Little Things

Why is it that the NHL seems to be able to nail all the little things, but is completely incapable of getting any of the big things right?  Tonight I watched game 7 between the Rangers and Senators (I tried to watch the Panthers/Devils game 7 too, but I just couldn't bring myself to care so I did this instead).  At the beginning of the game was the traditional singing of the anthems, for both the United States and Canada (because, apparently, Ottawa is the capital of Canada.  How adorable, they have a capital and a song and everything). 

Did they get some idiot-ass pop star to sing the anthems?  Or some stupid little kid?  Hell no!  It was some grumpy-looking old dude who looked like he should be taking your hat at the Bada Bing.  Nailed it!  The NHL gets a lot of these little things right.  New rules to make the game better after the lock-out, overtime shoot-outs so sports fans never have to endure another tie (unless Bud Selig decides to ruin another all-star game, or unless you count soccer fans as sports fans, which I obviously don't), the way Canadian announcers pronounce the name Hossa.  Nailed!  Nailed!  Nailed!

You could argue that rule changes were a big thing, but then that would ruin my whole premise so shut up please.  All of these good little things just serve to infuriate me more when they screw up the big things.  Like, why would you allow your playoffs to be scheduled in such a way that two of your game sevens have to go head to head with the first round of the NFL draft?  The one night between the superbowl and September when the NFL comes back to completely dominate sports TV.  Even if you went up against the 2nd and 3rd rounds you'd have a fighting chance.  Nobody cares about those anyway. 

Quick sidenote, what's with the NFL's hard-on for Thursdays?  I loved the old Saturday-Sunday drafts.  They went on forever, the whole second day with the B team commentators was hilarious, it was just a fun weekend.  Now, the draft starts on Thursday, which meant I had to try flipping back and forth between fantastic episodes of Community and 30 Rock and the draft just to keep up with what was going on.  Who knows how many idiotic things Chris Berman said that I'll never get to hear.  I flipped over once and caught the end of him screaming incoherently, but about what?  I'll never know...I'll NEVER know.

Plus, we're heading toward a season in which we have Thursday games almost every week.  Thursday games are the worst.  They ruin my fantasy team and the games themselves are always terrible because the players are all only half-healed from the week before.  WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH ROGER GODDELL AND THURSDAYS???  I hate this shit more than anything else in sports right now!  Where was I?

Oh yeah, hockey.  See?  The NHL can't even keep my attention for more than three paragraphs, and I love hockey.  Playoff scheduling isn't the only problem.  Why do they continue to insist upon wearing dark jerseys at home now?  I hate that almost as much as I hate Thursday football.  It doesn't look right and it never will.  How stupid did it look in Phoenix when the crowd did the white-out for playoff games (awesome gimmick, by the way), but the home team was wearing red?  Very stupid, is the answer to my query. 

And why is there still a team in Phoenix anyway? or San Jose? or Anaheim? or Tampa? or Miami? or Carolina? or Columbus, OH (the fact that I have to add OH there because otherwise you wouldn't know what I was talking about because nobody gives a shit about Columbus except Ohio State fans pretty much illustrates my point).  I could go on and on. 

The point is, I don't see why the NHL can't fix these problems.  Move the San Jose team to Quebec.  Combine the Anaheim and Columbus franchises and move them to Saskatoon or Regina (I feel like they should call the team the Saskatoon Saskatoons).  Move the Florida Panthers to Seattle (seriously, why hasn't Seattle ever had a hockey team?  Is it too close to Vancouver?  What am I missing?).  Move Carolina back to Hartford (obviously).  Move the Phoenix team to some other city in Ontario.  I honestly believe Ontario could support 8 NHL teams if we asked them to.

Then, you just let them wear white at home, like they're supposed to, and try not to schedule your best games when nobody is watching.  How hard is that?  I guess what I'm saying is, I would enjoy being King of the NHL (which is a better title than commissioner, which is obviously useless), and they should probably hire me now.  Gary Bettman can have my job if he wants it.

I Know

I know I need more hockey in my life.
I know I could train a chimp to do the job of a baseball manager.
I know my chimp-managed team would win at least 90% of the games it would have won with a regular human manager.
I know some team should try that soon.
I know the Raiders releasing Jamarcus Russell doesn't really qualify as news.
I know Joe McKnight in the 4th round was the steal of the NFL draft.
I know Santonio Holmes has elite talent.
I know Ladainian Tomlinson can still find the end zone, even though
I know he can't get there as quickly as he used to.
I know the Jets replaced the awful work of Lito Sheppard with a really good trade and a first round draft pick.
I know the Jets look just good enough to totally crush their fans next season.
I know "los Suns" is not how you say "the Suns" in Spanish.
I know if we really wanted to keep illegal immigrants from Mexico out of the country, we'd stop lining the boarder with our stupidest states.
I know the Jazz can't beat the Lakers, but
I know the Spurs can.
I know there's is a 0% chance of me seeing Sex and the City 2, and
I know there are some undeniable benefits of being single.
I know you get tazzzzzed if you run onto the field in Philadelphia.
I know Philly fans have been collectively asking for it since about 1968.
I know I should actually say tasered, but the z's add some onomatopoetic value.
I know if you don't want to be tasered, you should just stay in your seat and not be a douchebag.
I know anyone who thinks that cop did something wrong should be tasered.
I know the Baltimore Orioles should try tasering some of their players, it couldn't hurt.
I know pimpin' ain't easy, but
I know it's necessary.
I know I still don't care about the world cup, and
I know ESPN can't make me.
I know Ubaldo Jimenez is leading the National League in ERA.
I know it's not a fluke.
I know the Hartford Whalers should move back to Hartford.
I know people here in Connecticut think college sports are real sports, and
I know they also think all the pizza here doesn't taste like crap.
I know the Red Sox will get a lot better, and
I know they'll probably still finish third.
I know Lebron James has an elbow booboo, because he is apparently also the king of passive-aggressive whining.
I know the chances of Lebron playing for the Knicks next season are roughly equivalent to the chances of me playing for the Knicks next season.
I know Steve Nash is almost as overrated as John Stockton was. You heard me.
I know I'd take Allen Iverson over either one of those guys.
I know Floyd Mayweather Jr. is an even better fighter than you think he is.
I know once you grow up, Cinco de Mayo is just another crappy day.
I know the same can be said for Thursday nights.
I know Dwight Howard should spend less time bitching about the refs and more time practicing free throws.
I know the refs wouldn't foul Lebron James out of a playoff game if he carried a baseball bat onto the court with him and committed six aggravated assaults.
I know Lebron hasn't accomplished anything that should make him more special than Dwight.
I know NASCAR is far more watchable than it has a right to be.
I know hockey needs to get back on ESPN, like right now. Seriously, I just went down the list in my head of sports, pseudo-sports, games or anything else that might be considered a sport-like competition. I was trying to find the next most popular thing, after hockey, that I never see happening on ESPN. You know how far I got? Chess! Come on!
I know the Red Wings can come all the way back against San Jose.
I know they probably won't.
I know we need more Canadian hockey teams.
I know everyone should be watching ESPN's 30 for 30 series.
I know you can't win a championship if Dirk Nowitzki is your best player.
I know Barry Zito is 5-0 with a 1.49 ERA.
I know I would have bet everything I have against ever typing that last sentence.
I know horse racing is stupid.
I know Tiger Woods is still the best golfer in the world.
I know I'm sick and tired of these monkeyfightin' snakes on this monday-to-friday plane.
I know we're 27 games in and I still can't look at Nick Johnson's mustache without laughing.
I know David Ortiz is done.
I know I thought that this time last year too.
I know the Orlando Magic haven't lost a playoff game yet.
I know cheerleaders would work for baseball.
I know satan wasn't really sent to hell by god, he's just hiding there from Chuck Norris.
I know the Knicks are still an embarrassment, and
I know Isaiah Thomas should never be allowed back into New York City under any circumstances.
I know being a Yankee fan means I'm supposed to love Joe Torre and Derek Jeter, and
I know I just can't do it.
I know nothing about cricket.
I know Jimmy Clausen was the best QB in the draft.
I know hockey needs more fighting and less warm weather.
I know I need less warm weather too.
I know Mike Tyson doesn't get enough credit for how good he was in his prime.
I know Larry Holmes doesn't either.
I know MTV invented reality television as we know it.
I know MTV should be punished somehow for that, no fine would be too big.
I know Herm Edwards would make a good college coach.
I know it's hard to hold a candle in the cold November rain.
I know teams shouldn't be allowed to change their jerseys/logos without some kind of fan approval process.
I know Stephen Strasburg is the real deal.
I know the Nationals will find a way to screw it up.
I know I still like the Blackhawks to win the cup.
I know this turned out better than I thought it would.

Re-Mixed Bag

There's a lot going on in the sports world these days, but nothing I feel like writing a whole lot about. So, let's try another round of made-up questions from made-up readers.

Q: You're always going on and on about how great hockey is, so how come no hockey playoff picks? - Homer, Springfield.
A: Honestly, I'm just bitter about not being able to see the playoffs on TV. If I had made picks, I would have picked the Blackhawks over the Sabres in six. I like Buffalo because they've got the best goaltender. As for Chicago, I watched almost every Olympic hockey game. Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane were the two best non-goaltenders in that tournament. They both play in Chicago.

Q: Any thoughts on Sam Bradford going number one in the NFL draft yesterday? - George J., the future.
A: I can't believe the Rams didn't take Ndamukong Suh. That's going to wind up being a HUGE mistake, an Oden/Durant level mistake. If you don't believe me, just ask the pile of bodies Suh left on the field after every Nebraska game last year. That dude is a monster, QB's in the NFC North better starting running now.

PS...I demand that Fox use Johnny Cash's A Boy Named Sue at least once during every Lions' game next year. I demand it.

PPS...yes, Greg Oden is the new Sam Bowie. Congratulations to Portland for making the exact same mistake twice. That really takes...umm...what's the oppostive of savvy.

Q: The Denver Broncos took Tim Tebow with the 25th pick in the NFL draft. Do you think that was a bad idea? - Eric, South Park, CO.
A: Bad idea? Trying to hook up with a stripper is a bad idea. Driving to the store to get cigarettes when you're so drunk that you want cigarettes even though you don't smoke is a bad idea. Tim Tebow in the first round was a terrible idea. Denver just blew a 1st round pick on a guy that will never be a starting quarterback in the NFL. Ever. Congratulations Broncos fans, I hope you enjoy the white Tommy Frazier, or as he was formerly known, Eric Crouch.

Q: If your favorite NFL team needed a QB, would you want them to give up some high draft picks for Ben Roethlisberger? - Peter, Quahog, RI.
A: Honestly, no. I'm not usually someone who cares about character, but the Roethlisbozo is a meat-head frat boy who doesn't appear to have the ability or the inclination to grow up. It's not like this is his first stupid incident. I have no confidence that this will be his last conduct suspension, so I'd stay away.

Q: You're a New York guy. Can you give me a good reason Mets' fans shouldn't all kill themselves? - Lion-o, ummm, I don't know where the Thundercats were from, my childhood?
A: Actually, I can, no fooling. Mike Pelfrey. I've seen every Pelfrey start this year, and this doesn't look like a hot start or a fluke to me. Pelfrey looks to be in total control out there, he looks like he figured something out. I think he'll finish the year with an ERA right around 3 and 15-18 wins. Considering how young he is, I think that's enough for Mets' fans to put down the cyanide. Come on, put it down. There you go.

Q: After almost completely leaving him out of all of your baseball previews, what are your thoughts about Jason Heyward? - Stan, Langley Falls, VA.
A: He's like a cross between Barry Bonds, Jesus and Superman. Seriously though, I'm pretty impressed. I can't wait for him to become a Yankee. Maybe we should trade Nick Swisher now just to make room.

Q: What's the most surprising thing about the baseball season so far? - Stewie, Quahog, RI.
I'd have to say it's the Red Sox. They really look awful. It's early, and Boston has the pieces to add players if they need to, but Tampa and the Yankees both look like 100-win teams. Boston can't afford to get too far back. If the Sox can't get it going, we could see the rare May trade.

Q: You picked the Washington Wizards to make it to the second round of the NBA playoffs. Is that the stupidest thing you've ever said? - Stan, South Park, CO.
A: I may have said something stupider at some point in my life, but it has to be the stupidest thing I've ever put in writing. In my defense, many players who started the year in Washington have a solid chance of going to the second round, maybe even further.

Q: Any thoughts on the Masters? - Pinky and the Brain, some kind of science lab.
A: I was rooting for Tiger for four days, right up until Phil won and hugged his wife and I remembered that Mickelson stuck by his wife when she got cancer and Tiger had sex with anything that moved. I guess what I'm saying is, hooray for Phil!

Q: Now that the playoffs have started, how are you feeling about your NBA picks? - Cleveland, Stoolbend, VA.
A: Pretty good. If you take out my previously mentioned disastrous Wizards prediction, I actually did a decent job, including being dead on about the Durants giving the Lakers a hard time in a first round series. I still like my Spurs-Magic finals, too.

I know the Spurs are a 7 seed, but I think they can roll past the Mavs and whoever they get in round two. I know the Lakers are still the favorite, but I've watched all three of their playoff games, something just looks off. The Spurs have the look of a team that's putting it together at the right time.

Then there's the Magic. I'd love to see the Bulls find a way to take four games from Cleveland, but it's probably not going to happen. I'm sure we're heading for the inevitable Magic-Cavs conference final. Betting on Vince Carter is basically like playing a slot machine, but I'm sticking with my pick. Magic over the Hype Kings in six.

Why Can't We Have Nice Things?

Why do we always have to tinker with everything? We always have to try and make everything in sports bigger and better and more profitable. Why can't we ever just have a nice thing and keep it that way?

Two weeks ago the baseball season started. Opening day for baseball is easily one of the best 10 sports days of the year, hands down. But we don't really have opening day anymore, do we? Nope. We have opening Sunday night. This year, we got the Yankees and the Red Sox (because the country hasn't already seen enough of them) on Sunday night in Boston. There's already something crappy about night baseball (as compared to day baseball), starting the season with it is double crappy.

Next Thursday is the first round of the NFL draft. I'll watch, because I'm a man and thus legally required to watch anything NFL-related. Up until this year, the NFL draft was on a weekend, and it was kind of cool. I could never really explain why it was so fascinating, but it was. It was two days of non-stop football, except without any football. It sounds unwatchable, but it was great.

Now? Thursday night is round one, and then Friday is rounds two and three, then Saturday is the rest. What? Why not just have one pick a night every night for the rest of the year? Why not add a few rounds so we have 365 picks and just make it non-stop? Every night, all the time, one NFL pick. How about not televising it at all? Keep all the picks secret until opening week and it's a big surprise for everyone. Sure, you'd have to cancel the pre-season to do that, but no one gives a crap about the pre-season anyway.

And speaking of opening week, don't even get me started on the first week of the NFL. Most people, if they had a time machine, they'd go back and stop John Wilkes Boothe from killing Lincoln, or they'd go kill Hitler before he took power in Germany. Those things would be nice and all, but I might just use my time machine to go back and stop the guy who convinced the NFL that Thursday games are a good idea.

The NHL playoffs used to be on my TV every spring, I loved them. This post-season all I get are Devils' games until they get eliminated. Devils' games! I'd almost rather have no playoff hockey at all. The real playoff games are on some network I don't get and no one had ever heard of before the NHL moved there. The NHL playoffs would be more accessible to me if they played the games on the moon and made me watch through a telescope.

I already wrote something about changing the NCAA tournament. I actually wrote that I agree with adding more teams, and I do, but I still don't understand why we need to screw with something that was already working. "Everyone loves this tournament, other networks don't even bother trying on Thursday and Friday nights in March, people call in sick to work to watch schools they've never heard of play each other, it's perfect. Let's see if we can ruin it".

It's not just sports either. Green Day used to be a pretty cool band. They weren't the best thing out there, but they were certainly listenable. Perfectly adequate corporate punk rock. Like Blink 182, only slightly better because Billie Joe's brother Tim was in Operation Ivy and Rancid. I was a fan. Now there's a Green Day Broadway musical. What an abomination. Every time I see the commercial I want to break a guitar over someone's head.

The answer to this riddle, of course, is money. And I'm fine with that. I like money. Who doesn't like money? I only have one idea for change. I'd like to go to a Yankee game sometime soon in the new stadium. I'd like good seats, because, as much as I love baseball, nothing is worse than sitting in the upper deck trying to watch a game you could have a better look at on TV. Unfortunately, I don't have 5,000 extra dollars laying around. Bummer.

So, my proposal is simple. I think sports should have to pick one or the other. Either keep charging us eleventy billion dollars for tickets, or keep making us put up with this constant tinkering designed to bring in more corporate money, but not both. If I have to watch the NFL draft one round at a time, then I should be able to go to a Jets game for free. If I have to take out a mortgage to go to Yankee Stadium, then I should be able to watch the Yankee game on YES without commercials. I think that's a fair compromise.

And, if sports refuses to give in to my demands, I will keep watching them, because sports are awesome, and I shouldn't complain so much.