What I Want From Republicans

At Thanksgiving, my aunt asked me if I still consider myself politically independent.  Seeing as how I've dedicated most of this blog space over the last three months to mocking Republican Presidential candidates and calling them stupid, it was a pretty fair question.

On the drive home, I thought about it a little and tried to be honest with myself.  Could I really ever see myself voting for a Republican?  I certainly won't vote for Scott Brown in Massachusetts next year.  He's running against Elizabeth Warren, who, if elected, would immediately become the best Senator in the Senate. 

But would I vote for any Republican, under any circumstances?  Yes, yes I would.  Here's what I'm looking for in future Republicans.  One quick but important note.  My support for these hypothetical future Republicans assumes that future Democrats will remain mostly cowardly, disorganized and incompetent. 

First of all, shut up about jesus.  Listen, I'm not so delusional that I think I'll actually get to vote for a Presidential candidate in my lifetime who doesn't believe in the magic invisible spacegod.  I can live with that.  But, can I just have someone who doesn't feel the need to end every speech with a laundry list of things he'd like his invisible friend to bless?  Someone who doesn't think it's more important to pray for homosexuals than it is to just let them have equal rights? Someone whose brain is capable of accepting scientific realities, even when they conflict with our culture's mythology? 

Even my man Ron Paul rambles on about god from time to time.  It breaks my heart.  I'm not saying I expect Presidential candidates to give up their faith when they run.  I just want someone who talks about reality at work and saves the mythology for home.  Is that really too much to ask?

Next, I'd like a candidate who offers economic policies that aren't just tax cuts.  Perpetually lower taxes isn't a viable policy position.  Rick Santorum, king of the idiots, has been proposing a 0% tax rate for manufacturing.  Zero!  As if we can tax cut our way back to 1953.  If Congress cut all tax rates to 1% today, Republicans would spend the next election telling us how those tax-and-spendocrats in Washington think they're entitled to a whole percent of your money.  I'm not wrong about this.

The Republican response to the wall street occupiers has really tipped their hand on the economy.  Instead of the rational response ("These people obviously have a point about wealth disparity, corruption and the incredibly blurry line between the financial sector and our government...but what do bongo drums have to do with any of that"), Republicans totally flipped out ("Get a job! And take a shower!"). 

This knee-jerk animosity toward anyone who threatens to give the game away tells you all you need to know about Republican economic policy.  Is a candidate who thinks the economy works best when it works for everyone too much to ask for?  Really?

Also, grow up a little on foreign policy.  The Republican party (other than Ron Paul, of course) still lives in this fantasy world where America is the only country that matters and everyone just needs to do what we say.  It isn't like that anymore.  I'm not saying I want a candidate who doesn't want us to lead sometimes, but can I get a candidate who doesn't think calling something "European" is an insult?  How hard is that?

I'm not asking for much, just someone who doesn't criticize the current President for not being an arrogant dick whenever he goes abroad.  And maybe even someone who isn't super eager to wade into every internal conflict in some other country by sending our troops there for an indefinite period of time, because once they get there, they can't ever leave or we're letting the terrorists win. 

If I could get even two out of these three things from a Republican candidate, I would seriously considering voting for him or her.  I don't like having to go vote for Democrats.  It's no fun.  Democrats aren't really any different from Republicans.  Here's a good example.

Republicans have become deficit hawks.  Being a deficit hawk while you're trying to dig your way out of a recession is pretty stupid.  Are the Democrats saying that and arguing for a totally different and better way.  No!  They're deficit hawks too, they're just worse at it.  So they propose awful half measures that are big enough to add to the deficit but not big enough to actually help.  Well done.

You might be tempted to point out that I seem to disagree with almost the entire Republican platform.  And you'd be right, that's the problem.  The Republican platform is made up almost entirely of nonsense.  It shouldn't be, and it doesn't have to be.  And if it wasn't, I'd be willing to vote for some Republicans.  I swear.