Where's Jeb?

Last weekend we bid a sad farewell to Jeb Bush.  Sad isn't really the right word.  Last week we bid an underwhelmed farewell to Jeb Bush.  What happened to Jeb isn't as much of a mystery as people seem to think.  Like Mitt Romney and John Kerry and Al Gore, Jeb was yet another example of what happens if you give a candidate every possible advantage except a personality.

Jeb's campaign was like buying a box of 64 crayons and then opening them to find out that you've got 64 white crayons.  It's worse than boring.  64 red crayons is boring, 64 white crayons is boring and pointless.

That said, Jeb was at least moderately reasonable sometimes and tried to run a campaign that wasn't completely based on insults and yelling.  In a Democracy, we get the leadership we deserve.  If we're really stupid enough to elect Donald Trump, then that's what we deserve. 

On that cheery note, it's time for another debate.  I don't consider town halls real debates, so I haven't done one of these in a little while.  Tonight's debate is being hosted by CNN.  CNN is the absolute worst, and the non-Trump guys on the stage are getting desperate, and also we're in Texas, so this should be a debacle.

8:33PM: Bush 41 and Barbara Bush are in the house.  I assume they were always planning to attend this one, which makes Jeb's recent exit extra depressing.  Bush 41 doesn't look so good, but I assume that's what comes with watching your son fail at presidenting for eight years.

8:35PM: We're starting things off with the national anthem because Rubio and Cruz have recently been saying that this isn't a game and CNN says screw you to that bullshit.

8:40PM: CNN is now in the middle of five minutes of commercials they're running before the debate even starts.  When we finally got back Blitzer explained the rules of debates to us because this isn't the 50th debate we've had in the last 4 months.

8:43PM: Carson said they all need to be looking for solutions tonight instead of destroying each other.  What is Carson still doing here?  Does he not get cable?  Has he not heard that he's finished?

8:44PM: Kasich started the debate by telling young people that they can do whatever they want.  Sometimes I feel like Kasich is participating in a completely different campaign than everybody else.

8:45PM: Cruz says as President he'll do what he says he'll do.  That's 100% true.  He's a maniac and as President he'll do maniac things.

8:46PM: Blitzer, because he hates all of us, has decided to start right in on immigration.  If I could set Wolf's beard on fire with my mind right now, I would.

8:47PM: As Trump rambles through an answer about immigration, I'm struck by the fact that Trump seems so unfamiliar with even his own policies.  You listen to a guy like Ben Carson talk about foreign policy, and you can tell he's still learning and being sort of vague about stuff, and that makes sense because he has no experience in that area.  Trump sounds that way when he's talking about his own positions.  It's bizarre.

8:50PM: Rubio was kind enough to basically make my point for me, and then he followed up by hammering Trump on hiring immigrants instead of Americans.  Trump responded by saying it was too hot for Americans to work in Florida so that's why he had to hire immigrants.

8:52PM: Trump just spent 30 seconds randomly attacking Mitt Romney.  It's so strange to me that people can watch him talk and think "Yeah, that's my guy".

8:53PM: Rubio wants us to google Trump + Polish workers, so you should probably do that.  Trump's response about hiring immigrants is that he's the only one on the stage who's ever hired anyone.  These other guys have staffs, right?

8:55PM: Cruz says he was obstructing immigration reform in Congress while Trump was firing Dennis Rodman on TV.  Zing!

8:56PM: Every time a debate crowd boos Trump or cheers someone else, Trump accuses the crowd of being full of lobbyists.  I'm 100% sure Trump doesn't know what a lobbyist is.

8:57PM: Cruz, as he sometimes does and it terrifies me, just made a really good point.  Trump's insatiable need to be liked isn't exactly a great quality for a President, who often has to do things that people don't like.

8:58PM: Kasich gets to talk for a minute while Cruz and Rubio reload.

9:00PM: Ben thinks everything we do should be fair because he's running for President of kindergarten.  Honestly, I got bored while Ben was talking and checked my email.

9:02PM: Wolf asked Trump how he's going to get Mexico to pay for the wall since they're definitely not going to do that.  Trumps answer was, and I swear this is true, "I will, and it just got 10 feet taller".  Also, the wall in Trump's head is really tall.  Larger than whatever building they're in.  I mean, honestly, I'd love to see it.

9:04PM: Rubio just said Trump would use illegal immigrant labor to build the wall, and then accused him of wearing ties and suits made in China and Mexico.  Rubes is on fire, adding, when Trump said Rubio doesn't know anything about business, "I don't know anything about bankrupting four companies".  Then he said if Trump didn't inherit 200 million dollars he'd be selling watches in Manhattan.  Marco Bomaye!  Marco Bomaye!

9:08PM: More immigration talk.  Ya know, after years of trial and error, I've discovered that cheeseburgers don't give me heartburn, but almost everything else does.  That seems odd.  Should I be concerned about that?

9:11PM: Cruz has a habit of calling other people politicians as if he's some kind of farmer or something.

9:12PM: One of the moderators just asked Cruz why him and Rubio spend so much time arguing over who's going to be tougher on immigrants.  Cruz somehow wandered into a speech about judeo-christian values and dish washing.

9:14PM: Rubio said what a lot of Republicans say, that Latinos care about more than just  immigration.  Republicans aren't failing with Latinos because of some policy disagreement.  Republicans are failing with Latinos because Republicans have been weaponizing racism by using the issue of immigration as a bludgeon and Latinos are understandably offended by being the target of that weaponized racism.

9:16PM: I'm getting a little tired of Kasich's Mr. Nice Guy act.

9:19PM: Trump started his answer by saying that he doesn't believe anything Telemundo says.  Then he said he's bringing Latinos into the Republican party, and then he said he loves Telemundo, and then he said Telemundo is fine.  Then he said he settled his lawsuit with Univision.  Watching Trump talk is like watching a circus that all the humans have abandoned so the animals are just sort of wandering around and eating stuff.

9:22PM: Cruz says that one more liberal justice would erase the 2nd amendment.  Justices don't get to just erase stuff in the Constitution.  I'm sure about that, I checked.

9:23PM: Hugh Hewitt says religious liberty keeps him up at night.  Me too, but probably for different reasons.  Hugh is one of those people who has fever dreams about churches all crumbling down as soon as Hobby Lobby has to let a female employee get birth control.

9:26PM: Trump says Cruz needs to apologize for criticizing Trump's sister, who is apparently a judge.  Then Cruz accused Trump of implying that Cruz is a "crazy zealot" and Trump responded by asking Cruz if he was calling himself a crazy zealot.  I think Cruz needs a minute to recover.

9:30PM: Trump says he's OK with funding Planned Parenthood as long as they don't do abortions.  After Trump effectively stops Planned Parenthood from performing abortions, I predict he'll open his own chain of classy, gold-plated abortion clinics.

9:30PM: Kasich on same sex marriage, "the court has ruled and I've moved on".  Then he said if you own a business you need to sell stuff to everybody.  This is what passes as tolerant for Republicans, "I don't think gay people should have rights, but I'm not going to get all mad about it".

9:34PM: Rubio actually has something that sounds like a plan to replace Obamacare.  It was vague and poorly thought out, but still, Trump's plan is just "something much better".

9:35PM: Trump said the insurance companies are making a fortune and it's not Ben's fault or Kasich's, but he's not mentioning any names specifically.  His basic point though, was that Obamacare was a huge gift to insurance companies, which I said like 6 years ago and is sadly true.

9:37PM: Rubio has a habit of making my points about Trump for me.  Trump says Rubio's biggest problem is that he doesn't understand the imaginary lines around states that Trump is talking about.  Trump rambled a little more about lines and about different plans, to which Rubio said "now he's repeating himself".  The crowd laughed and cheered for about a minute.  Rubio then went into a stand-up routine in which he mocked Trump's stump speech.  Rubio is in charge right now.

9:40PM: Kasich says hospital bills are harder to translate then the dead sea scrolls.  One guy in the audience loved that reference.  I'm starting to zero in on why Kasich isn't winning.  When he's not talking about how nice he is and how 12 year old girls don't like yelling, his policy answers are very jargony and they sort of go over everyone's head.

9:43PM: Ben says health care is not a right, but it is a responsibility for society.  How is it that the right to life people don't believe that staying alive is a right?  I wish one of these CNN people would ask that question.  Where's Anderson Cooper when you need him?

9:45PM: Blitzer keeps trying to interrupt Ben because Ben is way over his time, but Ben's just like "look, health care is the only thing I know about and I'm going to talk as long as I want".  Then Blitzer tried to move on and Cruz asked if he can talk for a while.  Blitzer tried to stop him for a second but then just gave up and let him talk.  If I had set Blitzer's beard on fire an hour ago we wouldn't be listening to Ted Cruz talk right now.

9:48PM: Cruz is now badgering Trump on health care.  Rubio and Cruz are standing on either side of Trump and just hammering him on everything.  It's really fun, but also instructive.  Trump, for all his bluster, is a lightweight intellect who doesn't know anything about governing, and he can't actually win debates against people who do this for a living, like say, Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders.

9:51PM: Trump says he'll balance the budget by cutting waste, fraud and abuse.  Candidates say that every year and it means they have no idea how to balance the budget.  Nobody has ever actually balanced a budget just by cutting waste, fraud and abuse.

9:53PM: Why won't Kasich just say "No, Donald's budget plan won't work because he has no idea what he's talking about"?  I've really soured on Kasich lately.  If he doesn't want to win, why should I want him to win?

9:56PM: Trump says Mitt Romney's late disclosure of his tax returns cost him "bigly".  Trump doesn't speak English so goodly.

9:57PM: Hugh Hewitt tried to ask Trump if he was lying when he said he'd release his tax returns.  Trump responded by insulting Hugh's ratings.  Rubio wisely took his time on the tax return question to talk about an actual important thing.  Hugh Hewitt really wants to talk about tax returns though.

9:59PM: Cruz is talking about how Trump can't beat Hillary but Cruz can.  I'm pretty sure neither of them can.

10:01PM: Trump says he's beating Cruz so badly in polls that it's embarrassing for Trump.  He even brags like a seven year old.

10:04PM: Trump says it's unfair that he's being audited because his company is so big.  For a guy who supposedly wins so much, he whines a lot.

10:09PM: Trump says he's a friend of Israel because he once was the grand marshal of a Israeli day parade.  I once went to a St. Patrick's Day parade.  Can I be ambassador to Ireland?

10:11PM: Trump made a good point about how you can't really broker peace for Israel if you're not seen as somewhat neutral.  Cruz gives no fucks about that.

10:14PM: Rubio also agrees that neutrality is overrated and I guess peace is too because Rubio seems to believe it isn't possible.

10:15PM: Rubio says Trump will maybe bring condos to the Palestinian areas.  Rubio brought all the zingers tonight and the crowd loves them.

10:16PM: I've always said Kasich is a sneaky hawk and now he's proving my point by talking about regime change in North Korea.  I think Kasich might want to invade North Korea.  That sounds like a bad plan.  Blitzer asked him specifically if he would risk war for regime change and Kasich said it depends.  Yikes.

10:18PM: Blitzer keeps talking about the rules but one of the rules seems to be that Trump gets to talk as long as he wants about whatever he wants whenever he raises his hand.

10:20PM: Carson was asked about North Korea and answered by complaining about how much time he's had to talk tonight.  My impulse is to complain about why Ben is still here, but to be honest, I'm just happy Carly Fiorina's gone so I'll take the win and move on.

10:22PM: Ben Carson's tie tonight defies description.  It's like somebody wrapped two ties around each other.

10:23PM: Apparently there's been a cease fire in Syria for about 22 hours and Trump is already sure it isn't working.  Cruz at least summoned the humanity to say that he hopes it works.

10:25PM: Trump says he gave checks to George W. Bush and John Kerry in 2004.  Principles!

10:26PM: Rubio says Trump is asking to be Commander in Chief.  I would say he's closer to demanding it, but whatever.

10:27PM: Trump keeps saying he'll get other countries to pay us more to have our troops there.  Does Trump have some kind of magic way to extract money from other countries?  This is such a bizarre claim and he makes it all the time.

10:29PM: Trump just called Rubio a choke artist and Cruz a liar.  They get to respond but first Kasich's going to talk a little.  He just gave us a Libya geography lesson.  They have a lot of desert.

10:32PM: Trump and Cruz are now arguing about whose pants are on fire.  Trump also, once again, asserted that anyone who cheers for anyone but him is a lobbyist.  Rubio is wisely staying out of it for a minute.

10:34PM: Ben is trying to say that his name was mentioned, I honestly don't think it was.  Ben's getting a little desperate.  Blitzer is useless.

10:36PM: Rubio is pretty agitated explaining what the FBI wants Apple to do.  He finished by saying that Apple's brand is not more important than national security.  Everybody seems to agree that Apple should do what the FBI wants them to do.  I get the sense that Apple is making a slippery slope argument, and I always hate those.

10:39PM: Kasich is openly advocating for backroom deals to settle arguments about national security and privacy.  I feel like that's not really what we want.

10:40PM: Question to Trump...why not build a Canada wall?  I'm surprised he had the discipline to stop himself from promising to build the best Canada wall ever.  He once again mentioned that his Mexico wall is going to be very tall.  I'm so interested in this now.  How tall is very tall?  Like 100 feet?  Do you think we could get Trump to build us a scale model just for fun?

Closing Statements:

Dr. Ben - Ben seemed to be plugging the movie they made about him.  Let's just move on.
Kasich - Experience matters and also he recently won a poll against Hillary Clinton.  Unfortunately, Republicans seem to have no interest in voting for John.
Rubio - Marco says this campaign has come a long way.  It's basically March and there's still five of you.  You haven't come far enough yet.
Ted - Ted promises that he'll continue to not do anything and fight against anyone who tries.
Trumpster - Trump says politicians are all talk and no action.  Why is Trump completely orange except for the skin around his eyes?

OK, that's it.  Super Tuesday is next week and Trump is probably going to win a bunch of states and then there's really nothing we can do about him, so that'll be fun.