Last weekend we bid a sad farewell to Jeb Bush. Sad isn't really the right word. Last week we bid an underwhelmed farewell to Jeb Bush. What happened to Jeb isn't as much of a mystery as people seem to think. Like Mitt Romney and John Kerry and Al Gore, Jeb was yet another example of what happens if you give a candidate every possible advantage except a personality.
Jeb's campaign was like buying a box of 64 crayons and then opening them to find out that you've got 64 white crayons. It's worse than boring. 64 red crayons is boring, 64 white crayons is boring and pointless.
That said, Jeb was at least moderately reasonable sometimes and tried to run a campaign that wasn't completely based on insults and yelling. In a Democracy, we get the leadership we deserve. If we're really stupid enough to elect Donald Trump, then that's what we deserve.
On that cheery note, it's time for another debate. I don't consider town halls real debates, so I haven't done one of these in a little while. Tonight's debate is being hosted by CNN. CNN is the absolute worst, and the non-Trump guys on the stage are getting desperate, and also we're in Texas, so this should be a debacle.
8:33PM: Bush 41 and Barbara Bush are in the house. I assume they were always planning to attend this one, which makes Jeb's recent exit extra depressing. Bush 41 doesn't look so good, but I assume that's what comes with watching your son fail at presidenting for eight years.
8:35PM: We're starting things off with the national anthem because Rubio and Cruz have recently been saying that this isn't a game and CNN says screw you to that bullshit.
8:40PM: CNN is now in the middle of five minutes of commercials they're running before the debate even starts. When we finally got back Blitzer explained the rules of debates to us because this isn't the 50th debate we've had in the last 4 months.
8:43PM: Carson said they all need to be looking for solutions tonight instead of destroying each other. What is Carson still doing here? Does he not get cable? Has he not heard that he's finished?
8:44PM: Kasich started the debate by telling young people that they can do whatever they want. Sometimes I feel like Kasich is participating in a completely different campaign than everybody else.
8:45PM: Cruz says as President he'll do what he says he'll do. That's 100% true. He's a maniac and as President he'll do maniac things.
8:46PM: Blitzer, because he hates all of us, has decided to start right in on immigration. If I could set Wolf's beard on fire with my mind right now, I would.
8:47PM: As Trump rambles through an answer about immigration, I'm struck by the fact that Trump seems so unfamiliar with even his own policies. You listen to a guy like Ben Carson talk about foreign policy, and you can tell he's still learning and being sort of vague about stuff, and that makes sense because he has no experience in that area. Trump sounds that way when he's talking about his own positions. It's bizarre.
8:50PM: Rubio was kind enough to basically make my point for me, and then he followed up by hammering Trump on hiring immigrants instead of Americans. Trump responded by saying it was too hot for Americans to work in Florida so that's why he had to hire immigrants.
8:52PM: Trump just spent 30 seconds randomly attacking Mitt Romney. It's so strange to me that people can watch him talk and think "Yeah, that's my guy".
8:53PM: Rubio wants us to google Trump + Polish workers, so you should probably do that. Trump's response about hiring immigrants is that he's the only one on the stage who's ever hired anyone. These other guys have staffs, right?
8:55PM: Cruz says he was obstructing immigration reform in Congress while Trump was firing Dennis Rodman on TV. Zing!
8:56PM: Every time a debate crowd boos Trump or cheers someone else, Trump accuses the crowd of being full of lobbyists. I'm 100% sure Trump doesn't know what a lobbyist is.
8:57PM: Cruz, as he sometimes does and it terrifies me, just made a really good point. Trump's insatiable need to be liked isn't exactly a great quality for a President, who often has to do things that people don't like.
8:58PM: Kasich gets to talk for a minute while Cruz and Rubio reload.
9:00PM: Ben thinks everything we do should be fair because he's running for President of kindergarten. Honestly, I got bored while Ben was talking and checked my email.
9:02PM: Wolf asked Trump how he's going to get Mexico to pay for the wall since they're definitely not going to do that. Trumps answer was, and I swear this is true, "I will, and it just got 10 feet taller". Also, the wall in Trump's head is really tall. Larger than whatever building they're in. I mean, honestly, I'd love to see it.
9:04PM: Rubio just said Trump would use illegal immigrant labor to build the wall, and then accused him of wearing ties and suits made in China and Mexico. Rubes is on fire, adding, when Trump said Rubio doesn't know anything about business, "I don't know anything about bankrupting four companies". Then he said if Trump didn't inherit 200 million dollars he'd be selling watches in Manhattan. Marco Bomaye! Marco Bomaye!
9:08PM: More immigration talk. Ya know, after years of trial and error, I've discovered that cheeseburgers don't give me heartburn, but almost everything else does. That seems odd. Should I be concerned about that?
9:11PM: Cruz has a habit of calling other people politicians as if he's some kind of farmer or something.
9:12PM: One of the moderators just asked Cruz why him and Rubio spend so much time arguing over who's going to be tougher on immigrants. Cruz somehow wandered into a speech about judeo-christian values and dish washing.
9:14PM: Rubio said what a lot of Republicans say, that Latinos care about more than just immigration. Republicans aren't failing with Latinos because of some policy disagreement. Republicans are failing with Latinos because Republicans have been weaponizing racism by using the issue of immigration as a bludgeon and Latinos are understandably offended by being the target of that weaponized racism.
9:16PM: I'm getting a little tired of Kasich's Mr. Nice Guy act.
9:19PM: Trump started his answer by saying that he doesn't believe anything Telemundo says. Then he said he's bringing Latinos into the Republican party, and then he said he loves Telemundo, and then he said Telemundo is fine. Then he said he settled his lawsuit with Univision. Watching Trump talk is like watching a circus that all the humans have abandoned so the animals are just sort of wandering around and eating stuff.
9:22PM: Cruz says that one more liberal justice would erase the 2nd amendment. Justices don't get to just erase stuff in the Constitution. I'm sure about that, I checked.
9:23PM: Hugh Hewitt says religious liberty keeps him up at night. Me too, but probably for different reasons. Hugh is one of those people who has fever dreams about churches all crumbling down as soon as Hobby Lobby has to let a female employee get birth control.
9:26PM: Trump says Cruz needs to apologize for criticizing Trump's sister, who is apparently a judge. Then Cruz accused Trump of implying that Cruz is a "crazy zealot" and Trump responded by asking Cruz if he was calling himself a crazy zealot. I think Cruz needs a minute to recover.
9:30PM: Trump says he's OK with funding Planned Parenthood as long as they don't do abortions. After Trump effectively stops Planned Parenthood from performing abortions, I predict he'll open his own chain of classy, gold-plated abortion clinics.
9:30PM: Kasich on same sex marriage, "the court has ruled and I've moved on". Then he said if you own a business you need to sell stuff to everybody. This is what passes as tolerant for Republicans, "I don't think gay people should have rights, but I'm not going to get all mad about it".
9:34PM: Rubio actually has something that sounds like a plan to replace Obamacare. It was vague and poorly thought out, but still, Trump's plan is just "something much better".
9:35PM: Trump said the insurance companies are making a fortune and it's not Ben's fault or Kasich's, but he's not mentioning any names specifically. His basic point though, was that Obamacare was a huge gift to insurance companies, which I said like 6 years ago and is sadly true.
9:37PM: Rubio has a habit of making my points about Trump for me. Trump says Rubio's biggest problem is that he doesn't understand the imaginary lines around states that Trump is talking about. Trump rambled a little more about lines and about different plans, to which Rubio said "now he's repeating himself". The crowd laughed and cheered for about a minute. Rubio then went into a stand-up routine in which he mocked Trump's stump speech. Rubio is in charge right now.
9:40PM: Kasich says hospital bills are harder to translate then the dead sea scrolls. One guy in the audience loved that reference. I'm starting to zero in on why Kasich isn't winning. When he's not talking about how nice he is and how 12 year old girls don't like yelling, his policy answers are very jargony and they sort of go over everyone's head.
9:43PM: Ben says health care is not a right, but it is a responsibility for society. How is it that the right to life people don't believe that staying alive is a right? I wish one of these CNN people would ask that question. Where's Anderson Cooper when you need him?
9:45PM: Blitzer keeps trying to interrupt Ben because Ben is way over his time, but Ben's just like "look, health care is the only thing I know about and I'm going to talk as long as I want". Then Blitzer tried to move on and Cruz asked if he can talk for a while. Blitzer tried to stop him for a second but then just gave up and let him talk. If I had set Blitzer's beard on fire an hour ago we wouldn't be listening to Ted Cruz talk right now.
9:48PM: Cruz is now badgering Trump on health care. Rubio and Cruz are standing on either side of Trump and just hammering him on everything. It's really fun, but also instructive. Trump, for all his bluster, is a lightweight intellect who doesn't know anything about governing, and he can't actually win debates against people who do this for a living, like say, Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders.
9:51PM: Trump says he'll balance the budget by cutting waste, fraud and abuse. Candidates say that every year and it means they have no idea how to balance the budget. Nobody has ever actually balanced a budget just by cutting waste, fraud and abuse.
9:53PM: Why won't Kasich just say "No, Donald's budget plan won't work because he has no idea what he's talking about"? I've really soured on Kasich lately. If he doesn't want to win, why should I want him to win?
9:56PM: Trump says Mitt Romney's late disclosure of his tax returns cost him "bigly". Trump doesn't speak English so goodly.
9:57PM: Hugh Hewitt tried to ask Trump if he was lying when he said he'd release his tax returns. Trump responded by insulting Hugh's ratings. Rubio wisely took his time on the tax return question to talk about an actual important thing. Hugh Hewitt really wants to talk about tax returns though.
9:59PM: Cruz is talking about how Trump can't beat Hillary but Cruz can. I'm pretty sure neither of them can.
10:01PM: Trump says he's beating Cruz so badly in polls that it's embarrassing for Trump. He even brags like a seven year old.
10:04PM: Trump says it's unfair that he's being audited because his company is so big. For a guy who supposedly wins so much, he whines a lot.
10:09PM: Trump says he's a friend of Israel because he once was the grand marshal of a Israeli day parade. I once went to a St. Patrick's Day parade. Can I be ambassador to Ireland?
10:11PM: Trump made a good point about how you can't really broker peace for Israel if you're not seen as somewhat neutral. Cruz gives no fucks about that.
10:14PM: Rubio also agrees that neutrality is overrated and I guess peace is too because Rubio seems to believe it isn't possible.
10:15PM: Rubio says Trump will maybe bring condos to the Palestinian areas. Rubio brought all the zingers tonight and the crowd loves them.
10:16PM: I've always said Kasich is a sneaky hawk and now he's proving my point by talking about regime change in North Korea. I think Kasich might want to invade North Korea. That sounds like a bad plan. Blitzer asked him specifically if he would risk war for regime change and Kasich said it depends. Yikes.
10:18PM: Blitzer keeps talking about the rules but one of the rules seems to be that Trump gets to talk as long as he wants about whatever he wants whenever he raises his hand.
10:20PM: Carson was asked about North Korea and answered by complaining about how much time he's had to talk tonight. My impulse is to complain about why Ben is still here, but to be honest, I'm just happy Carly Fiorina's gone so I'll take the win and move on.
10:22PM: Ben Carson's tie tonight defies description. It's like somebody wrapped two ties around each other.
10:23PM: Apparently there's been a cease fire in Syria for about 22 hours and Trump is already sure it isn't working. Cruz at least summoned the humanity to say that he hopes it works.
10:25PM: Trump says he gave checks to George W. Bush and John Kerry in 2004. Principles!
10:26PM: Rubio says Trump is asking to be Commander in Chief. I would say he's closer to demanding it, but whatever.
10:27PM: Trump keeps saying he'll get other countries to pay us more to have our troops there. Does Trump have some kind of magic way to extract money from other countries? This is such a bizarre claim and he makes it all the time.
10:29PM: Trump just called Rubio a choke artist and Cruz a liar. They get to respond but first Kasich's going to talk a little. He just gave us a Libya geography lesson. They have a lot of desert.
10:32PM: Trump and Cruz are now arguing about whose pants are on fire. Trump also, once again, asserted that anyone who cheers for anyone but him is a lobbyist. Rubio is wisely staying out of it for a minute.
10:34PM: Ben is trying to say that his name was mentioned, I honestly don't think it was. Ben's getting a little desperate. Blitzer is useless.
10:36PM: Rubio is pretty agitated explaining what the FBI wants Apple to do. He finished by saying that Apple's brand is not more important than national security. Everybody seems to agree that Apple should do what the FBI wants them to do. I get the sense that Apple is making a slippery slope argument, and I always hate those.
10:39PM: Kasich is openly advocating for backroom deals to settle arguments about national security and privacy. I feel like that's not really what we want.
10:40PM: Question to Trump...why not build a Canada wall? I'm surprised he had the discipline to stop himself from promising to build the best Canada wall ever. He once again mentioned that his Mexico wall is going to be very tall. I'm so interested in this now. How tall is very tall? Like 100 feet? Do you think we could get Trump to build us a scale model just for fun?
Closing Statements:
Dr. Ben - Ben seemed to be plugging the movie they made about him. Let's just move on.
Kasich - Experience matters and also he recently won a poll against Hillary Clinton. Unfortunately, Republicans seem to have no interest in voting for John.
Rubio - Marco says this campaign has come a long way. It's basically March and there's still five of you. You haven't come far enough yet.
Ted - Ted promises that he'll continue to not do anything and fight against anyone who tries.
Trumpster - Trump says politicians are all talk and no action. Why is Trump completely orange except for the skin around his eyes?
OK, that's it. Super Tuesday is next week and Trump is probably going to win a bunch of states and then there's really nothing we can do about him, so that'll be fun.
Thursday, February 25, 2016
Where's Jeb?
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Are You Not Entertained?
There's a difference between ignorance and stupidity. Donald Trump is one of the most ignorant people you could imagine, but he's not a stupid guy. Trump is a fascist who's attempting to rise to power by acting like a populist. It's a very old trick, but it's a smart one because it works sometimes.
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
The Man That You Fear
This Republican primary race is hard to figure. Nobody can rationally explain how Trump still leads all the polls. Trump got himself in trouble recently by suggesting that we just stop letting muslims into the country. And by "got himself in trouble" I mean scored another week of non-stop media coverage and surged in the polls. Does Trump not allow follow-up questions? Or if you ask him a follow-up question does he just yell and make faces until you give up? How would this plan work?
For years, Trump insisted that Barack Obama was a secret muslim engaged in a lifelong plan to lie about being a muslim so he could become President of the United States and do...I don't know...whatever terrible thing Trump thinks he's going to do in the next year before he's not the President anymore. Any yet, no muslim terrorist would be cagey enough to slip past airport screeners on the lookout for muslims. Seems like a flawed plan to me.
Anyway, the part I really can't figure out is how Ted Cruz is suddenly pushing into a clear 2nd place. How is Ted Cruz the anti-Trump? How do you decide you don't like Trump and then you see Ted Cruz and you're like "sign me up!"? If Donald Trump is your problem, Ted Cruz is not the answer. If the things Donald Trump says scare you, Ted Cruz is the man that you fear.
While Trump is wildly unelectable, comically so, Cruz is vaguely electable under the right circumstances. For one thing, he at least has some experience governing. He's terrible at it, also comically so, but he's done it a little. And while Trump has the temperament of three toddlers in a man suit, Cruz has all the sociopathic tendencies of a serial killer. That might sound unelectable, but serial killers only become serial killers by luring victims into his lair or whatever.
The point is, Cruz is like Trump only worse because he actually takes this election seriously and he may just be tricky enough to get nominated. And if we have to choose between Ted Cruz and Hillary Clinton my only suggestion would be that we all hold our breath until one of these parties gives us a decent candidate to vote for. OK, let's see how long I can last tonight.
8:47PM: Tonight's debate is being moderated by Blitzer and some other CNN clowns. I'm starting with zero patience for CNN so my attitude isn't going to get any better.
8:49PM: Rand immediately attacked Trump and said boots on the ground in Syria should be Arab boots. Big pop from the crowd for Rand. Interesting.
8:50PM: Kasich says his daughter doesn't like politics because it's loud and there's a lot of yelling. I'm going to score that as two consecutive attacks on Trump.
8:52PM: Carly started off by saying "Like all of you, I'm angry". That pretty much sums Carly up.
8:53PM: Jeb started off with something about how things are under attack and Hillary is under investigation and something else is under the gun. I told you last time, Jeb loves to have fun with words.
8:54PM: Rubio apparently lived in Vegas for six years when he was a kid, and his dad smoked three cigars a day. Then he said something stupid about traditional values but still, is it possible Rubio is actually interesting? Why has he been hiding it? Tell us more about your smokey Vegas upbringing!
8:57PM: Carson started off with a moment of silence for San Bernadino victims. Then he made some tortured analogy about the country being in critical condition and excising the cancer of ISIS. Ben's campaign is like Bruce Willis in the Sixth Sense.
8:59PM: It's amazing how Trump still stands out on a stage full of egomaniacs. He immediately pointed out how he's center stage and "people like" what he says. He's like a little kid telling you how he did great at school today.
9:00PM: "I will build a wall, it'll be a great wall." I don't really have to tell you who said that, right?
9:02PM: Jeb points out that banning all muslims from the United States isn't a serious proposal and might make some of the countries in the Middle East we're hoping will fight ISIS with us a little uncomfortable about working with us. Then he called Trump a "chaos candidate". Zing! Trump responded, predictably, by insulting Jeb and Jeb's campaign and generally being a dick.
9:04PM: Question to Rubio: "You said banning all muslims is unconstitutional, but polls show a majority of Republicans support Trump's proposal...". I wish Rubio had just said that constitutional things aren't up for a majority vote, but he said some other stuff instead.
9:06PM: Cruz just quoted FDR's grandfather, but then he actually made a vaguely coherent point about the difference between radical muslim terrorists and other muslims. This is what I'm telling you about Cruz. He knows how to sound normal. He isn't.
9:08PM: Carly seems to be advocating for a new Patriot Act because the old one was written in 2001 and we need to invade the privacy of all the phones and apps and stuff that have been invented since then. She said we need to work with the private sector and she can because she knows them. I'm pretty sure these other guys know them too.
9:10PM: Chris Christie's American flag pin is shaped like New Jersey, which is just adorable.
9:11PM: Kasich says the Saudi's have a coalition of 34 countries that want to help us fight terrorists. Can we stop the debate and find out if that's true? That sounds like a good step and I feel like it's a lot more important that whatever Trump is about to say.
9:14PM: Cruz is making Rand's point about focusing on bad guys instead of having more surveillance of law abiding citizens. I imagine Rand is raising his hand pretty energetically right now but CNN doesn't care.
9:15PM: Cruz and Rubio are having an argument about which one of them is telling the truth about the USA Freedom Act. I believe Rubio. As I may have mentioned, Cruz is a sociopath.
9:17PM: Rand is casually attacking Rubio, saying that Rubio is for open borders. That was weird and seemed to come from out of nowhere. Rand got another loud cheer. The Rand people are in the house tonight.
9:19PM: Christie after a five minute argument between Rand and Marco "if your eyes are glazed over right now, this is what it's like on the floor of the Senate". I couldn't tell you why Christie isn't doing better in this race. Did MSBNC really land punches with that stupid bridge story? That can't be it.
9:21PM: Ben just complained about how much time he's been allowed to talk. That strategy literally never works. Blitzer asked Ben who was right between Rand and Marco. Ben, instead of, you know, taking a position on something, said "you'll have to ask them". Ben is terrible at this. How is he still here?
9:23PM: Blitzer asked Jeb a question that mentioned Jeb's brother. Low blow Wolfie.
9:25PM: Carly says the government is too far behind the technological curve. She's not wrong about that.
9:26PM: Question to Trump regarding his comment about "closing that internet up". Trump wants to use our most brilliant people to keep ISIS off the internet and also penetrate the internet to find where ISIS is. Does Trump think the internet is, like, a place you can go to?
9:29PM: I didn't listen to what Kasich just said because I was still trying to figure out what Trump was talking about. Now I know why Kasich can't get any traction.
9:30PM: Cruz just called 15-30 bombing missions a day "photo op foreign policy". How many bombs does Ted want to drop on Syria? Syria isn't that big. I think it's become fairly clear that we can't bomb our way out of this. Also, when asked if he would bomb civilians in Syria, the gist of Cruz's answer was yes. Sociopath.
9:32PM: Marco says you need a ground force to defeat ISIS. He's not wrong. He says you need a Sunni Arab ground force with some embedded Americans. That's also probably right, but doesn't sound likely.
9:34PM: Blitzer seems to be trying to provoke fights between Rubio and everyone else. If this was MSBNC, I'd say they were trying to make the only viable candidate look bad, but I don't think Wolf is that cagey.
9:35PM: Cruz says we need to be killing bad guys and not getting stuck in Middle Eastern civil wars. Be afraid. Ted can do this.
9:36PM: Facebook question...apparently Trump recently said we should be killing families of ISIS members. So, the Facebook guy was wondering, ya know, should we really be intentionally killing civilians? Trump, amazingly, stood behind that idea and said it would make people think twice about joining ISIS.
9:39PM: Jeb says Trump can't insult his way to the Presidency. Jeb is all over Trump right now. Trump said we will never be great again with Jeb's attitude and got booed for it. These crowds never seem to have a lot of Trump people in them. Who are the Trump people?
9:41PM: Breaking news from Ben, children don't like it when you tell them that you have to open their head up to remove a tumor. Good note from Ben,
9:42PM: The other guy who isn't Wolf asked Ben if he's willing to be as ruthless in fighting ISIS as Churchill was in fighting the nazis. Solid question. Ben said he wouldn't say ruthless, but he would be tough. Those aren't the same things though. Ruthless is the right word.
9:44PM: Rand's people explode whenever mentions the Constitution. He's like a band that has that one song everyone came to hear. Meanwhile, more boos for Trump.
9:46PM: Kasich wants a massive, American-led army to defeat ISIS. Kasich is a sneaky hawk. You wouldn't expect it because he seems kind of laid back.
9:49PM: Christie is playing the "I'm not from Washington" card pretty hard. It seems like that would work, but it doesn't work for Chris. You would think maybe it's just because Trump is getting the anti-Washington votes for now, but I can't imagine the Trump people voting for Christie. This race is a mess. Also, Christie wants to be friends with the king of Jordan.
9:51PM: Watching Ben talk about foreign policy is like watching a 6th grader try to give a memorized book report.
9:56PM: Cruz seems to be co-opting all of Rand's ideas. Now he's talking about how toppling dictators is a bad idea when the people who take over the country next are worse. Rand has to be wondering why he's not doing better. It can't be because Cruz is more likable.
9:58PM: Rubio's argument for toppling dictators is pretty coherent. If a dictator is going to go anyway, why not get involved and try to help create a stable aftermath? I'm not saying I agree, but I am saying Rubio seems to have a decent grasp on foreign policy.
10:00PM: Kasich mentioned the Saudi coalition again. Does he have secret information that nobody else has? I'm so intrigued.
10:00PM: Some guy was shouting at Trump from the audience. Trump didn't take the bait. I'm stunned.
10:01PM: Trump wishes we had the 4 or 5 trillion dollars we spent in Iraq back and that we had used it here on roads and stuff. OK so this is one of those reasons why people like Trump. He says stuff without thinking, but sometimes that means he says stuff without thinking about whether or not it fits with Republican dogma, and that lands with people.
10:03PM: Wolf asked Carson if the Middle East is better off with dictators. That's kind of an unfair question and Ben sniffed it out and said dictators are bad but we can't just fix the Middle East with bombs. Ben isn't a dumb guy.
10:05PM: Rand says "there's often variations of evil on both sides of a war". That really is the foundation of Rand's foreign policy. If we have no good choices, why bother choosing a side?
10:06PM: Cruz says all of these complicated questions are silly and we should just be defeating our enemies. Ted doesn't realize that these questions about dictators are questions about who our real enemies are and if we should be taking sides in these fights. Ted really shouldn't be President.
10:09PM: OK so we basically all agree that we have no good choices in the Middle East and the result of the Syrian civil war will be bad for us no matter how it turns out. Can we just move on to something silly like the economy or guns or something? This is depressing.
10:11PM: Quick kudos for Wolf here for not letting this debate be another episode of Trump and Friends. On the other hand, we're really beating this foreign policy stuff to death. Presidenting sometimes involves doing things in America too.
10:12PM: Would Christie shoot down a Russian plane in a no-fly zone? Damn right he would! Then he called the current President a feckless weakling. Wolf seemed stunned.
10:13PM: Rand called Christie reckless and said "if you want World War 3 I think you've found your candidate". I agree that Russia might not be cool with us shooting down their planes. Then Rand mentioned that stupid bridge story. Low blow Rand! I'm giving Rand a time-out.
10:15PM: Jeb says he knows what he doesn't know and he wouldn't get his information from "the shows" (which is apparently something Trump said he does). Get ready for some Trump insults!
10:16PM: Trump actually controlled himself and rather than attacking Jeb attacked CNN for asking Jeb about Trump, but then he said CNN just does it for ratings because he's still Trump. Jeb didn't take the olive branch and punched back at Trump some more and then we got the insults I was waiting for about Jeb's poll numbers and his spot on the stage.
10:18PM: Kasich took the opportunity to jump in and be the voice of reason. Then he mentioned the economy. Yes! Please! Something else!
10:19PM: Does being the head of surgery at a hospital qualify Carson to be the Commander in Chief? The answer is no. That's not what Ben said. Ben said our country was designed to have citizen statesmen. That's 100% true, but things are marginally more complicated now than they were in the 18th century.
10:20PM: We're going to talk about immigration now. Ugh. Part of Rubio's answer was "we will not be able to do anything on immigration...". That's really all he needs to say.
10:22PM: Cruz and Rubio have basically the same haircut, but somehow they don't really look the same. I think Ted's head is a little more oddly shaped.
10:24PM: Ted wants to secure the border. Is anyone against securing the border? I didn't think so. Can we please move on?
10:25PM: Ted says he led the fight against Marco's immigration bill. Yes, but Ted leads the fight against every bill ever because he's a legislative arsonist.
10:26PM: Every time two of these guys start fighting, Carly starts yelling about how this is why people don't like politics. What did Carly think a debate was? Sometimes people disagree.
10:27PM: People talk about Trump's hair a lot. It really isn't so weird. It's just kind of thin and an odd color. It looks like cotton candy.
10:28PM: I feel like if you talked to Jeb in person, he'd be one of those people who really struggles to make eye contact.
10:29PM: Apparently Carson visited a Syrian refugee camp recently and called it "really quite nice". He also said they need more medical care. Seems like Ben could have just stayed there and we all would have won.
10:33PM: Rand says he hasn't taken a position on sending the 2,000 Syrian refugees already in the United States home. Now would be a good time to take a position though. We're having a debate.
10:35PM: Question from Facebook...if the bible says we need to embrace those in need, how can we justify not accepting refugees? Christie's answer was basically, because the FBI says so. We've come a long way in Republican politics when the FBI trumps the bible.
10:37PM: Wolf just said we are just beginning. What? This has already been going on for two hours. I'm taking Wolf's words as a threat and quitting while I'm ahead. These debates are too long. We need to take Ben, Trump, Carly and Cruz and send them on a super secret mission somewhere until we can get this election settled.
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Tough Talk
One quick thing before we start tonight's festivities. I heard that Jeb Bush recently said he would kill baby Hitler. I really can't think of a better example of everything that's wrong with our political process and the people we have to choose from to pick a President.
Here's this guy, Jeb. He's trying to get us to elect him to a very complicated job with lots of difficult decisions. When faced with the prospect of an infant who is eventually going to grow up to kill millions of people, his first reaction is "Well, I had better get busy murdering that infant!". Given all the possible courses of action in that situation, Jeb immediately selected the least rational, most violent decision possible. Not even a thought like "Hey, I bet if we start now we could make sure that baby grows up to live a productive life instead of becoming Hitler" or "Hey, we have like 40 years to make sure Germany doesn't devolve into the kind of place that produces Hitler". Nope, just right to "Somebody fetch me my baby stabbing knife!".
This is such a perfect example of the way we've conditioned Presidential candidates to behave. All tough talk and soundbites, no actual thoughts. I understand regular people joke about using a time machine to kill Hitler all the time, but this guy is running for President. I wish he had taken the opportunity to show us that he understands world history at a higher-than-3rd-grade level. The only thing that surprises me is that he hasn't shot up in the polls. Republicans really have given up on Jeb.
Tonight's debate is being hosted by Fox Business Network. The existence of Fox Business Network has always troubled me a little. I get the conservative argument for Fox News. The media is liberal, it needs a conservative counterbalance. OK. But CNBC isn't exactly anti-business. CNBC has roughly the same relationship with big business that ESPN has with the NFL. They may try to be tough when they think nobody is looking, or when they feel like they have to, but for the most part, ESPN needs the NFL to exist, and CNBC needs big business. So what does the conservative counterbalance to a network that's already mostly in the tank for big business look like? Honestly, I've never bothered to find out, but maybe I'll get a little taste of it tonight.
9:00PM: The FBN intro just referred to Wisconsin as "the cradle of American industry". That doesn't sound right. Something about cheese seems closer to the mark.
9:02PM: Tonight's moderators are Neil Cavuto, Maria Bartiromo and Jean-Luc Picard. Neil is like a less charismatic Sean Hannity. I know that doesn't sound possible, but it is.
9:05PM: At the end of his explanation of the purpose of tonight's debate Neil paused for applause that never came. Classic.
9:06PM: Neil asked Trump if he's sympathetic to the people who want to raise the minimum wage to $15/hr. Trump said "I can't be". Not even a no, he physically can't be. Trump appears to believe that wages in America are too high.
9:08PM: Carson also opposed a higher minimum wage because he thinks it'll make jobs go away. A job that doesn't pay you enough to feed yourself seems like it isn't really worth saving, but whatever.
9:10PM: Rubio correctly pointed out that every country has rich people but the middle class is what makes America great. He neglected to mention how his buddy Reagan destroyed the middle class, I'm sure he'll get to it later. He added "we need more welders and less philosophers". Everyone knows Republicans hate thinking.
9:12PM: Kasich started out by sort of sounding a little bit like he doesn't hate the idea of raising the minimum wage. He sort of circled back to it at the end by saying that just looking the other way (away from people at the bottom) isn't acceptable. You can see why I don't hate this guy, right? I would gladly vote for Kasich over Hillary Clinton. I would also gladly vote for a cheese sandwich over Hillary Clinton, so I guess that doesn't really say much about John.
9:16PM: Why is Ted Cruz still here? Honestly. Have you noticed that Congressional Republicans keep endorsing Rubio? You know why? Because the only people who hate Cruz more than Democrats are Congressional Republicans. He's not a serious person. He's a crazy idiot. He's currently talking about locusts and Calvin Coolidge. And he still looks like a muppet.
9:19PM: Jeb is for repealing every rule that Barack Obama ever made. Yeah! That's how Presidencies work! When you replace a guy, just repeal all of his bullshit and start from scratch. Luckily, even Jeb isn't voting for Jeb at this point.
9:21PM: Picard asked Carly how she'll respond when people point out that the last two Democratic Presidents added lots of jobs while the last Republican President really didn't do much of that. Carly responded with talking points about how politicians are bad, and also her plan for a three page tax code. Carly goes in the not a serious person category. Sorry Carly, I don't like making you hang out with Ted, but you did this to yourself.
9:24PM: Rand says we should look for root causes for income inequality. His suggested root cause appears to be Democrats. And also the Fed. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Rand's ability to talk about the Fed for a solid minute doesn't make him his dad.
9:29PM: Cavuto was happy to affirm Ben's assertion that nobody ever scrutinized Barack Obama when he ran for President, because Fox. Ben says he's an honest person. I think that's probably true, but I'm still not voting for him.
9:32PM: Trump criticized Barack Obama for using executive orders. Yeah! How dare he do things he's empowered to do! Jerk!
9:33PM: Trump says walls work, just ask Israel. Glad to hear that Trump's vision for a perfect U.S./Mexico border is based on the relationship between Israel and Palestine. That sounds fun for Texas.
9:34PM: Kasich just called the argument about sending illegal immigrants home "silly" and "not an adult argument". He actually got solid applause for that. The Wisconsin crowd seems a little iffy about Trump.
9:35PM: Kasich is running the table right now. He's going to talk whenever he feels like it and you can't stop him. And Trump gets more boos than cheers every time he attacks Kasich. This is a fun group.
9:37PM: Jeb is also for not deporting 11 million people. You can see Jeb and Kasich trying to position themselves as the adults on the stage. Trump remains quite happy to play the petulant 9 year old.
9:38PM: I can't blame Rubio for staying out of the immigration conversation. One immigration bill almost destroyed his whole career.
9:39PM: Rubes keeps saying we have an outdated higher education system. Hey! I have feelings you know!
9:40PM: Cruz is for raising the retirement age as younger workers get to retirement age. Where's Huckleberry to cry about this? Was he in the JV debate? Poor Huck.
9:41PM: Cruz thinks Democrats would care more about border security if lawyers and bankers were crossing the border illegally. Following Ted's train of thought is like trying to follow...trying to follow...I really can't think of anything more erratic than Ted Cruz.
9:43PM: Carly turns every answer into an argument for her three page tax code. She also thinks we need to try the free market...THE FREE MARKET, she said angrily for some reason, for health care. We did try that, for like a really long time. It didn't work. That's how we got into this mess.
9:46PM: Carly just mentioned Scott Walker, which reminded me how funny it is that Scott didn't even make it to the Wisconsin debate.
9:46PM: Carly openly acknowledged that there are a lot of good things about Obamacare, but she still wants to repeal it because Obama.
9:51PM: Cavuto asked Carson whose tax plan God would endorse. That's obviously a perfectly reasonable question. Tell me again about how it's the liberal media who asks unfair gotcha questions.
9:53PM: Ben says people at the poverty line will get a rebate under his tax plan. Great plan for poor people, just make them wait until April to get some money, I'm sure they'll find food somewhere until then.
9:54PM: Rand says he has three different plans to balance the budget. Does that mean that if we elect him we get to pick one? That sounds fun. Put Rand back in the maybe column.
9:56PM: Ted appears to have adopted Huckleberry's 10% flat tax plan. Like most of these guys, Ted's tax cutting plan includes balancing the budget with magic.
9:58PM: Ted hates the Department of Commerce so much he'd eliminate it twice.
9:59PM: As I watch Jeb try to keep going now that he's just another guy on the stage, it occurs to me that Jeb doesn't really need this shit. I don't know how much money the Bush family has, but I would guess that it's somewhere around a lot. Jeb could easily walk away and spend his retirement sailing and time traveling to kill toddlers. If I were Jeb, I probably would have walked away a month ago and told Republicans that they can have Trump if they want him.
10:02PM: Rubio says no one is born with strong values. I think that's a really interesting argument. I've known great people raised by terrible parents, but I also get what he's saying about values being learned. I think this would be a fun chat for Marco and I to have.
10:04PM: Marco just called Rand a committed isolationist. Rand says you can't be a conservative but be liberal on military spending. Marco and Rand are actually having an substantive exchange. The moderators look nervous. Quick, somebody ask Trump a question!
10:06PM: Cruz said he wanted to offer a middle ground, which appears to be talking like a conservative while still spending on the military like a drunken sailor.
10:07PM: Carly really wants zero base budgeting. I think somebody just told her to go out there and say business stuff so people will remember that she was a CEO. She also still can't answer a question without mentioning her three page tax code.
10:08PM: Trump says we need to make our military bigger and better than ever before so nobody messes with us. Trump wants to treat the world the same way the mafia treats local business owners.
10:10PM: Republicans really hate things that have a lot of pages.
10:11PM: Trump really doesn't like China. To Trump, China is the Mexico of Asia.
10:12PM: All of Trump's China nonsense was about the TPP, which Rand pointed out does not include China. They appeared to be trying to play Rand off to commercial while he was making his point.
10:18PM: Just got some great insight into Carson's nuanced understanding of foreign policy. He seems to believe that, in general, putting American troops somewhere is better than not doing that. He also thinks we need to make jihadists look like losers. Somebody is running to be Trump's Secretary of State.
10:20PM: Maria just showed us a word cloud of issues people on Facebook want to talk about. Obviously, we're ignoring the giant "Campaign Finance" in the middle of the cloud.
10:22PM: Trump says the Iran deal is "one of the worst contracts ever signed ever in anything". Can you imagine how stressful it would be to just live around Donald Trump on a daily basis?
10:24PM: Trump says we can't continue to be the policemen of the world. Trump just made a coherent point. My brain hurts. Jeb couldn't wait to disagree.
10:25PM: Trump says Assad is a bad guy, but we have no idea who the rebels in Syria are and we shouldn't be so quick to arm them. Yet another coherent point. What's happening right now???
10:26PM: I'm on the edge of my seat waiting to hear how Carly can relate Syria to her three page tax plan. Carly's plan for Putin appears to be to annoy him by doing military stuff in countries near Russia. She would do that while going on Russian TV and saying "I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you".
10:29PM: Trump on Carly "why does she keep interrupting everybody?". There's the Trump I know. I feel better now.
10:30PM: Rand is strongly in favor of not arming ISIS. Yes, maybe don't give weapons to random people in the Middle East. I know it sounds crazy, but couldn't we try it?
10:31PM: Rubio is noticeably better at debating than the rest of these people. It's not that he's making better points, but he's better at saying stuff. He finished this point about ISIS by saying "either they win or we win". That's a pretty simplistic way of looking at things, but it's also a great soundbite.
10:33PM: Kasich, on the other hand, generally says better things than everyone else, but there's something off about his style. Kasich just went for about three straight minutes, and most of what he said made sense. I predict the Fox people will not mention his name in the post-debate discussion.
10:40PM: Jeb says he was recently in Washington, Iowa talking about how bad Washington D.C. is. Jeb loves word play.
10:41PM: Jeb is desperately trying to talk about Hillary Clinton as if he's still the front-runner. It's kind of sad.
10:42PM: These guys are talking about how they don't like the big banks, and how they're too big. It's like I've stumbled into some kind of bizarro Republican debate. Obviously, none of these guys would actually break up any banks, but all of them would love to travel back in time to make policies that would stop them from getting big. For guys who don't like science, Republicans seem to really be relying on somebody inventing time travel.
10:43PM: Carson appears to be attributing the economic success of early America to the lack of regulation. Well, that and slave labor. He left that second thing out.
10:45PM: Kasich says Wall St. has too much greed. He knows he's a Republican, right?
10:47PM: Cruz says he wouldn't bail out the big banks again (more time travel based policies) and he would prosecute criminals on Wall St. He said yes to that question, but then he just mostly talked about Washington D.C. again so I suspect when asked about it in the future he'll say he was talking about criminals in Washington.
10:50PM: Cruz also wants to go back to the gold standard. Did I mention that he's not a serious person? Sidenote, Trump would love the gold standard. Everything he owns is gold-plated, including his head.
10:52PM: Kasich just got booed because Cruz tricked him into saying he wouldn't let banks fail if it meant letting working people who put their money in the failing bank lose all their money. I think the crowd is getting a little punchy.
10:53PM: Carly doesn't understand what socialism is, but she knows she doesn't like it.
10:58PM: Maria got booed for calling Hillary Clinton's resume impressive. She was asking Rubio how he would run against someone with that kind of experience. Rubio, instead of taking some cheap shot, talked about how this election is about the future. I told you, he's good at debating.
Listen, it's 11PM and, as you may remember, I've developed a very strict not putting up with more than two hours of this shit policy, so I'm done. I'm sure the closing statements will be quite riveting.
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
Kasich/Rubio 2016!
They had another JV debate today, and I definitely didn't watch it. Listen, if you're in the JV debate the first time, that's not necessarily your fault. This is round three though. If you're still at the kiddie table now, you might want to take the hint. You are not going to be President Rick Santorum. I'm sorry man. You too Lindsay Graham. You seem like a nice guy, but this is where you get off the train. I'd like to be President, but none of us are going to be and we just need to move on.
7:55PM: During the pre-debate coverage, CNBC announced that Linsday Graham won the JV debate. That's just sad. I feel sad for him.
7:56PM: Some CNBC guy spent a couple of minutes fact-checking the claims the JV guys made about how they've cut spending/taxes/government in the past. Spoiler alert, they were all lying. Hey other networks...this is a thing you can do. You should look into it.
7:58PM: Apparently Lindsay Graham is at least a foot shorter than the other three JV guys.
8:03PM: CNBC's pre-debate round-table was a catastrophe. They constantly talked over each other. I don't think I ever heard one person just make a point and finish a sentence without someone else interrupting. It was like a meeting at a nursery school.
8:10PM: If you say the debate starts at 8, you need to start the debate at 8. I'm already tired and have a headache. I think the biggest issue with this pre-debate panel is the lack of a moderator. I think one guy is supposed to be moderating but he's decided he doesn't care.
8:15PM: CNBC's slogan for election coverage appears to be Your Money, Your Vote. In some ways, that really couldn't sum up our electoral process better.
8:16PM: Did you know weed is legal in Colorado now? CNBC does, and they won't shut the fuck up about it.
8:17PM: I don't recognize any of the three moderators I'm looking at, but one of them appears to be named John Hardwood. I assume CNBC poached him from a lucrative career in porn. Full disclosure, I don't watch a lot of CNBC.
8:19PM: The moderator who reminds me a little of Lou Diamond Phillips started out by asking the candidates what their weaknesses are. Kasich came out swinging by pointing out how ridiculous many of the policy proposals of his opponents are.
8:20PM: Five candidates in and nobody has a weakness. Ben was number six, and his attempt at a weakness was "I never saw myself as President until hundreds of thousands of people told me I needed to do it". I wish I could disconnect my ears from my brain.
8:23PM: Still no weaknesses. Man, these guys are all so awesome! Can they all be President??
8:24PM: Porn star just asked Trump if his campaign is a comic book version of a Presidential campaign. Zing! Trump's answer included "I love the Mexican people...". President Trump would make a really good movie, right?
8:27PM: These CNBC people seem to actually understand how economics works. Run Republicans! It's a trap!
8:30PM: When you listen to Kasich talk, it's hard to believe that even Republican primary voters would refuse to vote for him just because he might not be mean enough to gay people.
8:31PM: Trump says all of Kasich's success in Ohio was due to fracking and that he was personally responsible for Lehman Bros. Then he made fun of Kasich for being on the end of the stage. I still think it's possible that Trump is just doing an impression of himself.
8:34PM: Carly says the tax code has too many pages in it. Republicans complain about this a lot. This is a big and complicated country, some of the laws we need to run it might get a little complicated. Carly says the tax code should only be three pages because that's the longest it could be for a business owner to understand it. I feel like business owners should be a little insulted.
8:37PM: Rubio says he's running for President now because he can't wait and we can't afford another four years like the last eight years. That's basically the same argument Barack Obama used. It worked well for Barack and I think it might work for Rubio too. Rubes has his serious face on tonight.
8:39PM: Bush says Rubio signed up for a six year Senate term and he should do his job. Rubio says Jeb didn't complain when John McCain missed votes in the Senate to run for President, and the only reason Jeb is attacking him is because they're running for the same position and someone told Jeb he would benefit from attacking Rubio. Seriously, Marco isn't screwing around tonight.
8:41PM: Jeb was talking for a while so I went to see if it was still raining outside. It is, pretty hard too.
8:42PM: Question to Carly...why should we hire her since HP fired her? She says other tech companies did worse than HP did when she was CEO. That's true, but a pretty low bar for a Presidential candidate.
8:45PM: Cruz answered a question about the current budget deal by attacking the moderators and saying how unfair all the questions have been. Lou Diamond Phillips openly mocked him halfway through and then when Cruz was finished said "I just want the record to reflect that I asked you about the debt limit". Cruz then begged for the chance to actually give an answer and Hardwood said no. I like CNBC.
8:48PM: Rand, who I usually don't hate, is openly advocating for using the debt limit to force other people to do what he wants. He's literally making an affirmative argument for political brinkmanship. It's kind of unbelievable.
8:50PM: Christie is pretty smart. He's using every question to compare his positions to Hillary Clinton's instead of just arguing with these other fools. I don't know if it'll work for Chris, but it certainly seems like a good plan.
8:52PM: Huck thinks Christie's plan to make some necessary cuts to entitlements before they go bankrupt is punishing people who receive social security, because Huck is basically a giant child.
8:54PM: Cruz wants to privatize social security. That's not what he said, but that's what he means.
9:00PM: Trump is rambling about Atlantic City and bankruptcy, finishing with "I used the laws of the country to my benefit". That's the kind of "fuck you" attitude we need in the White House!
9:01PM: Jim Cramer is suddenly here and I'm already pretty exasperated. He yelled a question about drug company price gouging at Ben Carson. Ben somehow blamed too much regulation.
9:03PM: Cramer asked Chris if he thinks GM executives should go to jail because of the whole faulty ignition switch thing. I don't know, I had one of those, I turned out OK.
9:06PM: Carly likes to ask herself questions and then answer them. I don't like that.
9:08PM: Carly is much better than these other guys at ignoring the moderators when they try to tell her that her time is up.
9:10PM: Rubio is successfully playing the "I didn't come from money" card. He's really starting to smell like a nominee to me.
9:12PM: OK that's it. I'm declaring this nomination process over. The Republican ticket will be some combination of Kasich and Rubio. I have spoken.
9:13PM: Five seconds after I typed that Kasich proposed a constitutional amendment to require a balanced budget. Unless he also has a time machine to take him back to the 19th century, that's a terrible idea. Let's all just pretend we didn't hear it.
9:14PM: Cruz loves single moms. He'd better because we'll have a lot more of them after Ted shuts down Planned Parenthood.
9:15PM: Everything Carly says sounds vaguely angry. If I knew her in real life I would always think she was mad at me.
9:16PM: Ben says you can be perfectly fair to the gay community while also definitely not allowing them to get married. Apparently they don't teach you the meaning of "fair" in medical school.
9:17PM: Ben says he had "no relationship" with a company that he "gave a couple of speeches for". Ummm, again, Ben seems to struggle with the definitions of words.
9:24PM: Rubio is in favor of more vocational training for Americans so they can do the high paying tech jobs that currently go to immigrants on H1 visas. That's not a terrible idea.
9:26PM: Trump takes his turn complaining about the questions. Then Rubio complained about the main stream media. That's annoying but good Republican politics so I can't really blame him.
9:27PM: Rick Santelli just asked a very animated question. Can somebody settle him down a little bit? This is a debate, not a wrap party for a high school play.
9:29PM: I think I'm ready to officially give up on Rand. Just because you can talk for a full minute about the Fed doesn't make you your dad.
9:30PM: Seriously, Santelli sounds like he's doing an infomercial for debate questions. I have no idea what's going on or why he's here.
9:31PM: Ben doesn't know much, but he knows he hates regulations. Again though, we have clear evidence that Ben may not know what words mean, so who knows what he's trying to say at this point.
9:32PM: Huck likes analogies and balloons. I think he may be two six-year-olds in a man suit.
9:33PM: Huck says the economy would do better if we just cured diabetes, Alzheimer's, cancer and heart disease. Yeah! Why hasn't anyone else thought of curing those diseases? Stupid politicians, just give us the diabetes cure already!
9:37PM: Rand wants to know the rules on who gets to follow-up. He probably should have cleared that up before they went on TV.
9:38PM: Some of the other guys are taking Carly's lead on ignoring the moderators. Hardwood and Lou Diamond Phillips have lost all control. The lady in the middle, who I've learned is named Becky, seems to still have a little bit of a handle on it.
9:40PM: Kasich seems to be a big states' rights guy. This always makes me nervous. Why not just come up with one good idea instead of giving people 50 different opportunities to do something stupid.
9:44PM: Becky went to Trump's website to prove that he was lying in an earlier answer. Again, other networks, you have the internet too, you can do things like this.
9:45PM: I'm just picturing these guys trying to negotiate a settlement between Israel and Palestine and constantly complaining about the rules of the negotiation, or crying to Putin about Robert's rules of order.
9:48PM: Hardwood asked Huck if he thinks Trump has the moral authority to bring the country together. That got a boo from the crowd and I have to say, I agree with them this time. Stupid question Hardwood, go back to porn.
9:50PM: CNBC has a lot of random guest question askers. How is three not enough moderators? Coop basically handled the whole CNN debate on his own. I like these CNBC people, but why are there 6 of them?
9:54PM: Kasich is advocating for having college students do public service to help pay for college. This is an interesting idea and an important issue. Lou Diamond Phillips followed up with a question to Jeb about daily fantasy sports. I think CNBC should quit while they're ahead.
9:56PM: Christie expressed an appropriate amount of anger over the fantasy football question. I do like Christie sometimes. Now he's talking about how climate change is a real thing and mocking Hardwood at the same time. There are absolutely times when I would vote for Christie.
9:58PM: I have to say, I'm watching Christie talk and realizing that Trump has mostly faded into the background of this debate. I think we might be at the point we've all been waiting for when Trump turns into a pumpkin. My sense is he won't go quietly.
9:59PM: I think Rand Paul almost just said fuck. I really think that just almost happened.
10:03PM: Huck wanted to take another chance to say we should cure diseases. Can we just stipulate that we all would like to cure diseases?
10:05PM: Trump's economic plan is to "make a really dynamic economy". He's like a puppet who's ventriloquist has wandered off. It's just all nonsense now.
10:08PM: I have to stop listening to Ben because he doesn't know what words mean and it makes everything really confusing and a little frustrating. He was also genuinely funny, even clever, in earlier debates. He's not doing that tonight.
10:11PM: Marco is pro-mom. Not all moms, just his mom.
10:12PM: Carly wants to use zero based budgeting for the government. Way to end the debate. People need to go to sleep now.
Closing Statements
-Rand likes small government. Try to hide your surprise.
-Chris hates Washington and loves meatball sandwiches.
-Ted says he stands up against Washington. He mentioned a lot of things he failed at.
-Carly moves her head a lot when she talks. She says she will beat Hillary Clinton, possibly with her bare hands.
-Ben thanked the audience for paying attention, and didn't seem to know what to do with his hands.
-Trump says we're losers but he'll make us winners again.
-Rubio says he owes a debt to America he can never repay.
-Jeb says America is at a crossroads. He then sang that Bone Thugs N Harmony song from beginning to end. It was hauntingly beautiful.
-Huck said some words. I've completely given up on Huck.
-Kasich says America is great from the bottom up.
I think Marco and Christie did really well. Kasich was solid too, but I always think that and nobody ever agrees. See you next time.
Friday, October 9, 2015
Less is Nothing
I came into the 2016 campaign thinking of Ben Carson as one of the smart guys in the Republican field. He made a living operating on brains, which I'm given to believe is somewhat challenging. I never expected him to know things about public policy or foreign policy, having never worked in government, but I thought he'd be good at common sense things and thinking on his feet. Don't surgeons have to literally think on their feet? Shouldn't quick decisiveness be a strength for a brain surgeon? I feel like if something went wrong during my brain surgery, Dr. Ben would decide what to do about it halfway through my autopsy. He's like a glacier with glasses. But, even though it seems like Ben really REALLY thinks before he speaks, he still says things that make no sense to anyone.
In case you missed it, Ben decided he needed to go on TV and comment on the latest episode of America's longest running reality show "Lots of People Get Shot for No Particular Reason". Like Survivor, it was never really a good show, but we have no intention of cancelling it. Anyway, Ben figures that if he were ever confronted with a gunman, he would just rally everyone in the room to attack the gunman and stop him. As far as I can tell, here's how Ben's fantasy plays out:
Scene: Dr. Ben is teaching a class about brains or whatever when suddenly a guy in a black jacket busts in with an assault rifle.
Ben: Hello Sir! Do you intend to shoot all of us?
Gunman: Yes, that's the plan.
Ben: OK, can you give me a minute to rally all of these unarmed people to attack and stop you?
Gunman: Sure, that sounds fair, I'll just hang out here in the doorway for a minute.
Ben: OK everybody, out of your chairs, we're going to stop this gunman!
Student #1: Ummm, I'd really rather just sit here and maybe not get shot.
Student #2: Agreed. Your plan seems flawed since he has a gun and we're unarmed.
Student #3: Yeah, I like being alive and if I just run at the guy with the gun, he's probably going to shoot me.
Ben: NO! NO! You guys don't get it. If you all run at him, some of you will probably die, but some of you might not.
Student #2: Yeah, we're definitely not doing that.
Ben: Excuse me, Mr. Gunman. Could you give me a little more time with this? These people aren't really understanding the plan.
Gunman: Alright dude, but like, three more minutes. I really need to get started with this.
And scene.
Now, to be honest, I don't really care what Ben thinks or says because Ben isn't going to be President and I already knew that. Still, I was struck by the fact that Ben's solution to a mass shooting still involves a few innocent people dying, just not as many. I've had this same concern for a while about the standard Republican response to mass shootings (most Republicans are smart enough to at least avoid suggesting that the victims were just too cowardly to live, I thought Ben was smarter than that too).
Usually, after one of these tragedies, Republicans will go on TV to talk about it. After they get done sending thoughts and prayers, and before they get to the part where they accuse anyone talking about gun control of exploiting a tragedy for political reasons, they opine about how this all could have been prevented by a good guy with a gun. What a wonderful world it would be if we were all constantly surrounded by armed vigilantes with itchy trigger fingers. Everyone knows the best part of the old west was the constant possibility of being hit by a stray bullet. Free lead everyone!
Also, Republicans have fantasies in which they play the role of Clint Eastwood, but most people aren't capable of just shooting someone. That's why cops and military people need a lot of training, and frequently need a lot of counseling after they shoot someone. That's why every time one of these shootings happens we talk about mental illness. Killing someone is harder than Donald Trump and Carly Fiorina imagine it being, probably because they're both sociopaths.
Any time someone opens fire on a group of people, even if there's a decently trained armed citizen in the crowd, a few people are going to get shot before the gunman does. We can't shoot people before they start shooting other people unless Ben Carson is also working on a pre-crime division for the FBI (and I really hope he is, I would just like to see Rand Paul's reaction). Sometimes these things happen in movie theaters. Does a shoot-out between a crazy person and a vigilante in a dark theater really sound like a good idea to you?
While we're here, this is a little off topic, but let's quickly dispatch with another stupid argument. I've heard politicians argue that we don't talk about knife control after a stabbing. Yes, if you want to kill one person you can use almost anything you want if you're creative enough. But if you want to kill 10 people in 3 minutes before the cops get there, a knife or a hammer won't get the job done. Also, knives have other legitimate uses and guns are really only used for shooting stuff. Anyway...
I don't think we should be willing to accept "less innocent people dying" as a valid goal. That may be a realistic outcome, but I think we have to demand "zero innocent people dying" as the actual goal and work backwards from there. I'm not saying ban all guns. People already have them. I also don't want to walk through a metal detector every time I go anywhere, although I feel like that's where we might wind up and I guess I can handle that if I have to. Come to think of it, I already made a proposal http://somethingclever13.blogspot.com/2012/07/hunting-is-stupid.html
What I'm asking for is better leadership. When you're talking about innocent people dying, less is meaningless. I want a Presidential candidate with a proposal to get us to zero. Why don't we demand a higher bar for our candidates? I made this point on another topic recently. In a country of 320 million people, only one of us has to be in charge at a time. Is it too much to ask for one person with a new idea?
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
This Cable News Network Goes to 11
I'm sorry. There were two debates tonight and I just, I didn't have the patience or energy to watch the first one. To be honest, it looked pretty sad to me. It was just Jindal, Pataki, Santorum and Graham. I thought Rick could be a real guy this time around. I was wrong. I also thought Pataki might not be a terrible candidate. Wrong again. Sorry guys. I hope you enjoy appearing on cable news shows.
More importantly, how did CNN decide the numbers for these two debates? Four, and then eleven. Fox had ten in the main debate, and then everyone else in the other one. Ten makes sense. People love top ten lists. CNN went with eleven. This cable news network goes to eleven.
Tonight's debate is coming to us from the Reagan Library. It's like a Republican theme park where they go every four years to pretend that our worst President was actually our best President. He was a corporate whore with a jelly bean fetish. I don't understand why these people are so fascinated by him. It's going to be a long night, I'd better settle down.
8:10PM: This debate is airing around the world, says Jake Tapper. That's pretty embarrassing. Also, Tapper seems to be moderating this debate, along with Hugh Hewitt and Dana Bash. Didn't CNN used to have journalists? Is Tapper a journalist? I honestly don't know.
8:13PM: Huckleberry just referred to the 11 people currently on stage as "The A Team", and he's casting Trump as Mr. T. Way to relate to the young people Huck!
8:13PM: Rubio says he brought his own water because he knows California has a drought. Hilarious Rubes! People have no water to drink! LOLZ! It's funny because we're all going to die.
8:15PM: Trump says that he's made billions and billions of dollars but he made it clear that he was saying it "not in a braggadocious way". Sadly, I think Trump honestly believes that's how not bragging works.
8:16PM: Carly stared awkwardly at the camera for about three seconds before she started talking. I'm pretty sure that's the end of her campaign.
8:17PM: Kasich said hello to his kids in the introductions. Feels like the move of somebody who isn't 100% sure he'll be around for the next debate.
8:18PM: Christie directed the camera to face the audience instead of him. He's fun. Can we keep him for a little longer?
8:20PM: Tapper asked Carly if she'd be comfortable with Trump's finger on the button, she didn't answer. The correct answer is no. Trump's response was to point out that Rand Paul shouldn't be on the stage. Rand correctly pointed out the non-sequitur and called Trump sophomoric. Trump responded by saying he's never attacked Rand on his appearance even though "there's plenty of subject matter there". It's like Trump is doing a perfect Trump impression.
8:22PM: Walker..."Jake, Jake, Jake....Jake!". Tapper ignored him.
8:23PM: Trump keeps responding to questions about his temperament by attacking random people who weren't part of the question.
8:25PM: Walker (after Tapper finally called on him) about Trump: "just because he says it doesn't mean it's true". That's a good point, but in this case Trump was talking about the terrible economic job Walker has done in Wisconsin, which is 100% true, sooooo....
8:26PM: Kasich begs Tapper to get to the issues. I think John may be confused about what network he's on. Tapper followed that by asking Christie about something mean Ben Carson may or may not have said about Christie. Take that, issues!
8:30PM: Tapper is going to keep asking questions about Trump and you can't stop him. This one was about how Trump isn't bought and paid for by donors. Bush says the only donor that tried to get him to do something was Trump, who wanted casino gambling in Florida. Trump says that isn't true. One of them is lying. I'm pretty sure I know who, but I wish Tapper would try to find out.
More importantly, I love the distinction Trump is making here. He's saying all these people are whores, but he's not. Good point, Trump's more of a slut. He acts like a whore, but you don't have to pay him.
8:34PM: Huckleberry, Rubio and Cruz have literally had no opportunities to speak since the introductions. We're 25 minutes in. Tapper, with apparently no interest in hearing from all of the candidates, asks Trump another question.
8:36PM: Rubio says Putin is trying to usurp our role in the middle east. Why is that a bad thing? If you've been carrying around a bag of dog shit for 70 years and then some Russian guy shows up and tries to steal your bag of dog shit, you don't really put up much of a fight. Please Vlad, take it.
8:38PM: Carly wants to arm Jordan and the Kurds. Is the plan to try to give weapons to every single faction in the middle east and see if maybe one of them doesn't eventually wind up shooting them at us? How's that working out so far?
8:40PM: I think Ted Cruz doesn't understand that if you print out a copy of a law and rip it up, that doesn't mean it's not a law anymore. That's strange because he's supposedly a lawyer.
8:43PM: Kasich and Rand have spent the last few minutes talking about how we shouldn't make rash decisions in foreign policy. These other guys disagree, and I fear Republican primary voters will too.
8:44PM: Still nothing from Huck. Can we send someone to his podium to check out the situation over there?
8:45PM: In a huge upset, Jeb is the first person to suck up to Israel. I'm shocked.
8:48PM: Rand points out that if we had bombed the Assad regime years ago like these other people wanted to and still wish he had, ISIS would be in control of everything in Syria by now. That's a good and accurate point, and Tapper has no follow up for anyone.
8:51PM: Tapper has no control. He just said he wanted to go to Dana Bash. Kasich said no and just started talking, and then Carly called next. Tapper then moved on to Cruz and Huck, with Carly still calling next.
8:53PM: Huck says that the Supreme Court decided to redefine marriage "out of thin air". Thin air, the 14th amendment, whatever. For the record, I don't understand why they threw that county clerk lady in jail, but I also don't understand why she wasn't just fired for refusing to do her job. Kentucky's a strange place though so who knows.
8:57PM: Kasich says you can get things done without shutting down the federal government. He's getting the confused dog face from Cruz.
9:00PM: Would Chris Christie support shutting down the government over Planned Parenthood? In a touching homage to political brinkmanship, Christie says yes and says they should force the President to do what he's threatening to do.
9:02PM: Carly is very angry about Planned Parenthood. Like really really angry. Uncomfortably angry. It got her a standing ovation.
9:04PM: Trump says "I will take care of women, I respect women". Nothing in the history of Donald Trump suggests that's true, but OK.
9:07PM: Trump's response to the question about him calling Carly ugly "I think she's got a beautiful face and she's a beautiful woman". Perfect.
9:13PM: Immigration policy time. Ben Carson's casual mention of the fact that you can cut holes in fences pretty much ruins the immigration policy of everyone on the stage.
9:15PM: Tapper says we're going to Dana Bash for more about immigration. Translation: Dana's going to ask a question about something Donald Trump said about Jeb's wife being a Mexican. Journalism!
9:18PM: Apparently Trump's plan for undocumented immigrants involves moving all of them out, but then letting the great ones and the good ones come back. And also speaking English.
9:20PM: We seem to be talking about whether or not it's appropriate for Presidential candidates to answer questions in Spanish. Rubio says he gives interviews in Spanish so that people who don't speak English yet will hear directly from him and not some translator at Univision. What? What a strange reason to give.
9:22PM: When all the other guys start falling all over themselves to say how much they like and respect you, that means they have internal polling that says you can't possibly beat them. Hasta la vista Ben Carson.
9:26PM: Trump says we're the only ones stupid enough to have birthright citizenship. Yeah! Take your American exceptionalism and shove it up your ass! Stop being so stupid!
9:30PM: Every time Tapper says he's going to ask a question about an issue, he starts off with some Trump insult about another candidate that's vaguely related to that issue. Why can't he just ask Carly why her time at HP was disastrous? Why does he need a Trump quote for that?
9:32PM: Trump says Carly can't run any of his companies. I assume that's because he doesn't think she's pretty enough. Carly responds by pointing out that Trump has run four different businesses into bankruptcy. Trump mostly just laughs whenever someone brings that up.
9:34PM: Christie says construction workers couldn't care less about Trump and Carly's careers. It's not just construction workers, but I agree with his basic point.
9:35PM: Apparently Tapper's one and only rule is that if someone else mentions your name, then you get to talk for a while. You don't necessarily have to respond to what they said, or talk about the same thing they were talking about. It's like a game of hide and seek where everyone gets to hide whenever they want but nobody ever has to seek.
9:38PM: Huck is still pushing the fair tax. He properly explained it as a tax on consumption rather than on what you earn. That sounds really good, except that in practice it's incredibly regressive and just awful for working people. Rich people use a small percentage of their money to buy stuff, so a fair tax only taxes a small percentage of their money. Poor and working people use all of their money to buy stuff they need to live like food and shelter, so a consumption tax is, for them, not totally awesome.
9:41PM: Carson seems to be in favor of direct democracy, as he's referenced getting the government out of the way and letting the people make decisions multiple times. If I can make a serious point, this is why people who don't know anything about government make bad candidates. There's a huge difference between what Ben is talking about and the system of government we actually have. Ben's not a dumb guy, but government isn't his field. People who don't understand how government works (Ben, Trump, Carly) make bad candidates. If you have a broken toilet and you hire a plumber who does a crappy job, and then another plumber who does another crappy job, you don't go out and see if a bus driver can fix your toilet. You go out and find a better plumber, even though you're getting really sick of plumbers. Ben is probably smarter than a plumber, but I bet he can't fix your toilet.
9:45PM: I swear I think Kasich might actually make a decent President. I'm sure I don't agree with him on everything, but he seems pretty reasonable.
9:47PM: Carly is a whirlwind of Fox News talking points about Hillary Clinton. Smart Republicans would stop talking about Benghazi and just talk about the email thing, which is a real thing even though Democrats don't want it to be.
Apparently, this CNN debate is three hours long. I call shenanigans on that. I have an hour and a half of this in me, two hours tops. And that's on a good day, which this week has not included. I'm done with you CNN. You can't hold me hostage for three hours. Let's say Kasich won because I can always hope for a candidate that I don't hate voting for.