Restoring Sanity

The dynamic Stewart/Colbert duo are holding their rally to restore sanity this weekend. I'm not sure a big crazy rally is the best way to restore sanity. And I'm not sure doing it on a Saturday afternoon is the best way to get ratings. I'm also not sure I'm going. Actually, I'm sure I'm not going. I'm a fan of those guys, but I'm not a "drive seven hours to Washington on a Saturday to be at a rally I could watch on TV" kind of fan, ya know? There are only three things I'd get up at 7AM and drive to D.C. for:
1) Guns n Roses reunion
2) For some reason, they've decided to make me the President
3) Another Guns n Roses reunion

By the way, I think it's worth noting that when we talk about restoring sanity, we're really talking about relative sanity. The sanity of a time when oral sex was an impeachable offense. Not exactly totally sane, but way better than now. I mean, at least they didn't succeed in getting rid of President Clinton. If President Obama was caught with an intern, he'd be out of there faster than Joe Biden could say "oh god! I'm really not up for this! NOOOOOOOOO!".

Anyway, in my mind, there's only one way to restore sanity. Vote. Why? Because the lunatics always vote, in large numbers. I can only think of two ways we could keep the tea people from voting.
1) An all-day Tim McGraw and Toby Keith concert. This sounds like something we could do until you remember that Tim and Toby are on the tea people's side.
2) Shiny objects. This would also work in theory, but there are millions of them. If the rest of us spent next Tuesday distracting the tea people with shiny objects, then nobody would vote. At that point, Congress would have to declare a do-over or something.

I plan on driving almost two hours to vote. I'm not registered to vote yet in my new home state, so I'm driving all the way to southern Connecticut on election day to vote against Linda McMahon. I'm not calling shenanigans on myself for voting in a different state than I just moved to because, as I've previously written, Congress makes the laws for everyone and we all have to deal with their nonsense. I won't vote for Governor or state elections down there, I promise.

Why vote against Linda McMahon? BECAUSE SHE'S THE F*CKING WRESTLING LADY! That's why. I know the tea people are all about new faces and hating career politicians, but there's actually something to be said for having Senators that, ya know, know something about governing and public policy. I'd be the first person to argue that a former CEO could make a good President, Governor or Mayor. Those jobs are also chief executive positions, Senator is a totally different skill set.

So, as much as I'd enjoy tuning into CSPAN one evening next year and seeing Senator McMahon turn on Joe Lieberman by hitting him with a steel chair while Jim Ross declares the day's Senate session a "slobberknocker", I'm voting for the other guy. You can't go from drinking beers with Stone Cold Steve Austin and kicking guys in the groin to the Senate. I'm sure that's in the Constitution somewhere.

The great thing about election day is it's the one day we all really have an equal say. For months before the election, all the influence sits with the big campaign donors and the media outlets that are in the bag for one side or the other. But on election day, everybody gets one vote, and that's it (unless you live in Chicago). And if 75% of the country is not crazy, and we all vote, then logic dictates we should wind up with a relatively sane government.

But that isn't what happens. Instead, all the crazy people vote and most of the rest of us don't bother, especially when there's no Presidential election. The result? Crazy elections with crazy results. There's no way 50% of all the people in Michele Bachmann's district actually like her, it's impossible, she's certifiable. But the crazies all vote for her, and everyone else stays home. Next thing you know, some guy on MSNBC is telling me she might be the next Speaker of the House (that just happened on my TV, I swear) and I'm trying to find out how much a house in Ontario would cost me.

That's my 2010 midterm voting slogan. "Get off your ass and vote for the least crazy person you can find, because you never know who could be the next Bachmann". It has a nice ring to it.

PS...this is a mostly unrelated side note that doesn't have a whole lot to do with anything, but I need to get this off my chest. I watch about 10 minutes of news in the morning while I'm transitioning from asleep to awake enough to drive to work. I usually flip between Fox and MSNBC. I don't have much to say about the MSNBC show, it's just sort of there, which is really what a morning show should be. I'm not really in the mood for learning at 8AM.

On the other hand, Fox and Friends is absolutely the stupidest show on TV. I've decided it has to be intentional. There's no way three people could actually be that stupid, they would have burned the studio down by now. It's like listening to three 2nd graders complain about their teacher. In fact, I'm pretty sure I heard one of them called the President a doodyhead this morning (I could be wrong, I told you I'm half-awake while I watch). It's infuriating, but I can't look away sometimes. It's just so dumb, like a double rainbow of stupidity.

I still watch Glenn Beck sometimes too. He's so far removed from reality at this point I actually kind of feel bad for him. I guess what I'm saying is, I may have to ask my cable company to block Fox from my TV because I don't have the will power to turn it off myself, but I'm pretty sure it's going to break my brain soon.

Promises, Promises

I've decided to run for Congress. Maybe the House, maybe the Senate. Hell, maybe both. I've been watching election coverage for the last two or three months (it feels like about 13 years) and these people are idiots. I could totally wipe the floor with them, but I'm going to need some campaign promises, so here goes.

First of all, I'll take money from anyone. You hear me? ANYONE! Karl Rove, George Soros, nefarious foreign entities, illegal aliens, space aliens, Kermit the Frog, anyone. And I'll take it whenever. During the campaign, while I'm in office, after I've resigned in shame over a scandal (campaign promise 1B, I promise to resign in shame over a scandal. You'll never see it coming, but it'll be fun and interesting and you'll be glad you voted for me).

By the way, why is it that neither party gives a crap about our government being for sale until they don't like the buyers? Wouldn't it be better for everyone if the people we elect could spend more time governing and less time running around begging for donations? Actually, now that I think about the current crop of people we've elected, and the people we're about to elect, it's probably a good idea to have them doing anything but governing. Ignore this paragraph.

I promise to cut taxes and the deficit. How? Through serious, substantive cuts to the federal budget? No, don't be ridiculous. Through the mystical magic of the free market. Here's how it works:
Step 1: Cut taxes.
Step 2: Abracadabra!
Step 3: No more deficits, balanced budget.
It's that simple. What? You don't get it? That's because you're stupid. You need to read a little less about economics and a little more about Ronald Reagan (campaign promise 2B, I promise to call voters stupid, like all the time, at least once a day. That's called being bold).

I promise to find a way to get rid of some of those pesky constitutional amendments. I know the first amendment talks about respecting no establishment of religion and not prohibiting the free exercise of religion, but that was written like 250 years ago or whatever, before we knew what the mooslims were really up to. Obviously, what the founders really meant by freedom of religion was the right to worship jesus however you want. I'll put that in the hopper and we'll start working on language for the new and improved first amendment.

Also, the 8th amendment. No cruel and unusual punishment? That just seems silly now. I bet if we could talk to Thomas Jefferson today he'd say how silly that was. In fact, I bet they were just joking about that. Those founders, always with the funny jokes. What good is punishment if it isn't cruel and unusual? Why even bother?

No changes to the 2nd amendment though. That would be insane. Firearms haven't changed at all since the 18th century. If the 2nd amendment was good enough for muskets, it's certainly good enough for handguns and semi-automatic rifles. And we need our gun rights and our militias, you never know when the British might come looking for another re-match.

I promise to pass a law requiring all TV shows to make at least 52 new episodes every year. No breaks, no re-runs, just pure entertainment. Any show breaking this law will be punished with a mandated guest appearance by one or more of the following awful celebrities:
David Hasselhoff
Urkel
Rosie O'Donnell
Jamie Kennedy
anyone from the Jersey Shore
Gene Simmons
anyone who's ever been on a VH1 reality show
Roseanne
Weird Al Yankovic
Don't think that's a harsh enough punishment? Just think about how quickly a Weird Al episode could murder Glee. Speaking of TV, I promise to get rid of American Idol. I just can't take it anymore.

I promise to end all the crazy weather. Hurricanes, nor'easters, crazy heat, random hail storms, now apparently there's some kind of wind storm heading for the midwest (seriously? a wind storm? when did we move to Mars?) I'm sick of it, aren't you?

Plan A is to hire someone to build us a weather machine. Evil geniuses do it all the time, and with my magically balanced budget, we could afford to hire one. A weather machine is plan A because it's really more of a proactive approach, we wouldn't just be hiding from the weather, we'd be on the offensive against it.

In the absence of an evil genius willing to take on the challenge of plan A, plan B is building a dome over the country. It would be clear, so we could still see the sky, and it would be broken up into little retractable sections, so we could open it up when the weather is nice. And we could collect the water as it rolls off the dome when it rains, so we'd still get water. The dome plan is pretty bullet-proof, but I'd still prefer a weather machine.

I promise to end don't ask don't tell. No jokes here, this is just such a stupid policy, why are we so stupid sometimes? Hey! I promise to start a commission to find out why we're so stupid sometimes. I'd have to find not stupid people to be on the commission though, otherwise I'd just get a stupid answer. Governing is hard.

I'm out of promises for now, but it's starting to sound like I'm going to need some unilateral power to get some of these things done. Sure, I could get 60 Senate votes for a weather machine (provided we had parts of it built in 30 different states), but 60 votes for ending don't ask don't tell? Ridiculous. New plan, I'm running for President. Wait no, the President can't do whatever the hell he wants either. Hmmm...how about Dictator? No, Americans are pretty wary of dictators. King? I'd have to learn how to speak with a British accent, no dice.

I've got it! I'm running for Oprah. She could do all of these things and nobody could stop her (and even if someone could, they wouldn't dare try). I also hear she's leaving her show soon, so we'll need a new Oprah. I think I'd be perfect, and then I could do all this cool stuff I just told you about. Vote for me for new Oprah!...and a better tomorrow.

Tips For New Hockey Fans

I'm happy to say that hockey has finally returned to my TV. My jobs have always required me to live on college campuses and take whatever cable package the students get, but not anymore! Now I have a new job, my own apartment and the NHL center ice package. I'm psyched, and I want other people to be psyched too. I probably know a lot of people who aren't hockey fans, and you're missing a great deal of awesome. So, here are some helpful tips, so you can get into this under-appreciated sport and enjoy the awesome awesomeness.

1) Pick A Team
This may sound difficult, but it can actually be pretty easy. Turn on your television machine and flip around a bit tonight. Do you see some hockey? If you do, your city/state probably already has a hockey team. Bam! Done.

If your city or state doesn't have a ready-made team you can root for, or if your city/state's hockey team suffers from an incurable case of suckitis, it gets a little tougher. Last year, I picked a team for myself in response to the many unforgivable sins of the New York Islanders, feel free to consult that blog entry for a method.

2) Learn About Canada
A lot of hockey players are from Canada. Also, hockey is the national sport up there, and they're not screwing around. I got to see opening night in Toronto on center ice and holy crap! Opening night of the NHL season is like 10 superbowls up there. You can't watch a lot of hockey if you don't understand Canada.

For example, did you know Canada has universal health care? That's right, if you get sick in Canada, you go to a hospital and, free of charge, a moose kicks you until whatever you were complaining about doesn't hurt anymore. Also, in Canada, it snows 378 days a year. "gee Sean, those things don't sound true." Really? Which one of us is the hockey fan here? I rest my case.

3) Learn The Rules
Now that you have a team and you know enough about Canada to keep up, you can start watching some games. This is when it becomes important to know the many rules involved with hockey. A lot of them are pretty much in line with other sports you already know, or pretty intuitive. You can't trip people, you can't hit somebody in the head from behind when he's not looking, you can't use your stick to slash another guy's legs.

Some of the other rules might catch you off guard if you aren't prepared. For example, in most sports, if you were to, say, go up to another player and punch him in the face, you'd be thrown out of the game and probably fined. In hockey, you go sit quietly for five minutes ("and you feel shame") and then all is forgiven.

4) Learn To Love The World
As a good American, you probably hate most of the rest of the world, especially Europe and Russia. As a hockey fan, you'll have to get over it. The NHL has Europeans and Russians all over the place. The team you pick will most likely have at least a few of both. I know the rest of the world is a bunch of stupid smarty-pants jerks who we should never listen to, but when it comes to hockey, we need to learn to deal with each other.

5) Learn The History
As the season winds down, you'll hear hockey people starting to talk about trophies. The MVP of the league gets the Hart trophy, obviously named after pro wrestler and Canadian national treasure Bret "the Hitman" Hart. Hockey has a lot of trophies like that, presumably all named after Canadian pro wrestlers, and you'll feel better once you know who they are.

6) Clear Your Schedule
If you read my blog often, you've already heard me mention the hockey playoffs. I can't even think of a word to describe the hockey playoffs, and I love words, look how many I'm using right now. The point is, from mid-April through late June, clear your TV calendar, because the playoffs are on. And if I catch you watching American Idol or Grey's Anatomy instead of the Western Conference semi-finals, you'd better start running.