The Man That You Fear

This Republican primary race is hard to figure.  Nobody can rationally explain how Trump still leads all the polls.  Trump got himself in trouble recently by suggesting that we just stop letting muslims into the country.  And by "got himself in trouble" I mean scored another week of non-stop media coverage and surged in the polls.  Does Trump not allow follow-up questions?  Or if you ask him a follow-up question does he just yell and make faces until you give up?  How would this plan work?

For years, Trump insisted that Barack Obama was a secret muslim engaged in a lifelong plan to lie about being a muslim so he could become President of the United States and do...I don't know...whatever terrible thing Trump thinks he's going to do in the next year before he's not the President anymore.  Any yet, no muslim terrorist would be cagey enough to slip past airport screeners on the lookout for muslims.  Seems like a flawed plan to me.

Anyway, the part I really can't figure out is how Ted Cruz is suddenly pushing into a clear 2nd place.  How is Ted Cruz the anti-Trump?  How do you decide you don't like Trump and then you see Ted Cruz and you're like "sign me up!"?  If Donald Trump is your problem, Ted Cruz is not the answer.  If the things Donald Trump says scare you, Ted Cruz is the man that you fear. 

While Trump is wildly unelectable, comically so, Cruz is vaguely electable under the right circumstances.  For one thing, he at least has some experience governing.  He's terrible at it, also comically so, but he's done it a little.  And while Trump has the temperament of three toddlers in a man suit, Cruz has all the sociopathic tendencies of a serial killer.  That might sound unelectable, but serial killers only become serial killers by luring victims into his lair or whatever.

The point is, Cruz is like Trump only worse because he actually takes this election seriously and he may just be tricky enough to get nominated.  And if we have to choose between Ted Cruz and Hillary Clinton my only suggestion would be that we all hold our breath until one of these parties gives us a decent candidate to vote for.  OK, let's see how long I can last tonight.

8:47PM: Tonight's debate is being moderated by Blitzer and some other CNN clowns.  I'm starting with zero patience for CNN so my attitude isn't going to get any better.

8:49PM: Rand immediately attacked Trump and said boots on the ground in Syria should be Arab boots.  Big pop from the crowd for Rand.  Interesting.

8:50PM: Kasich says his daughter doesn't like politics because it's loud and there's a lot of yelling.  I'm going to score that as two consecutive attacks on Trump.

8:52PM: Carly started off by saying "Like all of you, I'm angry".  That pretty much sums Carly up.

8:53PM: Jeb started off with something about how things are under attack and Hillary is under investigation and something else is under the gun.  I told you last time, Jeb loves to have fun with words.

8:54PM: Rubio apparently lived in Vegas for six years when he was a kid, and his dad smoked three cigars a day.  Then he said something stupid about traditional values but still, is it possible Rubio is actually interesting?  Why has he been hiding it?  Tell us more about your smokey Vegas upbringing!

8:57PM: Carson started off with a moment of silence for San Bernadino victims.  Then he made some tortured analogy about the country being in critical condition and excising the cancer of ISIS.  Ben's campaign is like Bruce Willis in the Sixth Sense.

8:59PM: It's amazing how Trump still stands out on a stage full of egomaniacs.  He immediately pointed out how he's center stage and "people like" what he says.  He's like a little kid telling you how he did great at school today.

9:00PM: "I will build a wall, it'll be a great wall."  I don't really have to tell you who said that, right?

9:02PM: Jeb points out that banning all muslims from the United States isn't a serious proposal and might make some of the countries in the Middle East we're hoping will fight ISIS with us a little uncomfortable about working with us.  Then he called Trump a "chaos candidate".  Zing!  Trump responded, predictably, by insulting Jeb and Jeb's campaign and generally being a dick.

9:04PM: Question to Rubio: "You said banning all muslims is unconstitutional, but polls show a majority of Republicans support Trump's proposal...".  I wish Rubio had just said that constitutional things aren't up for a majority vote, but he said some other stuff instead.

9:06PM: Cruz just quoted FDR's grandfather, but then he actually made a vaguely coherent point about the difference between radical muslim terrorists and other muslims.  This is what I'm telling you about Cruz.  He knows how to sound normal.  He isn't.

9:08PM: Carly seems to be advocating for a new Patriot Act because the old one was written in 2001 and we need to invade the privacy of all the phones and apps and stuff that have been invented since then.  She said we need to work with the private sector and she can because she knows them.  I'm pretty sure these other guys know them too.

9:10PM:  Chris Christie's American flag pin is shaped like New Jersey, which is just adorable.

9:11PM: Kasich says the Saudi's have a coalition of 34 countries that want to help us fight terrorists.  Can we stop the debate and find out if that's true?  That sounds like a good step and I feel like it's a lot more important that whatever Trump is about to say.

9:14PM: Cruz is making Rand's point about focusing on bad guys instead of having more surveillance of law abiding citizens.  I imagine Rand is raising his hand pretty energetically right now but CNN doesn't care.

9:15PM: Cruz and Rubio are having an argument about which one of them is telling the truth about the USA Freedom Act.  I believe Rubio.  As I may have mentioned, Cruz is a sociopath.

9:17PM: Rand is casually attacking Rubio, saying that Rubio is for open borders.  That was weird and seemed to come from out of nowhere.  Rand got another loud cheer.  The Rand people are in the house tonight.

9:19PM: Christie after a five minute argument between Rand and Marco "if your eyes are glazed over right now, this is what it's like on the floor of the Senate".  I couldn't tell you why Christie isn't doing better in this race.  Did MSBNC really land punches with that stupid bridge story?  That can't be it.

9:21PM: Ben just complained about how much time he's been allowed to talk.  That strategy literally never works.  Blitzer asked Ben who was right between Rand and Marco.  Ben, instead of, you know, taking a position on something, said "you'll have to ask them".  Ben is terrible at this.  How is he still here?

9:23PM: Blitzer asked Jeb a question that mentioned Jeb's brother.  Low blow Wolfie.

9:25PM: Carly says the government is too far behind the technological curve.  She's not wrong about that.

9:26PM: Question to Trump regarding his comment about "closing that internet up".  Trump wants to use our most brilliant people to keep ISIS off the internet and also penetrate the internet to find where ISIS is.  Does Trump think the internet is, like, a place you can go to?

9:29PM: I didn't listen to what Kasich just said because I was still trying to figure out what Trump was talking about.  Now I know why Kasich can't get any traction.

9:30PM: Cruz just called 15-30 bombing missions a day "photo op foreign policy".  How many bombs does Ted want to drop on Syria?  Syria isn't that big.  I think it's become fairly clear that we can't bomb our way out of this.  Also, when asked if he would bomb civilians in Syria, the gist of Cruz's answer was yes.  Sociopath.

9:32PM: Marco says you need a ground force to defeat ISIS.  He's not wrong.  He says you need a Sunni Arab ground force with some embedded Americans.  That's also probably right, but doesn't sound likely.

9:34PM: Blitzer seems to be trying to provoke fights between Rubio and everyone else.  If this was MSBNC, I'd say they were trying to make the only viable candidate look bad, but I don't think Wolf is that cagey.

9:35PM: Cruz says we need to be killing bad guys and not getting stuck in Middle Eastern civil wars. Be afraid.  Ted can do this.

9:36PM: Facebook question...apparently Trump recently said we should be killing families of ISIS members.  So, the Facebook guy was wondering, ya know, should we really be intentionally killing civilians?  Trump, amazingly, stood behind that idea and said it would make people think twice about joining ISIS.

9:39PM: Jeb says Trump can't insult his way to the Presidency.  Jeb is all over Trump right now. Trump said we will never be great again with Jeb's attitude and got booed for it.  These crowds never seem to have a lot of Trump people in them.  Who are the Trump people?

9:41PM: Breaking news from Ben, children don't like it when you tell them that you have to open their head up to remove a tumor.  Good note from Ben,

9:42PM: The other guy who isn't Wolf asked Ben if he's willing to be as ruthless in fighting ISIS as Churchill was in fighting the nazis.  Solid question.  Ben said he wouldn't say ruthless, but he would be tough.  Those aren't the same things though.  Ruthless is the right word.

9:44PM: Rand's people explode whenever mentions the Constitution.  He's like a band that has that one song everyone came to hear.  Meanwhile, more boos for Trump.

9:46PM: Kasich wants a massive, American-led army to defeat ISIS.  Kasich is a sneaky hawk.  You wouldn't expect it because he seems kind of laid back.

9:49PM: Christie is playing the "I'm not from Washington" card pretty hard.  It seems like that would work, but it doesn't work for Chris.  You would think maybe it's just because Trump is getting the anti-Washington votes for now, but I can't imagine the Trump people voting for Christie.  This race is a mess.  Also, Christie wants to be friends with the king of Jordan.

9:51PM: Watching Ben talk about foreign policy is like watching a 6th grader try to give a memorized book report.

9:56PM: Cruz seems to be co-opting all of Rand's ideas.  Now he's talking about how toppling dictators is a bad idea when the people who take over the country next are worse.  Rand has to be wondering why he's not doing better.  It can't be because Cruz is more likable.

9:58PM: Rubio's argument for toppling dictators is pretty coherent.  If a dictator is going to go anyway, why not get involved and try to help create a stable aftermath?  I'm not saying I agree, but I am saying Rubio seems to have a decent grasp on foreign policy.

10:00PM: Kasich mentioned the Saudi coalition again.  Does he have secret information that nobody else has?  I'm so intrigued.

10:00PM: Some guy was shouting at Trump from the audience.  Trump didn't take the bait.  I'm stunned.

10:01PM: Trump wishes we had the 4 or 5 trillion dollars we spent in Iraq back and that we had used it here on roads and stuff.  OK so this is one of those reasons why people like Trump.  He says stuff without thinking, but sometimes that means he says stuff without thinking about whether or not it fits with Republican dogma, and that lands with people.

10:03PM: Wolf asked Carson if the Middle East is better off with dictators.  That's kind of an unfair question and Ben sniffed it out and said dictators are bad but we can't just fix the Middle East with bombs.  Ben isn't a dumb guy.

10:05PM: Rand says "there's often variations of evil on both sides of a war".  That really is the foundation of Rand's foreign policy.  If we have no good choices, why bother choosing a side?

10:06PM: Cruz says all of these complicated questions are silly and we should just be defeating our enemies.  Ted doesn't realize that these questions about dictators are questions about who our real enemies are and if we should be taking sides in these fights.  Ted really shouldn't be President.

10:09PM: OK so we basically all agree that we have no good choices in the Middle East and the result of the Syrian civil war will be bad for us no matter how it turns out.  Can we just move on to something silly like the economy or guns or something?  This is depressing.

10:11PM: Quick kudos for Wolf here for not letting this debate be another episode of Trump and Friends.  On the other hand, we're really beating this foreign policy stuff to death.  Presidenting sometimes involves doing things in America too.

10:12PM: Would Christie shoot down a Russian plane in a no-fly zone?  Damn right he would!  Then he called the current President a feckless weakling.  Wolf seemed stunned.

10:13PM: Rand called Christie reckless and said "if you want World War 3 I think you've found your candidate".  I agree that Russia might not be cool with us shooting down their planes.  Then Rand mentioned that stupid bridge story.  Low blow Rand!  I'm giving Rand a time-out.

10:15PM: Jeb says he knows what he doesn't know and he wouldn't get his information from "the shows" (which is apparently something Trump said he does).  Get ready for some Trump insults!

10:16PM: Trump actually controlled himself and rather than attacking Jeb attacked CNN for asking Jeb about Trump, but then he said CNN just does it for ratings because he's still Trump.  Jeb didn't take the olive branch and punched back at Trump some more and then we got the insults I was waiting for about Jeb's poll numbers and his spot on the stage.

10:18PM: Kasich took the opportunity to jump in and be the voice of reason.  Then he mentioned the economy.  Yes! Please!  Something else!

10:19PM: Does being the head of surgery at a hospital qualify Carson to be the Commander in Chief?  The answer is no.  That's not what Ben said.  Ben said our country was designed to have citizen statesmen.  That's 100% true, but things are marginally more complicated now than they were in the 18th century.

10:20PM: We're going to talk about immigration now.  Ugh.  Part of Rubio's answer was "we will not be able to do anything on immigration...".  That's really all he needs to say.

10:22PM: Cruz and Rubio have basically the same haircut, but somehow they don't really look the same.  I think Ted's head is a little more oddly shaped.

10:24PM: Ted wants to secure the border.  Is anyone against securing the border?  I didn't think so.  Can we please move on?

10:25PM: Ted says he led the fight against Marco's immigration bill.  Yes, but Ted leads the fight against every bill ever because he's a legislative arsonist.

10:26PM: Every time two of these guys start fighting, Carly starts yelling about how this is why people don't like politics.  What did Carly think a debate was?  Sometimes people disagree.

10:27PM: People talk about Trump's hair a lot.  It really isn't so weird.  It's just kind of thin and an odd color.  It looks like cotton candy.

10:28PM: I feel like if you talked to Jeb in person, he'd be one of those people who really struggles to make eye contact.

10:29PM: Apparently Carson visited a Syrian refugee camp recently and called it "really quite nice".  He also said they need more medical care.  Seems like Ben could have just stayed there and we all would have won.

10:33PM: Rand says he hasn't taken a position on sending the 2,000 Syrian refugees already in the United States home.  Now would be a good time to take a position though.  We're having a debate.

10:35PM: Question from Facebook...if the bible says we need to embrace those in need, how can we justify not accepting refugees?  Christie's answer was basically, because the FBI says so.  We've come a long way in Republican politics when the FBI trumps the bible.

10:37PM: Wolf just said we are just beginning.  What?  This has already been going on for two hours.  I'm taking Wolf's words as a threat and quitting while I'm ahead.  These debates are too long.  We need to take Ben, Trump, Carly and Cruz and send them on a super secret mission somewhere until we can get this election settled.