Poor Faulkner

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words? He thinks I don't know the ten dollar words.  I know them all right.  But there are older and simpler and better words, and those are the ones I use."

This sentiment from Hemingway is always appropriate for a big political speech.

This year's State of the Union comes without the usual pregame madness thanks to whatever the hell was going on in California.  I did learn that Bill O'Reilly doesn't believe in the death penalty.  Who knew?  The rest of it was mostly just video of a cabin burning down.  I'm just looking forward to the President awkwardly working this situation into his speech.

8:57PM: This is pretty fun.  The huge panels of bloviating jackasses the cable networks put together for tonight each got about three minutes to talk.  In order to understand why this is fun, you really have to understand how much these people enjoy being on television.  Don't be surprised if someone burns down a cable news studio later tonight.  Also, Blogger doesn't know how to spell bloviate.  Or maybe Blogger just noticed that I opened with that Hemingway line and is trying to point out my hypocrisy.  Listen, if I could write like Hemingway, I wouldn't need to use words like bloviate.

9:02PM: The Cabinet is very slowly and boringly making its way into the chamber.  Also, breaking news from CNN, the White House says this speech is going to be effective.  What a scoop!

9:05PM: Seriously though, I just noticed CNN has Newt Gingrich in the studio.  He's barely getting a word in.  I think his head's going to explode.  And when a head that big explodes, terrible things happen.

9:07PM: I'm starting to wonder if the President is coming.  If he knew Newt was talking on TV right now, I'm sure he'd jump in and stop it.

9:09PM: Newt's laugh is disturbingly creepy.  Oh, I miss the Republican primaries.  No Newt!  Don't go!

9:10PM: Here comes the Prez.  I keep saying they shouldn't let Biden and Boehner sit together.  They already look like they're up to something.

9:11PM: Lots of poorly executed mustaches in the crowd tonight.

9:14PM: People say Congress never does anything, but could you stand and clap for this long without a break?  Also, Biden and Obama appear to be wearing the same outfit #awkward

9:16PM: Lots of "does anyone know what Mitt Romney is doing right now?" jokes on Twitter.  Probably enjoying being filthy fucking rich and not having to deal with all this nonsense.  Mitt may have dodged a bullet in November.

9:18PM: Did you know we're buying less foreign oil than we have in 20 years?  Still quite a lot, but, you know, less.

9:18PM: "The state of our union is strong."  OK, goodnight folks.

9:19PM: Biden looks twitchy, Boehner looks pretty drunk.

9:20PM: "The American people don't expect us to solve every problem."  True, but solving one would be nice.  Just try one.

9:22PM: Apparently the sequester is a really bad idea.  Everyone seems to agree on that.  If only we could find all those people who voted to pass the sequester in the first place.  Ohhh, I bet the Prez and Mr. Boehner would like to have a word with those assholes.

9:25PM: "Already, the affordable care act is slowing the growth of health care costs."  Yeah, I'm not sure that's good enough.  Health care costs are skyrocketing on a slightly less steep trajectory.  Hooray for us!

9:27PM: We're wallowing in the deficit reduction portion of the speech right now.  The working title for this section around the White House was "all the shit that's never gonna happen".

9:29PM: In the last minute, only the Democrats have applauded for "less crises" and "paying our bills on time".  Tough crowd.

9:30PM: Biden cracks me up.  Obama just said Congress needs to pass the rest of his growth agenda, which caused Biden to laugh out loud.  I'd love to be texting with Biden right now..."Congress do something? OMFG! LOLZ!"

9:32PM: The Prez thinks we should invest in good ideas.  Also, Biden is inexplicably wearing glasses now.  Wait, now the glasses are gone.  Why is Biden doing costume changes?  Just sit still man!  VPs are the worst.

9:34PM: Obama says we can make progress on climate change while also fostering strong economic growth.  I wish he'd stop saying that.  Not everything has to make money.  When you try to pair fighting climate change with trying to make everything profitable, you get stupid ideas like cap and trade.  How about we fight climate change just for the sake of, ya know, not dying?

9:38PM: "Let's cut in half the energy wasted by our homes and businesses over the next 20 years".  Sure, why not?

9:39PM: Even the Republicans stood up and clapped for fixing bridges.  They're not going to vote for any funding for fixing bridges, but, philosophically, they like fixing bridges.

9:41PM: On passing some bill that's currently waiting in Congress.."what are we waiting for?".  Well, the Republicans are waiting for a less black President.  I'm not sure what everyone else is waiting for.

9:42PM: Obama is seamlessly transitioning from one topic to the other.  Climate change, then bridges, now education.  He's really pushing for funding for pre-school.  I don't know.  I remember pre-school mostly just being day care with some counting.

9:44PM: Apparently, German kids are ready to work right out of high school.  I probably could have worked in Germany right out of high school too.  I don't want to work in Germany.

9:45PM: Something about re-designing America's high schools.  No, not going to happen.

9:46PM: "Colleges must do their part to keep costs down".  He said that last year too.  That is definitely not going to happen.

9:47PM: Now we're on boarder security.  He's like a tornado of policy proposals.

9:49PM: The President wants Congress to send him a comprehensive immigration reform bill so he can sign it.  I'm mostly hearing that this is going to happen.  I predict the end result will be toothless and ineffective.

9:50PM: Great audience shot of some lady shaking her head in anger at the idea of equal pay for women.  It isn't easy being a Republican woman, but at least you get to hang out with all of those hot Republican guys.

9:52PM: Raise the minimum wage?  Yes please.  Well, yes please for me, no thank you for the Republicans.

9:53PM: Boehner looks super fidgety.  Someone give him a ball to play with.

9:55PM: "By the end of next year, our war in Afghanistan will be over."  Kudos if he actually pulls that off.  I'm also glad to hear that we're going to spend plenty of time training and equipping the Afghan army that we will most likely be going to war with in about 25 years.

9:58PM: Chuck Grassley may or may not be asleep.  Also, Obama has successfully conditioned the Democrats to applaud whenever he pauses, no matter what he just said.

9:59PM: Even the lady who wouldn't clap for equal pay stood up and applauded for keeping Iran from getting nuclear weapons.  I wonder if she gets equal pay?  #hmmm

10:01PM: "today's world contains not just dangers, not just threats, but also opportunities".  He added, "opportunities to be endangered and threatened".

10:02PM: Did he say AIDS free generation?  I think he did.  That's sounds like a good idea.  Let's do that one.  Someone go find out why Magic Johnson is still alive!

10:05PM: Boehner just seriously sat there and refused to applaud for equal treatment for gay military members and equal benefits for their families.  What a dick.  These guys are so funny to me sometimes that I forget that they also spend a great deal of time being assholes.

10:08PM: About Newtown and gun control..."this time it's different".  Except not really and it's been two months and Congress still hasn't done anything.  But other than that, it's much different this time.

10:11PM: Republicans won't even applaud for voting on gun control laws.  If you were honestly against something and thought it was a bad idea, wouldn't you be all for stepping up and voting against it?

10:12PM: "they deserve a vote"...best section of a State of the Union speech I can remember in a while.  Well done Prez.

10:14PM: Hey look, that old lady voted. Way to get back to the silly nonsense!  I'm sorry, I'm sure it's a very inspiring story, but these little human interest stories are always my least favorite part of this, and really, of anything.

10:16PM: And hey it's over.  Sort of crash landed there, but OK.

10:17PM: I'm going to stick around for the Marco Rubio response.  Last year Paul Ryan's response was basically just 10 different ways to propose tax cuts.  I'm not expecting much more out of Marco, but we'll see.

10:25PM: If Rubio doesn't show up soon I'm bailing.  I can't wait around forever just because he has great hair.

10:27PM: Finally, here comes Marco Rubio.  I predict I'll never have that thought again.  Before I find 15 different ways to call Marco stupid, I want to give him some honest credit for doing this.  For every guy who made a name for himself giving the State of the Union response, there's another guy who committed political suicide attempting to pull it off.  This isn't easy.

10:30PM: Right off the bat..."for much of history, people lived in societies where a tiny minority stayed at the top and nobody else had a chance".  Ummm, that seems to be where the Republicans have been trying to take us for the last 32 years.  That's a literal description of the result of Republican policies.  Not a good start buddy.

10:32PM: They should have scored Marco a podium.  He's having trouble figuring out what to do with his hands.

10:33PM: Obamacare is bad, check.  Obama is divisive, check.

10:36PM: If the President will abandon his obsession with raising taxes, the Republicans promise to continue their obsession with lowering taxes.  Deal?

10:37PM: I think Rubio is also wearing the same outfit as Obama and Biden #doubleawkward

10:38PM: Republicans don't say "school vouchers" that much anymore, but that's still what they're talking about.

10:40PM: I don't know what Republicans think the President wants to do to the rights of law abiding Americans, but I guarantee that there's nothing in the Constitution about having the right to unregulated firearms.

10:41PM: Yikes.  Rubio just stopped for a drink of water.  Clearly unplanned since he had to stop and reach out of frame to grab the bottle.  That was super awkward and probably all anyone will remember from his speech.

10:43PM: I honestly haven't been listening since that weird water break.  Rubio's sound team isn't doing him any favors either.  The words weren't especially terrible, but the stagecraft was just an atrocity.

Well, there you go.

Grammy Practice

The State of the Union address is coming up on Tuesday and, honestly, I'm rusty.  I need a tune-up, some practice, a rehearsal of sorts (see what I did there).  For a proper tune-up, I need something like the State of the Union address. Something that was probably necessary or at least useful at some point in history, but is now just a farce, a parody of itself.  Something with an audience full of preening frauds who haven't done anything useful in years.  Something so needless and hollow that you watch it and almost wonder if it's even real or if you've died without noticing and gone to a hell worse than anything you ever imagined.

What's that you say?  The Grammys are on tonight?  Perfect!

A couple of things you should know going in.  First of all, according to Twitter, which is always a reliable news source, CBS has banned boobs from the Grammy broadcast.  Thank you CBS.  Our long national nightmare of having to look at pretty girls' breasts is over.  I assume this means Katy Perry will be banned from the building tonight.

On a related topic, CBS continues to provide plenty of fighting and stabbing and shooting on all of their wonderful procedural cop dramas.  Because, obviously, people getting shot in the face is an important and totally appropriate part of our TV experience, but the female body is terrifying and obscene.

Also, I should point out that I have nothing specific against any genre of music.  Even my long-standing, and mostly unexplained, feud with country music has recently ended.  Hard to say if this is a temporary cease fire between me and country music or a more permanent peace, but we're cool for now.  I'm good with all kinds of music.  So if Kiss were to be on the show tonight (please no!) and I were to say something like "I hate Kiss so much that it makes me want to drown Gene Simmons in a pool of face make-up", you can be sure that it isn't because I hate whatever type of music Kiss is supposed to be, but rather it's because that specific band sucks and everyone with ears knows it.

OK, let's get started.

8:01PM: Kudos to CBS for finding a way to slip everyone on every CBS show into the Grammys.

8:03PM: Taylor Swift is opening the show with something that I really don't have any words for.  I'll give her this, she seems to be having fun.  Hey, is Taylor Swift attractive?  I honestly can't tell.  She seems sort of awkwardly tall to me, but people on TV always seem taller than they are.  I'm stumped.

8:05PM: Speaking of people on CBS shows and procedural cop dramas, it's LL Cool J!  He's hosting tonight, and he's wearing a silly little hat too.  How fun for him.

8:08PM: LL says he's won two Grammys "so far".  In other news, Mike Tyson has won 50 professional fights, ya know, so far. #youneverknow #butyoukindofdo

8:10PM: Here come Elton John and some guy I've never heard of.  The guy I've never heard of is either freakishly large or playing a very small guitar.  I always think I'm not a fan of Elton John, but then I start listing Elton John songs that are exceptions (Rocket Man, Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters, Tiny Dancer...) and I start to think maybe I am a fan of Elton John.  Life is complicated sometimes.

8:15PM: Target commercials have really gone off the rails.

8:20PM: First award: Solo pop performance.  Adele won.  I don't really know that song, but I know Rihanna was nominated and whenever Rihanna is nominated I'm in her corner.  Also, there's nothing that doesn't sound ridiculous in a British accent.  I don't know what Adele said, but as far as I could tell, it was all just silly British gibberish.

8:23PM: I can't say I'm impressed with Fun.  There's a girl on stage with them playing an acoustic guitar.  Is she part of the band or did she just wander out there?

8:25PM: OK, Fun. salvaged their performance by making it rain on them at the end.  That was pretty cool and I liked it.  Also, the song they played sounded a lot like Rod Stewart's Rhythm of My Heart.  I'm OK with ripping off Rod Stewart, I just wanted to point it out.

8:27PM: One difference between the Grammys and the State of the Union...the Grammys are drowning in commercials, and they are all terrible.

8:32PM: First shot of Katy Perry in the crowd.  She obviously didn't get the "no boobs" memo.  The internet tells me that they showed her because current presenter John Mayer is dating her.  As always, fuck John Mayer.

8:33PM: Country performance; Miranda Lambert and Dierks Bentley.  I don't know if Dierks Bentley is a whole band or just a guy.  I'm still adjusting to the whole not hating country music thing.  Some guy just strolled out to join Miranda for the second verse, I'm going to assume that's Dierks.  Some guy behind them is playing a cello.  I'm glad to see the Grammys got my "more cellos" note from last year.

8:36PM: There have to be at least four guitars on stage right now.  This song isn't that complicated.

8:39PM: Throwback video of LL from, I'm going to say, 1961.  Nice to see he hasn't become any less ridiculous since then.

8:40PM: I don't know who these two guys are, but they are awful.  The first guy started out playing a keyboard, but it kept playing after he walked away from it.  The other guy took a full minute before contributing anything other than "yeah" and "uh".  Also, that whole two minute performance was just the introduction for the Grammy for best country performance.  Um, what?

8:43PM: Carrie Underwood won that award.  She must also be confused at the introduction it got, everyone must be.  Anyway, I've heard all five of those nominated country songs at various times on Pandora in my office this year and Carrie deserved the win.

8:47PM: Without the commercials, the Grammys would only be 22 minutes long.

8:51PM: Third award (in 51 minutes, on what is supposed to be an awards show): Song of the Year: We Are Young by Fun.  Man, I do not like that song.  One guy from Fun thanked Jay-Z.  Jay did not look amused.

8:54PM: The Mumford and Sons guy appears to be playing a guitar and a bass drum while also singing.  Extra points there.  Also, I'm pretty sure Johnny Depp had no idea where he was just then.

9:01PM: No thank you to all of your new shows CBS.

9:03PM: I'm not a huge fan of Beyonce.  Just sayin'.  Having said that, Beyonce looked genuinely uncomfortable trying to interact with Ellen, and that was hilarious.

9:05PM: Justin Timberlake should have quit while he was ahead.

9:06PM: When Jay-Z wanders out of the audience to start rapping with you, you don't stop him.  I'm just glad he's performing with Timberlake and not murdering that guy from Fun.  Anyway, Justin may want to stick to acting at this point.

9:11PM: Next award: Best Urban Contemporary Album.  I stopped paying attention to who won for a second and started wondering why Chris Brown isn't in jail.  Frank Ocean won, he said he wanted to picture the crowd as kids in tuxedos being fancy.  Didn't get a laugh from the audience, but they're mostly idiots and it was funny.  I don't really know who Frank Ocean is, but anyone who beats Chris Brown is cool with me.

9:20PM: Dave Grohl is plugging his documentary about Sound City while also introducing the winner for best rock performance.  Winner: Lonely Boy by the Black Keys.

9:22PM: Maroon 5 and Alicia Keys performing together.  Yeah, I never really liked Maroon 5.  I'm kind of disappointed they haven't broken up yet.

9:26PM: Honestly, Maroon 5 is ruining this Alicia Keys performance.

9:28PM: Either every Kelly Clarkson song sounds the same or she's being nominated for an album she released six years ago.

9:29PM: Best Pop Vocal Album: The album Kelly Clarkson released six years ago.

9:31PM: I feel like I've been watching the Grammys for four years.  Now I remember why I never bother with award shows.  This is awful.

9:36PM: Who is this Russell Brand looking guy interrupting Rihanna?  Don't they have security to tackle him?

9:40PM: How do they come up with these pairs to introduce awards?  They must just be picking names out of a hat.

9:41PM: Next award, Best Rap/Sung Collaboration: Jay-Z and some other people won, but not Rihanna.  But then here's Frank Ocean again.  So far Rihanna and Frank Ocean are the clear highlights here.

9:49PM: No CBS, I will not watch 2 Broke Girls.  I don't care how many times you ask.

9:50PM: We get it Black Keys, you're super hip with your jazz band and your weird guy dressed like George Clinton on the keyboard or whatever it is he's playing.  How about next time you just show up and play a song?

9:55PM: I always hate these lifetime achievement award parts.  Especially when they involve Kelly Clarkson.

9:57PM: That award for Best Country Album just sort of snuck up on me.  Zac Brown Band won that award, as well as the award for best beard/hat combo.

10:03PM: Is CBS trying to peer pressure me into watching CBS?  "Come on, everyone else is watching CBS...come on"

10:05PM: I just have to be honest and say I was never that into Bob Marley.

10:07PM: What percentage of Bruno Mars fans would you guess know who Sting is?  It has to be under 50% right?

10:11PM: I think we've officially lost control of this Bob Marley tribute.

10:17PM: OK, there was a lot going on there.  Quick recap.  Bruno Mars and Rihanna killed it.  Sting was sort of OK which is much better than I usually think Sting is.  Ziggy and Damian Marley I could take or leave.

10:18PM: See Black Keys, look at the Lumineers.  They just showed up with their instruments and played their little song.  How hard is that?

10:21PM: Speaking of people who brought way too many musicians with them, it's Jack White!  Remember when Jack White was in a band with literally one other person.  Wasn't life better then?

10:26PM: Katy Perry is presenting the Best New Artist award.  Fun. won again.  I still don't like them, nor do I have anything else appropriate, funny or constructive to say about Katy Perry.  I've used up my allotment of boob jokes.  Let's just move on.

10:34PM: I've heard this Hunter Hayes song in my office probably 20 times this year, if you had asked me to guess what he looks like, I definitely would have been way off.  Anyway, he was just introducing Carrie Underwood.

10:39PM: Carrie Underwood can clearly sing, but the whole performance really didn't do much for me.  A little too much with the visual effects I think.  Also, more superfluous musicians.

10:40PM: Hey, Prince is still alive.  Good for him.

10:41PM: Prince presented Record of the Year to Gotye for Somebody That I Used to Know.  I'm not gonna lie, that shit is catchy.

10:43PM: How would you describe Prince's outfit.  Fabulous homeless man?  Unibomber? Does anyone know if Prince actually needs a cane or if it was just an accessory?  And what is Prince doing with his time these days?  So many questions.

10:46PM: Ooohhh, the dead people part is coming up.  Always one of my favorites.

10:53PM: I'm super bored with this tribute to music teachers.  I know music teachers are important and kids should all learn music, but maybe you'd drive that point home a little better if you found a way to not make the music teachers portion the worst five minutes of the show.

10:57PM: Man, there are A LOT of people on stage right now.  I'm pretty sure the audience is all seat fillers right now.  Seat fillers and Chris Brown.

11:02PM: Hey, do you think the Rolling Stones watch the in memoriam part of the Grammys every year just to make sure they didn't die without noticing?

11:10PM: This guy appears to be singing in Spanish.  Wait no, now he's singing in English again.  Also, he may or may not be Christian Bale.  There's a lot going on right now.  Spanish Christian Bale was just introducing Frank Ocean.

11:13PM: I don't understand a lot of what's happening right now with this Frank Ocean performance, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's bad.

11:15PM: Adele is presenting Album of the Year.  Mumford and Sons.  I would have gone with Jack White, but at least Fun. didn't win.  Apparently Mumford and Sons is British.  I did not know that.  My whole world is upside down right now.  Well, at least the part of my world that has to do with Mumford and Sons.

11:23PM: We appear to be coming up on an LL Cool J performance.  Am I supposed to be excited about this?  I was around when LL was a rapper, I don't remember it being that great.  Travis Barker on the drums is always worth a listen though.  Tom Morello on guitar too.  In fact, LL is really the only not exciting part of what's happening right now.  Calling this an LL Cool J performance would be like calling a Beatles reunion a Ringo Starr performance.

11:28PM: They're definitely cutting LL off.  Kind of a weird way to finish, but OK.