Untitled Lance Armstrong Thing

OK, I can't think of a title for this post and I'm tired of trying.  I'm going to start reading A Farewell to Arms again soon, maybe it'll help inspire me.  Anyway...

Did you hear that Lance Armstrong supposedly confessed his use of performance enhancers to Oprah?  That's right! The worst kept secret in the history of sports, the shocking truth that you've already pretty much known for ten years, will be revealed on a channel you probably couldn't find on your TV even if you wanted to.  Get excited!

I'll be honest and say that I've never really liked Lance.  He always seemed like kind of a tool.  And you couldn't even call him a tool because people would be like "hey jerk! look at all that money he raised for cancer", and then you feel shame.  But I'm on Lance's side here.  Let's be clear about what happened.

First, Lance got cancer and everyone said he was going to die.  Then, instead of dying, he won the Tour de France seven times.  Then, he raised half a billion dollars for cancer research.  That's billion with a B, as in, holy fucking shit that guy raised half a Billion dollars for cancer research! And now, we're about to find out that he cheated at riding his bike.

And now I'm supposed to think he's a bad guy and he betrayed everyone and fuck him?  Are you fucking kidding me?  They couldn't even give away some of his Tour de France titles because all the other guys were cheating too.  You try to ride your bike around the alps without drugs sometime and see how it goes.  Do you want to be buried in Europe or would you like us to fly your body back to the States?

I heard a guy on ESPN today compare Armstrong to Joe Paterno.  Seriously?  Joe Paterno employed a guy who sexually assaulted children right under his nose.  I heard a guy on the radio today compare Armstrong to OJ Simpson.  OJ SIMPSON!!! OJ Simpson murdered two people!  Lance Armstrong cheated at bike riding.  What the fuck is wrong with you morons?

(Yes, I admit that, outside of New York, sports talk radio is always awful.  Sometimes, on the ride home, I listen to this crazy Jesus freak just for laughs, or sometimes I just listen to static.  They're both better than listening to local sports radio talk about minor league basketball and high school golf.  So it's not the best example of what people might actually be saying.  But still, morons.)

Yes, Lance is a bully and kind of a dick, just like every other great athlete you've ever met.  But he didn't steal our money.  Let me ask you something?  Did you give money to the Lance Armstrong Foundation because you think French cycling is awesome and you have to support any charity associated with it, or because you thought maybe it would be nice to cure cancer?  It's a simple question.  If we find out Lance was using the Foundation money to buy steroids, then he stole your money.  Otherwise, shut the fuck up please.

OK, yes, there's some anger here that should be rightly directed at gun nuts and Congress people who won't give money to Sandy victims.  And I'll deal with them as soon as I can write one complete sentence about either group without using the word fuck.  But for now this is the best I can do.

If you want to hate Lance Armstrong, that's OK with me.  I never really liked him to begin with.  But don't sit there and tell me he betrayed everyone, or that you thought he was a great guy until just now.  You gave him money for cancer research and he used it on cancer research.  If you were inspired by him, it was because he beat cancer.  He still did that, it wasn't a magic trick.  Would he have been significantly less inspirational to people with cancer if he had decided not to use performance enhancers and finished 9th in the Tour de France seven times.  I highly doubt it.  It sounds to me like we all got the deal we were promised.

Tea Party Conversations: Health Care

Generic Republican: The government wants to give you health care.
Prospective Tea Person: That's awesome, I need some health care. Thanks for the good news, mysterious stranger.
Generic Republican: No, this is a bad thing, you should be angry about this.
Prospective Tea Person: What? Why?
Generic Republican: The government wants to give you health care.
Prospective Tea Person: Ohhhhhh...wait, I'm still not following you.
Generic Republican: The government wants to force you to buy health insurance.
Prospective Tea Person: But they don't have to force me, I want health insurance.
Generic Republican: But what if you didn't.
Prospective Tea Person: But I do.
Generic Republican: Yeah, but what if you didn't.
Prospective Tea Person: I'm still not following you.
Generic Republican: Right now, you have the freedom to choose health insurance coverage...
Prospective Tea Person: Right...
Generic Republican: ...but the government is going to start providing health insurance to people, and then private providers won't be able to compete with the government's low premiums, so they'll go out of business, and then you won't have a choice.
Prospective Tea Person: ...Oh...
Generic Republican: They're taking away your freedom to choose.
Prospective Tea Person: ...but I like freedom.
Generic Republican: Of course you do.
Prospective Tea Person: But it still sounds like I'll end up with health insurance that's cheaper than what I have now.
Generic Republican: No, what you'll end up with is socialized medicine.
Prospective Tea Person: What does that mean?
Generic Republican: It means the government will come between you and your doctor, ration care and decide who gets life saving procedures and who doesn't.
Prospective Tea Person: Don't insurance companies do that now anyway?
Generic Republican: What you're talking about is just the free market at work, I'm talking about socialism.
Generic Republican: I'm also talking about government funded abortions.
Prospective Tea Person: Wait..what? 
Generic Republican: When the government takes over health care, they'll use your tax dollars to fund abortions.
Prospective Tea Person: But I'm against abortion.
Generic Republican: Sure you are, all good Americans are.
Prospective Tea Person: It's not OK to use my tax dollars for something I don't like, that makes me angry.
Generic Republican: And you know what else? Socialized medicine will make us just like Europe and Canada.
Prospective Tea Person: Well I don't like Europe, but my friends from Canada say they get great health care.
Generic Republican: No, that's just a liberal myth.  Canadians have to wait months to see doctors, and their doctors aren't as good as ours. 
Prospective Tea Person: But what if I'm sick right now?  I can't wait months to see a doctor.
Generic Republican: No you can't. 
Prospective Tea Person: But what about the tens of millions of people in America that don't have health insurance?  Won't the government's plan get them covered?
Generic Republican: First of all, liberals have been exaggerating the number of people without health coverage for years so they can build support for their government take over...
Prospective Tea Person: Oh...
Generic Republican: ...and besides that, people in America aren't really going without health care.  Anyone can just walk into an emergency room right now and get treatment when they need it.
Prospective Tea Person: But isn't health care expensive?  Isn't that why we need insurance in the first place?  How do people pay for their emergency room visits without insurance?
Generic Republican: Well, if the government would just get out of the way and let the free market work, the cost of health care would go down and then people could afford it.
Prospective Tea Person: But before you said the free market is already at work.
Generic Republican: But it could be more at work.  We need lower taxes, less bureaucracy and less regulation so we can grow the economy for people while simultaneously allowing insurance companies to lower prices.
Prospective Tea Person: What do lower taxes have to do with anything?
Generic Republican: Well, a government take over of health care would eventually result in a big tax hike to pay for it.
Prospective Tea Person: But I already pay so much in taxes.
Generic Republican: I know, and the government wants to make you pay even more for their unconstitutional take over of health care.
Prospective Tea Person: Unconstitutional?
Generic Republican: Yup, the government can't make you buy things.
Prospective Tea Person: They make me buy car insurance.
Generic Republican: That's different, you choose to have a car.
Prospective Tea Person: But they're still making me buy something.
Generic Republican: Trust me, it's very different.
Prospective Tea Person: I'm angry and confused.
Generic Republican: Welcome to the tea party, let's get you a George Washington wig!
Tea Person: Yeah!