The Huckleberry Forum

First of all, goodbye Herman Cain.  I thought he'd be around a little longer, at least until he finished 5th in Iowa, but alas, Herman has 99 problems, and bitches are all of them.  My favorite part of his announcement was when he said "I'm not going to be silenced".  Nobody is trying to silence you, you crazy paranoid moron! 

On a related and sadder note, I don't think I can write about the debates anymore.  Where will the funny come from without Cain?  I mean other than Newt, and Santorum, and Perry, and Bachmann.  On second thought, I think we're still OK.

One of the silliest things you can find on your TV is Fox's weekly Huckleberry show.  Every Saturday at 8PM, former Governor, former Presidential candidate and current Fox employee Mike Huckabee hosts an hour long combo of the Hannity show, Dr. Phil, televangelism and SNL.  It's hard to nail down exactly what he does each week, but you can usually find some politics, some people that found jesus at some point and a musical act, which sometimes features Mr. Huckleberry himself on the base guitar. 

Personally, I can't understand why Mike didn't do better when he ran for President.  He's super likable, even if you don't like his politics.  And even though he's also super jesus-y, which is usually a deal breaker for me, even I find him pretty tolerable.  He just kind of seems like a genuinely decent dude. 

My best theory is, he's an actual jesus person.  He's not like the rest of these Republican candidates, who are all for jesus as long as they can ignore all that hippie shit in the new testament.  I think this makes Republicans nervous that Huckleberry may not loathe the poor enough to be their standard bearer.  They're probably right.

Anyway, this week's Huckleberry show is a special edition.  Mike has hired three idiots to help him ask questions of six of the seven remaining Republican candidates (no Huntsman.  Having worked for Comrade Obama, I'm pretty sure he's not allowed in the Fox studios).  Instead of being there all at the same time, it looks like they're talking to the candidates one at a time.  This is close enough to being a debate to catch my attention, although I'm not 100% sure this will turn out readable.  Let's find out.

Huck just introduced the three idiots asking the questions.  They're three Republican Attorneys General.  Oh fun!  That's gonna make it pretty hard for Newt to complain about unfair liberal media questions.  It's also gonna make it unlikely that I'll hear anything that even resembles a good question.  Also, each of the three idiots took a minute before we started to bad-mouth the current President.  Fair and balanced baby!

Newt's up first.  I predict he'll say something stupid and then I'll have to spend the next week listening to people talk about how bold and inspired it was.  Sidenote, Newt's looking even more jowlsy than usual tonight.

8:08PM: On the topic of immigration, Newt just said he would rather have his fate decided by a jury than by a Washington bureaucrat.  I've been on a jury.  There were exactly 3 people on my jury that should have had power over anything.  People are idiots.  I'd rather have my fate decided by a roulette wheel than a jury.

8:09PM: Newt says talking about climate change with Nancy Pelosi was the dumbest thing he's ever done.  That's really saying something.  I could think of at least 150 dumber things.  This also gave us a perfect look into Newt's mind, when he later told us that everything he said with Nancy Pelosi was right, but it was dumb because Nancy Pelosi made it dumb just by being there. 

8:15PM: Newt proposed replacing the EPA with an environmental solutions agency which would have to provide "economic rationale" for everything they do.  This is a perfect illustration of why you can't trust the current Republican party with the environment.  Not everything has to be profitable.  Sometimes other things are important too.

8:16PM: Newt proposes eliminating entire Federal courts if they disagree with him, but he's quick to point out that Congress would have to be with him.  See, I thought we had three independent and co-equal branches of government, but apparently it's more of a majority decision thing.

8:17PM: Just to make me angry, Newt asserts that being anti-religion is inherently anti-American.  Thanks for reminding me why I hate you, Newt. 

8:19PM: Newt says there would be no America without George Washington, and has apparently stolen something from Valley Forge to prove his point.

Newt's done.  That was awful.  Next up, Santorum.  He's just like Newt, only worse.

8:24PM: Santorum is rambling about the family again.  This guy, who claims to be a small government conservative, just criticised the government for not doing enough to encourage marriage.  Rick's great because I don't really have to write jokes for him.  He takes care of the funny on his own.

8:27PM: Rick supports a constitutional amendment to ban abortion.  He also mentioned his support for a Federal definition of marriage.  Rick's government is starting to sound awfully big to me.

8:29PM: Idiot #2 is furious that the EPA is forcing Florida to not pollute their water.  She's so right, who needs clean water?  We're trying to make money here idiots!  Rick blames poorly but deliberately worded legislation.  I should say, I'm probably unfairly biased about this, since I do like to drink water sometimes, but I'm starting to think Republicans shouldn't be allowed to have votes on anything having to do with the environment.

8:31PM: Idiot #3 just asked Santorum why he thinks the founders separated Federal and State power.  We'll be back with the rest of our 7th grade social studies quiz in a minute.

8:32PM: Question about the Defense of Marriage Act, right up Rick's alley.  Rick suggests that it's the President's job to mindlessly support stupid laws that were passed before he got elected.  I'm not sure that's right.  Especially since Rick keeps talking about all the stuff that's on the books now that he won't be doing if he gets elected.

8:34PM: Rick finishes by saying that the courts aren't the only arbiters of the Constitution, but there's no time to find out who else gets to do that.  I kind of want to know.  Come on, Huck!

Next up, Rick Perry.  He has one of the squarest heads in the world.

8:38PM: Perry promises to use executive orders to effectively void most of Obamacare.  Rick's answer on how the President would have the authority to do that somehow evolved into talking about creating millions of jobs and moving toward energy independence.  I think Rick just pulled a jedi mind trick on us.  How did we get to energy independence from health care?  I was listening the whole time, and I have no idea.

8:40PM: Rick just accidentally revealed how he really created jobs in Texas, joking about how he stole jobs from Arkansas when Huckleberry was the Governor.  Why hasn't anyone pointed out how that won't work if Rick is in charge of the whole country?

8:42PM: Perry says he's been dealing with the Federal Government's unwillingness to secure the border for "over ten years now".  But somehow it's still Obama's fault.  Was it really ten years ago that I voted for him? It seems much more recent.

8:47PM: Rick appears to define "strict constructionist" as any Supreme Court justice who agrees with him.  Rick's also proposing getting rid of lifetime appointments for justices.  He's offended by the idea that the Supreme Court has the power to enforce the Constitution when Rick doesn't like what's in the Constitution.  He's less offended by the idea of the Supreme Court being able to strike down the health care law. 

8:49PM: I'm reaching my tolerance level for religious talk.  I knew the Huckleberry forum would be like this, but I still can't take much more.

8:50PM: Perry is in favor of both returning authority over abortion to the states and passing a Federal anti-abortion amendment.  How is this not big government?  This annoys me so much.

8:52PM: Perry's advice for Supreme Court justices...read the Constitution, don't read anything into it, or use any clauses.  Everyone knows Republicans hate clauses.

So far, we've only heard from the idiot side of the bracket.  Where are the people with brains?  I'm no great fan of Romney, but at least he knows things and has the ability to speak in full sentences.  Perry just answered a question by pulling a pocket Constitution out, holding it up and grunting.

OK, Bachmann's up next.  I actually think she's smarter than she lets on.  Why play dumb?  Let's just say she knows who her base is.

8:57PM: Bachmann says Obamacare is a stunning show of how far a President can go with power.  I think she missed the part where Congress passed that law, which is weird, because she was there.

8:59PM: Bachmann says illegal aliens currently cost us 113 billion dollars a year.  I have no idea if that's true or not.  She should wear a sign around her neck that somebody can light up whenever she makes up a new fact.  Just so we know when it's happening.  It would make things easier.

9:01PM:  Talking about tort reform, Bachmann hits what's becoming the theme of the night.  Huckleberry's panel of dopes keeps asking about Federal vs. State power, and the candidates keep reminding us that they don't have any problem with Federal power as long as the Federal government is doing things they like.

9:05PM: Idiot #1 just used the word evolution in a question.  He wasn't talking about actual evolution, but he's still lucky Backmann didn't freak out.  (Listening a little closer, he actually was saying the word abolition.  No wonder she was so calm, my bad).

9:07PM: Idiot #3 just pointed out that Bachmann's answer on environmental regulation was stupid nonsense (he may not have put it exactly that way).  Her response?  "Well you're making a very good point". 

9:09PM: Idiot #2 just called Bachmann a practicing lawyer.  I giggled a little.

Yeah!  My man Ron is up next!  Go get 'em Ron!

9:14PM: Ron points out that the Patriot Act wouldn't have passed if they called it what it really was, the repeal of the fourth amendment.  Then he points out that terrorism is a crime, not a war.  Idiot #2 doesn't understand. She asked Ron what he would call the 9/11 attacks.  She seems to think Ron's saying terrorism doesn't exist.  That's not what Ron's saying, idiot #2.

9:18PM: Now they're asking Ron about the environment.  Admittedly, this isn't Ron's strong suit, but he finds a way to make a good point.  The way our government works now, regulations are written by lobbyists who represent the very industries they're meant to regulate, and that's true of environmental regulations as well as banking regulations, drug regulations, etc. 

He's not wrong.  It's just that, some people would say the answer is to make our government not work like that anymore.  In contrast, Ron's answer is more along the lines of just not trying anymore and trusting the market to regulate itself.  This is where Ron and I differ.  Ron is bound by his strongly held convictions to trust that a truly free market and people would produce positive results because negative actions would ultimately be punished by the market.  Being unencumbered by such ideals, I'm less convinced. 

9:24PM:  Ron points out that he wouldn't just end Federal programs he thinks shouldn't exist, he'd phase them out.  Something tells me phasing out social security would take longer than Ron thinks it would, but kudos to him for not making one of those stupid "I'm gonna do it on my first day" promises.

9:25PM: Idiot #1 just asked a question so stupid, I refuse to comment on it.

9:27PM: If every American could read just one book, Ron says they should read a book called "The Law" by Frederic Bastiat.  That sounds about right.  I'm just happy he didn't say the bible.

Mitt's up next.  Rumor has it Huckleberry hates Mitt, but sadly Huck isn't asking the questions.  So, unless Huck starts booing while Mitt's talking or throwing things at him, we won't find out tonight if the rumors are true.

9:31PM: Mitt starts out by thanking the panel of idiots for this very interesting show.  He literally can't turn the pandering off.

9:32PM: Mitt tells us that his friends in business think the EPA was much better under George W. Bush.  Isn't that shocking?  I'm shocked.  Then he says "we need a Federal government that sees it's job as helping the private sector grow".  That pretty much sums it up. 

9:33PM: Mitt on energy..."we all like the renewables, but renewables alone won't power this economy".  Who said anything about powering the economy?  Apparently Mitt's economy is gas powered.  Seriously though, why do these people think every energy and environment question is actually an economy question?  Are they having trouble hearing?

9:37PM: Mitt is continuing with his bold strategy of avoiding flip-flops by taking both sides of arguments at the same time, answering a very direct "would you support school lunch programs, pell grants and GI Bills?" question with "in some cases yes, in some cases no".  Well done.

9:39PM: Mitt wants Supreme Court Justices who are brilliant, but won't use their own judgment in any way. 

9:40PM: Mitt's talking about his immigration record as Massachusetts Governor.  I live in Massachusetts now, and I can tell you, it's not an easy job here.  The New Hampshire border is seriously porous. 

9:42PM: I think idiot #3 just figured out Mitt's deal, saying that one of Mitt's answers sounded like a maybe.  Everything Mitt says is a maybe.

Each candidate gets a closing statement.  I'll try to summarize:

Robo-Mitt - Mitt finished by asking if we're "gonna be a free society with free people...or instead a nation governed by the government?"  Unless Mitt's proposing abolishing the government, I'm pretty sure we're gonna be both.

Perry - Perry, once again, proposed his brilliant idea of a part-time Congress.  This is such a weird idea.  First of all, they're already part-time.  Do you see how many recesses they get?  Secondly, they already don't do anything. 

My Man Ron - Ron brings up nullification.  I'm not a fan of this idea, but it's not really a surprise coming from Ron. 

Newt - Newt says this next election is the most important election since 1860.  Really good point, Barack Obama is clearly just as bad as slavery and half the country seceding.  Of course, it's also important to realize that Newt is Lincoln in that analogy.  Seriously, who would vote for this idiot? 

Bachmann - Michele talked about taking our country back.  I wish she'd tell me who has it.  Maybe we can just talk to them and get it back without all this fuss.

Santorum - Rick says America is basically morally rotting from the inside because marriage is under attack.  Most people will think Rick is saying the gays are destroying America, but maybe he just thinks Wedding Crashers was a very concerning documentary.