NHL Uniform Manifesto Part 3

Before we start, just a quick note about pointless outdoor hockey.  Pointless outdoor hockey is pointless.  I like the Winter Classic.  It saves me from having to pretend to care about college football for three hours every New Years Day.  But like most things that happen once a year, once is enough.  I don't need random extra outdoor games.  I don't need the Rangers having to play outdoors twice in four days.  I definitely don't need an attempted outdoor hockey game in Los Angeles. 

Gary Bettman understands that ice is an important part of ice hockey, right?  And he also understands that ice is cold, right?  To be fair, I'm frequently confused by things that the NHL thinks are good ideas, like wearing dark uniforms at home, or having multiple Florida based teams.  Still, the stadium series seems particularly stupid and while I'm sure they made some extra money, I don't care about that a lot.

OK, let's get started...no wait, one more quick note on the stadium series.  The announcers have been intolerable.  It's like the only instruction NBC gave them for doing a hockey game at a baseball stadium was "Use a lot of baseball words, but use them to describe hockey things...people will love that shit."  I do not love that shit.  OK I'm done now.

Welcome to part 3 of my epic three part NHL uniform manifesto.  If you missed the first two parts, you really should go read them (Part 1 and Part 2) because without the first two parts, part 3 is just nonsense. 

10. New Jersey Devils
First Impression: 8
Classicyness: 6
Color Scheme: 4
Trend: 8
Logo/Mascot: 3
Total - 29

The Devils added black to their color profile a while ago, which is perfectly fine, but they also subtracted green, which is less fine.  Wouldn't the Devils look pretty great in green alternates with red and black trim?  I say yes.  Meanwhile, the logo looks nice at first glance, but the fact that the devil horns and tail don't fit in the circle has always bothered me.

The first impression score for New Jersey was a real roller coaster.  I've always hated watching the Devils play, because they've always been incredibly boring.  But on the other hand, I've sat literally three feet from the Devils' bench at the Nassau Coliseum on multiple occasions, and that was a shitload of fun.  Shitload of fun trumps neutral zone trap, so big points for first impression, but it wasn't easy. 

9. New York Rangers
First Impression: 7
Classicyness: 9
Color Scheme: 4
Trend: 4
Logo/Mascot: 6
Total - 30

Another emotional battle on first impression.  My mom likes the Rangers, but my grandmother taught me to be an Islander fan.  Meanwhile, the Rangers have been a model of mediocrity for as long as I can remember, and have never been that fun to watch.  The tie breaker here was a Ranger game I went to in college, or maybe grad school.  The song they play when the Rangers score is one of the most fun sports things I've ever seen.

Everything else about the Rangers is great, except, once again, a darker shade of blue is ruining my life.  The blue on the regular home jerseys is borderline tolerable, but the alternate is even darker.  How good would the Rangers look in a red alternate?  Another missed opportunity, and another jersey ruined by inexplicable dark blue.  Having said all that, the Rangers' jerseys are undeniably classic and almost landed the first 10 I've given out, but not quite, because, to be honest, I just don't like them very much.

8. St. Louis Blues
First Impression: 9
Classicyness: 6
Color Scheme: 7
Trend: 2
Logo/Mascot: 8
Total - 32

I wanted a Brett Hull Blues jersey so much at one point when I was a kid, and I'm like 99% sure my parents got me one.  How dare the Blues change those jerseys?!?  And they added a DARKER BLUE alternate?  I know St. Louis' trend isn't as bad as some other teams that got higher scores, but I'm so mad at them right now that I don't care.

Setting that aside for a second, I generally like the Blues' jerseys.  I think St. Louis was victimized more by the new Reebok uniforms than anyone else, but that's not entirely the team's fault.  Meanwhile, blue and gold are always a solid combo and I don't know about you, but I'm a big fan of the blue note logo.  I'm not sure if Blues makes a lot of sense for St. Louis, but it just sort of sounds right. 

7. New York Islanders
First Impression: 9
Classicyness: 8
Color Scheme: 6
Trend: 7
Logo/Mascot: 9
Total - 39

OK, let's start with the good stuff.  The Islanders are my childhood team.  All of my early hockey memories are Islander memories, and they're mostly good.  On top of that, out of all the possible color schemes, I think blue and orange might be my favorite.  Islanders might be a little too close to Shelbyville Shelbyvillians for my taste, but I'm giving them a pass on the lazy name because the logo is really nice and looks great on a jersey.  High marks all around for the regular Islander jerseys, which may very well have come in at #1 overall it wasn't for...

...those alternates.  Here are just some of the problems with the Islander alternates, aside from just being incredibly ugly:
1) Every time they're wearing the offending alternates, they aren't wearing their awesome regular jerseys.
2) Where did the weird grey/silver come from?
3) They never bothered designing alternate helmets, so they still wear the regular blue home helmets with the alternates and it looks ridiculous. 
4) Even the Islanders don't exactly know what color their alternates are.  I've heard the announcers who do the Islander games discussing whether they're black or very dark blue.
5) Of all the teams who should be doing a third jersey in their third color, the Islanders top the list.  The Islanders' third jersey should just be the regular home jersey with the blue and orange inverted. 

I could go on and on and on and on.  The Islanders lost at least one point in every category because of these monstrosities.  I can't stand them.  I literally turn off Islander games when I see them wearing the alternates.  I understand why people still talk about the Islanders' mid-90s fisherman uniforms, but these are honestly 100 times worse.  The fisherman wasn't even the problem on those, it was the new colors and the strange wavy lines.  I wouldn't even mind black alternates in the same design as the regular uniforms...ugh, I need to move on.

6. Toronto Maple Leafs
First Impression: 5
Classicyness: 10
Color Scheme: 7
Trend: 8
Logo/Mascot: 10
Total - 40

Toronto is the first team to score full marks in any category, and they did it twice!  I know a classic uniform when I see one, and the Maple Leafs, I mean, I almost gave them an 11 for classicyness.  Logo/Mascot is just as good.  The logo looks great on the jerseys and Maple Leafs is just perfect.  It's basically saying "Hi, we're from Canada, eh", but in team moniker form.  Just terrific. 

Normally I would be a little more negative on the color scheme.  Blue and white isn't exactly lighting the world on fire, but the Maple Leafs date back to like 1917.  The world only had like 5 colors back then, using three of them would have been selfish. 

First impression is really the only weak score.  I've been watching hockey for about 34 years now, and I can't ever remember Toronto being good, or fun to watch, or generating any real reaction from me at all except for the occasional "hey, they're from Canada, that's fun!"  But even that response is muted.  Toronto is the least Canada-y of all the Canadian hockey cities.  They even have an NBA team.

5. Edmonton Oilers
First Impression: 9
Classicyness: 8
Color Scheme: 7
Trend: 8
Logo/Mascot: 9
Total - 41

Hey, speaking of blue and orange, it's the Oilers!  High marks all around, including an 8 for trend as a reward for correcting some mistaken adventures in the late 90s.  I think the logo is my favorite part (well, that and the orange), I'm not sure why, I just sort of like it.  You also have to remember that the Oilers were very fun to watch for a long time, even if they're a little very very bad now.  Plus, they're from Edmonton, which is fun.

Edmonton didn't finish 1st, because I have to be fair about all of this, but they're probably my favorite set of uniforms.  I really can't complain about anything, although I certainly wouldn't mind an orange alternate in Edmonton.  I can live without it though. 

4. Boston Bruins
First Impression: 10
Classicyness: 10
Color Scheme: 6
Trend: 7
Logo/Mascot: 9
Total - 42

The Bruins make me smile, and talk about classicyness!  The Bruins just look like a hockey team.  I'm not crazy about black and gold as a color scheme, but Boston uses it about as correctly as possible.  And those logos are just fantastic.  Who could argue with the spoked B?

As much as I love the spoked B, I had to take one point off for logo/mascot because, well, I don't think they have a lot of bears around Boston.  I live about two hours away.  The woods around my apartment building have deer, raccoons, skunks and possibly coyotes (I don't believe it, but people in my building swear they've seen coyotes)...no bears though.

I took the most points off color scheme and trend for some failed experiments in alternates, as well as some improper use of the color scheme.  Children, what have we learned about third jerseys when a team has three colors in its profile?  That's right, the third jersey should be the third color.  I'd prefer it if Boston would just skip the alternates altogether, they don't need them.  But if they insist on having one, it needs to be yellow.  Most egregious though, was Boston's ill-fated attempt at an alternate logo.  You know how I feel about that.

3. Detroit Red Wings
First Impression: 8
Classicyness: 10
Color Scheme: 7
Trend: 10
Logo/Mascot: 10
Total - 45

I have no idea what a Red Wing is, but the winged wheel logo is so perfect for Detroit that I literally don't care.  And Detroit was another almost 11 for classicyness.  The biggest change to the Red Wings' uniform in the last 80 years appears to have been centering the logo.  As far as I can tell, the Red Wings have never even attempted an alternate, and why would they?  That kind of loyalty earns you a 10 for trend. 

The two color scheme is the only thing keeping Detroit out of the top slot.  Well, that and the fact that I've never really liked watching the Red Wings that much.  I'm not sure why, but I think maybe they were just really bad for a while when I was a kid.  They got better, but my brain had already permanently filed them in the blah category by then.

2. Montreal Canadians
First Impression: 10
Classicyness: 10
Color Scheme: 8
Trend: 9
Logo/Mascot: 10
Total - 47

Montreal actually tied for first, and you would think the tie would go to the Canadian team, but they're French Canadian so that doesn't really count.  Having said that, I love Montreal's uniforms.  The red, white and blue color scheme makes perfect sense for French Canada and the logo is super cool.  Like Detroit, Montreal hasn't even bothered with alternates and, again, why would they? 

Montreal lost some trend points for screwing around a little bit more than Detroit, but not that much more.  And the color scheme, while it does make perfect sense, is a little boring and not my favorite.  Still, a tie for first is nothing to be ashamed of. 

1. Chicago Blackhawks
First Impression: 10
Classicyness: 10
Color Scheme: 9
Trend: 8
Logo/Mascot: 10
Total - 47

I gave Chicago a pass on the whole "is the mascot insensitive?" question because I honestly don't think it is.  On a 1-10 scale of insensitivity, 1 being completely non-offensive and 10 being Washington Redskins (which, in my mind, is basically the same thing as calling a team the Washington Black People...or worse), I'd put Blackhawks at a tepid 1.5.  No warrior stereotypes, no ridiculous references to skin color, just Blackhawks and a happy looking mascot with some feathers in his hair.  You can be offended if you want, I'm not. 

But here's why Chicago wins.  I gave Detroit and Montreal big points for not screwing around with alternates since their regular uniforms are so great, so for Chicago to try an alternate is a real high wire act, and they pulled it off.  Chicago's alternates were either throwbacks (which I didn't love but are clearly acceptable) or a perfect copy of their regular uniforms, only in their third color.  That's all I've been asking for this whole time, and even though Chicago dumped those alternates and went back to just two jerseys, it was great while it lasted, and that's why Chicago wins.

Boston Convert

As I'm writing this I'm getting ready for game 2 of the Rangers/Bruins series.  First of all, if you aren't watching the hockey playoffs, honestly, what's wrong with you?  Whatever you're doing instead just isn't nearly as important.

Anyway, as I've tried to figure out who I'm rooting for in this series, I've come to a shocking revelation about myself.  I think I'm becoming a Boston sports fan.  True story.  It seems ridiculous to just switch all rooting interests to a whole new town, but let's go through it one by one.

The Celtics are the easiest one.  I've always been a Celtics fan, except for that brief period in the 90's when there were only two basketball fan identities (Bulls fan or Bulls hater) and I was a Bulls fan.  My parents were never that into sports (except for my mom and the Rangers, and we'll get to them in a minute), so I inherited a lot of my rooting interests from my grandmother.  Because the Celtics are implicitly Irish, we rooted for Boston.

Sidenote: In hindsight, there also might be something to the fact that, in the 80's, the Celtics pretty much cornered the market on white basketball players.  Really...Bird, McHale, Ainge, Walton.  It's like a who's who of useful or better NBA white guys.  I don't know, I didn't really give that a lot of thought when I was 7.

In terms of hockey, I grew up an Islanders fan.  My grandparents live like 10 minutes from the Nassau Coliseum, and back when I was like 0-3 years old, the Isles were winning four straight Stanley Cups.  So that's a pretty formative experience.  A few years ago I disowned the Islanders because of their many many uniform transgressions.  Since then, I assume in response to my outrage, they went back to the classic uniform scheme and I've been back on board.  But, they're moving to Brooklyn soon.

I'm sorry, I'm not rooting for a hockey team from Brooklyn.  Especially after they change their name to the Hipsters or the Skinny Jeans or whatever and incorporate irony into their new uniforms.  No thank you.  Plus, I'm from Queens, I don't want to root for Brooklyn anyway.

And the Rangers and Devils?  Come on.  Listen, the Rangers suck.  And the Devils, they're even worse.  I had a girlfriend in college who loved the Devils, and even when someone I loved loved the Devils, I still fucking hated them.  They are perpetually unwatchable.  The uniforms are awful, and even though they don't play like they did in the 90's anymore, I can't watch them without seeing that awful neutral zone trap.  Boooooo!!!!!!!!!

Meanwhile, the Bruins have great uniforms, aren't from Brooklyn and aren't planning to randomly move to some other part of Boston just for fun.  I like the Bruins and I'm not having a hard time seeing myself getting on board with being a fan.  I mean, just look at Zdeno Chara.  He's like an angry giant on skates. Who doesn't want to root for an angry giant?  Also, they have a goalie named Tuukka.  Tuukka!  Come on, he has an extra K.  Everyone knows K is the best letter.  At least it is in Finland, or Sweden, or Denmark or wherever the fuck Tuukka is from.

Football is pretty easy too.  I've always kind of hated the New York football teams, and I haven't really kept that a secret.  In my football watching life I've bounced around from the Houston Oilers (until they moved) to the Tampa Bay Bucs (until they got new uniforms) to just being a fan of the NFL Redzone network (because it's seriously fucking awesome).  I can settle in with the Patriots.  I already have a Patriots jersey (although it hasn't been worn since September, and even then not by me, and the story of how I became the owner of a Patriots jersey is interesting, somewhat embarrassing, has very little to do with being a Patriots fan, and I'm not quite ready to tell it yet).

Oh, and did I mention the New York football teams are actually from New Jersey?  Yeah, that's a real thing.

Honestly, I'm not even sure why people have favorite football teams anymore.  It's like having a favorite character on a sit-com.  It's just a TV show.  When I watch How I Met Your Mother, I don't root for Marshall, I just enjoy the show.  I feel like having a strong rooting interest might ruin football for me, but I've never had one before, so I'm open to trying it.

But then there's the Yankees.  I grew up a Yankee fan.  I've always been a Yankee fan.  The '96 World Series was awesome.  And so were the other three they won when I was in college.  But the last one, honestly, the thrill just wasn't there anymore.  I've said this before.  Being a Yankee fan is exhausting.  Yankee fans only have two emotions, terrible disappointment when the Yankees don't win the World Series, and what could best be described as relief when they do.  To be honest, I can't remember the last time I enjoyed a Yankee game.  In some ways, my Yankee fandom has become like a bad relationship that I'm just too much of a wimp to get out of.

Speaking of bad relationships, I can't really imagine what it's like to be a Red Sox fan.  I'm not 100% sure it would really be more fun, but I'm 100% sure it wouldn't be less fun.  Typical relationship dilemma.  Stay with something familiar, or go try something new that isn't necessarily any better and just leaves you feeling like an idiot.  As you can probably tell from the fact that I'm going to die alone, I'm not very good at this.

Some other valid reasons to switch to Boston fandom:

- I live in Massachusetts now, so there are always Boston teams on my TV.  I mean, I could just watch and root against them.  That's essentially what I did with the Red Sox my first year here, but, to be honest, that wasn't a lot of fun.

- Boston girls are almost exclusively awesome.  New York girls are, frankly, kind of a mixed bag.  Don't make that face at me!  You know I'm right.  You've seen Sex and the City.  So if you're in a bar with half Boston girls and half New York girls, which side of the bar would you rather have a common rooting interest with?  Yeah, me too.  I've also found that Boston girls are significantly more likely to be into sports, so there's a better chance of them being in the bar to begin with.

- Aerosmith is from Boston.  And so are the Mighty Mighty Bosstones.  Who's from New York?  LL Cool J and The Ramones?  Similar question.  If you got invited to watch a game and hang out with famous music people, who would you pick?  Dicky Barrett and Steven Tyler or LL Cool J and whichever Ramone is still alive?  Again, yeah, me too.

Look, to be honest, I'm not sure if I can go through with the full conversion.  I'm still stuck on the Red Sox thing.  That's not an easy switch.  But I've already decided that I'm not buying the MLB extra innings package this season, the Yankees just aren't worth $40 a month to me anymore.  So I suppose I'll watch a summer of Sox baseball and see how I feel in September.  I'll keep you posted.