Pandermonium

There's a thing on my TV tonight called the Tea Party Republican Debate.  I'm certainly not planning on watching every single Republican primary debate, but come on CNN!  Am I supposed to somehow not make fun of this?

Once again, if you're unfamiliar with the participants, consult my commentary on the first debate http://somethingclever13.blogspot.com/2011/08/meeting-of-cult-of-tax-cuts.html, then subtract poor Tim Pawlenty and add The Texas Tornado Rick Perry.

Here we go!  CNN and the tea party express present the third Republican debate.  (that's right, the tea party express, making stops in Crazytown, Idiotsville and Imagination Land).  No truth to the rumor that all of tonight's candidates will be dressed as Thomas Jefferson.  Also no truth to the rumor that Rick Perry has agreed to give himself syphilis to be more like Benjamin Franklin.

8:01PM:  CNN's introduction to the debate included labeling Newt Gingrich "the big thinker".  Stop saying that, he's a clown.  You're confusing being a big thinker with having a big head.

8:03PM: Blitzer says "members of the tea party express will play an active role in this debate".  YEAH!!!!!! I couldn't be more excited.

8:06PM: CNN got someone to sing the national anthem before this debate.  I'm not kidding.  Sidenote, this is the whitest audience I've ever seen anywhere, and I've been to hockey games.

8:09PM: Before the debate, each candidate was asked to guess the total volume of Wolf Blitzer's beard.  Hunstman guessed that he trimmed it pretty good right before the debate, nailed it, and got to introduce himself first.  Each candidate got to introduce his or her self in about 20 seconds.

8:10PM: Romney says he understands why jobs come to America and why they go.  As I understand it, many jobs go because of Mitt Romney.

8:12PM: Gingrich teases being the first to mention 9/11 tonight, but he just said 9/12 twice.  I think he's trying to bait the others.  Well played Newtster.

8:14PM: Bachmann says "President Obama stole over $500 billion from Medicare".  That's quite a heist.  She also accused him of stealing her lunch every day from the Congressional cafeteria.

8:16PM: Romney slams Perry on social security.  Someone should warn Mitt that Rick is probably armed.  Romney will not back off asking Perry if he still thinks Social Security is unconstitutional, like he said in his book.  That's right, Rick Perry wrote a book.  Or at least put his name on a book.  Rick seems not super interested in answering the question.

8:21PM: Huntsman jumps in suggesting that Romney didn't write his own book.  I think we should start calling Jon "The Magic Mormon".  I think that could really catch on for him.

8:22PM: Gingrich points out that President Obama "scares the American people", and gets a huge round of applause.  Newt really hit the nail on the head there.  These tea people are terrified of black peop...umm...socialist policies.

8:24PM: This is a mess, I honestly don't know if I can do this for two hours, Blitzer has no control. 

8:28PM: I think I figured out why I'm so bored right now.  This whole first 20 minutes has been about senior citizens.  Makes perfect sense considering that's roughly 75% of the Republican base, but it's not doing much for me.

8:29PM: Perry brags about how he saved billions of dollars in Texas, and all he had to do was cut half of his Health and Human Services departments. 

8:30PM: Romney suggests capping the federal budget at 20% of GDP.  That's disappointing from Mitt because I know he knows that's a dumbass idea.  There are a few people on this stage that I honestly don't believe are morons, Mitt's one of them.  I'm not sure he's a good guy, and I know I wouldn't vote for him, but he's not an idiot.  I wish he'd stop acting like one.

8:32PM: While I was pontificating about Romney, I think Ron Paul just suggested eliminating every cabinet department.

8:36PM: Huntsman compares our dependence on foreign oil to a heroin addiction.  Not a bad comparison.  Unfortunately, the Republican solution to this particular heroin addiction is to start producing more of our own heroin.  Doesn't every drug addict have that idea at some point?

8:40PM: Perry says "we're tired of spending money on programs we don't want".  I'm so sick of this argument.  Where did people get the idea that the government should only spend tax dollars on things they like?  As a great TV character once said "lots of people don't like tanks...even more don't like Congress".

8:41PM: Cain mentions his hilarious 999 plan again.  That's 9% taxes on everything, for everyone, all the time.  Clearly, Herman believes in job growth through the magic power of tax cuts.

8:43PM: Romney goes over his 7 point plan for the economy again.  Mitt also has a 7 point plan for never getting the Republican nomination. 

8:44PM: Romney keeps saying "Texas is a great state".  Hey Mitt, you're not winning a primary in Texas.  Give it up.

8:46PM: Ron Paul slams Perry on raising taxes and spending in Texas and suggests cutting all the spending we're doing on our little adventures all over the world.  He keeps saying that, and the other candidates keep ignoring him.

8:47PM: Perry dubs Texas "the land of freedom in America".  I don't even know what to say about that one.

8:48PM: Newt says "the American PEOPLE" create jobs, not government.  Yeah, but they aren't.  Then Newt gets the prize for the first mention of Ronald Reagan.  He kept emphasizing the word PEOPLE in a really annoying way. 

8:49PM: Did you know Herman Cain ran a region or something for Burger King?  He's the funniest candidate since Ross Perot.

8:51PM: The other candidates always seem to be smirking whenever Huntsman is talking, like they're thinking "crap, what if people realize he's smarter than us?".

8:56PM: Santorum, once again, brings up his proposal for 0% corporate taxes.  Why don't we just give them all the money?  Just get all your shit together, go empty out your bank account and leave it all at the doorstep of your favorite giant corporation.  Then maybe they'll like us.

9:02PM: Blitzer asked Gingrich about tax breaks for oil companies.  Gingrich answered by bringing up the tax breaks that GE gets.  Good argument Newt; "we're all whores, so it's OK and you just have to live with it". 

9:04PM: Gingrich makes the old Republican point that "we don't have a revenue problem, we have an overspending problem".  Republicans don't really understand how money works, I've noticed that being rich will do that to you sometimes.

9:04PM: Question about the fair tax.  Where's Huckleberry when you need him?  Romney gets booed for pointing out that the fair tax (basically a national sales tax) is incredibly regressive and would take tax burden off of the wealthy and put it on the middle class.  Mitt should have known better.

9:08PM: For the second debate in a row, we're arguing about Rick Perry's evil plan to prevent teenagers from getting genital warts and cervical cancer in Texas.  I think it's weird that multiple Republican candidates seem to be pro genital warts. 

9:10PM: Bachmann accuses Perry of using his HPV vaccine plan as a give away to a drug company that contributed to his campaign.  Perry says he's offended at the suggestion that he can be bought for only $5,000.

9:12PM: Nobody likes genital warts more than Rick Santorum.  I can't believe I'm actually with Rick Perry on something, but seriously, what's wrong with these people?

9:13PM: Cain just said something stupid, but I honestly don't have time to get into it, you'll just have to take my word for it.

9:17PM: Romney just brought up the imaginary Obamacare death panels.  That's some good old fashioned pandering right there. 

9:19PM: Great sequence:
1) Blitzer asked Ron Paul about what should happen if an uninsured 30 year old has a serious accident.
2) Ron basically says screw that guy, he took his own risk, that's what freedom is all about.
3) Blitzer asks "so we should just let him die?"
4) Before Ron can answer, the suggestion of just letting him die gets a huge cheer from the crowd.
Ladies and gentlemen, the tea party.

9:21PM: So let me get this straight, Congresswoman Bachmann.  How do you feel about Obamacare?  I can't tell.  Are you against it?

9:28PM: Rick Perry says the dumbass border fence is a stupid idea.  Listen, if Rick Perry keeps saying things that aren't stupid, I'm going to start getting really nervous.  Also, Santorum just reminded us that "illegal" and "Latino" are synonyms in his brain.

9:31PM: Now Perry's suggesting we treat immigrants like people instead of chasing them back to Mexico with pitchforks.  It's like I've drifted into some alternate universe.  What's happening right now?

9:33PM: Even the other candidates seem confused.  Huntsman just gave a one minute answer that made no sense at all and included calling Rick Perry treasonous for pointing out that you can't just build a fence to keep Mexicans away. 

9:34PM: Now Romney's going on about sanctuary cities and how he wants to build the fence too.  If these guys like fences so much, why don't they just go build one around their houses and leave the rest of us alone?

9:36PM: Huntsman takes a quick swipe at Romney's flip-floppery.  Jon's pretty punchy tonight, I think he knows his time is almost up.  I'm still dizzy from the whole Perry thing.

9:37PM: Blitzer wants to know what Herman Cain will do about energy independence.  Cain basically suggests creating a commission to regulate the EPA's regulation of industry.  That damn EPA, they're always regulating stuff.

9:39PM: Finally, Gingrich mentions 9/11.  Took him long enough.

9:40PM: Ron Paul just drew an important distinction between military spending and defense spending.  There goes crazy Ron again, making good points about how we really wound up with all this debt. 

9:41PM: Santorum accuses Ron of blaming America for 9/11 (Newt really opened up a can of worms here).  Ron looks ready to pounce...go get him Ron!

9:42PM: Ron didn't back down one bit.  He nailed Santorum for bringing up this old idea that they hate us for our freedom and did a solid job of laying out the real reasons some people hate us (and did a good job of pointing out that it's not the whole Muslim world).  He tried to make the point that trying to explain why some people hate us isn't the same as agreeing with some people on why they hate us.  He got booed pretty loudly.

9:45PM: Now Perry's talking about bringing troops home from Afghanistan.  My head hurts.  He also made a good point about helping Afghanistan build infrastructure, although I wish more Republicans were interested in building infrastructure in America. 

9:49PM: Time to learn something about each candidate, Blitzer asked them all what they'd add to the white house.  Nobody said anything worth repeating until Cain said he'd bring a sense of humor.  You said it Herman.

I don't know what to say about this debate.  I've seen this almost reasonable side of Rick Perry before, it's what made me think he was running in the first place.  It's kind of terrifying.  This may be my last Republican debate, we'll see how I feel when the next one happens.