Sean and Soccer Save the World

Years ago, during the 2010 World Cup final http://somethingclever13.blogspot.com/2010/07/two-teams-one-cup.html, I commented that any part of life could be improved by employing the same yellow card/red card system used in soccer games.  I always meant to elaborate on that, but then we all got really into planking, and then the 2012 election happened and I just sort of forgot about it.  It's never too late to make the world a better place though, so here goes.

First of all, if you're not a soccer fan, let me briefly review how cards work in soccer (and if you are a soccer fan...ya know...why?).  If you're playing soccer and you do something mildly alarming, like accidentally kick a guy in the shin while going for the ball, or hold the back of someone's jersey so they try to get the ball but can't and it's pretty hilarious but also not allowed, then the referee may run up to you and waive a yellow card at you.  The referee will also write your name down, I've noticed.  A yellow card is basically a warning to please stop doing dickish things to your fellow soccer players or else.  Or else what?

Well, let's say you do something very alarming, like picking the ball up and spiking it onto the referee's head, or intentionally kicking a fellow soccer man directly in the testicles.  At that point, the referee (assuming his head isn't bleeding too badly) will run up to you and waive a red card in your face.  When that happens, you have to leave and no more soccering for you today.  I suppose you could go to a park down the street or something and play in a different game, but the people in the park would probably ask you why you left your original game, and you'd say you kicked someone in the genitals, and then they would probably say they don't really want to play with you.

You also get a red card if you get a second yellow card in the same game, and it seems that if you get a second yellow card in two different games in the same tournament you have to sit out the next game after that.  It seems odd that two overly aggressive attempts to steal the ball would result in the same penalty as punching a goalie in the face for no reason, but I guess it's the only way to make the yellow cards meaningful.

Clearly, this would be an excellent addition to everyday life, so the question is how do we implement it effectively?  First of all, I'm only worried about American implementation.  I can't control the rest of the world and for all I know Europe and South America already use soccer cards in everyday life, those people love soccer.  I can't force Canada to do anything, and honestly they're already so polite they may not need this.  So just America, at least for starters.

Step one is easy.  Just have the Department of the Interior mail every American citizen their cards.  I can't imagine two cards for everyone would be all that expensive, although they would need some technology in them and we'll get to that in a minute.  The technology probably rules out getting them online, although I guess we could just all use our phones.  I don't know, people like getting mail sometimes.  I've always wanted a pen pal.

This also raises the question of whether or not kids get cards.  I think we need to hash out the process and consequences a little more before we decide if we can trust kids with this responsibility, so let's put a pin in that and get back to it. 

Alright so everybody has cards, now what?  Well, I think, and some people are probably going to be a little uncomfortable with this, but I think the only way to do this correctly is for everyone to get chips implanted in their heads.  I thought about this for 30 or 45 seconds and I really can't think of a better plan.  Now before you say no, just think about a couple of things.  First of all, we're not putting chips in your brain, just in your head.  Under the skin somewhere, but outside your skull.  That's not so bad, right?  More importantly, this only works to improve the world if we all play along.  If you try to give a stranger a yellow card and they just run away and don't give you their name, the system ceases to work.  If there's a chip in your card and a chip in the stranger's head, his yellow card is immediately recorded in the card database and he can run all he wants, he still has a yellow card.

This brings us to the other piece of technology we'll be needing.  Hand held cards are good for work and grocery stores and stuff, but we would absolutely need to integrate the card system into driving.  This shouldn't be that hard.  Every car would need to be equipped with a sensor and a voice activated card system.  If you need to give another car a card while driving, you would just say "Car in front of me, yellow card" and then the car in front of you would get a yellow card.  Ideally, yellow lights would flash in his car for a minute to alert him.  This would be fun but not entirely necessary.

Whenever you get a chance, when you get home or whatever, you would just log into the database and put in the specific reasons for whatever cards you issued that day.  There has to be some review process.  We can't just have people issuing cards with no oversight.  We would need a team of card administrators reviewing all cards issued and reasons given, and either approving or disallowing them.  This leads to the next big element...valid reasons for giving a card.

You have to understand that this system isn't meant to replace our criminal justice system.  If somebody shoots you in the face or robs your house or something, they would still go to jail.  Cards are for those things that are really annoying and everybody hates you for doing, but aren't necessarily illegal.  At the same time, we can't let people use the cards to be mean or get revenge for stuff.  If you ask someone to lunch and they say no, you can't give them a yellow card.  People have the right to not have lunch with you. 

We'd start with a committee to generate a starter list of valid reasons for cards.  The committee would consist of the following people:
Me (obviously)
Neil Degrasse Tyson
Norm MacDonald
Emma Stone
Ronald Reagan's Ghost (I know, but everybody has to feel represented on the committee.  We can't have an entire country of Republicans refusing to participate in the card system)
Beyoncé or Jay-Z, but not both of them
Slash
Ian Darke (for soccer knowledge and Britishness)
Elizabeth Warren
Stephen Hawking (I know we already have a scientist, but I'm just looking for smart people, multiple scientists were bound to happen)
The Pope (not the last guy, but definitely the current guy)
Gibbs
Stephen Colbert or Jon Stewart, but again, not both of them
Ellen Page
Hemingway's Ghost (as long as we're inviting ghosts)
Morgan Freeman
Tina Fey (I'm iffy on Tina, but the committee needs more women)

I'm open to other suggestions for the committee.  It clearly needs a few more women.  I thought about Kirsten Gillebrand but we already have a Senator and the Senate already has enough power.  I would think the committee could get pretty big, maybe around 30 people. 

Once the committee generated a starter list, we could roll out the system, but we could continue to add things to the list as they come up.  Any new reason entered into the database would be reviewed by an administrator.  If the administrator saw some validity, the reason would be submitted to the committee and it would need to be approved by a 2/3 majority.  Committee members would have lifetime appointments.  When they died, the remaining members of the committee would replace them in a very secretive process that I really can't tell you about because it's a secret.

Since I'm on the committee, I can give you a quick preview of some of the things that will earn you a card...

Yellow Cards
-Driving below the speed limit on a one lane road
-Using the self check-out at the grocery store when you clearly don't know how to use the self check-out at the grocery store
-Coming into my office without commenting on the awesome art that now resides in my office
-Watching Thursday night football when your fantasy team isn't directly impacted
-Telling people you're "from New York" when you're actually from upstate New York.  North of Westchester is just meth labs and broken dreams.
-Wearing a bike helmet as an adult
-Not being willing to admit that SVU is unwatchable without Stabler
-Playing video games as an adult
-Trying to get on the subway or an elevator before other people get off
-Walking slowly on the sidewalk (New York City only)

Red Cards
-Being mean to an animal in any way that falls short of breaking the law (stinging insects do not in any way count as animals and you can be as mean to them as you want)
-Leaving a crappy tip for no good reason
-Burping loudly in public and then reacting as though you've accomplished something or done something funny.
-Day drinking after you've graduated college.  You could literally say to people "go home, you're drunk" and they would have to listen to you.  How fun would that be?

What happens when you get a card?  Yellow cards are easy.  Yellow cards are just a warning, so nothing really has to happen.  We're not doing the whole two yellow cards equals a red card thing because I think that's silly in real life, so yellow cards have no concrete consequences, you just feel shame, which should be enough.  You could even issue some joking yellow cards to friends, but we'd keep an eye on you because too many joke yellow cards would corrupt the system.  If you issued too many joke yellow cards, me or Neil would show up personally to issue you a red card and take your cards away for some indefinite period of time.  Once you were cardless, people could do whatever they wanted to you.  You don't want that.

Red cards are tough though.  Part of the efficacy of the red card is the immediacy of the impact.  You get a red card and then you leave.  There's no appeal or second opinion, you just leave.  So, ideally, if you were driving and you got a red card, your car would automatically drive you to your house and then shut off and refuse to start again for 24 hours.  In general, a red card would ban you from participating in whatever activity you were doing incorrectly for some period of time.  We'd have to figure out how we define certain activities.  If you got a red card for being a crappy tipper, would you be banned from eating for 24 hours or banned from that particular restaurant for a year?  Something else for the committee to consider.  

Anyway, I think we could only let people give red cards for pre-approved reasons.  If somebody does something you think should be a red card, but it isn't on the list, then you can't give the card.  You can give them a yellow card and suggest that the committee make the offense a red card, and then maybe it would be a red card in the future.  We'd all have to have some patience with the system at first while we worked out the kinks.  I promise it'll be worth it.

Erroneous red cards would be very bad.  If you're caught giving somebody a red card for something they didn't actually do, you would most likely have to serve significant prison time.  Same goes for ignoring a red card that has been appropriately issued to you. That's really the only way to keep people in line.  Everybody needs to respect the system or it won't work. 

Back to whether or not kids get cards.  I feel like they should.  Bad parenting isn't punished nearly enough in our society.  I think allowing kids to give red cards to their parents would really raise the bar a little bit.  Remember, you could only give red cards for pre-approved reasons, so there's a defense in place to keep kids from inappropriately using the cards against their parents.  I think for kids, instead of prison time for an erroneous red card, we would probably just have to take their cards away until they turned 18.  I think this would all work out just fine.

Once we get the system in place and we get a good working list of red card offenses, I think this is going to go really well.  The best part is, people are always complaining that Americans don't respect soccer enough, and we still won't, but now we can give those people yellow cards for complaining.

Tommy Handsome...And His Balls

Can you imagine being the first ancient Egyptian to take the hieroglyph for ball and carve it where the hieroglyph for testicle was supposed to be.  You call all your Egyptian friends and mummies over to see what you've done and they're just like "Dude, that's genius.  We have so many balls in regular life, if we make it so that balls also means testicles, that's comic gold for the next 10,000 years.  Why didn't those stupid aliens who built our pyramids think of this?"

NBC's pre-game was six and a half hours long.  Six.  And a half.  Hours.  That gives a guy a lot of time to think, and he's what I came up with.  Handsome and the Hoodie.  A new sitcom coming to ABC in the Fall.  Brady and Belichick are banned from football for being cheaters and forced to live together in a small two-bedroom apartment in a Boston suburb.  Hijinks ensue.

Brady embarks on an acting career, but can only get roles as a corpse on procedural cop dramas (cut to David Caruso whipping off his sunglasses and glibly exclaiming "looks like someone sent this handsome devil straight to hell!"  Cue The Who).  Belichick takes a job at one of the fourteen Dunkin Donuts locations within walking distance of the apartment, and constantly fights with his boss because he wants to create 91 different types of donuts so he never has to work with the same exact combination of available donut flavors more than once.

Eventually, Brady gets his big break, being cast in one of the new Star Wars movies as the galaxy's most handsome man, but he gets the flu, so Belichick has to take his place.  Belichick immediately gets cast as the new darth vader, leaving Brady to run the Dunkin Donuts.  Look for plenty of Gronk guest appearances.

Hey, did you know there's another team in this game?  It's true, they're from Seattle or Portland or somewhere rainy like that.  Sports journalists seem genuinely surprised to see them, with Cris Collinsworth inquisitively musing "Hey, who are those guys?  I thought this was just about the Patriots and football inflation levels".

6:29PM: It's nice to see Lindsay Lohan alive and speaking in full sentences.

6:30PM: Marshawn Lynch has a small Tupperware container of Skittles on the sideline.  How is he not everyone's favorite football player?

6:34PM: Jonas Gray is inactive for this game.  It's like he made a deal with satan where he could rush for 200 yards in one NFL game but then nothing good ever happens to him again.  I'd say Jonas isn't a great negotiator.

6:36PM: Seattle almost screwed themselves with a roughing the kicker penalty.  The Seahawks, as good as they are, are one of the most undisciplined teams in the NFL.  You have to wonder how good they'd be if they could just stop taking stupid penalties.

6:39PM: The crowd in Arizona is decidedly pro-Seattle.  I'm surprised by that since Arizona is in Seattle's division, but I guess people just really hate the Patriots, and while I don't personally feel that way, I sort of get it.

6:42PM: "Hey, I have an idea for a commercial! Kate Upton!"..."...and..." "No and, just Kate Upton".  "OK yeah, that's a pretty good idea".

6:44PM: Collinsworth seems mildly obsessed with Belichick's #2 pencil.  Is he taking the SATs after the game?

6:45PM: Collinsworth just referred to Kam Chancellor as "the hammer".  Kam's wife has already told him 100 times that she's not calling him that.

6:51PM: People who have been paying attention to football this year know that Seattle doesn't really rush the passer that well and it isn't that surprising that they aren't pressuring Brady too much.  Apparently Collinsworth is not a person who has been paying attention to football.

6:53PM: Brady just threw the ball right to one of Seattle's DBs.  Right to him.  Jeremy Lane got hurt at the end of the play, but it's not like he was going to have two interceptions in the game, so his job's mostly done already.  Sidenote: The NFL doesn't give a fuck about knees.  As long as you don't hit a guy in the head, you can do pretty much whatever you want.  Unless you're hitting a quarterback, then you can only hit him in a 2 inch sliver of his body between his waist and his ribs.

6:58PM: After one quarter, points for nobody.  Somebody better go deflate some footballs, the NFL does not want a 9-6 superbowl.

7:05PM: They're making a new Terminator movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger.  California voters must be so proud.

7:08PM: New England isn't really having trouble moving the ball.  They just need to not give it away this time.

7:11PM: Touchdown! Brady to LaFell.  Both of these teams make a strong argument against spending money or high draft picks on big time wide receivers.  Where are the Cowboys right now? Or the Lions?  Or the Bengals?  Or any team with a receiver that anyone ever wanted?

7:16PM: Jason Statham, The Rock and Vin Diesel star in Incoherent Grunt: The Movie.

7:18PM: Seattle's offense is a mess right now.  The look like the Jets have looked for, basically, my entire life.

7:22PM: That Nissan commercial was an awfully long walk to nowhere.  Emotionally manipulative commercials only work on me when animals are involved.  You can't get me with humans.

7:27PM: Paul McCartney is at the superbowl.  I find that disappointing for some reason.  Like he should have more important Paul McCartney things to be doing.

7:31PM: Russell Wilson just completed a pass to a guy I've literally never seen in a Seahawks game this year.  I'm pretty confident Russell Wilson could throw a football through a brick wall.

7:33PM: Touchdown Lynch!  It's nice how Seattle's offense can basically just show up whenever they feel like it and everything's still cool.

7:36PM: The commercial featuring Walter White is currently the leader in the clubhouse for me.  Commercials don't have to be so complicated.

7:39PM: The two minute warning is one of the strangest rules in any sport.  "Hey, what if we just stop the game with two minutes to go in each half" "Why?" "I don't know, just for commercials and shit."

7:44PM: First really bad penalty of the game for Seattle.  I predict many more.

7:46PM: Wait, there's a Katy Perry performance and a pointless halftime show?  How long is this halftime?  I do have to go to work at some point this week.

7:48PM: Gronkowski touchdown.  If Gronkowski wins the MVP, I'm finding a way to start a riot.  He's the worst.

7:57PM: We've had 6 seconds left in the 1st half for about 5 minutes now.  This is why people who don't really like sports wind up really hating sports instead of just feeling indifferent.

7:58PM: Seattle makes a gutsy call to throw it into the end zone with 6 seconds left instead of just settling for the field goal and it gets them 7 instead of 3.  I hope Mike McCarthy is taking serious notes.

8:01PM: Time for the superbowl halftime show, brought to you by Pepsi and boobs.  Pepsi: It's how people who don't like Coke get diabetes.  And Boobs: They're what Katy Perry does.

8:13PM: Katy Perry is wearing an outfit that defies description while riding a mechanical tiger with satanic red eyes.  Can you imagine trying to explain why this is happening in the middle of a football game to someone who just refuses to understand marketing tie-ins.

8:24PM: I'm going to give the halftime show a solid B+.  Katy Perry was perfectly watchable.  Lenny Kravitz just played his little guitar and didn't bother anyone.  Missy Elliott was a welcomed addition.  I really don't have any complaints.

8:29PM: Market research conclusion for superbowl ad agencies: People are really into dads this year.  I think the fact that Cliff Huxtable turned out to be a rapist made people appreciate their own dad's ability to not be a horrible human being.

8:32PM: I've decided I'm stopping this at the end of the 3rd quarter.  I'm tired and I've had a headache for like 8 days and nobody's going to read this anyway.  Also, according to the TV, we're all going to die from snow poisoning tomorrow so what's the point.

8:34PM: Another catch by this Matthews fellow.  Where did they find this dude?  I imagine Russell Wilson spent the last two weeks telling Pete Carroll "Hey, you know that good receiver we have?  I think we should really use him."

8:37PM: Seattle settles for a field goal and takes their first lead.  Kudos to the New England defense for hanging in there.

8:41PM: Market research note #2: Voice-overs.  People love that shit.

8:47PM: Brady throws the ball to a Seahawk again.  I'd say that one was more on Gronk than Brady, but then again, I hate Gronk, so...

8:49PM: Are we sure Chris Matthews isn't actually Calvin Johnson or Dez Bryant in a mask?  What's happening here?

8:51PM:  Russell Wilson has never been tackled.  He just slides when he feels like it.

8:54PM: Touchdown! Wilson to Baldwin.  At least most Pats fans are probably getting a day off tomorrow.

8:58PM: Just be honest Budweiser.  Your beer is shitty but it's cheap and widely available.  When you try to tell me that you work really hard at brewing it, that just makes me feel sorry for you.

9:03PM: Punt for New England with about 3 minutes left in the third quarter.  Things looking bleak for the Patriots.  Usually when one team dominates after halftime, I'm inclined to say the other guy is getting out-coached.  Hard to believe about Belichick, but...

OK I think this is probably a good stopping point.  New England looks beaten right now.  Either they're going to make a big comeback which I'll want to pay attention to, or they'll continue to suck and I'll want to make fun of them, and I have to live here.  Enjoy the 4th quarter.

Argentina v. Zee Germans

-Well, the big rabbit gets fucked, doesn't it?
--...proper fucked?
-Yeah, Tommy.  Before zee Germans get there.

Welcome to the World Cup final.  I'm disappointed to not see the Dutch today.  They're just so very orange.  But, sadly, that's just the way soccer goes sometimes.  Fun fact about Holland: the password to every computer in Holland is ruud_van_nistelrooy.

At least the Americans aren't in the final.  Just imagine how annoying you people would be if they were.  Two extra weeks of hearing about how this time is going to be the time that soccer becomes popular in America.  We never learn.  No time will ever be the time that soccer becomes popular in America.  You know why?  Because we have better sports.  It's not a knock on soccer, it's just the reality.  We have like 10 different options that are better than MLS.  We just do.  The Premier League is fantastic, you should watch it sometime, you'd love it.  MLS sucks, and I don't see that changing.  I love football, but I don't watch the CFL.  You know why?  Because it's silly and pointless, just like MLS.

It's just about time to get started, and I assume we're all rooting for Germany, right?  Listen, Germany is only good at two things, soccer and apocalyptic genocide.  I think it's in all of our best interests to keep them happy about soccer.  Poland, if Argentina wins this game, you'd better start running.

I just found out that last time these two teams met in the World Cup final, Germany (then West Germany, so that's fun) won the match on a "debatable late penalty".  As far as I can tell, every penalty kick ever awarded in the history of soccer can be described as "debatable".

I have two of the same observations I had four years ago, and they both bear repeating.  First of all, I love how the World Cup does the national anthems.  No pop singers, no nonsense, just poor quality recordings through the stadium PA, which the crowd is happy to sing along with.  It's perfect.  And second, seriously, WHO ARE THESE LITTLE KIDS WHO COME OUT ON THE FIELD WITH THE PLAYERS??  Why are they there?  It's the strangest sports custom I've ever seen.  Why?  Why soccer??

1st minute: Argentina are wearing a shade of blue I don't believe I've ever seen before.  It's marvelous.

3rd minute: A German player gets casually bumped and falls down like he's been shot.  Free kick to Germany.  Germany kicks the ball directly into a wall of Argentinians.  Argentines?  People from Argentina.

4th minute: Argentina just had a really good chance, but the announcers didn't really react.  They need to get warmed up.  Not a criticism, by the way.  I wish Ian Darke could do every sporting event in the world, and narrate my life.

8th minute: Messi just did some stuff Ian described as "a little alarming" for Germany.  Messi, apparently, is very good at soccer and Ian gets very excited whenever he touches the ball.

10th minute: "A bright start" for Argentina.  The consensus seems to be that the Brazilian fans would rather Argentina not win a World Cup on Brazil's home turf, but honestly, it's kind of hard to tell who the crowd is rooting for.  I'm hearing a lot of chanting and they're cheering for basically everything that happens.

13th minute: "A lovely looking cross" for the Germans, but nothing to show for it.

15th minute: Argentina has a fantastic four up front.  Not the fantastic four, just a fantastic four.

16th minute: According to the advertising on the side of the pitch (I used a soccer word!), McDonald's has a gol! app, which I assume you can use to eat McDonald's every day for a year and then never play soccer again because you have diabetes.

17th minute: Some poor German guy just took a shoulder to the head.  He tried to get up and then fell back down again.  He's going to need a minute.

19th minute: As far as I can tell, Germany are playing a man down until they figure out whether or not that guy has a concussion.  That seems like a bad game plan.  Soccer is weird.

21st minute: A German turnover just resulted in "a glorious chance" for Argentina, but they kicked the ball "way, way, way wide".

22nd minute: Ian and his buddy are still mocking how far wide the Argentinian player kicked the ball.  They think Messi would have nailed it.  In other news, concussion guy is apparently fine and back in the game.

Fun soccer fact: Every time a team gets a free kick against Germany and they form a wall 10 yards away from the kick, the other team is required by FIFA rules to have at least one player on their bench make a Berlin wall joke.

28th minute: Germany almost scored on a ball which both announcers described as lovely, but they were offside.  I hate soccer's offside rule as much as I hate anything in sports.  There's no offside line, you just can't run behind the last defender until the ball has been kicked to you.  They're basically punishing players for being faster and smarter than their opponents.  I hate it.  Just paint an offside line on the field.  How hard is that?

29th minute: A German player with an incredibly German name just got the first yellow card of the game for barely running into someone.

30th minute: Argentina just scored, but not really because they were offside.  Ugh.

31st minute: Germany's concussion guy just fell down again, so after 10 minutes of letting him play with a concussion, the Germans finally decided he should probably just sit the rest of this one out.  The announcers are correctly hammering the Germans for letting him play.

33rd minute: Ian and his buddy are openly mocking a dive taken by an Argentinian player.  So even soccer people can see this.  The NHL fixed this problem, why can't FIFA?

34th minute: A German player just tried to kick an Argentinian player in the testicles.  He got a yellow card.  Ian added "that's yellow plus".  Damn straight.

36th minute: Messi almost did a thing, but the Germans stopped him.  That led to a corner kick which, like most corner kicks, led to nothing.

37th minute: Really fun sequence here.  Right after Argentina's failed corner kick, Germany charged down the pitch (soccer!) and had an excellent scoring chance.  Then, just for fun, one of the Argentinian players chased the ball over to the corner and fell over the little flag in the corner kick spot.  It was pretty funny but Ian and the other guy both missed it.

40th minute: Argentina almost scored again.  They had two guys with the ball behind the German keeper, but the German defenders handled it with precision and grim determination, as all Germans handle all things.

43rd minute: Ian calls his announcing buddy Macca.  Seriously, there's nothing I wouldn't watch if these two guys were doing commentary.

47th minute: Germany just knocked a header right off the goal post.  Then Muller tried to score on the rebound, and he failed, but he was offside either way.  Ugh.

Quick re-cap of a recent board meeting at the ABC network:
Suit #1: We have a great idea for a show.  We'll get an academy award winning actress to star in a show with a really catchy title, we're thinking "How to Get Away with Murder".
Suit #2: Oh I like it, will the plot of the actual show need to make sense?
Suit #1: No, I don't think so.
Suit #2: OK awesome, let's do it.

One thing the World Cup and the Tour de France have in common is awesome Britishy commentary.  If you're looking for sports to watch in July, I highly recommend the Tour de France.  It's mesmerizing.  It shouldn't be, you literally couldn't pay me to watch any other cycling race, but I can't look away from the Tour de France.

Fun soccer fact: There's a guy on the Brazilian team named Fred.  Just Fred.  I know the Brazilians are known for just using one name, but it's usually something fancy like Pele or Ronaldo.  It takes a lot of balls to have this conversation:
Equipment Manager: What name should we put on your jersey?
Fred: Fred
Equipment Manager: Yeah, but Fred what?  What's your last name?
Fred: Nah dog, just Fred.

47th minute: Messi just barely missed the net.  I'm starting to get worried that this game might involve extra time.  If I get a vote, I vote no thank you.

51st minute: Ian just called Messi "the little magician".  I'd love to know how Messi feels about that.  Magician sounds complementary, but guys generally don't like being called little.  It's a real mixed bag.

55th minute: Ian just mentioned extra time and I'm getting increasingly nervous about it.

57th minute: The German keeper and an Argentinian player just had a mid-air collision.  It was awesome.  The Argentinian player is still down and, on top of that, he was called for a foul for viciously assaulting the German keeper's leg with his neck.

59th minute: Klose just almost scored a goal for Germany with his head.  Which reminds me, I'm shocked American parents haven't forced children's soccer leagues to make the players wear helmets.  Doesn't that seem like something American parents would do?  It's certainly stupid enough for them.

64th minute: Another yellow card for, I don't know, something.

65th minute: And another one.  I have very little grasp on what constitutes a yellow cardable offense.  I know someone has to fall down.  That's all I know.

70th minute: I just learned that the World Cup trophy has "no specific value" but FIFA says it's "worth as much as the Mona Lisa, in it's way".  Umm, what?

72nd minute: This is the part of the game when both teams get pretty tired, which leads to lots of fouls and cards and stuff, and not a lot of action.  This brings me to another question.  Soccer's substitution rules.  They make no sense to me.  Soccer people are always bitching about what a work out playing a game of soccer is.  I don't believe them, but let's say that's true.  Why so restrictive with the substitution rules?  You only get three all game.  Wouldn't games be better if the best players could get a little rest like every other team sport allows?

Fun Germany fact: There are no fun Germany facts.  There's nothing fun about Germany.

80th minute: Germany just did a bunch of things right around Argentina's goal, but nothing came of it.  Lots of passing and almost shooting.  Soccer teams are a lot like hockey teams with bad power play units.  You just keep wishing they'd shoot.

82nd minute: Germany are starting to look a little punchy.  Argentina are currently looking pretty tired.  Somebody get them some orange slices.

84th minute: Ian just said Brazil did a good job preparing for the World Cup.  I mean, yeah, except for that thing that collapsed and killed a few people.  But hey, if you want to make an omelet...right?

85th minute: I could go for an omelet right now.

86th minute: The Argentinian player who just came out ran 9.71km in about 85 minutes.  You could briskly walk that distance in 85 minutes.  Tell me again why soccer is supposedly so hard.  Is it because sometimes they have to kick a thing.  That doesn't seem that hard.

93rd minute: Extra time.  Why soccer, why?  If you're not familiar, extra time is two 15-minute periods, and no sudden death, which I continue to find puzzling for such a low scoring sport.  Then, if no one scores (and usually no one does) they go to penalty kicks.  I've said this before and I'll say it again, deciding the World Cup with penalty kicks is like deciding the NBA finals with a slam dunk contest.  It makes no sense.

91st minute: The Germans just had a fantastic chance.  The Argentinian keeper just earned his money.  I think.  Do they get paid for this?  Maybe not.  Well, he earned his whatever it is he gets for this.

93rd minute: The Germans are really good at getting back on defense.  It looks like Argentina have a break with numbers, and then five Germans just sort of show up.

96th minute: The Brazilian crowd appears to be attending a theme party.  The theme?  Silly hats.

97th minute: Excellent chance for Argentina.  The player sort of chipped the ball over the German keeper, but then also past the net.

99th minute: These keepers routinely punt the ball 70+ yards.  It led me to wonder why 30 of them aren't punters for NFL teams, but I think Europe pays soccer keepers more than America pays punters.

103rd minute: This is getting terrible.  A few days ago Germany soccered the shit out of Brazil.  Today they can't even score once.  If both teams agree, can we just do penalty kicks now?

105th minute: There's a German player on the ground.  He got kicked in the shin and fell on his arm, and now he's holding his face for some reason.

106th minute: For the record, Ian and Macca both completely agree with me about deciding the World Cup with penalty kicks, so there.

109th minute: A German player just got punched in the face, unintentionally I guess, so it's not worth a yellow card.  He's bleeding quite a bit though.  Most of the other yellow card things today seemed unintentional too.  I'm still pretty confused.

110th minute: Two guys just smacked their heads together.  Accidental as well, according to Macca.

113th minute: The Germans are all over the referee right now.

113th minute: Ian just described somebody as "full of running" and then GOALLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!! 1-0 Germany!  Scored by "Super" Mario Gotze (apparently pronounced Gertza).  That just sort of happened, nice play.

115th minute: Shots of Argentinian children crying in the crowd.  Why do you hate children Germany?

116th minute: According to Ian and Macca, scoring the equalizer for Argentina is 100% Messi's responsibility.  So he's the Lebron of Argentina, is what I'm hearing (obligatory Lebron reference completed, just in time too).

119th minute: Let's just say Ian and Macca don't love Argentina's chances right now.

122nd minute: Free kick for Messi.  Not a big deal.  Just one chance to kick the ball into the net from about 30 yards away to prevent his entire country from being crushed.  He literally kicked the ball 15 feet over the net.  Macca described it as "slightly selfish".  Macca is pretty catty sometimes.

Well, there you have it.  Germany wins.  Poland can rest easy, for now.  Adios soccer!  See you in 2018, in Russia, because FIFA.

Why Are You So Bad At Your Job?

I've been thinking about this for a while and game 6 of the NBA finals was sort of a tipping point for me.  First, Tony Parker clearly got pushed when he tried to make a game winning shot at the end of regulation.  He also flopped, but still, he was fouled first.  Then, Manu Ginobili got mauled by more than one Miami player on his way to attempting a lay-up near the end of overtime.  Manu also took about 4 steps.  Neither one of those things drew a whistle.  Then Danny Green got tackled by Chris Bosh while trying to make a game tying three at the buzzer.  Van Gundy commented that he was OK with the no call but "is that a foul in the first 46 minutes of the game? Definitely!".  That's not how rules work Jeff!

Quick sidenote on the NBA finals.  I guess I'm rooting for the Spurs, but I kind of don't like either of these teams and I feel like neither outcome will save me from a summer of having to hear about Lebron all the time, so I mostly don't care who wins. 

Anyway, back to the point...why is it so hard to find competent officiating for major professional sports?  It's an honest question.  I sometimes feel like the NBA is secretly only allowed to recruit referees from prisons that are full of prisoners whose crimes somehow related to their complete inability to understand the rules of basketball.

Before we get to actual sports though, a quick honorable mention for soccer.  We'll talk about the NBA more in a little bit and when we do, just remember that flopping started in soccer.  Soccer referees throughout the world were so incompetent at discerning the difference between an actual foul and a flop that flopping became something of a soccer tradition, like 0-0 ties or standing around and not doing anything while the game is actually happening.  The influx of European players to the NBA was immediately accompanied by the advent of NBA flopping (I'm looking at you Vlade Divac).  There's no excuse for American referees to be just as useless as European soccer referees, but still, like most things, some of this is all soccer's fault.

Let's start with the NHL because, as usual, hockey is better than everything else.  I honestly can't remember the last time I walked away from a hockey game thinking that the officials had influenced the outcome of the game in any real way.  Hockey officials are the exception that prove the rule.  You could read this and say I just hate all referees, and you could be right, except you're not, because I don't hate hockey refs.

To be fair, there's definitely some built in advantage here.  Most hockey calls are relatively subjective and the NHL has taken concrete action in the rules to avoid flopping and exaggerating to get calls.  Also, most hockey commentators are Canadian, so they're generally pretty nice abooot stuff and they don't kill the refs too much even when they do miss a call. 

Hockey officials also get extra bonus points because A) if you count each skate individually, hockey players are carrying three deadly weapons at all times and B) hockey officials have to know how to skate, making them the only officials I can think of who actually have a skill. 

One more important point here.  Since, when you grow up, you learn that none of your dreams actually come true, I don't live in Canada.  Our syrupy neighbors to the north take hockey at least as seriously as we take football, and I imagine that if I were to walk into a Winnipeg sports bar in January I'd hear Canadians using their awesome accents to politely complain about all the bad calls in last night's Jets game.  So maybe it's all just a matter of perspective. 

Speaking of football, the NFL is sort of a mixed bag.  On one hand, I feel like there's been a disputable or debatable call on every football play I've ever seen.  The NFL provides a constant stream of questionable officiating, and I'm not sure I've ever fully agreed with a call in an NFL game. 

But the thing is, I'm not sure I've ever fully disagreed with a call in an NFL game either.  Officiating football is really hard.  Take a look at the basic situation for NFL refs:
-Players basically assault each other on every play and it's perfectly legal...
-except for the quarterback, who has like one square foot of area where you're allowed to touch him.  -I'm not sure if anybody in the world is 100% clear on when you're allowed to hit a receiver.
-Commentators constantly point out that there's holding on every play, which seems true enough, but you obviously can't call it on every play. 
-The rules change slightly every time someone gets another concussion.
-And there are all these complicated extra rules about eligible receivers and things happening down-field and whatnot. 

It's a lot, is what I'm saying.  Watching a group of guys try to properly officiate an NFL game is a lot like watching your dog try to work the microwave.  He's not going to get it right, but it's not really his fault either.  Plus it's football, so it's not like we're going to stop watching, so who really cares.

Now we come to baseball and this is where I start to get annoyed.  Baseball umpires have the easiest job I could possibly imagine.  First of all, most baseball rules were written 150 years ago.  People were less creative back then, so you have really simple rules like "if the ball beats the runner to first base, the runner is out" or "if a fielder catches the ball before it hits the ground, the batter is out" or "women aren't allowed to vote", etc. 

Secondly, if baseball were moving any slower, the games would be happening in reverse.  Baseball umpires are the only officials I can think of that literally never have to worry about watching more than one thing at the same time, and that's because there are four of them (six in the post-season) and there's almost never more than one thing happening at the same time.  Unlike other sports, baseball doesn't really have things happening off the ball that the officials have to worry about.

So, to recap, the job of a baseball umpire can be summed up as "watching the shiny ball and describing what happens around it".  And yet, way too many baseball umpires are just terrible at it.  I honestly feel like you could train four smart horses to umpire a baseball game and you wouldn't necessarily notice the difference in call quality.  I'm also 100% sure baseball umpires could be 100% replaced by some well placed sensors, a locator chip in the ball and a computer.  Why haven't we done this yet?

Finally, we come to the NBA.  Why is every basketball game I watch an officiating catastrophe?  I don't even know where to start.  You get two steps when you pick up your dribble.  TWO!  Can NBA referees not count to three?  I could replace NBA refs with the smartest kids in a nursery school and get better calls on traveling violations.

And the blocking/charging calls.  I know, that's not so easy, but still.  If you put me in a room where I couldn't see the game and just told me whenever there was a blocking/charging call situation and I just flipped a coin to decide which one to call, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between my results and the results we get from NBA refs.  You know I'm right about that.

And the flopping.  So much flopping, so easy to fix.  Just stop making the calls.  Next time a defender dives to the ground like he was shot trying to draw a charge, don't call a charge, or a block.  Just let them keep playing so the offense gets two points because one of the guys on defense is rolling around on the floor like a moron. 

And then there's Lebron.  Yes, Lebron gets his own paragraph because watching NBA referees officiate Lebron is one of the most frustrating things I've ever seen in sports.  Every time Lebron goes to the basket he uses his off hand to clear out his defender (which is super effective for him, because he might be the strongest person in the history of everything).  Not only does he never get called for this, but half the time the defender gets called for a foul for viciously assaulting Lebron's left elbow with his face.  I sometimes think NBA referees all have a secret memo from David Stern which reads, in part, "Our research shows that people like watching Lebron score, so if you see anyone trying to stop him from doing that, just call them for something, we don't really care what". 

You know why people can't stop spinning conspiracy theories about the NBA using officials to manipulate games and playoff series results?  It's because people watching are just trying to think of a plausible explanation for how the officiating could be so consistently awful.  And the most frustrating part is, we never get an explanation.  Why are referees the only people in the world who never have to be accountable for their job performance?  Why don't they have to do a press conference at the end of the game like coaches and players do?  Just once, I'd like to see a reporter get to raise his hand in a press room and ask the lead official of an NBA crew "Why are you so bad at your job?" 

Boston Convert

As I'm writing this I'm getting ready for game 2 of the Rangers/Bruins series.  First of all, if you aren't watching the hockey playoffs, honestly, what's wrong with you?  Whatever you're doing instead just isn't nearly as important.

Anyway, as I've tried to figure out who I'm rooting for in this series, I've come to a shocking revelation about myself.  I think I'm becoming a Boston sports fan.  True story.  It seems ridiculous to just switch all rooting interests to a whole new town, but let's go through it one by one.

The Celtics are the easiest one.  I've always been a Celtics fan, except for that brief period in the 90's when there were only two basketball fan identities (Bulls fan or Bulls hater) and I was a Bulls fan.  My parents were never that into sports (except for my mom and the Rangers, and we'll get to them in a minute), so I inherited a lot of my rooting interests from my grandmother.  Because the Celtics are implicitly Irish, we rooted for Boston.

Sidenote: In hindsight, there also might be something to the fact that, in the 80's, the Celtics pretty much cornered the market on white basketball players.  Really...Bird, McHale, Ainge, Walton.  It's like a who's who of useful or better NBA white guys.  I don't know, I didn't really give that a lot of thought when I was 7.

In terms of hockey, I grew up an Islanders fan.  My grandparents live like 10 minutes from the Nassau Coliseum, and back when I was like 0-3 years old, the Isles were winning four straight Stanley Cups.  So that's a pretty formative experience.  A few years ago I disowned the Islanders because of their many many uniform transgressions.  Since then, I assume in response to my outrage, they went back to the classic uniform scheme and I've been back on board.  But, they're moving to Brooklyn soon.

I'm sorry, I'm not rooting for a hockey team from Brooklyn.  Especially after they change their name to the Hipsters or the Skinny Jeans or whatever and incorporate irony into their new uniforms.  No thank you.  Plus, I'm from Queens, I don't want to root for Brooklyn anyway.

And the Rangers and Devils?  Come on.  Listen, the Rangers suck.  And the Devils, they're even worse.  I had a girlfriend in college who loved the Devils, and even when someone I loved loved the Devils, I still fucking hated them.  They are perpetually unwatchable.  The uniforms are awful, and even though they don't play like they did in the 90's anymore, I can't watch them without seeing that awful neutral zone trap.  Boooooo!!!!!!!!!

Meanwhile, the Bruins have great uniforms, aren't from Brooklyn and aren't planning to randomly move to some other part of Boston just for fun.  I like the Bruins and I'm not having a hard time seeing myself getting on board with being a fan.  I mean, just look at Zdeno Chara.  He's like an angry giant on skates. Who doesn't want to root for an angry giant?  Also, they have a goalie named Tuukka.  Tuukka!  Come on, he has an extra K.  Everyone knows K is the best letter.  At least it is in Finland, or Sweden, or Denmark or wherever the fuck Tuukka is from.

Football is pretty easy too.  I've always kind of hated the New York football teams, and I haven't really kept that a secret.  In my football watching life I've bounced around from the Houston Oilers (until they moved) to the Tampa Bay Bucs (until they got new uniforms) to just being a fan of the NFL Redzone network (because it's seriously fucking awesome).  I can settle in with the Patriots.  I already have a Patriots jersey (although it hasn't been worn since September, and even then not by me, and the story of how I became the owner of a Patriots jersey is interesting, somewhat embarrassing, has very little to do with being a Patriots fan, and I'm not quite ready to tell it yet).

Oh, and did I mention the New York football teams are actually from New Jersey?  Yeah, that's a real thing.

Honestly, I'm not even sure why people have favorite football teams anymore.  It's like having a favorite character on a sit-com.  It's just a TV show.  When I watch How I Met Your Mother, I don't root for Marshall, I just enjoy the show.  I feel like having a strong rooting interest might ruin football for me, but I've never had one before, so I'm open to trying it.

But then there's the Yankees.  I grew up a Yankee fan.  I've always been a Yankee fan.  The '96 World Series was awesome.  And so were the other three they won when I was in college.  But the last one, honestly, the thrill just wasn't there anymore.  I've said this before.  Being a Yankee fan is exhausting.  Yankee fans only have two emotions, terrible disappointment when the Yankees don't win the World Series, and what could best be described as relief when they do.  To be honest, I can't remember the last time I enjoyed a Yankee game.  In some ways, my Yankee fandom has become like a bad relationship that I'm just too much of a wimp to get out of.

Speaking of bad relationships, I can't really imagine what it's like to be a Red Sox fan.  I'm not 100% sure it would really be more fun, but I'm 100% sure it wouldn't be less fun.  Typical relationship dilemma.  Stay with something familiar, or go try something new that isn't necessarily any better and just leaves you feeling like an idiot.  As you can probably tell from the fact that I'm going to die alone, I'm not very good at this.

Some other valid reasons to switch to Boston fandom:

- I live in Massachusetts now, so there are always Boston teams on my TV.  I mean, I could just watch and root against them.  That's essentially what I did with the Red Sox my first year here, but, to be honest, that wasn't a lot of fun.

- Boston girls are almost exclusively awesome.  New York girls are, frankly, kind of a mixed bag.  Don't make that face at me!  You know I'm right.  You've seen Sex and the City.  So if you're in a bar with half Boston girls and half New York girls, which side of the bar would you rather have a common rooting interest with?  Yeah, me too.  I've also found that Boston girls are significantly more likely to be into sports, so there's a better chance of them being in the bar to begin with.

- Aerosmith is from Boston.  And so are the Mighty Mighty Bosstones.  Who's from New York?  LL Cool J and The Ramones?  Similar question.  If you got invited to watch a game and hang out with famous music people, who would you pick?  Dicky Barrett and Steven Tyler or LL Cool J and whichever Ramone is still alive?  Again, yeah, me too.

Look, to be honest, I'm not sure if I can go through with the full conversion.  I'm still stuck on the Red Sox thing.  That's not an easy switch.  But I've already decided that I'm not buying the MLB extra innings package this season, the Yankees just aren't worth $40 a month to me anymore.  So I suppose I'll watch a summer of Sox baseball and see how I feel in September.  I'll keep you posted.

Untitled Lance Armstrong Thing

OK, I can't think of a title for this post and I'm tired of trying.  I'm going to start reading A Farewell to Arms again soon, maybe it'll help inspire me.  Anyway...

Did you hear that Lance Armstrong supposedly confessed his use of performance enhancers to Oprah?  That's right! The worst kept secret in the history of sports, the shocking truth that you've already pretty much known for ten years, will be revealed on a channel you probably couldn't find on your TV even if you wanted to.  Get excited!

I'll be honest and say that I've never really liked Lance.  He always seemed like kind of a tool.  And you couldn't even call him a tool because people would be like "hey jerk! look at all that money he raised for cancer", and then you feel shame.  But I'm on Lance's side here.  Let's be clear about what happened.

First, Lance got cancer and everyone said he was going to die.  Then, instead of dying, he won the Tour de France seven times.  Then, he raised half a billion dollars for cancer research.  That's billion with a B, as in, holy fucking shit that guy raised half a Billion dollars for cancer research! And now, we're about to find out that he cheated at riding his bike.

And now I'm supposed to think he's a bad guy and he betrayed everyone and fuck him?  Are you fucking kidding me?  They couldn't even give away some of his Tour de France titles because all the other guys were cheating too.  You try to ride your bike around the alps without drugs sometime and see how it goes.  Do you want to be buried in Europe or would you like us to fly your body back to the States?

I heard a guy on ESPN today compare Armstrong to Joe Paterno.  Seriously?  Joe Paterno employed a guy who sexually assaulted children right under his nose.  I heard a guy on the radio today compare Armstrong to OJ Simpson.  OJ SIMPSON!!! OJ Simpson murdered two people!  Lance Armstrong cheated at bike riding.  What the fuck is wrong with you morons?

(Yes, I admit that, outside of New York, sports talk radio is always awful.  Sometimes, on the ride home, I listen to this crazy Jesus freak just for laughs, or sometimes I just listen to static.  They're both better than listening to local sports radio talk about minor league basketball and high school golf.  So it's not the best example of what people might actually be saying.  But still, morons.)

Yes, Lance is a bully and kind of a dick, just like every other great athlete you've ever met.  But he didn't steal our money.  Let me ask you something?  Did you give money to the Lance Armstrong Foundation because you think French cycling is awesome and you have to support any charity associated with it, or because you thought maybe it would be nice to cure cancer?  It's a simple question.  If we find out Lance was using the Foundation money to buy steroids, then he stole your money.  Otherwise, shut the fuck up please.

OK, yes, there's some anger here that should be rightly directed at gun nuts and Congress people who won't give money to Sandy victims.  And I'll deal with them as soon as I can write one complete sentence about either group without using the word fuck.  But for now this is the best I can do.

If you want to hate Lance Armstrong, that's OK with me.  I never really liked him to begin with.  But don't sit there and tell me he betrayed everyone, or that you thought he was a great guy until just now.  You gave him money for cancer research and he used it on cancer research.  If you were inspired by him, it was because he beat cancer.  He still did that, it wasn't a magic trick.  Would he have been significantly less inspirational to people with cancer if he had decided not to use performance enhancers and finished 9th in the Tour de France seven times.  I highly doubt it.  It sounds to me like we all got the deal we were promised.

Cooperstown

Of the four major sports, baseball is the one most rooted and invested in its own history.  Yes, there are still four major sports, three makes no sense.  We just have to pick a new fourth with hockey off the map now.  I don't know what it is though.  MMA?  English soccer? Real world/road rules challenges?  I'm willing to try anything other than American soccer, minor league anything or tennis, but I honestly don't know what to choose. Anyway...

Baseball needs its history more than any other sport.  Without 120 years of history to bullshit about, how would anyone sit through an entire baseball game?  That's why baseball protects and highlights its history so much.  That's why, if a real sense of history is what you're looking for, the baseball Hall of Fame beats all the others hands down.  Sure, the hockey Hall of Fame is great...and in Canada!  But for history, you want Cooperstown over Toronto.  Trust me.

This is why the baseball Hall of Fame selection process takes on more importance than the process does in other sports.  The football Hall of Fame process is just silly nonsense, and the basketball Hall of Fame may or may not actually exist, but nobody cares either way.  The hockey Hall of Fame is fun, but I can't say I care that much about who's in there.  Baseball's different though.  Even as my interest in watching the sport slowly fades away, I still care about who goes in the Hall.

This year is a big year for Cooperstown.  Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens and Sammy Sosa are all on the ballot for the first time.  If we had never heard the word steroids, they'd all be first-ballot hall-of-famers.  But oh, have we heard the word steroids.  Constantly.  For like 10 years now.  I stopped being interested about 9 years and 11 months ago, but still we hear it.  Mark McGwire has been on the ballot for years now, and he's still not in.  It doesn't look like he's ever getting in, and I'm OK with that.  All he did was hit homeruns and be annoying.  If there's one thing that's perfectly fair to say about steroids era players, it's that 500 homeruns doesn't get you into the Hall anymore. 

I'm also OK with Sammy Sosa not getting in, for the same reason, and because he was almost as annoying as McGwire.  I'm perfectly comfortable walking into the Hall one day and not seeing any trace of McGwire and Sosa.  In fact, I'd prefer it. 

I'm sort of on the fence about Roger Clemens.  If you assume that Clemens started with the steroids when he got to Toronto, and I think that's a pretty fair assumption, I think he winds up being a close call.  If you just look at Clemens' career between 1984 and 1996, he accumulated 192 wins, 3 Cy Young awards and one MVP as a pitcher.  Without the steroids, he probably pitches until about 2001, gets somewhere in the 250 wins range and probably still signs with the Yankees at some point and gets his ring. 

That Roger Clemens is still a close call, right?  In 20 years, 250 wins will be the new 300 wins.  We'll look at 300 wins the same way we look at hitting .400.  Not totally impossible, but really really improbable.  Plus Clemens is the second best right-handed pitcher since Walter Johnson retired (clearly behind Greg Maddox and waaay ahead of the insanely overrated Nolan Ryan). 

On the other hand, Clemens clearly cheated and also seems like kind of a dick.  I feel the same way about Clemens as I do about Pete Rose.  Objectively, it seems like a glaring omission from baseball's Hall of Fame.  Subjectively, I sort of don't care.  If you were asking me as some sort of responsible baseball historian, I'd say you have to put him in.  If you're asking me as a fan, I'd say I won't miss him when I visit.

Then there's Barry Bonds.  Let says Bonds' first steroids aided year was 2000, which I think makes the most sense.  That was the height of the Sosa/McGwire circus and Bonds was coming off a year during which he missed about 60 games due to injury.  I've always fully believed the story that Bonds didn't start cheating until he saw the press and recognition the cheaters were getting and decided to get in on that action, so 2000 makes the most sense to me.

So, if you just look at Bonds from 1986 to 1999, here's what you get.  445 homeruns, 460 stolen bases, 3 MVPs (and four more top five finishes), 8 gold gloves and being single-handedly responsible for people actually caring about baseball in Pittsburgh for a few years.  There's five 30/30 seasons in there and one 40/40 season.  Bonds' speed and power combination so far surpassed anyone before him that, not only is he the only member of the 500/500 club, but he's the only member of the 400/400 club, something which he accomplished prior to 2000.  No one else has ever done that.  Not Mays, not Mantle, not Frank Robinson or Hank Aaron, not Griffey Jr. or anyone else from Bonds' own era, not even the cheaters. 

I know Bonds wasn't a great guy, and most of the hate that comes in his direction is his own fault.  I know he cheated and I know that the baseball Hall of Fame voters are some of the most sanctimonious people you'll ever find.  I also know Bonds never won a ring. 

But here are some other things I know.  I know baseball hasn't been relevant in Pittsburgh since Bonds left, and I know when he did leave, he rejuvenated baseball in San Francisco.  I know Bonds made Bobby Bonilla and Jeff Kent all-stars, and Mets fans can tell you that both of those guys sucked without him.  I really do believe that Bonds would have stayed clean if baseball had done its job when McGwire and Sosa suddenly turned into twin incredible hulks.  I think his career would have turned out a lot like Ken Griffey Jr.'s.  Maybe not quite as statistically eye-popping, but still amazing and clearly Hall worthy. 

Next time I go to Cooperstown, and I will be back someday, I need Barry Bonds to be there.  You can give him an asterisk or put up a weird sign about steroids if you want, but he needs to be in there somewhere.  The baseball Hall of Fame can go on without these other guys, but without Barry Bonds, it's just incomplete.

Binders Full of Women And (More) Things I Don't Care About

I've mentioned this before, but there are still a great many things in this world about which I do not care.  Now, to be fair, I'm not exactly the model for caring about stuff.  At any given time in my life, there are a few things and/or people that I care about very much, and everything else can pretty much go fuck itself.  So, I wouldn't suggest that everybody should not care about the same things I don't care about, but there are some things that make me wonder why anybody would care about them.  Like...

The superbowl halftime show.  I'm done with this, OK?  Beyonce is great, and maybe she'll bring her husband and that would be even better.  And maybe he'll bring some people he's worked with in the past.  I'm not saying I won't enjoy the Beyonce/Jay-Z/Rihanna/Eminem halftime show, I'm just saying I don't care.  My superbowl Sunday wouldn't really be any worse if they had just decided to dig up another bunch of fossils to throw on the stage. 

You know why?  Because you know what always sucks no matter how good the artist is?  A fifteen minute concert in front of a crowd that may or may not even like the performer because that's not what they came to see.  Especially since halftime is the best time for the crowd to go pee and get more beer and a nacho refill.  Even when The Who played it wasn't really that good, and they've been practicing ever since they played the halftime show at the Civil War (which was also terrible and caused President Lincoln to quickly declare "Christ this is awful, can we just get back to killing each other?").

Speaking of sports, I don't care about any summer sport once football starts.  Seriously.  Baseball, NASCAR, golf, whatever else i forced myself to watch all summer in the gap between hockey and football; please stop.  All of you need to have your championships in late August or on Labor Day weekend and then you need to shut up and watch football like the rest of us. 

If you don't care that nobody is watching, then just think about your poor athletes.  Baseball players have to spend three hours every Sunday in September playing baseball instead of watching football.  NASCAR drivers don't get to watch football until some time in November.  Don't those leagues feel bad about that?  They should.

I don't care if Lance Armstrong cheated.  First of all, seriously, who gives a shit?  He cheated in a French bicycle race.  Read that last sentence a few times and ask yourself what part of that should matter to anyone.  I never liked Lance Armstrong that much anyway, but hasn't he raised like eleventy billion dollars for cancer research?  But now fuck him because he was the one guy in cycling who was taking performance-enhancing drugs, except for, ya know, EVERY OTHER FUCKING PERSON IN THE SPORT!?! 

The chances of a Tour de France winner eventually getting stripped of the title for using performance enhancers are basically the same as the chances of everything that John Calipari does at Kentucky eventually being vacated for recruiting violations.  Like 98%.  Cycling is a perfect example of why sports really need to think twice and make sure they really want to know what's going on before they start with a testing program.  But somehow Lance Armstrong is now a big evil man.  I don't understand people sometimes.

I still don't care about reality TV.  I mentioned this last time http://somethingclever13.blogspot.com/2009/12/things-i-dont-care-about.html but it's only getting worse.  The Learning Channel used to air legit valuable television about science and stuff.  Now it's amish people in New York City and honey boo boo.  When I was a kid, the Real World San Francisco was the best thing I'd ever seen on TV, and it's been all downhill from there for reality TV.  Where's Puck when you need him? 

The bigger point is, by replacing actual, valuable, educational TV, reality shows on channels like TLC are, literally, making us dumber.  To paraphrase; honey boo boo, you are one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever seen. At no point in your rambling, incoherent nonsense are you ever close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this country is now dumber for having experienced you. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Finally, I don't care about Mitt Romney's binder o' hoes, er, I mean, binders full of women.  Honestly, we all know what he was talking about and it wasn't anything offensive.  He just worded it a little strangely, which is kind of his thing.  Ginning up outrage over some stupid little comment is the Republicans' thing, and when the Democrats try it they pretty much always fail miserably. 

More importantly, wasn't the actually bad part when Romney suggested that a necessary part of hiring women is making sure you let them leave in time to go cook dinner?  I mean, you wouldn't want the hard working husbands of the women you hire out of pity to come home after a long day of working way past 5 just to find an empty table because you kept their wives at work too late.  Is it even possible for dinner to happen without a woman cooking it?  I don't know, and Mitt doesn't want to find out.

And what about all the other stupid things Mitt said Tuesday night?  He said his answer to gun violence in America involves 1) not ever considering any new gun legislation, but 2) telling people who have babies to get married.  This one statement alone should disqualify anyone from holding any kind of public office, but somehow binders full of women gets more press. 

Did you also notice how Mitt quickly threw in that the two parents had to be a mother and a father?  The only thing Republicans hate more than single moms is multiple homosexuals.  Ya know, as far as I know, Mitt had a mom and a dad, and he still turned out pretty useless.  Maybe it's time for the country to stop taking family planning advice from these idiots.

The Death Penalty

In 1987, the football program at Southern Methodist University received what college football people refer to as "the death penalty".  SMU's 1987 season was cancelled, and their home games in 1988 were also cancelled, which eventually lead to the cancellation of the entire 1988 season.  SMU was also hit with a pretty severe reduction in scholarships and a reduction in the number of coaches they're allowed to have (as if college football teams really need so many coaches anyway, but whatever).  These penalties effectively demolished the SMU football program, and over 20 years later they're just barely starting to recover.

What did SMU do to deserve this?  Recruiting violations.  There was a lot going on, but basically, they paid players, and you aren't supposed to do that in college football.  Were they the only program paying players in the 80s?  Hell no, but they were doing it pretty blatantly, and they got caught.

Fast forward to 2012 and, as it turns out, Penn State's football facilities were being used, for years, by a former Penn State football coach, to sexually abuse young boys.  And, it appears, serious people at Penn State, including the head football coach, were at least peripherally aware that something very bad either was happening or, at the very least, had happened.

Umm, that sort of sounds worse than the SMU thing, doesn't it?  I mean, I don't wanna get into a whole thing here, but I assume we can all agree that sexual misconduct with kids is worse than paying people to play football when they're supposed to be doing it for free.

So, I was all ready for Penn State football to get the death penalty, and maybe multiple years of the death penalty, but no, not so much.  I have to admit to being sort of puzzled by this.  I've heard college football people argue that this whole scandal isn't really a football thing, so the NCAA should have stayed out of it altogether.  I don't know, it seems like it was a little bit of a football thing.  Kids weren't being abused in the showers of the Psychology department.

I think, more than any other sport, even the NFL, college football people often fail to see the bigger picture.  Growing up in a real city, with real sports to root for, I'm not particularly tied to any college football program, but I understand why Penn State people want to defend their program.  I don't really understand why other college football people can't just admit that Penn State got off easy.  They're lucky they ever get to play football again.


So what was Penn State's punishment?  First, a fine in the amount of $60 million.  I have no idea what that means.  I don't know how much money Penn State has.  I don't know how long they have to pay off the fine.  I don't know if, being the state college of Pennsylvania, they're permitted to pay all fines in the form of cheese steaks and Primanti Bros. sandwiches.  I have no idea what this means.


Second, four years of not going to bowl games.  Say it ain't so!  With Urban Meyer's arrival at Ohio State and Michigan back on the upswing, Penn State wasn't going to any Rose Bowls or national title games anytime soon.  So this basically means four years of not having to spend New Years in Shreveport or El Paso for the Whocares.com Bowl presented by Flakey Flakes off brand style breakfast cereal.


And then there's the vacated wins.  I have to admit, as much as I think Penn State deserves every bit of punishment it has coming and about 10 times more, I don't like this one.  This seems highly personal.  I've never been a big fan of Joe Paterno, or Cal Ripken or anyone else who wound up being called great mostly through an ability to stay around forever.  Still, this seems like a misguided attempt by the NCAA to kick dirt on Paterno's grave just so they can say "hey look, we did something!" and "Joe who?  Never heard of him."  You stay classy, NCAA.


And they lost some scholarships and players can transfer without having to sit out for a year, which is a stupid rule anyway.  I'm sorry, this all seems a little too lenient for me.  I've heard people say you're punishing current players for the sins of people who aren't there anymore, and that's not fair.  Umm, so? Listen, if, at some point in your life, a teacher or a parent or somebody told you that life was going to be fair, I suggest you attempt to locate that person and punch them in the face.  


Maybe the combination of the penalties and the bad PR will put Penn State football out of its misery anyway, I can only hope.  But the penalties themselves are way too soft.  What other organization would be able to move past an abuse scandal like this with not much more than a slap on the wrist?  Well, OK, there's the catholic church, but do you really want to be the catholic church of college football?


I'd like to see Penn State voluntarily suspend football for two or three years, then come back with new uniforms and probably a new team name.  Nobody knows what a nittany lion is anyway.  Is nittany a color?  Is it a place where you find lions?  I don't think Penn State will do that though, because at big time college football schools, even after huge scandals, football still runs the place.  And now we're sort of all the way back to the beginning of the problem.

Little Things

Why is it that the NHL seems to be able to nail all the little things, but is completely incapable of getting any of the big things right?  Tonight I watched game 7 between the Rangers and Senators (I tried to watch the Panthers/Devils game 7 too, but I just couldn't bring myself to care so I did this instead).  At the beginning of the game was the traditional singing of the anthems, for both the United States and Canada (because, apparently, Ottawa is the capital of Canada.  How adorable, they have a capital and a song and everything). 

Did they get some idiot-ass pop star to sing the anthems?  Or some stupid little kid?  Hell no!  It was some grumpy-looking old dude who looked like he should be taking your hat at the Bada Bing.  Nailed it!  The NHL gets a lot of these little things right.  New rules to make the game better after the lock-out, overtime shoot-outs so sports fans never have to endure another tie (unless Bud Selig decides to ruin another all-star game, or unless you count soccer fans as sports fans, which I obviously don't), the way Canadian announcers pronounce the name Hossa.  Nailed!  Nailed!  Nailed!

You could argue that rule changes were a big thing, but then that would ruin my whole premise so shut up please.  All of these good little things just serve to infuriate me more when they screw up the big things.  Like, why would you allow your playoffs to be scheduled in such a way that two of your game sevens have to go head to head with the first round of the NFL draft?  The one night between the superbowl and September when the NFL comes back to completely dominate sports TV.  Even if you went up against the 2nd and 3rd rounds you'd have a fighting chance.  Nobody cares about those anyway. 

Quick sidenote, what's with the NFL's hard-on for Thursdays?  I loved the old Saturday-Sunday drafts.  They went on forever, the whole second day with the B team commentators was hilarious, it was just a fun weekend.  Now, the draft starts on Thursday, which meant I had to try flipping back and forth between fantastic episodes of Community and 30 Rock and the draft just to keep up with what was going on.  Who knows how many idiotic things Chris Berman said that I'll never get to hear.  I flipped over once and caught the end of him screaming incoherently, but about what?  I'll never know...I'll NEVER know.

Plus, we're heading toward a season in which we have Thursday games almost every week.  Thursday games are the worst.  They ruin my fantasy team and the games themselves are always terrible because the players are all only half-healed from the week before.  WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH ROGER GODDELL AND THURSDAYS???  I hate this shit more than anything else in sports right now!  Where was I?

Oh yeah, hockey.  See?  The NHL can't even keep my attention for more than three paragraphs, and I love hockey.  Playoff scheduling isn't the only problem.  Why do they continue to insist upon wearing dark jerseys at home now?  I hate that almost as much as I hate Thursday football.  It doesn't look right and it never will.  How stupid did it look in Phoenix when the crowd did the white-out for playoff games (awesome gimmick, by the way), but the home team was wearing red?  Very stupid, is the answer to my query. 

And why is there still a team in Phoenix anyway? or San Jose? or Anaheim? or Tampa? or Miami? or Carolina? or Columbus, OH (the fact that I have to add OH there because otherwise you wouldn't know what I was talking about because nobody gives a shit about Columbus except Ohio State fans pretty much illustrates my point).  I could go on and on. 

The point is, I don't see why the NHL can't fix these problems.  Move the San Jose team to Quebec.  Combine the Anaheim and Columbus franchises and move them to Saskatoon or Regina (I feel like they should call the team the Saskatoon Saskatoons).  Move the Florida Panthers to Seattle (seriously, why hasn't Seattle ever had a hockey team?  Is it too close to Vancouver?  What am I missing?).  Move Carolina back to Hartford (obviously).  Move the Phoenix team to some other city in Ontario.  I honestly believe Ontario could support 8 NHL teams if we asked them to.

Then, you just let them wear white at home, like they're supposed to, and try not to schedule your best games when nobody is watching.  How hard is that?  I guess what I'm saying is, I would enjoy being King of the NHL (which is a better title than commissioner, which is obviously useless), and they should probably hire me now.  Gary Bettman can have my job if he wants it.

It's Baseball Time Again! - AL West

I'm told the regular season has already started with Oakland and Seattle in Japan this morning.  Can we all get on the same page and agree that shit doesn't count?  I'm officially disqualifying both teams from playoff contention, which they already did to themselves when they put their rosters together.

Texas Rangers

Good News: Texas can still hit, like, really hit.  And, even though I'm not sold on a return to old form by Joe Nathan, the rest of Texas' bullpen (Adams, Uehara, Ogando) is pretty much awesome.  You don't want any of this, AL West!  You hear me!

Bad News: Texas' starting rotation leaves quite a bit to be desired.  Everyone says Yu Darvish is different, and he's better, and he's more prepared for the big leagues.  That's the same shit they said about all those other Japanese disasters.  I predict some early success followed by a couple of seasons with lots of walks and long games followed by us all forgetting who Yu Darvish was (possibly followed by the Yankees inexplicably signing him to a 3 year, $25 million contract).

Anything else we need to know?: Michael Young hit over .300 last year for the 7th time in his career.  You still can't convince me that there's any huge difference between him and Derek Jeter.  You can't, because there isn't.

Prediction: First place, ALCS...ya know, when I wrote about the Yankees last week, I honestly thought they could win the World Series.  I'm sticking with that, but Texas makes me nervous.  Great line-up, pieces to trade for an ace mid-season (if they can find one).  Yeah, I'm nervous.

Los Angeles Angels (of Los Angeles?)

Good News: You might have heard a thing or two about this Pujols fellow they signed.  He's pretty amazeballs.  They also picked up solid number 2 CJ Wilson to go with Jered Weaver, Dan Haren and Ervin Santana.  Yankee fans know you can't trust a Weaver, but the Angels can still pitch.

Bad News: Pujols' batting average has gone down each year since 2008 when hit .357.  2009 was .327, 2010 was .312, last year was .299.  That's a trend.  The power is still there.  He won't be bad, but I don't think the Angels are getting what they think they're getting.

Anything else we need to know?: I don't know why Mike Trout can't steal one of those corner outfield jobs from Vernon Wells and Torii Hunter (combined age, 69), but it probably has something to do with Trout hitting .220 in 123 at-bats last year.  Whatever, those guys are old and the Angels need what Trout can bring.  I expect to see him by June.

Prediction: Second place, and I'm saying no playoffs.

Seattle Mariners

Good News: I hear Seattle is a very nice city.  Also, Felix Hernandez is good.  Really good.  Seattle also has a lot of young guys, so that'll be fun.  I don't know if they're any good, but it'll be fun.

Bad News: Seriously though, I'm not sure too many of Seattle's young guys are good.  Justin Smoak is 25 and has a .226 career average.  Michael Saunders is a .196 career hitter in 576 at-bats.  I was young once too, it didn't mean I could hit.

Anything else we need to know?: Kudos to the Mariners for jumping on the Jesus Montero train on its way to 350 pounds.  For too long, our professional sports have discriminated against fat, unathletic guys.  No more!

Prediction: Third place, and I'm probably being nice.

Oakland Athletics

Good News: Brandon McCarthy was on the cover of ESPN the magazine last month, and it looks like he'll be in a good mood all year, because his wife is smoking hot.  Also, he may or may not be able to pitch.

Bad News: Look at Oakland's line-up.  Who are these guys?  If you wouldn't recognize your favorite baseball team if you ran into them at the airport, that's probably a bad sign.  The A's will be lucky if people recognize them as a baseball team when they're on the field.

Anything else we need to know?: Yeah.  Moneyball wasn't some genius idea.  The A's just signed a few guys with high on-base percentages while simultaneously developing multiple generations of dominant pitching.  They pitched their way to contention, it's what teams have been doing since like 1870.

Prediction: Last place.  Oakland's like Minnesota, they always seem to get me.  I really think they're going to be awful though.

It's Baseball Time Again! - AL Central

Can anyone in this division challenge Detroit? The short answer is no. The long answer is noooooooooo. The only possible challenger is Chicago, but they lost their ace, their closer, their manager and they didn't lose Adam Dunn. Minnesota can always be feisty, but they don't have anything for the Tigers.  Cleveland isn't ready yet.  We'll be able to call this division by August.

Detroit Tigers

Good News: The Tigers can hit. I mean really hit. Miguel Cabrera's lowest totals in the last three seasons are .324/30HR/103RBI. That's what you get if you make one season out of the worst of Miguel's last three. Prince Fielder might be chasing 300 pounds, but he's also a lock for at least 30 homers and an on-base percentage at or above .400. No weak spots in this line-up (even the shortstop hits more like a third baseman). Oh, and that Verlander guy is pretty good too.

Bad News: The Tigers can't catch, like, at all. Cabrera will be lucky to make opening day after he fielded a grounder with his face. The second baseman is just a converted outfielder. The shortstop really should be playing third base. The only good defensive player they have on the infield is Brandon Inge, and he'll be watching Cabrera butcher his position all year. Nothing is more infuriating for a baseball fan than watching your team botch a routine defensive play, and I predict lots of TV's flying out windows in Michigan this summer.

Anything else we need to know?: Justin Verlander has gone over 200 innings in each of the last five seasons, and he went just over 250 last year. This is either a sign that he's super durable, or that his arm is about to fall off. Durable seems more likely, but Tigers fans better keep their fingers crossed just to be sure.

Prediction: First place, but you need to be able to catch a little in the post-season.

Cleveland Indians

Good News: Shin-Soo Choo (or as I like to call him, the choo choo train) is back and should get back to hitting around .300 with 20 or so homeruns, 20 or so steals and 100 or so RBI.  Travis Hafner is back too.  Well, for now, until he gets hurt again, which he will.  I love Justin Masterson (I predict he'll finish in the top 10 in Cy Young voting this year) and the pitching staff as a whole isn't terrible.

Bad News: Everyone knows god hates Cleveland.  And even if that wasn't true (which it isn't, because even if god was real, he wouldn't give a shit about sports), the Indians have a lot of nice pieces, but they're missing the one guy who can carry them.  In contrast, Detroit has three of those guys.

Anything else we need to know?: I still believe in Ubaldo Jiminez.  Last year was really bad, and I have almost no evidence to back this up, but I think Ubaldo bounces back this year to the tune of an ERA under 3.50 and at least 15 wins.

Prediction: Second place.  I just don't think the Indians have what they need to push Detroit.

Chicago White Sox

Good News: I really don't mind Chicago's starting rotation. They don't have an ace, but they have a lot of decent arms. None of Chicago's starters would make me nervous as a White Sox fan, any of them can win any given game. As a Yankee fan who suffered through AJ Burnett last season, I know there's value in having five viable starters, none of whom are great, but none of whom are terrible.

Bad News: Gordon Beckham is 25 now, and he hit .230 last year. Alex Rios hit .227 last year. Paul Konerko is coming off two of his best three seasons ever, but he's 36 and I'm not sure he can keep it up. And then there's Dunn, who hit .159 last year in 415 at-bats. Seriously. Asking where the runs are going to come from would be an understatement. Other than Konerko, this offense is just awful.

Anything else we need to know?: White Sox fans are about to find out how boring a mediocre baseball team can be without Ozzie Guillen.  I also think Guillen, while clearly insane, may be one of the few managers in baseball who can actually effect game outcomes in a positive way.  We may find out that the White Sox are worse than we thought.

Prediction: Third place, probably can't be better, might be worse.

Minnesota Twins

Good News: Mauer and Morneau appear to be healthy and good to go.  Morneau really struggled last year, but I'm willing to give him one more year to see if he can bounce back now that he's healthy.  Josh Willingham makes a nice addition here too, they needed something from the right side.

Bad News: Life is all bad news when Carl Pavano is your opening day starter.  Carl Pavano will never be forgiven.  Do you hear me?  NEVER!

Anything else we need to know?: Matt Capps is one of the least inspiring closers in the game, and will probably lose his job to Glen Perkins by June 1st.  This will, of course, most likely result in some poor contending sap (please not the Yankees, please not the Yankees) trading for him in July and then being shocked and disappointed when he's terrible.  Sometimes I wonder if MLB GM's are allowed to watch baseball games.

Prediction: Fourth place.  I'm always sort of down on Minnesota, but this year I think I'm right.

Kansas City Royals

Good News: Lots of young talent (Hosmer, Moustakas, Lorenzo Cain) and Alex Gordon finally showed up last year.  Salvador Perez fell into the young talent category too, but he just had knee surgery.  Point is, I watched a lot of Royals games on my MLB package last summer, because they're interesting, and I'll probably watch a lot of Royals this summer too.

Bad News: Young doesn't necessarily mean they're good yet.  Also, something seems to have gone horribly wrong with Joakim Soria, and now I'm reading that he might need Tommy John surgery (again).  Their back-up closer is Jonathan Broxton, who was, of course, completely destroyed by Joe Torre. 

Anything else we need to know?: Luke Hochevar seems to be falling into the "never quite panned out" category.  And really, Kansas City's whole rotation is a concern.  Am I the only one who feels like Bruce Chen's been around forever?  Did the Braves call him up when he was 12 or something?

Prediction: Last place.  I want to believe.  I don't though.

It's Baseball Time Again! - AL East

Welcome to the best division in baseball.  What makes this division better than the NL East?  In a (made up) word, the AL East has the important quality of Metlessness.  Why am I so down on the Mets?  When the Mets had Jose Reyes, David Wright, Carlos Beltran, Johan Santana and K-Rod, they were barely a contender.  Now they have exactly one and a half of those things. 

Anyway, where was I?  Oh right, the AL East.

New York Yankees

Good News: We all know the Yankees can hit, but something about the pitching staff this season actually makes sense to me.  It's not perfect, but I really like Michael Pineda (the Yankees made a good trade, for young talent, I'm still stunned) and I'm willing to classify the bullpen in front of Rivera as "not terrible". 

Bad News: Everything about Hiroki Kuroda tells me he's a guy who will be crushed in the American League, I have no faith in him.  Also, Mariano Rivera is 42 years old.  42!  I can't find anything in his 2011 statistics to suggest a decline (K rate actually went back up, innings held steady with 2010 numbers), but seriously, he's 42.  This can't go on forever.

Anything else we need to know?: What do I have to do to convince my fellow Yankee fans that Andy Pettitte was never that great to begin with.  It seems like most fans' reaction to the news of Andy's comeback was "yeah!".  My reaction was "Why?".  And speaking of Yankees I'm not a huge fan of, Nick Swisher.  I know he puts up good numbers and always stays healthy (at least 150 games played in six straight seasons), but his at-bats are torture.

Prediction: This makes me nervous, but I think the Yankees can win the division, and the World Series.  I know, I'm a homer.  Seriously though, I think this can happen.

Boston Red Sox

Good News: Andrew Bailey is every bit as good as Jonathan Papelbon, and 100% less crazy (I think, maybe playing in Boston was what made Papelbon crazy in the first place, I guess we'll see).  Cody Ross isn't any worse than JD Drew, and comes with the added benefit of not being JD Drew.  More importantly, Carl Crawford and Kevin Youkilis have to be better than they were last year, Youk should be an MVP candidate (although I like Robinson Cano for AL MVP this year).  Plus they get Clay Buchholz back.  Lots of good news for the Sox (and they needed some).

Bad News: The bottom of Boston's rotation is kind of a mess (I love Daniel Bard as a closer and I love Alfredo Aceves as a middle/long reliever, I'm not sold on either of them as starters) .  Also, Bobby Valentine is super-overrated.  I know he once got an absolutely mediocre Mets team to a world series, but they got trounced in that series, and it was like 13 years ago. 

Anything else we need to know?: I live in Red Sox country now, which means that when the Yankees play the Sox, I only get to watch the Sox broadcast.  Booooooooo!!!!!!!!!

Prediction: Second place, wild card, not much else. 

Tampa Bay Rays

Good News: Tampa's starting rotation is going to pitch the shit out of the ball.  David Price had more strike-outs and less walks last year than he did in 2010, when he got serious Cy Young consideration.  Wade Davis should be better, Matt Moore should be awesome and James Shields seems to have figured something out.  And if any of those guys fail, Jeff Niemann is still around as the 6th starter.

Bad News: Still not a lot of offense in Tampa.  Add that to a bullpen that would be best described as "shaky", and it sounds like a recipe for a lot of late inning losses to Boston and New York.

Anything else we need to know?: Yeah, yeah.  I know Kyle Farnsworth was very good last year, but he's still Kyle Farnsworth.  Until the end of time, I will describe any bullpen which includes Kyle Farnsworth as shaky.

Prediction: Third place, the other wild card and probably a trip to the ALCS.  I think so anyway.  I honestly can't decide between the Rays and the Angels for the second AL wild card.  Tampa's a better team, but they don't get to play Seattle and Oakland as much as the Angels do.  Screw it, I'm going with Tampa.

Baltimore Orioles

Good News: Is it just me, or do the Orioles look like they can hit?  Not a ton, but some.  Right?  It may be time for a break-out year for Matt Wieters too.  Baltimore won't win a lot, but they won't be terrible either.

Bad News: Is it just me, or can the Orioles not pitch at all?  Baltimore's whole staff is a hodge podge of guys who probably aren't ready yet (Arrieta, Britton) and guys who will probably never be ready (Hammel, Chen, Tommy Hunter).  And what's going on with Brian Matusz?  This whole thing is a catastrophe.

Anything else we need to know?: Whenever I think of Baltimore, I immediately think of The Wire.  Wallace was on House this week.  Where's Wallace at?  He was in Dillon, Texas for a while, and then he was on House.  That's where Wallace is at.

Prediction: Fourth place, should be fun to watch (and hit against).

Toronto Blue Jays

Good News: Toronto is a super nice city.  It's like if you put an American city in a dishwasher, and then added the hockey hall of fame, and cool Canadian accents to all the people.   Oh, you wanted good baseball news?  Sorry, I don't have any of that.

Seriously, Any good news?: Well, I don't hate Toronto's bullpen.  I don't love it, but I don't hate it.

Bad News: Adam Lind followed a break-out 2009 by hitting .237 and .251 the next two seasons.  Jose Bautista's steroids suspension has to happen eventually (sorry, I meant to say that I'm sure he's perfectly clean, because it's totally reasonable for a 30-year-old player to suddenly become awesome at hitting, and I know this because I learned nothing from the late 90's).

Anything else we need to know?: I kinda thought Toronto stole Colby Rasmus from St. Louis, but it's starting to seem more like St. Louis knew something that Toronto (and I) didn't know.  That was actually probably more likely all along.

Prediction: Last place.  It's not that Toronto is so awful, but they aren't good and this division is.