New Toys

The trade deadline is one of the best parts of the baseball season, so much better than the deadlines in the other sports. The combination of the deep minor league systems and the clear distinction between contenders and non-contenders creates plenty of movement and the chance for us to see good teams get some new toys to play with.

In contrast, nothing ever happens at the football deadline. The basketball deadline is OK, but nothing special (plus, the basketball deadline, for the last few years, has been less about teams getting better and more about the endless quest for cap space). And hockey, well, as I've mentioned before, hockey doesn't really appear on my TV anymore.

As a fan, it's always fun to speculate on where different guys might end up, so let's do that.

The Yankees are the best team in baseball, and some people would say that means they don't need anything. Not me. I think the Yanks need a pitcher. I feel like Dan Haren might wind up in New York, but I really don't think he's a good fit. He's a terrible second half pitcher and he'll give up a ton of homers at the stadium. I'd look for the Yankees to go outside the box a little bit. Watch for them to make a run at the Royals, for Joakim Soria or Zack Greinke, or both.

The Mets are a catastrophe. I've watched the Mets quite a bit since the all-star break, they are awful. Unfortunately, the Mets don't really have any prospects that anyone else wants, and they don't really have anywhere to put a new bat. Maybe Brett Myers goes to the Mets, he can start or pitch the 8th inning. That's probably the best they can do. I also hear the Mets have been shopping Jeff Francoeur around. Good luck with that. A power hitter who doesn't get on base and really doesn't hit home runs anymore, where do I sign up?

Sidenote: The Mets really need a new manager. Jerry Manuel is awful, AWFUL! How awful? I saw him bring Oliver Perez into a game yesterday. I rest my case. Hey, they should get Willie Randolph! Oh wait, they already fired him for no good reason. Oh well.

The Red Sox don't really have anywhere to put a new bat or a new pitcher. I'd watch for them to add to their bullpen, if they do anything. What they really need is a doctor, Boston's season has been murdered by injuries. They should trade for House, the entire cast of Scrubs or Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman.

Tampa needs a right fielder. I've heard reports about them sniffing around Philly's Jayson Werth, but I'm not buying it. I don't see the Phillies quitting on this season, so they'd need something back that can help them right now. From Tampa, that's probably James Shields or Matt Garza, and I don't see Tampa doing that. I'd probably bet on Tampa doing nothing. Too bad they can't trade for a new stadium, the Pirates have one they're barely using.

Speaking of the Phillies, I don't know what's going on there. They seem to need a bat too, but they're another team that doesn't really have anywhere to put one of those, which adds them to the list of teams looking to add a pitcher. I'm guessing Ted Lilly winds up in Philadelphia, they don't need an ace and they can get Lilly pretty cheap. Also, Lilly rhymes with Philly, so there's that.

I'm not sure the Braves need anything, they look really good, and they recently got Jason Heyward back healthy. They're pretty old at the corner infield spots, so maybe they add some insurance there. If Atlanta's really feeling froggy, watch for them to get in on Dan Haren. I wouldn't be shocked if Haren ends up in Atlanta.

The Cardinals got really jumpy around the deadline last year, hell of a lot of good it did them. This year, word is they'll have to trade top pitching prospect Shelby Miller to get anything interesting, and I'm not sure they're willing to do that. When I look at the St. Louis roster, I think they ought to be able to get it done with the guys they already have, and I think they'll come to the same conclusion.

Part of the reason I don't expect anything from St. Louis is I don't expect the Reds to do anything either. However, if the Reds make a big move, I'd expect to see St. Louis get serious again in the Oswalt/Haren discussion. If Oswalt goes anywhere, I'm betting it's St. Louis, but only after a Reds move. Actually, if I had to put money on it, I'd probably bet on Oswalt staying put. He's got a no-trade he needs to waive and a 2012 option he wants picked up, lots of moving parts there, those deals often get left on the table at the deadline.

The White Sox are my guess for the annual terrible deadline deal, overpaying for Livan Hernandez or Zach Duke seems right up Chicago's alley. Meanwhile, I don't see the Twins doing much because, well, they're the Twins. I would have said the same thing about the Tigers, but now Magglio Ordonez is hurt and I expect them to be looking for an outfield bat, maybe Jose Guillen.

I really like the Giants. Buster Posey is better than any hitter they could have traded for. If Pablo Sandoval has a good second half (I think he will) they can probably win the division. I still expect them to pick up an outfield bat. I wonder if they could get Cleveland to trade Shin-soo Choo (or as I call him, the choo choo train, all aboard!).

Don't ask me about the Padres, I still wouldn't be surprised if they finish under .500. Between them and the Mariners, I don't think I should try making picks for either western division next year. I stand by my pre-season assessment of Seattle's roster. What can I say? Baseball's crazy sometimes, and Milton Bradley's crazy all the time.

If I'm the Dodgers, I get some extra bullpen help. George Sherrill has been terrible. Also, Joe Torre has destroyed so many relief pitchers that he should have an arm surgery named after him, so they'll need someone for whenever Jonathan Broxton's shoulder explodes. Either way, unless they get Manny back healthy for the last two months, the Dodgers are heading for third place.

I don't like Colorado's chances. Ubaldo Jimenez doesn't look right anymore, and they can't win without him. They might add an outfield bat, but I bet they stay put.

Texas may be the only AL west team worth talking about, and they already made their move. I may be the last baseball fan in the world to be totally sold on Cliff Lee, but I'm sold now, Cliff Lee is the man. I don't see how the Angels catch Texas. The Angels are interesting because I could see them getting in on Oswalt or Haren, but I could also see them being sellers. Bobby Abreu would make an interesting addition to a lot of teams looking for an outfield bat.

So, to wrap up:
Oswalt - staying in Houston, or maybe going to St. Louis
Haren - Atlanta, or maybe the Yankees
Ted Lilly - Philadelphia
Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman - Boston
Jeff Francoeur - San Diego, serving drinks at a Chili's near the ballpark
Mets - Brett Myers and 81 wins.
Yankees - Zack Greinke and/or Joakim Soria
Padres - made a secret deal with the devil
Dodgers/Rockies/Angels/Brewers/Marlins/Mets/Blue Jays/Cubs - thanks for playing, see you next year.

Two Teams, One Cup

Grab your vuvuzela and let's do this!

During the pre-game, former American star Alexi Lalas picked the Netherlands and the British sounding guy picked Spain. For the tie-breaker, apparently there's an octopus somewhere that also picked Spain. I'm willing to believe that an octopus knows at least as much about soccer as an American, so I have to believe Spain is the favorite. Of course, if I'm rooting for anyone, it's the Dutch. I've liked the Dutch team ever since I saw them in the '94 world cup and decided I liked their generous use of orange in the uniform area.

The ESPN guy called the world cup "the most massive shared human experience there is". I would have gone with breathing.

Something I've noticed throughout the world cup, the players come out onto the field holding the hand of a little kid. Who are these kids? Are they the players' kids? Are they just random South African kids? Did they win a contest? I need to know these things.

Thing to like about soccer #1: No stupid pop stars singing five minute versions of the national anthems. Just an instrumental version played through the stadium PA system.

Thing to like about soccer #2: Awesome Britishy commentary. Right off the bat we get "not quite total football from the Dutch, but it could be title football". Earlier in the tournament I heard one of the commentators refer to the French team as "instantly underwhelming". These guys make American sports announcers sound like juvenile delinquents.

5th minute: A free kick for Spain almost turns into a goal, nice save by the Dutch keeper. I can't decide if soccer goalie is a great job or an awful job. They spend most of the game just sort of standing around, but every five or ten minutes they have to make a diving save in front of a giant net.

8th minute: A Spanish turnover leads to a good chance for the Dutch, but they decided it was too early to score so they just kicked the ball right at the Spanish keeper. The Spanish team seems to be in charge early.

12th minute: Two good chances for the Spanish. First led to a corner, second hit the side of the goal. Somebody should tell the Dutch the game started.

Thing to like about soccer #3: No commercials. But how do soccer fans know what kind of beer they should drink, or what brand of boner pills is best for them?

Thing to like about soccer #4: Cards. For those who are unfamiliar, if you do something especially mean to an opponent in a soccer game, the referee runs up to you and waves a yellow card in your face. If you do something even meaner, like intentionally kick a guy in the face or something, the referee waves a red card in your face and you have to leave. There's really no area of life in which this system wouldn't be both effective and entertaining.

21st minute: More excellent commentary, describing one of the Dutch players as having "great speed, dribbling skills and optimism". It's nice to have a sport in which optimism is a legitimate advantage. The Dutch see the world cup as half-full.

I've decided America should hire only British people to teach English in elementary schools. I'm glad I don't have to watch soccer again until 2014 after this game, but I don't think I can go back to American announcers.

26th minute: A Spanish player executes the 10th blatant dive of the game and wins a free vuvuzela.

27th minute: "chances are whoever wins this game will leave the world cup ranked number one in the world". I should hope so.

29th minute: A Dutch player just delivered what one of the announcers described as "a kung fu kick to the chest". Couldn't have described it better myself. The announcers agree that should have been a red card. I disagree. That was the most exciting thing that happened in the first 30 minutes of this game, the Dutch player should get a prize.

34th minute: Something really strange just happened. The Dutch won a corner kick as a result of the Spanish keeper misplaying a strange bounce. Instead of trying to score, the Dutch just gave the ball back to the Spanish. According to the announcers, it was about sportsmanship. What? These guys need a Herm Edwards pep talk about playing to win the game.

37th minute: One of the Dutch players just whiffed on a pretty good scoring chance. I'm starting to wonder if the Dutch team is high.

42nd minute: One of the Spanish players has been "troubling" the Netherlands with his "positive attitude when he gets on the ball". I'd be more troubled by a negative attitude, that can be a sign of depression.

43rd minute: Dutch player Wesley Sneijder has a pretty heated argument with the referee about the superfluous J in his name.

46th-47th minutes: Nice rally for the Dutch before the half, nothing to show for it though. Off we go to halftime, tied at nil. At least scoreless hockey games usually involved some excellent goal tending. The British guy at halftime seems to agree with my assessment, adding "we haven't seen any real football yet."

Random halftime sidenote: I'm about three 90 degree days away from hatching an evil plan to destroy the sun. I could be a super villain, I just need a mask, a lair and like 50 billion dollars.

46th minute: The Dutch get what the British announcer described as "half a chance". I can't tell if he meant that as an insult or a compliment.

54th minute: I miss the NFL.

57th minute: What percentage of soccer practice time is spent on falling down and acting hurt? Has to be at least 20% right?

62nd minute: Ayan Robben just missed a great breakaway scoring opportunity for the Dutch. That was close. I have no idea if that's how you spell his first name. I'm renaming him Christopher Robben.

69th minute: Really good chance for the Spanish. Loose ball right in front of the goal, just got there a second late and had it deflected over the net.

75th minute: The Dutch are becoming increasingly unhappy with the officiating. Why can't any sport successfully find competent referees? It can't possibly be that difficult.

77th minute: Spain almost had it there, Sergio Ramos had a free shot with a header that went right over the bar. One of the announcers said he had no excuse. I don't know, that fact that he was trying to score a goal with his head seems like a decent excuse. That doesn't look easy.

83rd minute: Christopher Robben almost had another breakaway, two defenders and the Spanish keeper eventually stopped him. One of the announcers said he should have just fallen down and maybe he would have been given a penalty kick. Sigh.

89th minute: I'm not a big fan of soccer's offsides rule. It's like hockey, only instead of a line, they just can't go past the last defender until the ball is played. It creates this floating, slightly arbitrary offsides line. This, of course, leads to lots of controversy and arguing with officials.

End of 2nd half: Still 0-0, we're headed for extra time (that's European for overtime).

If they're still tied after 30 minutes of extra time, they decide the world cup with penalty kicks. I'm not a fan of this in theory, it's like deciding the NBA finals with a slam dunk contest. In practice, however, these two teams look like they could play for five days without scoring, so I guess you have to decide the game somehow. At that point, it's either penalty kicks or a war between the two countries.

95th minute: Great chance for the Spanish, nice play by the Dutch keeper. Decent counter-attack from the Dutch, ultimately didn't go anywhere. Both teams getting a little jumpy.

98th minute: "we're coming to the halfway point of the first half of extra time." Fractions are fun.

99th minute: Another missed opportunity for the Spanish. If this were a hockey game, we would have heard the crowd yelling "shooooooooot".

104th minute: The Spanish are officially knocking on the door at this point. In other news, both of these countries still have royal families. Europe is crazy.

108th minute: Apparently calling the Netherlands "Holland" is politcally incorrect. So, I learned something today.

109th minute: Uh oh. A red card for one of the Dutch players means they have to play the last ten minutes down a man. On top of that, the Spanish get a dangerous free kick from the foul. Unfortunately, they just kicked the ball over everything.

116th minute: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAL!!!!!!!! Iniesta. 1-0 Spain. Conquered by the Spanish, now the Dutch know how the Incas felt.

The Dutch didn't have much of a chance to make a comeback, being down a man and all. One or two long shots, nothing too serious. Congrats to Spain, tough break for the Dutch. Adios soccer, we'll see you in four years.

Winners And Losers

My Brain: "Hey, we haven't written anything in while and this Lebron thing seems pretty big. You feeling up to it?"
Me: "I don't know, can you think of a good angle to come at it from?"
My Brain: "Hmmm, how about some kind of winners and losers thing?"
Me: "I don't know, that sounds kind of dumb."
My Brain: "Well if you wanted better ideas, you should have drank less in college."
Me: "Fair enough."

Loser: Jim Grey (Gray? Grey? Whatever)
I counted 14 questions before he asked Lebron where he was actually going. Fourteen. FOURTEEN!!!! I know Jim probably didn't get to decide the questions or the order of the questions, but it was live TV. Just ask the man.

Winner: Dwyane Wade
No matter how many titles they win in Miami, he'll always have one more than Lebron, it'll always be his city and we'll always say Lebron never won a title without Wade. Plus, it won't take long for Miami fans to figure out that they still want Wade taking the big shot at the end of the game, because Lebron isn't a closer. Wade gets to play alongside the most talented player in the world and still be the leader of his team. Good stuff.

Loser: The Nets and The Clippers
If you were a crazy Russian billionaire, wouldn't it make more sense for you to pay the KGB to kill the owner of a successful NBA franchise, and then buy that franchise, then it would for you to buy the Nets. Travis Outlaw? Seriously? And the Clippers? They didn't even get a sniff of any of these guys. When ESPN did their little montage of fake pictures of Lebron in different jerseys, they didn't even include the Clippers. What a disaster.

This is one of the unintended consequences of a salary cap. Once a franchise becomes a complete joke, there's almost nothing you can do to fix it, because you can't just overpay for better players they way the Mets did with Pedro Martinez and Carlos Beltran.

Winner: Kobe Bryant
The 2010-2011 Heat are essentially shaping up to be two superstars, one all-star, maybe one mid-level exception type guy and eight minimum salary stiffs. When the Lakers dismantle them in the finals next June, all the Kobe haters will have to permanently sit down and shut up.

Loser: The Knicks
I know they got Amare Stoudamire, and I actually like him more than I like Chris Bosh. Having said that, the Knicks were the first team to start gutting their roster and clearing cap space for this summer. Everyone knew they were gunning for Lebron. You can't sell me on anything less being anything other than a disappointment. This would be like getting engaged and deciding to save sex for your wedding night. Then, when your wife takes her wedding dress off in the honeymoon sweet, you realize she's actually Amare Stoudamire. Bad times.

More importantly, you can't like this from a basketball standpoint if you're the Knicks. Mike D'Antoni plus younger Amar'e plus Steve Nash never even equaled a finals appearance. Now you're telling me Mike D'Antoni plus older Amar'e with a shaky knee and a bad eye minus Steve Nash is getting you a ring. A ring you'll have to win by going through a Miami team that now has 60% of the eastern conference all-star starting line-up. Good luck with that.

Undecided: Chris Bosh
I'm still on the fence about Bosh. On one hand, he gets to go along for the ride and probably win a couple of titles. On the other hand, he gets to spend his prime being the third best player on his team. I guess if I had to choose, Bosh is a winner, because it's not like he was going anywhere on his own. He needed help, and now he's got it.

Undecided #2: The Bulls
Carlos Boozer isn't exactly Lebron James or Dwyane Wade, but they've got a pretty good young team out there in Chicago. I think they can get to the conference finals against the SuperHeat. They'll be underdogs, but it wouldn't be a shock if they pulled the upset.

Biggest Loser: Cleveland
This one's obvious, but still. What a punch to the gut, and on national TV. The first time the Heat visit Cleveland, I'd like to see the whole home crowd spend the entire game standing with their backs to the court. I wouldn't be surprised if I woke up tomorrow to the news that Cleveland had been completely abandoned.

Biggest Winner: Steven A. Smith
This whole Lebron announcement thing had no suspense for me, you know why? Because sometime last week I heard Steven A. say Lebron, Wade and Bosh were going to Miami, and it was a done deal. When Steven A. talks about basketball, I listen. After he nailed this story, Steven A. could break the story that Shaq and Kobe were reuniting to play together in Norway and I'd believe it.