Tonight's State of the Union address is basically the last exit on the politics highway before the bridge to the 2016 election. Official announcements will start soon (Barack Obama announced in February 2007) and once one serious candidate announces, everything after that is about the election. That's not to say this speech will have nothing to do with the 2016 election, but it's the last big political thing that isn't entirely about the 2016 election. So, if you hate elections, this is pretty much it for you.
I watched most of the pre-speech coverage on MSNBC, just out of nostalgia for when they used to actually be a news network, but I managed to switch to Fox long enough to witness O'Reilly and John Stossel having a fair and balanced debate about whether or not the President (and his wife, for some reason) are true believers in socialism or if they're just dirty liars about it for political gain. Bill thinks they're true believers. I think Stossel's point was that it doesn't matter because what they want to do won't work either way. Glad to see Fox hasn't changed. Bill teased his next segment, which was about how you're not allowed to criticize Beyonce. The inside of Bill's mind must be terrifying.
I switched to CNN for five seconds and their breaking news at the bottom of the screen was that Barack Obama was going to leave the White House. Not that he had left the White House, but that he was going to. Glad CNN figured that out for us. I have to go back to MSNBC now because I just feel sad for CNN. It's like how old baseball writers always talk about Willie Mays limping around in a Mets' uniform. I don't want to remember you this way CNN!
I almost decided not to do this again this year, and after just about 20 minutes of cable news I'm already regretting my decision to do it. We had better just get started.
8:53PM - 6 of the 9 Supreme Court justices just walked in. The other three are apparently way too busy and can't be bothered with this kind of nonsense. I'd like to criticize them for being childish and petty, but I think if I was a Supreme Court justice I'd want to be one of the justices who's too cool for the State of the Union.
8:57PM - I swear I just saw Paul Ryan do the John Cena "you can't see me" gesture. You probably think that's ridiculous and there's no way it happened, but I know what I saw.
8:59PM - Rachel Maddow on the Supreme Court: "They're all wicked old". Did someone give Rachel a "be less smart and more folksy" note at some point? You're from Massachusetts, we get it.
9:00PM - MSNBC just gave us a 6 second shot of a pencil on a desk. Apparently Congress will be waiving them to express support for freedom of expression. Congress is super into freedom of expression, as long as you're mocking gods they don't really believe in.
9:06PM - Here comes the Prez. I would love to see the President just walk in and not shake any hands one year. He could start the speech with "I'm here to give a speech, not shake hands with dumbasses". These are the things that would entertain me.
9:11PM - We're starting with a quick recap of the first 15 years of the 21st century. They've been....less than optimal. But guess what everybody?!? We're turning the page now!!! YAY!!!
9:13PM - "Our combat mission in Afghanistan is over". He added "I mean, ya know, sort of, for now at least". Then he used the phrase "this 9/11 generation". Can that not be a thing? Please?
9:14PM - If you had "strong" for the state of the union, you win the pool. If you had anything else, you really haven't watched one of these before, have you?
9:15PM - We just got a clear "woo" for "an economy where only a few of us do extremely well". Who let Mitt in here?
9:17PM - The lady standing next to Michelle Obama is named Rebecca, and she's pretty adorable. Apparently she goes to community college and her husband works in construction. I'm not sure how that got her next to the First Lady at the State of the Union, but she seems super likable so it's fine I guess.
9:20PM - I had to switch to Fox because MSNBC's stupid real time polls are blocking the bottom third of the screen. The question they're asking is "Do you agree with what the President is saying?" What does that even mean? He's mostly just stating facts right now.
9:21PM - The title of this section of speech would most accurately be "I fixed the economy and if you idiots try to pass something that will break it again I will veto the shit out of that bill".
9:22PM - "We need to set our sets higher than making sure that government doesn't just screw things up". You gotta walk before you run though, right? Can we try not screwing things up first and see how it goes?
9:23PM - Rebecca's kids are named Jack and Henry. Jack is a solid name. I'm not wild about Henry, but I think it works in Minnesota.
9:25PM - George W. Bush left hundreds of post-its with Presidenting advice lying around the White House. The one Barack actually listened to? Call people folks a lot. Folks love when you call them folks.
9:27PM - Obama says child care isn't a "women's issue", it's a national economic priority. The Republicans seem to disagree. They aren't big fans of paid sick leave either, and don't even get them started on equal pay for women.
9;29PM - We've reached the point in the night when Democrats applaud loudly for raising the minimum wage and Republicans try hiding under their desks.
9:31PM - The President is talking about better job training for American workers. I know for a fact that he told Joe Biden to take care of that during last year's speech. Great job Biden! You suck so hard!
9:32PM - The President wants to lower the cost of community college to $0. Republicans are a no on that for some reason. I'm a no on that too, because I work at a non-community college and I need money to buy food. I feel like free community college might impact my earning power a bit. Do all the Republicans work at non-community colleges too? I never see them at conferences.
9:34PM - Wait, now the President says Biden did do some hard work on job training. Well then why isn't it fixed yet? What else is Biden doing?
9:36PM - We seem to be in the middle of a multi-part economic plan. You know what voters love more than anything? Multi-part economic plans. Just ask Mitt Romney, or John Kerry.
9:39PM - Seamless transition from curing cancer to protecting a free and open internet. I feel like both of those things are important, but one is clearly more important.
9:40PM - He just did a solid minute on the space program. Just because Congress is too stupid to understand the space program doesn't mean the rest of us shouldn't get to have one. He should have said that. Why can't I write for the President?
9:43PM - Uh oh. It's foreign policy time. Everybody get your spare pair of pants ready.
9:45PM - Looks like the pencil waiving was isolated to one lady. I couldn't tell for sure from the camera angle, but that's what it looked like.
9:46PM - Every time one of these guys talks about supporting the moderate opposition in Syria I'm compelled to ask this question. Have we just not been writing things down for the last 50 years? Is it not possible for us to access the history of what happens when we back the lesser of two evils in an unstable country in the middle east? What could possibly convince us that it will work out great this time?
9:48PM - On Cuba "when what you're doing doesn't work for 50 years, it's time to try something new". Marco Rubio countered "Oh come on! Just like 20 more years and I swear it'll work!"
9:50PM - The President sure has said the word veto a lot tonight. This is going to be a feisty couple of years. And by feisty, I mean gridlocked and pointless.
9:52PM - Biden and Boehner look positively frosty tonight. I'm assuming they were taking turns insulting each other's moms and then Biden took it too far because you're not supposed to call Boehner's mom fat because she has a glandular problem and it's NOT FUNNY!
9:54PM - On climate change, the President says it's OK if you're not a scientist, you just have to listen to scientists. But what about that one scientist Fox News found who says climate change isn't real and that opinion has nothing to do with the six figure consulting fee he gets from the coal lobby? What about him???
9:57PM - "It's time to close GTMO". Yeah, but we're not going to, sooo....
10:00PM - I feel like openly arguing with political pundits during the State of the Union address is a misguided effort.
10:02PM - Standing ovation from Democrats for same-sex marriage. Look at them growing some balls once the polls show a position is overwhelmingly popular. I can't wait for Hillary Clinton to tell me again how she evolved.
10:03PM - I think seven years in is a little late for "a better politics" and "appealing to common decency". I don't know if you heard buddy, but there's an election coming up. There will be no decency.
10:06PM - Hey! I haven't seen Cory Booker once tonight. Is it maybe because he's too busy buying plane tickets to Iowa? Booker 2016!
10:07PM - "I have no more campaigns to run...I know because I won both of them". For the 100th time, condescending and sarcastic Obama is by far my favorite Obama.
10:10PM - Coming in for a landing and we go back to Rebecca one more time. I'm a big fan of Rebecca.
While we wait for one of the five (you heard me) Republican responses, here's a quick list of things that seemed to mostly get left out of the speech, except for maybe a vague reference (I apologize if I'm wrong about any of these, I admit I drifted away a couple of times):
-Wall Street reform
-Gun control
-Police shooting unarmed citizens
-The fact that it's 2015 and we don't have hoverboards yet
-Al Qaeda
-Russia
I actually give the President some credit for the last one. Hard to resist kicking Putin while he's down.
I mentioned five Republican responses. I'll be watching the official Republican response from Joni Ernst, which I'm not looking forward to. There will also be one from the tea people, one in Spanish, one from Rand Paul and one from Ted Cruz. Rand can get away with that because nobody agrees with Rand on everything and he can only really represent himself. Cruz is just a malignant narcissist.
So, Joni Ernst started by first pointing out that while we may not always agree, it's good to hear other points of view. I see she was in the debate club in high school. Then, she openly admitted that she has no interest in actually responding to the President's speech, which is annoying because what she's doing is literally called a response, but it's also refreshing, because at least she's admitting it.
Joni Ernst only had one good pair of shoes growing up. It's a good old-fashioned Republican poor-off! Later Ted Cruz will tell you about his great-grandpa who was a turd miner in Cuba.
Apparently Republicans are going to start calling the Keystone pipeline the Keystone jobs bill. Shit that's good. Damn you Frank Luntz!
Give Joni Ernst some real credit. Giving a nationally televised speech while staring directly into the camera in an empty room after the other guy just gave his speech in a huge and full room is a crappy job, and I'd say she did it pretty well. She's a Republican, so a lot of what she said was silly nonsense, but still, she said it pretty well.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Last Exit
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Another Round
You have to think the President is getting bored with this whole State of the Union thing. You know at least once in the last week he sarcastically asked someone if he really has to do this every year. I suggest he try breaking it up a little with some insult comedy:
"Good evening everybody...look at you weirdos. I kid, I kid, but seriously folks, it's great to be here. Paul Ryan's here tonight, give him a hand everybody. Man looks like a muppet! Haha, I kid Paul. And Nancy Pelosi is here. Nancy, why are you giving me the crazy eyes? Oh that's right, that's just your face! Zing! I kid Nancy, she's the best..."
Here are some highlights from the pre-game:
1) Chris Matthews got through a whole sentence without saying the words Chris Christie.
2) Apparently there will be four Republican responses to tonight's speech. Four. Including one unsolicited response from Rand Paul on behalf of just Rand Paul.
3) Bill O'Reilly was yelling at someone.
4) Cory Booker arrived. Booker 2016!!!
Most importantly, the President is going to announce that he's raising the minimum wage for government contractors. That's fantastic. You can't fix the whole economy by raising the minimum wage, and you certainly can't fix it by raising the minimum wage for just one group of people (though it is a big group), but the President, as the CEO of the federal government, is acting as a responsible employer. Leadership by example, it's still a thing.
If the President is going to complain about Congress not doing anything (and I suspect he will continue to do that), then he has to be willing to do the things that he can do. This is an example of a thing he can do and he deserves a lot of credit. Especially since this wasn't some candy-ass 25 cents an hour raise. The minimum wage for government contractors is going up to $10.10 an hour. That's not exactly ski trip money, but it might actually let people afford food every day. I'm sure the Republicans will object.
And no, that isn't a cheap shot at Republicans. If you oppose a raise in the comically low minimum wage while also supporting cuts to food stamps, then you don't give a shit about poor people being able to feed themselves. Some things are really complicated, this isn't one of them.
9:04PM: The President's Cabinet has been entering the chamber for roughly 7 hours now.
9:05PM: Matthews says New York Congressman Peter King may run for President. Please no. I realize Peter King is what passes for a moderate Republican these days, but I promise you, he's still a crazy person.
9:06PM: By the way, I'm watching on MSNBC tonight just to see if they find ways to work Chris Christie into the actual speech. I may switch over to CNN a few times just to check out whatever silly nonsense they're doing with graphics.
9:09PM: MSNBC has Al Sharpton on the pre-show panel, because that's necessary. Also, it's 9:09PM and I'm still listening to the pre-show panel. One year this speech is just going to be an hour and a half of people entering the chamber and then the Speaker saying goodnight.
9:10PM: Here comes the Prez! Why is Eric Cantor always right behind him? It makes me nervous.
9:11PM: The President is dishing out some pretty aggressive handshakes. If you've got a hand, the President is going to shake it.
9:15PM: We started off with heart touching stories about hypothetical Americans doing hypothetical good things. Today in America, the President stood up before Congress and said things that were probably true.
9:22PM: When the President says he's building ladders of opportunity into the middle class, that's not a metaphor. Congress will only fund him for ladders, so the President is going to send you one and you can do whatever you want with it to try and make more money.
9:24PM: The President just spent a minute praising someone in the audience named Michelle Obama. I wonder if he knows her. I know a certain President who's getting laid tonight.
9:25PM: Boehner isn't wearing an American flag pin! Why isn't he being arrested and questioned?
9:26PM: Closing loopholes in the tax code you say? Man, that's a great idea! Why hasn't anyone thought of that before?
9:27PM: The Republicans will clap for anything they don't have to do.
9:29PM: Did you know that small business owners are the greatest people in the history of the Universe?
9:30PM: Quick shot of David Vitter looking bored. The State of the Union address is the longest amount of time each year that he has to go without a prostitute.
9:32PM: Biden and Boehner are exchanging fart jokes while the President talks about natural gas.
9:37PM: I swear I could watch Biden and Boehner for hours and never get bored. The President just said he's appointing Biden to do something about job training. Biden responded by looking at Boehner and shrugging his shoulders, then they both laughed about it. What were they saying? I have no idea, but I bet it was unintentionally hilarious.
9:38PM: After disarming everyone by mentioning Biden, the President quickly hammered Congress for cutting off long term unemployment insurance. But the Congress has a good point here, unemployed people don't need money. Food and housing are free, right?
9:43PM: The President points out that last year he asked Congress to make pre-K education available to everyone, and he's asking this year, because that shit didn't happen last year, and it isn't going to. To be honest, I still don't see the appeal. I think I learned to count in nursery school, but I suspect I would have figured that out on my own eventually.
9:46PM: "a mother deserves a day off to care for a sick child...and a father does too". Look at the President being all gender inclusive and shit. Next year he's going to try saying that line without it sounding like he almost forgot to add the part about the father and then just barely remembered it at the last second.
9:49PM: Here comes the part about raising the minimum wage. This is such a no-brainer, but still only gets a sarcastic smirk from Boehner. It's really a shame that both parties can't at least get together on this. If you wonder why people are so cynical about government, this is a perfect example. 535 eight year olds could agree on raising the minimum wage, but that's only because there are no eight year old lobbyists....yet.
9:55PM: The President is openly challenging Republicans to come up with a health care reform idea of their own, and mocking their 40+ repeal votes. Sarcastic and slightly mean Obama is by far my favorite Obama.
9:58PM: The President is in favor of calling your mom. In about an hour, tea party Republican Mike Lee will tell you why calling your mom is an un-American part of the liberal feminazi agenda.
10:00PM: Congress will do anything they can to stop gun violence, as long as it doesn't in any way involve gun control. I've come around to the sad conclusion that it's more likely Congress will fund buying a bullet-proof vest for every American than it is that they'll actually do something about guns, and I think the President has too. He didn't hang around on gun control for too long.
10:03PM: Allow me to summarize the foreign policy part of every State of the Union since about 2002: "something something men and women in uniform...clap clap clap...ever vigilant...clap clap clap...ending whatever war we're currently fighting...clap clap clap...diplomacy...clap clap clap...nuclear and chemical weapons are bad...clap clap clap...Israel non sequitur...clap clap clap".
10:09PM: We seem overly concerned about Iran. The President spent 15 seconds talking about gun violence in America, and half of that was Democrats clapping. He spent at least 4 minutes talking about Iran. Do you think Iran is 16 times more important then thousands of Americans being killed by other Americans? I don't.
10:14PM: Republicans are all about helping veterans as long as they don't have to help them buy food.
10:16PM: I think we're coming in for a landing here, we've reached the touching human interest story part of the speech. I'll give the President some credit though, he's not talking about some clown who opened a small business, he's talking about a veteran who appears to have had a hole blown in the side of his head. Now that's a guy you point to during a speech! That dude literally gave large pieces of himself for his country. He got a two minute standing ovation. Well deserved.
10:20PM: Chris Matthews immediately declared the speech "masterful". Quick switch to Fox and the first word I heard from Charles Krauthammer was "embarrassing". Cable news is fun.
10:26PM: I'm going to try and stick around for the Republican response, being given by Congresswoman Cathy McMorris Rodgers, who I have literally never heard of. Apparently she's the highest ranking Republican woman in the House, so that's partially my bad. But it's also partially MSNBC and Fox's bad because I watch a ton cable news and I've never once heard either network mention the highest ranking Republican woman in the House.
10:30PM: So far I've learned that Cathy McMorris Rodgers has three kids and used to work at McDonald's. Not to be a dick, but if she was a dude would Fox feel the need to tell me how many kids she has? Also, some guy on Fox just told me she's not the most polished speaker on Congress, which is sort of like when a guy gets picked in the NBA draft and the ESPN guys say he needs to work on his athleticism.
10:32PM: Brett Baier wouldn't shut up in time for Congresswoman Rodgers to start talking, so I missed her first sentence. Didn't somebody tell her a man was still talking?
10:34PM: This is like some sort of middle-America nightmare speech. I've already heard about apple picking and a county fair.
10:36PM: "Hi, I'm Cathy McMorris Rodgers and I apparently have no interest in actually responding to what the President just said so let me tell you my entire life story".
10:38PM: Republicans are working on a step by step immigration plan. For those of you who aren't familiar with politics, that means doing all of the steps they want to do first and then forgetting about the other steps.
10:41PM: Hey, this lady seems perfectly reasonable. Can somebody find out if she'd like to run for President? Sure, she said god a lot, but so does every Republican. In general, she seems not dumb and would definitely be a better option than Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio or Rand Paul. The speech was sort of blah, but she was pretty solid.
OK, that's it. This gets a little less fun every year, but that's only because nothing ever changes and we pretty much have the same problems every year, and that's not really my fault.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Job Killers
Did you know that the Affordable Care Act is a job killer? I know that, because the TV told me, like 1,000 times. If jobs are like the people of Baltimore, the Affordable Care Act is like Chris and Snoop, out there just murdering all of them for President Marlo and throwing the bodies in vacant row houses for Lester to eventually find. So many senseless job killings, and for what? So some poor people can go to a doctor? If they wanted to see a doctor, they shouldn't have decided to be poor in the first place!
If you're so worried about jobs, do something about jobs. Like a real stimulus bill with spending for fixing roads and bridges. And high speed trains. I don't really get the high speed trains thing, but Chris Matthews won't shut up about them and I feel like we should probably throw him a bone. Or, even easier, just stop cutting things like food stamps. Did you know food stamps are specifically designed to both feed poor people and stimulate the economy, because people who get food stamps tend to spend them immediately at a local business on, ya know, food? True story.
Republicans want to make everything about jobs, except bills that could actually create jobs, those are about spending for some reason. But health care bills aren't about jobs, they're about health care. Just like environmental protection laws aren't about jobs, they're about environmental protection. Everything has a downside, that doesn't mean you don't do anything. It means you do the right thing and then you do other things to mitigate the downside. That's how grown-ups solve problems. Then again, our country isn't really run by grown-ups at the moment.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Ted Cruz
In March of 2010, when the Affordable Care Act passed, I wrote this:
http://somethingclever13.blogspot.com/2010/03/socialism-day-one.html
Three and a half years later, I still think it's pretty solid bloggery. Anyway, I was sitting here writing about the current state of the health care debate (which, to be honest, hasn't changed a whole lot since 2010) and it was becoming this very long and sort of incoherent thing, and then I realized that I possibly had three things. Three things that are all related, but weren't fitting together that well. So why not just do three separate posts? Then I don't have to sit here and try to think of some clever way to tie them together. Meanwhile you, dear reader, get three posts in one week. Win win.
Part 1 of 3 unfortunately has to be about my least favorite Senator. I know we would all rather just ignore Ted Cruz's silly fauxlibuster, and Ted Cruz in general for that matter, but we can't and I'll get to why we can't in a second.
But first, I think one important thing needs to be said. Ted Cruz isn't smart. Maybe he used to be. I know he went to Ivy League schools, and I've heard stories about him being brilliant in front of the Supreme Court (although the more I see of those people the more I think maybe it doesn't take much to impress in front of them), but however smart Ted Cruz once was, that's all gone now. Like a running back who loses a few steps and suddenly can't even stay in the league, Ted lost whatever skills he had and he's just a dumbass now.
I know this because Ted Cruz treated the Senate to a dramatic reading of Green Eggs and Ham in support of his stubborn insistence on hating something we haven't even tried yet. You can call that a cheap shot, but it really isn't. Either Ted didn't bother reading the 60 page children's book before using it to make an argument in the United States Senate, or he did read it but couldn't quite comprehend the moral of the story, which apparently only contains 50 different words. Either way, dumbass.
And while I'll never get the people on Fox to admit that Ted Cruz is a dumbass, I would appreciate it if the regular journalists on other networks, or at least the liberals at MSNBC, would stop pretending that we all agree that Ted Cruz is a really smart guy. He isn't. At best, he's the smartest Republican in Texas, which is sort of like being the smartest plant in my office. And my plants are dumb, because they came to my office and they know damn well that I'm not going to remember to water them.
And why do I care about what Ted Cruz is or isn't? Well, for one thing, he's currently the ring leader of the thousand-ring, clown-filled tea party circus. I often make the point that idiots only get a voice in our country when one of the two major parties is willing to take up their stupid cause. When both parties agree about something, people can still complain about it, but they can't really do anything.
Same sex marriage is a good example. If both political parties just said "of course anyone who wants to get married can get married, we're not going to sit here and try to codify bigotry, what's wrong with you people?" then we'd have a lot more progress than we have currently. I'm not saying bigots go away if you ignore them, but if you don't give them the political machinery to promote their nonsense, they have a pretty hard time slowing the march of progress. Unfortunately, the Republican party still seems more than happy to be the home of hatred, so progress is happening one state at a time and there are quite a few states left.
Similarly, if elected officials in both parties, who are supposed to be responsible adults, would all say that we're not going to shut down the government over a policy disagreement, then we wouldn't be having today's problem. Sure, idiots could stand around in Washington with tri-corner hats and misspelled signs, but the rest of us would just ignore them like we usually do. Wouldn't you rather be ignoring Ted Cruz right now instead of worrying about what happens if the government actually shuts down tomorrow? I know I would.
Also, Ted Cruz is running for President. That's definitely happening and we can't stop him. And if he wins the Republican nomination, that basically gives him a 50/50 chance at being in charge of the country. I wouldn't leave Ted Cruz in charge of the drive thru at a Burger King. This qualifies as a legitimately bad thing that could happen in the near future. And those of us who already know that Senator Cruz is a disaster waiting to happen are like the people with time machines who already know what's going to happen and have to come back to warn the rest of you. So there, you've been warned.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
People Are Idiots
Would you like to know what I think about Syria? I think if I lived in Syria I would start walking west and I wouldn't stop until I got to a country where things don't routinely and spontaneously explode. Although I suppose that would just get me to the Mediterranean Sea, and then I'd have to swim to Italy. And if I survived the swim to Italy, I'd probably just walk to Paris, grow a beard and spend the rest of my life pretending to be Hemingway. I seem to have lost my train of thought...oh yeah, Syria.
Would you like to know what I think the United States should do about Syria? Nothing. I'm not saying I think we should do nothing. I'm saying I think nothing. It's not that I don't care. I think this is really important, and I think whatever the President and Congress decide to do will be an important moment for our country and the world. It's not that I haven't had time to stay informed. I've tried to keep up on the story as much as possible. Unfortunately, cable news coverage is light on "facts about Syria" and heavy on conjecture about the domestic politics of military action and self-assured opinions from clowns who have no idea what they're talking about, but are 100% sure they're right.
Fox News, in particular, is absolutely positive that the President is being indecisive and weak by waiting for Congressional authorization for action. Just like they'd be absolutely positive that the President was pissing all over the Constitution if he had decided to act without Congressional authorization. I'm going to try not to be too hard on Fox though, this must be really confusing for them. On the one hand, boy do they love bombing muslims. I mean they LOOOVE that shit! But on the other hand, the President wants to bomb muslims now too, and they fucking hate the President. Also, half the Republican party is suddenly anti-war, it's like some Republicans don't even want to bomb anyone right now. It's a strange time in the Republican party and you have to sort of feel bad for Fox as they try to be the propaganda wing of a party that can't figure out where it stands on the biggest story of the day. It's tough being a worthless shill sometimes.
The truth is, I don't know enough about Syria to say anything useful. I know Assad's name. I know his country is in the middle of a revolution/asymmetric civil war/crazy shit going on situation. I know Assad is a Baathist, and I know Ted Cruz thinks that means he forces people to take baths against their will. I know something went on there with chemical weapons, and I know chemical weapons are bad.
I also know that, if we do bomb Syria, it will be the fourth, count 'em, FOURTH Western Asian country we've had some sort of military action against in the last dozen years. And that doesn't even count whatever meddling you think we did in Egypt. Four! That's a lot! Bombing seems to be our only solution to anything. I'm surprised we haven't tried bombing our public schools or our health care system yet.
I understand the arguments on both sides, and they both make sense. Why take action? Well, we told Assad not to use chemical weapons, and he apparently went ahead and used them anyway, on civilians, and children. Even if we hadn't explicitly said we weren't going to allow that, it's still in violation of about a dozen international treaties.
And if we don't do something, who will? The French? Seriously? I heard they already surrendered to Syria, twice, just this week. The U.N. can't do anything, and even if they could, U.N. military action is just the U.S. Armed Forces and like 15 British dudes, and the British already said they're not coming along for this one.
But why not take action? Well, for one thing, we've been lied to about weapons of mass destruction before. The case is clearly a little more plausible this time, and, if true, more of an imminent threat, but still. The point of the boy who cried wolf is that eventually wolves eat all your sheep and nobody cares, and if you use Colin Powell to cry wolf you've sort of poisoned the well, because it's really hard to find someone more credible than Colin Powell used to be.
Also, as I've previously mentioned, this would be our fourth military adventure in Western Asia in the last twelve years. Wouldn't it be lovely if we could just not be at war for a minute. And look at how far we've moved the bar in terms of reasons for going to war. Hitler took over Europe and turned London into rubble and it still took a Japanese attack on Hawaii to draw us into World War Two. Now we start bombing every time a dictator looks at us funny. Ron Paul's been complaining about the U.S. being the police of the world in Republican primaries since back when I would have actually considered voting for the winner of the Republican primaries. And Ron isn't wrong.
Also, Syria is in the middle of a violent civil war. Why would we willingly step into the middle of that and pick a side when we all agree that we don't really like either side. Why do we always feel the need to choose between the lesser of two evils in situations we could just choose to stay out of? And there are probably five more valid arguments on both sides that I'm not getting to.
So what do we do? Well, polls show that an overwhelming majority of the American people don't want us involved in Syria. But listen, here's the thing...This is one of those times when I couldn't possibly care less about what the American people think. I would bet you a thousand dollars that half this country can't even find Syria on a map (and way too many of them would be proud and unapologetic about it). I'm like 99% confident that if you asked Americans who the President of Syria is, roughly 5% of them would say Saddam Hussein, and another 5% would say Osama Bin Laden.
Think about it this way. If you casually ran into the President, or your Senator, or your Congressman on the street and they asked you what you think they should do about Syria, would you 1) calmly tell them your opinion and expect them to listen or 2) panic because the people running our country are so completely out of ideas that they're asking your opinion without knowing whether or not you even have a vague familiarity with the subject matter? I'm not saying the President and Congress should never listen to the people (although honestly sometimes I think we'd be better off that way), but on complicated foreign policy matters? Come on. People are idiots. And even if we weren't idiots we wouldn't have time to get familiar enough with something like this to form an educated opinion. And even if we did have the time, we don't have access to most of the pertinent information.
I'm also not saying we should just follow the government blindly into war because we're too stupid to know any better. I don't have any problem you voicing your opinion about Syria, and if you can get the Congress and the President to listen to your nonsense, then good for you. I'm just saying that if I was the President and you told me what you think I should do about Syria I would respond to you the same way you respond to a three year old when you ask him what he wants for dinner and he yells "ice cream and pizza! Oh, ice cream pizza!"..."Really, ice cream pizza, okay buddy, I'll get right on that."
And if President Obama decides to take military action against Syria in spite of public opinion, and if it turns out to be a colossally horrible decision, and if it turns out his administration lied a little about why we were going there in the first place, then we get to shun him and pretend he was never President. Just like George W. Whats his face.
Now I grant you that shunning President Obama in 2017 won't fix whatever mistakes he makes just like shunning President Bush now doesn't fix the federal disaster area that was his presidency. But the thing is, that's what these guys signed up for. I don't want a President who hides behind Congress or polls instead of making the decision he thinks is the right one. When you're the President, sometimes you have to make really hard decisions, and sometimes you have to make really hard, really unpopular decisions, and sometimes you might get them wrong. If you get a big one wrong, then everybody hates you forever. That's the job, and if you aren't up for it, then you shouldn't sit down in the big chair in the first place.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
2016 Election at the Jersey Shore
I wasn't planning on saying anything about the 2016 election for a while because, first of all, I tried predicting who would get the Republican nomination in 2012. I picked Haley Barbour, and remember that time that Haley Barbour didn't even run? I also wasn't going to say anything about 2016 for a while because it's 2013 right now and are you fucking serious?
Thursday, March 7, 2013
A Brief History of Stupid
Sometimes I feel like other countries wouldn't believe us if we tried to tell them how stupid our government is. Let's pretend that you, dear reader, are Germany for a minute. You don't want to be Germany? A little too aggressive for you? OK, France then. No? A little too surrendery? OK let's say Australia. Everyone likes Australia.
Hey Australia, you'll never guess what happened. In the summer of 2011, our government reached our debt limit (again, this happens constantly now). That's stupid thing numero uno, by the way. Why would we work under a self-imposed debt limit? I can understand trying it once to see if it actually helps us be more fiscally responsible, but that doesn't really seem to be working, does it? Now it's just an arbitrary number that we have to raise every once in a while so we don't default on our debt. Except when the President is black, then we have to fight about it first.
So we reached our debt limit and then, because Republicans don't actually understand how debt works, they demanded that spending cuts accompany any deal to raise the debt ceiling. Actually, it may be that Republicans don't understand how time works, because they seem to be missing the part where cutting future spending won't really help with the debt we owe for past spending. To be fair, time is pretty complicated and Republicans hate science, so, I guess I shouldn't be surprised.
The Democrats though, they don't want to cut spending. They say they do, because it sounds good and it's always good politics to be for general spending cuts, but they don't really want to. They don't want to cut social programs because they, ya know, believe in those things. And they don't want to cut defense because if they do someone will call them weak and they'll lose an election and have to get a real job.
And don't tell me about how the President has offered $2, or $2.50 or whatever of spending cuts for every dollar of revenue. I'll give you two and a half unicorns for every one of your horses. What unicorns? Don't worry, I've got unicorns. And I've got traumatized workers who helped me make half unicorns. You can have the workers for free. They mostly just sit and cry now.
And the Republicans, they do want to cut spending, except not really. Republicans don't want to cut defense spending, because if we don't have at least a million times more tanks than every other country in the world then we're all going to die. And they don't really want to cut social security or medicare either. They say they do, but they know if they actually did the very old people who vote for them would march on Washington...slowly. That's why Mitt Romney's plan was to start cutting entitlements ten years from now, two years after it conveniently wouldn't have been his problem anymore. I wonder if the 2023 Congress would have actually gone ahead with Mitt's plan. I'm thinking no.
So everybody really wanted to cut spending, except that nobody actually wanted to cut spending. Then they came up with a big, fool-proof plan to cut spending. It was called...drumroll...the sequester (ohhhhh). They came up with all the worst spending cuts they could think of and put them all into one big package of cuts that would take effect at the beginning of 2013 unless some people could, somehow, reach a deal on spending cuts that everyone would like better.
I guess I should talk about why this particular move was so insanely stupid, but I feel like I really shouldn't have to explain to you why an economic suicide pact is a bad idea for our government.
But who would work together to reach such a deal? Well, get ready for another stupid thing. Instead of trying something innovative or smart, they just put together a smaller group made up of people from the bigger group that already couldn't agree on anything. Even though this was a super smart plan, and even though they were called the Super Committee (ohhhhh again), they somehow failed to agree on anything.
"Then what happened?" Good question, Australia. Well, then they all forgot about it and went to run for office for a year. It was another excellent plan. I mean, who has time to worry about the impending economic disaster when the gays are still trying to marry each other and Mitt Romney is being mean to poor people? Not me, and not any of the people who are paid to worry about stuff like that either.
After the election was over and everyone had a good cry, they all suddenly realized they hadn't bothered doing their jobs for a year and this sequester thing was still happening. "Ohh noooos!" said John Boehner. They had until the end of December to reach a deal, but they had a much better and much stupider idea. Instead of actually doing something, they just raised some taxes that never should have been lowered in the first place and then put everything else off for two months.
Then, and I swear this happened, they sort of forgot about it again for like a month while the Republicans spent time bitching about Benghazi and the Democrats ran around talking about raising taxes on millionaires and billionaires even though they had literally just done that shit.
By the way, I'm not saying taxes couldn't be higher, because they absolutely could and should be. I'm saying Democrats spent a year whining about how all they were asking for was a return to the Clinton era tax rates, and as soon as they got it, without even blinking, they immediately started acting like it never happened.
Then everyone remembered the impending crisis that they had just created, and then they fought about it without agreeing on anything until finally it was March 1st. This is where the President overplayed his hand a little. The White House spent a week making it sound like the sequester was the end of the economic world, when everyone knew it really wasn't. I heard people on TV talking about how long airport lines would have people immediately demanding a budget deal. Really? You know who doesn't give a shit about airport lines? Everybody who isn't at the fucking airport right now. And screw those people anyway. I don't have time to fly around the country all willy nilly, let them wait on line.
Meanwhile, all this economic crisising left Congress with no time to deal with things like gun control and infrastructure and immigration. Oh man! They really wanted to do those things too, there's just no time. If only there was time!
And so here we are. Minimal spending cuts that won't really help that much with deficit reduction in the long run, done the stupidest way possible, which is to say the government basically closed their eyes and threw darts at the discretionary budget while telling themselves that none of those cuts were actually going to happen so don't worry about where the darts are landing. At least now that we have this problem, our leaders are working tirelessly to fix it instead of just trying to go on TV and blame each other. Oh wait. Nevermind.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Poor Faulkner
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words? He thinks I don't know the ten dollar words. I know them all right. But there are older and simpler and better words, and those are the ones I use."
This sentiment from Hemingway is always appropriate for a big political speech.
This year's State of the Union comes without the usual pregame madness thanks to whatever the hell was going on in California. I did learn that Bill O'Reilly doesn't believe in the death penalty. Who knew? The rest of it was mostly just video of a cabin burning down. I'm just looking forward to the President awkwardly working this situation into his speech.
8:57PM: This is pretty fun. The huge panels of bloviating jackasses the cable networks put together for tonight each got about three minutes to talk. In order to understand why this is fun, you really have to understand how much these people enjoy being on television. Don't be surprised if someone burns down a cable news studio later tonight. Also, Blogger doesn't know how to spell bloviate. Or maybe Blogger just noticed that I opened with that Hemingway line and is trying to point out my hypocrisy. Listen, if I could write like Hemingway, I wouldn't need to use words like bloviate.
9:02PM: The Cabinet is very slowly and boringly making its way into the chamber. Also, breaking news from CNN, the White House says this speech is going to be effective. What a scoop!
9:05PM: Seriously though, I just noticed CNN has Newt Gingrich in the studio. He's barely getting a word in. I think his head's going to explode. And when a head that big explodes, terrible things happen.
9:07PM: I'm starting to wonder if the President is coming. If he knew Newt was talking on TV right now, I'm sure he'd jump in and stop it.
9:09PM: Newt's laugh is disturbingly creepy. Oh, I miss the Republican primaries. No Newt! Don't go!
9:10PM: Here comes the Prez. I keep saying they shouldn't let Biden and Boehner sit together. They already look like they're up to something.
9:11PM: Lots of poorly executed mustaches in the crowd tonight.
9:14PM: People say Congress never does anything, but could you stand and clap for this long without a break? Also, Biden and Obama appear to be wearing the same outfit #awkward
9:16PM: Lots of "does anyone know what Mitt Romney is doing right now?" jokes on Twitter. Probably enjoying being filthy fucking rich and not having to deal with all this nonsense. Mitt may have dodged a bullet in November.
9:18PM: Did you know we're buying less foreign oil than we have in 20 years? Still quite a lot, but, you know, less.
9:18PM: "The state of our union is strong." OK, goodnight folks.
9:19PM: Biden looks twitchy, Boehner looks pretty drunk.
9:20PM: "The American people don't expect us to solve every problem." True, but solving one would be nice. Just try one.
9:22PM: Apparently the sequester is a really bad idea. Everyone seems to agree on that. If only we could find all those people who voted to pass the sequester in the first place. Ohhh, I bet the Prez and Mr. Boehner would like to have a word with those assholes.
9:25PM: "Already, the affordable care act is slowing the growth of health care costs." Yeah, I'm not sure that's good enough. Health care costs are skyrocketing on a slightly less steep trajectory. Hooray for us!
9:27PM: We're wallowing in the deficit reduction portion of the speech right now. The working title for this section around the White House was "all the shit that's never gonna happen".
9:29PM: In the last minute, only the Democrats have applauded for "less crises" and "paying our bills on time". Tough crowd.
9:30PM: Biden cracks me up. Obama just said Congress needs to pass the rest of his growth agenda, which caused Biden to laugh out loud. I'd love to be texting with Biden right now..."Congress do something? OMFG! LOLZ!"
9:32PM: The Prez thinks we should invest in good ideas. Also, Biden is inexplicably wearing glasses now. Wait, now the glasses are gone. Why is Biden doing costume changes? Just sit still man! VPs are the worst.
9:34PM: Obama says we can make progress on climate change while also fostering strong economic growth. I wish he'd stop saying that. Not everything has to make money. When you try to pair fighting climate change with trying to make everything profitable, you get stupid ideas like cap and trade. How about we fight climate change just for the sake of, ya know, not dying?
9:38PM: "Let's cut in half the energy wasted by our homes and businesses over the next 20 years". Sure, why not?
9:39PM: Even the Republicans stood up and clapped for fixing bridges. They're not going to vote for any funding for fixing bridges, but, philosophically, they like fixing bridges.
9:41PM: On passing some bill that's currently waiting in Congress.."what are we waiting for?". Well, the Republicans are waiting for a less black President. I'm not sure what everyone else is waiting for.
9:42PM: Obama is seamlessly transitioning from one topic to the other. Climate change, then bridges, now education. He's really pushing for funding for pre-school. I don't know. I remember pre-school mostly just being day care with some counting.
9:44PM: Apparently, German kids are ready to work right out of high school. I probably could have worked in Germany right out of high school too. I don't want to work in Germany.
9:45PM: Something about re-designing America's high schools. No, not going to happen.
9:46PM: "Colleges must do their part to keep costs down". He said that last year too. That is definitely not going to happen.
9:47PM: Now we're on boarder security. He's like a tornado of policy proposals.
9:49PM: The President wants Congress to send him a comprehensive immigration reform bill so he can sign it. I'm mostly hearing that this is going to happen. I predict the end result will be toothless and ineffective.
9:50PM: Great audience shot of some lady shaking her head in anger at the idea of equal pay for women. It isn't easy being a Republican woman, but at least you get to hang out with all of those hot Republican guys.
9:52PM: Raise the minimum wage? Yes please. Well, yes please for me, no thank you for the Republicans.
9:53PM: Boehner looks super fidgety. Someone give him a ball to play with.
9:55PM: "By the end of next year, our war in Afghanistan will be over." Kudos if he actually pulls that off. I'm also glad to hear that we're going to spend plenty of time training and equipping the Afghan army that we will most likely be going to war with in about 25 years.
9:58PM: Chuck Grassley may or may not be asleep. Also, Obama has successfully conditioned the Democrats to applaud whenever he pauses, no matter what he just said.
9:59PM: Even the lady who wouldn't clap for equal pay stood up and applauded for keeping Iran from getting nuclear weapons. I wonder if she gets equal pay? #hmmm
10:01PM: "today's world contains not just dangers, not just threats, but also opportunities". He added, "opportunities to be endangered and threatened".
10:02PM: Did he say AIDS free generation? I think he did. That's sounds like a good idea. Let's do that one. Someone go find out why Magic Johnson is still alive!
10:05PM: Boehner just seriously sat there and refused to applaud for equal treatment for gay military members and equal benefits for their families. What a dick. These guys are so funny to me sometimes that I forget that they also spend a great deal of time being assholes.
10:08PM: About Newtown and gun control..."this time it's different". Except not really and it's been two months and Congress still hasn't done anything. But other than that, it's much different this time.
10:11PM: Republicans won't even applaud for voting on gun control laws. If you were honestly against something and thought it was a bad idea, wouldn't you be all for stepping up and voting against it?
10:12PM: "they deserve a vote"...best section of a State of the Union speech I can remember in a while. Well done Prez.
10:14PM: Hey look, that old lady voted. Way to get back to the silly nonsense! I'm sorry, I'm sure it's a very inspiring story, but these little human interest stories are always my least favorite part of this, and really, of anything.
10:16PM: And hey it's over. Sort of crash landed there, but OK.
10:17PM: I'm going to stick around for the Marco Rubio response. Last year Paul Ryan's response was basically just 10 different ways to propose tax cuts. I'm not expecting much more out of Marco, but we'll see.
10:25PM: If Rubio doesn't show up soon I'm bailing. I can't wait around forever just because he has great hair.
10:27PM: Finally, here comes Marco Rubio. I predict I'll never have that thought again. Before I find 15 different ways to call Marco stupid, I want to give him some honest credit for doing this. For every guy who made a name for himself giving the State of the Union response, there's another guy who committed political suicide attempting to pull it off. This isn't easy.
10:30PM: Right off the bat..."for much of history, people lived in societies where a tiny minority stayed at the top and nobody else had a chance". Ummm, that seems to be where the Republicans have been trying to take us for the last 32 years. That's a literal description of the result of Republican policies. Not a good start buddy.
10:32PM: They should have scored Marco a podium. He's having trouble figuring out what to do with his hands.
10:33PM: Obamacare is bad, check. Obama is divisive, check.
10:36PM: If the President will abandon his obsession with raising taxes, the Republicans promise to continue their obsession with lowering taxes. Deal?
10:37PM: I think Rubio is also wearing the same outfit as Obama and Biden #doubleawkward
10:38PM: Republicans don't say "school vouchers" that much anymore, but that's still what they're talking about.
10:40PM: I don't know what Republicans think the President wants to do to the rights of law abiding Americans, but I guarantee that there's nothing in the Constitution about having the right to unregulated firearms.
10:41PM: Yikes. Rubio just stopped for a drink of water. Clearly unplanned since he had to stop and reach out of frame to grab the bottle. That was super awkward and probably all anyone will remember from his speech.
10:43PM: I honestly haven't been listening since that weird water break. Rubio's sound team isn't doing him any favors either. The words weren't especially terrible, but the stagecraft was just an atrocity.
Well, there you go.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Untitled Lance Armstrong Thing
OK, I can't think of a title for this post and I'm tired of trying. I'm going to start reading A Farewell to Arms again soon, maybe it'll help inspire me. Anyway...
Did you hear that Lance Armstrong supposedly confessed his use of performance enhancers to Oprah? That's right! The worst kept secret in the history of sports, the shocking truth that you've already pretty much known for ten years, will be revealed on a channel you probably couldn't find on your TV even if you wanted to. Get excited!
I'll be honest and say that I've never really liked Lance. He always seemed like kind of a tool. And you couldn't even call him a tool because people would be like "hey jerk! look at all that money he raised for cancer", and then you feel shame. But I'm on Lance's side here. Let's be clear about what happened.
First, Lance got cancer and everyone said he was going to die. Then, instead of dying, he won the Tour de France seven times. Then, he raised half a billion dollars for cancer research. That's billion with a B, as in, holy fucking shit that guy raised half a Billion dollars for cancer research! And now, we're about to find out that he cheated at riding his bike.
And now I'm supposed to think he's a bad guy and he betrayed everyone and fuck him? Are you fucking kidding me? They couldn't even give away some of his Tour de France titles because all the other guys were cheating too. You try to ride your bike around the alps without drugs sometime and see how it goes. Do you want to be buried in Europe or would you like us to fly your body back to the States?
I heard a guy on ESPN today compare Armstrong to Joe Paterno. Seriously? Joe Paterno employed a guy who sexually assaulted children right under his nose. I heard a guy on the radio today compare Armstrong to OJ Simpson. OJ SIMPSON!!! OJ Simpson murdered two people! Lance Armstrong cheated at bike riding. What the fuck is wrong with you morons?
(Yes, I admit that, outside of New York, sports talk radio is always awful. Sometimes, on the ride home, I listen to this crazy Jesus freak just for laughs, or sometimes I just listen to static. They're both better than listening to local sports radio talk about minor league basketball and high school golf. So it's not the best example of what people might actually be saying. But still, morons.)
Yes, Lance is a bully and kind of a dick, just like every other great athlete you've ever met. But he didn't steal our money. Let me ask you something? Did you give money to the Lance Armstrong Foundation because you think French cycling is awesome and you have to support any charity associated with it, or because you thought maybe it would be nice to cure cancer? It's a simple question. If we find out Lance was using the Foundation money to buy steroids, then he stole your money. Otherwise, shut the fuck up please.
OK, yes, there's some anger here that should be rightly directed at gun nuts and Congress people who won't give money to Sandy victims. And I'll deal with them as soon as I can write one complete sentence about either group without using the word fuck. But for now this is the best I can do.
If you want to hate Lance Armstrong, that's OK with me. I never really liked him to begin with. But don't sit there and tell me he betrayed everyone, or that you thought he was a great guy until just now. You gave him money for cancer research and he used it on cancer research. If you were inspired by him, it was because he beat cancer. He still did that, it wasn't a magic trick. Would he have been significantly less inspirational to people with cancer if he had decided not to use performance enhancers and finished 9th in the Tour de France seven times. I highly doubt it. It sounds to me like we all got the deal we were promised.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Hunting Is Stupid
About a year and a half ago when some numbnuts opened fire on a sitting Congresswomen and a bunch of other innocent people in Tuscon, people said it wasn't the right time to talk about gun control, because you don't want to exploit a tragedy for political gain. Really? You know what exploiting a tragedy is? Selling a 9/11 commemorative coin with a little picture of the twin towers on it and not giving 100% of the profits to fire fighters is exploiting a tragedy. Talking about gun control after yet another round of pointless gun-related deaths is trying to fix the problem. It's the same thing as building better levees after your city was destroyed by a hurricane.
Personally, I'm not really for total gun control. Yes, I think owning a gun is dumb, but it's not really the government's job to keep us from doing dumb things. On the other hand, rights have limits. I'm allowed to own a car, but I'm not allowed to buy an Indy car and drive it around. My right to own and drive an automobile is infringed upon by other peoples' right to not be killed by me zipping around the neighborhood at 200 MPH, and I'm OK with that, because I'm a grown up and I understand that we're trying to have a civilization here.
So, I understand if someone wants to own one small-magazine, non-automatic pistol for protection or whatever, but nobody needs an assault rifle. Nobody needs a semi-automatic anything and nobody needs more than one gun.
First of all, hunting is stupid. If you really live somewhere that requires you to hunt for food, than fine, you can have one rifle. But in this way, most people are like me. I can think of at least 8 supermarkets that have plenty of perfectly good edible meat and are a shorter drive from where I live than any wooded area where I would hunt for food, and I don't even live in a real city anymore. Most people are just hunting for fun, and if killing stuff for fun is a regular part of your life, you may want to consult your local psychiatrist.
Secondly, if you really want to live off the land like our caveman ancestors (that you may or may not believe in) than shouldn't you be hunting with a crossbow or large rocks like real ancient humans? Seriously, if you're hunting for sport, I'm not sure I see the sport in killing a deer from 50 yards away with an assault rifle.
I heard a guy on TV today say that it's perfectly reasonable for someone who shoots targets regularly to buy thousands of rounds of ammunition in a month. I'm not sure he understands what reasonable means, and the fact the recreational gun use provides a context for someone to see purchasing thousands of bullets as reasonable should be a hint that maybe we need to scale things back a bit.
And honestly, why can't people who like to shoot targets just get bullets at the shooting range? When I go to the driving range I hit maybe 100 balls. I don't buy 100 golf balls. I know you can only use a bullet once, but still.
Shouldn't we all be able to agree on this? Why does half the country freak out at the idea of any kind of gun control? Is it really a slippery slope? Is an assault weapons ban really just three steps away from Barack Obama landing a helicopter on your roof and forcing you and your family to convert to islam?
Guns are everywhere, you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube, they say. OK, but that doesn't mean you leave the toothpaste all over the goddamn bathroom forever. I hate when I hear people who are supposed to be running this place make that "well, there's nothing you can do, so screw it" argument. If you don't feel like you can do anything about the country's problems, resign from whatever position you hold and let someone else at least try.
So here's my proposal. Everybody gets one non-automatic gun if they want one and, like, 15 bullets a year. If you need more than 15 bullets a year for self-defense, you might want to try not pissing so many people off. If you have a better idea, that's fine with me. And if you're a Senator with a better idea, or a member of the House, or a President, well that would be just great.
There's an idiot (who is also somehow a Senator, seriously) on Fox right now saying that this thing that happened Friday "isn't about guns" and he wishes he could "wave a magic wand" to stop these tragedies from happening. He went on to say that maybe so many people wouldn't have been shot if maybe someone else in the theater had a gun and had shot back. Yes! Public firefights between armed crazy people and relatively untrained private citizens sound like a great idea! Oh and he just added my favorite argument about how he'd hate to see a tragedy like this used to reduce Americans' freedom. Congratulations Senator, you're officially a moron.
Things like this aren't the fault of anyone but the shooter, but you can see why some people point a finger at guys like this idiot on Fox right now. You don't really need a magic wand Senator Idiot, you just need to stop being stupid and vote for an assault weapons ban. Abracadabra!
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
What Mitt Should Do
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Comrade Obama's Manifesto
Tonight should be pretty fun. The State of the Union address in an election year, for a President running for re-election, is basically just a big campaign speech. In a way it's sad that we can't get sitting Presidents to take one hour out of campaigning to just talk about the actual state of the union. But in another, more important way, it's fun because it's the one campaign speech the opposition party is forced to sit and watch.
After 18 Republican debates, it'll be hard for me not to see this as a one-man Democratic debate. Speaking of 18 Republican debates, Mitt Romney released his tax returns today. Now I'm supposed to be appalled by how low his actual tax rate is, but I'm not. I don't care how much Mitt pays in taxes, as long as I don't have to vote for him.
Hey! Wouldn't it be a good idea for the President to enter the State of the Union address the same way a wrestler enters the arena? I have to believe President Obama would have pretty sweet entrance music. Things would be so much better if I was in charge.
9:01PM: I don't know why the State of the Union address needs to start fashionably late, but I'm already pretty annoyed.
9:03PM: Apparently, Warren Buffet's secretary has been invited to tonight's speech. I really do expect more from the President. First of all, that's just stupid. I know the point the President is trying to make about tax rates, but his laser beam focus on one specific secretary seems silly, and a little creepy. Secondly, I'm not convinced being Warren Buffet's secretary is that bad of a deal. I imagine money falls off Buffet wherever he goes the way dogs shed fur all over the place. His secretary probably makes tens of thousands of dollars every year, tax free, just by cleaning up around the office after he goes home.
9:07PM: Watch out, Mr. President! Eric Cantor is right behind you! Where is the Secret Service when you need them?
9:08PM: On his way in, the President pointed at the Secretary of Defense and said "good job tonight, good job tonight". Did we kill someone else? Who's left?
9:10PM: I'm watching on CNN (because they always have fun/silly graphics) and Blitzer is as intrigued by what the President said to Leon Panetta as I am.
9:12PM: We started off with a reminder that the Iraq War is over and osama bid laden is dead. Later, the President is going to fight a bear right here in the House chamber.
9:13PM: I'm 97% sure Biden and Boehner are already drunk. Seriously, those two should not be allowed to sit together. I don't care if it means one of them has to resign. It's just not a good idea.
9:15PM: The President is making the case that the generation returning from Iraq and (eventually) Afghanistan can have the same prosperity the generation that came back from World War 2 had. I don't know why everyone loves the 50's so much, they always looked kinda boring to me.
9:16PM: He just got Republicans to stand and clap for everyone getting a "fair shot" and "playing by the same rules". Don't clap for that Republicans! It's a trap! He's about to talk about how your policies cause the exact opposite of those things to happen.
9:18PM: Apparently this Obama guy is the President of a country where the economy is doing awesome. Can I move there? Is it far?
9:21PM: Members of Congress appear to be clapping whenever the President mentions their city. We just got a smattering of applause for Detroit, and another one for Pittsburgh. Is this a speech or a Kiss concert? I hate Kiss.
9:23PM: I learned this last year, Boehner isn't making faces at the President, that's just how his face looks.
9:24PM: The President is proposing lower taxes for companies that keep jobs in America, and even lower taxes for companies that create manufacturing jobs in America. What a Communist!
9:27PM: Just went through a whole thing about unfair Chinese trade practices. Who let Mitt Romney in here?
9:29PM: First mention of some random person I don't care about. I hate these. Apparently Seamans is sending some lady to community college. That's enough to get her invited to the State of the Union and seated next to the First Lady. Down year for inspirational stories I guess.
9:32PM: The President wants to let schools reward good teachers and get rid of bad teachers. That sounds like a pretty good idea. Why aren't we already doing this again?
9:33PM: The President wants every state to force all students to stay in high school until they graduate or turn 18. How exactly would you enforce that? Also, Ron Paul's head just exploded (and I'm not sure he's even in the building).
9:34PM: The President wants colleges and universities to stop raising tuition. Add that to the list of things that are definitely not going to happen.
9:36PM: The House of Representatives has really ugly wall paper.
9:37PM: In an odd move, even for them, Republicans decided not to clap for the idea of women getting equal pay for equal work. They can't possibly disagree with that, they must not have been listening. I don't entirely blame them, this is already getting pretty long, and it's way past John McCain's bed time.
9:39PM: Did you know American oil production is the highest it's been in 8 years? I didn't know that.
9:41PM: Whole section about natural gas. If you can get that stuff out of the ground in a way that's honestly safe, go nuts! But right now, drilling for that shit is dangerous. I know I'm heavily biased about water pollution, because I'm a form of life that needs clean drinking water, but still.
9:43PM: End tax breaks for oil companies and double down on tax credits for clean energy. That sounds like a pretty good idea. That's definitely something I think we could do, as long as none of these politicians are owned by oil companies.
9:46PM: The President just mentioned the Hoover Dam. Sidenote: I was at a reservoir with my friend Sadie on Sunday, and there was a dam there, and dams are really cool. No jokes here, seriously, dams are awesome, we should build way more of them. I'll quit my job to go build dams right now, as long as I only have to build them in the winter when it's not hot out. Anyway, where were we?
9:49PM: While I was rambling about dams, we got into the whole regulations/free market/if I just keep doing things Republicans say they like, maybe they'll start liking me part of the speech.
9:51PM: The President appears to be suggesting that we should get rid of stupid regulations but keep the smart ones. That's a little too complicated for Republicans, but it really is a good idea.
9:53PM: I was lying before when I said I'm watching CNN for the graphics. I really just feel sorry for them.
9:54PM: Everybody in the chamber just applauded for passing the payroll tax cut extension right away. Since everybody's on board, it seems like it shouldn't be so hard to do. I don't remember, was that really easy to do, or was it a month-long catastrophuck?
9:56PM: Calling anything "the Buffet rule" is just ridiculous. I hate Jimmy Buffet.
9:57PM: I'm putting the President on a "Warren Buffet's secretary" limit. If he doesn't cool it with that nonsense, I'm voting Republican in November. Seriously, I'll do it. I live in Massachusetts, my vote doesn't matter.
10:00PM: Regarding the debate about raising the debt ceiling, the President looked right at the Republicans and said "who benefited from that fiasco?" Best line of the night so far.
10:04PM: We seem to be coming in for a landing here and we still haven't found out about what he said to Panetta on the way in. Tell us dammit!
10:06PM: Come on, Mr. President, wrap it up. Biden has to catch the 10:19PM Amtrak back to Delaware.
10:07PM: Shot of Joe Lieberman in the crowd. Does he seriously still work there?
10:09PM: "anyone who tells you that America is in decline, or that our influence has waned, doesn't know what they're talking about". The President seems kind of feisty tonight. I think he's looking forward to campaigning again.
10:10PM: Quick mention of cyber threats in a chamber full of people who have no idea what that means.
10:14PM: Sort of finishing back where we started...aren't the troops great?...and remember that time I told them to shoot bin laden in the face?
Hey, guess what! We're not done yet. Time for Mitch Daniels and the Republican response. I've got a whole list of short jokes ready. He's not a large man.
10:28PM: Standing in a dimly lit room, Daniels waited a good 8 seconds to start talking. Not a good start.
10:29PM: Mitch says almost half of people under 30 didn't go to work today. To be fair, a lot of that has to do with internet porn.
10:30PM: Daniels referred to the government as "big and bossy". Yeah President Obama! You're not the boss of me!
10:31PM: Daniels says we'll never be a nation of haves and have nots, we're a nation of haves and soon to haves. That just sounds like a more bullshitty way of saying have nots.
I should interject here and say that I actually like Mitch Daniels. He seems like a decent guy and a pretty good governor and I wish he had run this year. This is just kind of a goofy speech.
10:36PM: Daniels said the Obama administration is always trying to divide us. Yeah! That stupid communist muslim immigrant president is always saying divisive things. What a jerk!
Alright, I'm pulling the plug on Mitch. This speech is awful. I like Mitch, but the Republican party is a train wreck right now. See you (and every other Republican with a working brain) in 2016.
It appears that I am, once again, being cheated out of seeing the hilarious tea party response. Stupid networks! Hermain Cain is doing it this year! Herman Cain! What if he does it in his pimp hat? How fun would that be?