It's Baseball Time Again! - AL West

I'm told the regular season has already started with Oakland and Seattle in Japan this morning.  Can we all get on the same page and agree that shit doesn't count?  I'm officially disqualifying both teams from playoff contention, which they already did to themselves when they put their rosters together.

Texas Rangers

Good News: Texas can still hit, like, really hit.  And, even though I'm not sold on a return to old form by Joe Nathan, the rest of Texas' bullpen (Adams, Uehara, Ogando) is pretty much awesome.  You don't want any of this, AL West!  You hear me!

Bad News: Texas' starting rotation leaves quite a bit to be desired.  Everyone says Yu Darvish is different, and he's better, and he's more prepared for the big leagues.  That's the same shit they said about all those other Japanese disasters.  I predict some early success followed by a couple of seasons with lots of walks and long games followed by us all forgetting who Yu Darvish was (possibly followed by the Yankees inexplicably signing him to a 3 year, $25 million contract).

Anything else we need to know?: Michael Young hit over .300 last year for the 7th time in his career.  You still can't convince me that there's any huge difference between him and Derek Jeter.  You can't, because there isn't.

Prediction: First place, ALCS...ya know, when I wrote about the Yankees last week, I honestly thought they could win the World Series.  I'm sticking with that, but Texas makes me nervous.  Great line-up, pieces to trade for an ace mid-season (if they can find one).  Yeah, I'm nervous.

Los Angeles Angels (of Los Angeles?)

Good News: You might have heard a thing or two about this Pujols fellow they signed.  He's pretty amazeballs.  They also picked up solid number 2 CJ Wilson to go with Jered Weaver, Dan Haren and Ervin Santana.  Yankee fans know you can't trust a Weaver, but the Angels can still pitch.

Bad News: Pujols' batting average has gone down each year since 2008 when hit .357.  2009 was .327, 2010 was .312, last year was .299.  That's a trend.  The power is still there.  He won't be bad, but I don't think the Angels are getting what they think they're getting.

Anything else we need to know?: I don't know why Mike Trout can't steal one of those corner outfield jobs from Vernon Wells and Torii Hunter (combined age, 69), but it probably has something to do with Trout hitting .220 in 123 at-bats last year.  Whatever, those guys are old and the Angels need what Trout can bring.  I expect to see him by June.

Prediction: Second place, and I'm saying no playoffs.

Seattle Mariners

Good News: I hear Seattle is a very nice city.  Also, Felix Hernandez is good.  Really good.  Seattle also has a lot of young guys, so that'll be fun.  I don't know if they're any good, but it'll be fun.

Bad News: Seriously though, I'm not sure too many of Seattle's young guys are good.  Justin Smoak is 25 and has a .226 career average.  Michael Saunders is a .196 career hitter in 576 at-bats.  I was young once too, it didn't mean I could hit.

Anything else we need to know?: Kudos to the Mariners for jumping on the Jesus Montero train on its way to 350 pounds.  For too long, our professional sports have discriminated against fat, unathletic guys.  No more!

Prediction: Third place, and I'm probably being nice.

Oakland Athletics

Good News: Brandon McCarthy was on the cover of ESPN the magazine last month, and it looks like he'll be in a good mood all year, because his wife is smoking hot.  Also, he may or may not be able to pitch.

Bad News: Look at Oakland's line-up.  Who are these guys?  If you wouldn't recognize your favorite baseball team if you ran into them at the airport, that's probably a bad sign.  The A's will be lucky if people recognize them as a baseball team when they're on the field.

Anything else we need to know?: Yeah.  Moneyball wasn't some genius idea.  The A's just signed a few guys with high on-base percentages while simultaneously developing multiple generations of dominant pitching.  They pitched their way to contention, it's what teams have been doing since like 1870.

Prediction: Last place.  Oakland's like Minnesota, they always seem to get me.  I really think they're going to be awful though.

It's Baseball Time Again! - AL Central

Can anyone in this division challenge Detroit? The short answer is no. The long answer is noooooooooo. The only possible challenger is Chicago, but they lost their ace, their closer, their manager and they didn't lose Adam Dunn. Minnesota can always be feisty, but they don't have anything for the Tigers.  Cleveland isn't ready yet.  We'll be able to call this division by August.

Detroit Tigers

Good News: The Tigers can hit. I mean really hit. Miguel Cabrera's lowest totals in the last three seasons are .324/30HR/103RBI. That's what you get if you make one season out of the worst of Miguel's last three. Prince Fielder might be chasing 300 pounds, but he's also a lock for at least 30 homers and an on-base percentage at or above .400. No weak spots in this line-up (even the shortstop hits more like a third baseman). Oh, and that Verlander guy is pretty good too.

Bad News: The Tigers can't catch, like, at all. Cabrera will be lucky to make opening day after he fielded a grounder with his face. The second baseman is just a converted outfielder. The shortstop really should be playing third base. The only good defensive player they have on the infield is Brandon Inge, and he'll be watching Cabrera butcher his position all year. Nothing is more infuriating for a baseball fan than watching your team botch a routine defensive play, and I predict lots of TV's flying out windows in Michigan this summer.

Anything else we need to know?: Justin Verlander has gone over 200 innings in each of the last five seasons, and he went just over 250 last year. This is either a sign that he's super durable, or that his arm is about to fall off. Durable seems more likely, but Tigers fans better keep their fingers crossed just to be sure.

Prediction: First place, but you need to be able to catch a little in the post-season.

Cleveland Indians

Good News: Shin-Soo Choo (or as I like to call him, the choo choo train) is back and should get back to hitting around .300 with 20 or so homeruns, 20 or so steals and 100 or so RBI.  Travis Hafner is back too.  Well, for now, until he gets hurt again, which he will.  I love Justin Masterson (I predict he'll finish in the top 10 in Cy Young voting this year) and the pitching staff as a whole isn't terrible.

Bad News: Everyone knows god hates Cleveland.  And even if that wasn't true (which it isn't, because even if god was real, he wouldn't give a shit about sports), the Indians have a lot of nice pieces, but they're missing the one guy who can carry them.  In contrast, Detroit has three of those guys.

Anything else we need to know?: I still believe in Ubaldo Jiminez.  Last year was really bad, and I have almost no evidence to back this up, but I think Ubaldo bounces back this year to the tune of an ERA under 3.50 and at least 15 wins.

Prediction: Second place.  I just don't think the Indians have what they need to push Detroit.

Chicago White Sox

Good News: I really don't mind Chicago's starting rotation. They don't have an ace, but they have a lot of decent arms. None of Chicago's starters would make me nervous as a White Sox fan, any of them can win any given game. As a Yankee fan who suffered through AJ Burnett last season, I know there's value in having five viable starters, none of whom are great, but none of whom are terrible.

Bad News: Gordon Beckham is 25 now, and he hit .230 last year. Alex Rios hit .227 last year. Paul Konerko is coming off two of his best three seasons ever, but he's 36 and I'm not sure he can keep it up. And then there's Dunn, who hit .159 last year in 415 at-bats. Seriously. Asking where the runs are going to come from would be an understatement. Other than Konerko, this offense is just awful.

Anything else we need to know?: White Sox fans are about to find out how boring a mediocre baseball team can be without Ozzie Guillen.  I also think Guillen, while clearly insane, may be one of the few managers in baseball who can actually effect game outcomes in a positive way.  We may find out that the White Sox are worse than we thought.

Prediction: Third place, probably can't be better, might be worse.

Minnesota Twins

Good News: Mauer and Morneau appear to be healthy and good to go.  Morneau really struggled last year, but I'm willing to give him one more year to see if he can bounce back now that he's healthy.  Josh Willingham makes a nice addition here too, they needed something from the right side.

Bad News: Life is all bad news when Carl Pavano is your opening day starter.  Carl Pavano will never be forgiven.  Do you hear me?  NEVER!

Anything else we need to know?: Matt Capps is one of the least inspiring closers in the game, and will probably lose his job to Glen Perkins by June 1st.  This will, of course, most likely result in some poor contending sap (please not the Yankees, please not the Yankees) trading for him in July and then being shocked and disappointed when he's terrible.  Sometimes I wonder if MLB GM's are allowed to watch baseball games.

Prediction: Fourth place.  I'm always sort of down on Minnesota, but this year I think I'm right.

Kansas City Royals

Good News: Lots of young talent (Hosmer, Moustakas, Lorenzo Cain) and Alex Gordon finally showed up last year.  Salvador Perez fell into the young talent category too, but he just had knee surgery.  Point is, I watched a lot of Royals games on my MLB package last summer, because they're interesting, and I'll probably watch a lot of Royals this summer too.

Bad News: Young doesn't necessarily mean they're good yet.  Also, something seems to have gone horribly wrong with Joakim Soria, and now I'm reading that he might need Tommy John surgery (again).  Their back-up closer is Jonathan Broxton, who was, of course, completely destroyed by Joe Torre. 

Anything else we need to know?: Luke Hochevar seems to be falling into the "never quite panned out" category.  And really, Kansas City's whole rotation is a concern.  Am I the only one who feels like Bruce Chen's been around forever?  Did the Braves call him up when he was 12 or something?

Prediction: Last place.  I want to believe.  I don't though.

It's Baseball Time Again! - AL East

Welcome to the best division in baseball.  What makes this division better than the NL East?  In a (made up) word, the AL East has the important quality of Metlessness.  Why am I so down on the Mets?  When the Mets had Jose Reyes, David Wright, Carlos Beltran, Johan Santana and K-Rod, they were barely a contender.  Now they have exactly one and a half of those things. 

Anyway, where was I?  Oh right, the AL East.

New York Yankees

Good News: We all know the Yankees can hit, but something about the pitching staff this season actually makes sense to me.  It's not perfect, but I really like Michael Pineda (the Yankees made a good trade, for young talent, I'm still stunned) and I'm willing to classify the bullpen in front of Rivera as "not terrible". 

Bad News: Everything about Hiroki Kuroda tells me he's a guy who will be crushed in the American League, I have no faith in him.  Also, Mariano Rivera is 42 years old.  42!  I can't find anything in his 2011 statistics to suggest a decline (K rate actually went back up, innings held steady with 2010 numbers), but seriously, he's 42.  This can't go on forever.

Anything else we need to know?: What do I have to do to convince my fellow Yankee fans that Andy Pettitte was never that great to begin with.  It seems like most fans' reaction to the news of Andy's comeback was "yeah!".  My reaction was "Why?".  And speaking of Yankees I'm not a huge fan of, Nick Swisher.  I know he puts up good numbers and always stays healthy (at least 150 games played in six straight seasons), but his at-bats are torture.

Prediction: This makes me nervous, but I think the Yankees can win the division, and the World Series.  I know, I'm a homer.  Seriously though, I think this can happen.

Boston Red Sox

Good News: Andrew Bailey is every bit as good as Jonathan Papelbon, and 100% less crazy (I think, maybe playing in Boston was what made Papelbon crazy in the first place, I guess we'll see).  Cody Ross isn't any worse than JD Drew, and comes with the added benefit of not being JD Drew.  More importantly, Carl Crawford and Kevin Youkilis have to be better than they were last year, Youk should be an MVP candidate (although I like Robinson Cano for AL MVP this year).  Plus they get Clay Buchholz back.  Lots of good news for the Sox (and they needed some).

Bad News: The bottom of Boston's rotation is kind of a mess (I love Daniel Bard as a closer and I love Alfredo Aceves as a middle/long reliever, I'm not sold on either of them as starters) .  Also, Bobby Valentine is super-overrated.  I know he once got an absolutely mediocre Mets team to a world series, but they got trounced in that series, and it was like 13 years ago. 

Anything else we need to know?: I live in Red Sox country now, which means that when the Yankees play the Sox, I only get to watch the Sox broadcast.  Booooooooo!!!!!!!!!

Prediction: Second place, wild card, not much else. 

Tampa Bay Rays

Good News: Tampa's starting rotation is going to pitch the shit out of the ball.  David Price had more strike-outs and less walks last year than he did in 2010, when he got serious Cy Young consideration.  Wade Davis should be better, Matt Moore should be awesome and James Shields seems to have figured something out.  And if any of those guys fail, Jeff Niemann is still around as the 6th starter.

Bad News: Still not a lot of offense in Tampa.  Add that to a bullpen that would be best described as "shaky", and it sounds like a recipe for a lot of late inning losses to Boston and New York.

Anything else we need to know?: Yeah, yeah.  I know Kyle Farnsworth was very good last year, but he's still Kyle Farnsworth.  Until the end of time, I will describe any bullpen which includes Kyle Farnsworth as shaky.

Prediction: Third place, the other wild card and probably a trip to the ALCS.  I think so anyway.  I honestly can't decide between the Rays and the Angels for the second AL wild card.  Tampa's a better team, but they don't get to play Seattle and Oakland as much as the Angels do.  Screw it, I'm going with Tampa.

Baltimore Orioles

Good News: Is it just me, or do the Orioles look like they can hit?  Not a ton, but some.  Right?  It may be time for a break-out year for Matt Wieters too.  Baltimore won't win a lot, but they won't be terrible either.

Bad News: Is it just me, or can the Orioles not pitch at all?  Baltimore's whole staff is a hodge podge of guys who probably aren't ready yet (Arrieta, Britton) and guys who will probably never be ready (Hammel, Chen, Tommy Hunter).  And what's going on with Brian Matusz?  This whole thing is a catastrophe.

Anything else we need to know?: Whenever I think of Baltimore, I immediately think of The Wire.  Wallace was on House this week.  Where's Wallace at?  He was in Dillon, Texas for a while, and then he was on House.  That's where Wallace is at.

Prediction: Fourth place, should be fun to watch (and hit against).

Toronto Blue Jays

Good News: Toronto is a super nice city.  It's like if you put an American city in a dishwasher, and then added the hockey hall of fame, and cool Canadian accents to all the people.   Oh, you wanted good baseball news?  Sorry, I don't have any of that.

Seriously, Any good news?: Well, I don't hate Toronto's bullpen.  I don't love it, but I don't hate it.

Bad News: Adam Lind followed a break-out 2009 by hitting .237 and .251 the next two seasons.  Jose Bautista's steroids suspension has to happen eventually (sorry, I meant to say that I'm sure he's perfectly clean, because it's totally reasonable for a 30-year-old player to suddenly become awesome at hitting, and I know this because I learned nothing from the late 90's).

Anything else we need to know?: I kinda thought Toronto stole Colby Rasmus from St. Louis, but it's starting to seem more like St. Louis knew something that Toronto (and I) didn't know.  That was actually probably more likely all along.

Prediction: Last place.  It's not that Toronto is so awful, but they aren't good and this division is.

It's Baseball Time Again! - NL West

Is it possible that the best four teams in the National League all play in the eastern division?  After fighting my way through the NL Central, I've arrived at the NL West thinking, what fresh hell is this?  At least the Central has an excuse.  They lost Pujols, and Fielder, and failed to lose the Pirates.  The West was just as bad last year.  Time to demote them to non-BCS conference.

Arizona Diamondbacks

Good News: At 24 years old, I think Justin Upton is ready to move up a level or two, and I've got him as the NL MVP this year.  Newly acquired Trevor Cahill is also 24, and may also be ready for a big year.  Arizona doesn't have a lot of anything, but they've got a little bit of everything.

Bad News: Chris Young is still a .240 career hitter.  Add Paul Goldschmidt, Aaron Hill and Miguel Montero and there are a ton of strike-outs in this line-up.  How many Justin Upton homers will be solo shots?

More Bad News: We've been down this road before.  Every time I pick the Diamondbacks they lose 90 games and make me look stupid.

Anything else we need to know?: After a fantastic 2011, some people think Ian Kennedy is ready to be the ace in Arizona for years to come.  I'm not convinced yet, but that's only because I've seen him pitch.

Prediction: First place.  And you know what? Behind Justin Upton, a solid bullpen and maybe one year of good luck with health, I'm putting Arizona in the world series.  I know what I just said about the East, but I just don't trust the Phillies in the post-season.

San Francisco Giants

Good News: Even though Jonathan Sanchez is gone, the Giants can still pitch with anybody.  Bumgarner was very good last year (3.21 ERA, almost a K per inning) and he's only 22.  Matt Cain is entering his prime now, and he was excellent last year (2.88 ERA, gave up 9 homeruns all year).  Also, Buster Posey is back, and hopefully he won't be blocking the plate this year.

Bad News: Even with Posey, the Giants still can't hit.  I'm still not sure what to make of Pablo Sandoval, and Brandon Belt looked overmatched last season when he got called up.  The guy they have penciled in at shortstop hit .204 in almost 200 at-bats last year.  I know Melky Cabrera hit .305 last season, but he's still Melky Cabrera.

Anything else we need to know?: My level of concern about Tim Lincecum remains at DEFCON 3.  I know last year was better than 2010, but his strike-out rate keeps dropping and with his size and his motion, I just keep thinking he can't keep it up forever.

Prediction: Second place, no post-season for the Giants.  I think they'll be a little better this year, but so will Arizona.

Colorado Rockies

Good News: Troy Tulowitzki can be an MVP candidate if he stays healthy (big IF), and so can Carlos Gonzalez.  Gonzalez regressed last year, but he was still pretty good (26HR, 20SB, .295 Avg) and he's only 26.  High end talent like that can keep Colorado competitive all year.

Bad News: The pitching staff seems to have gotten away from the Rockies a bit.  I like Jhoulys Chacin, but he didn't exactly pitch the lights out last year, and now he's supposed to be their number one guy?  I like Tyler Chatwood too, but he may not even make the rotation this year. Drew Pomeranz is probably a year or two away as well.  You can see hope down the road for the Rockies, but this year could get ugly.

Anything else we need to know?: Jason Giambi and Todd Helton sit together during games and reminisce about the dead ball era and what it was like facing Walter Johnson.

Prediction: Third place.  Could they make a run?  Sure.  Will they? I don't think so.

Los Angeles Dodgers

Good News: They still have Matt Kemp and Clayton Kershaw.  Kemp was all kinds of studly last year and probably should have been the MVP.  Kershaw was even better, going 21-5 with a 2.28 ERA on a team that was barely above .500.

Bad News: What's up with the rest of these guys?  Andre Either's power numbers of fallen off a cliff since 2009, but his strikeouts have stayed remarkably consistent.  Not a good combo.  I'm not sure Dee Gordon is ready for the big leagues yet.  James Loney's nearly robotic statistical consistency is nice, but it would be nicer if he was, ya know, better.

Anything else we need to know?: Anyone who cares about baseball in Los Angeles will be watching the Angels, and anyone who still cares about baseball in Brooklyn will be killing themselves after watching a Mets game.

Prediction: Fourth place.  It's hard to see this going any other way.  The Dodgers look clearly better than San Diego, but clearly worse than everyone else.

San Diego Padres

Good News: I guess the Padres can pitch a little.  Cory Luebke was solid as a starter last year, and ESPN describes Tim Stauffer as a "middle-of-the-rotation" force.  That's not awesome, but as a Yankee fan, I certainly wish we a had a couple of those last year.  Also, Huston Street should fill most of the Heath Bell void, until he gets hurt, which he will.

Bad News: So much bad news, although most of it doesn't qualify as news since everybody already knows the Padres are terrible.  But with Anthony Rizzo already somewhere else and Casey Kelly not exactly killing it in the minors, that Adrian Gonzalez trade looks like the Padres got robbed.

Anything else we need to know?: Did you know that it's still awesome to live in San Diego no matter how bad your baseball team is?  Well, Padres fans know that.

Prediction: Last place, don't get cute.  No surprises here.

It's Baseball Time Again! - NL Central

What's going on in the NL Central?  These teams all look terrible.  This stupid internet says the Cardinals won the World Series last year, but that can't be right.  I tried the internet at work, just to be sure, and all the internets agree, the defending champs live in St. Louis.  That'll teach me to stop paying attention once the Yankees lose.

St. Louis Cardinals

Bad News:  Bad news goes first for St. Louis.  Remember when the Cardinals had the best hitter in baseball for ten years?  Well, not anymore.  And remember last year when Pujols struggled a little, but Lance Berkman picked up most of the slack.  Well, Lance is 36 and there is NO WAY he hits .300 again.  But don't worry fans, they've replaced Pujols with Carlos Beltran, and Mets fans know Carlos can carry any team to a championship.  Wait, are you saying Mets fans don't know that?

Good News: Adam Wainwright is back.  Wainwright appears to be good to go for opening day.  And with St. Louis not scoring any runs, they're going to need him.  Also, the Cards added serviceable veteran lefty J.C. Romero to what already was a pretty solid bullpen. 

Anything else we need to know?: Shelby Miller is still only 21 years old, but I feel like he's been St. Louis' top prospect since I was playing little league.  Doesn't sound like we'll be seeing him this year either, but you never know with Kyle Lohse and Jake Westbrook at the bottom of the rotation. 

Prediction: Lots of 2-1 games.  But when you're playing lots of 2-1 games against this division, you're winning most of them and winning the division.  No repeat though.

Cincinnati Reds

Good News: The Reds dealt 28 year old, often injured Edinson Volquez for 24-year-old future stud Mat Latos.  Add that to Homer Bailey, who should start breaking out this year, and Ryan Madson, who is not demonstrably worse than Jonathan Papelbon and never should have been allowed to leave Philly, and the Reds can really pitch.  Also, Scott Rolen can tell all the young kids stories about his rookie season with the world champion 1976 Reds. 

Bad News: I'm not convinced the Reds can hit.  After hitting .281 in 2010 (promising improvement), Jay Bruce regressed to .256 in 2011.  The power keeps coming, but the average keeps disappointing.  Brandon Phillips is 30 now and probably is what he is (and probably isn't hitting .300 again).  Drew Stubbs is another guy who can't hit for average.  Joey Votto is a stud, the rest of this line-up has holes.  Lots of solo home runs in Cincy this season.

Anything else we need to know?: Chris Heisey hit 18 home runs in 279 at-bats last year, which translates to damn near 40 if he plays a full season.  Unfortunately, the Reds signed Ryan Ludwick for some reason.  I guess anytime you can sign a guy who is 33 years old, hit .237 last year and wasn't ever that good to begin with to clog up an outfield spot a younger guy with potential could be filling, you have to do it.

Prediction: With an extra wild card and plenty of games against Pittsburgh, Houston and the Cubs, as much as I hate this division, I think they get two playoff teams.  I hope the Reds enjoy being crushed by whoever they get in the first round of the playoffs.

Milwaukee Brewers

Good News: Ryan Braun doesn't have to miss 50 games.  Bully for Brewers fans.  Hey listen, if you're going to have an appeal process, then everybody has to live with the results.  Ryan Braun's appeal was granted, so he's not a cheater.  I guess that's easy for me to say, since I really don't give a crap about performance enhancers.  I like enhanced performances.

Bad News: While Ryan Braun can play all 162 games for the Brewers this season, Prince Fielder will be playing 0 games for the Brewers, because he doesn't play there anymore.  Corey Hart may not be ready for opening day and no, Aramis Ramirez does not count as a replacement for Fielder. 

Anything else we need to know?: Zack Greinke struck out 201 batters in 171.2 innings last season, and at 28 years old, he should be ready for a huge season.  Also, we should finally see Matt Gamel get serious playing time at first base.  Word is he can hit, but he can't catch.  Guess what?  Prince Fielder can't catch either.

Prediction: The Brewers can contend for a wild card, but I don't think they get one.  Braun can't carry this offense by himself all year.

Chicago Cubs

Good News: Theo Epstein showed up in Chicago this winter and will, I assume, make the Cubs better...someday.  It takes a few years to clean up a mess like this.  Pencil the Cubs in for the post-season around 2016.

Bad News: Is it bad news that picking the Cubs to finish 4th feels like wishful thinking?  Is is bad news that the Cubs don't seem to be able to give away Alfonso Soriano?  Is it bad news that the Cubs entire rotation is made up of cast-offs from other organizations?  All of those things are probably bad news, but if you want the really bad news about the Cubs, just take a minute to look at their roster.  It ain't pretty.

Anything else we need to know?: Starlin Castro is still a few years from his prime, Cubs fans can only hope they'll put a team around him by the time he gets there.

Predictions: Fourth place, if the Cubs are lucky.  What?  Are you saying the Cubs have some kind of well-documented, century-long history of terrible luck?  Hmmmm.  Alright, put it this way.  If the Cubs finish any better than 4th this season, I declare the curse officially over.  Baby steps.

Pittsburgh Pirates/Houston Astros

Ugh...picking between the Pirates and the Astros is like deciding if you want to die by drowning or by being shot in the face.  One of them may sound more pleasant at first, but they both suck and you end up dead either way.

Good News: These two teams play each other a bunch of times so somebody has to win those games, right?  Seriously, looking at these two rosters, the only positive I could come up with is for the Pirates.  They have a few talented young guys (Alvarez, McCutchen, Tabata).  Maybe one of them will even be good enough to get traded to the Yankees mid-season for two crappy prospects.

Bad News: AJ Burnett already successfully executed his plan of bunting stuff into his own face until he hit something and got out of starting the season with the Pirates.  When I looked at the Astros roster, I wondered for a minute if Houston was filling out their roster with fake names, the way video games sometimes do.  At least Pittsburgh should be fun to watch, Houston just looks like a mess.

Predictions: Very bad things, son.  Pittsburgh should probably be a little better than Houston.  A little.

It's Baseball Time Again! - NL East

Remember when, sometimes, I used to write stuff about sports? I don't remember that either, but my blog's archives swear it happened. Let's see if I can get through all six divisions without comparing a position battle to Mitt Romney vs. Rick Santorum.

There's something reassuring about the beginning of baseball season. Baseball isn't the best sport to watch on TV, or the best fantasy sport (football). It isn't the most fun sport to watch in person (hockey). It isn't the sport that gives you the most "holy crap! I can't believe he just did that!" moments (basketball). But there is something about baseball. It's like an old friend that comes back every spring, no matter what. It's comforting.

Let's start with the NL East, because, honestly, I can't wait any longer to make fun of the Mets.

Philadelphia Phillies

Good News: For starters, those Halladay, Lee and Hamels fellas are still pretty good. Off-season addition Jonathan Papelbon gives them a closer with a proven post-season track record, as opposed to the unproven but talented Ryan Madson. Papelbon is still hit or miss sometimes, but nobody is more hit or miss than Brad Lidge was, so the Phillies are ready for that. Phillies fans won't mind a full season of Hunter Pence, either. And Hunter won't mind a full season of Citizens Bank Park.

Bad News: This team isn't any worse than they were last year, but they aren't really that much better either, and how did last year turn out? Also, Chase Utley's brain may be 33, but the rest of his body appears to be in its mid to late 60's.

Anything else we need to know?: For those Phillies fans who have been patiently waiting for Domonic Brown, it appears you may have to keep waiting. He's 24 now. I'm starting to worry.

Prediction: The Phillies are tough for me. They're good enough to win the division, and they have the pitching to win in the post-season, and yet...for a championship or bust team, I think this year turns out to be another bust.

Washington Nationals

Good News: Stephen Strasburg is back, and the Nationals were the clear winners of Oakland's pitching fire sale (if you offered me Trevor Cahill and Andrew Bailey for Gio Gonzalez, I wouldn't take it). Jayson Werth can't be any worse than he was last year (right?). Brad Lidge (23K's in 19.1 innings after coming back from injury last year) joins Tyler Clippard and Drew Storen in what should be a serviceable bullpen, even after Lidge's shoulder explodes in mid-May.

Bad News: They're still the Nationals. There are only two kinds of people who do baseball predictions, people who pick the Nationals to win stuff, and people who get things right.

Anything else we need to know?: Bryce Harper is on the way. He should be crushing 800 foot homeruns in Washington by the end of the summer. When he gets there, we'll find out if Jayson Werth can still play centerfield, I suspect he can't. But who cares...Bryce Harper is on the way!

Prediction: The Nationals will take one of the NL wild cards, partially because they're pretty good, and partially because they get to play the Mets a bunch of times. In other news, reports from hell say the weather is getting "pretty chilly down here".

Miami Marlins

Good News: Opening day - "It's a beautiful April day here in sunny Miami, and Marlins fans are excited for what should be the team's best season in years. Miami has young power throughout its line-up, world class speed at the top of the order and a solid pitching staff anchored by the returning Josh Johnson and free agent pick-ups Mark Buehrle and veteran closer Heath Bell. Expect the Marlins to contend all the way through September this year folks!"

Bad News: Sometime around game 70 or 80 - "More bad news today for the Marlins, folks. Jose Reyes and his pulled hamstring will join Heath Bell and Josh Johnson on the DL. Bell is still reportedly at least two weeks away from throwing off a mound again, and no timetable has been set for Johnson. Reyes' absence only exacerbates the on-going Hanley Ramirez saga, as Hanley and the team still haven't talked since he demanded a trade and walked out on the team 10 days ago. In other news, still no sign of Carlos Zambrano, who hasn't been seen since he reportedly went to visit Key West on an off day in May, though he did recently send a cryptic text message to manager Ozzie Guillen which simply read 'TEQUILA!', so we know Carlos is alive."

Anything else we need to know?: Maybe changing his name to Giancarlo will result in less strike-outs for Mike "Giancarlo" Stanton, but I don't think that's actually how it works.

Prediction: As you may have guessed from my bad news synopsis, I don't see this season going particularly well for Miami, but they are talented and can probably finish around .500.

Atlanta Braves

Good News: Venters and Kimbrel potentially give Atlanta a lock-down bullpen, so they won't lose too many games when they're leading after 7. Also, I'm always sort of lukewarm on Atlanta, and I'm usually wrong.

Bad News: Atlanta's rotation worries me. I'm not sold on a May 1st return date for Tim Hudson. I'm concerned about a 25 year old future ace who already missed a chunk of one season with shoulder tendonitis (Tommy Hanson). I'm not convinced Brandon Beachy can continue striking out almost 11 batters per nine innings. I don't understand why Jair Jurrjens can't go more than six innings, or stay healthy. All of these things worry me.

Anything else we need to know?: All bets are off if Jason Heyward has the season in 2012 that we all expected in 2011. Heyward is the kind of guy who can carry an offense all by himself if he gets right and gets going. You just have to ask yourself if he's ready to do that yet.

Prediction: I say not yet for Heyward, and 4th place for Atlanta, but all four of these teams can be pretty good, and a wild card for Atlanta wouldn't shock me.

New York Mets

Good News: See, the thing about the Mets is...because, ya know...and it's just...I mean...so...yeah.

Bad News: I don't even know where to start. The fruits of what was possibly the worst minor league system in baseball over the last decade are now starting for the big league club. The Mets' most exciting prospect of the last few years (Jenrry Mejia) is coming off Tommy John surgery and probably won't pitch anywhere until August. Jason Bay is still missing in action. Johan Santana is back, and throwing in the mid-80's. I could go on.

Seriously, any good news?: Well, Mets fans will enjoy Zack Wheeler eventually, but not this year, and probably not next year either. But you know what, Mets fans? You still live in New York, which is still better than rooting for a good team and living somewhere else.

Anything else we need to know?: One of the first things I ever wrote about baseball was how I would not want to be the team paying Johan Santana big money for the second half of his career. Two years later, that remains possibly the most true thing I've ever written.

Prediction: Any story this year about the Mets winning the NL East will have to be immediately proceeded by the story about the team planes of the other four teams in this division being involved in a disastrous mid-air collision.