NHL Uniform Manifesto Part 3

Before we start, just a quick note about pointless outdoor hockey.  Pointless outdoor hockey is pointless.  I like the Winter Classic.  It saves me from having to pretend to care about college football for three hours every New Years Day.  But like most things that happen once a year, once is enough.  I don't need random extra outdoor games.  I don't need the Rangers having to play outdoors twice in four days.  I definitely don't need an attempted outdoor hockey game in Los Angeles. 

Gary Bettman understands that ice is an important part of ice hockey, right?  And he also understands that ice is cold, right?  To be fair, I'm frequently confused by things that the NHL thinks are good ideas, like wearing dark uniforms at home, or having multiple Florida based teams.  Still, the stadium series seems particularly stupid and while I'm sure they made some extra money, I don't care about that a lot.

OK, let's get started...no wait, one more quick note on the stadium series.  The announcers have been intolerable.  It's like the only instruction NBC gave them for doing a hockey game at a baseball stadium was "Use a lot of baseball words, but use them to describe hockey things...people will love that shit."  I do not love that shit.  OK I'm done now.

Welcome to part 3 of my epic three part NHL uniform manifesto.  If you missed the first two parts, you really should go read them (Part 1 and Part 2) because without the first two parts, part 3 is just nonsense. 

10. New Jersey Devils
First Impression: 8
Classicyness: 6
Color Scheme: 4
Trend: 8
Logo/Mascot: 3
Total - 29

The Devils added black to their color profile a while ago, which is perfectly fine, but they also subtracted green, which is less fine.  Wouldn't the Devils look pretty great in green alternates with red and black trim?  I say yes.  Meanwhile, the logo looks nice at first glance, but the fact that the devil horns and tail don't fit in the circle has always bothered me.

The first impression score for New Jersey was a real roller coaster.  I've always hated watching the Devils play, because they've always been incredibly boring.  But on the other hand, I've sat literally three feet from the Devils' bench at the Nassau Coliseum on multiple occasions, and that was a shitload of fun.  Shitload of fun trumps neutral zone trap, so big points for first impression, but it wasn't easy. 

9. New York Rangers
First Impression: 7
Classicyness: 9
Color Scheme: 4
Trend: 4
Logo/Mascot: 6
Total - 30

Another emotional battle on first impression.  My mom likes the Rangers, but my grandmother taught me to be an Islander fan.  Meanwhile, the Rangers have been a model of mediocrity for as long as I can remember, and have never been that fun to watch.  The tie breaker here was a Ranger game I went to in college, or maybe grad school.  The song they play when the Rangers score is one of the most fun sports things I've ever seen.

Everything else about the Rangers is great, except, once again, a darker shade of blue is ruining my life.  The blue on the regular home jerseys is borderline tolerable, but the alternate is even darker.  How good would the Rangers look in a red alternate?  Another missed opportunity, and another jersey ruined by inexplicable dark blue.  Having said all that, the Rangers' jerseys are undeniably classic and almost landed the first 10 I've given out, but not quite, because, to be honest, I just don't like them very much.

8. St. Louis Blues
First Impression: 9
Classicyness: 6
Color Scheme: 7
Trend: 2
Logo/Mascot: 8
Total - 32

I wanted a Brett Hull Blues jersey so much at one point when I was a kid, and I'm like 99% sure my parents got me one.  How dare the Blues change those jerseys?!?  And they added a DARKER BLUE alternate?  I know St. Louis' trend isn't as bad as some other teams that got higher scores, but I'm so mad at them right now that I don't care.

Setting that aside for a second, I generally like the Blues' jerseys.  I think St. Louis was victimized more by the new Reebok uniforms than anyone else, but that's not entirely the team's fault.  Meanwhile, blue and gold are always a solid combo and I don't know about you, but I'm a big fan of the blue note logo.  I'm not sure if Blues makes a lot of sense for St. Louis, but it just sort of sounds right. 

7. New York Islanders
First Impression: 9
Classicyness: 8
Color Scheme: 6
Trend: 7
Logo/Mascot: 9
Total - 39

OK, let's start with the good stuff.  The Islanders are my childhood team.  All of my early hockey memories are Islander memories, and they're mostly good.  On top of that, out of all the possible color schemes, I think blue and orange might be my favorite.  Islanders might be a little too close to Shelbyville Shelbyvillians for my taste, but I'm giving them a pass on the lazy name because the logo is really nice and looks great on a jersey.  High marks all around for the regular Islander jerseys, which may very well have come in at #1 overall it wasn't for...

...those alternates.  Here are just some of the problems with the Islander alternates, aside from just being incredibly ugly:
1) Every time they're wearing the offending alternates, they aren't wearing their awesome regular jerseys.
2) Where did the weird grey/silver come from?
3) They never bothered designing alternate helmets, so they still wear the regular blue home helmets with the alternates and it looks ridiculous. 
4) Even the Islanders don't exactly know what color their alternates are.  I've heard the announcers who do the Islander games discussing whether they're black or very dark blue.
5) Of all the teams who should be doing a third jersey in their third color, the Islanders top the list.  The Islanders' third jersey should just be the regular home jersey with the blue and orange inverted. 

I could go on and on and on and on.  The Islanders lost at least one point in every category because of these monstrosities.  I can't stand them.  I literally turn off Islander games when I see them wearing the alternates.  I understand why people still talk about the Islanders' mid-90s fisherman uniforms, but these are honestly 100 times worse.  The fisherman wasn't even the problem on those, it was the new colors and the strange wavy lines.  I wouldn't even mind black alternates in the same design as the regular uniforms...ugh, I need to move on.

6. Toronto Maple Leafs
First Impression: 5
Classicyness: 10
Color Scheme: 7
Trend: 8
Logo/Mascot: 10
Total - 40

Toronto is the first team to score full marks in any category, and they did it twice!  I know a classic uniform when I see one, and the Maple Leafs, I mean, I almost gave them an 11 for classicyness.  Logo/Mascot is just as good.  The logo looks great on the jerseys and Maple Leafs is just perfect.  It's basically saying "Hi, we're from Canada, eh", but in team moniker form.  Just terrific. 

Normally I would be a little more negative on the color scheme.  Blue and white isn't exactly lighting the world on fire, but the Maple Leafs date back to like 1917.  The world only had like 5 colors back then, using three of them would have been selfish. 

First impression is really the only weak score.  I've been watching hockey for about 34 years now, and I can't ever remember Toronto being good, or fun to watch, or generating any real reaction from me at all except for the occasional "hey, they're from Canada, that's fun!"  But even that response is muted.  Toronto is the least Canada-y of all the Canadian hockey cities.  They even have an NBA team.

5. Edmonton Oilers
First Impression: 9
Classicyness: 8
Color Scheme: 7
Trend: 8
Logo/Mascot: 9
Total - 41

Hey, speaking of blue and orange, it's the Oilers!  High marks all around, including an 8 for trend as a reward for correcting some mistaken adventures in the late 90s.  I think the logo is my favorite part (well, that and the orange), I'm not sure why, I just sort of like it.  You also have to remember that the Oilers were very fun to watch for a long time, even if they're a little very very bad now.  Plus, they're from Edmonton, which is fun.

Edmonton didn't finish 1st, because I have to be fair about all of this, but they're probably my favorite set of uniforms.  I really can't complain about anything, although I certainly wouldn't mind an orange alternate in Edmonton.  I can live without it though. 

4. Boston Bruins
First Impression: 10
Classicyness: 10
Color Scheme: 6
Trend: 7
Logo/Mascot: 9
Total - 42

The Bruins make me smile, and talk about classicyness!  The Bruins just look like a hockey team.  I'm not crazy about black and gold as a color scheme, but Boston uses it about as correctly as possible.  And those logos are just fantastic.  Who could argue with the spoked B?

As much as I love the spoked B, I had to take one point off for logo/mascot because, well, I don't think they have a lot of bears around Boston.  I live about two hours away.  The woods around my apartment building have deer, raccoons, skunks and possibly coyotes (I don't believe it, but people in my building swear they've seen coyotes)...no bears though.

I took the most points off color scheme and trend for some failed experiments in alternates, as well as some improper use of the color scheme.  Children, what have we learned about third jerseys when a team has three colors in its profile?  That's right, the third jersey should be the third color.  I'd prefer it if Boston would just skip the alternates altogether, they don't need them.  But if they insist on having one, it needs to be yellow.  Most egregious though, was Boston's ill-fated attempt at an alternate logo.  You know how I feel about that.

3. Detroit Red Wings
First Impression: 8
Classicyness: 10
Color Scheme: 7
Trend: 10
Logo/Mascot: 10
Total - 45

I have no idea what a Red Wing is, but the winged wheel logo is so perfect for Detroit that I literally don't care.  And Detroit was another almost 11 for classicyness.  The biggest change to the Red Wings' uniform in the last 80 years appears to have been centering the logo.  As far as I can tell, the Red Wings have never even attempted an alternate, and why would they?  That kind of loyalty earns you a 10 for trend. 

The two color scheme is the only thing keeping Detroit out of the top slot.  Well, that and the fact that I've never really liked watching the Red Wings that much.  I'm not sure why, but I think maybe they were just really bad for a while when I was a kid.  They got better, but my brain had already permanently filed them in the blah category by then.

2. Montreal Canadians
First Impression: 10
Classicyness: 10
Color Scheme: 8
Trend: 9
Logo/Mascot: 10
Total - 47

Montreal actually tied for first, and you would think the tie would go to the Canadian team, but they're French Canadian so that doesn't really count.  Having said that, I love Montreal's uniforms.  The red, white and blue color scheme makes perfect sense for French Canada and the logo is super cool.  Like Detroit, Montreal hasn't even bothered with alternates and, again, why would they? 

Montreal lost some trend points for screwing around a little bit more than Detroit, but not that much more.  And the color scheme, while it does make perfect sense, is a little boring and not my favorite.  Still, a tie for first is nothing to be ashamed of. 

1. Chicago Blackhawks
First Impression: 10
Classicyness: 10
Color Scheme: 9
Trend: 8
Logo/Mascot: 10
Total - 47

I gave Chicago a pass on the whole "is the mascot insensitive?" question because I honestly don't think it is.  On a 1-10 scale of insensitivity, 1 being completely non-offensive and 10 being Washington Redskins (which, in my mind, is basically the same thing as calling a team the Washington Black People...or worse), I'd put Blackhawks at a tepid 1.5.  No warrior stereotypes, no ridiculous references to skin color, just Blackhawks and a happy looking mascot with some feathers in his hair.  You can be offended if you want, I'm not. 

But here's why Chicago wins.  I gave Detroit and Montreal big points for not screwing around with alternates since their regular uniforms are so great, so for Chicago to try an alternate is a real high wire act, and they pulled it off.  Chicago's alternates were either throwbacks (which I didn't love but are clearly acceptable) or a perfect copy of their regular uniforms, only in their third color.  That's all I've been asking for this whole time, and even though Chicago dumped those alternates and went back to just two jerseys, it was great while it lasted, and that's why Chicago wins.