One Super Prediction

Before I get to what happens next Sunday, here are some things I learned from the championship games.

The Jets offense is a catastrophe. Actually, I didn't learn that, it's been that way as long as I can remember. Good plays always look like a coincidence, they're constantly disorganized, I always know what they're running next. They need to fire (and possibly incarcerate) everyone who has ever coached offense for that team and start from scratch.

I'm so tired of hearing about the Roethlisbozo. If the Steeler defense somehow won them a game in which The Bozo went 1 for 20 for 12 yards with 5 interceptions, the sports media would spend the next week telling me how that one completion came at the perfect time and how The Bozo always knows when to step up. I thought Tebow was the new Favre, maybe I was wrong.

The internet has officially ruined sports media too. Jay Cutler's knee injury, which basically became the sports equivalent of Watergate for a day and a half, proved that sports journalism has become the same as every other kind of journalism - just tell everyone what famous people are tweeting and let the magic happen.

Alright, let's get on with it. As usual, for someone who watched something like 200 hours of football this season, I seem to have learned very little. For gambling purposes, anything you read here should be quickly forgotten.

First Impression:
My very first thought for a pick was this. If the Bozo can manage to not assault anyone between now and the superbowl, than I like the Steelers. If he's in custody by the time next Sunday rolls around, I like Green Bay. So really, my first instinct was, it's a toss up.

Offenses - Passing Game:
Clear advantage to Green Bay. Better QB, better wide-outs, better protection. The Bozo can probably hit one deep ball to Mike Wallace at some point, but Rodgers can hit one to Greg Jennings and another to James Jones. Rodgers is also more accurate and less prone to mistakes, while The Bozo is less accurate and more prone to felonies.

Offenses - Running Game:
The Packers can't run the ball at all, which is handy because you can't run against Pittsburgh anyway. I actually think they can turn this weakness into a strength, because they know they can't run and they won't spend the first half banging their heads against the wall trying, like, say, a certain team from New Jersey recently did. Pittsburgh has a clear running advantage, but with their O-line pretty banged up, I'm not sure how much they can use it.

Defenses:
I have a feeling we're going to spend the next week hearing about how this game is about the Green Bay offense vs. the Pittsburgh defense. You wanna know a secret? The Green Bay defense is just as good as Pittsburgh's. The Packers only gave up 8 more points this season than Pittsburgh did, they get great pressure, they force turnovers and they're generally difficult to play against.

On the other hand, I'm not sure the Steeler D is quite as dominant as people want them to be. Bad first half against Baltimore, bad second half against the Jets, destroyed by New England earlier in the season. When I look at their schedule, I'm not blown away by who they really held down. Holding teams like Oakland and Carolina to 3 points doesn't really knock my socks off.

I'm calling the defensive battle a draw.

Quarterback Ability to (allegedly) Sexually Assault People:
Clear advantage to Pittsburgh here. Aaron Rodgers has shown no aptitude in this area. This might turn out to be useful. During the game, The Bozo will try to throw touchdowns on the Green Bay defense, and they'll say "no, no, don't throw touchdowns on us", and they'll try to stop him, but he'll keep trying anyway. After the game, he'll say they secretly wanted him to throw touchdowns on him.

Prediction:
I'm actually not sure this game will be that close. Maybe it's just wishful thinking and how much I dislike The Bozo. Maybe I spent too much time watching the Packers this season because they had my fantasy D and top WR. Whatever the reasons, Green Bay just kind of looks like a better team to me. Plus, I think playing inside really favors the Packers, I'm not sure I'd like them so much if there wasn't a roof on this game.

Packers 30, Steelers 13.

Playoff Picks and Random Comments

Before I start with my NFL playoff picks and some other random NFL comments, I'd like to take this opportunity to congratulate the baseball writers on putting Roberto Alomar and Bert Blyleven into the Hall of Fame. It only took them 2 and 14 tries respectively. If you want my extended thoughts on Alomar's case, scroll a few paragraphs down into this thing I wrote right around this time last year:
http://somethingclever13.blogspot.com/2010/01/hot-stove-reloaded.html

OK, so, first a disclaimer. I couldn't be worse at picking football games. I don't know why. This season, I had the redzone network (awesome, by the way. The best TV invention since color. I was so disappointed I couldn't get Direct TV and Sunday ticket in my apartment building, but redzone is like 100 times better, it does the channel flipping for you), so I'm hoping that makes me better informed this time around, but I wouldn't bet on it. Seriously, if anyone reading this is thinking about considering my picks when they bet on the games, you've been warned.

New Orleans vs. Seattle
Prediction: Saints 91, Seahawks 3
OK, OK...91 might be a little high, but I'm hearing people on TV and the radio all week talking about how Seattle has nothing to lose, how they're so tough at home, how this game will be closer than you think. Really? In two home games against playoff teams this year, Seattle got hammered by a combined score of 76-42, and that doesn't even count the 41-7 home loss to the Giants (that's right, and the Giants are watching from home this weekend).

The five home wins? Arizona, Carolina, San Francisco, St. Louis and San Diego (week three, and we all know San Diego doesn't start trying until at least week five). Not exactly murderer's row. I'll take the Saints, and if I did bet on football, you couldn't set the line high enough to keep me away.

Speaking of the NFC West, how many times in one season can I tune into the same NFL team, look at the QB and think "who the f*ck is that guy?" Answer, courtesy of the Arizona Cardinals: Three, and I'm not even counting Derek Anderson. This whole division was a mess. The fact that Seattle gets a home game is a catastrophe. I heard someone on the radio joke that Pete Carroll's Seahawks couldn't win the Rose Bowl this year. I'm not sure they could win the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl.

Baltimore vs. Kansas City
Prediction: Chiefs 27, Ravens 24
Baltimore's defense ain't what it used to be, and unlike Seattle, Kansas City really is tough at home. Their only home loss was last week's inexplicable disaster against Oakland. Either you believe that was a fluke, in which case KC wins this game close, or you believe last week was a sign of things to come, in which case Baltimore wins by 40. I'll take the Chiefs.

Speaking of the AFC West, the legend of Saint Tebow is growing exponentially. Much like god, Christians believe in Tim Tebow's talent even though nobody can actually see it (What?! Don't make that face at me! This isn't one of those times when I say god isn't real, I'm just saying you can't see him, that's what the whole faith thing is all about).

And speaking of the AFC North, can I be the one millionth person to make a joke about how you can't build your team around two aging wide-outs with reality TV shows? Can I be the two millionth person to realize Carson Palmer is completely finished? I just read a story on ESPN.com about how Marvin Lewis had demands the Bengals needed to meet if they wanted him to stay. Seriously? What was his pitch? Just give him five more years and he'll get them to the brink of mediocrity?

Read the above paragraph and smile, because for a while it looked like the Bengals might really be going somewhere, but now I feel confident in saying, the Bengals are back, baby! It really wouldn't be December without the chance to watch the Bengals pathetically limp toward the end of another disappointing season.

Indianapolis vs. New York
Prediction: Jets 31, Colts 23
I don't trust the Jets, and their defense isn't as good as it's supposed to be. Every time a team gets into 3rd and long against the Jets, the commentators tell me how the Jets are the one team you don't want to be in 3rd and long against. Then they blitz 7 guys and give up the first down. Having said that, I really don't like the Colts, and there's just something fishy about Indy this season. They've never looked right.

Speaking of the AFC South, is it just me, or is Jeff Fisher the most overrated coach in any sport? 6 winning seasons out of 16, one superbowl appearance, no championships. What am I missing? He already ruined Vince Young, please fire him before he squanders Chris Johnson's prime.

Philadelphia vs. Green Bay
Prediction: Packers 41, Eagles 31
This was the toughest one. The truth is, I have no idea what Michael Vick is going to do, and neither does anyone else. Could he win this game by himself? You bet your ass he could. But Aaron Rodgers is pretty good too, and while the Green Bay defense should be good enough to slow Vick down a little, I don't see how the Eagles slow Rodgers down.

Speaking of the NFC East and the Eagles, I have no desire to inhabit a world in which Rex Grossman is a better QB than Donovan McNabb, but here we are. I imagine Rex is as surprised as the rest of us. If you're Mike Shanahan, how fast would you take a do-over on taking this job? It's going to be a long however-many years it takes Mike Shanahan to get himself fired in Washington.

And speaking of Pennsylvania football, how often do you think Roger Goodell wakes up in a cold sweat from a nightmare about a Steelers vs. Eagles superbowl? Two weeks of press conferences and stories featuring Michael "big bow wow" Vick and Ben "no means maybe" Roethlisbozo. At least Vick spent some time in jail, but I still understand if some animal rights groups want to come to superbowl week and yell stuff at him. I just hope some people will come yell at the Bozo too.

Maybe if I get a couple of these right I'll do more picks next week, but for now, I still like Green Bay to get to the superbowl if they get past Vick, because I don't trust the Falcons or the Bears. In the AFC, I'm giving up on the Ravens, I can't see a way to pick against New England right now. In fact, I had the Packers winning the whole thing when I made my pre-season picks, but I think I like the Pats now, which probably means they'll find a way to lose to the Jets next week.

Pessimism

Some people are optimists. They see the glass as half-full. They always look at the bright side. Even more people at least try to be optimists. Not me. No matter how much I like something, I can always see the downside. I'm like the opposite of a motivational speaker. I wonder if there's a market for that. Someone to come in and talk to your employees when they're just a little too happy, a little too satisfied. I could be that guy.

Anyway, I bring this up because one of the best days in America's year is coming up. Football's back! We've been waiting for Sunday since February and I'm tired of spending my Sundays watching stock cars drive around in endless circles. I can't wait. But that's Sunday. Today, I'm using my talent for pessimism to point out all the things I hate about this thing I love.

I hate that football starts on a Thursday. Just like baseball starting at night or the WNBA starting ever, football starting on a Thursday makes no sense. Football is for Sundays and Monday night and that's it. If Pierre Thomas wasn't on my fantasy team, I'd boycott tonight's game altogether. And speaking of tonight's game...

I hate Brett Favre. I just want to run up to him and punch him in the stomach. That goes for Peyton Manning and Tim Tebow too. I wish all three of them would retire and get a TV show together that I could never watch. I'm feeling a cop drama. Manning as the by-the-book Sergeant, Favre as the rule-breaking, bad-boy detective who never retires so eventually someone has to shoot him and Tebow as the cocky rookie. This could work. Speaking of Peyton Manning...

I hate the Colts. I'm not 100% sure why. They're just so smug and well-run and annoying. And then they quit on the perfect season last year (and the football gods punished them thoroughly). Maybe it's Manning's fault, I stopped hating the Packers after Favre left.

I hate the Jets' offense. This pre-dates Mark Sanchez and Rex Ryan, it even goes back to previous offensive coordinators. I feel like the Jets' offense has been terrible my whole life. It's like nobody told them the goal is to go forward. Also, in a more recent development, Braylon Edwards can't catch. Somebody on the Jets' coaching staff should probably try to work on that.

I hate that where I live dictates what NFL games I see. This never bothered me in other sports. I had Yankee games my whole life in New York, and who wants non-Yankee baseball anyway. Non-Yankee baseball is like ordering apple pie, only when your pie comes, instead of apples inside, it's the Kansas City Royals. But the regional market thing doesn't work for football in New York for. I've spent my whole life watching awful Jets games and horrible NFC east football. Do you remember when the Giants played the Cardinals twice a year? Unfortunately, I do.

I hate the whole NFL money situation. The non-guaranteed contracts, the hold-outs, the crappy collective bargaining agreement. First of all, a non-guaranteed contract isn't really a contract, is it? They should call them non-binding resolutions like Congress does. Also, what's with the hold-outs? Darrelle Revis held the entire city of New York and everyone at ESPN hostage for like six weeks because he was only supposed to make 1 million dollars this year. I know he's worth more than that, but is only getting paid 1 million dollars really a good enough reason to just stop going to work? (seriously, is it? Because I'd love to not get up for work tomorrow)

Finally, I hate that no one knows what's going on in the NFL from week to week. Sometime this season, I'll start a running back on my fantasy team that everyone says will have a big week, but he'll wind up with 4 carries for -3 yards. Everybody's superbowl pick will probably go 6-10. I know, that's what we love about it too, unpredictability and all. So, with absolutely no confidence, here are my picks for the season.

NFC PLAYOFFS
1: Dallas
2: Green Bay
3: New Orleans
4: San Francisco
5: Atlanta
6: Philadelphia

New Orleans over Philly
San Francisco over Atlanta
Green Bay over New Orleans (but only if this game happens in Green Bay like I'm predicting)
San Francisco over Dallas (big upset, Dallas chokes away a chance to play a home superbowl, Wade Phillips is fired and possibly executed by Jerry Jones immediately following the game)
Green Bay over San Francisco

Random NFC Thoughts
If I owned a sports team, I'd immediately hire Mike Singletary to coach it. It wouldn't even have to be a football team.
It'll be a big day for Philly fans when Kolb takes them to the playoffs while McNabb watches from home. Unfortunately, Andy Reid will still throw the ball approximately 103% of the time and they'll lose eventually.
No playoffs for the Vikings. This Favre thing has to end sometime, and it'll only end when his team has a bad enough season that no one could possibly want him the next season. Fingers crossed for this year everyone.

AFC PLAYOFFS
1: Indianapolis (Boooooooooooo)
2: Baltimore
3: New England
4: Oakland (you heard me!)
5: New York
6: Houston

New England over Houston
New York over Oakland (blowout, total destruction)
New York over Indy (revenge!)
Baltimore over New England (not revenge!)
Baltimore over New York (The phrase Rex bowl or Ryan bowl will be used around 1 million times)

Superbowl: Green Bay over Baltimore

Random AFC Thoughts
I thought people were crazy picking Baltimore until I actually looked at the AFC. The Jets can't score, the Pats can't defend and the Colts always choke eventually unless Rex Grossman is involved.
Some people like the Bengals, and they could go 11-5. They could also go 5-8 and have the entire team spend the last three weeks of the season in prison. I'm staying away.
I think Chris Johnson has another 2000 yard season in him. Speaking of the Titans, I usually hate guys who get labeled as "guys who just win", but I'm kind of buying it with Vince Young. If one of my AFC picks misses, I think the Titans take their spot.
No Steelers. I won't pick the Roethlisbozo. I hope they go 0-16.

J...E...T...S JETS! JETS! JETS!

I was thinking I should probably just give up on picking football games. I'm awful at it. I was 1-3 last weekend and the one I got right only happened because I had to pick one team in a Saints-Cardinals game where I had no confidence in either team. So here's the deal. I'm picking the championship games. I thought maybe if i actually think about the games for a couple of minutes before I pick them, I might do better. And if I can't get at least one of these right, I'm never picking a football game again. At least not until next season.

First Up, Vikings at Saints
Saints Overview: I really don't know what to make of the Saints. They looked awful in their last three games, I mean really awful, losing to Tampa awful. Then they came out last week and just pounded the Cardinals. It was merciless. Even worse, nobody ever knows what to make of the Cardinals, so I don't know how to factor last week's game. I really thought the Saints had peaked, now I'm not so sure. They're like the Will Ferrell of football teams. I was sure that Anchorman was his prime, his finest hour. Since then each movie has been a little bit worse. I was convinced he'd never make a great movie again. Then, I saw his cameo in The Goods. Now, I think maybe he's got something left, I don't know what's next. Will Ferrell could still never make another good movie, or he could have one or two more classics left in him. I have no idea. That's how I feel about the Saints, I have no idea.

Keys For The Saints: They have to force Brett Favre to turn the ball over. Brett is like an alcoholic when it comes to turnovers. If he stays mistake free, then he's fine. But if you get him to make one early mistake, he goes on a binge like a college kid on his 21st birthday. He can't help himself, especially in the playoffs.

Also, whoever was wearing Reggie Bush's uniform last week, make sure you get him back for this one. Seriously, where has that guy been since he got drafted? Watching the Saints-Cardinals game last week, you could watch Reggie Bush and think "there's no way that guy's team loses".

Vikings Overview: The Vikings looked really solid against Dallas and even better against the Giants in week 17. I like everything about the Vikings except Favre (I think Favre is French for "look at me! look at me!"). And really, I only dislike Favre as a personality, his quality on the field is hard to argue with this season. Minnesota can run the ball, play defense and throw the ball to a number of excellent receivers. It's hard to find a hole there.

Keys For The Vikings: Stop the run, force the Saints to be one-dimensional and then pound Drew Brees like a bass drum. This defense terrorized Tony Romo last week, Tony was in full tantrum mode by the third quarter. It's possible he was actually crying at some point. It won't be quite so easy to rattle Brees, but it's doable. A day full of sacks and knock-downs equals a Viking victory.

Also, Antoine Winfield. There were times when he looked awful this year. In Minnesota's OT loss to Chicago, he got torched on the last play by some guy who should be playing in the CFL. It was unreal. If the bye week helped Antoine get healthier, I think he can shut down one side of the field and help keep Brees in check. If he's the same guy he was in Chicago, he'll spend the night being Drew's pinata.

Who Am I Rooting For? Saints, 100%. First of all, it would be fantastic for that city to see it's team get to the Superbowl. Second, the Saints are a much more likable team and way more fun to watch. Most importantly, I would pay almost any amount of money to not have to listen to two weeks of Brett Favre going back to the Superbowl stories. This will be unbearable, and I don't know anyone outside of Minnesota who would disagree with that.

Who Am I Picking? Sadly, I like the Vikings. I trust the Vikings' defense a lot more than the Saints' defense. New Orleans has a slightly better offense, but it's not that much better. The one thing that would scare me about picking the Vikings here is the fact that the game is in New Orleans. I told you about Favre being a turnover alcoholic, and the hostile crowd won't help with that, but I think Minnesota runs well early, Favre stays sober and they put the Saints away. Vikings 27, Saints 20.

Next, Jets at Colts
Colts Overview: Something about the Colts always makes me uncomfortable. They have a handful of great players, but they don't really have overwhelming talent. I've never been sold on the Colts defense. This year isn't any different. Tony Dungy is gone and I'm not sure Jim Caldwell has the power of speech. They won a lot of close games against pretty average teams. Plus, they quit on an undefeated season, which I still say means the football gods have something really terrible in mind for them. On the other hand, they were the best team in the AFC this year, so there's that.

Jets Overview: The Jets are a weird team. I can't stand watching their offense, but every once in a while something great happens and it's shocking. They have a defense that stops people, but doesn't force a ton of turnovers and has a tendency to fold at the end of games. Jets fans should be a little worried about that last part. Even last week, they didn't really stop the Chargers late. San Diego scored, then the Jets' offense was able to get a couple of big first downs and keep the ball until the clock ran out. I don't know what happens last week if the Chargers get the ball back, and I think Jets fans should be glad we never found out. Plus, the Jets were awful in the middle of the season. If the mid-season disaster Jets show up Sunday, this game gets ugly fast.

Keys For The Colts: Stop the Jets from running the ball all over the place, make Mark Sanchez throw the ball a lot and feast on the mistakes. That one is super obvious and easier said than done, but it's still what they need to do. The Colts also need to find a way to run the ball. It's not impossible against the Jets, and if they don't do it, the Jets will find a way to create problems for Peyton Manning and his passing game.

Also, try not to quit in the middle of the game. I know this is tough for the Colts, especially if they're winning, they're big on quitting. But really, they have to actually, ya know, try the whole time. If they beat the Jets, they get two whole weeks to rest before the next game.

Keys For The Jets: I think the biggest key for the Jets is coverage. Sure, Reggie Wayne might find himself on Revis Island this week, and maybe they can bracket Dallas Clark with a linebacker (Harris or Scott) and a safety (Rhodes if he's healthy). But what about the other side? What's to stop Pierre Garcon and Austin Collie from doing what many number 2 receivers have done against the Jets this year, run circles around Lito Sheppard. What happened to Lito, anyway? Has he been playing with two broken legs? If they can find a way to keep Manning from destroying the non-Revis parts of the secondary, they'll be in pretty good shape.

Also, if the Jets are down at the half, I say they send Rex Ryan into the Indy locker room to flash Peyton Manning. Wouldn't Peyton be paralyzed with terror for the next couple of hours, at least? I'm not calling this plan A, I'm just saying it can work if they run out of options.

Who Am I Rooting For? Obviously, I'm rooting for the Jets. First, I'm a New York guy. I'm not an active fan of every New York team, but I never root against a New York team unless it's playing another New York team I like more. Second, I've never liked the Colts, and watching them quit in week 16 didn't help. Most importantly, Peyton Manning may be my least favorite legitimately great athlete of all time. There's just something about him that makes me want to punch him in the stomach every time I see him on TV (which, by the way, is like every 4 minutes). I can't be the only one who feels that way, right?

Who Am I Picking? Tough one, close game, but I like the Jets. I don't care how many Superbowls he wins, I still think Peyton Manning is soft. The Jets' defense might not sack him a lot, but they'll hit him. The Colts' run defense is not that good, and the Jets will just keep pounding the run at them. Jets 21, Colts 17. I think that includes a defensive or special teams score from the Jets.

If I'm right, we get two weeks of Brett vs. the Jets stories, and I can't guarantee that won't force me to kill myself, or at least try to put myself into a two-week coma. But I'm a team player, and I picks em how I sees em.

Mixed Bag

First of all, if anyone reading this hasn't donated to the Haitian relief effort yet, what exactly are you waiting for? Here are some links (I know some people get nervous about credit cards over the internet, I can tell you I've never had any security problems with the red cross website):
American Red Cross: http://www.redcross.org/
Yele Haiti: http://www.yele.org/
MSNBC has a good bunch of links: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/34835478/ns/world_news-haiti_earthquake/
OK, on to less important things...

I've noticed that many of my favorite ESPN.com writers sometimes do mailbags, where they answer questions sent by readers. Just now, I'm figuring out exactly why. Sometimes you sit down to write, but you don't really have anything to write about. Bummer. That's where the mailbag comes in. Unfortunately, I don't know if I have any readers, and I know they don't e-mail me. I'll have to improvise. So, here are some fake e-mails from made up readers.

Q: "I just watched Mark McGwire admit to Bob Costas that he used steroids. This is a two part question. First, is this even remotely news? Second, did you see him crying? Did you know that Mark McGwire was secretly a ten year old girl this whole time?" - Zack, Bayside High School
A: Excellent question! Of course it's news. And someone should tip Bob Costas off to some other breaking news stories. I have it on good authority that the sun might rise again tomorrow. Also, I took the ice out of my freezer a couple of hours ago, and it melted, all I have left is a bunch of water. I feel like I need to give a tearful interview about it. Seriously, I've never been less surprised by anything. I'll be more surprised tomorrow when I wake up and find that there isn't a monkey in my bathroom than I was when I found out Mark McGwire used steroids. As for the crying, if you're going to come out and try to cover your old lies with barely more believable lies, at least keep your dignity.

Q: "I read your NBA preview blog. Were you high when you predicted that the Washington Wizards would make the playoffs and Gilbert Arenas would have a great year and not do anything crazy? Did you have a serious concussion or some other kind of traumatic brain injury?" - Balki, Chicago/Mypos
A: No. Sadly, my brain was fully functional when I wrote that. I'm 30 years old and it's possible I've never been more wrong about anything in my life. I'll give Gilbert this, not many people could pull off doing something that hits a 10 on the what the f*ck meter and still have it not be that surprising. Well done sir.

Q: "I have a friend who innocently brought four guns to work, only because he didn't want to leave them home with the kids. Now, out of nowhere, he's suspended from work and being charged with a felony. I guess I should also mention that my friend has a reputation for being somewhat unstable, and any rational person would be terrified by the idea of him having even one gun. But come on, shouldn't everyone just give my friend a break?" - Philbert, Washington D.C.
A: Sorry "Philbert", I'm going to have to disagree. I don't think your "friend" is a bad guy. In fact, if I knew who you were talking about, I'd probably say he's someone I've always liked and rooted for. But, if I brought a gun to my office, I'd probably lose my job immediately, and nobody would give a crap. So I don't feel a whole lot of sympathy for your buddy.

Q: "What do you think about Charles Woodson winning Defensive Player of the Year?" - Jean Luc, um...Space, in the future
A: Let me just say this. If you offered the Packers Darrelle Revis straight up for Charles Woodson, even if Woodson was still young, they'd take that deal so fast you'd see a big Packer shaped dust cloud in the room where they were standing. Not only should Darrelle Revis have been the Defensive Player of the Year, he may also be some kind of Roman god. Did the Romans have a god of pass coverage? I feel like they should have.

Q: "Did you think it was weird for the NFL to have the Packers-Cardinals playoff game officiated by a group of blind chimps?" - A.C., Bayside High School
A: Lots of questions from Bayside today, they're huge fans of mine. I actually got 200-300 almost identical e-mails. I know it seemed that way, but I went back and watched the game footage in slow motion. The game was officiated by actual human referees, who, at times, appeared to have the full power of sight. Is it possible the NFL adapted my Umpire Idol idea and used it? I don't think so, my idea involved making sure the winners knew the rules of the sport. It's more likely a bunch of drunk tailgaters from the parking lot beat up the actual refs and took their uniforms. The NFL should beef up ref security for this weekend. By the way, what does the A.C. stand for?

Q: "What do you think of this whole Leno-Conan thing?" - Tyler, Paper Street
A: First, I think what I've always thought. Jay Leno sucks and I don't understand why anyone watches his show. I don't understand why NBC can't just let Jay and his 95 and over demographic go to ABC. Carson was the best, Conan is awesome. Leno is like the lettuce in my patented BLMB(bacon, lettuce and more bacon) sandwich. I'd say I'm boycotting Leno from now on, but I literally couldn't watch him less than I already do.

Q: "You picked the Cowboys and Chargers in the superbowl. You still feeling pretty good about that?" - Ron, San Diego
A: I feel awesome about my picks right about now. The Cowboys destroyed the Eagles and the Jets have their fans set up perfectly for the annual huge disappointment that no one saw coming. Plus, I think this is the week the football gods punish the Colts for quitting, which means if the Chargers can get by the Jets, they get a home game next week against Jets lite. Of course, if you read back to my Wizards/Arenas pick, you'll see that Jets and Vikings fans should be very happy I'm picking against them this week.

Q: "Speaking of your NBA preview, when you tagged the Nets as the most boring team in the NBA, did you fail to account for how interesting a team can be when it's that bad, or are you not the kind of person who finds 10 car pile-ups interesting?"- Hawkeye, fictional Korea
A: First of all, how did you know someone else also asked a question about my NBA preview? That's a little creepy. The answer is a little bit of both. I'm not surprised at how bad the Nets are. I also wrote that if you combined the rosters of the Knicks and the Nets, you still wouldn't have a playoff team. Even with the Knicks overachieving, the Nets are still bad enough to make that true. If you added all of the Nets to the Knicks, it might actually make the Knicks worse. At the same time, I probably underestimated how interesting this colossal failure would be. I have to admit to turning to Nets games a few times this year, just to see how bad it really is. I have yet to be disappointed.

Q: "Do you regret dumping the Islanders for the Edmonton Oilers now that the Oilers might be the worst team in hockey and the Islanders are not actually terrible and kind of fun to watch?" - ALF, Melmac
A: Not at all. This was a long term decision and I'm very happy with it. Have I seen an Oilers game all year? Absolutely not. Is it possible I may never see an Oilers game? Entirely possible, since only the Cup finals get televised on a real TV network. Are the Islanders' throwback blue uniforms on Saturday nights incredibly awesome? You're damn right they are. Having said all that, Edmonton is still the best hockey city I could find and I'm still moving there if I ever get rich and decide to move out of the U.S., so I'm fine with my choice.

Q: "Any thoughts on Pete Carroll going to Seattle?" - Al, Chicago
A: This is really a two part question. First, how do I feel about him leaving USC? I don't know yet. I get the sense USC football may get some nice NCAA sanctions for Valentine's Day. If that's the case, Pete's sudden exit gets a solid 8.5 on the douchebag meter. Otherwise, he had to leave sometime. Second, how do I feel about Seattle being the NFL job he finally took? That's the part I don't get, and the part that makes me think he had other reasons for leaving. Maybe he just got tired of waiting for Norv Turner to finally get himself run out of San Diego. Maybe he just really likes rain. I don't know, but the Seahawks were awful this year, and possibly the first team to quit on the season. Why is Pete Carroll taking over a team that quit before the Redskins? Before the Raiders? Before the Rams? I honestly can't figure it out.

Q: "Did you see the Sarah Palin-Glenn Beck interview?" - Jim, Scranton
A: I wouldn't have missed it for the world. It was like the black hole at the center of the galaxy of stupidity. You know what's really starting to strike me about Sarah Palin? Her incredibly high ratio of condescension to knowledge. I don't know if we've ever seen anyone who knows so little acting as if she knows so much. Everything she says, even the total nonsense, has this air of absolute certainty about it. It's really something. I still say she should have her own TV network. I also still say I'm moving to Finland if she gets elected President (which I also still say is impossible unless her campaign strategy includes some sort of military coup involving the Alaska National Guard).

Q: "Can you believe someone other than Mr. T is playing B.A. Baracus in the new A-Team movie?" - Danny, San Francisco
A: I absolutely cannot believe that. "Mr. T is dead" is the only acceptable excuse for that, and Mr. T is clearly not dead, I just saw him in a commercial. I don't know a whole lot about this Rampage Jackson dude, but I pity the fool who takes Mr. T's role.

Q: "I'm getting excited to watch the Olympics in February and I'm wondering if you can point me toward some of the best competitions to see?" - Mike, Long Island
A: This is obviously a trick question, no one is excited to watch the Olympics.

Q: "Everyone knows you don't care about soccer, and you're right not to, soccer sucks. But are you going to try to get interested in the World Cup?" - Rose, Miami
A: I think I might. Originally, I had decided to double boycott the World Cup on account of it being soccer and the Irish team not even being involved. Recently, I'm having a change of heart. I remember that I always enjoy the World Cup, even if I go back to making fun of soccer as soon as it's over. It's the best possible soccer you can see. Since the Irish are out, I'm rooting for England. I know Ireland and England haven't always gotten along but, as always, I'm a puzzle.