Six Angry Men (And One Crazy Lady)

In the last three weeks, I've had two separate dreams about the sun being destroyed.  Once by terrorists during a war, and the other time I woke up before we found out exactly what happened.  First of all, I appreciate my brain trying to generate sci-fi movie ideas, but I'll be needing more plausible scenarios if we're going to move forward.  More importantly, it seems like the possibility of one of these Republicans occupying the White House is making my subconscious more than a little nervous. 

I think it's important, if you're watching these debates and realizing how insanely entertaining four years of any of these people might be (not including Mitt Romney, whose whole existence is the antithesis of entertaining), to also realize that the President sometimes actually has to do things and know stuff.  I'm not saying a Herman Cain Presidency would inevitably end in the destruction of the sun, I'm just saying you couldn't rule it out. 

Anyway, live from the fourth circle of hell, it's the 112th Republican debate!

8:04PM: 2011 Newt Gingrich looks like he ate 1994 Newt Gingrich.

8:05PM: After noticing he was absent from the introductions, I used the internets to find out that Jon Huntsman is boycotting tonight's debate to suck up to New Hampshire voters.  Ya know, every time I think one of these people might not be a moron, something like this happens.

8:07PM: Anderson Cooper is tonight's moderator.  We'll have to try not to get too distracted by his handsomeness.  Anderson says he's hoping everyone will leave tonight's debate knowing more about the candidates.  Good luck with that Coop.

8:09PM: Herman Cain says he "solves problems for a living".  If elected, he'll know exactly what to do if the country runs out of pepperoni.

8:10PM: Newt Gingrich says when he's elected he'll "replace class warfare with cooperation".  That's right! Rich people are gonna keep all the money, and the rest of you motherfuckers better cooperate!

8:13PM: Herman Cain repeatedly says, if you just accept his analysis of his 999 plan, instead of, ya know, thinking and stuff, you'll see it's a great plan.  Seriously Herman, even Rick Santorum knows your plan is stupid.  Even Michele Bachmann is smarter than Herman Cain.  Michele Bachmann!

8:16PM: Rick Perry is laying out his own plan "at the end of the week."  Ohhh!  I can't wait to camp out in front of the tax plan store all night on Thursday waiting for Rick's plan to come out.

8:17PM: Cain - "a loaf of bread has five taxes in it right now".  That's a Herman Cain metaphor, I like to call them Cainaphors.

8:19PM: Cain invites families to do their own math on his 999 plan.  Quick note for Herman...Americans do not like math.

8:21PM: Going on roughly 15 minutes of everyone hammering Herman's plan.  The referee needs to step in and stop this fight.

8:22PM: Newt says the 999 plan is more complex than Cain lets on.  I can't tell if he meant that as a compliment or an insult.

8:23PM: Cooper just got Bachmann to admit she's in favor of raising taxes on the 47% of people who pay no federal income tax.  I could have sworn Republicans were against raising taxes.  I'm so confused.

8:24PM: Finally moving on to Romney's plan.  Someone get Herman Cain an ice pack and a drink.

8:26PM: Rick Perry has a tendency to start sentences without knowing where they're going to end.

8:29PM: Santorum and Romney are just yelling at each other now.  Well, Rick's yelling.  The Mittron 3000 is smirking and calmly responding.

8:34PM: Bachmann ends the debate on health care by shouting about repealing "Obamacare".  If anything sums up the Republican view of health care better than a poorly informed person shouting nonsense, I haven't seen it.

8:39PM: I may have been hallucinating, but I think Ron Paul just said we have "too much health care" in this country.  You have to pay attention when Ron's talking, because he'll slip stuff like that in there when you're not listening.

8:41PM: Perry says Texas has one of the finest health care systems in the world.  For the last time, executing everyone who catches a cold is not "health care".

8:41PM: Perry just accused Romney of hiring illegal immigrants to work in his house.  As Romney tried to respond, Perry pulls the same trick Santorum pulled by interrupting him before he could finish.  Romney eventually got so mad he almost short-circuited. 

8:45PM: Finally, Mitt defended himself by saying that if you hire contractors to work at your home, it's hard to know who those contractors are employing.  So true, and such a common problem.  Most Americans have no idea what the company they hired to mow their lawn is doing.

8:47PM: Perry wants to use predator drones to secure the Mexican border.  I may be underestimating the entertainment value of a Perry Presidency.

8:48PM: Bachmann (who appears to be dressed like a Navy Admiral) attacks President Obama for having illegal immigrant family members (kind of disgusting, even for her).  Then she proposes building a double fence.  Oh! Double fence!  That's twice as much fence!

8:51PM: Romney says everyone on the stage "loves legal immigration".  Santorum doesn't look so sure.

8:52PM: Pretty pro-Mitt crowd tonight.  There are more mormons in Las Vegas than you think.

8:54PM: Ron Paul is being extra nice tonight, so allow me to translate what he just said about the idea of a border fence.  Ron can understand why stupid people would be pacified by building a fence, but it wouldn't work and the rest of these people are morons for supporting it.

8:56PM: Cain refuses to answer Cooper's question about repealing or changing the 14th amendment, so Anderson moves on to Rick Perry, who also refuses to answer the question until slipping in a quiet "no" at the end.

8:58PM: We were talking about Latinos, and somehow Santorum jumped into faith and family and found his way to suggesting that same sex marriage is destroying families (ya know, somehow).  Rick Santorum is destroying my sanity.

9:02PM: They're talking about Yucca Mountain now.  Welcome to primary politics.  Mitt Romney has always been against burying nuclear waste in Nevada, ever since three hours ago when he got to Nevada.  And he'll always be against it, for as long as he's in Nevada.

9:06PM: Mitt Romney believes in free markets.  They've certainly worked for Mitt.  Free markets are a lot like casinos, in that, if you go in with billions of dollars, you'll probably leave with billions of dollars, but if you go in poor, you'll probably leave poor.

9:08PM: Michele Bachmann is against women losing their homes.  No mention of men, but she's strongly against women losing their homes.  That was kind of weird.

9:09PM: Coop is asking them about Occupy Wall Street.  This should be good.

9:09PM: Cain defends his idea that, if you aren't rich, it's your own damn fault.  The crowd eats it up.  Welcome to the Republican party.

9:11PM: Ron Paul lays out as good an explanation of why people are angry at Wall Street as you'll hear from anyone.  I mean, he just nailed it.  It really is too bad he's so crazy sometimes.

9:12PM: Herman Cain says he doesn't understand what these people on Wall Street want.  I think that pretty much sums it up.

9:13PM: These guys literally can't bring themselves to say banks did anything wrong.  Romney honestly looked like he was trying to say it and the words just wouldn't come out.

9:19PM: Uh oh, Cooper just specifically asked Santorum about faith.  I thought I was going to need a new TV, but Rick actually reigned it in a bit.  He almost sounded reasonable.  He didn't even call mormonism a cult (good call there if he wants to get out of Nevada alive).

9:22PM: Gingrich - "how can you have judgment if you have no faith?"  Yes Newt, blind belief in your invisible friend is the height of good judgment.

9:23PM: In the discussion of faith, Perry just said the American people have lost faith in the resident of the White House.  Zing!  Rick likes to have fun with words.

9:27PM: Bachmann says cutting defense spending is on the table, as long as we're not talking about actual dollar amounts.

9:28PM: Gingrich - "I'm a hawk, but I'm a cheap hawk".  In related news, Newt's a whore, but he's an expensive whore.

9:29PM: There goes crazy Ron Paul again, talking about how our empire is costing too much money and how that's what killed every empire in history and how maybe we don't need troops in Germany anymore.  Ol' crazy Ron.

9:32PM: Santorum would "absolutely not cut one penny" of defense spending.  I could construct a clever joke here, but it's easier to just say Rick Santorum is an idiot.

9:34PM: Some dope in the audience just asked about the foreign aid budget.  I wonder if any of these people will tell her how insignificant it is.  I'm gonna guess no (I was right).

9:35PM: I should be more surprised to hear that none of these alleged christians will defend humanitarian aid to other countries, but I'm not.

9:37PM: Bachmann, of course, wouldn't cut foreign aid to Israel, because Israel is special.  Not because she actually cares about Israelis, but because "you know who" can't come back unless Israel is all squared away.

9:44PM: On the question of electability, Santorum points out that he won Pennsylvania twice.  Yeah, but then he lost it that one time and pretty much went down in flames.  I wonder if he remembers that.

9:47PM: Not surprisingly, the discussion of electability has devolved into attack Mitt Romney time.  I think we can all agree that none of these people are electable.

9:48PM: Romney keeps picking fights with Perry.  Careful Mitt, Rick is pretty unstable and may be armed.  Also, Nevada loves them some Romney.  It's crazy.

9:50PM: Cain says he'll be "the problem solver who fixes stuff".  Oh! I want him! The guy who will "fix stuff"!  My biggest concern about Herman Cain is that we might actually be stupid enough to vote for him.

9:51PM: Gingrich, for about the 5th time in these debates, admonishes the moderator for, ya know, asking tough questions and making the candidates defend things they've previously said.  So unfair.

I guess that's it.  No closing statements.  CNN really knows how to put on a crappy debate.  Cooper had no control all night and then it just kind of ended suddenly. 

There are way too many debates for any one debate to really matter, but I think Herman Cain got roughed up pretty good tonight, probably the beginning of the end for him.  I'll miss the Pizza Man.  On the other hand, Mitt Romney appeared to almost have an emotion at one point in tonight's debate, so that's something.  Only 50 debates to go.