Grammy Practice

The State of the Union address is coming up on Tuesday and, honestly, I'm rusty.  I need a tune-up, some practice, a rehearsal of sorts (see what I did there).  For a proper tune-up, I need something like the State of the Union address. Something that was probably necessary or at least useful at some point in history, but is now just a farce, a parody of itself.  Something with an audience full of preening frauds who haven't done anything useful in years.  Something so needless and hollow that you watch it and almost wonder if it's even real or if you've died without noticing and gone to a hell worse than anything you ever imagined.

What's that you say?  The Grammys are on tonight?  Perfect!

A couple of things you should know going in.  First of all, according to Twitter, which is always a reliable news source, CBS has banned boobs from the Grammy broadcast.  Thank you CBS.  Our long national nightmare of having to look at pretty girls' breasts is over.  I assume this means Katy Perry will be banned from the building tonight.

On a related topic, CBS continues to provide plenty of fighting and stabbing and shooting on all of their wonderful procedural cop dramas.  Because, obviously, people getting shot in the face is an important and totally appropriate part of our TV experience, but the female body is terrifying and obscene.

Also, I should point out that I have nothing specific against any genre of music.  Even my long-standing, and mostly unexplained, feud with country music has recently ended.  Hard to say if this is a temporary cease fire between me and country music or a more permanent peace, but we're cool for now.  I'm good with all kinds of music.  So if Kiss were to be on the show tonight (please no!) and I were to say something like "I hate Kiss so much that it makes me want to drown Gene Simmons in a pool of face make-up", you can be sure that it isn't because I hate whatever type of music Kiss is supposed to be, but rather it's because that specific band sucks and everyone with ears knows it.

OK, let's get started.

8:01PM: Kudos to CBS for finding a way to slip everyone on every CBS show into the Grammys.

8:03PM: Taylor Swift is opening the show with something that I really don't have any words for.  I'll give her this, she seems to be having fun.  Hey, is Taylor Swift attractive?  I honestly can't tell.  She seems sort of awkwardly tall to me, but people on TV always seem taller than they are.  I'm stumped.

8:05PM: Speaking of people on CBS shows and procedural cop dramas, it's LL Cool J!  He's hosting tonight, and he's wearing a silly little hat too.  How fun for him.

8:08PM: LL says he's won two Grammys "so far".  In other news, Mike Tyson has won 50 professional fights, ya know, so far. #youneverknow #butyoukindofdo

8:10PM: Here come Elton John and some guy I've never heard of.  The guy I've never heard of is either freakishly large or playing a very small guitar.  I always think I'm not a fan of Elton John, but then I start listing Elton John songs that are exceptions (Rocket Man, Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters, Tiny Dancer...) and I start to think maybe I am a fan of Elton John.  Life is complicated sometimes.

8:15PM: Target commercials have really gone off the rails.

8:20PM: First award: Solo pop performance.  Adele won.  I don't really know that song, but I know Rihanna was nominated and whenever Rihanna is nominated I'm in her corner.  Also, there's nothing that doesn't sound ridiculous in a British accent.  I don't know what Adele said, but as far as I could tell, it was all just silly British gibberish.

8:23PM: I can't say I'm impressed with Fun.  There's a girl on stage with them playing an acoustic guitar.  Is she part of the band or did she just wander out there?

8:25PM: OK, Fun. salvaged their performance by making it rain on them at the end.  That was pretty cool and I liked it.  Also, the song they played sounded a lot like Rod Stewart's Rhythm of My Heart.  I'm OK with ripping off Rod Stewart, I just wanted to point it out.

8:27PM: One difference between the Grammys and the State of the Union...the Grammys are drowning in commercials, and they are all terrible.

8:32PM: First shot of Katy Perry in the crowd.  She obviously didn't get the "no boobs" memo.  The internet tells me that they showed her because current presenter John Mayer is dating her.  As always, fuck John Mayer.

8:33PM: Country performance; Miranda Lambert and Dierks Bentley.  I don't know if Dierks Bentley is a whole band or just a guy.  I'm still adjusting to the whole not hating country music thing.  Some guy just strolled out to join Miranda for the second verse, I'm going to assume that's Dierks.  Some guy behind them is playing a cello.  I'm glad to see the Grammys got my "more cellos" note from last year.

8:36PM: There have to be at least four guitars on stage right now.  This song isn't that complicated.

8:39PM: Throwback video of LL from, I'm going to say, 1961.  Nice to see he hasn't become any less ridiculous since then.

8:40PM: I don't know who these two guys are, but they are awful.  The first guy started out playing a keyboard, but it kept playing after he walked away from it.  The other guy took a full minute before contributing anything other than "yeah" and "uh".  Also, that whole two minute performance was just the introduction for the Grammy for best country performance.  Um, what?

8:43PM: Carrie Underwood won that award.  She must also be confused at the introduction it got, everyone must be.  Anyway, I've heard all five of those nominated country songs at various times on Pandora in my office this year and Carrie deserved the win.

8:47PM: Without the commercials, the Grammys would only be 22 minutes long.

8:51PM: Third award (in 51 minutes, on what is supposed to be an awards show): Song of the Year: We Are Young by Fun.  Man, I do not like that song.  One guy from Fun thanked Jay-Z.  Jay did not look amused.

8:54PM: The Mumford and Sons guy appears to be playing a guitar and a bass drum while also singing.  Extra points there.  Also, I'm pretty sure Johnny Depp had no idea where he was just then.

9:01PM: No thank you to all of your new shows CBS.

9:03PM: I'm not a huge fan of Beyonce.  Just sayin'.  Having said that, Beyonce looked genuinely uncomfortable trying to interact with Ellen, and that was hilarious.

9:05PM: Justin Timberlake should have quit while he was ahead.

9:06PM: When Jay-Z wanders out of the audience to start rapping with you, you don't stop him.  I'm just glad he's performing with Timberlake and not murdering that guy from Fun.  Anyway, Justin may want to stick to acting at this point.

9:11PM: Next award: Best Urban Contemporary Album.  I stopped paying attention to who won for a second and started wondering why Chris Brown isn't in jail.  Frank Ocean won, he said he wanted to picture the crowd as kids in tuxedos being fancy.  Didn't get a laugh from the audience, but they're mostly idiots and it was funny.  I don't really know who Frank Ocean is, but anyone who beats Chris Brown is cool with me.

9:20PM: Dave Grohl is plugging his documentary about Sound City while also introducing the winner for best rock performance.  Winner: Lonely Boy by the Black Keys.

9:22PM: Maroon 5 and Alicia Keys performing together.  Yeah, I never really liked Maroon 5.  I'm kind of disappointed they haven't broken up yet.

9:26PM: Honestly, Maroon 5 is ruining this Alicia Keys performance.

9:28PM: Either every Kelly Clarkson song sounds the same or she's being nominated for an album she released six years ago.

9:29PM: Best Pop Vocal Album: The album Kelly Clarkson released six years ago.

9:31PM: I feel like I've been watching the Grammys for four years.  Now I remember why I never bother with award shows.  This is awful.

9:36PM: Who is this Russell Brand looking guy interrupting Rihanna?  Don't they have security to tackle him?

9:40PM: How do they come up with these pairs to introduce awards?  They must just be picking names out of a hat.

9:41PM: Next award, Best Rap/Sung Collaboration: Jay-Z and some other people won, but not Rihanna.  But then here's Frank Ocean again.  So far Rihanna and Frank Ocean are the clear highlights here.

9:49PM: No CBS, I will not watch 2 Broke Girls.  I don't care how many times you ask.

9:50PM: We get it Black Keys, you're super hip with your jazz band and your weird guy dressed like George Clinton on the keyboard or whatever it is he's playing.  How about next time you just show up and play a song?

9:55PM: I always hate these lifetime achievement award parts.  Especially when they involve Kelly Clarkson.

9:57PM: That award for Best Country Album just sort of snuck up on me.  Zac Brown Band won that award, as well as the award for best beard/hat combo.

10:03PM: Is CBS trying to peer pressure me into watching CBS?  "Come on, everyone else is watching CBS...come on"

10:05PM: I just have to be honest and say I was never that into Bob Marley.

10:07PM: What percentage of Bruno Mars fans would you guess know who Sting is?  It has to be under 50% right?

10:11PM: I think we've officially lost control of this Bob Marley tribute.

10:17PM: OK, there was a lot going on there.  Quick recap.  Bruno Mars and Rihanna killed it.  Sting was sort of OK which is much better than I usually think Sting is.  Ziggy and Damian Marley I could take or leave.

10:18PM: See Black Keys, look at the Lumineers.  They just showed up with their instruments and played their little song.  How hard is that?

10:21PM: Speaking of people who brought way too many musicians with them, it's Jack White!  Remember when Jack White was in a band with literally one other person.  Wasn't life better then?

10:26PM: Katy Perry is presenting the Best New Artist award.  Fun. won again.  I still don't like them, nor do I have anything else appropriate, funny or constructive to say about Katy Perry.  I've used up my allotment of boob jokes.  Let's just move on.

10:34PM: I've heard this Hunter Hayes song in my office probably 20 times this year, if you had asked me to guess what he looks like, I definitely would have been way off.  Anyway, he was just introducing Carrie Underwood.

10:39PM: Carrie Underwood can clearly sing, but the whole performance really didn't do much for me.  A little too much with the visual effects I think.  Also, more superfluous musicians.

10:40PM: Hey, Prince is still alive.  Good for him.

10:41PM: Prince presented Record of the Year to Gotye for Somebody That I Used to Know.  I'm not gonna lie, that shit is catchy.

10:43PM: How would you describe Prince's outfit.  Fabulous homeless man?  Unibomber? Does anyone know if Prince actually needs a cane or if it was just an accessory?  And what is Prince doing with his time these days?  So many questions.

10:46PM: Ooohhh, the dead people part is coming up.  Always one of my favorites.

10:53PM: I'm super bored with this tribute to music teachers.  I know music teachers are important and kids should all learn music, but maybe you'd drive that point home a little better if you found a way to not make the music teachers portion the worst five minutes of the show.

10:57PM: Man, there are A LOT of people on stage right now.  I'm pretty sure the audience is all seat fillers right now.  Seat fillers and Chris Brown.

11:02PM: Hey, do you think the Rolling Stones watch the in memoriam part of the Grammys every year just to make sure they didn't die without noticing?

11:10PM: This guy appears to be singing in Spanish.  Wait no, now he's singing in English again.  Also, he may or may not be Christian Bale.  There's a lot going on right now.  Spanish Christian Bale was just introducing Frank Ocean.

11:13PM: I don't understand a lot of what's happening right now with this Frank Ocean performance, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's bad.

11:15PM: Adele is presenting Album of the Year.  Mumford and Sons.  I would have gone with Jack White, but at least Fun. didn't win.  Apparently Mumford and Sons is British.  I did not know that.  My whole world is upside down right now.  Well, at least the part of my world that has to do with Mumford and Sons.

11:23PM: We appear to be coming up on an LL Cool J performance.  Am I supposed to be excited about this?  I was around when LL was a rapper, I don't remember it being that great.  Travis Barker on the drums is always worth a listen though.  Tom Morello on guitar too.  In fact, LL is really the only not exciting part of what's happening right now.  Calling this an LL Cool J performance would be like calling a Beatles reunion a Ringo Starr performance.

11:28PM: They're definitely cutting LL off.  Kind of a weird way to finish, but OK.