NHL Uniform Manifesto Part 1

Those of you who read this blog sometimes, or even just read my Facebook status updates, are familiar with my fairly strong opinions regarding hockey uniforms.  Who can explain my obsession with hockey uniforms?  Certainly not me.  I don't know why I care so much.  Uniforms in other sports make almost no impression on me.  I barely even notice baseball uniforms.  Maybe it's how the colors look against the ice.  That's a theory.

Anyway, I decided to take this strange obsession and turn it into something useful.  Maybe useful isn't the right word.  Entertaining might be a little bit of a reach.  Interesting.  I think interesting is fair.  Here's how it works.  I ranked each team's set of uniforms on a 1-10 scale in five separate categories (which I've helpfully explained below).  I then ranked all 30 teams in order of the total scores, starting at the bottom because who starts at the top?  Not me, that's who. 

First Impression: This is the most comprehensive category.  This category is about my gut reaction when I turn on a hockey game and see a team's uniforms.  This covers general visual appeal, but also my own personal reaction.  Do a team's uniforms remind me of my childhood and simpler days?  Do a team's uniforms remind me of someone who makes me smile, or someone who makes me want to punch everybody?  Has a team been fun to watch over the years? All of these things will influence a team's score in this category.

Classicyness: That's not really a word, but you understand what I'm getting at.  Is a team's uniform classic?  If a team does have a classic uniform, how much or how little have they stupidly screwed around with it over the years?  If a franchise is newer, did they take the time to design a classic-looking uniform, or are they subjecting us to some new age looking disaster?

Color Scheme: This category not only includes the colors a team uses, but how they use them.  Just because you're using a lot of orange doesn't mean you're using it correctly, OK?  I'm looking at you Philadelphia.

Trend: This is probably the most simple category, but also possibly the most important.  In what direction is a team's look trending?  Do their current uniforms look better or worse than the last version?  Is the franchise learning, or just getting worse?  Also, how often are they changing?  Some teams just need to settle down.

Logo/Mascot: Most hockey jerseys feature the team's logo and/or mascot right in the middle of the jersey, so this is a very important piece of the puzzle.  Any team that doesn't feature a logo on the jersey will be dealt with on a case by case basis.  For example, the Rangers' jerseys don't really feature a logo, but that's because the Rangers' jerseys date back to the to 30s or 40s and they were too busy dealing with nazis and polio back then to worry about logos.  So even without a logo, the Rangers will get more points in this category than, say, the Minnesota Wild, who do a have a logo on their jerseys, but it's a stupid logo because wild is a fucking adjective.

Other things to keep in mind:
-Teams are responsible for all jerseys.  For example, the Islanders' two regular jerseys would rate a 10 in more than one category.  But the Islanders don't have just two jerseys, do they?
-It wouldn't be fair to punish any one team for wearing dark jerseys at home, since the NHL makes them all do it, but just be aware that the NHL as a whole gets minus 1,000,000,000 points for this.
-Ties were broken by the classicyness category because I said so.
-30 teams made this way too long, so I'm breaking it up into 3 parts for your sanity.
-I realize that it might be better if I put pictures of the uniforms with each team so you could see what I'm talking about.  Unfortunately, I'm not great at the internet and I'm not sure how to do that.  Plus, pictures would take up a lot of space and make this even longer.  Here's a website I suggest using as a reference http://www.nhluniforms.com/

OK here we go...this was pretty fun for me.

30. Florida Panthers
First Impression: 1
Classicyness: 2
Color Scheme: 2
Trend: 3
Logo/Mascot: 2
Total - 10

Obviously we have a lot of problems here.  Florida's primary colors are a combination of red and a strange dark blue that nobody should ever have to look at.  Meanwhile, they've got perfectly good gold in their color profile that they're barely using at all.  Also, the first impression is terrible because I know Florida shouldn't have a hockey team, and it certainly shouldn't have two.  I've decided to blame the Panthers more for this than the Lightning, who we'll get to soon enough.

Florida would have done a lot worse than an already pathetic 2 in the logo/mascot category if I hadn't used the internet to find out that there are actually panthers in Florida.  Unfortunately, it seems as though there are only about 200 of them, so it's sort of like the hockey franchise is taunting the poor endangered panthers.  That's better than a completely nonsensical mascot, but not much better.

29. Anaheim Ducks
First Impression: 3
Classicyness: 2
Color Scheme: 4
Trend: 4
Logo/Mascot: 0
Total - 13

These people named their team after a movie.  I don't really know what to say about that, but suffice to say 0 was generous in the logo/mascot category.  Narrative descriptions of the Ducks' color scheme over the years include words like eggplant and jade, but I went easy on them in this category because they appear to be trying to straighten it out a little.  That's also why they did moderately well in the trend category.

It's worth mentioning that Anaheim is a perfect example of a team that needs to settle down a little bit.  The number of different uniforms this franchise has blasted through in just 20 years is unconscionable, and most of the changes haven't even been for the better. 

28. Carolina Hurricanes
First Impression: 2
Classicyness: -2
Color Scheme: 6
Trend: 4
Logo/Mascot: 4
Total - 14

I pounded Carolina in the classicyness category because they stole the Whalers from Hartford and murdered those wonderful Whalers uniforms in the process.  This could have been a lot worse, but the Whalers got a little off track with their uniforms in the five or so years before they left Connecticut, so I don't miss them as much as I should.

Too bad about the theft and murder, because I actually don't mind the Hurricanes' uniforms.  Red and black isn't the most creative color scheme ever, but it's perfectly acceptable and I like a good monochromatic home uniform as much as anybody.  Hurricanes is another team name that feels a little taunty to me, but I'll allow it for now.

27. Ottawa Senators
First Impression: 2
Classicyness: 3
Color Scheme: 5
Trend: 2
Logo/Mascot: 3
Total - 15

Ottawa's alternates cost them points all over the place.  For a while, the Senators had a perfectly acceptable black alternate that was actually better than their regular dark uniform.  Now Ottawa's alternates are some kind of stripey nightmare.  That costs you points for bad trend and improper use of color scheme.  Improper use of colors is a general problem with Ottawa, which is too bad because I like red and black as a color scheme, but the Senators just can't get it right, or even close.

You'd think I'd give Ottawa more points for logo/mascot, but you'd be wrong.  Yes, Senators makes sense for a capital city, but that logo is ugly and frightening, and also reminds you that, just like Florida, they have gold in their color profile that they refuse to use.

26. Phoenix Coyotes
First Impression: 5
Classicyness: 0
Color Scheme: 6
Trend: 3
Logo/Mascot: 4
Total - 18

I really enjoy the desert red that the Coyotes and Diamondbacks use.  Not too bright, not too dull, and the Coyotes use it generously.  Also, whenever I see the Coyotes on TV I'm immediately reminded of the awesome white outs they do during the playoffs (which made a hell of a lot more sense when the home team was wearing white). 

On the other hand, The Coyotes have a long history of atrocious alternate uniforms which have frequently included alternate logos.  Alternate logos are just ridiculous and should be immediately outlawed.  Also, Phoenix loses big points for the same reason Carolina did, stealing the Jets from Winnipeg and murdering the classic Jets uniforms everyone loved.  The only reason that score isn't lower than 0 is I don't know if the Coyotes wouldn't let the new Winnipeg franchise use the old uniforms or if the new Winnipeg franchise never asked.  If I find out they asked and Phoenix said no, this score goes to -100 and they lose forever.

25. Columbus Blue Jackets
First Impression: 3
Classicyness: 4
Color Scheme: 5
Trend: 5
Logo/Mascot: 1
Total - 18

Columbus was tough for me.  I give them credit for being a new team and taking the time to design some normal looking uniforms.  I also sort of like their new alternates, which are pretty nice, but if you're going to have a red, white and blue color scheme and your regular dark jersey is blue, shouldn't your alternate be red?  I mean, that just makes sense.

What doesn't make sense is A) having a team in Columbus in the first place and B) calling a team the Blue Jackets.  Apparently the Blue Jackets' name has something to do with the Civil War.  All that tells me is that there's nothing unique about Columbus (because every state that existed in 1860 has a Civil War history and you don't see them naming hockey teams after it) and that nothing interesting has happened in Columbus since 1865.  You can't just put a team between Cincinnati and Cleveland and expect people from both cities to instantly become fans of the team.  Does the NHL know how big Ohio is?  I once drove from Cleveland to Cincinnati.  It took like 5 hours and there's literally nothing between Columbus and Cincinnati.  This was a bad plan for an expansion team, is what I'm saying.

24. Vancouver Canucks
First Impression: 4
Classicyness: 6
Color Scheme: 5
Trend: 1
Logo/Mascot: 3
Total - 19

Vancouver should be ashamed of themselves for being the first not that new team on the list, especially since this is all about bad decisions.  I may be the only person who feels this way, but I really liked the late 80s/early 90s Canucks uniforms.  Black, red and yellow, used pretty well.  I was a fan.  Then all of a sudden they went back to their green and blue uniforms from when the team first started out.  I gave them fair classicyness points for that, but they lost major trend points for going backwards instead of forward into the colorful future.

And then there's the logo.  Apparently the whale has something to do with the Canucks' corporate overlords, but that's not my problem.  They aren't the Vancouver Whales.  I do like the hockey stick logo on the alternates, so they salvaged a few points for logo, but just a few, and I was being generous because they're Canadian.

23. Tampa Bay Lightning
First Impression: 3
Classicyness: 6
Color Scheme: 2
Trend: 2
Logo/Mascot: 7
Total - 20

Another relatively new team in uniforms that look like hockey uniforms, that's a good start.  I like the logo too.  It looks good on a jersey, and I don't know if they have a lot of lightning in Tampa, but I bet they probably do.  Either way, lightning is a cool team name. 

Unfortunately, Tampa's downward trending color scheme is a real problem.  Black, blue and white is boring to begin with, but replacing the old perfectly acceptable black uniforms with their current incredibly dull blue uniforms was a major mistake.  And don't even get me started on the alternates.  I just finished telling you how much I like your team name and now you're too lazy to write out the whole word on your alternate jerseys? 

22. Washington Capitals
First Impression: 6
Classicyness: 2
Color Scheme: 7
Trend: 4
Logo/Mascot: 3
Total - 22

Washington's trend score was a real battle for me.  On one hand, I love their relatively new throwback alternates, and the current regular uniforms are much better than the disasters the Capitals broke out in the late 90s.  Having said that, today's uniforms are still worse than Washington's classic uniforms, so the long term trend is unmistakably bad.  One extra point off for inexplicably using a darker blue than they used to, which will always cost you points with me.

I do like the color scheme, if only they would give up on the navy blue.  I also don't hate the logo as much as the logo score would suggest, but it just seems sort of lazy to me, and the font is strange too.  If they had just gone back to their regular old uniforms we wouldn't be having any of these problems.  Washington's uniforms aren't terrible, but they could be so much better and that's why they're in the bottom third.

21. Winnipeg Jets
First Impression: 6
Classicyness: 5
Color Scheme: 3
Trend: 5
Logo/Mascot: 4
Total - 23

Speaking of lazy logos, Winnipeg's jerseys feature a jet flying over a maple leaf.  A little on the nose, don't you think?  The logo looks nice on the jersey though, so it's not so bad.  And the jerseys are pretty solid for a new team.  If I knew for sure why they weren't just using the classic Jets jerseys, and if I knew it was definitely Phoenix's fault, Winnipeg would get more points for classicyness.  But I don't know those things and if I had to guess I'd say it's more likely Winnipeg never asked Phoenix because they thought they had a better idea.  They thought wrong.

First impression is obviously above average because seeing a team back in Winnipeg is fantastic.  I'm not a fan of the color scheme though.  Two different shades of blue?  Come on, Canada.  You can do better than that. 

That's it for part 1.  Stayed tuned for part 2, which will include important topics like improper use of my favorite color, my feelings about Wayne Gretzky and more complaining about darker shades of blue.