Tony Dungy is gone and I'm not sure Jim Caldwell has the power of speech. They won a lot of close games against pretty average teams. Plus, they quit on an undefeated season, which I still say means the football gods have something really terrible in mind for them. On the other hand, they were the best team in the AFC this year, so there's that.

Jets Overview: The Jets are a weird team. I can't stand watching their offense, but every once in a while something great happens and it's shocking. They have a defense that stops people, but doesn't force a ton of turnovers and has a tendency to fold at the end of games. Jets fans should be a little worried about that last part. Even last week, they didn't really stop the Chargers late. San Diego scored, then the Jets' offense was able to get a couple of big first downs and keep the ball until the clock ran out. I don't know what happens last week if the Chargers get the ball back, and I think Jets fans should be glad we never found out. Plus, the Jets were awful in the middle of the season. If the mid-season disaster Jets show up Sunday, this game gets ugly fast.

Keys For The Colts: Stop the Jets from running the ball all over the place, make Mark Sanchez throw the ball a lot and feast on the mistakes. That one is super obvious and easier said than done, but it's still what they need to do. The Colts also need to find a way to run the ball. It's not impossible against the Jets, and if they don't do it, the Jets will find a way to create problems for Peyton Manning and his passing game.

Also, try not to quit in the middle of the game. I know this is tough for the Colts, especially if they're winning, they're big on quitting. But really, they have to actually, ya know, try the whole time. If they beat the Jets, they get two whole weeks to rest before the next game.

Keys For The Jets: I think the biggest key for the Jets is coverage. Sure, Reggie Wayne might find himself on Revis Island this week, and maybe they can bracket Dallas Clark with a linebacker (Harris or Scott) and a safety (Rhodes if he's healthy). But what about the other side? What's to stop Pierre Garcon and Austin Collie from doing what many number 2 receivers have done against the Jets this year, run circles around Lito Sheppard. What happened to Lito, anyway? Has he been playing with two broken legs? If they can find a way to keep Manning from destroying the non-Revis parts of the secondary, they'll be in pretty good shape.

Also, if the Jets are down at the half, I say they send Rex Ryan into the Indy locker room to flash Peyton Manning. Wouldn't Peyton be paralyzed with terror for the next couple of hours, at least? I'm not calling this plan A, I'm just saying it can work if they run out of options.

Who Am I Rooting For? Obviously, I'm rooting for the Jets. First, I'm a New York guy. I'm not an active fan of every New York team, but I never root against a New York team unless it's playing another New York team I like more. Second, I've never liked the Colts, and watching them quit in week 16 didn't help. Most importantly, Peyton Manning may be my least favorite legitimately great athlete of all time. There's just something about him that makes me want to punch him in the stomach every time I see him on TV (which, by the way, is like every 4 minutes). I can't be the only one who feels that way, right?

Who Am I Picking? Tough one, close game, but I like the Jets. I don't care how many Superbowls he wins, I still think Peyton Manning is soft. The Jets' defense might not sack him a lot, but they'll hit him. The Colts' run defense is not that good, and the Jets will just keep pounding the run at them. Jets 21, Colts 17. I think that includes a defensive or special teams score from the Jets.

If I'm right, we get two weeks of Brett vs. the Jets stories, and I can't guarantee that won't force me to kill myself, or at least try to put myself into a two-week coma. But I'm a team player, and I picks em how I sees em.

Hello!?!

Herm Edwards, while coaching the Jets in 2002, said that the greatest thing about sports is this. "You play to win the game. Hello!?! You play to win the game!" Herm's just the best, I don't know why he isn't still coaching (something about his teams always being mediocre and never winning anything, you say? Whatever, that describes half the coaches in the NFL). This is easily one of the top five sports quotes of all time, and you can't tell me any different. We'll get back to Herm in a minute.

There are 365 days in a year. I think the best way to get through life is to try and find something that can make each day tolerable. 17 Sundays a year, the NFL gets the job done with room to spare. All the games, plus the added fantasy football fun, football rules. It always leaves you with a nice feeling of satisfaction before the beginning of the work week (unless your team loses, then screw football and everyone involved in it, but not really, because it was still fun to watch). But, after week 16, I mainly felt annoyance, even a certain elevated level of contempt. There were three reasons.

For the purposes of today's post, I'll be grading my level of annoyance at each game I mention on my scale of 1 to Laura Ingraham. 1 being barely annoying enough to notice and Laura Ingraham being so annoying I could punch a baby every time I see her and not even feel bad about it because if the baby knew who she was, the baby would understand.

The day ended with the Washington Redskins pulling a total no-show against Dallas. This gets a 2.5 on the Laura Ingraham Annoyance Scale (or, if you prefer, you can use the acronym, IGNORANT. Wait, is that right? I'm terrible at acronyms). Just a pathetic disaster of a performance all the way around. At no point in that game did I believe Washington had any chance to win. Even worse, this was the second week in a row this happened to the Redskins, both on national TV. I'm not sure we should even let them play their last game.

I might not have been annoyed by this at all if it was just a game, because I think Washington was at least trying. But, for one thing, the Redskins aren't some upstart franchise, Washington is a serious NFL team. Also, it was the only game on at the time, on the Sunday between Christmas and New Years, which means there was absolutely nothing else to watch. So I just had to sit there and live through it. I would rather watch a porno starring Oprah and Dr. Phil than see another Redskins game this season. The only silver lining for Washington? Herm would be OK with their performance, they played to win the game, they were just terrible at it.

Earlier in the day, The Giants tried to hang in the playoff race with a home win against the Carolina Panthers. They started the game with a good drive, fumbled away a chance to score first, and then completely quit. This gets a 6 from me. I was noticeably annoyed watching this game. The Giants looked genuinely surprised to find that the Panthers were actually trying to beat them. The Giant coaching staff showed no ability to steady and re-focus the team. It was like watching a car accident in slow motion. I heard LT, who was there for the last Giant home game at Giant Stadium, left at halftime. Also, when Madison Hedgecock dropped a meaningless touchdown pass, costing my fantasy team 4 points from Eli, I almost punched a hole clean through my couch.

This performance by the Giants was an embarrassment. I've said here before that I don't like the Giants one bit, but they're still a New York team (sort of) and when they embarrass New York like that, it just makes me like them less. I'm not sure how Herm would feel about this one. I think the Giants showed up intending to play to win the game, but they seemed to abandon that plan pretty quickly.

Finally, the Colts. The Colts get a solid 9.5 on my annoyance scale, only missing the full Laura Ingraham because I think the football gods will punish them and that will make me happy. The Colts should be ashamed of themselves, Colts fans should be ashamed, really anyone who ever watched a Colts game, or drove through Indianapolis, or ever rode a horse should be at least little ashamed.

Now, I like the Jets, and I'm glad they might get into the playoffs. So there's a part of me that says I shouldn't complain, and Jets fans definitely shouldn't complain. I also realize there's an argument to be made for resting guys and avoiding injuries. Having said all that, if you watched the game, you know what you saw. You saw a 14-0 team getting booed at home. You saw a back-up quarterback getting thrown into a situation he clearly had no chance of handling. You saw the Jets defense go all Chuck Norris for a half (their chief export was pain). You saw an NFL team make a conscious decision to not win a game.

Even worse, this decision was made prior to the beginning of the game. The Colts decided, at some point before the game started, that they were going to pull Peyton Manning and basically forfeit (both the game and the perfect season) at some point in the third quarter, regardless of the game situation. The rest of the game was hard to watch, and this is coming from someone who wanted to see the Jets win. Curtis Painter will need years of therapy. Colts coach Jim Caldwell, who may or may not be an inanimate object, should be getting his ass kicked by the football gods for the rest of his career. Peyton Manning, who I still think has to take special medicine so he doesn't cry like a little girl every time he gets hit, actually came out looking like the real man on the Colts sideline, because it at least sort of seemed like he wanted to stay in.

Hello!?! You play to win the game! You don't just play to play, you play to win the game! I say the Colts should be forced to play Curtis Painter for the entire 2nd half of every playoff game. Either that or we give their playoff spot to a team that hasn't stopped trying at any point this season. I know a lot of teams will rest guys this week, and no one will complain. It seems hypocritical, but if you watched the Jets game last week, you know what I'm talking about. It just felt wrong.