The Huckleberry Forum

First of all, goodbye Herman Cain.  I thought he'd be around a little longer, at least until he finished 5th in Iowa, but alas, Herman has 99 problems, and bitches are all of them.  My favorite part of his announcement was when he said "I'm not going to be silenced".  Nobody is trying to silence you, you crazy paranoid moron! 

On a related and sadder note, I don't think I can write about the debates anymore.  Where will the funny come from without Cain?  I mean other than Newt, and Santorum, and Perry, and Bachmann.  On second thought, I think we're still OK.

One of the silliest things you can find on your TV is Fox's weekly Huckleberry show.  Every Saturday at 8PM, former Governor, former Presidential candidate and current Fox employee Mike Huckabee hosts an hour long combo of the Hannity show, Dr. Phil, televangelism and SNL.  It's hard to nail down exactly what he does each week, but you can usually find some politics, some people that found jesus at some point and a musical act, which sometimes features Mr. Huckleberry himself on the base guitar. 

Personally, I can't understand why Mike didn't do better when he ran for President.  He's super likable, even if you don't like his politics.  And even though he's also super jesus-y, which is usually a deal breaker for me, even I find him pretty tolerable.  He just kind of seems like a genuinely decent dude. 

My best theory is, he's an actual jesus person.  He's not like the rest of these Republican candidates, who are all for jesus as long as they can ignore all that hippie shit in the new testament.  I think this makes Republicans nervous that Huckleberry may not loathe the poor enough to be their standard bearer.  They're probably right.

Anyway, this week's Huckleberry show is a special edition.  Mike has hired three idiots to help him ask questions of six of the seven remaining Republican candidates (no Huntsman.  Having worked for Comrade Obama, I'm pretty sure he's not allowed in the Fox studios).  Instead of being there all at the same time, it looks like they're talking to the candidates one at a time.  This is close enough to being a debate to catch my attention, although I'm not 100% sure this will turn out readable.  Let's find out.

Huck just introduced the three idiots asking the questions.  They're three Republican Attorneys General.  Oh fun!  That's gonna make it pretty hard for Newt to complain about unfair liberal media questions.  It's also gonna make it unlikely that I'll hear anything that even resembles a good question.  Also, each of the three idiots took a minute before we started to bad-mouth the current President.  Fair and balanced baby!

Newt's up first.  I predict he'll say something stupid and then I'll have to spend the next week listening to people talk about how bold and inspired it was.  Sidenote, Newt's looking even more jowlsy than usual tonight.

8:08PM: On the topic of immigration, Newt just said he would rather have his fate decided by a jury than by a Washington bureaucrat.  I've been on a jury.  There were exactly 3 people on my jury that should have had power over anything.  People are idiots.  I'd rather have my fate decided by a roulette wheel than a jury.

8:09PM: Newt says talking about climate change with Nancy Pelosi was the dumbest thing he's ever done.  That's really saying something.  I could think of at least 150 dumber things.  This also gave us a perfect look into Newt's mind, when he later told us that everything he said with Nancy Pelosi was right, but it was dumb because Nancy Pelosi made it dumb just by being there. 

8:15PM: Newt proposed replacing the EPA with an environmental solutions agency which would have to provide "economic rationale" for everything they do.  This is a perfect illustration of why you can't trust the current Republican party with the environment.  Not everything has to be profitable.  Sometimes other things are important too.

8:16PM: Newt proposes eliminating entire Federal courts if they disagree with him, but he's quick to point out that Congress would have to be with him.  See, I thought we had three independent and co-equal branches of government, but apparently it's more of a majority decision thing.

8:17PM: Just to make me angry, Newt asserts that being anti-religion is inherently anti-American.  Thanks for reminding me why I hate you, Newt. 

8:19PM: Newt says there would be no America without George Washington, and has apparently stolen something from Valley Forge to prove his point.

Newt's done.  That was awful.  Next up, Santorum.  He's just like Newt, only worse.

8:24PM: Santorum is rambling about the family again.  This guy, who claims to be a small government conservative, just criticised the government for not doing enough to encourage marriage.  Rick's great because I don't really have to write jokes for him.  He takes care of the funny on his own.

8:27PM: Rick supports a constitutional amendment to ban abortion.  He also mentioned his support for a Federal definition of marriage.  Rick's government is starting to sound awfully big to me.

8:29PM: Idiot #2 is furious that the EPA is forcing Florida to not pollute their water.  She's so right, who needs clean water?  We're trying to make money here idiots!  Rick blames poorly but deliberately worded legislation.  I should say, I'm probably unfairly biased about this, since I do like to drink water sometimes, but I'm starting to think Republicans shouldn't be allowed to have votes on anything having to do with the environment.

8:31PM: Idiot #3 just asked Santorum why he thinks the founders separated Federal and State power.  We'll be back with the rest of our 7th grade social studies quiz in a minute.

8:32PM: Question about the Defense of Marriage Act, right up Rick's alley.  Rick suggests that it's the President's job to mindlessly support stupid laws that were passed before he got elected.  I'm not sure that's right.  Especially since Rick keeps talking about all the stuff that's on the books now that he won't be doing if he gets elected.

8:34PM: Rick finishes by saying that the courts aren't the only arbiters of the Constitution, but there's no time to find out who else gets to do that.  I kind of want to know.  Come on, Huck!

Next up, Rick Perry.  He has one of the squarest heads in the world.

8:38PM: Perry promises to use executive orders to effectively void most of Obamacare.  Rick's answer on how the President would have the authority to do that somehow evolved into talking about creating millions of jobs and moving toward energy independence.  I think Rick just pulled a jedi mind trick on us.  How did we get to energy independence from health care?  I was listening the whole time, and I have no idea.

8:40PM: Rick just accidentally revealed how he really created jobs in Texas, joking about how he stole jobs from Arkansas when Huckleberry was the Governor.  Why hasn't anyone pointed out how that won't work if Rick is in charge of the whole country?

8:42PM: Perry says he's been dealing with the Federal Government's unwillingness to secure the border for "over ten years now".  But somehow it's still Obama's fault.  Was it really ten years ago that I voted for him? It seems much more recent.

8:47PM: Rick appears to define "strict constructionist" as any Supreme Court justice who agrees with him.  Rick's also proposing getting rid of lifetime appointments for justices.  He's offended by the idea that the Supreme Court has the power to enforce the Constitution when Rick doesn't like what's in the Constitution.  He's less offended by the idea of the Supreme Court being able to strike down the health care law. 

8:49PM: I'm reaching my tolerance level for religious talk.  I knew the Huckleberry forum would be like this, but I still can't take much more.

8:50PM: Perry is in favor of both returning authority over abortion to the states and passing a Federal anti-abortion amendment.  How is this not big government?  This annoys me so much.

8:52PM: Perry's advice for Supreme Court justices...read the Constitution, don't read anything into it, or use any clauses.  Everyone knows Republicans hate clauses.

So far, we've only heard from the idiot side of the bracket.  Where are the people with brains?  I'm no great fan of Romney, but at least he knows things and has the ability to speak in full sentences.  Perry just answered a question by pulling a pocket Constitution out, holding it up and grunting.

OK, Bachmann's up next.  I actually think she's smarter than she lets on.  Why play dumb?  Let's just say she knows who her base is.

8:57PM: Bachmann says Obamacare is a stunning show of how far a President can go with power.  I think she missed the part where Congress passed that law, which is weird, because she was there.

8:59PM: Bachmann says illegal aliens currently cost us 113 billion dollars a year.  I have no idea if that's true or not.  She should wear a sign around her neck that somebody can light up whenever she makes up a new fact.  Just so we know when it's happening.  It would make things easier.

9:01PM:  Talking about tort reform, Bachmann hits what's becoming the theme of the night.  Huckleberry's panel of dopes keeps asking about Federal vs. State power, and the candidates keep reminding us that they don't have any problem with Federal power as long as the Federal government is doing things they like.

9:05PM: Idiot #1 just used the word evolution in a question.  He wasn't talking about actual evolution, but he's still lucky Backmann didn't freak out.  (Listening a little closer, he actually was saying the word abolition.  No wonder she was so calm, my bad).

9:07PM: Idiot #3 just pointed out that Bachmann's answer on environmental regulation was stupid nonsense (he may not have put it exactly that way).  Her response?  "Well you're making a very good point". 

9:09PM: Idiot #2 just called Bachmann a practicing lawyer.  I giggled a little.

Yeah!  My man Ron is up next!  Go get 'em Ron!

9:14PM: Ron points out that the Patriot Act wouldn't have passed if they called it what it really was, the repeal of the fourth amendment.  Then he points out that terrorism is a crime, not a war.  Idiot #2 doesn't understand. She asked Ron what he would call the 9/11 attacks.  She seems to think Ron's saying terrorism doesn't exist.  That's not what Ron's saying, idiot #2.

9:18PM: Now they're asking Ron about the environment.  Admittedly, this isn't Ron's strong suit, but he finds a way to make a good point.  The way our government works now, regulations are written by lobbyists who represent the very industries they're meant to regulate, and that's true of environmental regulations as well as banking regulations, drug regulations, etc. 

He's not wrong.  It's just that, some people would say the answer is to make our government not work like that anymore.  In contrast, Ron's answer is more along the lines of just not trying anymore and trusting the market to regulate itself.  This is where Ron and I differ.  Ron is bound by his strongly held convictions to trust that a truly free market and people would produce positive results because negative actions would ultimately be punished by the market.  Being unencumbered by such ideals, I'm less convinced. 

9:24PM:  Ron points out that he wouldn't just end Federal programs he thinks shouldn't exist, he'd phase them out.  Something tells me phasing out social security would take longer than Ron thinks it would, but kudos to him for not making one of those stupid "I'm gonna do it on my first day" promises.

9:25PM: Idiot #1 just asked a question so stupid, I refuse to comment on it.

9:27PM: If every American could read just one book, Ron says they should read a book called "The Law" by Frederic Bastiat.  That sounds about right.  I'm just happy he didn't say the bible.

Mitt's up next.  Rumor has it Huckleberry hates Mitt, but sadly Huck isn't asking the questions.  So, unless Huck starts booing while Mitt's talking or throwing things at him, we won't find out tonight if the rumors are true.

9:31PM: Mitt starts out by thanking the panel of idiots for this very interesting show.  He literally can't turn the pandering off.

9:32PM: Mitt tells us that his friends in business think the EPA was much better under George W. Bush.  Isn't that shocking?  I'm shocked.  Then he says "we need a Federal government that sees it's job as helping the private sector grow".  That pretty much sums it up. 

9:33PM: Mitt on energy..."we all like the renewables, but renewables alone won't power this economy".  Who said anything about powering the economy?  Apparently Mitt's economy is gas powered.  Seriously though, why do these people think every energy and environment question is actually an economy question?  Are they having trouble hearing?

9:37PM: Mitt is continuing with his bold strategy of avoiding flip-flops by taking both sides of arguments at the same time, answering a very direct "would you support school lunch programs, pell grants and GI Bills?" question with "in some cases yes, in some cases no".  Well done.

9:39PM: Mitt wants Supreme Court Justices who are brilliant, but won't use their own judgment in any way. 

9:40PM: Mitt's talking about his immigration record as Massachusetts Governor.  I live in Massachusetts now, and I can tell you, it's not an easy job here.  The New Hampshire border is seriously porous. 

9:42PM: I think idiot #3 just figured out Mitt's deal, saying that one of Mitt's answers sounded like a maybe.  Everything Mitt says is a maybe.

Each candidate gets a closing statement.  I'll try to summarize:

Robo-Mitt - Mitt finished by asking if we're "gonna be a free society with free people...or instead a nation governed by the government?"  Unless Mitt's proposing abolishing the government, I'm pretty sure we're gonna be both.

Perry - Perry, once again, proposed his brilliant idea of a part-time Congress.  This is such a weird idea.  First of all, they're already part-time.  Do you see how many recesses they get?  Secondly, they already don't do anything. 

My Man Ron - Ron brings up nullification.  I'm not a fan of this idea, but it's not really a surprise coming from Ron. 

Newt - Newt says this next election is the most important election since 1860.  Really good point, Barack Obama is clearly just as bad as slavery and half the country seceding.  Of course, it's also important to realize that Newt is Lincoln in that analogy.  Seriously, who would vote for this idiot? 

Bachmann - Michele talked about taking our country back.  I wish she'd tell me who has it.  Maybe we can just talk to them and get it back without all this fuss.

Santorum - Rick says America is basically morally rotting from the inside because marriage is under attack.  Most people will think Rick is saying the gays are destroying America, but maybe he just thinks Wedding Crashers was a very concerning documentary.

The Newt Front-Runner

According to the TV, Newt Gingrich is now the front-runner for the Republican nomination in at least three different polls.  At first, I assumed this was some kind of horrible nightmare from which I cannot awake.  That was the most logical explanation, but it's becoming less and less likely.  This may actually be reality.

The funny thing about this (other than the thought of President Gingrich, which is both hilarious and terrifying) is how it happened.  Everyone knows the media loves the horse race.  Whenever someone new jumps to the top of the polls, every political news outfit freaks out like that person is the next FDR (or in the case of Fox "news", the next Saint Reagan), until the next week when they say something stupid and we all laugh them off the stage.

This time, as far as I could tell, the media went first.  After Herman Cain imploded, over and over again, I started hearing all this nonsense about how Newt was going to rise to the top of the polls.  Next thing you know, there's good ole Newt, right at the top.  Just like the media said!  I watch too much political news to think they actually got a prediction right, so all I can think is Republican primary voters heard these stories about Newt and thought "well, he ain't Mitt Romney, so why not?". 

And really, that's the lesson.  Republicans would try out a half-eaten breakfast as their potential nominee as long as it wasn't Mitt Romney.  This makes me a little more hopeful for the President's re-election changes, since, last time I checked, he isn't Mitt Romney either.

Hey look!  It's another debate!  The TV says this one's about foreign policy.  Ugh.  You may be thinking the same thing I was thinking when I saw this.."why do these people, at least 5 of whom don't know anything about anything, keep having debates about a complicated topic like foreign policy?" 

Well, you only have two choices, foreign policy or domestic policy.  The Republican party in 2011 only has one domestic policy, tax cuts...Tax Cuts!....TAAAAXXXXXXXX CUUUUUTTTTTTTSSSSSS!!!!!!!!  You can't get too many debates out of that.  So, here you go, another foreign policy debate between Huntsman, Paul, Romney and five idiots. 

8:00PM: CNN opens this foreign policy/national security debate with a super scary OH MY GOD YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE IF YOU ELECT THE WRONG PRESIDENT montage.  Terrifying the audience is a great way to get them to make a rational decision.

8:02PM: Running the Olympics once doesn't make Mitt Romney an expert on foreign relations anymore than it makes him a world class downhill skier.

8:03PM: First bit of bad news, it looks like Blitzer will be doing the moderating again.  Last time he had no control, it was a total disaster.  I'm not looking forward to this.

8:04PM: Second bit of bad news, it looks like CNN has attempted to put together the whitest audience in the history of audiences and whiteness.  Considering this debate is taking place in Washington DC, that couldn't have been easy.

8:06PM: They're singing the national anthem before the debate.  Not the first time, probably not the last, but I'll be annoyed by it every time.

8:08PM: Blitzer keeps saying he'll "try" to do stuff.  Don't try Wolf, do!

8:10PM: Am I crazy, or was Rick Santorum balder when he was younger?  I could swear I remember a very balding Rick Santorum.

8:11PM: Blitzer made a joke about Wolf Blitzer being his real name.  Romney tried to capitalize by saying "I'm Mitt Romeny and, yes Wolf, that's my real first name too".  Except it's not.  His real first name is Willard.  What's wrong with him?  I never thought Romney would be the one on this stage who literally couldn't even get his name right. 

8:15PM: Talking about extending the Patriot Act, Gingrich says "all of us will be in danger for the rest of our lives".  Who invited the good news bear?

8:16PM: Ron Paul on the Patriot Act..."don't be willing to sacrifice liberty for security".  As usual, Ron is schooling these idiots.  This time he's kicking Newt's ass on civil liberties.  Newt believes the Patriot Act would have stopped Timothy McVeigh.  Ron's trying to explain that just because something might work doesn't make it Constitutional or legal.  Newt's not really following.

8:19PM: Bachmann just said something about mirandizing terrorists.  Is she still in this race?

8:22PM: Perry on the TSA..."I would privatize it as soon as I could and get rid of those unions."  Great idea!  Why have airport security people be accountable to the duly elected government of the people when they could be accountable to no one?  Also, how did unions get involved in this? 

8:24PM: Santorum is openly suggesting profiling muslims at airports.  Another fantastic idea!  But how will we know who the Muslims are?  We should probably make them get special tattoos or something.  Or we could just throw bacon at everyone who gets on a plane and see who gets really angry about it.  Oh but jewish people don't like bacon either.  This is hard.  Rick, help us, how do we know who the muslims are?

8:25PM: Ron Paul on the war on terrorism..."I don't remember voting on a declaration of war...terror isn't a person, it's a tactic."  Go get 'em Ron!

8:27PM: Cain just called Blitzer "Blitz".  I'll miss him when he's gone.

8:31PM:  Bachmann says we shouldn't stop giving Pakistan money, but only because if we don't, they might stop being our friend and start being China's friend.  I guess Rick Perry doesn't care about friends, because he's not giving Pakistan a dime.  But then they won't come to Michele's sweet sixteen! Damn you Rick!

8:33PM: Bachmann just called Perry's position "highly naive".  Uh oh, I think she's about to find out that you don't mess with Texas.  Rick looks mad.  Hmmm...he went pretty easy on her.  He may have taken a Valium before the debate.  Let's keep on eye on him.

8:35PM: Romney on Afghanistan..."we can't just write off a significant part of the world."  He forgot to add "...that has oil."  Then he said we need to bring Afghanistan into the 20th century.  Yeah, what's up with that country?  Why do they have all that rubble everywhere?  Get some roads, jerks!

8:38PM: Good point by Huntsman.  The President doesn't always have to listen to the Generals on the ground when it comes to war.  The President is the one in charge and he calls the shots.  Mitt says he would call the shots, by doing whatever the Generals tell him to do.

8:40PM: Newt's first complaint about the questions.  A Republican debate tradition like no other.  Then he follows up by complaining about the rules.  Also, his podium is too small and the food in his dressing room was far from adequate.

8:42PM: Santorum says radical islamists are just waiting us out.  So, I guess Santorum would just never withdraw troops from anywhere.  He's not suggesting colonizing Afghanistan, just visiting...forever.

8:48PM: Cain says he'd support Israel if they attacked Iran, as long as they had a good plan.  I'd like to hear what Herman would consider a good plan.  Wolf didn't ask, glad he's here.

8:49PM: Ron Paul on Israel..."if Israel decides to bomb something, that's their business, but they have to suffer the consequences."  Republican foreign policy debates should just be two hours of all the other candidates shutting up and listening to Ron.

8:52PM: Perry says we need to sanction the Iranian central bank to stop Iran from developing nuclear weapons.  I assume "sanction the national bank" is some kind of Rick Perry secret code for "bombing the shit out of the country".

8:53PM: Blitzer points out that sanctioning the Iranian central bank would essentially end Iranian oil exports and, ya know, cripple Europe's economy.  Newt sees this as an opportunity to sell Europe some of our own oil.  Wait, when did we get all this extra oil to sell to Europe?  Is Newt hiding oil somewhere and not telling us?

8:56PM: Ron Paul is openly laughing while Bachmann is talking about Israel.  Me too Ron.

8:57PM: Santorum just called Africa "a country on the brink".  Country...continent...whatever.   Rick points out the important part, which is making sure we force our values on anyone in Africa who wants our help.

8:59PM: Cain on aid to Africa..."it may be worth while to continue, it may not." Yes Herman, those are the two choices.

8:59PM: Ron Paul believes all foreign aid is worthless.  Say what you want about Ron, he doesn't hedge.

9:00PM: Romney implies that the President is cutting 1 trillion dollars from defense and putting it directly into Obamacare.  That's a good talking point.  Patently false, but a good talking point.

9:03PM: Newt says, if we were serious about oil, we would magically produce all the oil we need in the next year.  OK, he didn't use the word magically, but I can only assume magic is part of his plan.

9:07PM: Huntsman just talked for like two and a half minutes.  Are there any rules here?  Does Blitzer have any authority?

9:08PM: Perry just said (he said this in the last debate too) that he's been the Commander in Chief of 20,000 Texas National Guard troops.  I'm surprised he hasn't declared war on Oklahoma yet.

9:10PM: Perry just suggested making Congress part-time.  Yeah, because that's what we need, a Congress that does even less.  I know everyone right now is thinking Congress does way too much.

9:12PM: Santorum is willing to compromise on anything, as long as it's not raising taxes.  I'm pretty sure you can find a version of that statement on the RNC letterhead.

9:13PM: Question about entitlement reform.  How did we get here?  I thought we were talking about national security.  What is Blitzer doing?  I'm getting frustrated.  Somebody should confiscate Wolf's beard.

9:25PM: Rick Perry promises to shut down the Mexican border.  What does that mean?  How do you shut down a border?  It's not a Walmart.

9:26PM: Ron Paul's talking about how "the federal war on drugs is a total failure", and he just said he's for medical marijuana and treating drugs the way we treat alcohol.  I assume he means dealing with the stupid behaviors that come from abusing them, as opposed to just criminalizing the drugs.  I'm all for all of this.  Blitzer, of course, failed to follow-up, and the rest of the candidates ignored it.  Booooo!

9:30PM: Now Santorum is, once again, plugging his brilliant plan for 0% taxes on manufacturing corporations.  I still don't know how we got here from national security, but since it's an important tradition for all of my debate blogs, this is as good a time as any to point out that Rick Santorum is an idiot.

9:32PM: Newt proposes some kind of panel to decide which illegal immigrants get amnesty and which ones don't, including subtly suggesting (twice) that immigrants who belong to a church get to stay.  So...religiously based death panels for immigrants...got it.

9:34PM: Blitzer repeats Newt's idea that belonging to a church would be an important part of getting to stay here as an immigrant.  If only there were some kind of moderator at this debate to find out why the hell that would be a consideration.  Too bad.

9:36PM: We seem to be having a serious disagreement about kicking out most of the illegal immigrants or all of the illegal immigrants.  Perry had to step in as the voice of reason (yeah, seriously), pointing out that we would have to secure the border before a meaningful immigration policy would work.  Unfortunately, it still sounds like Rick wants to secure the border with predator drones.  So, half credit I guess.

9:44PM: Lots of great beards at this debate.  Just saying.

9:46PM: I'm becoming concerned that we might get through this whole debate without hearing about Cain's 999 plan.  What happened to you pizza man?  You used to be fun.

9:47PM: Perry suggests a no-fly zone over Syria as a way to keep Iran from getting a nuclear weapon.  Um...OK.  Either Rick knows more about the middle east than I thought or he thinks Iran and Syria are the same country.  I'd say it's 50/50.

9:49PM: Huntsman says we need to be careful about taking sides in conflicts we don't fully understand (yes!), but then says our only interest in the middle east is Israel (arrgh!). 

9:50PM: Ron Paul suggests we should treat other countries the way we want to be treated.  Mitt quickly counters by making sure everyone understands that America is special and we can do whatever we want and just blow stuff up if other countries don't like it.  Mitt's always a puzzle because you never know if he actually believes anything he's saying. 

9:55PM: I think we're all in agreement that everyone's first trip abroad as President would be to Israel.  Except Ron, who, I assume, would never leave the country.

9:56PM: Perry says China is "not a country of virtues".  Way to grasp the nuance of foreign policy there Rick.

9:57PM: Cain says he was a ballistics analyst early in his career.  Do pizza companies have weapons?  Why didn't I know this?  Are the weapons pepperoni-based?

Once again, no closing statements.  That's always a missed opportunity to hear some stupid nonsense, but I guess we'll have to live without it.  Until next time, just remember, Newt Gingrich is leading the polls, so you probably want to start looking at houses in Canada, just in case.

Not Ready For Prime Time

I'm looking forward to this a little.  Why?  This is the first time these candidates have debated on a network, and I found out this debate is only an hour long.  To me, that says they may try to dumb it down a little, for the broader audience and with less time to talk.  What happens when the likes of Bachmann, Perry and Gingrich try to dumb themselves down?  I don't know, but I think it's certainly possible the vortex of stupidity could open up a portal to another dimension.  Granted, it would be a very stupid dimension, but still, I think, worth seeing.

Why is this one only an hour?  I can only surmise that CBS figured some of these people would be able to muster some dignity by now, or borrow some from a friend, and stop embarrassing themselves...I'm looking at you Rick Santorum.  Actually wait, I shouldn't say that.  Rick Santorum isn't an embarrassment to himself so much as he's an embarrassment to America and the entire human race. 

8:00PM: CBS started the debate with what I have to describe as a montage of the craziest things each candidate has said in all the previous debates.  I think these people deserve to be mocked as much as anyone, but, honestly, that seemed like a low blow.

8:01PM: One of the moderators just said this debate would last 90 minutes, so I've got conflicting reports on length now.  Maybe they'll just do the last 30 minutes off camera since everybody will have tuned out by then anyway.

8:04PM: Confirmation that the first 60 minutes will take place on TV, while the last 30 minutes will happen on the internet.  CBS doesn't have 90 minutes to dedicate to electing the leader of the free world, they have very important NCIS reruns to broadcast.

8:06PM: Herman Cain suggested helping the opposition movement in Iran, but not militarily.  I guess he's planning to send them juice boxes and lunchables and what-not.

8:07PM: Romney calls Iran President Obama's "greatest failure", then promises that if he's elected President, Iran will never have nuclear weapons.  I'm almost willing to vote for him just to see him fail.

8:09PM: Gingrich just proposed taking out certain Iranian capabilities in a way that is "covert and deniable".  I'm not sure he meant to say that out loud, that wasn't very covert.

8:10PM: Ron Paul finally sets us straight by pointing out that war with Iran would be stupid, and that the President can't just go to war on his own.  If I could elect Ron just to run foreign policy, I would sprint to the voting booth to do it.

8:13PM: Santorum suggests neutering the taliban.  I'd like to suggest neutering Rick Santorum. 

8:16PM: Bachmann's main point about Afghanistan - everything good that happens can be attributed to our troops, everything bad that happens is the President's fault.  And really, that's a pretty good summation of the Repubilcan party platform.  Well done, Congresswoman.

8:17PM: Huntsman says it's time to come home from Afghanistan...saying "I don't wanna be nation building in Afghanistan when this nation (America) needs to be built".  See?  I told you he may not be a moron.

8:19PM: I think Newt wants to go to war with Pakistan too.  I guess, in Newt's mind, the sight of him as President will be enough to convince millions more Americans to enlist in the military so we can fight all the wars Newt wants to start.

8:21PM: When asked if Pakistan is a friend or foe, Cain says "we don't know".  Well Herman, I know you don't know, but that doesn't mean we don't know.

8:22PM: Perry got a similar question and totally dodged it, possibly because he doesn't know what Pakistan is.  Then he says the foreign aid budget in his administration would start at "zero dollars" for every country.  I have a feeling Israel's budget would find it's way up from zero pretty quickly.

8:25PM: Bachmann just placed Pakistan in the middle east.  I feel like that's a stretch, but OK.  I would probably accept that from someone I didn't think was an idiot, but I have a feeling Bachmann defines "middle east" as anywhere muslims live. 

8:26PM: Later, Bachmann says it's clear the stage is being set for worldwide nuclear war against Israel.  Don't worry Israel, she's not terribly bright.

8:30PM: I think Santorum just suggested stimulating our economy by selling military hardware to Pakistan, but only after we make friends with them and stuff.

8:34PM: Sounds like Newt said something stupid on the radio yesterday.  When asked about it, his explanation was, "I was on the radio".  It's a well known fact that whatever you say on the radio doesn't count.

8:36PM: Cain's brilliant plan for his administration is to have advisers around him.  That's quite an idea.  He should also consider living in a big white house, and maybe getting some armed guards or something like that.

8:37PM: Santorum very directly promises to only hire people that completely agree with him (proof that he knows he's too stupid to even defend his positions to people who work for him).  Then he says he hopes that the problems he's been hearing about in Iran are actually covert American operations.  Seriously, you guys, shhhhhh!

8:39PM: Question to Perry, what would he do with our nuclear weapons if he eliminated the Department of Energy.  His answer? There are plenty of places in government we could put our nuclear weapons, but he decided not to name any of them.  I guess it's a secret.

8:40PM: Question about Cain's stance on torture.  He says "I do not agree with torture, period...however..." Stop right there!  Nothing comes after period, that's what periods are for.  Cain, of course, went on to reveal that he's actually pro-torture as long as we call it something else.

8:42PM: Bachmann too...everyone loves torture as long as you call it enhanced interrogation.  That's a fun little trick we can thank the Bush administration for.

8:42PM: Ron's turn, go get 'em Ron!

8:43PM: Ron points out that waterboarding is definitely torture, as well as being "immoral" "uncivilized" "illegal" and ineffective.  I think I missed a few too.  As always, Ron's the best.

8:44PM: Huntsman is against torture too.  That won't do him a lot of good after the debate when Perry and Bachmann are waterboarding him just for shits and giggles.

8:46PM: Romney uses one of my least favorite talking points, calling America "exceptional".  This annoys me so much.  We're so happy with ourselves.  I'll vote for anyone who will be honest for five seconds and tell us that we're not really that special.  Why is this important?  Because the people who believe we're somehow entitled to being the greatest country in the world for ever and ever because their imaginary friend said so are the same people who don't see a problem with the destruction of our middle class, and that's not a coincidence.

8:48PM: Perry says the Communist Chinese government will wind up on the ash heap of history.  China may be older than Rick Perry believes the earth is, but I'm sure he's got a fool-proof plan for getting rid of them.

8:51PM: Romney's back to his brilliant idea of having a trade war with China, saying that we're already in a war and they're stealing our jobs.  I love this phrasing, as if China is sneaking over here in the middle of the night with a ski mask on and putting jobs in a big sack and taking them home.  When actually, what's happening is our lovely corporations, whose taxes Mitt and everyone else on stage can't wait to cut, again, are voluntarily moving jobs to China where labor is cheaper and regulation is softer or non-existent.  I'm not sure stealing is the most exact description, but it certainly sounds the most scary.

8:52PM: Huntsman, the guy who worked in China, is happy to point out that Mitt is just flat wrong, and then he used a weird word I hadn't heard yet in these debates...diplomacy?  Is that how you spell it?  Most of the other candidates looked as puzzled as I am.  Is that some kind of fancy way of saying war?

8:56PM: Ohhhh, a twitter question! Fun! The question was, would Israel's foreign aid budget also start at zero.  Perry says yes, but then says not really, because Israel is "a special ally".  I don't have anything against Israel, it just annoys me that idiots can get votes from other idiots by pretending to give a crap about Israel.

8:59PM: TV time is over now, let's see if I can find the rest online. 

9:00PM: Hey! It's working!

9:01PM: First internet question - should we increase military spending?

9:02PM: Bachmann takes the long way to saying that she's all for cutting military spending, as long as by cutting military spending you mean repealing Obamacare.

OK, screw this.  I don't know what CBS is up to, but their debate feed was cutting out on every third word, making these candidates even more incoherent than usual.  I tried, but I'll have to settle for two-thirds of tonight's debate and I'll just have to guess at what happened in the last half hour.  One guess for each candidate:

Perry: Let's say he finally fell asleep this time.
Romney: Said something arrogant while smirking.
Paul: Suggested putting an end to something government is currently doing.
Bachmann: Said the word Obamacare 13 more times.
Cain: 999 999 999 999 999 999 999 999
Huntsman: Said something reasonable and got booed for it.
Santorum: Lit his podium on fire after someone told him a "gay" had touched it earlier.
Newtster: Bitched about the questions (which he's apparently required by law to do at least once per debate).

Insert Generic Herman Cain Joke Here

So much has happened since we last heard from our Republican friends.  Rick Perry showed up in New Hampshire, seemingly drunk or stoned or something.  Herman Cain made the difficult journey from amusing fake candidate to creepy old guy.  Now he's like Bill Clinton without the intelligence, or ideas, or accomplishments, or likability.  Cain and Newt apparently had their own little pretend time debate that nobody saw or cared about. 

Most importantly, I went a whole week without power or heat or hot water.  And, to be honest, that's left me in a bit of a foul mood, and I can't wait to make fun of some stupid people.  Let's get to it.

Tonight's debate is being hosted by CNBC.  Looks like Jim Cramer will be asking some questions, I'm looking forward to this.

8:00PM: Everything Herman Cain says sounds dirty now.  I'll miss you, pizza man.

8:03PM: I always think it's funny that all the other candidates get introduced by their current or former titles (Governor Huntsman, Congresswoman Bachmann, etc), but when they get to Cain, it's just Mr. Cain. 

8:05PM: Cain just declared Italy "beyond the point of return".  Somebody should tell the Italians he has no idea what he's talking about before they panic.

8:07PM: Romney doesn't think the US should be setting up a "TARP-like" program to bail out Italian banks.  Is somebody suggesting that?  What is Mitt talking about?

8:08PM: Cramer starts his first question by yelling loudly at the candidates and asking Ron Paul if he would really just let Italy fail.  Ron would let pretty much anything fail, as he just made clear.  I think he just suggested liquidating Italy...I may have missed some words there.

8:10PM: This is fun, Cramer will not take no for an answer on Italy.  He's basically telling them what the right answer is, but they still won't say it.  Other than my man Ron, they won't even address it.

8:12PM: I could swear I just heard Romney use the phrase "gay market share".  That can't be right, I need to focus.

8:13PM: I don't know who these people running the debate are, so we'll just call them Question Dude and Question Lady. 

8:13PM: Question Dude just asked Romney why Republicans should believe he has any actual principles.  He responded with a barrage of talking points and a promise to never apologize for the United States of America.  So there.

8:16PM: Question Lady just asked Newt why tax reform is the path to job creation?  Are you kidding me?  That's like asking these people to explain how gay people are destroying the family.  They can't explain it, it's just an article of faith:
Step 1: Tax Cuts
Step 2: Magical Things Happen
Step 3: Jobs

8:19PM: Bachmann just squeezed all of her talking points into one answer.  It had everything...tax cuts, repealing Obamacare, magic Mexico border fence.  She should have finished by dropping her mic and walking off the stage.

8:20PM: Santorum continues to defend his proposed 0% tax on manufacturing corporations.  Then he said "some people talk about trade wars with China", as if he disagrees with that.  Like two debates ago, Santorum said he doesn't want to have a trade war with China, he wants to win a trade war with China.  As always, Rick Santorum sucks.

8:22PM: Cain's defense for his sexual harassment charges?  For every woman that says he harassed her, he could produce 1,000 women who would say he didn't.  That's pretty air tight..."well, your honor, maybe this one guy says I murdered him, but I could show you a whole courtroom full of people who would say I haven't murdered them...yet."

8:25PM: Huntsman just opposed the auto bailout in Michigan.  That's balls right there.  Stupid balls, but still.

8:26PM: Important point about how Republicans see the economy.  Cramer asked Romney if corporations should focus on job creation or on creating profit for shareholders.  Romney said they go hand in hand, so did Perry...no they don't!  You can keep the money and give it to your shareholders, or you can use it to create more jobs.  Yes, more profitable corporations have more money to re-invest in jobs, but that's only helpful if they actually do that at some point.

8:27PM: Perry suggests planting "a big ole flag in the middle of America that says 'Open for Business Again'".  Well, that should do it.

8:28PM: Newt thinks it's sad that the media doesn't accurately report how the economy works in his imagination. 

8:29PM: Cramer seems genuinely amused by these morons.

8:32PM: Cain is still pushing his hilarious 999 plan.  Question Lady asked him how he would guarantee the rates would stay at 9%.  In Herman's mind, people love his 999 plan so much, that they'll never let politicians mess with it.

8:34PM: Romney - "The Obama economy has really crushed middle income Americans".  I don't want to get too technical here, but, in the business, we call that bullshit.

8:35PM: Michele Bachmann's tax plan? "I have everyone paying something".  I'd go for paying "something" as a tax rate.  Where do I sign up?

8:37PM: Ron Paul is suggesting the market should determine interest rates, not the Fed chairman.  He's not suggesting lower or higher rates, just rates determined by the market.  Question Lady is not getting it.  Ron seems frustrated.

8:46PM: Perry makes the blanket Republican point that regulations are killing America.  He suggests doing away with every regulation that isn't creating jobs.  Right, because that's the only thing in the whole world that matters.  Child labor laws don't create jobs.  In fact, they destroy jobs, millions of tiny little adorable jobs.  I wonder how Rick feels about them.

8:49PM: Newt says he warned Freddie Mac not to give out bad loans to people who couldn't pay them back.  I can't believe they didn't listen to him, just look how big his head is.

8:51PM: Cain says he would solve the problem with Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac by not starting them in the first place.  Does Herman Cain have a time machine?  Why hasn't he mentioned this before?  Why doesn't he go back and tell himself not to harass those women?

8:53PM: Question Dude asked Huntsman if he would break up the big banks.  Huntsman says he would "right size" them.  Question Dude asked what he meant by that, and he said something about making the banks set up some kind of fund to mitigate the risk that they would otherwise be passing on to the taxpayers.  That sounds like a non-moronic idea, but it also kinda sounds like a tax.  Luckily for Huntsman, nobody else on the stage was smart enough to figure that out, or they weren't paying attention.

8:57PM: We're doing a thing now where every candidate gets 30 seconds to talk about health care.  I can sum up the Republican health care position in two seconds - "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

8:58PM: Romney suggests health care should work like a market.  Why?  Why is that automatically better?  Not everything can be fixed by the magic of the free market.

8:58PM: Question Lady has been subtly but effectively interrupting Newt every time he starts bitching about the questions.  This time, when he kept bitching, she interrupted with "would you like to try to answer a question about health care tonight or not".  I like her, I should learn her name. 

9:01PM: Santorum just gave us a brief history of all the things he did back in the 90's.  Ya know, back when people gave a shit about Rick Santorum.

9:05PM: Ron Paul says bailing out Europe would be "a real tragedy." I'm not sure tragedy is the word he was looking for.

9:12PM: The CEO of Caterpillar (who got to ask a question for some reason) just asked how they will put party aside and compromise for the good of the country.  Santorum finds a way to suggest that his 0% tax rate for manufacturing corporations is somehow a big compromise.  I'm not sure compromise means what Rick thinks it means.

9:15PM: Romney just criticized the President for only worrying about his re-election.  Yeah!  Mitt Romney would never just say anything people wanted to hear just to get elected!  Wait, did I say never?  I meant to say Mitt Romney constantly does that.

9:16PM: Perry just spent a full minute failing to remember the third government agency (I think he meant Cabinet Department) that he would get rid of.  Education, Commerce and...something.  We never found out what the third one was.  If you go back through the tape, you can see the exact moment when it went from funny to sad.

9:20PM: Newt just accused Lyndon Johnson of faking a balanced budget in 1969.  Yeah! Fuck Lyndon Johnson!  Seriously, what's going on here?

9:21PM: Romney just said he won't raise taxes four different ways in about 9 seconds.  This gets close to the heart of the problem.  We should have two parties arguing over what the appropriate tax rate is.  The problem is, for one of the parties, the appropriate tax rate is just "lower". 

9:25PM: Huntsman just said we have a real trust problem in this country with our institutions.  In a related story, let's go back to our debate where 8 leading presidential candidates tell us why we can't trust the government to do anything.

9:27PM: Ron Paul says the student loan program has failed and given students more debt and a worse education.  First of all, I work in higher education.  I could give you 100 reasons why students aren't getting better educations at colleges, and none of them have anything to do with student loans.  Secondly, failed at what? 

Here's the thing about student loans.  The fact that students borrow so much money to go to school allows colleges and universities to explode costs, because nobody expects to actually be able to afford college on their own anymore.  It's a crappy system, but you can't put the horse back in the barn.  Like housing, college is insanely expensive now, and we can't go back.  What we can do is find a way to create quality entry level jobs across a variety of industries so college becomes a good investment again, and that's why I'm proposing my 999 plan for...wait a minute!

9:31PM: Perry just remembered the third department he was trying to think of before...Energy!  Man, I'm so glad he remembered, that would have kept me up all night.

9:38PM: Wait, I'm confused.  Is Barack Obama killing jobs, or is China killing jobs?  Or is Barack Obama secretly Chinese?

9:40PM: Newt suggested yielding to Huntsman on the China question because, ya know, he used to work there and stuff.  An actual coherent thought from Newt, now I've seen everything.

9:42PM: Hunstman just accused Romney of pandering by suggesting punishing China with tariffs and calling them currency manipulators.  He brought up a good point, when we do it, it's "quantitative easing", when China does it, it's "currency manipulation".  Mitt responded by pandering some more.

9:43PM: Bachmann just accused China of building 3,000 miles of underground tunnels to house their nuclear weapons.  These people all know that everyone already knows China has nuclear weapons, right?  Is Bachmann surprised by this?  If I had nuclear weapons, I'd probably keep them underground too.  Those things are dangerous.

9:45PM: Cramer asked Cain a question that started with him specifically telling Cain that 999 is not an answer to the question.  Cain took 30 seconds to get to his 999 plan anyway.  Cramer is now lecturing Cain about why he's wrong.  Can we get Jim at every debate?  I can't tell anymore if he's genuinely amused or if he's five seconds away from killing everyone.

9:48PM: I've said this before, but it's worth repeating.  Rick Perry has a habit of starting sentences without knowing where he's going to end up.  It's like listening to a four year old tell you about his day, just a bunch of little strings of unrelated words, punctuated by strange facial expressions.

9:50PM: Ron Paul finished the debate by talking about crony capitalism while the other candidates hid behind their podiums.

Well, that was fun.  Quick programming note...there appears to be a debate this Saturday.  On one hand, watching Republicans isn't exactly my idea of a fun Saturday night.  But on the other hand, most of my friends live four hours away, outside of work people, I really only have one friend in Massachusetts, and I spent all day last Saturday bothering her.  Plus, I do enjoy this.  So, I guess what I'm saying is, the odds of me being here for Saturday's debate are about 50/50 right now.

Six Angry Men (And One Crazy Lady)

In the last three weeks, I've had two separate dreams about the sun being destroyed.  Once by terrorists during a war, and the other time I woke up before we found out exactly what happened.  First of all, I appreciate my brain trying to generate sci-fi movie ideas, but I'll be needing more plausible scenarios if we're going to move forward.  More importantly, it seems like the possibility of one of these Republicans occupying the White House is making my subconscious more than a little nervous. 

I think it's important, if you're watching these debates and realizing how insanely entertaining four years of any of these people might be (not including Mitt Romney, whose whole existence is the antithesis of entertaining), to also realize that the President sometimes actually has to do things and know stuff.  I'm not saying a Herman Cain Presidency would inevitably end in the destruction of the sun, I'm just saying you couldn't rule it out. 

Anyway, live from the fourth circle of hell, it's the 112th Republican debate!

8:04PM: 2011 Newt Gingrich looks like he ate 1994 Newt Gingrich.

8:05PM: After noticing he was absent from the introductions, I used the internets to find out that Jon Huntsman is boycotting tonight's debate to suck up to New Hampshire voters.  Ya know, every time I think one of these people might not be a moron, something like this happens.

8:07PM: Anderson Cooper is tonight's moderator.  We'll have to try not to get too distracted by his handsomeness.  Anderson says he's hoping everyone will leave tonight's debate knowing more about the candidates.  Good luck with that Coop.

8:09PM: Herman Cain says he "solves problems for a living".  If elected, he'll know exactly what to do if the country runs out of pepperoni.

8:10PM: Newt Gingrich says when he's elected he'll "replace class warfare with cooperation".  That's right! Rich people are gonna keep all the money, and the rest of you motherfuckers better cooperate!

8:13PM: Herman Cain repeatedly says, if you just accept his analysis of his 999 plan, instead of, ya know, thinking and stuff, you'll see it's a great plan.  Seriously Herman, even Rick Santorum knows your plan is stupid.  Even Michele Bachmann is smarter than Herman Cain.  Michele Bachmann!

8:16PM: Rick Perry is laying out his own plan "at the end of the week."  Ohhh!  I can't wait to camp out in front of the tax plan store all night on Thursday waiting for Rick's plan to come out.

8:17PM: Cain - "a loaf of bread has five taxes in it right now".  That's a Herman Cain metaphor, I like to call them Cainaphors.

8:19PM: Cain invites families to do their own math on his 999 plan.  Quick note for Herman...Americans do not like math.

8:21PM: Going on roughly 15 minutes of everyone hammering Herman's plan.  The referee needs to step in and stop this fight.

8:22PM: Newt says the 999 plan is more complex than Cain lets on.  I can't tell if he meant that as a compliment or an insult.

8:23PM: Cooper just got Bachmann to admit she's in favor of raising taxes on the 47% of people who pay no federal income tax.  I could have sworn Republicans were against raising taxes.  I'm so confused.

8:24PM: Finally moving on to Romney's plan.  Someone get Herman Cain an ice pack and a drink.

8:26PM: Rick Perry has a tendency to start sentences without knowing where they're going to end.

8:29PM: Santorum and Romney are just yelling at each other now.  Well, Rick's yelling.  The Mittron 3000 is smirking and calmly responding.

8:34PM: Bachmann ends the debate on health care by shouting about repealing "Obamacare".  If anything sums up the Republican view of health care better than a poorly informed person shouting nonsense, I haven't seen it.

8:39PM: I may have been hallucinating, but I think Ron Paul just said we have "too much health care" in this country.  You have to pay attention when Ron's talking, because he'll slip stuff like that in there when you're not listening.

8:41PM: Perry says Texas has one of the finest health care systems in the world.  For the last time, executing everyone who catches a cold is not "health care".

8:41PM: Perry just accused Romney of hiring illegal immigrants to work in his house.  As Romney tried to respond, Perry pulls the same trick Santorum pulled by interrupting him before he could finish.  Romney eventually got so mad he almost short-circuited. 

8:45PM: Finally, Mitt defended himself by saying that if you hire contractors to work at your home, it's hard to know who those contractors are employing.  So true, and such a common problem.  Most Americans have no idea what the company they hired to mow their lawn is doing.

8:47PM: Perry wants to use predator drones to secure the Mexican border.  I may be underestimating the entertainment value of a Perry Presidency.

8:48PM: Bachmann (who appears to be dressed like a Navy Admiral) attacks President Obama for having illegal immigrant family members (kind of disgusting, even for her).  Then she proposes building a double fence.  Oh! Double fence!  That's twice as much fence!

8:51PM: Romney says everyone on the stage "loves legal immigration".  Santorum doesn't look so sure.

8:52PM: Pretty pro-Mitt crowd tonight.  There are more mormons in Las Vegas than you think.

8:54PM: Ron Paul is being extra nice tonight, so allow me to translate what he just said about the idea of a border fence.  Ron can understand why stupid people would be pacified by building a fence, but it wouldn't work and the rest of these people are morons for supporting it.

8:56PM: Cain refuses to answer Cooper's question about repealing or changing the 14th amendment, so Anderson moves on to Rick Perry, who also refuses to answer the question until slipping in a quiet "no" at the end.

8:58PM: We were talking about Latinos, and somehow Santorum jumped into faith and family and found his way to suggesting that same sex marriage is destroying families (ya know, somehow).  Rick Santorum is destroying my sanity.

9:02PM: They're talking about Yucca Mountain now.  Welcome to primary politics.  Mitt Romney has always been against burying nuclear waste in Nevada, ever since three hours ago when he got to Nevada.  And he'll always be against it, for as long as he's in Nevada.

9:06PM: Mitt Romney believes in free markets.  They've certainly worked for Mitt.  Free markets are a lot like casinos, in that, if you go in with billions of dollars, you'll probably leave with billions of dollars, but if you go in poor, you'll probably leave poor.

9:08PM: Michele Bachmann is against women losing their homes.  No mention of men, but she's strongly against women losing their homes.  That was kind of weird.

9:09PM: Coop is asking them about Occupy Wall Street.  This should be good.

9:09PM: Cain defends his idea that, if you aren't rich, it's your own damn fault.  The crowd eats it up.  Welcome to the Republican party.

9:11PM: Ron Paul lays out as good an explanation of why people are angry at Wall Street as you'll hear from anyone.  I mean, he just nailed it.  It really is too bad he's so crazy sometimes.

9:12PM: Herman Cain says he doesn't understand what these people on Wall Street want.  I think that pretty much sums it up.

9:13PM: These guys literally can't bring themselves to say banks did anything wrong.  Romney honestly looked like he was trying to say it and the words just wouldn't come out.

9:19PM: Uh oh, Cooper just specifically asked Santorum about faith.  I thought I was going to need a new TV, but Rick actually reigned it in a bit.  He almost sounded reasonable.  He didn't even call mormonism a cult (good call there if he wants to get out of Nevada alive).

9:22PM: Gingrich - "how can you have judgment if you have no faith?"  Yes Newt, blind belief in your invisible friend is the height of good judgment.

9:23PM: In the discussion of faith, Perry just said the American people have lost faith in the resident of the White House.  Zing!  Rick likes to have fun with words.

9:27PM: Bachmann says cutting defense spending is on the table, as long as we're not talking about actual dollar amounts.

9:28PM: Gingrich - "I'm a hawk, but I'm a cheap hawk".  In related news, Newt's a whore, but he's an expensive whore.

9:29PM: There goes crazy Ron Paul again, talking about how our empire is costing too much money and how that's what killed every empire in history and how maybe we don't need troops in Germany anymore.  Ol' crazy Ron.

9:32PM: Santorum would "absolutely not cut one penny" of defense spending.  I could construct a clever joke here, but it's easier to just say Rick Santorum is an idiot.

9:34PM: Some dope in the audience just asked about the foreign aid budget.  I wonder if any of these people will tell her how insignificant it is.  I'm gonna guess no (I was right).

9:35PM: I should be more surprised to hear that none of these alleged christians will defend humanitarian aid to other countries, but I'm not.

9:37PM: Bachmann, of course, wouldn't cut foreign aid to Israel, because Israel is special.  Not because she actually cares about Israelis, but because "you know who" can't come back unless Israel is all squared away.

9:44PM: On the question of electability, Santorum points out that he won Pennsylvania twice.  Yeah, but then he lost it that one time and pretty much went down in flames.  I wonder if he remembers that.

9:47PM: Not surprisingly, the discussion of electability has devolved into attack Mitt Romney time.  I think we can all agree that none of these people are electable.

9:48PM: Romney keeps picking fights with Perry.  Careful Mitt, Rick is pretty unstable and may be armed.  Also, Nevada loves them some Romney.  It's crazy.

9:50PM: Cain says he'll be "the problem solver who fixes stuff".  Oh! I want him! The guy who will "fix stuff"!  My biggest concern about Herman Cain is that we might actually be stupid enough to vote for him.

9:51PM: Gingrich, for about the 5th time in these debates, admonishes the moderator for, ya know, asking tough questions and making the candidates defend things they've previously said.  So unfair.

I guess that's it.  No closing statements.  CNN really knows how to put on a crappy debate.  Cooper had no control all night and then it just kind of ended suddenly. 

There are way too many debates for any one debate to really matter, but I think Herman Cain got roughed up pretty good tonight, probably the beginning of the end for him.  I'll miss the Pizza Man.  On the other hand, Mitt Romney appeared to almost have an emotion at one point in tonight's debate, so that's something.  Only 50 debates to go.

Herman Cain Keeps It Simple

The Republican nomination for 2012 is up for grabs, and for at least the 5th time this year, someone new has jumped to the front of the line.  Herman Cain is surging in the polls, and it isn't just because Mitt Romney is most likely a robot sent from the future to bore us all to death so the robots can take over.  Herman gets it.  People like things simple.  Like Herman's 999 tax plan (an idea stolen, quite obviously, from one of my favorite bands http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1bimNMiz250). 

That's 9% taxes, sales tax, income tax, whatever.  Sure, it doesn't "make economic sense" and it couldn't "get any votes in Congress", but that's not what Mr. Cain cares about.  He's not one of those political types who wants to "do realistic things" or "govern the country properly".  He just wants to keep it simple.  And he's soooo right you guys.  In America, everything we do to run the country should be so simple a drunk toddler can understand it. 

And that's not all.  Herman Cain is the same guy who once suggested that Congress shouldn't pass any legislation longer than three pages.  That was a while ago now, and I'm hearing that Herman is refining this plan so that, under a Cain Presidency, all laws must be constructed in tweet form.  If it's more than 140 characters, Herman Cain won't sign it!

But why stop there?  Why just fix the tax code and Congress when we have so many other problems?  Well, I have an inside source and I'm here to tell you, Herman isn't stopping there.  Here are some of the other plans you can expect to hear from Mr. Cain in the coming weeks and months.

Law Enforcement: The Super 12 Plan
Anyone who is convicted of a crime, no matter what they did, goes to jail for exactly 12 years.  Jaywalking?  12 years.  Arrested for occupying Wall St.?  12 years.  Beat a mime to death with a pogo stick?  12 years.  Our criminal justice systems spends way to much time and taxpayer money trying to figure out "fair" sentences and when someone should be allowed to get out of jail.  And if 12 years wasn't enough for you, you can just kill another mime and go right back for 12 more years.

Foreign Policy: The Law of Threes
We must always be in three wars at any given time, no more, no less.  And any war we enter must last exactly three years.  See, this way, there's no messy and confusing public debate about whether or not we should go to war with another country.  It's simple!  How many wars are we in right now?  If it's three, than sorry, no new wars today, but we'll put it on the waiting list.  But if it's less than three, everybody in Yemen better run because it's bombin' time! 

Additionally, no more hard decisions about when to leave a country we've reduced to rubble.  Three years and we're done...and you're welcome.  You wouldn't leave a pizza in the oven after the timer went off, right?

Health Care: The NyQuil Plan
We all know trying to get people affordable access to health care is socialism.  And who needs all those fancy-pants doctors anyway?  They're always using big words nobody can understand like "myocardial" and "kidney".  If you're not feeling well in President Cain's America, just go to the store and get yourself some NyQuil.  You don't need to "know" what's wrong, NyQuil will fix it, or put you to sleep until it goes away on it's own. 

They don't all have to be about numbers.  This isn't about numbers, it's about keeping it simple.

Energy: Drill Baby Drill
We all know the two biggest problems with energy.  Number one, we're just not drilling enough.  We all know that god has placed an infinite amount of oil in the Earth for us to use (well, not infinite, but enough so that we'll have some until whenever Jesus comes back).  Unfortunately, godless hippies keep complaining about how we're "running out of oil" and how we need to "plan for the future".  Stupid jerks.  What we need to do is drill more.  And we need to be able to do it without interference from the second problem, regulation.

So here's the two-part plan.  First, everybody gets a drill.  On day one of a Cain Presidency, you'll come downstairs in the morning and, just like Christmas, you'll find your livingroom full of oil drilling equipment.  Drill in your backyard, your front yard, the street in front of your house, under your basement, anywhere you think oil might be.  More drilling=more oil, so if we're all drilling, then we'll have all the oil we'll ever need.  Of course, once you find the oil, you have to give the property you found it under to a big oil company.  Herman won't jeopardize profits, he's not insane. 

As for part two, we have to find a way around these environmentalists and their government regulation, so here's the deal.  Let's say you're visiting the Gulf of Mexico, or ANWR.  As a good American, you've got your drilling supplies with you.  Let's say you come across a little piece of land you think might have some oil under it and you'd like to drill and find out.  No problem.  Just yell OIL! really loud and wait 15 minutes.  If Al Gore doesn't show up to complain, start drilling baby. 

What about alternative energy?  What about it?  Herman Cain doesn't buy into liberal myths like "wind" or "the sun".  Having more than one energy source is super complicated.  We're sticking with what we know.

The Economy: Lucky Sevens
Cain's 999 plan is a start, but that's not all.  To fix this economy and put America back to work, Cain has a seven point economic plan which is sure to do the trick.

1) Right now, unemployment insurance can last up to 99 weeks.  Republicans know that's way too long, and people need incentive to get back to work.  Under a Cain Presidency, unemployment will last for 7 days, plenty of time to find a new job and get back to work.

2) Drop the minimum wage down to 7 cents an hour.  Listen people, we need to compete with China.  Do you want to move all the way to China for a job?  Or do you just want to live like a Chinese worker right here in America?  I thought so.

3) Get rid of unions until there's only 7 left in the country.  And by 7, I mean 0.

4) Once a week, President Cain will pick the names of seven poor families out of a hat (hat's gonna be pretty full most weeks with the new minimum wage).  He'll send the 7 lucky winners a pizza.  There's no free lunches in America, so they'll have to pay him back once they decide to stop being poor.

5) TBD

7) 9+9+9=7 (right?)

Only 6 points, you say?  Listen, Herman Cain isn't worried about counting to seven, he's worried about America.  He's gonna build a 20-foot electric border fence with an alligator moat, he's gonna keep things simple and he's gonna fix the country...or maybe he's just gonna go on a book tour and endorse Rick Perry.  Who the hell knows?

OK, this was fun, but the truth is, Cain's recent surge in popularity points to a more serious problem.  It's not a surprise that the tea people have suddenly latched onto Herman and his promise to make everything simple enough for them to understand.  This is what happens when one party's message and platform get overrun by the misinformed masses. 

It's easy to dismiss Cain as the new flavor of the week and say he'll be back down at 5% a month from now.  But what if that doesn't happen?  Cain is just crazy enough to go through all of the remaining 349 debates without saying anything rational enough to get him in trouble with the tea people.  And what if Romney stumbles?  What if Cain somehow gets the nomination?  The President is vulnerable, the economy doesn't look to be turning around anytime soon.  There are perfectly realistic scenarios in which any Republican nominee beats the President.  President Cain?  Certainly not likely, but it's hard to say, at this point, that's it's impossible.  This is the kind of thing that keeps me up at night.

The Invisible Debate

Much has changed since we last saw the Republican candidates.  Rick Perry's campaign seems to have completely fallen apart.  Media people will have you believe Perry is losing ground because he looked kinda silly toward the end of the last couple of debates, but it's actually because the tea people found out that, as Governor, he sometimes had to do things that made sense.  That's just not how the tea people roll. 

Replacing Rick as this week's flavor of the week is The Pizza Man himself, Herman Cain.  I hope he enjoys his brief time at the top, before Republicans decide he's a little too..um.."urban" to be President. 

Tonight's debate is only being televised on Bloomberg TV, which means I'm the only one watching.  I expect to be pandered to pretty heavily.  The Bloomberg people start by telling me that tonight's debate will be different and special, and boy were they right.  The candidates are sitting down.  Consider my mind blown.

8:03PM: Herman Cain jumps right in by mentioning his awesome 999 plan.  That's three 9-inch personal pan pizzas for just nine dollars each, all day on the 9th day of every month.

8:05PM: Perry already looks like he's getting sleepy.  Not a good sign.

8:06PM: Romney - "you have to stand by your principles".  Excuse me?  Mitt Romney wouldn't know principles if you wrote them in permanent marker on his face.

8:10PM: Bachmann blames the financial meltdown entirely on the Federal government...Gingrich doubles down by suggesting Barney Frank and Chris Dodd should go to jail.  Newt's one of those people who I'd be willing to pay to shut up.

8:13PM: It's funny to watch the other candidates' eyes glaze over whenever Ron Paul starts using big words.  Ron correctly points to the bubble and burst economic cycle as a huge part of the problem.  Of course, he fails to point out that FDR was able to moderate the boom and bust cycle that had plagued the country before his Presidency, and things were pretty good for about 50 years until Ronald Reagan came along and ruined everything.

8:16PM: Huntsman - "Washington DC is the gas capital of the country".  Zing!

8:18PM: Newt Gingrich is very anti prostate cancer.  Still pro cervical cancer though, as far as I know.  He's a puzzle.

8:23PM: Huntsman stole my joke about Cain's 999 plan being related to pizza prices.  Then he proposed what is, at this table, a modest 10% corporate tax cut.  That basically makes him the socialist of this crowd.

8:25PM: Cain claims to have a number of economists who have worked with him on his 999 plan.  When pressed, he names one...Rich Lowry out of Cleveland, TX or Cleveland, OH.  OK then.

8:27PM: Romney objects to being asked a hypothetical question.  Isn't the whole Presidential campaign about what these people would hypothetically do as President?  Then Romney defends the 2008 Wall Street bailout and ducks.

8:29PM:  Two minutes later, Romney says "you don't wanna bail out anybody...that's a terrible idea".  Mitt appears to have a new strategy.  Instead of saying something now and flip-flopping later, he's just going to say both things at the same time from now on. 

8:31PM:  The moderator just asked Ron Paul if he would get the federal government out of housing.  Has he ever met or heard of Ron Paul?  Is there anything Ron wouldn't get the federal government out of?  That's like asking Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry if they think Jesus is swell.

8:37PM: There's a picture of Teddy Roosevelt on the wall of the debate arena.  Some of the candidates were actively booing at it during the commercial break (that may have only happened in my head). 

8:38PM: Video clip of Saint Reagan making the exact same "fair share" argument that the President's been making for two months.  They threw the question at Perry and he parlayed it into a talking point about a balanced budget amendment. 

8:40PM: Romney - "get Americans back to work so they can pay taxes."  So, just to be clear, Republicans want to stop making corporations pay taxes so the American people can get back to work and start paying taxes again. 

8:41PM: These candidates are climbing all over each other to jump in and say they'll never ever ever agree to any tax increase ever.  Still no comment from anyone on the Reagan clip.

8:44PM: Can we just get a show of hands from anyone who thinks we need to cut spending and move on? 

8:45PM: Cain says Bloomberg's analysis of his 999 plan is incorrect because it assumes that the plan would happen in reality.  If they would just look at his plan in Herman Cain's imagination, they'd see that it's an awesome idea.

8:48PM: Bachmann points out that 999 upside-down is 666.  She's not saying Herman Cain is the anti-christ, she's just saying...ya know...666.

8:49PM: Huntsman, the former ambassador to China, is talking about how we have to find a way to work with China.  Romney, who may or may not be able to find China on a map, makes faces at him.  Romney promises to pick a fight with China over currency on day one. 

8:52PM: Perry - "we don't need any plan."  You might think I'm unfairly quoting him out of context, but not really.  He was basically saying that we don't need plans and policies, just leadership and talking points. 

8:54PM: Santorum doubles down on Mitt's plan.  He doesn't want to have a trade war with China, he wants to win a trade war with China. 

8:57PM: We're having a hard time agreeing on what kind of war we want to have with China, but we can all agree that Obamacare (passed in 2010) is what killed the economy (which happened in 2008).

9:06PM:  This should be fun, the candidates get to question each other.  First up, Bachmann slams Perry for supporting Al Gore in 1988, overspending as a Governor and running up debt in Texas.  Perry responds by saying that Texas has the 2nd lowest debt per capita in the U.S.  He failed to mention that, since nobody in Texas knows how to count, we really don't know if that's true.

9:08PM: Cain asks Romney if he can name all 59 points in his economic plan.  Cain's basic point is that Romney's plan isn't simple enough.  Romney points out that simple answers aren't always good ones.  Good for him.  That's really the problem with the whole Cain campaign, if you can't fit it on a t-shirt, Cain doesn't want to know about it.

9:10PM: Romney - "I'm not worried about rich people, they're doing just fine".  Who is this guy and what has he done with Mitt Romney?

9:11PM: Good joke from Hunstman, promising Romney his question "won't be about religion".  Clever. Obviously, it flew over the other candidates' heads, and most of the audience too.  Huntsman is like 10 IQ points too smart for the current Republican party.

9:14PM: Ron Paul asked Herman Cain if he supports auditing the Fed.  Cain says if someone wants to do that, they can go ahead, it doesn't bother him.  There you go..."Cain 2012 - Do Whatever The Fuck You Want!"

9:17PM: Romney says the problem with Obamacare is that it raises taxes.  He really emphasized that.  He's right.  What kind of monster would propose a modest tax increase just to get health care to millions of people?

9:18PM:  Santorum knows that R comes before S in the alphabet.  Frankly, that's more than I thought he knew.

9:19PM: Romney asks Bachmann how she'd get people back to work.  Doesn't he know no one cares what she thinks anymore?  Michele Bachmann is sooo two months ago.  Anyway, Bachmann took it as an opportunity to plug her website...twice.

9:22PM: Santorum attacks four of his opponents for supporting TARP in 2008.  Santorum, of course, was off googling his name somewhere in 2008 because he was unemployed at the time.  Weren't we all happier with Rick Santorum just being gone?  Why is he back?  Have we done something wrong?

9:27PM: Perry just tried and failed to pronounce the names of a few different people, including fellow Republican Governor Bobby Jindal.  He definitely reminds me of someone.  Perry keeps ending his statements by hitting applause lines and then waiting for the applause that never come as it slowly dawns on him that his campaign is about 99% over.

9:31PM: Herman Cain apparently has two candidates already picked as Fed chairman.  Since there's no chance he wins, and since he's refusing to name them, I'm going to assume they're fictional characters.  Batman would make a good Fed chair, I think.

9:32PM: Ron Paul (after Herman Cain praised Alan Greenspan as the best Fed chairman in the last 40 years) - "Alan Greenspan was a disaster!"  Ron's the best.  He went on to hammer away at Greenspan for about 90 seconds.  I think, when this campaign is over and Ron finishes 5th, someone needs to give him his own TV show.

9:37PM: Ron Paul points out how it's so misleading to suggest that all these problems have happened in the last two years.  I think I heard a collective "shhhhhh" from the rest of the candidates.

9:39PM: Bloomberg shows the Republican candidates a clip of George W. Bush.  That's a low blow.  These people have all agreed to pretend they've never met George W. Bush, OK?  Just leave it alone.  It never happened.  There was Clinton, and then we all passed out, and when we woke up, Obama was getting socialism all over everything and ruining the country. 

9:44PM: Perry is asked about the income gap that's been widening in America for the last 30 years.  His answer, it's Obama's fault. 

9:45PM: Santorum takes the discussion of poverty as an opportunity to suggest women should just cook and raise the kids and let the men work.  You can always count on Rick to say the stupidest thing of the night, and that's really saying something.

Closing Statements (on how they can connect with people's pain right now)
Bachmann: "I used to be poor"
Cain: "Me too!"
Newtster: "I'm related to some poor people"
Ron Paul: "Liberty will fix poverty"
Santorum: Rick theorizes that our economic struggles might have something to do with all the manufacturing jobs we've lost.  Wow...what a theory!  Someone should really look into that.
Huntsman: "Life is sad"...and something about the dignity of a job.
Perry: "make America America again"
Mittster: Give Mitt some credit, he didn't even try to pretend he understands what it's like to be poor.

Republicans Say The Darndest Things

Whenever Fox hosts a debate, I'm always stuck watching a couple of minutes of O'Reilly before it starts.  I really can't stand him.  Arrogance has to be earned through superior intelligence, but O'Reilly's combination of crazy arrogance and astounding stupidity really defies description.  Also, there appears to be a muffin controversy going on, I'm sure I don't want to know.

Tonight's debate is sponsored by Fox News and Google, and being streamed on Youtube.  Fox anchors Chris Wallace and Bret Baier are doing the questioning, along with Fox "anchor" Megyn Kelly.  Also, there's a new guy on the stage.  Former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson is joining in the fun tonight.  Let's do it.

9:04PM: Perry promises that we'll see a more extensive jobs plan from him, ya know, eventually.

9:05PM: Mitt Romney has a 59 point economic plan.  For a minute there I thought he was going to go over all 59 points, but he stopped at four.  In the earlier debates, it was a seven point plan.  Mitt Romney will keep adding points to his plan until we promise to vote for him.

9:08PM: Bachmann says "people deserve to keep every dollar they earn".  Is she proposing a 0% tax rate?  Somebody had to do it eventually.

9:10PM: Santorum boldly comes out against public worker unions.  It makes sense that Rick hates teachers, some of them know science, and boy does Rick hate science, and gays, and women.

9:11PM: Gingrich says you should have to participate in a training program in order to collect unemployment insurance, because "people should not get money for doing nothing".  Training for what, Newt?  There aren't any fucking jobs!

9:14PM: Huntsman basically dismissed solar and wind energy as crazy future stuff we can't do right now, and sadly, he's probably right.  Ya know, I don't think Ronald Reagan gets called an idiot enough for taking the solar panels off the white house.

9:15PM: Wallace asks Cain about his hilarious 999 tax plan.  Herman understands how much Americans hate math.  Math tests would be much easier if all the answers were just 9.

9:17PM: Question for Ron Paul from a woman named Brandy and a guy in a backwards hat.  Ron promises to veto any bill that violates the 10th amendment.  Of course, that's only going to happen in the crazy alternate universe where Ron Paul actually gets to be President.

9:19PM: Not a good start for Gary Johnson, who says he's run for two political offices in his life, but he was counting the Governorship of New Mexico twice.  He reminds me of someone, but I can't put my finger on it yet.

9:21: We just learned that 44% of Fox viewers think you aren't rich if you earn $500,000 a year.  That concerns me, and so does the fact the Fox's percentages added up to 101.

9:27PM: Romney keeps referring to Perry's book.  Perry's face while he's doing it says "go ahead Mitt, keep tellin em you know how to read, and they'll keep votin for me".

9:28PM: Poor Mitt, he had one good idea as a Governor, and now he has to pretend it never happened.  By the way, is this a debate or a book fair?

9:30PM: Does Mitt Romney believe President Obama is a socialist?  Romney called him something worse, suggesting that the President is sort of European-y.  Ouch.

9:31PM: Kelly asked Huntsman about how 66% of people agree with raising taxes on the wealthy.  Instead of just pointing out that most people are idiots and we shouldn't be putting economic policy up for a majority vote, he went off on a whole taxes=freedom tangent.  I think Jon's been hanging around these morons too long.

9:34PM: Cain says the EPA has gone wild.  Worst "gone wild" video ever.  Then he finishes with "the solution is...fix it!"  OK then.

9:35PM: Gingrich always seems like he's angry that someone dared to ask him a question.  Crap! I forgot to award the prize for the first mention of Ronald Reagan, I think Huntsman got it about ten minutes back.

9:36PM: Everybody gets 30 seconds to bash the Department of Education.  I think my favorite part was Mitt Romney's suggestion that the teachers unions hire more teachers.  That's going to be kind of tough when we're busting the teachers unions and eliminating all federal funding for public education. 

9:43PM: Bachmann says she'd go over to the Department of Education and "turn out the lights".  I think she's got how you eliminate a cabinet department confused with how you put a parrot to sleep.

9:45PM: Ohhh, we're talking about the stupid border fence again.  This is like Groundhog Day, only instead of hilarious Bill Murray antics, I'm getting terrible Republican ideas over and over again.

If anyone's interested, here's what I think about immigration http://somethingclever13.blogspot.com/2010/04/guardians-of-secret.html
I don't know if I'm right, but I know I'm smarter than these people.

9:57PM: Fox appears to be using google searches for coupons as a measure of economic health.  It didn't even lead to a question, it was just two minutes of random facts about what people are googling followed by a commercial break.  Sigh.

10:03PM: Foreign policy time.  Romney suggests we should never disagree with Israel, ever, on anything.  I guess that's one way to do it.

10:04PM: Everyone shut up and let Ron Paul talk! Damnit! What do I care what Herman Cain thinks about foreign policy?  Do they have a lot of Godfather's Pizza franchises in Jerusalem?

10:06PM: Perry is doing the old George Bush "watch me pronounce these foreigner names" trick.  They actually asked him a really good question about what he'd do if Pakistan lost command and control of their nuclear weapons.  Spoiler alert...Rick didn't answer the question.

10:07PM: Rick Santorum is the Mozart of warmongering.

10:10PM: Stupid question about the foreign aid budget.  Who screens these questions?

10:11PM: Somehow Bret Baier's question about our Cuba policy led Gary Johnson right back to his talking point about balancing the federal budget. 

10:12PM: They went through the whole foreign policy section without asking Ron Paul or the former ambassador to China, Jon Huntsman, any questions.  Fuck you Fox.

10:16PM: The Republican crowd just booed a gay soldier.  Proud moment for Florida.

10:16PM: Santorum refers to repealing don't ask don't tell as giving homosexual soldiers a "special privilege".  Somehow, in Rick Santorum's mind, kicking gay people out of the military is making sex "not an issue" and treating everyone the same.  I've made this point before.  If you hate a certain group of people, just say that, and then we can judge you.  Don't stand there and try to convince me that not discriminating against a certain group of people is somehow "treating them special".  You are awarded no points, Rick Santorum, and may your imaginary god have mercy on your soul.

10:23PM: If Chris Wallace isn't going to make these people actually answer the questions, I really don't know what he's doing there. 

10:26PM: Bachmann refuses to apologize for suggesting that the HPV vaccine causes mental retardation and defends herself by saying she never made that claim, she just repeated it when someone else said it.  It's like she's trying in each debate to say something stupider than anything she said in the previous debate.

10:27PM: I'm still a little concerned that Rick Perry has to defend his opposition to cancer, but he's doing a solid job of it.  I don't know if he actually gives a crap about preventing cervical cancer in Texas, but he's certainly doing a good job of seeming like he does.

10:30PM: Romney only has two gears, way too passive or super-dismissive asshole.  He's going to need to find a middle ground.

10:32PM: Perry seems a little frustrated right now, like he's tired of this.  I don't blame him, he just spent three minutes arguing with Michele Bachmann about whether or not preventing cancer is good.  But he gets this really whiny tone in his voice when he gets annoyed, he needs to work on that.

10:38PM: Hunstman just mentioned some small town sheriff from New Hampshire.  Now that's what I call pandering!

10:40PM: Mitt says we're the only people in the world who put our hands over our hearts during the national anthem.  That can't be true, can it?

I just want to make this point again, because we're smack in the middle of a Reagan-fest right now.  Ronald Reagan was a corporate shill who destroyed the middle class and set us on the path that led to the economic disaster of 2008.  If our economy never comes all the way back, and America is never quite the same, history will record that our downfall started at the moment of Ronald Reagan's inauguration.  This insidious idea that Reagan was some kind of great leader is one of the many things currently destroying the Republican party.

10:48PM: Why does Newt always have to make some kind of snide remark about every question?  Just answer the questions man. I know you're not that bright, but they aren't that hard.

10:51PM: The final question asked each candidate who on the stage they would choose as a running mate.  Rick Santorum suggested that he would run with Newt Gingrich.  I'm gonna go hide under my bed for a while now.

Pandermonium

There's a thing on my TV tonight called the Tea Party Republican Debate.  I'm certainly not planning on watching every single Republican primary debate, but come on CNN!  Am I supposed to somehow not make fun of this?

Once again, if you're unfamiliar with the participants, consult my commentary on the first debate http://somethingclever13.blogspot.com/2011/08/meeting-of-cult-of-tax-cuts.html, then subtract poor Tim Pawlenty and add The Texas Tornado Rick Perry.

Here we go!  CNN and the tea party express present the third Republican debate.  (that's right, the tea party express, making stops in Crazytown, Idiotsville and Imagination Land).  No truth to the rumor that all of tonight's candidates will be dressed as Thomas Jefferson.  Also no truth to the rumor that Rick Perry has agreed to give himself syphilis to be more like Benjamin Franklin.

8:01PM:  CNN's introduction to the debate included labeling Newt Gingrich "the big thinker".  Stop saying that, he's a clown.  You're confusing being a big thinker with having a big head.

8:03PM: Blitzer says "members of the tea party express will play an active role in this debate".  YEAH!!!!!! I couldn't be more excited.

8:06PM: CNN got someone to sing the national anthem before this debate.  I'm not kidding.  Sidenote, this is the whitest audience I've ever seen anywhere, and I've been to hockey games.

8:09PM: Before the debate, each candidate was asked to guess the total volume of Wolf Blitzer's beard.  Hunstman guessed that he trimmed it pretty good right before the debate, nailed it, and got to introduce himself first.  Each candidate got to introduce his or her self in about 20 seconds.

8:10PM: Romney says he understands why jobs come to America and why they go.  As I understand it, many jobs go because of Mitt Romney.

8:12PM: Gingrich teases being the first to mention 9/11 tonight, but he just said 9/12 twice.  I think he's trying to bait the others.  Well played Newtster.

8:14PM: Bachmann says "President Obama stole over $500 billion from Medicare".  That's quite a heist.  She also accused him of stealing her lunch every day from the Congressional cafeteria.

8:16PM: Romney slams Perry on social security.  Someone should warn Mitt that Rick is probably armed.  Romney will not back off asking Perry if he still thinks Social Security is unconstitutional, like he said in his book.  That's right, Rick Perry wrote a book.  Or at least put his name on a book.  Rick seems not super interested in answering the question.

8:21PM: Huntsman jumps in suggesting that Romney didn't write his own book.  I think we should start calling Jon "The Magic Mormon".  I think that could really catch on for him.

8:22PM: Gingrich points out that President Obama "scares the American people", and gets a huge round of applause.  Newt really hit the nail on the head there.  These tea people are terrified of black peop...umm...socialist policies.

8:24PM: This is a mess, I honestly don't know if I can do this for two hours, Blitzer has no control. 

8:28PM: I think I figured out why I'm so bored right now.  This whole first 20 minutes has been about senior citizens.  Makes perfect sense considering that's roughly 75% of the Republican base, but it's not doing much for me.

8:29PM: Perry brags about how he saved billions of dollars in Texas, and all he had to do was cut half of his Health and Human Services departments. 

8:30PM: Romney suggests capping the federal budget at 20% of GDP.  That's disappointing from Mitt because I know he knows that's a dumbass idea.  There are a few people on this stage that I honestly don't believe are morons, Mitt's one of them.  I'm not sure he's a good guy, and I know I wouldn't vote for him, but he's not an idiot.  I wish he'd stop acting like one.

8:32PM: While I was pontificating about Romney, I think Ron Paul just suggested eliminating every cabinet department.

8:36PM: Huntsman compares our dependence on foreign oil to a heroin addiction.  Not a bad comparison.  Unfortunately, the Republican solution to this particular heroin addiction is to start producing more of our own heroin.  Doesn't every drug addict have that idea at some point?

8:40PM: Perry says "we're tired of spending money on programs we don't want".  I'm so sick of this argument.  Where did people get the idea that the government should only spend tax dollars on things they like?  As a great TV character once said "lots of people don't like tanks...even more don't like Congress".

8:41PM: Cain mentions his hilarious 999 plan again.  That's 9% taxes on everything, for everyone, all the time.  Clearly, Herman believes in job growth through the magic power of tax cuts.

8:43PM: Romney goes over his 7 point plan for the economy again.  Mitt also has a 7 point plan for never getting the Republican nomination. 

8:44PM: Romney keeps saying "Texas is a great state".  Hey Mitt, you're not winning a primary in Texas.  Give it up.

8:46PM: Ron Paul slams Perry on raising taxes and spending in Texas and suggests cutting all the spending we're doing on our little adventures all over the world.  He keeps saying that, and the other candidates keep ignoring him.

8:47PM: Perry dubs Texas "the land of freedom in America".  I don't even know what to say about that one.

8:48PM: Newt says "the American PEOPLE" create jobs, not government.  Yeah, but they aren't.  Then Newt gets the prize for the first mention of Ronald Reagan.  He kept emphasizing the word PEOPLE in a really annoying way. 

8:49PM: Did you know Herman Cain ran a region or something for Burger King?  He's the funniest candidate since Ross Perot.

8:51PM: The other candidates always seem to be smirking whenever Huntsman is talking, like they're thinking "crap, what if people realize he's smarter than us?".

8:56PM: Santorum, once again, brings up his proposal for 0% corporate taxes.  Why don't we just give them all the money?  Just get all your shit together, go empty out your bank account and leave it all at the doorstep of your favorite giant corporation.  Then maybe they'll like us.

9:02PM: Blitzer asked Gingrich about tax breaks for oil companies.  Gingrich answered by bringing up the tax breaks that GE gets.  Good argument Newt; "we're all whores, so it's OK and you just have to live with it". 

9:04PM: Gingrich makes the old Republican point that "we don't have a revenue problem, we have an overspending problem".  Republicans don't really understand how money works, I've noticed that being rich will do that to you sometimes.

9:04PM: Question about the fair tax.  Where's Huckleberry when you need him?  Romney gets booed for pointing out that the fair tax (basically a national sales tax) is incredibly regressive and would take tax burden off of the wealthy and put it on the middle class.  Mitt should have known better.

9:08PM: For the second debate in a row, we're arguing about Rick Perry's evil plan to prevent teenagers from getting genital warts and cervical cancer in Texas.  I think it's weird that multiple Republican candidates seem to be pro genital warts. 

9:10PM: Bachmann accuses Perry of using his HPV vaccine plan as a give away to a drug company that contributed to his campaign.  Perry says he's offended at the suggestion that he can be bought for only $5,000.

9:12PM: Nobody likes genital warts more than Rick Santorum.  I can't believe I'm actually with Rick Perry on something, but seriously, what's wrong with these people?

9:13PM: Cain just said something stupid, but I honestly don't have time to get into it, you'll just have to take my word for it.

9:17PM: Romney just brought up the imaginary Obamacare death panels.  That's some good old fashioned pandering right there. 

9:19PM: Great sequence:
1) Blitzer asked Ron Paul about what should happen if an uninsured 30 year old has a serious accident.
2) Ron basically says screw that guy, he took his own risk, that's what freedom is all about.
3) Blitzer asks "so we should just let him die?"
4) Before Ron can answer, the suggestion of just letting him die gets a huge cheer from the crowd.
Ladies and gentlemen, the tea party.

9:21PM: So let me get this straight, Congresswoman Bachmann.  How do you feel about Obamacare?  I can't tell.  Are you against it?

9:28PM: Rick Perry says the dumbass border fence is a stupid idea.  Listen, if Rick Perry keeps saying things that aren't stupid, I'm going to start getting really nervous.  Also, Santorum just reminded us that "illegal" and "Latino" are synonyms in his brain.

9:31PM: Now Perry's suggesting we treat immigrants like people instead of chasing them back to Mexico with pitchforks.  It's like I've drifted into some alternate universe.  What's happening right now?

9:33PM: Even the other candidates seem confused.  Huntsman just gave a one minute answer that made no sense at all and included calling Rick Perry treasonous for pointing out that you can't just build a fence to keep Mexicans away. 

9:34PM: Now Romney's going on about sanctuary cities and how he wants to build the fence too.  If these guys like fences so much, why don't they just go build one around their houses and leave the rest of us alone?

9:36PM: Huntsman takes a quick swipe at Romney's flip-floppery.  Jon's pretty punchy tonight, I think he knows his time is almost up.  I'm still dizzy from the whole Perry thing.

9:37PM: Blitzer wants to know what Herman Cain will do about energy independence.  Cain basically suggests creating a commission to regulate the EPA's regulation of industry.  That damn EPA, they're always regulating stuff.

9:39PM: Finally, Gingrich mentions 9/11.  Took him long enough.

9:40PM: Ron Paul just drew an important distinction between military spending and defense spending.  There goes crazy Ron again, making good points about how we really wound up with all this debt. 

9:41PM: Santorum accuses Ron of blaming America for 9/11 (Newt really opened up a can of worms here).  Ron looks ready to pounce...go get him Ron!

9:42PM: Ron didn't back down one bit.  He nailed Santorum for bringing up this old idea that they hate us for our freedom and did a solid job of laying out the real reasons some people hate us (and did a good job of pointing out that it's not the whole Muslim world).  He tried to make the point that trying to explain why some people hate us isn't the same as agreeing with some people on why they hate us.  He got booed pretty loudly.

9:45PM: Now Perry's talking about bringing troops home from Afghanistan.  My head hurts.  He also made a good point about helping Afghanistan build infrastructure, although I wish more Republicans were interested in building infrastructure in America. 

9:49PM: Time to learn something about each candidate, Blitzer asked them all what they'd add to the white house.  Nobody said anything worth repeating until Cain said he'd bring a sense of humor.  You said it Herman.

I don't know what to say about this debate.  I've seen this almost reasonable side of Rick Perry before, it's what made me think he was running in the first place.  It's kind of terrifying.  This may be my last Republican debate, we'll see how I feel when the next one happens.