Insert Bridge Pun Here

You have to admit, it's at least possible that the media loves this Chris Christie story so much because of the cornucopia of available bridge related puns.  Chris Matthews could lead his show with this story every day for three weeks (and he might) and never use the same silly segment title twice.  Bridge Over Troubled Water, Bridge to Nowhere, Bridge to 2016, Bridge-et Jones' Diary of New Jersey Political Revenge...it goes on and on.

Assuming that isn't the reason, and I'm not saying that's a safe assumption, I suppose I can see other reasons the media would find this so fascinating.  First of all,  this is a perfect Chris Christie story.  If six months ago you told me something was going to happen that would reflect negatively upon Governor Christie, and that the nature of the situation would be not even a little bit surprising based on what I already knew about Governor Christie, and then you asked me to guess what was going to happen, my guess would have come pretty close to the mark.  Like if I told you that Chris Christie was going to use sanitation trucks to block the Outerbridge Crossing indefinitely because he didn't like how Staten Island was looking at him, you would have to at least think about it a little before you decided not to believe me. 

I also have a hard time believing Christie didn't know anything about this until last week.  He doesn't exactly seem like the kind of guy staffers go rogue on.  The most I'd be willing to believe is that his staff did it without him knowing and then told him about it as a present, like a cat showing up in your doorway with a dead mouse.  If that was his story, I'd probably believe him, even though it's a little hard for me to believe that his staff ever gets him a present that isn't a meatball sandwich.

Having said all that, MSNBC can't possibly expect people to care about this, like in reality.  Sure it's fun and distracting for a little while, but they can't honestly think that people will go to a voting both in 2016 and think "I really like Chris Christie as a candidate, but there was that one time he caused traffic, better vote for Hillary."  That scenario seems highly unlikely to me. 

You have to understand that so much of the national media is based in New York, and some of them commute from northern Jersey.  Traffic on the G.W. Bridge may seem like a ridiculously huge story to them, but I have a hard time picturing people in Ohio caring.  They don't have traffic in the Midwest.  I'm not even sure they have traffic lights in the South yet, or lights in general for that matter. 

Sidenote: If I ever have to go south of Virginia for some reason (please no, it's so hot down there), I'll probably just delete everything I've ever written to be safe.

And I certainly can't picture it hurting Christie in the primaries.  I don't see a lot of Midwestern Republicans thinking "Christie seems like the best candidate, but he was pretty mean to New Jersey Democrats so I guess I'm voting for Rick Santorum".  If this story has any impact in the primaries it'll probably kill for Christie with the tea people.  If Ted Cruz shut down a bridge in a liberal city just to be a dick the tea people would throw him a parade.

Meanwhile, if the liberals in the media are trying to hurt Christie and help Hillary with this, I think they couldn't be further off the mark.  I can't even watch Fox for fun anymore because I get so angry when one of them mentions Benghazi or the IRS "scandal" that I want to throw things at my television, and I don't want to pay for a new TV right now.  Liberals and the media have been doing a fantastic job of ignoring these fake Republican scandals, but you can't continue knocking Republicans for making up nonsense scandals if you start making up nonsense scandals of your own.  You're giving up the high ground and saying that making up scandals to smear the other party is a perfectly acceptable form of journalism.  It isn't. 

I'm not a Christie supporter, and I've said I'm probably only voting for him if he winds up running against Hillary Clinton, who I will not vote for, but I'll probably vote for every other Democrat over Chris Christie.  I'm not downplaying this because he's my guy.  This isn't a scandal.  It's stupid and sort of interesting, and I'm sure people in Fort Lee were really inconvenienced (although they already live in New Jersey so they should be used to disappointment, and four hours of traffic is only like a half hour more than normal), but it's not a deal breaker. 

You know how many politicians are currently plotting revenge on anyone who even slightly wronged them?  All of them!  They're all egomaniacs, presidential candidates especially.  Do you really think that people who believe that god told them to be President wouldn't take an opportunity to get some revenge on anyone who stood in their way?  Chris Christie got caught because his staff is very stupid.  How hard would it have been to actually do a fake traffic study?  And how long before everyone finally learns that if you're going to do something you aren't supposed to be doing you can't talk about it in an email?  A little longer I guess.

My only point is that my opinion of Chris Christie isn't any different now than it was a month ago.  If your opinion is a lot different now, I have to think maybe you weren't paying a lot of attention to Chris Christie before now, because even in the worst case scenario, what happened here is pretty much exactly what I thought of Christie before this happened. 

He's not my favorite candidate, but I could certainly find worse Republicans.  In fact, I found five of them (plus Jon Huntsman and Ron Paul) and documented every debate they had for like a year.  You know what, I'm not sure any of those people from the 2012 primaries (except for Jon Huntsman and Ron Paul) could even successfully do what Christie might have done.  Disrupting a whole town for fun and revenge isn't a good thing, but if we could just get Christie to channel some of that competence into slightly more productive things, he'll already be the best Republican nominee since, I don't even know, Eisenhower?  I don't think I'm kidding about that.

I know some people will tell me I'm not understanding how big this really is, and how this isn't funny and how people's lives were effected and Chris Christie is a monster.  And I know I joke about New Jersey, but I actually don't have any problem with people from New Jersey.  I've known New Jersey people that I've legitimately loved.  I swear.  But about this bridge and traffic thing, I'm sorry, I just don't care, and you can't make me.

PS...For those of you who read my blog sometimes and are hockey fans, I'm working on something that I think might turn out kind of awesome...or, ya know, not that awesome.  I don't know yet, but just get ready for something awesome or also maybe not.

Ted Cruz

In March of 2010, when the Affordable Care Act passed, I wrote this:
http://somethingclever13.blogspot.com/2010/03/socialism-day-one.html

Three and a half years later, I still think it's pretty solid bloggery.  Anyway, I was sitting here writing about the current state of the health care debate (which, to be honest, hasn't changed a whole lot since 2010) and it was becoming this very long and sort of incoherent thing, and then I realized that I possibly had three things.  Three things that are all related, but weren't fitting together that well.  So why not just do three separate posts?  Then I don't have to sit here and try to think of some clever way to tie them together.  Meanwhile you, dear reader, get three posts in one week.  Win win.

Part 1 of 3 unfortunately has to be about my least favorite Senator.  I know we would all rather just ignore Ted Cruz's silly fauxlibuster, and Ted Cruz in general for that matter, but we can't and I'll get to why we can't in a second.

But first, I think one important thing needs to be said.  Ted Cruz isn't smart.  Maybe he used to be.  I know he went to Ivy League schools, and I've heard stories about him being brilliant in front of the Supreme Court (although the more I see of those people the more I think maybe it doesn't take much to impress in front of them), but however smart Ted Cruz once was, that's all gone now.  Like a running back who loses a few steps and suddenly can't even stay in the league, Ted lost whatever skills he had and he's just a dumbass now. 

I know this because Ted Cruz treated the Senate to a dramatic reading of Green Eggs and Ham in support of his stubborn insistence on hating something we haven't even tried yet.  You can call that a cheap shot, but it really isn't.  Either Ted didn't bother reading the 60 page children's book before using it to make an argument in the United States Senate, or he did read it but couldn't quite comprehend the moral of the story, which apparently only contains 50 different words.  Either way, dumbass.

And while I'll never get the people on Fox to admit that Ted Cruz is a dumbass, I would appreciate it if the regular journalists on other networks, or at least the liberals at MSNBC, would stop pretending that we all agree that Ted Cruz is a really smart guy.  He isn't.  At best, he's the smartest Republican in Texas, which is sort of like being the smartest plant in my office.  And my plants are dumb, because they came to my office and they know damn well that I'm not going to remember to water them.

And why do I care about what Ted Cruz is or isn't?  Well, for one thing, he's currently the ring leader of the thousand-ring, clown-filled tea party circus.  I often make the point that idiots only get a voice in our country when one of the two major parties is willing to take up their stupid cause.  When both parties agree about something, people can still complain about it, but they can't really do anything.

Same sex marriage is a good example.  If both political parties just said "of course anyone who wants to get married can get married, we're not going to sit here and try to codify bigotry, what's wrong with you people?" then we'd have a lot more progress than we have currently.  I'm not saying bigots go away if you ignore them, but if you don't give them the political machinery to promote their nonsense, they have a pretty hard time slowing the march of progress.  Unfortunately, the Republican party still seems more than happy to be the home of hatred, so progress is happening one state at a time and there are quite a few states left.

Similarly, if elected officials in both parties, who are supposed to be responsible adults, would all say that we're not going to shut down the government over a policy disagreement, then we wouldn't be having today's problem.  Sure, idiots could stand around in Washington with tri-corner hats and misspelled signs, but the rest of us would just ignore them like we usually do.  Wouldn't you rather be ignoring Ted Cruz right now instead of worrying about what happens if the government actually shuts down tomorrow?  I know I would.

Also, Ted Cruz is running for President.  That's definitely happening and we can't stop him.  And if he wins the Republican nomination, that basically gives him a 50/50 chance at being in charge of the country.  I wouldn't leave Ted Cruz in charge of the drive thru at a Burger King.  This qualifies as a legitimately bad thing that could happen in the near future.  And those of us who already know that Senator Cruz is a disaster waiting to happen are like the people with time machines who already know what's going to happen and have to come back to warn the rest of you.  So there, you've been warned.

Undecided

I was talking to a friend Saturday night and she made me realize that I am, in fact, an undecided voter.  If I lived in a swing state, I would vote for Barack Obama, because Mitt Romney is just awful.  But I live in Massachusetts.  Unless Mitt Romney has a photograph of Barack Obama pooping on Ted Williams' grave while wearing a Lakers jersey, Massachusetts is safe for the President.

I like the President, but I don't like everything he's done.  More importantly, I don't like that I only get two real choices.  Two choices that aren't as different as they and the media would have me believe.  Is Barack Obama a better President than Mitt Romney ever could be?  Of course he is.  But that doesn't make him the best possible President.  On the contrary, it could easily just make him the 2nd worst possible President.

So I'm torn.  Use my meaningless vote to cast one more drop into the ocean of Massachusetts Obama votes, or use it to at least make a point about third party candidates.  I'm looking at you Gary Johnson.  I don't know, I honestly don't think I'll decide until tomorrow when I get there.

Speaking of undecided voters, on the eve of Election Day (honestly one of my favorite days), I thought it would be fun to try and sum up some of the last minute campaign issues for anyone who's still mulling it over.

Senate Races

Senate races have become important nationally because the first rule of Republican Misogyny Club is you don't talk about Republican Misogyny Club, but Todd Akin and that Mourdock clown from Indiana didn't get the memo.  More than any other recent election, Republicans are making it clear to everyone that they think women should be second class citizens who have their rights dictated to them.  Even Mitt Romney tipped his hand a little.  I mean, he's OK if you ladies want to work a little, he thinks it's cute, but once 5PM rolls around, your ass better be in Mitt's kitchen making him a delicious dinner.  That beef isn't going to roast itself, and your lady work can wait until morning, we don't give you anything important to do anyway.

I have an idea for Republicans.  You obviously have no interest in growing up or moving into the current century, so how about this?  Whenever the word rape comes up at one of your press conferences, just walk away.  In fact, whenever anybody asks you anything about women, just slowly back away from the microphone.  It isn't the best strategy, but I think it's the best you can do based on your policies and beliefs and, honestly, it's better than your current strategy of looking like idiots all the time.

Speaking of Senate races, this is where reasonable Republicans really need to look at their own party and get angry.  Republicans have pissed away at least three easy wins in the Senate by nominating awful candidates.  Linda McMahon in Connecticut may not be anyone's fault, and maybe they couldn't have won that seat anyway, but Missouri and Indiana were easy Republican wins for even halfway decent candidates.  Democrats have the tea party to thank for keeping control of the Senate, plain and simple.

I disagree with Republicans a lot, but I understand we need at least two functioning parties for our system to work.  Please Republicans, chase these tea idiots back into whatever caves they crawled out of four years ago, they are killing your party.

Chris Christie

I may have made fun of Chris Christie once or twice, or almost every time he's opened his mouth in front of a camera, but let me tell you why independent voters like him.  Most normal people understand that you can't expect a political party or a candidate to agree with you on everything.  All I want is for politicians to tell the truth about what they believe so I know who to vote for.

I still think Chris Christie is mostly a bully and a dumbass, but I like that he's at least honest.  It's sad that I know that's all it takes to make him one of the most respectable politicians in the country right now, but here we are.

Benghazi

You know this pisses me off, but Fox won't stop talking about it so here we go.  I have a vague recollection of something like 3,000 Americans dying all at once in a terrorist attack the last time a Republican was in the White House.  I could swear I was supposed to never forget that.  I could also swear that it took years for us to find out what actually happened and that the Bush administration had good intelligence that could have prevented it more than a month in advance.

I remember these things, just a little, but I don't remember it being an issue in the 2004 campaign.  Actually I do, I remember that same Republican President using it as a rallying cry.  What I don't remember is John Kerry trying to use the deaths of thousands of people as a political tool in an effort to win an election.  That's not why John Kerry lost, he lost because he was awful, but at least he lost with a little integrity.

So, Republican voters who are parroting this nonsense, I'm begging you to be smarter than this.  And for a more direct message to every Republican candidate, surrogate and person at Fox trying to use the deaths of four Americans to win an election because you don't have anything else to try.  You are a terrible human being.  Please go fuck yourself, and have a nice day.

Jeeps

The only thing I have to say about Mitt Romney being a liar is that he seems to be a little better at it than the rest of us.  Nobody is ever 100% sure what Mitt believes and trying to pinpoint his real position on anything would require a sort of political quantum mechanics that I don't think anyone has invented yet (possibly because Republicans don't believe in quantum mechanics, I'm not sure).  Having said that, I don't understand why people are so surprised by the Romney campaign's totally false commercial about shipping Jeep jobs to China.  A political campaign lied while also putting winning ahead of the good of the voters.  People are acting like nobody's ever done that before.  Welcome to politics folks.

Climate Change

This huge, unprecedented storm that basically shut down New York City really has a lot of people in public office and in the media talking about the effects of climate change and energy policy and what we have to do to get our climate back under control.  Ha! No, that's not true, I'm just fucking with you.  Nobody cares about that shit.  Science is hard and confusing.  Let's get back to talking about campaign tactics and why I'm supposed to be interested in Ohio once every four years.

FEMA

There are enough stupid things that Mitt Romney actually said that Democrats really don't need to twist words and extrapolate things to make him look stupid.  All Romney said was that, in general, it's always better to give things back to the states, and it's even better to give them back to the private sector.  Take it from someone who watched every minute of every Republican primary debate, this wasn't anything.

This wasn't serious suggestion about getting rid of FEMA, it was just another expression of the Republican fantasy that the private sector does everything better.  It's stupid and not even a little bit true, but saying things that are stupid and not even a little bit true is how you win Republican primaries.

OK that's it.  Please go vote tomorrow.  Try to vote for somebody smart and reasonable, but even if you can't bring yourself to do that, you should still vote.

Let Them Eat Tax Cuts

I'm supposed to be surprised, right? 

Mitt Romney doesn't care about poor people who "think they're entitled to food".  Mitt Romney knows that if starving people are just too lazy to ask their butler to go downstairs and tell their personal chef to fix them some breakfast, it's not the government's job to bail them out.  Get an intercom, jerks!  Or even better, just have a standing breakfast order with your personal chef and then you don't have to tell him to make you breakfast every day, he'll just bring it to you.  If starving people weren't so lazy and stupid, they'd be less starving, like Mitt.

But why am I supposed to be surprised by this?  This Presidential election has been going on since 1914.  Can you tell me one time when Mitt said something that made you believe that he thinks anything other than what we now have video of him saying?  I honestly can't.  There's no magical time before today when I can remember thinking Mitt Romney had any compassion for poor or working people, or any plans or ideas for how to help them. 

It's been a tough couple of weeks for Mitt.  His opportunistic and unbelievably stupid reaction to stuff being on fire and people being dead was a catastrophe, even for him.  It wasn't so much that he jumped on a national security crisis to try to score political points before it was even over.  It wasn't so much that he did it on September 11th (after all, Barack Obama didn't take a day off from emailing me and asking me for money on September 11th, which I thought was pretty stupid).  It was really two things.

First of all, Mitt failed so miserably at capitalizing on a national security crisis.  Nothing he said even made sense.  Listening to Mitt Romney talk about foreign policy is like listening to a four year old tell you where babies come from.  It's just rambling and incoherent and makes you wonder why his parents would bother telling him anything.

More importantly, Mitt doesn't have anything valuable to say about foreign policy at all.  That's what makes his little adventures into stupidity so infuriating.  Anybody can say something stupid, but when you don't have positions to fall back on that people can look at and say "well, he wasn't on his game today, but he's clearly not an actual moron", people start to wonder about you. 

Take Mitt's other comments about how maybe there's no peaceful solution between the Israelis and the Palestinians.  If someone smart said that, my reaction would be "shit, maybe they're right".  But when Mitt says it I just think "Middle East peace is hard, huh?  Thanks for the update captain dumbass."

But, again, I'm not surprised.  At no time during the 600 Republican primary debates did Mitt say anything that suggested his interest in foreign policy went beyond talking tough and promising not to apologize for things that nobody ever suggested apologizing for.  I just don't think he cares about it that much.

The same is true for Mitt's comments about 47% of Americans.  It wasn't that Mitt was saying things that were condescending and arrogant.  Barack Obama says condescending and arrogant things all the time, it's one of my favorite things about him.  The problem is that Mitt's actual economic policies square up with what he was saying so perfectly.  If your economic situation can't be significantly helped by tax cuts, then Mitt Romney doesn't really understand why you're bothering him. 

But again, there's just nothing surprising about this.  Mitt believes in the magic power of tax cuts.  If you're struggling to feed your family, Mitt's going to cut your boss' boss' taxes.  If you don't have a boss because you don't have a job, then Mitt's going to cut the taxes of some guy in your town who owns a business, and maybe he'll hire you...probably not though.  If your house is on fire, Mitt's going to put it out with tax cuts. 

And if that doesn't work, well, Mitt's pretty much out of ideas, and so is the rest of his party.  Well, except maybe jesus can help out too, that's always Republican plan B.  But he can't really help out, because he still isn't real.  I don't know if Mitt's mormon god, or gods, or whatever it is he believes in, are the kind of gods that are supposed to help with stuff, but unless Mitt's willing to lend you his magic underpants, I wouldn't hold my breath.

This is what Republicans believe in now.  Magic and fantasy.  If it can't be fixed by tax cuts or praying, then it can't be fixed by Republicans.  People are always whining about how Mitt doesn't give any specifics.  He doesn't have any!  It's like asking a magician to give you specifics about how he made the elephant appear out of nowhere.  He can't give you specifics, because that shit didn't actually happen.

And the people left in the Republican party with working brains are starting to chirp about the amazing lack of substance, common sense and basic competence from the Romney campaign.  Some of them have a right to complain, but most of them deserve to be blamed.  They embraced Sarah Palin.  They embraced the tea party.  How exactly did they think this story was going to end?

Last week, Rick Santorum said at their little apple pie and gay bashing rally that the "smart people" will never be on their side.  You said it, Rick.  

Herman Cain Keeps It Simple

The Republican nomination for 2012 is up for grabs, and for at least the 5th time this year, someone new has jumped to the front of the line.  Herman Cain is surging in the polls, and it isn't just because Mitt Romney is most likely a robot sent from the future to bore us all to death so the robots can take over.  Herman gets it.  People like things simple.  Like Herman's 999 tax plan (an idea stolen, quite obviously, from one of my favorite bands http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bimNMiz250). 

That's 9% taxes, sales tax, income tax, whatever.  Sure, it doesn't "make economic sense" and it couldn't "get any votes in Congress", but that's not what Mr. Cain cares about.  He's not one of those political types who wants to "do realistic things" or "govern the country properly".  He just wants to keep it simple.  And he's soooo right you guys.  In America, everything we do to run the country should be so simple a drunk toddler can understand it. 

And that's not all.  Herman Cain is the same guy who once suggested that Congress shouldn't pass any legislation longer than three pages.  That was a while ago now, and I'm hearing that Herman is refining this plan so that, under a Cain Presidency, all laws must be constructed in tweet form.  If it's more than 140 characters, Herman Cain won't sign it!

But why stop there?  Why just fix the tax code and Congress when we have so many other problems?  Well, I have an inside source and I'm here to tell you, Herman isn't stopping there.  Here are some of the other plans you can expect to hear from Mr. Cain in the coming weeks and months.

Law Enforcement: The Super 12 Plan
Anyone who is convicted of a crime, no matter what they did, goes to jail for exactly 12 years.  Jaywalking?  12 years.  Arrested for occupying Wall St.?  12 years.  Beat a mime to death with a pogo stick?  12 years.  Our criminal justice systems spends way to much time and taxpayer money trying to figure out "fair" sentences and when someone should be allowed to get out of jail.  And if 12 years wasn't enough for you, you can just kill another mime and go right back for 12 more years.

Foreign Policy: The Law of Threes
We must always be in three wars at any given time, no more, no less.  And any war we enter must last exactly three years.  See, this way, there's no messy and confusing public debate about whether or not we should go to war with another country.  It's simple!  How many wars are we in right now?  If it's three, than sorry, no new wars today, but we'll put it on the waiting list.  But if it's less than three, everybody in Yemen better run because it's bombin' time! 

Additionally, no more hard decisions about when to leave a country we've reduced to rubble.  Three years and we're done...and you're welcome.  You wouldn't leave a pizza in the oven after the timer went off, right?

Health Care: The NyQuil Plan
We all know trying to get people affordable access to health care is socialism.  And who needs all those fancy-pants doctors anyway?  They're always using big words nobody can understand like "myocardial" and "kidney".  If you're not feeling well in President Cain's America, just go to the store and get yourself some NyQuil.  You don't need to "know" what's wrong, NyQuil will fix it, or put you to sleep until it goes away on it's own. 

They don't all have to be about numbers.  This isn't about numbers, it's about keeping it simple.

Energy: Drill Baby Drill
We all know the two biggest problems with energy.  Number one, we're just not drilling enough.  We all know that god has placed an infinite amount of oil in the Earth for us to use (well, not infinite, but enough so that we'll have some until whenever Jesus comes back).  Unfortunately, godless hippies keep complaining about how we're "running out of oil" and how we need to "plan for the future".  Stupid jerks.  What we need to do is drill more.  And we need to be able to do it without interference from the second problem, regulation.

So here's the two-part plan.  First, everybody gets a drill.  On day one of a Cain Presidency, you'll come downstairs in the morning and, just like Christmas, you'll find your livingroom full of oil drilling equipment.  Drill in your backyard, your front yard, the street in front of your house, under your basement, anywhere you think oil might be.  More drilling=more oil, so if we're all drilling, then we'll have all the oil we'll ever need.  Of course, once you find the oil, you have to give the property you found it under to a big oil company.  Herman won't jeopardize profits, he's not insane. 

As for part two, we have to find a way around these environmentalists and their government regulation, so here's the deal.  Let's say you're visiting the Gulf of Mexico, or ANWR.  As a good American, you've got your drilling supplies with you.  Let's say you come across a little piece of land you think might have some oil under it and you'd like to drill and find out.  No problem.  Just yell OIL! really loud and wait 15 minutes.  If Al Gore doesn't show up to complain, start drilling baby. 

What about alternative energy?  What about it?  Herman Cain doesn't buy into liberal myths like "wind" or "the sun".  Having more than one energy source is super complicated.  We're sticking with what we know.

The Economy: Lucky Sevens
Cain's 999 plan is a start, but that's not all.  To fix this economy and put America back to work, Cain has a seven point economic plan which is sure to do the trick.

1) Right now, unemployment insurance can last up to 99 weeks.  Republicans know that's way too long, and people need incentive to get back to work.  Under a Cain Presidency, unemployment will last for 7 days, plenty of time to find a new job and get back to work.

2) Drop the minimum wage down to 7 cents an hour.  Listen people, we need to compete with China.  Do you want to move all the way to China for a job?  Or do you just want to live like a Chinese worker right here in America?  I thought so.

3) Get rid of unions until there's only 7 left in the country.  And by 7, I mean 0.

4) Once a week, President Cain will pick the names of seven poor families out of a hat (hat's gonna be pretty full most weeks with the new minimum wage).  He'll send the 7 lucky winners a pizza.  There's no free lunches in America, so they'll have to pay him back once they decide to stop being poor.

5) TBD

7) 9+9+9=7 (right?)

Only 6 points, you say?  Listen, Herman Cain isn't worried about counting to seven, he's worried about America.  He's gonna build a 20-foot electric border fence with an alligator moat, he's gonna keep things simple and he's gonna fix the country...or maybe he's just gonna go on a book tour and endorse Rick Perry.  Who the hell knows?

OK, this was fun, but the truth is, Cain's recent surge in popularity points to a more serious problem.  It's not a surprise that the tea people have suddenly latched onto Herman and his promise to make everything simple enough for them to understand.  This is what happens when one party's message and platform get overrun by the misinformed masses. 

It's easy to dismiss Cain as the new flavor of the week and say he'll be back down at 5% a month from now.  But what if that doesn't happen?  Cain is just crazy enough to go through all of the remaining 349 debates without saying anything rational enough to get him in trouble with the tea people.  And what if Romney stumbles?  What if Cain somehow gets the nomination?  The President is vulnerable, the economy doesn't look to be turning around anytime soon.  There are perfectly realistic scenarios in which any Republican nominee beats the President.  President Cain?  Certainly not likely, but it's hard to say, at this point, that's it's impossible.  This is the kind of thing that keeps me up at night.

The Wrong Argument

I don't know if I can do this.  Since I found out Governor Fatpants from New Jersey isn't running for President, I can barely muster the will to get out of bed in the morning, let alone write anything.  Now who will save us from the scourge of socialism and health care?  Did the Republican party really try hard enough to get him to run?  I hope they at least offered him a lifetime supply of pudding.  But, alas, I push on, with hope that this futile exercise in creative writing will somehow heal my wounded heart.

Speaking of socialism, the President is smack in the middle of his nationwide "Pass this Jobs Bill" tour.  It's like he's a kindergarten teacher..."See these unemployed people right here in front of me?  They can have jobs working on this crappy bridge right there behind me.  Does everyone understand, children?  People (points to people) can have jobs fixing bridges (points to the bridge), and then we get better bridges and more jobs.  See?  It's like if you were sitting there with nothing to do, and there was a pile of Lincoln Logs next to you.  If you started building something with the Lincoln Logs, then you'd have something to do AND you'd get a Lincoln Log cabin.  Does that make sense?" 

But there's a problem (spoiler alert!)...Republicans don't want to do the jobs bill thing.  I'm tired of being mean to Republicans.  They're jerks and most of them don't appear to have working brains, but there doesn't seem to be anything we can do about that.  On the other hand, I think the President could be better at this because I think he's making the wrong argument. 

I felt the same way about health care.  Liberals kept arguing that health care is some kind of inalienable human right.  I'm not sure I even believe in inalienable rights.  We get the rights we earn, there's no space god up there handing out inalienable rights like Halloween candy.  We need universal health care because it's an embarrassment for the wealthiest nation in the world to have millions of citizens who can't afford basic health coverage.  We should be ashamed of ourselves, but our leaders don't really feel shame.

I feel the same way about energy.  Energy innovation isn't about growing a green economy and creating jobs.  Where did we get the idea that everything has to be profitable all the time? It's about being a world leader in figuring out what we're supposed to do when we run out of oil.  Ideally, before we actually run out of oil. 

Just like health care and energy, infrastructure spending is about doing the things we should be doing if we fancy ourselves the greatest, most awesomest, most amazingest nation in the history of the Universe.  But then there's the question of how we pay for it all.

A corollary to this jobs bill debate is the debate about raising taxes on the rich, and again I think I'm hearing the wrong argument.  The President and liberals keep saying the rich and corporations need to pay their fair share.  That's nonsense.  I don't know what a "fair" tax rate is for a millionaire, and neither does anyone else.  Life's not fair, and even if it was, taxes aren't about fairness.  Taxes are about paying for the society we want, which we currently don't have enough money to support.

Republicans and the tea people say we just need to cut spending to balance the budget, but that's nonsense too.  No serious person has a real proposal to balance the federal budget, and even if we did get a balanced budget for a year or two, it wouldn't last.  We'd have some new big disaster, or start another war (what are you looking at, Iran? You got a problem!?!) and then we'd be right back to deficit spending. 

We need more money.  The truth is, we may all eventually have to pay higher taxes, but the wealthy have to go first, because they have all the money and contrary to what stupid people think, you can't grow the economy by robbing from the poor to give to the rich. 

That's my argument to the tea people, Republicans, the wealthy and anyone else who responds to everything by telling me they "believe in lower taxes" (as if lower taxes are something you believe in like a fucking Nostradamus prophecy).  You can live in a garbage dump and pay no taxes, or you can live in America.  But if you want to live in America, you have to pay the toll and stop bitching about it.

Tea Party Conversations: Life

Generic Republican: We're pro-life, join us in working to protect life in America!
Prospective Tea Person: I'm pro-life!  Are other people anti-life?
Generic Republican: Well, maybe not anti-life, but they won't fight to protect it.
Prospective Tea Person: What do you mean?
Generic Republican: Liberals and democrats are pro-abortion.
Prospective Tea Person: I thought they were just pro-choice. 
Generic Republican: That's what I said.
Prospective Tea Person: Is being in favor of a woman's freedom to choose the same as being pro-abortion?
Generic Republican: Yes, yes it is.
Prospective Tea Person: OK, well I'm with you there, I don't like abortion.
Prospective Tea Person: But if you're pro-life, why are you against environmental regulations?
Generic Republican: Environmental regulations kill jobs.  The President and the EPA are destroying the economy just to save some birds and fish that nobody's ever even heard of.
Prospective Tea Person: Oh, so it's like you're protecting the lives of the jobs?
Generic Republican: Yes, exactly!  I should write that down.
Prospective Tea Person: So when you say you're pro-life, you're really talking about human life.
Generic Republican: Exactly.
Prospective Tea Person: OK, I can get on board with that.  Birds are stupid.
Prospective Tea Person: So, you're against the death penalty, right?
Generic Republican: Well no, we're definitely for the death penalty.
Prospective Tea Person: How is that pro-life?
Generic Republican: The death penalty only kills people who already killed someone else.  The bible says an eye for an eye.
Prospective Tea Person: Doesn't the bible also say only god gets to kill people, and something about turning the other cheek?
Generic Republican: I...umm...I don't remember those parts.  Listen, the death penalty is about justice.  You're for justice, aren't you?
Prospective Tea Person: Of course I am, I love justice!
Generic Republican: Do you want murderers to go unpunished?
Prospective Tea Person: Well no, but...
Generic Republican: OK then, I'm glad we settled that.
Prospective Tea Person: But what about health care?
Generic Republican: What do you mean?
Prospective Tea Person: You're against health care, but doesn't health care protect life?
Generic Republican: I'm still not following you.
Prospective Tea Person: Well, I mean, if you're pro-life, wouldn't you be in favor of people having health insurance so they can stay alive longer?
Generic Republican: The liberal media has you all confused. Health care isn't about people staying alive, it's about freedom.
Prospective Tea Person: Freedom?
Generic Republican: Yeah, freedom.  The freedom to choose whether or not you want health insurance, and where you want to get it from.
Prospective Tea Person: I heard most uninsured people don't have insurance because they can't afford it because they're poor.
Generic Republican: No, that's a lie too. Poor people are a liberal myth, Rick Santorum ended poverty like 10 years ago.
Prospective Tea Person: I'm glad to hear that.
Prospective Tea Person: So health care has nothing to do with life?
Generic Republican: That's right, it's all about freedom. You like freedom, right?
Prospective Tea Person: Hell yeah!
Prospective Tea Person: But wait, when we were talking about abortion, I was asking about freedom of choice and you were saying that was a bad thing.
Generic Republican: No, that's different.  Abortion isn't about freedom, it's about life.
Prospective Tea Person: Everything is about something different, I'm so confused.
Generic Republican: I know, it's OK, it's a little confusing at first.  All you need to know for now is we're the tea party, we're pro-life, and now we're going to go protest against health care.  Trust me, it makes perfect sense.
Prospective Tea Person: OK
Generic Republican: Great! Welcome to the tea party.  Here's your misspelled sign!
Tea Person: Yeah!

Pandermonium

There's a thing on my TV tonight called the Tea Party Republican Debate.  I'm certainly not planning on watching every single Republican primary debate, but come on CNN!  Am I supposed to somehow not make fun of this?

Once again, if you're unfamiliar with the participants, consult my commentary on the first debate http://somethingclever13.blogspot.com/2011/08/meeting-of-cult-of-tax-cuts.html, then subtract poor Tim Pawlenty and add The Texas Tornado Rick Perry.

Here we go!  CNN and the tea party express present the third Republican debate.  (that's right, the tea party express, making stops in Crazytown, Idiotsville and Imagination Land).  No truth to the rumor that all of tonight's candidates will be dressed as Thomas Jefferson.  Also no truth to the rumor that Rick Perry has agreed to give himself syphilis to be more like Benjamin Franklin.

8:01PM:  CNN's introduction to the debate included labeling Newt Gingrich "the big thinker".  Stop saying that, he's a clown.  You're confusing being a big thinker with having a big head.

8:03PM: Blitzer says "members of the tea party express will play an active role in this debate".  YEAH!!!!!! I couldn't be more excited.

8:06PM: CNN got someone to sing the national anthem before this debate.  I'm not kidding.  Sidenote, this is the whitest audience I've ever seen anywhere, and I've been to hockey games.

8:09PM: Before the debate, each candidate was asked to guess the total volume of Wolf Blitzer's beard.  Hunstman guessed that he trimmed it pretty good right before the debate, nailed it, and got to introduce himself first.  Each candidate got to introduce his or her self in about 20 seconds.

8:10PM: Romney says he understands why jobs come to America and why they go.  As I understand it, many jobs go because of Mitt Romney.

8:12PM: Gingrich teases being the first to mention 9/11 tonight, but he just said 9/12 twice.  I think he's trying to bait the others.  Well played Newtster.

8:14PM: Bachmann says "President Obama stole over $500 billion from Medicare".  That's quite a heist.  She also accused him of stealing her lunch every day from the Congressional cafeteria.

8:16PM: Romney slams Perry on social security.  Someone should warn Mitt that Rick is probably armed.  Romney will not back off asking Perry if he still thinks Social Security is unconstitutional, like he said in his book.  That's right, Rick Perry wrote a book.  Or at least put his name on a book.  Rick seems not super interested in answering the question.

8:21PM: Huntsman jumps in suggesting that Romney didn't write his own book.  I think we should start calling Jon "The Magic Mormon".  I think that could really catch on for him.

8:22PM: Gingrich points out that President Obama "scares the American people", and gets a huge round of applause.  Newt really hit the nail on the head there.  These tea people are terrified of black peop...umm...socialist policies.

8:24PM: This is a mess, I honestly don't know if I can do this for two hours, Blitzer has no control. 

8:28PM: I think I figured out why I'm so bored right now.  This whole first 20 minutes has been about senior citizens.  Makes perfect sense considering that's roughly 75% of the Republican base, but it's not doing much for me.

8:29PM: Perry brags about how he saved billions of dollars in Texas, and all he had to do was cut half of his Health and Human Services departments. 

8:30PM: Romney suggests capping the federal budget at 20% of GDP.  That's disappointing from Mitt because I know he knows that's a dumbass idea.  There are a few people on this stage that I honestly don't believe are morons, Mitt's one of them.  I'm not sure he's a good guy, and I know I wouldn't vote for him, but he's not an idiot.  I wish he'd stop acting like one.

8:32PM: While I was pontificating about Romney, I think Ron Paul just suggested eliminating every cabinet department.

8:36PM: Huntsman compares our dependence on foreign oil to a heroin addiction.  Not a bad comparison.  Unfortunately, the Republican solution to this particular heroin addiction is to start producing more of our own heroin.  Doesn't every drug addict have that idea at some point?

8:40PM: Perry says "we're tired of spending money on programs we don't want".  I'm so sick of this argument.  Where did people get the idea that the government should only spend tax dollars on things they like?  As a great TV character once said "lots of people don't like tanks...even more don't like Congress".

8:41PM: Cain mentions his hilarious 999 plan again.  That's 9% taxes on everything, for everyone, all the time.  Clearly, Herman believes in job growth through the magic power of tax cuts.

8:43PM: Romney goes over his 7 point plan for the economy again.  Mitt also has a 7 point plan for never getting the Republican nomination. 

8:44PM: Romney keeps saying "Texas is a great state".  Hey Mitt, you're not winning a primary in Texas.  Give it up.

8:46PM: Ron Paul slams Perry on raising taxes and spending in Texas and suggests cutting all the spending we're doing on our little adventures all over the world.  He keeps saying that, and the other candidates keep ignoring him.

8:47PM: Perry dubs Texas "the land of freedom in America".  I don't even know what to say about that one.

8:48PM: Newt says "the American PEOPLE" create jobs, not government.  Yeah, but they aren't.  Then Newt gets the prize for the first mention of Ronald Reagan.  He kept emphasizing the word PEOPLE in a really annoying way. 

8:49PM: Did you know Herman Cain ran a region or something for Burger King?  He's the funniest candidate since Ross Perot.

8:51PM: The other candidates always seem to be smirking whenever Huntsman is talking, like they're thinking "crap, what if people realize he's smarter than us?".

8:56PM: Santorum, once again, brings up his proposal for 0% corporate taxes.  Why don't we just give them all the money?  Just get all your shit together, go empty out your bank account and leave it all at the doorstep of your favorite giant corporation.  Then maybe they'll like us.

9:02PM: Blitzer asked Gingrich about tax breaks for oil companies.  Gingrich answered by bringing up the tax breaks that GE gets.  Good argument Newt; "we're all whores, so it's OK and you just have to live with it". 

9:04PM: Gingrich makes the old Republican point that "we don't have a revenue problem, we have an overspending problem".  Republicans don't really understand how money works, I've noticed that being rich will do that to you sometimes.

9:04PM: Question about the fair tax.  Where's Huckleberry when you need him?  Romney gets booed for pointing out that the fair tax (basically a national sales tax) is incredibly regressive and would take tax burden off of the wealthy and put it on the middle class.  Mitt should have known better.

9:08PM: For the second debate in a row, we're arguing about Rick Perry's evil plan to prevent teenagers from getting genital warts and cervical cancer in Texas.  I think it's weird that multiple Republican candidates seem to be pro genital warts. 

9:10PM: Bachmann accuses Perry of using his HPV vaccine plan as a give away to a drug company that contributed to his campaign.  Perry says he's offended at the suggestion that he can be bought for only $5,000.

9:12PM: Nobody likes genital warts more than Rick Santorum.  I can't believe I'm actually with Rick Perry on something, but seriously, what's wrong with these people?

9:13PM: Cain just said something stupid, but I honestly don't have time to get into it, you'll just have to take my word for it.

9:17PM: Romney just brought up the imaginary Obamacare death panels.  That's some good old fashioned pandering right there. 

9:19PM: Great sequence:
1) Blitzer asked Ron Paul about what should happen if an uninsured 30 year old has a serious accident.
2) Ron basically says screw that guy, he took his own risk, that's what freedom is all about.
3) Blitzer asks "so we should just let him die?"
4) Before Ron can answer, the suggestion of just letting him die gets a huge cheer from the crowd.
Ladies and gentlemen, the tea party.

9:21PM: So let me get this straight, Congresswoman Bachmann.  How do you feel about Obamacare?  I can't tell.  Are you against it?

9:28PM: Rick Perry says the dumbass border fence is a stupid idea.  Listen, if Rick Perry keeps saying things that aren't stupid, I'm going to start getting really nervous.  Also, Santorum just reminded us that "illegal" and "Latino" are synonyms in his brain.

9:31PM: Now Perry's suggesting we treat immigrants like people instead of chasing them back to Mexico with pitchforks.  It's like I've drifted into some alternate universe.  What's happening right now?

9:33PM: Even the other candidates seem confused.  Huntsman just gave a one minute answer that made no sense at all and included calling Rick Perry treasonous for pointing out that you can't just build a fence to keep Mexicans away. 

9:34PM: Now Romney's going on about sanctuary cities and how he wants to build the fence too.  If these guys like fences so much, why don't they just go build one around their houses and leave the rest of us alone?

9:36PM: Huntsman takes a quick swipe at Romney's flip-floppery.  Jon's pretty punchy tonight, I think he knows his time is almost up.  I'm still dizzy from the whole Perry thing.

9:37PM: Blitzer wants to know what Herman Cain will do about energy independence.  Cain basically suggests creating a commission to regulate the EPA's regulation of industry.  That damn EPA, they're always regulating stuff.

9:39PM: Finally, Gingrich mentions 9/11.  Took him long enough.

9:40PM: Ron Paul just drew an important distinction between military spending and defense spending.  There goes crazy Ron again, making good points about how we really wound up with all this debt. 

9:41PM: Santorum accuses Ron of blaming America for 9/11 (Newt really opened up a can of worms here).  Ron looks ready to pounce...go get him Ron!

9:42PM: Ron didn't back down one bit.  He nailed Santorum for bringing up this old idea that they hate us for our freedom and did a solid job of laying out the real reasons some people hate us (and did a good job of pointing out that it's not the whole Muslim world).  He tried to make the point that trying to explain why some people hate us isn't the same as agreeing with some people on why they hate us.  He got booed pretty loudly.

9:45PM: Now Perry's talking about bringing troops home from Afghanistan.  My head hurts.  He also made a good point about helping Afghanistan build infrastructure, although I wish more Republicans were interested in building infrastructure in America. 

9:49PM: Time to learn something about each candidate, Blitzer asked them all what they'd add to the white house.  Nobody said anything worth repeating until Cain said he'd bring a sense of humor.  You said it Herman.

I don't know what to say about this debate.  I've seen this almost reasonable side of Rick Perry before, it's what made me think he was running in the first place.  It's kind of terrifying.  This may be my last Republican debate, we'll see how I feel when the next one happens.

Tea Party Conversations: Health Care

Generic Republican: The government wants to give you health care.
Prospective Tea Person: That's awesome, I need some health care. Thanks for the good news, mysterious stranger.
Generic Republican: No, this is a bad thing, you should be angry about this.
Prospective Tea Person: What? Why?
Generic Republican: The government wants to give you health care.
Prospective Tea Person: Ohhhhhh...wait, I'm still not following you.
Generic Republican: The government wants to force you to buy health insurance.
Prospective Tea Person: But they don't have to force me, I want health insurance.
Generic Republican: But what if you didn't.
Prospective Tea Person: But I do.
Generic Republican: Yeah, but what if you didn't.
Prospective Tea Person: I'm still not following you.
Generic Republican: Right now, you have the freedom to choose health insurance coverage...
Prospective Tea Person: Right...
Generic Republican: ...but the government is going to start providing health insurance to people, and then private providers won't be able to compete with the government's low premiums, so they'll go out of business, and then you won't have a choice.
Prospective Tea Person: ...Oh...
Generic Republican: They're taking away your freedom to choose.
Prospective Tea Person: ...but I like freedom.
Generic Republican: Of course you do.
Prospective Tea Person: But it still sounds like I'll end up with health insurance that's cheaper than what I have now.
Generic Republican: No, what you'll end up with is socialized medicine.
Prospective Tea Person: What does that mean?
Generic Republican: It means the government will come between you and your doctor, ration care and decide who gets life saving procedures and who doesn't.
Prospective Tea Person: Don't insurance companies do that now anyway?
Generic Republican: What you're talking about is just the free market at work, I'm talking about socialism.
Generic Republican: I'm also talking about government funded abortions.
Prospective Tea Person: Wait..what? 
Generic Republican: When the government takes over health care, they'll use your tax dollars to fund abortions.
Prospective Tea Person: But I'm against abortion.
Generic Republican: Sure you are, all good Americans are.
Prospective Tea Person: It's not OK to use my tax dollars for something I don't like, that makes me angry.
Generic Republican: And you know what else? Socialized medicine will make us just like Europe and Canada.
Prospective Tea Person: Well I don't like Europe, but my friends from Canada say they get great health care.
Generic Republican: No, that's just a liberal myth.  Canadians have to wait months to see doctors, and their doctors aren't as good as ours. 
Prospective Tea Person: But what if I'm sick right now?  I can't wait months to see a doctor.
Generic Republican: No you can't. 
Prospective Tea Person: But what about the tens of millions of people in America that don't have health insurance?  Won't the government's plan get them covered?
Generic Republican: First of all, liberals have been exaggerating the number of people without health coverage for years so they can build support for their government take over...
Prospective Tea Person: Oh...
Generic Republican: ...and besides that, people in America aren't really going without health care.  Anyone can just walk into an emergency room right now and get treatment when they need it.
Prospective Tea Person: But isn't health care expensive?  Isn't that why we need insurance in the first place?  How do people pay for their emergency room visits without insurance?
Generic Republican: Well, if the government would just get out of the way and let the free market work, the cost of health care would go down and then people could afford it.
Prospective Tea Person: But before you said the free market is already at work.
Generic Republican: But it could be more at work.  We need lower taxes, less bureaucracy and less regulation so we can grow the economy for people while simultaneously allowing insurance companies to lower prices.
Prospective Tea Person: What do lower taxes have to do with anything?
Generic Republican: Well, a government take over of health care would eventually result in a big tax hike to pay for it.
Prospective Tea Person: But I already pay so much in taxes.
Generic Republican: I know, and the government wants to make you pay even more for their unconstitutional take over of health care.
Prospective Tea Person: Unconstitutional?
Generic Republican: Yup, the government can't make you buy things.
Prospective Tea Person: They make me buy car insurance.
Generic Republican: That's different, you choose to have a car.
Prospective Tea Person: But they're still making me buy something.
Generic Republican: Trust me, it's very different.
Prospective Tea Person: I'm angry and confused.
Generic Republican: Welcome to the tea party, let's get you a George Washington wig!
Tea Person: Yeah!

Tea Party Conversations: Labor Unions

Welcome to the first in my, let's say, 26 part series of tea party conversations.  OK, I don't really know how many parts there will be.  Like most things, I'll keep doing this until I get bored with it and then I won't do it anymore.   

Generic Republican: Those labor unions are trying to bankrupt your state.  Support us, and we'll take them on and put state government back in the hands of the people.
Prospective Tea Person: Wait, aren't labor unions made up of people?
Generic Republican: Well, are you in a union?
Prospective Tea Person: No.
Generic Republican: I didn't think so, union membership is way down in this country over the last 30 years, for some reason.  Unions are made up of other people, different greedy people who aren't you.
Prospective Tea Person: So you're saying labor unions are bad?
Generic Republican: Not exactly, it's just that they're too powerful.  They need to be put in their place.
Prospective Tea Person: How do you plan to do that?
Generic Republican: By stripping collective bargaining rights so they can't hold the state hostage.
Prospective Tea Person: But what good is a union if they can't collectively bargain?
Generic Republican: Exactly, we're not trying to destroy the unions, just take away their power, which is out of control.
Prospective Tea Person: Didn't labor unions play a huge role in building this country and the middle class?
Generic Republican: No, that's the liberal agenda re-writing history.  This country was built on American ingenuity and drive, and freedom and Jesus.
Prospective Tea Person: Oh, I like all of those things.
Generic Republican: Yeah you do.
Generic Republican: Anyway, we're really only talking about public worker unions, like those greedy teachers.
Prospective Tea Person: Don't public labor unions also include police officers and fire fighters?
Generic Republican: Those damn greedy teachers with their fat pensions and five figure salaries and summers off.  Don't you hate working in the summer?
Prospective Tea Person: I really do, it's hot and I just want to go to the beach.
Generic Republican: Beaches are filled with teachers all summer, just sitting in the sun being lazy.
Prospective Tea Person: Well, I don't like that, but isn't education important?  Shouldn't teachers be paid more and given more resources so they can teach our kids?
Generic Republican: There's that liberal media bias twisting reality again.  You don't need some teachers union and some big government bureaucracy to educate your kids.  Don't you know how to educate your kids better than the government?
Prospective Tea Person: Well yeah, but we still need good teachers.  I can't home school my kids, I have my own job.
Generic Republican: Sure. Listen, I wish we could pay everyone more, but we need to balance these state budgets, and this is the only way to do it.
Prospective Tea Person: But what if you just raised ta...
Generic Republican: NO!  No, no, no.  Don't even say it!
Prospective Tea Person: I'm just saying maybe you could balance your budget by taking in a little more money.
Generic Republican: You're talking about redistributing wealth, are you some kind of communist?
Prospective Tea Person: No, I didn't mean...I'm sorry I brought it up.
Generic Republican: It's OK, you're new.
Prospective Tea Person: OK, so I understand why you need to strip collective bargaining rights for unions, but then who will protect the rights of workers if unions can't?  How will they ensure that they're treated fairly?
Generic Republican: See, that's the problem.  These unions aren't about being treated fairly.  They've been using their collective bargaining power to gain an unfair advantage over everyone else.
Prospective Tea Person: Oh, I see.  So, really, you're just leveling the playing field.
Generic Republican: Now you're getting it.  Workers don't need protection anymore.  Nobody wants to exploit them, we just want things to be fair.
Prospective Tea Person: I like it when things are fair.
Generic Republican: Of course you do, everyone does. 
Prospective Tea Person: So, you have to balance the state budget, and the only way to do that is cut pay, pensions and benefits for public workers...
Generic Republican: Right...
Prospective Tea Person: ...but you can't do that if they can collectively bargain, so you have to strip their collective bargaining rights...
Generic Republican: Exactly...
Prospective Tea Person: ...and you're not really destroying the unions, you're just eliminating the unfair advantages they have now.
Generic Republican: Bingo! 
Prospective Tea Person: I'm glad you were here to set me straight.  Here I was thinking labor unions were looking out for workers and regular people.
Generic Republican: I'm glad I could help.  Welcome to the Tea Party, let's get you a tri-corner hat.
Tea Person: Yeah!

10 Ways to Reduce Our Debt

Our giant national debt is a huge issue. Huge! It has to be, because it's all our Congress talked about all summer. Even the magic of tax cuts hasn't solved our debt issue. We cut taxes all the way back in 2001, and ten years later, for some strange reason, our debt just keeps getting larger. This is a HUGE issue. If there's a problem that can't be solved by tax cuts, Republicans are pretty much out of ideas (no, Rick Perry, praying doesn't count as an idea, I'm only interested in reality based solutions).

Sidenote: Debt wasn't quite such a huge problem when we had white Presidents. It's a good thing the tea party came along when it did. They know that if we don't control the black President's spending, he'll just blow all of our money on grape soda and Tyler Perry DVD's.

Anyway, huge debt or not, I'm not convinced we should be slashing the federal budget. And even if I was convinced, America's intelligence profile indicates that we're too "stupid" to stick to a budget. So, like Homer Simpson, we need more money, and I have ideas.

Bake Sale: Everyone in America bakes a pie. If you can't bake a pie (let's say you don't have access to pie ingredients, or you don't have an oven, or let's say you're an infant), someone else will bake your pie for you. We sell all the pies to Europe, Japan and Australia at a huge mark-up, like $15 a pie. I figure that's at least $10 of profit per pie, times 300 million people (give or take), and that's 3 trillion dollars. Did I mention that any country that refuses to buy our $15 pies gets invaded?

Sloth: We all take month long vacations. That's what Congress is doing, so it has to work. One member of Congress recently explained it on TV by basically saying that's what they always do in August. Oh, OK. Where did we find these people? Is being in Congress so awful that only the craziest, most irrational, least useful people in the country want to do it. I know I've said we get the government we deserve, but holy crap. Who else could cap off two months of gross incompetence with one month of "well deserved" vacation.

Roulette: We take whatever we currently have in the treasury to Vegas and bet it on black. Or red. Whatever. Either way, that's just short of a 50/50 chance of doubling our money right there. After watching Congress take two months to raise our imaginary debt ceiling, wouldn't you take 50/50 odds over whatever our current odds are of solving this problem?

Anarchy: This is what the tea people want, right? If there's no government, there's no debt. Just freedom, horrible freedom. And zombies. I don't know how, but anarchy seems to lead to zombies most of the time. Or maybe zombies lead to anarchy. I guess we'll find out.

Real Estate: How much do you think Canada would give us for Alaska? What if we were willing to throw in Montana, the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and the top part of Maine? OK, all of Maine. You drive a hard bargain Canada. If they won't buy our land, we go to plan B, holding Justin Bieber for ransom.

New Currency: We could convince the world to switch to a new global currency based on something we already have in abundance. Can you base a currency on fat people? How about abandoned factories? We have tons of those. I explored the downside of cheese based money in an earlier post, but if we encased the cheese in some kind of impenetrable, inedible substance, that could still work.

Robot Hilter: I recently saw Virginia Congressman Jim Moran giving a quick summary of how we got out of the Great Depression. First, there was the New Deal. Then, in 1937, Republicans tried to ruin the New Deal for some reason (it seems stupidity was part of the Republican platform long before the tea people came along, who knew?). Then, along came Hitler and we fought our way out of our economic troubles by killing nazis.

Well, Hitler's already dead, nothing we can do about that. But, Robot Hitler can be alive and kicking just as soon as someone invents him. Of course, there's roughly a 75% chance Robot Hitler takes over the world, becomes Skynet and kills us all. But, if we win, it's mostly smooth economic sailing for like 30 years until Robot Reagan comes along and ruins it all again.

Sidenote #2: Extra benefit of the Robot Hitler plan. We finally have someone who pundits and politicians can fairly compare to actual Hitler.

Ocean's 11: Step 1: We put together an elite team of thieves to go rob all the countries that still have money. Step 2: We use the stolen money to pay those same countries back what we owe them. They'll be especially happy to take it, seeing as all their money just mysteriously went missing. "Gee Japan, I'm sorry all your money disappeared, we'll be sure to keep an eye out for it. On an unrelated note, we just found all these yen at the bottom of the grand canyon. Here you go."

Heel Turn: I loved wrestling when I was a kid. If you didn't, here's how the heel turn works. We invite China out to the ring to "talk" about that little sum of money we owe them. We're the good guys, so China doesn't suspect anything. China's music hits and they stroll on down with a big smile. As China is preening for the crowd...BANG! Chair shot to the back of the head...heel turn!

As Always: Guns n Roses reunion concert. We hold it in America and charge the world to see it. We'd easily make 14 trillion dollars with plenty to spare to pay the boys.