Seven Levels of Terror

With Iowa's caucuses coming up this week, there are still, amazingly and inexplicably, seven candidates for the Republican nomination.  Seven.  I thought Republicans were supposed to be the organized ones.  Isn't there anyone in charge over there who can tell people like Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry that it's over?  Just tell them Jesus says it's time to give up.

Anyway, now seems like as good a time as any to reset the field going into the actual voting.  I know, it seems like we've been doing this for around nine years already and there hasn't even been any voting yet.  Here's who we have left, ranked from least terrifying to most terrifying.

Ron Paul
Doomsday scenario: Ron spends the first year of his Presidency actually getting Congress to do all the crazy domestic things he wants to do.  This is followed by one year of watching our society crumble and two years of total chaos.

Chances of this happening: 0.1%

Upside: We'd probably get some zombies out of the deal.  Super-libertarian, freedom-loving zombies.

Chances I'd vote for him in a general election: Honestly, like 45%.  I'd take Ron's foreign policy over the current administration in a heartbeat, and it's not like President Obama is killing it on the domestic side right now.  He couldn't even get Republicans to extend the payroll tax cut for a full year.  Tax cuts are literally the only thing those people believe in.

Final Thought: If you're one of those people who believes that the fix is in with our government and there really is no difference made by who we actually elect, you have to vote for Ron.  First of all, he'll either prove you right or prove you wrong.  And secondly, if it doesn't matter anyway, he'd clearly be the most fun to watch.

Other Final Thought: I think the wild card for me with Ron Paul is that he seems to dislike some of these other candidates almost as much as I do.

Jon Huntsman
Doomsday scenario:  Debates between President Obama and Huntsman are so boring that we're all forced to kill ourselves before election day.  As it turns out, Huntsman is a secret Chinese agent, and boring us to death was his plan all along.  The few survivors later find out that he's actually super-interesting.

Chances of this happening: 1%, maybe 2%

Upside: In a huge upset, Canada fights off the invading Chinese army and takes over the U.S.  The NHL expands to 64 teams and those of us who are still alive get to enjoy a year-round hockey schedule.

Chances I'd vote for him in a general election: I don't know, maybe 20%.  Huntsman seems so reasonable and, dare I say, smart sometimes.  But then, every once in a while, I'll hear someone on Fox who I don't like tell me that Huntsman is actually the most conservative candidate in the field.  I would certainly keep an open mind if he won the nomination, but I doubt he'd get my vote.

Final Thought: Huntsman isn't even trying in Iowa.  Considering he's probably the most qualified candidate in the field, I think this says more about Iowa Republicans than it does about Huntsman.

Mitt Romney
Doomsday scenario: During his first State of the Union address, the Mittron 3000 short circuits while trying to simultaneously take three sides of the same issue.  With no constitutional direction on how to handle a short circuiting robot President, the government and the country are thrown into chaos.  Bill Gates eventually repairs the President, but does too good of a job.  The Mittron 3000 becomes Skynet and, well, you know what happens from there.

Chances of this happening: 5%

Upside: If we have to have a post-apocalyptic sci-fi future, why not this one?  I mean, at least they have time travel.

Chances I'd vote for him in a general election: 5%.  People seem to think Romney would be the toughest opponent for President Obama.  I don't know.  Mitt's total inability to get anyone to like him stands in pretty stark contrast to the President's high personal likability.  I can't see an undecided voter watching those two guys for more than ten seconds without immediately deciding to vote for Obama.

Final Thought: Mitt is the ultimate political opportunist.  He's 100% pragmatism.  In a better time, I think he'd actually make a pretty good President.  But with a useless Congress and a pretty dumb public, a President with no beliefs of his own would only make things worse.

Michele Bachmann
Doomsday scenario: Right after her inauguration, President Bachmann finds out she can't actually repeal Obamacare on day one because 1) there's no such thing as Obamacare and 2) the President can't just randomly repeal laws passed by Congress.  Bachmann resigns in protest just five hours after being sworn in, leaving Vice President Palin in charge.  From there, pretty much all roads lead to doom.

Chances of this happening: 8%

Upside: President Palin could get bored and quit before she does any real damage.  I'm just not willing to take that chance.

Chances I'd vote for her in a general election: 0%.  Sorry, she's not the worst candidate, but she's way to into Jesus for me.

Final Thought: I continue to believe Bachmann is significantly smarter than she lets on.  I genuinely respect how much she's improved as a candidate over the last year and she honestly wouldn't be the worst nominee the Republicans could find.  Unfortunately, she should be killing in Iowa and instead she's currently polling 6th in a 6 person race.  Time to turn out the lights.

Rick Perry
Doomsday scenario: Rick sells the entire country to Mexico for a pouch full of magic beans and 50 pounds of carne asada. 

Chances of this happening: In all honesty, I'd put this at a healthy 30-35%. 

Upside: Carne asada!

Chances I'd vote for him in a general election: Also 0%.  Come on, we have to go at least 40 years before we elect another Texas governor, right?

Final Thought: I predicted that Rick would run for President a long time ago after I saw him being nice and trying to act reasonable on the Daily Show.  Sadly, no one could have predicted how bad he'd be at it.

Rick Santorum
Doomsday scenario: Immediately after his inauguration, Santorum starts wars with five different countries, all selected at random with a ouija board, but somehow all muslim.  He quickly loses interest in his holy wars after someone tells him that there's a gay guy somewhere in Washington DC and he'd better go deal with it, but the damage is already done.

Chances of this happening: It's kind of a two-parter, so only like 15%.  But the chances of President Santorum starting at least one new war would be something like 110%.

Upside: I think a Santorum Presidency would provide the most unintentional comedy of any of these people.

Chances I'd vote for him in a general election: Come on, seriously? 

Final Thought: Personally, Santorum is probably my least favorite of any of these people, but I'd still beg him to be President before I'd consider voting for this next guy.

Newt Gingrich
Doomsday Scenario: Newt being elected President is the doomsday scenario.  He's everything that's wrong with our political system all wrapped up in one insanely arrogant package.  Newt Gingrich is not smart, he's not a historian, he's not a big thinker and even other Republicans know he's not a leader.  He's just a troll that's been living under the bridge of our politics for so long that he knows everything about the bridge.

What's worse?  Newt doesn't even believe most of the nonsense he's constantly spewing.  He knows how to read polls and listen to focus groups and do whatever they say.  He's the worst possible candidate.  He should be forced to wear a sign around his neck at all times that reads "do not vote for me".  If Newt somehow wins Iowa, Iowa should be immediately demoted from first caucus state to voting whenever Guam votes. 

Those last two paragraphs sound angrier than I really am.  Look, Newt's a bad guy.  Nobody should vote for him.  Do so at your own peril.