Seven Levels of Terror

With Iowa's caucuses coming up this week, there are still, amazingly and inexplicably, seven candidates for the Republican nomination.  Seven.  I thought Republicans were supposed to be the organized ones.  Isn't there anyone in charge over there who can tell people like Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry that it's over?  Just tell them Jesus says it's time to give up.

Anyway, now seems like as good a time as any to reset the field going into the actual voting.  I know, it seems like we've been doing this for around nine years already and there hasn't even been any voting yet.  Here's who we have left, ranked from least terrifying to most terrifying.

Ron Paul
Doomsday scenario: Ron spends the first year of his Presidency actually getting Congress to do all the crazy domestic things he wants to do.  This is followed by one year of watching our society crumble and two years of total chaos.

Chances of this happening: 0.1%

Upside: We'd probably get some zombies out of the deal.  Super-libertarian, freedom-loving zombies.

Chances I'd vote for him in a general election: Honestly, like 45%.  I'd take Ron's foreign policy over the current administration in a heartbeat, and it's not like President Obama is killing it on the domestic side right now.  He couldn't even get Republicans to extend the payroll tax cut for a full year.  Tax cuts are literally the only thing those people believe in.

Final Thought: If you're one of those people who believes that the fix is in with our government and there really is no difference made by who we actually elect, you have to vote for Ron.  First of all, he'll either prove you right or prove you wrong.  And secondly, if it doesn't matter anyway, he'd clearly be the most fun to watch.

Other Final Thought: I think the wild card for me with Ron Paul is that he seems to dislike some of these other candidates almost as much as I do.

Jon Huntsman
Doomsday scenario:  Debates between President Obama and Huntsman are so boring that we're all forced to kill ourselves before election day.  As it turns out, Huntsman is a secret Chinese agent, and boring us to death was his plan all along.  The few survivors later find out that he's actually super-interesting.

Chances of this happening: 1%, maybe 2%

Upside: In a huge upset, Canada fights off the invading Chinese army and takes over the U.S.  The NHL expands to 64 teams and those of us who are still alive get to enjoy a year-round hockey schedule.

Chances I'd vote for him in a general election: I don't know, maybe 20%.  Huntsman seems so reasonable and, dare I say, smart sometimes.  But then, every once in a while, I'll hear someone on Fox who I don't like tell me that Huntsman is actually the most conservative candidate in the field.  I would certainly keep an open mind if he won the nomination, but I doubt he'd get my vote.

Final Thought: Huntsman isn't even trying in Iowa.  Considering he's probably the most qualified candidate in the field, I think this says more about Iowa Republicans than it does about Huntsman.

Mitt Romney
Doomsday scenario: During his first State of the Union address, the Mittron 3000 short circuits while trying to simultaneously take three sides of the same issue.  With no constitutional direction on how to handle a short circuiting robot President, the government and the country are thrown into chaos.  Bill Gates eventually repairs the President, but does too good of a job.  The Mittron 3000 becomes Skynet and, well, you know what happens from there.

Chances of this happening: 5%

Upside: If we have to have a post-apocalyptic sci-fi future, why not this one?  I mean, at least they have time travel.

Chances I'd vote for him in a general election: 5%.  People seem to think Romney would be the toughest opponent for President Obama.  I don't know.  Mitt's total inability to get anyone to like him stands in pretty stark contrast to the President's high personal likability.  I can't see an undecided voter watching those two guys for more than ten seconds without immediately deciding to vote for Obama.

Final Thought: Mitt is the ultimate political opportunist.  He's 100% pragmatism.  In a better time, I think he'd actually make a pretty good President.  But with a useless Congress and a pretty dumb public, a President with no beliefs of his own would only make things worse.

Michele Bachmann
Doomsday scenario: Right after her inauguration, President Bachmann finds out she can't actually repeal Obamacare on day one because 1) there's no such thing as Obamacare and 2) the President can't just randomly repeal laws passed by Congress.  Bachmann resigns in protest just five hours after being sworn in, leaving Vice President Palin in charge.  From there, pretty much all roads lead to doom.

Chances of this happening: 8%

Upside: President Palin could get bored and quit before she does any real damage.  I'm just not willing to take that chance.

Chances I'd vote for her in a general election: 0%.  Sorry, she's not the worst candidate, but she's way to into Jesus for me.

Final Thought: I continue to believe Bachmann is significantly smarter than she lets on.  I genuinely respect how much she's improved as a candidate over the last year and she honestly wouldn't be the worst nominee the Republicans could find.  Unfortunately, she should be killing in Iowa and instead she's currently polling 6th in a 6 person race.  Time to turn out the lights.

Rick Perry
Doomsday scenario: Rick sells the entire country to Mexico for a pouch full of magic beans and 50 pounds of carne asada. 

Chances of this happening: In all honesty, I'd put this at a healthy 30-35%. 

Upside: Carne asada!

Chances I'd vote for him in a general election: Also 0%.  Come on, we have to go at least 40 years before we elect another Texas governor, right?

Final Thought: I predicted that Rick would run for President a long time ago after I saw him being nice and trying to act reasonable on the Daily Show.  Sadly, no one could have predicted how bad he'd be at it.

Rick Santorum
Doomsday scenario: Immediately after his inauguration, Santorum starts wars with five different countries, all selected at random with a ouija board, but somehow all muslim.  He quickly loses interest in his holy wars after someone tells him that there's a gay guy somewhere in Washington DC and he'd better go deal with it, but the damage is already done.

Chances of this happening: It's kind of a two-parter, so only like 15%.  But the chances of President Santorum starting at least one new war would be something like 110%.

Upside: I think a Santorum Presidency would provide the most unintentional comedy of any of these people.

Chances I'd vote for him in a general election: Come on, seriously? 

Final Thought: Personally, Santorum is probably my least favorite of any of these people, but I'd still beg him to be President before I'd consider voting for this next guy.

Newt Gingrich
Doomsday Scenario: Newt being elected President is the doomsday scenario.  He's everything that's wrong with our political system all wrapped up in one insanely arrogant package.  Newt Gingrich is not smart, he's not a historian, he's not a big thinker and even other Republicans know he's not a leader.  He's just a troll that's been living under the bridge of our politics for so long that he knows everything about the bridge.

What's worse?  Newt doesn't even believe most of the nonsense he's constantly spewing.  He knows how to read polls and listen to focus groups and do whatever they say.  He's the worst possible candidate.  He should be forced to wear a sign around his neck at all times that reads "do not vote for me".  If Newt somehow wins Iowa, Iowa should be immediately demoted from first caucus state to voting whenever Guam votes. 

Those last two paragraphs sound angrier than I really am.  Look, Newt's a bad guy.  Nobody should vote for him.  Do so at your own peril.

The Debate Show

Tonight's debate is hosted by Fox "News", so it was preceded by Bill O'Reilly's smirking idiocy hour.  Bill isn't even really a Republican anymore.  He's just an angry old guy who mumbles to himself on TV about these damn kids with their rock music and blue jeans.

I should go easy on Fox, it's tough over there right now.  Nobody knows who the Republican nominee is going to be.  For the propaganda arm of the Republican party, that means they have no idea who they're supposed to be smearing with distortions and falsehoods.  They even let Ron Paul in the studio today.  I hope someone hid Sean Hannity's Ron Paul voodoo doll before Ron showed up.

It appears tonight's moderators/question clowns will be Bret Baier, Neil Cavuto, Christopher Wallace and Megyn Kelly.  That's Megyn with a Y, as in, holy crap, Y would they let Megyn Kelly ask questions at a real debate like an actual journalist.

9:03PM: Once again, Newt works Ronald Reagan into his very first answer.  He's on his game tonight.  I'm surprised he didn't come out wearing a Reagan mask.

9:05PM: Did you know Newt teaches the art of war to 1 and 2 star generals?  Can that be right?  No wonder our last couple of wars didn't go so well.  I'm genuinely terrified by this.  Why would we let Newt teach anyone anything?  Things in this country may be worse than I thought.

9:06PM: Ron Paul says he talks about things that would appeal to Democrats and Independents.  That's true, he's the only one of these guys I'd vote for, although I'm still concerned that his Presidency would be four years of anarchy.

9:08PM: Santorum just referred to himself in the third person.  That's pretty ballsy for a guy polling somewhere around 0%. 

9:10PM: When asked to respond to accusations that he won't be tough enough on President Obama, Romney responds by stoically rattling off what appeared to be a paragraph from his stump speech.

9:11PM: Bachmann says she "spent 50 years as a real person".  I assume that's a reference to Romney being a robot and Newt being the Pillsbury Doughboy.

9:12PM: Cavuto asked Perry about how Obama would debate circles around him.  Perry responded by stuttering over some things he says he'd talk about and then rambling incoherently about Tim Tebow for 30 seconds.  So there.

9:15PM: Huntsman, as he has before, promises to fix America's "trust deficit".  That's not the worst idea I've ever heard, I just don't think he can do it.  It's kind of like when Barack Obama said he was going to change Washington, but then he got there and quickly realized there was no way that was going to happen.

9:17PM: Perry just blamed President Obama for Congress' spectacular failure to do anything useful.  Seems like Perry still doesn't really understand what the President's powers are. 

9:19PM: Ron says people have been coming together for decades to increase spending, now they just have to come together to cut spending.  Ron failed to point out that he probably couldn't get 20 votes in the Senate for how he wants to cut spending (by cutting military spending, among other things).

9:20PM: Bachmann interjects perfectly in this discussion of Congressional gridlock by pointing out that she would never ever raise taxes, ever....ever...no matter what.  I'm starting to think some of this gridlock isn't actually the President's fault.

9:26PM: You can tell this is the one time every four years Iowa gets to be on TV.  They seem pretty excited.

9:27PM: Mitt appears to be claiming that, if you discount all the companies where he cut jobs, he actually added tens of thousands of jobs to companies.  That's true, just like if you skip over all the dumbass things Mitt says, he actually becomes a pretty smart guy.

9:29PM: Newt just accidentally uttered the phrase "more regulations".  I predict he'll regret that.  Republicans do not like regulations.  They don't exactly know what regulations are, but they don't like them.

9:30PM: Ron points out that Newt's job at Freddie Mac wasn't quite as "private sector" as Newt says it is. 

9:32PM: Bachmann just made what I'm going to have to, reluctantly, call a good point.  Newt's assertion is basically that, while he was working for Freddie Mac, he never once used any influence or connection he had with politicians to help Freddie Mac.  Bachmann is basically saying that sounds a lot like bullshit, and she's right.  Then Bachmann accused Newt of influence peddling and hiding behind the technical definition of lobbying.  Right again!  I keep telling you she's smarter than she lets on.

9:35PM: Newt says he only worked for people he already agreed with.  We all know that being a whore is OK as long as you promise to only take money for having sex with people you'd probably have sex with anyway.

9:36PM: When asked by Cavuto if Newt would blame Governor Romney for calling him inconsistent, Newt said he's "not in the business of blaming Governor Romney".  That's right, he's in the business of blaming the media.  Get your facts straight, Cavuto!

9:39PM: Ron says he never voted for an earmark, but he'll take them for his district.  His point being, earmarks come from taxpayer money, so taking them is just taking people's money back for them.  Hmmm...my bullshit spidey sense is tingling.  I'm gonna give Ron the benefit of the doubt, but he'd better watch himself.

9:42PM: Perry goes back like 3 questions to the whole thing about Newt being a whore.  I'm pretty sure everyone watching gets it, Newt's a whore.  Then Perry, once again, suggested his plan to make Congress part time.

9:43PM: Cavuto just made my point, which is Congress only worked 151 days last year, so how many less days does Perry want them to work?  His answer?  140 days every other year.  I assume Perry's belief that you can govern the whole country working 70 days a year is based on Perry's belief that you don't have to know things to govern. 

9:44PM: Huntsman's talking, I had forgotten about him.

9:45PM: Speaking of guys I had forgotten about, it's Rick Santorum.  Santorum still believes that he can tax cut and deregulate our way back to the 50's.

9:46PM: Baier asked Romney what sector will see the most job growth over the next ten years.  Romney says "the free market will determine that".  Translation: Mitt has no idea, and he doesn't really give a shit, he's rich.

9:48PM: Three minutes of idiotic Newt rambling about judges and the courts, followed by a minute or so of idiotic Bachmann agreement.  This is hard to summarize.  Basically, Newt wants judges to do what Newt wants them to do, and if they don't, Newt wants the power to get rid of them.  Either the individual judges, or maybe just the whole court.  If you watched this whole argument live, it probably sounded really high minded and important, but it was actually just about conservatives' desire to stop courts from protecting peoples' rights so they can outlaw gay marriage.

9:53PM: Ron appears to be the only one who's a little concerned about the whole separation of powers thing.  It's almost like Ron's saying Republicans shouldn't be able to just fire any judge they don't like.  Weird, right?

9:55PM: Santorum pointed out that while the rest of these people are just talking hypothetically about destroying separation of powers to push their theocratic ideals, Rick's actually done it.

10:02PM: Baier is basically begging Ron Paul to say he'd invade Iran.  Ron won't budge, warning again that we're hearing the war propaganda that will turn Iran into another Iraq (which he later called a "useless war").  Can we seriously just elect Ron President of foreign policy and then elect a second guy to run the domestic policy?

10:05PM: Baier keeps saying Ron is left of President Obama on Iran.  Isn't it sad that anyone who isn't eager to bomb other countries is automatically considered a lefty now?  Isn't it sad that Republicans aren't even allowed to think critically about foreign policy anymore without being called liberal?

10:07PM: Santorum calls Iran a "radical theocracy."  He added, "which, of course, would be fine with me if they would just pray to the right god".  OK, he didn't really add that, but clearly Rick has no sense of irony.

10:11PM: I just want to know when Republicans would leave Iraq.  20 years from now?  50?  When?

10:11PM: Bachmann just called Ron's answer on Iran dangerous.  Boooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

10:12PM: Instead of taking the bait, Ron went on to explain that nobody hates us for our freedom, they mostly hate us for bombing them.  That makes more sense.  I mean, if one guy was punching me in the face, and another guy was just sort of standing there being free, I'd probably hate the punching guy.

10:14PM: Seriously Michele, don't mess with Ron.  Ron's basically lecturing her now, hitting hardest by saying that we can't solve our problems with more wars.  Bachmann, defeated, falls back on saying that she's "siding with the American people".  Ron 1, Bachmann 0.

10:16PM: At least Bachmann and Paul were trying to have a substantive debate, Newt's rambling now about the U.N. and how it sucks when they don't do what Newt thinks they should do.  In general, I think it's fair to say that Newt would rather not have to deal with other people.

10:18PM: Would Rick Perry use military intervention in Syria? Hell yeah!  You can't name a country that's not Israel that Rick Perry wouldn't invade.  Go ahead, I dare you to try.

10:20PM: Newt says he's concerned about not appearing zany.  OK Newt, you got me, that was clever.

10:21PM: We're talking about the keystone pipeline now.  To be honest, I don't know enough about this to comment that much, but just to recap, here's the score in the Republican party: Environment 0, Economy Infinity.

10:23PM: Cavuto asked Huntsman if there would be any circumstance in which he would put the environment ahead of creating jobs.  Huntsman didn't really answer, instead he wandered into an answer about alternative energy sources.  The answer Cavuto was looking for?  No.

10:25PM: Bachmann thinks the President was wrong to put a moratorium on oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico just because of that one little time when BP filled the Gulf of Mexico with oil.  I mean, come on man, that's why pencils have erasers.

10:27PM: Perry's "I'm listening intently" face looks a lot like his "oh my god I don't understand any of the words Neil Cavuto just said" face.

10:33PM: Kelly just referred to the current Attorney General as "General Holder".  I'm pretty sure that's not right.  I don't think the Attorney General gets to be called a General.

10:34PM: Rare case when everyone gets to be right.  We're talking about operation fast and furious.  AG Holder says Republicans are shamelessly politicizing this issue.  He's right.  Republicans say he should resign because the operation was such an ill-conceived debacle.  They're right too.

10:36PM: Mitt just proposed a national ID card for legal immigrants.  I could have sworn I once heard these guys all going on and on about small government.

10:39PM: Huntsman says Latinos won't care about Republican immigration policy as long as the Republican nominee talks about limited government and is "pro-growth".  I'm not so sure he's right about that.

10:40PM: Wallace asked Mitt about being open minded vs. just changing his views when it was politically convenient.  Why can't it just be both?  Mitt is very open minded to doing things that advance his political career. 

10:42PM: Mitt claims to be "pro-gun".  Why is this a good thing?  What would possess a sane person to claim to be "pro-gun"?

10:43PM: OK, let's just get this on the record.  You can't claim to be for equality for homosexuals if you also say they shouldn't be allowed to get married.  I don't think Mitt and Santorum understand what "equality" and "not discriminating" mean.

10:45PM: Mitt probably should have stayed away from this fight with Santorum over gay marriage.  Santorum is literally willing to travel the country fighting the gays.  Mitt can't top that.

10:47PM: Newt makes funny faces whenever the other candidates mention him, as if he's thinking "how dare these people say true things about me?  I never say true things about anyone, the least they could do is show me the same courtesy".

10:49PM: Bachmann - "I'm a serious candidate and my facts are accurate."  Someone's getting a little cranky.

10:50PM: Some guy in the audience just interrupted Baier while he was asking a question.  I think the audience guy was telling him to ask about monetary policy.  Listen, audience guy!  Bret doesn't have time for serious policy questions, he has to ask these people about Ronald Reagan.

10:53PM: I refuse to lend credence to Baier's stupid Reagan question by commenting on it.

I guess that was the last question.  Oh well.  This debate was worse than usual.  That's really all I have to say about that.  I'm concerned that we're almost at voting time and Republicans still haven't figured out that Newt is a dangerous idiot.  If you know a Republican, please mention this to them, before it's too late.

Republican Jobs Plan

I think I finally figured it out.  Our economic recovery will ride the wave created by our thriving Republican Primary Debate Industry, which must be employing thousands of Americans by now.

Seriously, I have a question.  I doubt our intrepid ABC moderators (George Stephanopoulus and Diane Sawyer) will ask the candidates this question tonight, which is really too bad.  If tax cuts equal more jobs, and if tax rates now are among the lowest rates in the last century (which they are), then where are all the jobs?  It's a simple question.

We're only 24 days from the Iowa caucuses, that should mean it's time to start pandering pretty hard.  Hey Rick Perry!  Isn't corn delicious!?!? 

9:03PM: No Huntsman tonight.  I think you're only allowed to have one mormon in Iowa at a time.  It would be cool if Huntsman's music hit halfway through and he ran in and hit Newt with a folding chair.  Probably not going to happen though.

9:05PM: Newt sets a new record for quickest mention of Saint Reagan, I think it was the 8th word in his first sentence.  Then he proposes 0% taxes for capital gains, because obviously people who do nothing for money should pay less taxes than people who work for it.  Everyone knows that.

9:07PM: Something to keep an eye on tonight.  With Huntsman gone, it's open season on total nonsense when it comes to China. 

9:08PM: Sawyer keeps asking them to give her a number of how many jobs they're going to create.  They aren't answering, but to be fair, that's kind of a dumb question.  Why hasn't Newt pointed that out?  Is he asleep?

9:10PM: Bachmann, once again, makes it clear that everyone will pay something in taxes when she's the President, including people with nothing.  She says, currently, 47% of people are paying no taxes.  So, just to recap, Michele Bachmann is proposing a tax increase for 47% of Americans.

9:12PM:  Are you sure Rick Santorum didn't used to be bald?  I still have this very strong memory of a very balding Rick Santorum.  Am I thinking of someone else?

9:14PM: Bachmann is against extending the payroll tax cut.  I thought we were against raising taxes.  It's literally the only thing these people stand for.  I'm so confused.

9:16PM: Romney nails his new strategy of taking both sides of an issue at the same time by saying that he doesn't want to raise taxes on anyone and then derisively calling the payroll tax cut a temporary band-aid.  So, it's a terrible idea, but let's keep doing it.

9:17PM: Santorum uses the Romney strategy by talking for 30 seconds about why the payroll cut tax is bad but finishing by saying that he's all for tax cuts.

9:19PM: Ron Paul suggests extending the payroll tax cut, but paying for it by not spending quite so much on blowing things up overseas.  Newt gave him a dirty look the whole time he was talking.  They haven't mentioned yet that Newt's a genius.  Hasn't ABC heard that Newt's a genius?  Why aren't they telling me that?

9:21PM: Mitt says Newt is in favor of mining minerals from the moon.  Wait, what?  I swear I didn't make that up.  Mitt said it.  I hope they let Newt respond.  I need to hear more about this.

9:22PM: Newt says the only reason Mitt isn't a career politician is he lost a Senate race in 1994. See?  Newt is capable of saying true things sometimes. He actually seemed to get more boos than cheers from the audience on that one.  I was surprised, I think Newt was too.  Then he addressed the moon thing, apparently he really is for mining the moon. 

So, in another excellent demonstration of everything that's wrong with the Republican party right now, the Republican front-runner is in favor of reinvigorating our space program.  Not in the name of science or exploration, but because he thinks we can find gold on the moon.

9:23PM: Newt re-proposes his fantastic plan to let poor kids be janitors at their schools and gets a huge ovation from the crowd. 

9:26PM: Ron Paul slams Newt on being a spokesperson for Freddie Mac and taking the taxpayers' money from Freddie Mac.  Newt responds by pointing out that he was a paid consultant in the private sector and than having a good laugh.  See, it's funny because he's a whore.

9:29PM: Bachmann just used the term "Newt Romney" six times, pointing out that they're actually more similar than they seem to be, and setting herself up as the real alternative.  I've said this before, I think she's smarter than she lets on.

9:30PM: Newt mentioned that he's written 24 books.  He neglected to mention that 13 of them were coloring books and another six were about how delicious he thinks ham is.

9:33PM: On health care, Mitt says his Massachusetts plan only addresses the 8% of people who didn't have health care.  That's literally the exact same argument Barack Obama made about the national health care reform bill he was trying to pass.  Mitt's not even using different words.

9:35PM: When Mitt's President, he promises that he'll return to the American people their right to not have access to health care.

9:36PM: Newt points out that he only supported the individual mandate in 1993 as a rhetorical trick to fight Hillary Clinton.  It's not often you get a politician to admit that he honestly doesn't give a crap about what's right or what's the truth, he just wants to say whatever he has to so he can win the argument and destroy his opponent.  Would have been nice to get some follow-up from the moderators on that one.

9:39PM: I think Santorum just called Bachmann a loser.  That was a very frothy tactic from Rick.

9:48PM: Perry says making a vow to god is "even stronger than a handshake in Texas".  Umm, OK.  His point, Newt's been married three times, so you can't trust him.  I can think of many better reasons why you can't trust Newt. 

9:50PM: Santorum follows up by also suggesting you can't really trust Newt.  Even Ron Paul is kind of saying Newt's three marriages call his character into question, making an analogy to the oath of office.

9:52PM: This is getting weird, they seem to all be talking about Newt and his rampant infidelity, but they're not asking Newt about it.  They know he's there, right?

9:53PM: Romney turned the character question into a jobs and economy answer because, as you know, Mitt doesn't actually have any character.

9:54PM: Marcus Bachmann just got some camera time...he looks FABULOUS!

9:55PM: Newt's counterargument (given while his current wife was on camera) appears to be "sure, I've abandoned a couple of wives, but I still talk to my grandkids".

9:56PM: Sawyer says we're going to stipulate, before we start talking about immigration, that everyone here wants to secure the borders.  Nice attempt to by her to avoid some talking points, I'm not 100% convinced it'll work.

9:57PM: Newt, once again, suggests that we probably don't want to deport immigrants who belong to churches.  Everyone else needs to go though.

9:59PM: Sawyer seems surprised and confused by the fact that Romney has made conflicting statements in the past about immigration.  Has she met Mitt?  Or heard of him?  Mitt also became the first candidate to ignore Sawyer's starting stipulation and talk about securing the boarders anyway.  Mitt is a talking points machine, possibly literally.

10:01PM: Perry sprinted away from Sawyer's question about what we should do with undocumented immigrants who are currently serving in the military.  He couldn't have been less interested in answering that question.  At no point in the minute of rambling that followed did he even approach an answer.

10:03PM: Apparently Newt recently called Palestinians an "invented people".  Man can that guy pander.  Luckily Ron Paul's here to set him straight, even heading Newt's bullshit explanation off at the pass by saying that Newt's statement may be technically correct because Palestinians didn't have a state under the Ottoman Empire, but then again, neither did Israel.

10:04PM: Having been stripped of his bullshit by my man Ron, Newt fell back on the argument that all Palestinians are inherently terrorists.  Seriously, Newt is a dangerous guy, he should not be allowed to be President.  I can't stress that enough.

10:06PM: In true Romney fashion, he says that he agrees with everything Newt said, except for the actual thing we're talking about.

10:07PM: Newt just referred to himself as a historian.  It's hard to type when I'm laughing so hard.  I need a minute.

10:08PM: I think Newt just winked at someone, that was weird.

10:09PM: Mitt and Newt appear to be arguing over which one of them is best friends with the Israeli Prime Minister.

10:09PM: George Triplewordscore just asked Bachmann to tell us who's right, Mitt or Newt.  It's like the most boring installment of the twilight series ever.  Seriously though, that's kind of an insulting question.  Instead of asking Bachmann what she thinks, he just asked her which one of those two guys is right.  Santorum just got the same question from Sawyer.  Why not just ask everyone else to leave so the real candidates can talk?

10:11PM: I never thought I'd type this sentence, but Santorum just kind of danced around a good point, possibly by mistake.  He was basically saying, when we're talking about Israel and Palestine during these debates, maybe we should watch what we say and not make things worse for Israel, instead of just saying whatever the fuck we want to try and pander for some extra votes.  Even Santorum is smarter than Newt.  Santorum!

10:12PM: Perry blames the media for this whole Newt/Palestine thing, right on time.  I need to hire some media to follow me around so I can blame them for anything stupid I say. 

10:20PM: An audience question asks the candidates when was the last time they had to not just give up a luxury, but cut back on a necessity because of financial strain.  This should be good.

10:21PM: Perry's answer seemed to be 1978, let's see if anyone can beat that.  Also, Perry just referred to himself as a grown man.  That was almost as funny as when Newt called himself a historian.

10:22PM: The best Romney could do was tell us about how his dad was poor when he (his dad) was a kid.  Perry's still in the lead.  Romney also mentioned that he was a pastor in his mormon church.  I didn't know that.  I think that means he knows magic.

10:23PM: Ron says his family was so poor he didn't even know it.  Then Ron says "when a country destroys it's currency, it transfers wealth from the middle class to the wealthy".  You could seriously talk me into President Paul.  Unfortunately, you can't talk more than 5% of Republicans into it.

10:25PM: Santorum took this question about poverty as an opportunity to remind everyone that the real problem in America is gay marriage.  Classic Santorum, what a douche.

10:26PM: By the time we got to Bachmann, we somehow moved from talking about being poor to talking about the Wall St. bailout.  Anyway, I think Perry's still the winner on who was poor last.  How many points does that win him?

10:28PM: I thought this was interesting.  One of the common themes in all of the answers we got on that poverty question was that being poor in America didn't always suck quite as much as it does now.  I think the important point here is, none of these people were still poor back when Reagan (and Newt, by the way) started the Republican war on the poor and the middle class.

10:32PM: Ron says government shouldn't be in the business of protecting people from themselves.  He got a lot of happy nods from the other candidates while he was saying that, even though Ron is the only one, possibly in the whole Congress, who actually legislates like he believes it.

10:34PM: Perry says people are sick of Washington D.C.  Personally, I'm sick of Rick Perry, but maybe that's just me.

10:40PM: Twice now I've seen this insanely misleading add attacking Massachusetts Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren, who I can't wait to vote for.  I won't get into a whole thing about it, but suffice to say that Karl Rove may in fact be the worst human being currently alive and not already in prison.

Ohh!  Closing statements!  I think Little George asked them something about things that they find interesting.  I kinda missed it.  Whatever, they're just gonna talk about whatever they want to talk about anyway.

Santorum: Remember back when I won elections?  Ya know, before I got my ass handed to me in 2004.  Rick would be the perfect Republican candidate in 2002.  Is it 2002?

Perry: Perry gave Ron Paul credit for getting him interested in the Federal Reserve.  Also, Iowa's village idiot, Congressman Steve King, is in the audience.

Romney: Mitt's noticed all the Ron Paul signs outside.  I think he wishes there were some Mitt Romney signs.  Someone should tell him that all those people he sees who are standing around outside looking kind of sad and resigned to their fates are probably Romney voters.

Newt: Apparently Newt's two favorite people on the stage are Perry and Santorum.  Imagine those three people running a country together.  Yikes.

Ron: Ron talked about freedom.  Ron likes freedom.

Bachmann: Bachmann talked about Herman Cain.  I can't tell if she was seriously praising him or making fun of him.

Well, there you have it, yet another debate.  Too bad Huntsman wasn't around tonight, I really missed barely noticing him.

Meeting of the Cult of Tax Cuts

So, I decided to watch tonight's Republican debate in Iowa and, ya know, blog about it. This is probably a terrible idea. Debates are boring, and being 15 months from the actual Presidential election, this particular debate couldn't be less important. But, honestly, these people are morons and I can't help myself. As usual, I make no promises about this being coherent, well written or spelled correctly.

If you haven't been paying attention yet, first of all, good for you, and secondly, here's a quick rundown of the participants in no particular order:
1) Minnesota Congresswoman and noted insane person...Michele "Crazy Eyez" Bachmann.
2) Former Godfather's Pizza CEO and the Republican party's new black friend...Herman "The Pizza Man" Cain
3) Former Pennsylvania Senator and enduring internet sensation (google it!)...Rick "Frothy" Santorum
4) Known mormon and possible robot...Mitt "Magic Underpants" Romney
5) Former Minnesota Governor and current person...Tim "Tim" Pawlenty
6) Speaker of the House during, I believe, the Taft administration...Newt "I Can't Believe He's Still Alive" Gingrich
7) Internet darling, Texas Congressman and consistent 5th place finisher...Ron "Dr. Steel Hammer" Paul
8) Former Ambassador to China and less mormony mormon...Jon "Who The Fuck Is That Guy" Huntsman

Without further adieu, live from Crazytown, it's the first of way too many Republican debates. Wait, one pre-debate note. I watched like 45 seconds of Bill O'Reilly while waiting for the debate to begin and he made me curse at the TV twice. Not a good start.

Quick side note, you might be asking yourself why I'm watching Republicans instead of pre-season football. Well, because pre-season football sucks, that's why.

Right off the bat, I have to say I'm surprised and a little disappointed to see that Tim Pawlenty decided not to show up. Wait a minute. You know what? Pawlenty is there. That's my bad, I had mistaken him for a podium.

Fox "News " anchor Bret Baier is the moderator. He's got a panel of some other people asking questions. Baier starts off by asking the candidates to "put aside the talking points". Good luck with all that.

9:04 - First question to Bachmann, hooray! She thinks we shouldn't have raised the debt ceiling, and followed it up with a barrage of talking points. Baier cried a little. Then Romney said President Obama has ruined everything and then gave us a 7 point plan for fixing the economy. Yikes, he's like a Republican John Kerry.

9:07 - When questioned about why he's been in hiding all summer, Romney answered by completely ignoring the question and rambling until Herman's Cain's pizza delivery came to the door (oops, that was the was bell telling us Romney's time was up).

9:08 - Ron Paul did a minute on our failed monetary system. I think he may have been right about most of it, but nobody in the arena, including the seven other candidates, had any idea what he was talking about. Then he mentioned defense cuts and got a big cheer from the crowd. Four years changes a lot of things.

9:11 - Next question: What would President Cain do to re-start the economic engine? Answer: Permanent tax cuts for rich people and corporations. He must be the first Republican to have thought of that awesome plan.

9:12 - Gingrich gets the $100 prize for being the first one to mention Ronald Reagan. I can't believe it took 12 minutes.

9:13 - Pawlenty directs us to his website instead of just answering a question, then asks where Barack Obama's plans are. Maybe they're on his website. Then Pawlenty took a weird shot at Romney, something about one acre. Odd moment.

9:16 - Low blow on Pawlenty from Fox's Chris Wallace. Pawlenty responded by calling Bachmann's record in Congress "non-existent". Bachmann responded by basically saying that having no experience is still better than being Tim Pawlenty. I'll have to agree with her on that one.

9:20 - Did you know Bachmann introduced something called the "Light bulb Freedom of Choice Act"? I'm serious. By the way, we're in the middle of an all out fist fight between Bachmann and Pawlenty at this point. Apparently, Pawlenty is rubber and Bachmann is glue.

9:21 - Baier mentions how Romney made his money by laying people off. Romney's answer basically boiled down to "life's tough, get a helmet".

9:26 - We just met the chairman of the Iowa GOP. He looks EXACTLY how you would picture him. Seriously, try to picture the chairman of the Iowa GOP in your head, and then google him. I guarantee you were close.

9:27 - Gingrich reminds Wallace that any tough question is, by rule, a gotcha question. Wallace got quite a lecture from Newt there. Wallace defended himself and got booed. Meanwhile, Newt still won't address the fact that his whole staff quit.

9:31 - Huntsman might actually not be a moron. As you might expect, the crowd doesn't really know how to react to his answers.

9:32 - Cain gets the prize for being the first one to bring up the imaginary threat of sharia law. That was in response to a question about whether or not he knows enough to be President. I wonder if he knows anything about irony.

9:33 - I may have spoken to soon about Huntsman. He seems to be a fan of the magic Mexico border fence.

9:34 - If you come to America and get a PHD in Physics, Mitt Romney will staple a green card to your diploma. Good to know.

9:35 - Cain says "America has got to learn how to take a joke". I'm with him on that one. It's nice to know Cain has been joking this whole time. For a minute I thought he was trying to run a serious campaign.

9:37 - Gingrich immediately demonstrates his inability to take a joke and then proposes a number of unconstitutional things we can do to immigrants (English as the national language and somehow distinguishing between people who have been here for a long time and people who just got here recently were the highlights). Newt's playing the role of a crazy homeless guy who wandered onto the stage.

9:41 - The liberal-ish guy on the panel is asking the former Governors about the times they raised taxes. The basic response was "lalala, we can't hear you, tax cuts!". Pawlenty and Bachmann are hammering away at each other again. Pawlenty keeps trying to make logical arguments, he doesn't know Bachmann is impervious to logic. So much for Minnesota nice.

9:47 - One minute from Santorum on the importance of negotiation and compromise, except when it comes to taxes.

9:51 - Now Pawlenty's going after Romney. It's open season on front-runners, and Pawlenty's got the shotgun. Also, Romney agrees with everything in President Obama's health care plan, except the fact that President Obama was involved.

9:54 - Bachmann says the government can't force people to buy anything. I wonder if she has car insurance.

9:56 - Ron Paul says government involvement drives a wedge between the doctor and the patient. That's right! Government isn't supposed to get in there, that's where the insurance companies go.

9:57 - Santorum just compared same-sex marriage to polygamy and sterilization. Took him long enough. No follow-up from Baier. Glad he's here. Also, it appears the candidates get to take a walk whenever we have commercials. Sort of like recess.

10:00 - Bachmann came back late from recess. I can't even write a joke for that one.

10:02 - Huntsman has to work on his delivery. I always think he's being sarcastic (come to think of it, maybe he is).

10:04 - Quick side note. If Rick Perry somehow becomes the President, I'm moving to Canada where him and his god can't get me.

10:08 - Every question Gingrich gets is a gotcha question. Also, Gingrich did a pretty good job of laying out his policy on Libya, he believes we should do the opposite of whatever the President is doing, and he feels very strongly about it.

10:14 - Ron Paul doesn't mind Iran developing nuclear weapons, he made the point that we let Russia and China have nuclear weapons. He thinks we should talk to Cuba too. Santorum practically leaped over his podium to disagree with him on Iran. Paul responded with a history lesson about Iran. Silly Ron Paul, Rick Santorum doesn't care about facts.

10:18 - Bachmann was talking about terrorists being given due process and said something that I never understand when Republicans say it. If they believe that the rights granted in our Constitution are given to us by their god, why is it that those rights only apply to Americans? I know why I believe rights in the Constitution only apply to Americans, because I know their god isn't real. But I find their position incongruent. (sorry religious friends, I try not to be mean, but these Republicans get me all riled up).

10:22 - Paul responds to more nonsense from Santorum on Iran by saying "you've just heard the war propaganda that will get us into the next war". I know he's crazy sometimes, but I don't care, Ron Paul's the best.

10:26 - Gingrich explains that his proposed loyalty test for muslims who work in the government would actually apply to everyone. Oh, that makes it OK then.

10:28 - Cain pulls the old "I don't mind Mitt Romney being a mormon, but other people really don't like it" trick. Ya know, I think Herman Cain is great, but I've heard other people think he's a total moron.

10:31 - Romney believes marriage should be decided at the federal level. He looks a lot like that guy who was going on and on about states rights and healthcare like 30 minutes ago. Apparently marriage is different because people move from state to state. Of course, Romney knows that when you move from one state to another, whatever poor health you previously had stays behind.

10:33 - Santorum does not like the gays, and Ron Paul does not like Santorum. Personally, I'm on Ron Paul's side. Santorum also promised to come to every state and be homophobic in person if he has to.

10:37 - Now they're talking about abortion. What the hell? Is there some kind of debate inside the Republican party about this? Are we not sure if the eventual Republican nominee will be anti-choice? Why do they have this weird competition about who hates abortion more every four years? We get it.

10:40 - Romney's in favor of privatizing unemployment benefits. Interesting argument coming from a guy who laid people off for a living. Maybe Mitt should just sit this topic out.

10:43 - Bachmann demonstrates that she still doesn't understand how the debt ceiling works. At least she's consistent with her stupidity.

10:47 - I think Gingrich is going for the overall championship for most mentions of Reagan. He certainly has the lead.

10:50 - Santorum criticizes Bachmann and Paul for not being able to magically use the one vote they each have in the House of Respresentatives to immediately balance the federal budget.

10:54 - Huntsman believes parents and local politicians should be in charge of education. OK, that's it, I'm done with him. You know how I feel about parents and local politicians.

Each candidates gets a closing statement, I'll try to sum them up for you:
Santorum - Iowa's a nice state.
Cain - Something about poetry.
Paul - Ron talked about god. Oh Ron, why do you hurt me so.
Romney - President Obama hasn't lived in the real economy (Huh?)
Bachmann - Washington DC is bad. (where does she work again?)
Pawlenty - More god stuff.
Huntsman - We're all gonna die, unless you vote for me.
Gingrich - Screw the Presidential election, we need to do something now. That was weird, and a perfect ending.