Meeting of the Cult of Tax Cuts

So, I decided to watch tonight's Republican debate in Iowa and, ya know, blog about it. This is probably a terrible idea. Debates are boring, and being 15 months from the actual Presidential election, this particular debate couldn't be less important. But, honestly, these people are morons and I can't help myself. As usual, I make no promises about this being coherent, well written or spelled correctly.

If you haven't been paying attention yet, first of all, good for you, and secondly, here's a quick rundown of the participants in no particular order:
1) Minnesota Congresswoman and noted insane person...Michele "Crazy Eyez" Bachmann.
2) Former Godfather's Pizza CEO and the Republican party's new black friend...Herman "The Pizza Man" Cain
3) Former Pennsylvania Senator and enduring internet sensation (google it!)...Rick "Frothy" Santorum
4) Known mormon and possible robot...Mitt "Magic Underpants" Romney
5) Former Minnesota Governor and current person...Tim "Tim" Pawlenty
6) Speaker of the House during, I believe, the Taft administration...Newt "I Can't Believe He's Still Alive" Gingrich
7) Internet darling, Texas Congressman and consistent 5th place finisher...Ron "Dr. Steel Hammer" Paul
8) Former Ambassador to China and less mormony mormon...Jon "Who The Fuck Is That Guy" Huntsman

Without further adieu, live from Crazytown, it's the first of way too many Republican debates. Wait, one pre-debate note. I watched like 45 seconds of Bill O'Reilly while waiting for the debate to begin and he made me curse at the TV twice. Not a good start.

Quick side note, you might be asking yourself why I'm watching Republicans instead of pre-season football. Well, because pre-season football sucks, that's why.

Right off the bat, I have to say I'm surprised and a little disappointed to see that Tim Pawlenty decided not to show up. Wait a minute. You know what? Pawlenty is there. That's my bad, I had mistaken him for a podium.

Fox "News " anchor Bret Baier is the moderator. He's got a panel of some other people asking questions. Baier starts off by asking the candidates to "put aside the talking points". Good luck with all that.

9:04 - First question to Bachmann, hooray! She thinks we shouldn't have raised the debt ceiling, and followed it up with a barrage of talking points. Baier cried a little. Then Romney said President Obama has ruined everything and then gave us a 7 point plan for fixing the economy. Yikes, he's like a Republican John Kerry.

9:07 - When questioned about why he's been in hiding all summer, Romney answered by completely ignoring the question and rambling until Herman's Cain's pizza delivery came to the door (oops, that was the was bell telling us Romney's time was up).

9:08 - Ron Paul did a minute on our failed monetary system. I think he may have been right about most of it, but nobody in the arena, including the seven other candidates, had any idea what he was talking about. Then he mentioned defense cuts and got a big cheer from the crowd. Four years changes a lot of things.

9:11 - Next question: What would President Cain do to re-start the economic engine? Answer: Permanent tax cuts for rich people and corporations. He must be the first Republican to have thought of that awesome plan.

9:12 - Gingrich gets the $100 prize for being the first one to mention Ronald Reagan. I can't believe it took 12 minutes.

9:13 - Pawlenty directs us to his website instead of just answering a question, then asks where Barack Obama's plans are. Maybe they're on his website. Then Pawlenty took a weird shot at Romney, something about one acre. Odd moment.

9:16 - Low blow on Pawlenty from Fox's Chris Wallace. Pawlenty responded by calling Bachmann's record in Congress "non-existent". Bachmann responded by basically saying that having no experience is still better than being Tim Pawlenty. I'll have to agree with her on that one.

9:20 - Did you know Bachmann introduced something called the "Light bulb Freedom of Choice Act"? I'm serious. By the way, we're in the middle of an all out fist fight between Bachmann and Pawlenty at this point. Apparently, Pawlenty is rubber and Bachmann is glue.

9:21 - Baier mentions how Romney made his money by laying people off. Romney's answer basically boiled down to "life's tough, get a helmet".

9:26 - We just met the chairman of the Iowa GOP. He looks EXACTLY how you would picture him. Seriously, try to picture the chairman of the Iowa GOP in your head, and then google him. I guarantee you were close.

9:27 - Gingrich reminds Wallace that any tough question is, by rule, a gotcha question. Wallace got quite a lecture from Newt there. Wallace defended himself and got booed. Meanwhile, Newt still won't address the fact that his whole staff quit.

9:31 - Huntsman might actually not be a moron. As you might expect, the crowd doesn't really know how to react to his answers.

9:32 - Cain gets the prize for being the first one to bring up the imaginary threat of sharia law. That was in response to a question about whether or not he knows enough to be President. I wonder if he knows anything about irony.

9:33 - I may have spoken to soon about Huntsman. He seems to be a fan of the magic Mexico border fence.

9:34 - If you come to America and get a PHD in Physics, Mitt Romney will staple a green card to your diploma. Good to know.

9:35 - Cain says "America has got to learn how to take a joke". I'm with him on that one. It's nice to know Cain has been joking this whole time. For a minute I thought he was trying to run a serious campaign.

9:37 - Gingrich immediately demonstrates his inability to take a joke and then proposes a number of unconstitutional things we can do to immigrants (English as the national language and somehow distinguishing between people who have been here for a long time and people who just got here recently were the highlights). Newt's playing the role of a crazy homeless guy who wandered onto the stage.

9:41 - The liberal-ish guy on the panel is asking the former Governors about the times they raised taxes. The basic response was "lalala, we can't hear you, tax cuts!". Pawlenty and Bachmann are hammering away at each other again. Pawlenty keeps trying to make logical arguments, he doesn't know Bachmann is impervious to logic. So much for Minnesota nice.

9:47 - One minute from Santorum on the importance of negotiation and compromise, except when it comes to taxes.

9:51 - Now Pawlenty's going after Romney. It's open season on front-runners, and Pawlenty's got the shotgun. Also, Romney agrees with everything in President Obama's health care plan, except the fact that President Obama was involved.

9:54 - Bachmann says the government can't force people to buy anything. I wonder if she has car insurance.

9:56 - Ron Paul says government involvement drives a wedge between the doctor and the patient. That's right! Government isn't supposed to get in there, that's where the insurance companies go.

9:57 - Santorum just compared same-sex marriage to polygamy and sterilization. Took him long enough. No follow-up from Baier. Glad he's here. Also, it appears the candidates get to take a walk whenever we have commercials. Sort of like recess.

10:00 - Bachmann came back late from recess. I can't even write a joke for that one.

10:02 - Huntsman has to work on his delivery. I always think he's being sarcastic (come to think of it, maybe he is).

10:04 - Quick side note. If Rick Perry somehow becomes the President, I'm moving to Canada where him and his god can't get me.

10:08 - Every question Gingrich gets is a gotcha question. Also, Gingrich did a pretty good job of laying out his policy on Libya, he believes we should do the opposite of whatever the President is doing, and he feels very strongly about it.

10:14 - Ron Paul doesn't mind Iran developing nuclear weapons, he made the point that we let Russia and China have nuclear weapons. He thinks we should talk to Cuba too. Santorum practically leaped over his podium to disagree with him on Iran. Paul responded with a history lesson about Iran. Silly Ron Paul, Rick Santorum doesn't care about facts.

10:18 - Bachmann was talking about terrorists being given due process and said something that I never understand when Republicans say it. If they believe that the rights granted in our Constitution are given to us by their god, why is it that those rights only apply to Americans? I know why I believe rights in the Constitution only apply to Americans, because I know their god isn't real. But I find their position incongruent. (sorry religious friends, I try not to be mean, but these Republicans get me all riled up).

10:22 - Paul responds to more nonsense from Santorum on Iran by saying "you've just heard the war propaganda that will get us into the next war". I know he's crazy sometimes, but I don't care, Ron Paul's the best.

10:26 - Gingrich explains that his proposed loyalty test for muslims who work in the government would actually apply to everyone. Oh, that makes it OK then.

10:28 - Cain pulls the old "I don't mind Mitt Romney being a mormon, but other people really don't like it" trick. Ya know, I think Herman Cain is great, but I've heard other people think he's a total moron.

10:31 - Romney believes marriage should be decided at the federal level. He looks a lot like that guy who was going on and on about states rights and healthcare like 30 minutes ago. Apparently marriage is different because people move from state to state. Of course, Romney knows that when you move from one state to another, whatever poor health you previously had stays behind.

10:33 - Santorum does not like the gays, and Ron Paul does not like Santorum. Personally, I'm on Ron Paul's side. Santorum also promised to come to every state and be homophobic in person if he has to.

10:37 - Now they're talking about abortion. What the hell? Is there some kind of debate inside the Republican party about this? Are we not sure if the eventual Republican nominee will be anti-choice? Why do they have this weird competition about who hates abortion more every four years? We get it.

10:40 - Romney's in favor of privatizing unemployment benefits. Interesting argument coming from a guy who laid people off for a living. Maybe Mitt should just sit this topic out.

10:43 - Bachmann demonstrates that she still doesn't understand how the debt ceiling works. At least she's consistent with her stupidity.

10:47 - I think Gingrich is going for the overall championship for most mentions of Reagan. He certainly has the lead.

10:50 - Santorum criticizes Bachmann and Paul for not being able to magically use the one vote they each have in the House of Respresentatives to immediately balance the federal budget.

10:54 - Huntsman believes parents and local politicians should be in charge of education. OK, that's it, I'm done with him. You know how I feel about parents and local politicians.

Each candidates gets a closing statement, I'll try to sum them up for you:
Santorum - Iowa's a nice state.
Cain - Something about poetry.
Paul - Ron talked about god. Oh Ron, why do you hurt me so.
Romney - President Obama hasn't lived in the real economy (Huh?)
Bachmann - Washington DC is bad. (where does she work again?)
Pawlenty - More god stuff.
Huntsman - We're all gonna die, unless you vote for me.
Gingrich - Screw the Presidential election, we need to do something now. That was weird, and a perfect ending.