What Mitt Should Do

After watching Mitt Romney campaign for a few months, I'm forced to ask, is Mitt's campaign being run by a brain trust of infants and angry chimpanzees?  Honestly, with the President as vulnerable as he is, I'm baffled by the Romney campaign's inability to ever do anything right.  Campaigns for student council president in high schools have been better run.  

Now, I'm not rooting for Mitt, but there's always a part of me that roots for the trainwreckiest outcome possible, which is obviously a Romney victory.  If Mitt wins, I predict we'll lose an entire state by 2016.  We'll have no idea where it went.  Mitt might know, but he won't tell us.  I hope it's Texas.

Doesn't that sound fun?  Not even a little?  Well I think it does, so here's what I think Mitt needs to do to win.

1) Release His Tax Returns

How stupid can Mitt Romney possibly be?  He's at least smart enough to send his money on permanent tropical vacations.  It's unbelievable to me that Mitt doesn't understand how poorly he's handling this thing with the tax returns.  Here are some things everybody already knows about Mitt:

1) He's super duper rich.

2) His money lives in far away places.

3) Because he doesn't work anymore, and mostly just makes money from investments, he pays a frustratingly low tax rate.

Mitt's tax returns will tell us all of these things, not that we need them to.  Unless Mitt's tax returns will also somehow reveal a 7 figure "hooker disposal" budget, there's no way releasing his returns could possibly be more damaging than four months of stories about how he won't release them.  You know what nobody will give a shit about once Mitt releases his tax returns?  Mitt's tax returns.

Also, even though the current Republican theory of economics is demonstrably nonsense, doesn't the fact that Mitt has to hide his money off-shore sort of play right into their whole argument about how we need a Republican President to create an environment that's conducive to business and investment?  What am I missing?

2) Shut Up About Health Care

Anybody stupid enough to fall for the Republican talking points about the Affordable Care Act is already voting for Romney because they think Barack Obama is a secret muslim communist socialist. 

And it isn't just that arguing against, ya know, insuring more people, makes you looks stupid.  It also makes you looks like kind of a dick.  When Republicans say health care reform will lead to "rationing", what they're really saying is "hey look, if we let more people get insurance, then more people will be going to the doctor, and we might have to wait longer, and we'd rather just let some poor people die than figure out a better system." 

If Mitt wants to make the argument that the Affordable Care Act is just a big government give away to big insurance companies, I'm cool with that.  But if he wants to make the argument that it's a socialist government take-over of health care, than he's an idiot. 

Lost my train of thought there a little, this health care debate still makes me crazy, moving on...  

3) Pick a Normal Running Mate

Remember what John McCain did when he picked a running mate?  Mitt should do exactly not that.  McCain picked a clown to run with him and it turned his campaign into a circus.  Romney should pick Tim Pawlenty.  He's the vanilla pudding of politicians.  He'll sit quietly and not say anything stupid, which already gives him an advantage over Biden.  If you ask for anything else from a running mate, you're just setting yourself up for failure.

Also, I like Tim Pawlenty.  The fact that he got knocked out of the Republican primaries almost immediately only proves my point that he might actually not be an idiot.  And, for all the those evangelicals who are worried about how mormon-y Romney is, I hear T-Paw is super jesus-y.

4) Talk About Results

Don't let the Obama campaign dismiss the still struggling economy by blaming everything on Congress. Is it true that Barack Obama hasn't really been able to do anything about jobs because Congressional Republicans have spent the last two years "governing" like fussy six-year-olds?  Yes, but who cares?  How does that help anyone?  Do you think, if the President gets re-elected, Republicans will suddenly grow up and realize they need to work with him?  

Romney needs to make the point that he's not blaming the President for the current state of the economy, he's just saying the President isn't the guy to fix it.  It may not be fair, but it's probably true.

(sidenote: there's zero evidence Romney is the guy to fix it, and a decent amount of evidence that the policies Mitt wants to implement are what broke the economy in the first place, but voters really aren't that bright.  You have to have like three consecutive intelligent thoughts to get to where I just went, most swing voters can barely string together three polysyllabic words).  

Barack Obama's only defense against the unemployment rate is that it's not his fault.  If Mitt makes the point that it doesn't matter whose fault it is, the Obama campaign will be mostly defenseless on the economy, which is the only thing anybody really cares about right now.

5) Lower Expectations

Barack Obama is going to murder Mitt Romney in three debates.  It isn't really Mitt's fault.  How is he supposed to compete with an actual smart person after a year of debating mouth-breathers like Santorum and Gingrich.  The only intelligent counter points Mitt ever heard during the primaries came from Ron Paul, and he never had to respond to those because the crowd was always booing Ron ("Boooooooooo! what you said is logical and I hate it! Boooooooo!")

Do you remember the Palin/Biden debates from four years ago?  Everything we knew about Palin suggested she wouldn't be able to get through the debate without setting her podium on fire.  So, when she managed to make it to the stage without getting lost, half of the media immediately declared her the winner.  Sure, her points were mostly incoherent nonsense, but she smiled a lot and seemed to have a decent grasp of the English language, and that was really more than we were expecting.

Mitt needs to pull the same trick.  By the time we get to the debates, people should be saying that Mitt wins as long as his battery doesn't run out on national TV.  I think he's well on his way.

6) Pretend He's Never Met Congress

Mitt should run as far away from Congressional Republicans as possible.  Obama should do the same thing with Congressional Democrats, but this isn't about the President right now.  You know who people hate?  Congress.  You know how Mitt could lock up about a million swing votes in about 10 seconds?  Walk up to a microphone somewhere and say "you know, I'm a Republican and all, but Michele Bachmann really is a fucking idiot.  I just felt like I needed to share."  Wait, are mormons allowed to say that word?  He may have to re-write it a little.  Can he say gosh darn?

And that's pretty much it.  You have a sitting President with a somewhat disappointed base and an unemployment rate over 8%.  If Mitt Romney can spend the next four months not being a moron and staying out of his own way, I give him about a 75% chance of winning.  Terrifying?  Yes.  But also true.  Luckily for everyone, the chances of him spending four months not being a moron are not quite so high, so there's still hope.  

Welcome to New Hampshire

Welcome to the one week every four years when we all pretend to give a crap about New Hampshire.  This year's New Hampshire Republican primary seems to be pretty much settled already, but we're going to have a debate anyway.  Actually we're having two, in twelve hours.  Obviously, I have no interest in watching the 9AM Sunday morning debate.  Who's in charge of this schedule anyway?

In other Republican primary news, the black guy is long gone, and now the lady is gone too.  We're left with the six old white guys.  This is really starting to look like a Republican field now.  I'll miss Michele Bachmann, she really brought the crazy sometimes, it was fun.

Tonight's debate, just like the last ABC debate, is being moderated by Diane Sawyer and George Stephanopoulos.  They're being joined by some guy from New Hampshire.  I assume he's a local news anchor, so he'll be in charge of throwing to commercial with lines like "would electing Mitt Romney result in immediate death for your children?  We'll tell you in three minutes."

Also, I'll be chatting with my buddy Dave during tonight's debate.  He lives in Ohio, where Presidential election votes actually matter, so his comments are particularly valuable.

9:01PM: Ron Paul is already smirking. 

9:03PM: Romney says the President deserves no credit for the recent good economic news.  Of course, he deserves all the blame for everything bad that happens.  It's like the opposite of how Republicans feel about god.

9:05PM: Santorum says the Commander in Chief isn't a CEO.  Well, he's a CE.  I mean, that's two thirds of the way there.  And he is a Constitutional officer, so there's your O.  I'm not sure Rick knows what he's talking about.  This isn't really news to me.

9:07PM: Romney claims that pointing out how he made his money laying people off is actually "putting free enterprise on trial".  Mitt is clearly representing the defense in that trial.

9:09PM: Stephanopoulus just noticed that Huntsman is here.

9:10PM: It sounded like Huntsman just tried to describe himself as a mix of Romney and Santorum.  I'm not sure that's really the candidate Jon wants to be.  I mean, a mix of Santorum and anything isn't a positive thing. (Google it).

9:12PM: Romney just used the word "governmental".  Is that a word?  I've heard the word non-governmental, but I've never heard anyone use governmental on it's own.

9:13PM: My man Ron just spent a full minute pointing out the many ways in which Santorum is actually a big government person.  I've been saying this for months. 

9:14PM: Santorum appears to be claiming that all of the money he's taken from lobbyists is actually some kind of liberal plot to make him look corrupt.  He also says he's a "cause guy".  I would have gone with "dumb guy".

9:16PM: Santorum won't shut up, he's also claiming to be a coal guy.  Why is that a good thing?  Dave adds "Santorum is as much of a coal miner as Derek Zoolander".

9:18PM: Seriously, why is Rick Perry still here?  Perry claims he's what Americans are looking for.  Polls and election results would beg to differ.

9:19PM: Santorum just said that when the government owes more money than it has, you have to increase the debt ceiling (correct), but then he immediately pointed out that he opposed the last debt ceiling increase (wait, what?).

9:22PM: Sawyer's last question to Romney: "Governor Romney?"  Mitt was understandably confused.

9:24PM: Mitt says the President isn't doing enough to show Iran that we're willing to go to war with them.  Here we go again with Iran.  Mitt also points out, correctly I guess, that the current President isn't willing to build a big enough military for all the wars Mitt wants to start. 

9:26PM: Perry accuses President Obama of putting America's freedoms in jeopardy by cutting the DOD budget.  There's nothing that worries Republicans more than the sudden disappearance of our freedoms.

9:27PM: Newt's response to Ron calling him a chicken hawk: "my father served in the military".  My grandpa fought in world war two, that doesn't make me a General.

9:28PM: The moderators keep asking Ron to repeat things he's already said.  Ron says guys like Newt who took deferments when they could have fought in wars have no right to send our kids over to unnecessary wars.  The other people on the stage look confused.  What good is being President if you can't use our soldiers as political tools to make yourself look tough?

9:29PM: Newt says Ron has a long history of saying things that are false.  Like Newt, I sometimes confuse Ron with myself.

9:31PM: Ron says the inherent racism in our judicial system is way more concerning than racist things on Ron Paul fliers from 20 years ago.  That's a fair point.  Other things Ron might want to point out...1) It's not like he's any worse on race than anyone else on the stage 2) Santorum says bigoted things about homosexuals every time he opens his stupid mouth.  Having said all that, I'm not really buying Ron's whole "I didn't know what was on my own fliers" excuse.  Just say you're sorry.

9:38PM: Romney seems genuinely annoyed by the question about banning contraception.  This was a weird few minutes.  Romney really didn't want to get into the whole contraception thing.  George kept asking him if the states should be able to ban contraception, he kept saying states don't want to.  George would not stop asking him. 

9:42PM: Finally, someone who knows what he's talking about.  Ron clears up this whole thing about contraception and privacy rights by pointing out that the right to privacy exists in the 4th amendment.  I like how Mitt, who is running for President, eventually just turned to Ron and said "let's just ask the constitutionalist".

9:44PM: Gingrich says we ought to find ways for gay couples to have the same rights as straight married couples.  We did find a way to give people those rights.  It's called marriage.  It works pretty well.  If you want to give people the same rights as other people, you probably should just, ya know, give them the same rights.

9:47PM: Santorum says same sex adoption isn't a federal issue, and it wouldn't really matter anyway because his federal gay marriage ban would prevent same sex adoption.  As always, Santorum is a douche.

9:48PM: Republicans feel the same way about homosexuals and marriage that three-year-olds feel about other three-year-olds their toys.  NO! YOU CAN'T HAVE IT! NOOO!!!! IT'S MINE!  MINE! MINE! MINE!

9:50PM: Newt asks if the Catholic church should be punished for it's bigotry against homosexuals.  Um, yes.  Good idea Newtster.  Oh, I think he was being sarcastic.  Well, it's still a good idea.

9:52PM: Ron says he won't run as a third party candidate.  Come on, Ron!  Do it!

9:53PM: Perry says the current administration is engaged in a war on religion.  Believe me Rick, if that was happening, I'd be the first one to point it out, because I'd be too excited to keep it quiet.

9:55PM: Huntsman: "I don't want to be nation building in southwest Asia when this nation is in need".  That's such an obvious argument, why did it take ten years and a Republican to make it?

9:56PM: Then Huntsman points out that the President's job as Commander in Chief is more than just listening to the commanders on the ground.  I wish Huntsman had any chance at all to win, I think he'd be a really interesting candidate.

9:58PM: Dave's summary of Newt's answer on Afghanistan (and Iran, and Pakistan): "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"  That pretty much sums it up.

9:59PM: Santorum wouldn't bring troops home until "the security of our nation is ensured".  As far as I can tell, that would only happen after Rick has killed every muslim in the world with his bare hands.

10:00PM: In a bold move, Perry comes out in support of sending troops back into Iraq.  Wow!  Somebody should ask him about going back into Vietnam.

10:02PM: Romney should have a sign above his podium that reads "Warning, Governor Romney's answers may not contain any actual answers".

10:03PM: New Hampshire guy refers to foreign policy as Ron Paul's Achilles heel.  He wasn't joking.  Man the Republican party sucks.

10:05PM: Rick Santorum: Fact free since 2004.

10:12PM: Sawyer says we're going to find out what the candidates think about creating jobs.  Let me save everyone some time.  Tax cuts for corporations and rich people.  Next topic.

10:13PM: Mitt admits that rebuilding infrastructure is one way to get the economy going.  Obviously, it's not something Republicans are willing to do, but at least Mitt understands we could do it. 

10:16PM: Huntsman says you can create jobs by expanding the tax base.  So he'd create jobs by...creating jobs?  He's like a job creating jedi.

10:18PM: Santorum continues to claim he knows how to get all of our manufacturing jobs back.  I do too, but I don't think Americans are willing to work 80 hours a week for 25 cents an hour.

10:19PM: Mitt says we're inches away from no longer being a free economy.  Inches people!

10:20PM: Mitt also says he wants to help out the middle class.  If you look at his actual plan, he wants to eliminate the capital gains tax for middle class people.  Because, as you know, middle class people are really suffering because of the high capital gains tax.

10:21PM: At least Perry is honest about how he wants us to let energy companies ruin federal lands and poison our drinking water.

10:24PM: Huntsman says we can win back manufacturing investment from China "if we are smart enough".  Uh oh, that doesn't really sound like us.  Is he sure he doesn't mean "militant enough" or "religious enough"?  Because smart enough doesn't really sound like something we can pull off.

10:26PM: Mitt Romney does not like Europe.  He asks if we are going to remain an exceptional and unique nation.  Well, sure we are.  I mean, that's only real in Republicans' minds anyway, so it can stay that way as long as they want.

10:28PM: Santorum says "there are no classes in America".  Sorry Rick, you haven't eliminated the poor and the middle class yet.  Keep trying.

10:30PM: I swear I think Mitt Romney believes poor people would seriously benefit from a capital gains tax cut.  I think Mitt believes that even the poorest American have millions in stock options.

10:32PM: Romney's attack on Huntsman: While Huntsman spent the last two years in China, ya know, doing stuff, the rest of these people were at home being good Americans by trying to destroy the President.

10:33PM: Huntsman just spoke Chinese.  If you were wondering when the Huntsman campaign officially ended, it was at 10:33PM eastern time on January 7th.

10:41PM: Three of these guys say they'd be watching the college football championship tonight if they weren't at a debate.  That game happens on Monday, by the way.

10:42PM: And, um...that's it.  These debate endings keep getting weirder and weirder.

Well, Mitt's going to win New Hampshire on Tuesday, and he's probably going to win South Carolina too.  The media will spend the next two or three months trying to convince us that this primary election is still interesting, but it probably ended when Mitt won Iowa.  I know it seems like 75% of Republicans just will not vote for Romney under any circumstances, but at some point, you find yourself almost voting for Rick Santorum and you think "wait, what's happening here?"  Then you either vote for Romney or change parties.

Seven Levels of Terror

With Iowa's caucuses coming up this week, there are still, amazingly and inexplicably, seven candidates for the Republican nomination.  Seven.  I thought Republicans were supposed to be the organized ones.  Isn't there anyone in charge over there who can tell people like Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry that it's over?  Just tell them Jesus says it's time to give up.

Anyway, now seems like as good a time as any to reset the field going into the actual voting.  I know, it seems like we've been doing this for around nine years already and there hasn't even been any voting yet.  Here's who we have left, ranked from least terrifying to most terrifying.

Ron Paul
Doomsday scenario: Ron spends the first year of his Presidency actually getting Congress to do all the crazy domestic things he wants to do.  This is followed by one year of watching our society crumble and two years of total chaos.

Chances of this happening: 0.1%

Upside: We'd probably get some zombies out of the deal.  Super-libertarian, freedom-loving zombies.

Chances I'd vote for him in a general election: Honestly, like 45%.  I'd take Ron's foreign policy over the current administration in a heartbeat, and it's not like President Obama is killing it on the domestic side right now.  He couldn't even get Republicans to extend the payroll tax cut for a full year.  Tax cuts are literally the only thing those people believe in.

Final Thought: If you're one of those people who believes that the fix is in with our government and there really is no difference made by who we actually elect, you have to vote for Ron.  First of all, he'll either prove you right or prove you wrong.  And secondly, if it doesn't matter anyway, he'd clearly be the most fun to watch.

Other Final Thought: I think the wild card for me with Ron Paul is that he seems to dislike some of these other candidates almost as much as I do.

Jon Huntsman
Doomsday scenario:  Debates between President Obama and Huntsman are so boring that we're all forced to kill ourselves before election day.  As it turns out, Huntsman is a secret Chinese agent, and boring us to death was his plan all along.  The few survivors later find out that he's actually super-interesting.

Chances of this happening: 1%, maybe 2%

Upside: In a huge upset, Canada fights off the invading Chinese army and takes over the U.S.  The NHL expands to 64 teams and those of us who are still alive get to enjoy a year-round hockey schedule.

Chances I'd vote for him in a general election: I don't know, maybe 20%.  Huntsman seems so reasonable and, dare I say, smart sometimes.  But then, every once in a while, I'll hear someone on Fox who I don't like tell me that Huntsman is actually the most conservative candidate in the field.  I would certainly keep an open mind if he won the nomination, but I doubt he'd get my vote.

Final Thought: Huntsman isn't even trying in Iowa.  Considering he's probably the most qualified candidate in the field, I think this says more about Iowa Republicans than it does about Huntsman.

Mitt Romney
Doomsday scenario: During his first State of the Union address, the Mittron 3000 short circuits while trying to simultaneously take three sides of the same issue.  With no constitutional direction on how to handle a short circuiting robot President, the government and the country are thrown into chaos.  Bill Gates eventually repairs the President, but does too good of a job.  The Mittron 3000 becomes Skynet and, well, you know what happens from there.

Chances of this happening: 5%

Upside: If we have to have a post-apocalyptic sci-fi future, why not this one?  I mean, at least they have time travel.

Chances I'd vote for him in a general election: 5%.  People seem to think Romney would be the toughest opponent for President Obama.  I don't know.  Mitt's total inability to get anyone to like him stands in pretty stark contrast to the President's high personal likability.  I can't see an undecided voter watching those two guys for more than ten seconds without immediately deciding to vote for Obama.

Final Thought: Mitt is the ultimate political opportunist.  He's 100% pragmatism.  In a better time, I think he'd actually make a pretty good President.  But with a useless Congress and a pretty dumb public, a President with no beliefs of his own would only make things worse.

Michele Bachmann
Doomsday scenario: Right after her inauguration, President Bachmann finds out she can't actually repeal Obamacare on day one because 1) there's no such thing as Obamacare and 2) the President can't just randomly repeal laws passed by Congress.  Bachmann resigns in protest just five hours after being sworn in, leaving Vice President Palin in charge.  From there, pretty much all roads lead to doom.

Chances of this happening: 8%

Upside: President Palin could get bored and quit before she does any real damage.  I'm just not willing to take that chance.

Chances I'd vote for her in a general election: 0%.  Sorry, she's not the worst candidate, but she's way to into Jesus for me.

Final Thought: I continue to believe Bachmann is significantly smarter than she lets on.  I genuinely respect how much she's improved as a candidate over the last year and she honestly wouldn't be the worst nominee the Republicans could find.  Unfortunately, she should be killing in Iowa and instead she's currently polling 6th in a 6 person race.  Time to turn out the lights.

Rick Perry
Doomsday scenario: Rick sells the entire country to Mexico for a pouch full of magic beans and 50 pounds of carne asada. 

Chances of this happening: In all honesty, I'd put this at a healthy 30-35%. 

Upside: Carne asada!

Chances I'd vote for him in a general election: Also 0%.  Come on, we have to go at least 40 years before we elect another Texas governor, right?

Final Thought: I predicted that Rick would run for President a long time ago after I saw him being nice and trying to act reasonable on the Daily Show.  Sadly, no one could have predicted how bad he'd be at it.

Rick Santorum
Doomsday scenario: Immediately after his inauguration, Santorum starts wars with five different countries, all selected at random with a ouija board, but somehow all muslim.  He quickly loses interest in his holy wars after someone tells him that there's a gay guy somewhere in Washington DC and he'd better go deal with it, but the damage is already done.

Chances of this happening: It's kind of a two-parter, so only like 15%.  But the chances of President Santorum starting at least one new war would be something like 110%.

Upside: I think a Santorum Presidency would provide the most unintentional comedy of any of these people.

Chances I'd vote for him in a general election: Come on, seriously? 

Final Thought: Personally, Santorum is probably my least favorite of any of these people, but I'd still beg him to be President before I'd consider voting for this next guy.

Newt Gingrich
Doomsday Scenario: Newt being elected President is the doomsday scenario.  He's everything that's wrong with our political system all wrapped up in one insanely arrogant package.  Newt Gingrich is not smart, he's not a historian, he's not a big thinker and even other Republicans know he's not a leader.  He's just a troll that's been living under the bridge of our politics for so long that he knows everything about the bridge.

What's worse?  Newt doesn't even believe most of the nonsense he's constantly spewing.  He knows how to read polls and listen to focus groups and do whatever they say.  He's the worst possible candidate.  He should be forced to wear a sign around his neck at all times that reads "do not vote for me".  If Newt somehow wins Iowa, Iowa should be immediately demoted from first caucus state to voting whenever Guam votes. 

Those last two paragraphs sound angrier than I really am.  Look, Newt's a bad guy.  Nobody should vote for him.  Do so at your own peril.

The Debate Show

Tonight's debate is hosted by Fox "News", so it was preceded by Bill O'Reilly's smirking idiocy hour.  Bill isn't even really a Republican anymore.  He's just an angry old guy who mumbles to himself on TV about these damn kids with their rock music and blue jeans.

I should go easy on Fox, it's tough over there right now.  Nobody knows who the Republican nominee is going to be.  For the propaganda arm of the Republican party, that means they have no idea who they're supposed to be smearing with distortions and falsehoods.  They even let Ron Paul in the studio today.  I hope someone hid Sean Hannity's Ron Paul voodoo doll before Ron showed up.

It appears tonight's moderators/question clowns will be Bret Baier, Neil Cavuto, Christopher Wallace and Megyn Kelly.  That's Megyn with a Y, as in, holy crap, Y would they let Megyn Kelly ask questions at a real debate like an actual journalist.

9:03PM: Once again, Newt works Ronald Reagan into his very first answer.  He's on his game tonight.  I'm surprised he didn't come out wearing a Reagan mask.

9:05PM: Did you know Newt teaches the art of war to 1 and 2 star generals?  Can that be right?  No wonder our last couple of wars didn't go so well.  I'm genuinely terrified by this.  Why would we let Newt teach anyone anything?  Things in this country may be worse than I thought.

9:06PM: Ron Paul says he talks about things that would appeal to Democrats and Independents.  That's true, he's the only one of these guys I'd vote for, although I'm still concerned that his Presidency would be four years of anarchy.

9:08PM: Santorum just referred to himself in the third person.  That's pretty ballsy for a guy polling somewhere around 0%. 

9:10PM: When asked to respond to accusations that he won't be tough enough on President Obama, Romney responds by stoically rattling off what appeared to be a paragraph from his stump speech.

9:11PM: Bachmann says she "spent 50 years as a real person".  I assume that's a reference to Romney being a robot and Newt being the Pillsbury Doughboy.

9:12PM: Cavuto asked Perry about how Obama would debate circles around him.  Perry responded by stuttering over some things he says he'd talk about and then rambling incoherently about Tim Tebow for 30 seconds.  So there.

9:15PM: Huntsman, as he has before, promises to fix America's "trust deficit".  That's not the worst idea I've ever heard, I just don't think he can do it.  It's kind of like when Barack Obama said he was going to change Washington, but then he got there and quickly realized there was no way that was going to happen.

9:17PM: Perry just blamed President Obama for Congress' spectacular failure to do anything useful.  Seems like Perry still doesn't really understand what the President's powers are. 

9:19PM: Ron says people have been coming together for decades to increase spending, now they just have to come together to cut spending.  Ron failed to point out that he probably couldn't get 20 votes in the Senate for how he wants to cut spending (by cutting military spending, among other things).

9:20PM: Bachmann interjects perfectly in this discussion of Congressional gridlock by pointing out that she would never ever raise taxes, ever....ever...no matter what.  I'm starting to think some of this gridlock isn't actually the President's fault.

9:26PM: You can tell this is the one time every four years Iowa gets to be on TV.  They seem pretty excited.

9:27PM: Mitt appears to be claiming that, if you discount all the companies where he cut jobs, he actually added tens of thousands of jobs to companies.  That's true, just like if you skip over all the dumbass things Mitt says, he actually becomes a pretty smart guy.

9:29PM: Newt just accidentally uttered the phrase "more regulations".  I predict he'll regret that.  Republicans do not like regulations.  They don't exactly know what regulations are, but they don't like them.

9:30PM: Ron points out that Newt's job at Freddie Mac wasn't quite as "private sector" as Newt says it is. 

9:32PM: Bachmann just made what I'm going to have to, reluctantly, call a good point.  Newt's assertion is basically that, while he was working for Freddie Mac, he never once used any influence or connection he had with politicians to help Freddie Mac.  Bachmann is basically saying that sounds a lot like bullshit, and she's right.  Then Bachmann accused Newt of influence peddling and hiding behind the technical definition of lobbying.  Right again!  I keep telling you she's smarter than she lets on.

9:35PM: Newt says he only worked for people he already agreed with.  We all know that being a whore is OK as long as you promise to only take money for having sex with people you'd probably have sex with anyway.

9:36PM: When asked by Cavuto if Newt would blame Governor Romney for calling him inconsistent, Newt said he's "not in the business of blaming Governor Romney".  That's right, he's in the business of blaming the media.  Get your facts straight, Cavuto!

9:39PM: Ron says he never voted for an earmark, but he'll take them for his district.  His point being, earmarks come from taxpayer money, so taking them is just taking people's money back for them.  Hmmm...my bullshit spidey sense is tingling.  I'm gonna give Ron the benefit of the doubt, but he'd better watch himself.

9:42PM: Perry goes back like 3 questions to the whole thing about Newt being a whore.  I'm pretty sure everyone watching gets it, Newt's a whore.  Then Perry, once again, suggested his plan to make Congress part time.

9:43PM: Cavuto just made my point, which is Congress only worked 151 days last year, so how many less days does Perry want them to work?  His answer?  140 days every other year.  I assume Perry's belief that you can govern the whole country working 70 days a year is based on Perry's belief that you don't have to know things to govern. 

9:44PM: Huntsman's talking, I had forgotten about him.

9:45PM: Speaking of guys I had forgotten about, it's Rick Santorum.  Santorum still believes that he can tax cut and deregulate our way back to the 50's.

9:46PM: Baier asked Romney what sector will see the most job growth over the next ten years.  Romney says "the free market will determine that".  Translation: Mitt has no idea, and he doesn't really give a shit, he's rich.

9:48PM: Three minutes of idiotic Newt rambling about judges and the courts, followed by a minute or so of idiotic Bachmann agreement.  This is hard to summarize.  Basically, Newt wants judges to do what Newt wants them to do, and if they don't, Newt wants the power to get rid of them.  Either the individual judges, or maybe just the whole court.  If you watched this whole argument live, it probably sounded really high minded and important, but it was actually just about conservatives' desire to stop courts from protecting peoples' rights so they can outlaw gay marriage.

9:53PM: Ron appears to be the only one who's a little concerned about the whole separation of powers thing.  It's almost like Ron's saying Republicans shouldn't be able to just fire any judge they don't like.  Weird, right?

9:55PM: Santorum pointed out that while the rest of these people are just talking hypothetically about destroying separation of powers to push their theocratic ideals, Rick's actually done it.

10:02PM: Baier is basically begging Ron Paul to say he'd invade Iran.  Ron won't budge, warning again that we're hearing the war propaganda that will turn Iran into another Iraq (which he later called a "useless war").  Can we seriously just elect Ron President of foreign policy and then elect a second guy to run the domestic policy?

10:05PM: Baier keeps saying Ron is left of President Obama on Iran.  Isn't it sad that anyone who isn't eager to bomb other countries is automatically considered a lefty now?  Isn't it sad that Republicans aren't even allowed to think critically about foreign policy anymore without being called liberal?

10:07PM: Santorum calls Iran a "radical theocracy."  He added, "which, of course, would be fine with me if they would just pray to the right god".  OK, he didn't really add that, but clearly Rick has no sense of irony.

10:11PM: I just want to know when Republicans would leave Iraq.  20 years from now?  50?  When?

10:11PM: Bachmann just called Ron's answer on Iran dangerous.  Boooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

10:12PM: Instead of taking the bait, Ron went on to explain that nobody hates us for our freedom, they mostly hate us for bombing them.  That makes more sense.  I mean, if one guy was punching me in the face, and another guy was just sort of standing there being free, I'd probably hate the punching guy.

10:14PM: Seriously Michele, don't mess with Ron.  Ron's basically lecturing her now, hitting hardest by saying that we can't solve our problems with more wars.  Bachmann, defeated, falls back on saying that she's "siding with the American people".  Ron 1, Bachmann 0.

10:16PM: At least Bachmann and Paul were trying to have a substantive debate, Newt's rambling now about the U.N. and how it sucks when they don't do what Newt thinks they should do.  In general, I think it's fair to say that Newt would rather not have to deal with other people.

10:18PM: Would Rick Perry use military intervention in Syria? Hell yeah!  You can't name a country that's not Israel that Rick Perry wouldn't invade.  Go ahead, I dare you to try.

10:20PM: Newt says he's concerned about not appearing zany.  OK Newt, you got me, that was clever.

10:21PM: We're talking about the keystone pipeline now.  To be honest, I don't know enough about this to comment that much, but just to recap, here's the score in the Republican party: Environment 0, Economy Infinity.

10:23PM: Cavuto asked Huntsman if there would be any circumstance in which he would put the environment ahead of creating jobs.  Huntsman didn't really answer, instead he wandered into an answer about alternative energy sources.  The answer Cavuto was looking for?  No.

10:25PM: Bachmann thinks the President was wrong to put a moratorium on oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico just because of that one little time when BP filled the Gulf of Mexico with oil.  I mean, come on man, that's why pencils have erasers.

10:27PM: Perry's "I'm listening intently" face looks a lot like his "oh my god I don't understand any of the words Neil Cavuto just said" face.

10:33PM: Kelly just referred to the current Attorney General as "General Holder".  I'm pretty sure that's not right.  I don't think the Attorney General gets to be called a General.

10:34PM: Rare case when everyone gets to be right.  We're talking about operation fast and furious.  AG Holder says Republicans are shamelessly politicizing this issue.  He's right.  Republicans say he should resign because the operation was such an ill-conceived debacle.  They're right too.

10:36PM: Mitt just proposed a national ID card for legal immigrants.  I could have sworn I once heard these guys all going on and on about small government.

10:39PM: Huntsman says Latinos won't care about Republican immigration policy as long as the Republican nominee talks about limited government and is "pro-growth".  I'm not so sure he's right about that.

10:40PM: Wallace asked Mitt about being open minded vs. just changing his views when it was politically convenient.  Why can't it just be both?  Mitt is very open minded to doing things that advance his political career. 

10:42PM: Mitt claims to be "pro-gun".  Why is this a good thing?  What would possess a sane person to claim to be "pro-gun"?

10:43PM: OK, let's just get this on the record.  You can't claim to be for equality for homosexuals if you also say they shouldn't be allowed to get married.  I don't think Mitt and Santorum understand what "equality" and "not discriminating" mean.

10:45PM: Mitt probably should have stayed away from this fight with Santorum over gay marriage.  Santorum is literally willing to travel the country fighting the gays.  Mitt can't top that.

10:47PM: Newt makes funny faces whenever the other candidates mention him, as if he's thinking "how dare these people say true things about me?  I never say true things about anyone, the least they could do is show me the same courtesy".

10:49PM: Bachmann - "I'm a serious candidate and my facts are accurate."  Someone's getting a little cranky.

10:50PM: Some guy in the audience just interrupted Baier while he was asking a question.  I think the audience guy was telling him to ask about monetary policy.  Listen, audience guy!  Bret doesn't have time for serious policy questions, he has to ask these people about Ronald Reagan.

10:53PM: I refuse to lend credence to Baier's stupid Reagan question by commenting on it.

I guess that was the last question.  Oh well.  This debate was worse than usual.  That's really all I have to say about that.  I'm concerned that we're almost at voting time and Republicans still haven't figured out that Newt is a dangerous idiot.  If you know a Republican, please mention this to them, before it's too late.

Republican Jobs Plan

I think I finally figured it out.  Our economic recovery will ride the wave created by our thriving Republican Primary Debate Industry, which must be employing thousands of Americans by now.

Seriously, I have a question.  I doubt our intrepid ABC moderators (George Stephanopoulus and Diane Sawyer) will ask the candidates this question tonight, which is really too bad.  If tax cuts equal more jobs, and if tax rates now are among the lowest rates in the last century (which they are), then where are all the jobs?  It's a simple question.

We're only 24 days from the Iowa caucuses, that should mean it's time to start pandering pretty hard.  Hey Rick Perry!  Isn't corn delicious!?!? 

9:03PM: No Huntsman tonight.  I think you're only allowed to have one mormon in Iowa at a time.  It would be cool if Huntsman's music hit halfway through and he ran in and hit Newt with a folding chair.  Probably not going to happen though.

9:05PM: Newt sets a new record for quickest mention of Saint Reagan, I think it was the 8th word in his first sentence.  Then he proposes 0% taxes for capital gains, because obviously people who do nothing for money should pay less taxes than people who work for it.  Everyone knows that.

9:07PM: Something to keep an eye on tonight.  With Huntsman gone, it's open season on total nonsense when it comes to China. 

9:08PM: Sawyer keeps asking them to give her a number of how many jobs they're going to create.  They aren't answering, but to be fair, that's kind of a dumb question.  Why hasn't Newt pointed that out?  Is he asleep?

9:10PM: Bachmann, once again, makes it clear that everyone will pay something in taxes when she's the President, including people with nothing.  She says, currently, 47% of people are paying no taxes.  So, just to recap, Michele Bachmann is proposing a tax increase for 47% of Americans.

9:12PM:  Are you sure Rick Santorum didn't used to be bald?  I still have this very strong memory of a very balding Rick Santorum.  Am I thinking of someone else?

9:14PM: Bachmann is against extending the payroll tax cut.  I thought we were against raising taxes.  It's literally the only thing these people stand for.  I'm so confused.

9:16PM: Romney nails his new strategy of taking both sides of an issue at the same time by saying that he doesn't want to raise taxes on anyone and then derisively calling the payroll tax cut a temporary band-aid.  So, it's a terrible idea, but let's keep doing it.

9:17PM: Santorum uses the Romney strategy by talking for 30 seconds about why the payroll cut tax is bad but finishing by saying that he's all for tax cuts.

9:19PM: Ron Paul suggests extending the payroll tax cut, but paying for it by not spending quite so much on blowing things up overseas.  Newt gave him a dirty look the whole time he was talking.  They haven't mentioned yet that Newt's a genius.  Hasn't ABC heard that Newt's a genius?  Why aren't they telling me that?

9:21PM: Mitt says Newt is in favor of mining minerals from the moon.  Wait, what?  I swear I didn't make that up.  Mitt said it.  I hope they let Newt respond.  I need to hear more about this.

9:22PM: Newt says the only reason Mitt isn't a career politician is he lost a Senate race in 1994. See?  Newt is capable of saying true things sometimes. He actually seemed to get more boos than cheers from the audience on that one.  I was surprised, I think Newt was too.  Then he addressed the moon thing, apparently he really is for mining the moon. 

So, in another excellent demonstration of everything that's wrong with the Republican party right now, the Republican front-runner is in favor of reinvigorating our space program.  Not in the name of science or exploration, but because he thinks we can find gold on the moon.

9:23PM: Newt re-proposes his fantastic plan to let poor kids be janitors at their schools and gets a huge ovation from the crowd. 

9:26PM: Ron Paul slams Newt on being a spokesperson for Freddie Mac and taking the taxpayers' money from Freddie Mac.  Newt responds by pointing out that he was a paid consultant in the private sector and than having a good laugh.  See, it's funny because he's a whore.

9:29PM: Bachmann just used the term "Newt Romney" six times, pointing out that they're actually more similar than they seem to be, and setting herself up as the real alternative.  I've said this before, I think she's smarter than she lets on.

9:30PM: Newt mentioned that he's written 24 books.  He neglected to mention that 13 of them were coloring books and another six were about how delicious he thinks ham is.

9:33PM: On health care, Mitt says his Massachusetts plan only addresses the 8% of people who didn't have health care.  That's literally the exact same argument Barack Obama made about the national health care reform bill he was trying to pass.  Mitt's not even using different words.

9:35PM: When Mitt's President, he promises that he'll return to the American people their right to not have access to health care.

9:36PM: Newt points out that he only supported the individual mandate in 1993 as a rhetorical trick to fight Hillary Clinton.  It's not often you get a politician to admit that he honestly doesn't give a crap about what's right or what's the truth, he just wants to say whatever he has to so he can win the argument and destroy his opponent.  Would have been nice to get some follow-up from the moderators on that one.

9:39PM: I think Santorum just called Bachmann a loser.  That was a very frothy tactic from Rick.

9:48PM: Perry says making a vow to god is "even stronger than a handshake in Texas".  Umm, OK.  His point, Newt's been married three times, so you can't trust him.  I can think of many better reasons why you can't trust Newt. 

9:50PM: Santorum follows up by also suggesting you can't really trust Newt.  Even Ron Paul is kind of saying Newt's three marriages call his character into question, making an analogy to the oath of office.

9:52PM: This is getting weird, they seem to all be talking about Newt and his rampant infidelity, but they're not asking Newt about it.  They know he's there, right?

9:53PM: Romney turned the character question into a jobs and economy answer because, as you know, Mitt doesn't actually have any character.

9:54PM: Marcus Bachmann just got some camera time...he looks FABULOUS!

9:55PM: Newt's counterargument (given while his current wife was on camera) appears to be "sure, I've abandoned a couple of wives, but I still talk to my grandkids".

9:56PM: Sawyer says we're going to stipulate, before we start talking about immigration, that everyone here wants to secure the borders.  Nice attempt to by her to avoid some talking points, I'm not 100% convinced it'll work.

9:57PM: Newt, once again, suggests that we probably don't want to deport immigrants who belong to churches.  Everyone else needs to go though.

9:59PM: Sawyer seems surprised and confused by the fact that Romney has made conflicting statements in the past about immigration.  Has she met Mitt?  Or heard of him?  Mitt also became the first candidate to ignore Sawyer's starting stipulation and talk about securing the boarders anyway.  Mitt is a talking points machine, possibly literally.

10:01PM: Perry sprinted away from Sawyer's question about what we should do with undocumented immigrants who are currently serving in the military.  He couldn't have been less interested in answering that question.  At no point in the minute of rambling that followed did he even approach an answer.

10:03PM: Apparently Newt recently called Palestinians an "invented people".  Man can that guy pander.  Luckily Ron Paul's here to set him straight, even heading Newt's bullshit explanation off at the pass by saying that Newt's statement may be technically correct because Palestinians didn't have a state under the Ottoman Empire, but then again, neither did Israel.

10:04PM: Having been stripped of his bullshit by my man Ron, Newt fell back on the argument that all Palestinians are inherently terrorists.  Seriously, Newt is a dangerous guy, he should not be allowed to be President.  I can't stress that enough.

10:06PM: In true Romney fashion, he says that he agrees with everything Newt said, except for the actual thing we're talking about.

10:07PM: Newt just referred to himself as a historian.  It's hard to type when I'm laughing so hard.  I need a minute.

10:08PM: I think Newt just winked at someone, that was weird.

10:09PM: Mitt and Newt appear to be arguing over which one of them is best friends with the Israeli Prime Minister.

10:09PM: George Triplewordscore just asked Bachmann to tell us who's right, Mitt or Newt.  It's like the most boring installment of the twilight series ever.  Seriously though, that's kind of an insulting question.  Instead of asking Bachmann what she thinks, he just asked her which one of those two guys is right.  Santorum just got the same question from Sawyer.  Why not just ask everyone else to leave so the real candidates can talk?

10:11PM: I never thought I'd type this sentence, but Santorum just kind of danced around a good point, possibly by mistake.  He was basically saying, when we're talking about Israel and Palestine during these debates, maybe we should watch what we say and not make things worse for Israel, instead of just saying whatever the fuck we want to try and pander for some extra votes.  Even Santorum is smarter than Newt.  Santorum!

10:12PM: Perry blames the media for this whole Newt/Palestine thing, right on time.  I need to hire some media to follow me around so I can blame them for anything stupid I say. 

10:20PM: An audience question asks the candidates when was the last time they had to not just give up a luxury, but cut back on a necessity because of financial strain.  This should be good.

10:21PM: Perry's answer seemed to be 1978, let's see if anyone can beat that.  Also, Perry just referred to himself as a grown man.  That was almost as funny as when Newt called himself a historian.

10:22PM: The best Romney could do was tell us about how his dad was poor when he (his dad) was a kid.  Perry's still in the lead.  Romney also mentioned that he was a pastor in his mormon church.  I didn't know that.  I think that means he knows magic.

10:23PM: Ron says his family was so poor he didn't even know it.  Then Ron says "when a country destroys it's currency, it transfers wealth from the middle class to the wealthy".  You could seriously talk me into President Paul.  Unfortunately, you can't talk more than 5% of Republicans into it.

10:25PM: Santorum took this question about poverty as an opportunity to remind everyone that the real problem in America is gay marriage.  Classic Santorum, what a douche.

10:26PM: By the time we got to Bachmann, we somehow moved from talking about being poor to talking about the Wall St. bailout.  Anyway, I think Perry's still the winner on who was poor last.  How many points does that win him?

10:28PM: I thought this was interesting.  One of the common themes in all of the answers we got on that poverty question was that being poor in America didn't always suck quite as much as it does now.  I think the important point here is, none of these people were still poor back when Reagan (and Newt, by the way) started the Republican war on the poor and the middle class.

10:32PM: Ron says government shouldn't be in the business of protecting people from themselves.  He got a lot of happy nods from the other candidates while he was saying that, even though Ron is the only one, possibly in the whole Congress, who actually legislates like he believes it.

10:34PM: Perry says people are sick of Washington D.C.  Personally, I'm sick of Rick Perry, but maybe that's just me.

10:40PM: Twice now I've seen this insanely misleading add attacking Massachusetts Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren, who I can't wait to vote for.  I won't get into a whole thing about it, but suffice to say that Karl Rove may in fact be the worst human being currently alive and not already in prison.

Ohh!  Closing statements!  I think Little George asked them something about things that they find interesting.  I kinda missed it.  Whatever, they're just gonna talk about whatever they want to talk about anyway.

Santorum: Remember back when I won elections?  Ya know, before I got my ass handed to me in 2004.  Rick would be the perfect Republican candidate in 2002.  Is it 2002?

Perry: Perry gave Ron Paul credit for getting him interested in the Federal Reserve.  Also, Iowa's village idiot, Congressman Steve King, is in the audience.

Romney: Mitt's noticed all the Ron Paul signs outside.  I think he wishes there were some Mitt Romney signs.  Someone should tell him that all those people he sees who are standing around outside looking kind of sad and resigned to their fates are probably Romney voters.

Newt: Apparently Newt's two favorite people on the stage are Perry and Santorum.  Imagine those three people running a country together.  Yikes.

Ron: Ron talked about freedom.  Ron likes freedom.

Bachmann: Bachmann talked about Herman Cain.  I can't tell if she was seriously praising him or making fun of him.

Well, there you have it, yet another debate.  Too bad Huntsman wasn't around tonight, I really missed barely noticing him.

The Huckleberry Forum

First of all, goodbye Herman Cain.  I thought he'd be around a little longer, at least until he finished 5th in Iowa, but alas, Herman has 99 problems, and bitches are all of them.  My favorite part of his announcement was when he said "I'm not going to be silenced".  Nobody is trying to silence you, you crazy paranoid moron! 

On a related and sadder note, I don't think I can write about the debates anymore.  Where will the funny come from without Cain?  I mean other than Newt, and Santorum, and Perry, and Bachmann.  On second thought, I think we're still OK.

One of the silliest things you can find on your TV is Fox's weekly Huckleberry show.  Every Saturday at 8PM, former Governor, former Presidential candidate and current Fox employee Mike Huckabee hosts an hour long combo of the Hannity show, Dr. Phil, televangelism and SNL.  It's hard to nail down exactly what he does each week, but you can usually find some politics, some people that found jesus at some point and a musical act, which sometimes features Mr. Huckleberry himself on the base guitar. 

Personally, I can't understand why Mike didn't do better when he ran for President.  He's super likable, even if you don't like his politics.  And even though he's also super jesus-y, which is usually a deal breaker for me, even I find him pretty tolerable.  He just kind of seems like a genuinely decent dude. 

My best theory is, he's an actual jesus person.  He's not like the rest of these Republican candidates, who are all for jesus as long as they can ignore all that hippie shit in the new testament.  I think this makes Republicans nervous that Huckleberry may not loathe the poor enough to be their standard bearer.  They're probably right.

Anyway, this week's Huckleberry show is a special edition.  Mike has hired three idiots to help him ask questions of six of the seven remaining Republican candidates (no Huntsman.  Having worked for Comrade Obama, I'm pretty sure he's not allowed in the Fox studios).  Instead of being there all at the same time, it looks like they're talking to the candidates one at a time.  This is close enough to being a debate to catch my attention, although I'm not 100% sure this will turn out readable.  Let's find out.

Huck just introduced the three idiots asking the questions.  They're three Republican Attorneys General.  Oh fun!  That's gonna make it pretty hard for Newt to complain about unfair liberal media questions.  It's also gonna make it unlikely that I'll hear anything that even resembles a good question.  Also, each of the three idiots took a minute before we started to bad-mouth the current President.  Fair and balanced baby!

Newt's up first.  I predict he'll say something stupid and then I'll have to spend the next week listening to people talk about how bold and inspired it was.  Sidenote, Newt's looking even more jowlsy than usual tonight.

8:08PM: On the topic of immigration, Newt just said he would rather have his fate decided by a jury than by a Washington bureaucrat.  I've been on a jury.  There were exactly 3 people on my jury that should have had power over anything.  People are idiots.  I'd rather have my fate decided by a roulette wheel than a jury.

8:09PM: Newt says talking about climate change with Nancy Pelosi was the dumbest thing he's ever done.  That's really saying something.  I could think of at least 150 dumber things.  This also gave us a perfect look into Newt's mind, when he later told us that everything he said with Nancy Pelosi was right, but it was dumb because Nancy Pelosi made it dumb just by being there. 

8:15PM: Newt proposed replacing the EPA with an environmental solutions agency which would have to provide "economic rationale" for everything they do.  This is a perfect illustration of why you can't trust the current Republican party with the environment.  Not everything has to be profitable.  Sometimes other things are important too.

8:16PM: Newt proposes eliminating entire Federal courts if they disagree with him, but he's quick to point out that Congress would have to be with him.  See, I thought we had three independent and co-equal branches of government, but apparently it's more of a majority decision thing.

8:17PM: Just to make me angry, Newt asserts that being anti-religion is inherently anti-American.  Thanks for reminding me why I hate you, Newt. 

8:19PM: Newt says there would be no America without George Washington, and has apparently stolen something from Valley Forge to prove his point.

Newt's done.  That was awful.  Next up, Santorum.  He's just like Newt, only worse.

8:24PM: Santorum is rambling about the family again.  This guy, who claims to be a small government conservative, just criticised the government for not doing enough to encourage marriage.  Rick's great because I don't really have to write jokes for him.  He takes care of the funny on his own.

8:27PM: Rick supports a constitutional amendment to ban abortion.  He also mentioned his support for a Federal definition of marriage.  Rick's government is starting to sound awfully big to me.

8:29PM: Idiot #2 is furious that the EPA is forcing Florida to not pollute their water.  She's so right, who needs clean water?  We're trying to make money here idiots!  Rick blames poorly but deliberately worded legislation.  I should say, I'm probably unfairly biased about this, since I do like to drink water sometimes, but I'm starting to think Republicans shouldn't be allowed to have votes on anything having to do with the environment.

8:31PM: Idiot #3 just asked Santorum why he thinks the founders separated Federal and State power.  We'll be back with the rest of our 7th grade social studies quiz in a minute.

8:32PM: Question about the Defense of Marriage Act, right up Rick's alley.  Rick suggests that it's the President's job to mindlessly support stupid laws that were passed before he got elected.  I'm not sure that's right.  Especially since Rick keeps talking about all the stuff that's on the books now that he won't be doing if he gets elected.

8:34PM: Rick finishes by saying that the courts aren't the only arbiters of the Constitution, but there's no time to find out who else gets to do that.  I kind of want to know.  Come on, Huck!

Next up, Rick Perry.  He has one of the squarest heads in the world.

8:38PM: Perry promises to use executive orders to effectively void most of Obamacare.  Rick's answer on how the President would have the authority to do that somehow evolved into talking about creating millions of jobs and moving toward energy independence.  I think Rick just pulled a jedi mind trick on us.  How did we get to energy independence from health care?  I was listening the whole time, and I have no idea.

8:40PM: Rick just accidentally revealed how he really created jobs in Texas, joking about how he stole jobs from Arkansas when Huckleberry was the Governor.  Why hasn't anyone pointed out how that won't work if Rick is in charge of the whole country?

8:42PM: Perry says he's been dealing with the Federal Government's unwillingness to secure the border for "over ten years now".  But somehow it's still Obama's fault.  Was it really ten years ago that I voted for him? It seems much more recent.

8:47PM: Rick appears to define "strict constructionist" as any Supreme Court justice who agrees with him.  Rick's also proposing getting rid of lifetime appointments for justices.  He's offended by the idea that the Supreme Court has the power to enforce the Constitution when Rick doesn't like what's in the Constitution.  He's less offended by the idea of the Supreme Court being able to strike down the health care law. 

8:49PM: I'm reaching my tolerance level for religious talk.  I knew the Huckleberry forum would be like this, but I still can't take much more.

8:50PM: Perry is in favor of both returning authority over abortion to the states and passing a Federal anti-abortion amendment.  How is this not big government?  This annoys me so much.

8:52PM: Perry's advice for Supreme Court justices...read the Constitution, don't read anything into it, or use any clauses.  Everyone knows Republicans hate clauses.

So far, we've only heard from the idiot side of the bracket.  Where are the people with brains?  I'm no great fan of Romney, but at least he knows things and has the ability to speak in full sentences.  Perry just answered a question by pulling a pocket Constitution out, holding it up and grunting.

OK, Bachmann's up next.  I actually think she's smarter than she lets on.  Why play dumb?  Let's just say she knows who her base is.

8:57PM: Bachmann says Obamacare is a stunning show of how far a President can go with power.  I think she missed the part where Congress passed that law, which is weird, because she was there.

8:59PM: Bachmann says illegal aliens currently cost us 113 billion dollars a year.  I have no idea if that's true or not.  She should wear a sign around her neck that somebody can light up whenever she makes up a new fact.  Just so we know when it's happening.  It would make things easier.

9:01PM:  Talking about tort reform, Bachmann hits what's becoming the theme of the night.  Huckleberry's panel of dopes keeps asking about Federal vs. State power, and the candidates keep reminding us that they don't have any problem with Federal power as long as the Federal government is doing things they like.

9:05PM: Idiot #1 just used the word evolution in a question.  He wasn't talking about actual evolution, but he's still lucky Backmann didn't freak out.  (Listening a little closer, he actually was saying the word abolition.  No wonder she was so calm, my bad).

9:07PM: Idiot #3 just pointed out that Bachmann's answer on environmental regulation was stupid nonsense (he may not have put it exactly that way).  Her response?  "Well you're making a very good point". 

9:09PM: Idiot #2 just called Bachmann a practicing lawyer.  I giggled a little.

Yeah!  My man Ron is up next!  Go get 'em Ron!

9:14PM: Ron points out that the Patriot Act wouldn't have passed if they called it what it really was, the repeal of the fourth amendment.  Then he points out that terrorism is a crime, not a war.  Idiot #2 doesn't understand. She asked Ron what he would call the 9/11 attacks.  She seems to think Ron's saying terrorism doesn't exist.  That's not what Ron's saying, idiot #2.

9:18PM: Now they're asking Ron about the environment.  Admittedly, this isn't Ron's strong suit, but he finds a way to make a good point.  The way our government works now, regulations are written by lobbyists who represent the very industries they're meant to regulate, and that's true of environmental regulations as well as banking regulations, drug regulations, etc. 

He's not wrong.  It's just that, some people would say the answer is to make our government not work like that anymore.  In contrast, Ron's answer is more along the lines of just not trying anymore and trusting the market to regulate itself.  This is where Ron and I differ.  Ron is bound by his strongly held convictions to trust that a truly free market and people would produce positive results because negative actions would ultimately be punished by the market.  Being unencumbered by such ideals, I'm less convinced. 

9:24PM:  Ron points out that he wouldn't just end Federal programs he thinks shouldn't exist, he'd phase them out.  Something tells me phasing out social security would take longer than Ron thinks it would, but kudos to him for not making one of those stupid "I'm gonna do it on my first day" promises.

9:25PM: Idiot #1 just asked a question so stupid, I refuse to comment on it.

9:27PM: If every American could read just one book, Ron says they should read a book called "The Law" by Frederic Bastiat.  That sounds about right.  I'm just happy he didn't say the bible.

Mitt's up next.  Rumor has it Huckleberry hates Mitt, but sadly Huck isn't asking the questions.  So, unless Huck starts booing while Mitt's talking or throwing things at him, we won't find out tonight if the rumors are true.

9:31PM: Mitt starts out by thanking the panel of idiots for this very interesting show.  He literally can't turn the pandering off.

9:32PM: Mitt tells us that his friends in business think the EPA was much better under George W. Bush.  Isn't that shocking?  I'm shocked.  Then he says "we need a Federal government that sees it's job as helping the private sector grow".  That pretty much sums it up. 

9:33PM: Mitt on energy..."we all like the renewables, but renewables alone won't power this economy".  Who said anything about powering the economy?  Apparently Mitt's economy is gas powered.  Seriously though, why do these people think every energy and environment question is actually an economy question?  Are they having trouble hearing?

9:37PM: Mitt is continuing with his bold strategy of avoiding flip-flops by taking both sides of arguments at the same time, answering a very direct "would you support school lunch programs, pell grants and GI Bills?" question with "in some cases yes, in some cases no".  Well done.

9:39PM: Mitt wants Supreme Court Justices who are brilliant, but won't use their own judgment in any way. 

9:40PM: Mitt's talking about his immigration record as Massachusetts Governor.  I live in Massachusetts now, and I can tell you, it's not an easy job here.  The New Hampshire border is seriously porous. 

9:42PM: I think idiot #3 just figured out Mitt's deal, saying that one of Mitt's answers sounded like a maybe.  Everything Mitt says is a maybe.

Each candidate gets a closing statement.  I'll try to summarize:

Robo-Mitt - Mitt finished by asking if we're "gonna be a free society with free people...or instead a nation governed by the government?"  Unless Mitt's proposing abolishing the government, I'm pretty sure we're gonna be both.

Perry - Perry, once again, proposed his brilliant idea of a part-time Congress.  This is such a weird idea.  First of all, they're already part-time.  Do you see how many recesses they get?  Secondly, they already don't do anything. 

My Man Ron - Ron brings up nullification.  I'm not a fan of this idea, but it's not really a surprise coming from Ron. 

Newt - Newt says this next election is the most important election since 1860.  Really good point, Barack Obama is clearly just as bad as slavery and half the country seceding.  Of course, it's also important to realize that Newt is Lincoln in that analogy.  Seriously, who would vote for this idiot? 

Bachmann - Michele talked about taking our country back.  I wish she'd tell me who has it.  Maybe we can just talk to them and get it back without all this fuss.

Santorum - Rick says America is basically morally rotting from the inside because marriage is under attack.  Most people will think Rick is saying the gays are destroying America, but maybe he just thinks Wedding Crashers was a very concerning documentary.

The Newt Front-Runner

According to the TV, Newt Gingrich is now the front-runner for the Republican nomination in at least three different polls.  At first, I assumed this was some kind of horrible nightmare from which I cannot awake.  That was the most logical explanation, but it's becoming less and less likely.  This may actually be reality.

The funny thing about this (other than the thought of President Gingrich, which is both hilarious and terrifying) is how it happened.  Everyone knows the media loves the horse race.  Whenever someone new jumps to the top of the polls, every political news outfit freaks out like that person is the next FDR (or in the case of Fox "news", the next Saint Reagan), until the next week when they say something stupid and we all laugh them off the stage.

This time, as far as I could tell, the media went first.  After Herman Cain imploded, over and over again, I started hearing all this nonsense about how Newt was going to rise to the top of the polls.  Next thing you know, there's good ole Newt, right at the top.  Just like the media said!  I watch too much political news to think they actually got a prediction right, so all I can think is Republican primary voters heard these stories about Newt and thought "well, he ain't Mitt Romney, so why not?". 

And really, that's the lesson.  Republicans would try out a half-eaten breakfast as their potential nominee as long as it wasn't Mitt Romney.  This makes me a little more hopeful for the President's re-election changes, since, last time I checked, he isn't Mitt Romney either.

Hey look!  It's another debate!  The TV says this one's about foreign policy.  Ugh.  You may be thinking the same thing I was thinking when I saw this.."why do these people, at least 5 of whom don't know anything about anything, keep having debates about a complicated topic like foreign policy?" 

Well, you only have two choices, foreign policy or domestic policy.  The Republican party in 2011 only has one domestic policy, tax cuts...Tax Cuts!....TAAAAXXXXXXXX CUUUUUTTTTTTTSSSSSS!!!!!!!!  You can't get too many debates out of that.  So, here you go, another foreign policy debate between Huntsman, Paul, Romney and five idiots. 

8:00PM: CNN opens this foreign policy/national security debate with a super scary OH MY GOD YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE IF YOU ELECT THE WRONG PRESIDENT montage.  Terrifying the audience is a great way to get them to make a rational decision.

8:02PM: Running the Olympics once doesn't make Mitt Romney an expert on foreign relations anymore than it makes him a world class downhill skier.

8:03PM: First bit of bad news, it looks like Blitzer will be doing the moderating again.  Last time he had no control, it was a total disaster.  I'm not looking forward to this.

8:04PM: Second bit of bad news, it looks like CNN has attempted to put together the whitest audience in the history of audiences and whiteness.  Considering this debate is taking place in Washington DC, that couldn't have been easy.

8:06PM: They're singing the national anthem before the debate.  Not the first time, probably not the last, but I'll be annoyed by it every time.

8:08PM: Blitzer keeps saying he'll "try" to do stuff.  Don't try Wolf, do!

8:10PM: Am I crazy, or was Rick Santorum balder when he was younger?  I could swear I remember a very balding Rick Santorum.

8:11PM: Blitzer made a joke about Wolf Blitzer being his real name.  Romney tried to capitalize by saying "I'm Mitt Romeny and, yes Wolf, that's my real first name too".  Except it's not.  His real first name is Willard.  What's wrong with him?  I never thought Romney would be the one on this stage who literally couldn't even get his name right. 

8:15PM: Talking about extending the Patriot Act, Gingrich says "all of us will be in danger for the rest of our lives".  Who invited the good news bear?

8:16PM: Ron Paul on the Patriot Act..."don't be willing to sacrifice liberty for security".  As usual, Ron is schooling these idiots.  This time he's kicking Newt's ass on civil liberties.  Newt believes the Patriot Act would have stopped Timothy McVeigh.  Ron's trying to explain that just because something might work doesn't make it Constitutional or legal.  Newt's not really following.

8:19PM: Bachmann just said something about mirandizing terrorists.  Is she still in this race?

8:22PM: Perry on the TSA..."I would privatize it as soon as I could and get rid of those unions."  Great idea!  Why have airport security people be accountable to the duly elected government of the people when they could be accountable to no one?  Also, how did unions get involved in this? 

8:24PM: Santorum is openly suggesting profiling muslims at airports.  Another fantastic idea!  But how will we know who the Muslims are?  We should probably make them get special tattoos or something.  Or we could just throw bacon at everyone who gets on a plane and see who gets really angry about it.  Oh but jewish people don't like bacon either.  This is hard.  Rick, help us, how do we know who the muslims are?

8:25PM: Ron Paul on the war on terrorism..."I don't remember voting on a declaration of war...terror isn't a person, it's a tactic."  Go get 'em Ron!

8:27PM: Cain just called Blitzer "Blitz".  I'll miss him when he's gone.

8:31PM:  Bachmann says we shouldn't stop giving Pakistan money, but only because if we don't, they might stop being our friend and start being China's friend.  I guess Rick Perry doesn't care about friends, because he's not giving Pakistan a dime.  But then they won't come to Michele's sweet sixteen! Damn you Rick!

8:33PM: Bachmann just called Perry's position "highly naive".  Uh oh, I think she's about to find out that you don't mess with Texas.  Rick looks mad.  Hmmm...he went pretty easy on her.  He may have taken a Valium before the debate.  Let's keep on eye on him.

8:35PM: Romney on Afghanistan..."we can't just write off a significant part of the world."  He forgot to add "...that has oil."  Then he said we need to bring Afghanistan into the 20th century.  Yeah, what's up with that country?  Why do they have all that rubble everywhere?  Get some roads, jerks!

8:38PM: Good point by Huntsman.  The President doesn't always have to listen to the Generals on the ground when it comes to war.  The President is the one in charge and he calls the shots.  Mitt says he would call the shots, by doing whatever the Generals tell him to do.

8:40PM: Newt's first complaint about the questions.  A Republican debate tradition like no other.  Then he follows up by complaining about the rules.  Also, his podium is too small and the food in his dressing room was far from adequate.

8:42PM: Santorum says radical islamists are just waiting us out.  So, I guess Santorum would just never withdraw troops from anywhere.  He's not suggesting colonizing Afghanistan, just visiting...forever.

8:48PM: Cain says he'd support Israel if they attacked Iran, as long as they had a good plan.  I'd like to hear what Herman would consider a good plan.  Wolf didn't ask, glad he's here.

8:49PM: Ron Paul on Israel..."if Israel decides to bomb something, that's their business, but they have to suffer the consequences."  Republican foreign policy debates should just be two hours of all the other candidates shutting up and listening to Ron.

8:52PM: Perry says we need to sanction the Iranian central bank to stop Iran from developing nuclear weapons.  I assume "sanction the national bank" is some kind of Rick Perry secret code for "bombing the shit out of the country".

8:53PM: Blitzer points out that sanctioning the Iranian central bank would essentially end Iranian oil exports and, ya know, cripple Europe's economy.  Newt sees this as an opportunity to sell Europe some of our own oil.  Wait, when did we get all this extra oil to sell to Europe?  Is Newt hiding oil somewhere and not telling us?

8:56PM: Ron Paul is openly laughing while Bachmann is talking about Israel.  Me too Ron.

8:57PM: Santorum just called Africa "a country on the brink".  Country...continent...whatever.   Rick points out the important part, which is making sure we force our values on anyone in Africa who wants our help.

8:59PM: Cain on aid to Africa..."it may be worth while to continue, it may not." Yes Herman, those are the two choices.

8:59PM: Ron Paul believes all foreign aid is worthless.  Say what you want about Ron, he doesn't hedge.

9:00PM: Romney implies that the President is cutting 1 trillion dollars from defense and putting it directly into Obamacare.  That's a good talking point.  Patently false, but a good talking point.

9:03PM: Newt says, if we were serious about oil, we would magically produce all the oil we need in the next year.  OK, he didn't use the word magically, but I can only assume magic is part of his plan.

9:07PM: Huntsman just talked for like two and a half minutes.  Are there any rules here?  Does Blitzer have any authority?

9:08PM: Perry just said (he said this in the last debate too) that he's been the Commander in Chief of 20,000 Texas National Guard troops.  I'm surprised he hasn't declared war on Oklahoma yet.

9:10PM: Perry just suggested making Congress part-time.  Yeah, because that's what we need, a Congress that does even less.  I know everyone right now is thinking Congress does way too much.

9:12PM: Santorum is willing to compromise on anything, as long as it's not raising taxes.  I'm pretty sure you can find a version of that statement on the RNC letterhead.

9:13PM: Question about entitlement reform.  How did we get here?  I thought we were talking about national security.  What is Blitzer doing?  I'm getting frustrated.  Somebody should confiscate Wolf's beard.

9:25PM: Rick Perry promises to shut down the Mexican border.  What does that mean?  How do you shut down a border?  It's not a Walmart.

9:26PM: Ron Paul's talking about how "the federal war on drugs is a total failure", and he just said he's for medical marijuana and treating drugs the way we treat alcohol.  I assume he means dealing with the stupid behaviors that come from abusing them, as opposed to just criminalizing the drugs.  I'm all for all of this.  Blitzer, of course, failed to follow-up, and the rest of the candidates ignored it.  Booooo!

9:30PM: Now Santorum is, once again, plugging his brilliant plan for 0% taxes on manufacturing corporations.  I still don't know how we got here from national security, but since it's an important tradition for all of my debate blogs, this is as good a time as any to point out that Rick Santorum is an idiot.

9:32PM: Newt proposes some kind of panel to decide which illegal immigrants get amnesty and which ones don't, including subtly suggesting (twice) that immigrants who belong to a church get to stay.  So...religiously based death panels for immigrants...got it.

9:34PM: Blitzer repeats Newt's idea that belonging to a church would be an important part of getting to stay here as an immigrant.  If only there were some kind of moderator at this debate to find out why the hell that would be a consideration.  Too bad.

9:36PM: We seem to be having a serious disagreement about kicking out most of the illegal immigrants or all of the illegal immigrants.  Perry had to step in as the voice of reason (yeah, seriously), pointing out that we would have to secure the border before a meaningful immigration policy would work.  Unfortunately, it still sounds like Rick wants to secure the border with predator drones.  So, half credit I guess.

9:44PM: Lots of great beards at this debate.  Just saying.

9:46PM: I'm becoming concerned that we might get through this whole debate without hearing about Cain's 999 plan.  What happened to you pizza man?  You used to be fun.

9:47PM: Perry suggests a no-fly zone over Syria as a way to keep Iran from getting a nuclear weapon.  Um...OK.  Either Rick knows more about the middle east than I thought or he thinks Iran and Syria are the same country.  I'd say it's 50/50.

9:49PM: Huntsman says we need to be careful about taking sides in conflicts we don't fully understand (yes!), but then says our only interest in the middle east is Israel (arrgh!). 

9:50PM: Ron Paul suggests we should treat other countries the way we want to be treated.  Mitt quickly counters by making sure everyone understands that America is special and we can do whatever we want and just blow stuff up if other countries don't like it.  Mitt's always a puzzle because you never know if he actually believes anything he's saying. 

9:55PM: I think we're all in agreement that everyone's first trip abroad as President would be to Israel.  Except Ron, who, I assume, would never leave the country.

9:56PM: Perry says China is "not a country of virtues".  Way to grasp the nuance of foreign policy there Rick.

9:57PM: Cain says he was a ballistics analyst early in his career.  Do pizza companies have weapons?  Why didn't I know this?  Are the weapons pepperoni-based?

Once again, no closing statements.  That's always a missed opportunity to hear some stupid nonsense, but I guess we'll have to live without it.  Until next time, just remember, Newt Gingrich is leading the polls, so you probably want to start looking at houses in Canada, just in case.

Not Ready For Prime Time

I'm looking forward to this a little.  Why?  This is the first time these candidates have debated on a network, and I found out this debate is only an hour long.  To me, that says they may try to dumb it down a little, for the broader audience and with less time to talk.  What happens when the likes of Bachmann, Perry and Gingrich try to dumb themselves down?  I don't know, but I think it's certainly possible the vortex of stupidity could open up a portal to another dimension.  Granted, it would be a very stupid dimension, but still, I think, worth seeing.

Why is this one only an hour?  I can only surmise that CBS figured some of these people would be able to muster some dignity by now, or borrow some from a friend, and stop embarrassing themselves...I'm looking at you Rick Santorum.  Actually wait, I shouldn't say that.  Rick Santorum isn't an embarrassment to himself so much as he's an embarrassment to America and the entire human race. 

8:00PM: CBS started the debate with what I have to describe as a montage of the craziest things each candidate has said in all the previous debates.  I think these people deserve to be mocked as much as anyone, but, honestly, that seemed like a low blow.

8:01PM: One of the moderators just said this debate would last 90 minutes, so I've got conflicting reports on length now.  Maybe they'll just do the last 30 minutes off camera since everybody will have tuned out by then anyway.

8:04PM: Confirmation that the first 60 minutes will take place on TV, while the last 30 minutes will happen on the internet.  CBS doesn't have 90 minutes to dedicate to electing the leader of the free world, they have very important NCIS reruns to broadcast.

8:06PM: Herman Cain suggested helping the opposition movement in Iran, but not militarily.  I guess he's planning to send them juice boxes and lunchables and what-not.

8:07PM: Romney calls Iran President Obama's "greatest failure", then promises that if he's elected President, Iran will never have nuclear weapons.  I'm almost willing to vote for him just to see him fail.

8:09PM: Gingrich just proposed taking out certain Iranian capabilities in a way that is "covert and deniable".  I'm not sure he meant to say that out loud, that wasn't very covert.

8:10PM: Ron Paul finally sets us straight by pointing out that war with Iran would be stupid, and that the President can't just go to war on his own.  If I could elect Ron just to run foreign policy, I would sprint to the voting booth to do it.

8:13PM: Santorum suggests neutering the taliban.  I'd like to suggest neutering Rick Santorum. 

8:16PM: Bachmann's main point about Afghanistan - everything good that happens can be attributed to our troops, everything bad that happens is the President's fault.  And really, that's a pretty good summation of the Repubilcan party platform.  Well done, Congresswoman.

8:17PM: Huntsman says it's time to come home from Afghanistan...saying "I don't wanna be nation building in Afghanistan when this nation (America) needs to be built".  See?  I told you he may not be a moron.

8:19PM: I think Newt wants to go to war with Pakistan too.  I guess, in Newt's mind, the sight of him as President will be enough to convince millions more Americans to enlist in the military so we can fight all the wars Newt wants to start.

8:21PM: When asked if Pakistan is a friend or foe, Cain says "we don't know".  Well Herman, I know you don't know, but that doesn't mean we don't know.

8:22PM: Perry got a similar question and totally dodged it, possibly because he doesn't know what Pakistan is.  Then he says the foreign aid budget in his administration would start at "zero dollars" for every country.  I have a feeling Israel's budget would find it's way up from zero pretty quickly.

8:25PM: Bachmann just placed Pakistan in the middle east.  I feel like that's a stretch, but OK.  I would probably accept that from someone I didn't think was an idiot, but I have a feeling Bachmann defines "middle east" as anywhere muslims live. 

8:26PM: Later, Bachmann says it's clear the stage is being set for worldwide nuclear war against Israel.  Don't worry Israel, she's not terribly bright.

8:30PM: I think Santorum just suggested stimulating our economy by selling military hardware to Pakistan, but only after we make friends with them and stuff.

8:34PM: Sounds like Newt said something stupid on the radio yesterday.  When asked about it, his explanation was, "I was on the radio".  It's a well known fact that whatever you say on the radio doesn't count.

8:36PM: Cain's brilliant plan for his administration is to have advisers around him.  That's quite an idea.  He should also consider living in a big white house, and maybe getting some armed guards or something like that.

8:37PM: Santorum very directly promises to only hire people that completely agree with him (proof that he knows he's too stupid to even defend his positions to people who work for him).  Then he says he hopes that the problems he's been hearing about in Iran are actually covert American operations.  Seriously, you guys, shhhhhh!

8:39PM: Question to Perry, what would he do with our nuclear weapons if he eliminated the Department of Energy.  His answer? There are plenty of places in government we could put our nuclear weapons, but he decided not to name any of them.  I guess it's a secret.

8:40PM: Question about Cain's stance on torture.  He says "I do not agree with torture, period...however..." Stop right there!  Nothing comes after period, that's what periods are for.  Cain, of course, went on to reveal that he's actually pro-torture as long as we call it something else.

8:42PM: Bachmann too...everyone loves torture as long as you call it enhanced interrogation.  That's a fun little trick we can thank the Bush administration for.

8:42PM: Ron's turn, go get 'em Ron!

8:43PM: Ron points out that waterboarding is definitely torture, as well as being "immoral" "uncivilized" "illegal" and ineffective.  I think I missed a few too.  As always, Ron's the best.

8:44PM: Huntsman is against torture too.  That won't do him a lot of good after the debate when Perry and Bachmann are waterboarding him just for shits and giggles.

8:46PM: Romney uses one of my least favorite talking points, calling America "exceptional".  This annoys me so much.  We're so happy with ourselves.  I'll vote for anyone who will be honest for five seconds and tell us that we're not really that special.  Why is this important?  Because the people who believe we're somehow entitled to being the greatest country in the world for ever and ever because their imaginary friend said so are the same people who don't see a problem with the destruction of our middle class, and that's not a coincidence.

8:48PM: Perry says the Communist Chinese government will wind up on the ash heap of history.  China may be older than Rick Perry believes the earth is, but I'm sure he's got a fool-proof plan for getting rid of them.

8:51PM: Romney's back to his brilliant idea of having a trade war with China, saying that we're already in a war and they're stealing our jobs.  I love this phrasing, as if China is sneaking over here in the middle of the night with a ski mask on and putting jobs in a big sack and taking them home.  When actually, what's happening is our lovely corporations, whose taxes Mitt and everyone else on stage can't wait to cut, again, are voluntarily moving jobs to China where labor is cheaper and regulation is softer or non-existent.  I'm not sure stealing is the most exact description, but it certainly sounds the most scary.

8:52PM: Huntsman, the guy who worked in China, is happy to point out that Mitt is just flat wrong, and then he used a weird word I hadn't heard yet in these debates...diplomacy?  Is that how you spell it?  Most of the other candidates looked as puzzled as I am.  Is that some kind of fancy way of saying war?

8:56PM: Ohhhh, a twitter question! Fun! The question was, would Israel's foreign aid budget also start at zero.  Perry says yes, but then says not really, because Israel is "a special ally".  I don't have anything against Israel, it just annoys me that idiots can get votes from other idiots by pretending to give a crap about Israel.

8:59PM: TV time is over now, let's see if I can find the rest online. 

9:00PM: Hey! It's working!

9:01PM: First internet question - should we increase military spending?

9:02PM: Bachmann takes the long way to saying that she's all for cutting military spending, as long as by cutting military spending you mean repealing Obamacare.

OK, screw this.  I don't know what CBS is up to, but their debate feed was cutting out on every third word, making these candidates even more incoherent than usual.  I tried, but I'll have to settle for two-thirds of tonight's debate and I'll just have to guess at what happened in the last half hour.  One guess for each candidate:

Perry: Let's say he finally fell asleep this time.
Romney: Said something arrogant while smirking.
Paul: Suggested putting an end to something government is currently doing.
Bachmann: Said the word Obamacare 13 more times.
Cain: 999 999 999 999 999 999 999 999
Huntsman: Said something reasonable and got booed for it.
Santorum: Lit his podium on fire after someone told him a "gay" had touched it earlier.
Newtster: Bitched about the questions (which he's apparently required by law to do at least once per debate).