Big Finish

According to the schedule, this is the last debate for about a month.  Who knows where we'll be by late February.  Rick Santorum almost certainly won't be there.  There's no way Rick has the money to continue campaigning seriously (seriously being a relative term when dealing with Rick) after Florida.  Ron Paul won't quit, but we're getting to that time in the primary season when they stop telling him where the debates are. 

Sadly, that means we'll most likely have just Mitt and Newt next time.  What a disaster.  This is what Republicans are stuck with.  Stay Puft Newt vs. Mitt the Robot.  If you know a Republican, give them a hug, it's gonna be a long year.

We're back with CNN tonight.  Blitzer is taking over for John King, who was obviously fired after his failure in the last debate to change Newt's diaper in a timely fashion sent poor Newt into an uncontrollable fit.  Also, during the pre-debate show, we found out that Newt's assertion last time, that he had all these character witnesses to refute his second wife's story from last week, was just another in a long string of blatant Newt lies.  Sidenote, if you google "Newt Gingrich" and "blatant lies", your computer explodes.

8:00PM: We start with the obligatory ridiculously over-dramatic CNN video package, ending with the claim that this will be the most important debate yet.  Well, it'll be the most important debate today...probably.

8:03PM: Blitzer says we're welcoming viewers in the United States and around the world.  People around the world are watching this?  Man, that's embarrassing.

8:04PM: Seriously, when Rick Santorum makes your final four, something has gone horribly wrong.

8:05PM: The University of North Florida glee club (Blitzer didn't call them a glee club, I made that part up) is singing the national anthem.  The female singers appear to have just come from Amish night at a local frat.

8:07PM: Hey Wolf!  I don't think these guys need you to go over how a debate works, they've done like 100 of these things.

8:08PM: Santorum's mom is in the audience and he pointed her out.  That's the most likable thing I've ever seen him do. 

8:08PM: Mitt's oldest son is named Tag.  I think I knew that already, but it's still ridiculous.

8:09PM: We're starting right in on immigration.  BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  Stop letting the audience ask questions!  What is Blitzer here for?  I could hire a monkey to just stand there and point at the candidates while audience members ask stupid questions. 

8:12PM: Newt says it should be very easy to deport gang members.  How did gang members get involved in this?  What is he talking about? 

8:14PM: I think Romney just said we have a group of immigrants here brought here by coyotes.  That can't be right...hmmm...apparently it is. "Coyote" is apparently slang for people who smuggle immigrants illegally into the United States.  It seems like it would just be easier to call them smugglers.

8:17PM: Newt gets a big cheer for making English the language of government, and then calls Romney the most anti-immigrant candidate on the stage (apparently, Newt's the most anti-irony candidate on the stage).  Mitt scolded Newt for a full minute for his "over the top rhetoric" and demanded an apology.  Spoiler alert: Mitt's not getting an apology.

8:20PM: Mitt is wiping the floor with Newt right now.  Newt just spent a minute talking about immigrant grandmothers being able to stay here legally, Mitt responded with "our problem isn't 11 million grandmothers".  Zing!  Mitt got a laugh.  Really.

8:25PM: There goes crazy Ron again, suggesting that maybe we shouldn't run around the world telling other countries what kind of governments they should have.  This is one of the main differences between these four guys.  Ron doesn't think we should have an empire, the other three seem to think they're running for emperor of the world.

8:29PM: About ten minutes ago, Romney claimed an attack ad Blitzer asked him about wasn't his.  Blitzer quickly found out that it is, in fact, from the Romney campaign.  Tough break, Mitt.  If only there was a way to know what your own campaign was doing.

8:31PM: Newt says Mitt's investments (Goldman Sachs, Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, for example), are foreclosing on houses in Florida right now.  Mitt says Newt has investments in Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac too.  We get it, you're both whores.

8:34PM: After five minutes of nonsense about which one of those guys made more money from Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, Ron says "that subject doesn't really interest me".  As always, Ron's the best.

8:36PM: Santorum follows Ron by suggesting that we get away from the distractions of personal attacks and focus on issues.  Score another point with the crowd for Rick.

8:41PM: Blitzer asked Newt about Romney's tax returns.  Newt immediately turned it on Blitzer by calling it a nonsense question.  Blitzer, unlike John King, did not back down, pointing out that Newt raised the issue in the first place.  Newt's final argument was that he's perfectly happy to attack Mitt on a TV show, but not in a national debate.  Yeah!  Why should Newt have to defend things he's said in front of small, friendly audiences when people are actually watching him?  Stupid Blitzer.  (seriously, Blitzer kicked Newt's ass, he should moderate all future debates)

8:43PM: Newt doesn't like Mitt that much, but he can't wait to cut Mitt's taxes if he gets the chance.

8:46PM: With Huntsman gone, Santorum seems to be the one left on the stage with the most logical tax plan.  In fact, it isn't even really close.  What's happening here?

8:48PM: Ron talked for a little while about how we need to stop the transfer of wealth to the wealthy.  Another crazy idea from crazy Ron.  Then Blitzer asked Ron about his health records (because Ron's 76) and Ron challenged the other three to a 25 mile bike ride through Texas.  I'm really going to miss Ron.  I hope he comes back in 2016.

8:50PM: Mitt says putting a base on the moon is too expensive.  We're seriously talking about Newt's moon colony now. 

8:52PM: Newt asks "what does the Washington office of NASA do?".  Well Newt, it mostly sits there and gets it's budget cut by idiots in Congress.  What do you do?

8:53PM: Newt is advocating for private investment in the space program, arguing that "Lindbergh crossed the Atlantic for a $25,000 prize".  You can't just throw together a moon colony in your garage like a science experiment Newt. 

8:54PM: Senator buzzkill says we can't have a moon colony because we don't have any money.  Ron doesn't want to go to the moon either.  Actually, now it kinda sounds like he does.  I think maybe Ron doesn't give a shit about the moon. 

8:56PM: Ron says we should focus on health care before we go to the moon.  I like Ron, but I always hate this argument.  We can do more than one thing at a time.

8:57PM: Mitt says if a business executive came to him and said he wanted to spend hundreds of billions to put a colony on the moon, Mitt would fire him.  The government isn't meant to be run like a business.  If you think it is, you're wrong.

9:00PM: Ron says Newt never really balanced a budget, because the national debt still went up about a trillion dollars in Newt's four years as Speaker.  Newt kind of smirked and stopped just short of admitting that it really is just a bullshit talking point. 

9:03PM: Ron makes a good point on health care.  If the government floods a system, say the health care system, with money through subsidies, without cost controls, the price skyrockets.  Good point Ron. Unfortunately, as we all know, anything the government might do to control costs is, obviously, radical socialism.  This is what happens when you let people run health care for profit.  There's really no answer, we're basically just fucked.

9:05PM: Mitt is suggesting individually owned health insurance, as opposed to getting it through your employer.  I'm cool with that, as long as Mitt's magic plan to bring the cost down works.  Wait, he didn't even mention the magic plan.  He must have one, right? Because if he doesn't, his suggestion is ridiculous. 
9:11PM: When did Republicans stop believing in personal responsibility?  Did I miss an announcement?  Why are Republicans now against the idea of everyone having to take some personal responsibility for their own health care via an individual mandate? 

9:13PM: Romney says "Obamacare takes over health care for the whole country".  Not even a little bit true.

9:14PM: Blitzer: "Congressman Paul, who's right?"  Ron: "I think they're all wrong." HA!  That's it.  If Ron runs as a third party candidate, I'm voting for him. Write it down, done deal.

9:16PM: These guys all love Marco Rubio.  Me?  Not so much.

9:17PM: Some lady asked them what Hispanic leaders they would hire for their cabinet.  After three minutes of pandering, Ron finally just said he would hire the best people, Hispanic or otherwise.  Once again, Ron's the best.

9:23PM: Blitzer asked them all why their wife would make the best first lady.  My favorite part was when Newt asked "wait, which one?".  OK...OK, he didn't say that.  See it's funny though, because he's a philandering dirtbag.

9:26PM: Santorum is a weird guy.  His policies are so misogynistic, almost anti-woman.  Not just the anti-choice stuff.  This is a guy who, more than once, has stopped just short of suggesting that women get their asses back in the kitchen. And yet, he's so sincere when he talks about his wife and mother, it's hard to reconcile the two (OK, not really, he's just a hypocrite like everyone else).

9:29PM: Romney's rambling about the olympics again.  Listen Mitt, nobody gives a shit about the winter olympics (except the hockey, obviously). 

9:32PM: Florida is the worst.  I swear if Florida wasn't a swing state we would have lifted the Cuba embargo 20 years ago.

9:33PM: Blitzer asked Ron what he'd say if he was in the White House and Raul Castro called. Ron said "I'd ask him what he called about."  Later Ron said about the American people "I don't think they see a jihadist under the bed every night." Ron's on fire right now.

9:38PM: Uh oh...there's a Palestinian in the audience.  Somebody better hold Santorum and Gingrich back.  This must be especially difficult for Newt, who believes Palestinians are imaginary.  It would be like if I met god...super awkward.

9:40PM: Newt isn't backing down on his claim about Palestinians being an invented people.  45 seconds later he said he has a goal for the Palestinian people.  Later, Newt promised to move our embassy to Jerusalem.  That's a good way to start the peace process, with a big fuck you to one side.  Seriously, if Newt wins, you should invest heavily in explosives, the world is going to be using quite a lot of them during his time in office.

9:44PM: Question from the audience, "how would your religious beliefs effect your decisions as President?".  The correct answer here is, they wouldn't.  Ron nailed it.  These other clowns?  Not so much.  Santorum's basically a theocrat, and I'm pretty sure Newt just prays to images of himself.

9:47PM: Newt says religion, and especially Christianity, is under attack in America.  Yeah, those poor Christians.  It's so hard to have rights and have your voices heard when all you are is a huge majority of the country. 

9:49PM: Santorum says he believes in faith and reason.  Those two things don't go together, at all.  It would be like someone saying Palestinians are an invented people, and then 45 seconds later saying he has a plan for the Palestinian people.  It just makes no sense.

9:53PM: Last question, "why are you the one person on the stage most likely to beat President Obama?"
Ron: Ron says he appeals to the most people, because everyone believes in freedom.
Mitt: Mitt appears to be implicitly making the argument that he's the best at spitting out generic talking points.
Speaker Marshmallow Man: Because historians in the future will talk about Newt's election as a turning point in our history. 
Santorum: He'll say the same things Romney and Gingrich say, only better.