Comrade Obama's Manifesto

Tonight should be pretty fun.  The State of the Union address in an election year, for a President running for re-election, is basically just a big campaign speech.  In a way it's sad that we can't get sitting Presidents to take one hour out of campaigning to just talk about the actual state of the union.  But in another, more important way, it's fun because it's the one campaign speech the opposition party is forced to sit and watch.

After 18 Republican debates, it'll be hard for me not to see this as a one-man Democratic debate.  Speaking of 18 Republican debates, Mitt Romney released his tax returns today.  Now I'm supposed to be appalled by how low his actual tax rate is, but I'm not.  I don't care how much Mitt pays in taxes, as long as I don't have to vote for him.

Hey!  Wouldn't it be a good idea for the President to enter the State of the Union address the same way a wrestler enters the arena?  I have to believe President Obama would have pretty sweet entrance music.  Things would be so much better if I was in charge.

9:01PM: I don't know why the State of the Union address needs to start fashionably late, but I'm already pretty annoyed.

9:03PM: Apparently, Warren Buffet's secretary has been invited to tonight's speech.  I really do expect more from the President.  First of all, that's just stupid.  I know the point the President is trying to make about tax rates, but his laser beam focus on one specific secretary seems silly, and a little creepy.  Secondly, I'm not convinced being Warren Buffet's secretary is that bad of a deal.  I imagine money falls off Buffet wherever he goes the way dogs shed fur all over the place.   His secretary probably makes tens of thousands of dollars every year, tax free, just by cleaning up around the office after he goes home.

9:07PM: Watch out, Mr. President!  Eric Cantor is right behind you!  Where is the Secret Service when you need them?

9:08PM: On his way in, the President pointed at the Secretary of Defense and said "good job tonight, good job tonight".  Did we kill someone else?  Who's left?

9:10PM: I'm watching on CNN (because they always have fun/silly graphics) and Blitzer is as intrigued by what the President said to Leon Panetta as I am.

9:12PM: We started off with a reminder that the Iraq War is over and osama bid laden is dead.  Later, the President is going to fight a bear right here in the House chamber.

9:13PM: I'm 97% sure Biden and Boehner are already drunk.  Seriously, those two should not be allowed to sit together.  I don't care if it means one of them has to resign.  It's just not a good idea.

9:15PM: The President is making the case that the generation returning from Iraq and (eventually) Afghanistan can have the same prosperity the generation that came back from World War 2 had.  I don't know why everyone loves the 50's so much, they always looked kinda boring to me.

9:16PM: He just got Republicans to stand and clap for everyone getting a "fair shot" and "playing by the same rules".  Don't clap for that Republicans!  It's a trap!  He's about to talk about how your policies cause the exact opposite of those things to happen.

9:18PM: Apparently this Obama guy is the President of a country where the economy is doing awesome.  Can I move there?  Is it far?

9:21PM: Members of Congress appear to be clapping whenever the President mentions their city.  We just got a smattering of applause for Detroit, and another one for Pittsburgh.  Is this a speech or a Kiss concert?  I hate Kiss.

9:23PM: I learned this last year, Boehner isn't making faces at the President, that's just how his face looks.

9:24PM: The President is proposing lower taxes for companies that keep jobs in America, and even lower taxes for companies that create manufacturing jobs in America.  What a Communist!

9:27PM: Just went through a whole thing about unfair Chinese trade practices.  Who let Mitt Romney in here?

9:29PM: First mention of some random person I don't care about.  I hate these.  Apparently Seamans is sending some lady to community college.  That's enough to get her invited to the State of the Union and seated next to the First Lady.  Down year for inspirational stories I guess.

9:32PM: The President wants to let schools reward good teachers and get rid of bad teachers.  That sounds like a pretty good idea.  Why aren't we already doing this again?

9:33PM: The President wants every state to force all students to stay in high school until they graduate or turn 18.  How exactly would you enforce that?  Also, Ron Paul's head just exploded (and I'm not sure he's even in the building).

9:34PM: The President wants colleges and universities to stop raising tuition.  Add that to the list of things that are definitely not going to happen.

9:36PM: The House of Representatives has really ugly wall paper.

9:37PM: In an odd move, even for them, Republicans decided not to clap for the idea of women getting equal pay for equal work.  They can't possibly disagree with that, they must not have been listening.  I don't entirely blame them, this is already getting pretty long, and it's way past John McCain's bed time.

9:39PM: Did you know American oil production is the highest it's been in 8 years?  I didn't know that. 

9:41PM: Whole section about natural gas.  If you can get that stuff out of the ground in a way that's honestly safe, go nuts!  But right now, drilling for that shit is dangerous.  I know I'm heavily biased about water pollution, because I'm a form of life that needs clean drinking water, but still.

9:43PM: End tax breaks for oil companies and double down on tax credits for clean energy.  That sounds like a pretty good idea.  That's definitely something I think we could do, as long as none of these politicians are owned by oil companies.

9:46PM: The President just mentioned the Hoover Dam.  Sidenote: I was at a reservoir with my friend Sadie on Sunday, and there was a dam there, and dams are really cool.  No jokes here, seriously, dams are awesome, we should build way more of them.  I'll quit my job to go build dams right now, as long as I only have to build them in the winter when it's not hot out.  Anyway, where were we?

9:49PM: While I was rambling about dams, we got into the whole regulations/free market/if I just keep doing things Republicans say they like, maybe they'll start liking me part of the speech. 

9:51PM: The President appears to be suggesting that we should get rid of stupid regulations but keep the smart ones.  That's a little too complicated for Republicans, but it really is a good idea.

9:53PM: I was lying before when I said I'm watching CNN for the graphics.  I really just feel sorry for them.

9:54PM: Everybody in the chamber just applauded for passing the payroll tax cut extension right away.  Since everybody's on board, it seems like it shouldn't be so hard to do.  I don't remember, was that really easy to do, or was it a month-long catastrophuck?

9:56PM: Calling anything "the Buffet rule" is just ridiculous.  I hate Jimmy Buffet.

9:57PM: I'm putting the President on a "Warren Buffet's secretary" limit.  If he doesn't cool it with that nonsense, I'm voting Republican in November.  Seriously, I'll do it.  I live in Massachusetts, my vote doesn't matter.

10:00PM: Regarding the debate about raising the debt ceiling, the President looked right at the Republicans and said "who benefited from that fiasco?"  Best line of the night so far.

10:04PM: We seem to be coming in for a landing here and we still haven't found out about what he said to Panetta on the way in.  Tell us dammit!

10:06PM: Come on, Mr. President, wrap it up.  Biden has to catch the 10:19PM Amtrak back to Delaware.

10:07PM: Shot of Joe Lieberman in the crowd.  Does he seriously still work there?

10:09PM: "anyone who tells you that America is in decline, or that our influence has waned, doesn't know what they're talking about".  The President seems kind of feisty tonight.  I think he's looking forward to campaigning again.

10:10PM: Quick mention of cyber threats in a chamber full of people who have no idea what that means.

10:14PM: Sort of finishing back where we started...aren't the troops great?...and remember that time I told them to shoot bin laden in the face?

Hey, guess what!  We're not done yet.  Time for Mitch Daniels and the Republican response.  I've got a whole list of short jokes ready.  He's not a large man.

10:28PM: Standing in a dimly lit room, Daniels waited a good 8 seconds to start talking.  Not a good start.

10:29PM: Mitch says almost half of people under 30 didn't go to work today.  To be fair, a lot of that has to do with internet porn.

10:30PM: Daniels referred to the government as "big and bossy". Yeah President Obama!  You're not the boss of me!

10:31PM: Daniels says we'll never be a nation of haves and have nots, we're a nation of haves and soon to haves.  That just sounds like a more bullshitty way of saying have nots.

I should interject here and say that I actually like Mitch Daniels.  He seems like a decent guy and a pretty good governor and I wish he had run this year.  This is just kind of a goofy speech.

10:36PM: Daniels said the Obama administration is always trying to divide us.  Yeah!  That stupid communist muslim immigrant president is always saying divisive things.  What a jerk!

Alright, I'm pulling the plug on Mitch.  This speech is awful.  I like Mitch, but the Republican party is a train wreck right now.  See you (and every other Republican with a working brain) in 2016.

It appears that I am, once again, being cheated out of seeing the hilarious tea party response.  Stupid networks!  Hermain Cain is doing it this year!  Herman Cain!  What if he does it in his pimp hat?  How fun would that be?